The Messy Art of Helping Hurting

KidsPresented by Jamie Kovich

Two reasons you would be joining us today….

1. You already have students sharing their hurt and pain with you…You’re their safe person.

2. You have a heart for students and a desire to be a their safe person.

Welcome to the Trenches!

Common myths about effectively helping hurting kids

1. We have to have a messy or traumatic past

* it’s out of grace not tragedy

2. We have to have all the answers

* It’s ok to seek answers together

3. We have to be able to fix it

* you are not called to fix them or save them

Don’t underestimate the power of your presence!!

Students need:

Someone consistent

Someone to listen

Someone to give them hope

Someone to be a positive role model

Someone to believe in them

Basic tips to help you get started

1. Listen and be willing to dig deeper. Get to the source of the pain.

2. Don’t trivialize their pain. You can still affirm while directing them to truth.

3. Help them focus on what they can change not what they cant.

4. Don’t promise confidentiality at all cost.

5. Don’t be afraid to refer or ask for help.

Let’s get practical…..

6 common issues you will face while ministering to hurting kids are:

Family Dysfunction

Family Dysfunction - When life is a mess resulting in an adolescents inability to

function normally (some wont realize they aren’t functioning normally)

Types of dysfunction that could be included are: Separation, Divorce, Abuse,

Alcohol or Drug addiction in the family, Favoritism, Pressure to perform/uphold

image, incest, and abandonment just to name a few. Often adults in the students

life have control over the issues these students are facing, leaving the students to

feel helpless and alone.

Your response: Be emotionally and physically available and present with these

students. Be Consistent!! You may be the only stable person in their lives. Work to

understand and not condemn all parties involved (including family members)

Remember our goal is not to deal with symptoms or behaviors but to help the

student get to the heart of the pain.

PornographyPornography- films, magazines, writings, photographs and online content that are sexually explicit and intended to cause sexual arousal.

Left unaddressed the struggle with pornography can lead them down the road to additional hurt in their lives.

 Your response: Be sure to not get caught up in becoming judgmental toward the student. Try to help the student discover what their triggers are. It is important to encourage open communication with the student regarding the issue so you can give them accountability. Help the student set up healthy boundaries to minimize availability and access to content. (There are internet programs that can help you provide accountability for their online content. Some examples are www.xxxchurch.com or www.bebroken.com )

CuttingCutting-Self injury is commonly defined as the attempt to alter ones frame of mind or mood by temporarily inflicting harm to the body to the point of breaking the skin and making it bleed.

It is a common misconception that a student that is cutting is suicidal. ..this is NOT the case. A cutter is looking for relief and desires to feel alive again. Most cutters feel dead inside. They will turn to cutting themselves when faced with a moment of intense inexpressible emotions.

 Your response - Any student with this behavior is struggling with dealing with the pain in their life so it's important to dig deeper to get to the root of the pain. Be sure to nurture these students. Often they feel they don't have any who cares about how they feel. Be a good listener. If their cutting seems to be chronic, these students should be referred to professional counseling.

AddictionsAddictions- a compulsive need for a habit-forming substance characterized by tolerance and physiological symptoms upon withdrawal.

Simply, addictions are: out of control obsessive behavior regardless of the negative emotional, spiritual or mental outcome.

They can choose to inhale, smoke, drink, intravenously inject, huff, or repeatedly view or perform the addictive habit.

Your response- Don't focus on the addiction of choice, seek to understand where it all began ... the first time they used or began the behavior? What were the circumstances surrounding them? What were they feeling? What was going on in their life? Again are goal is to get to the root. Be sure not to condemn or shame the student for their behavior.

SuicideSuicide- the act of deliberately killing yourself 

There are a variety of ways a student may consider to use ... Pills, hanging and shooting are the most common.

The typical suicidal episode last about 30 days and does not always occur again. If you can walk a student through this acute time frame, you can likely save their live forever.

However, sometimes if a student is set on this permanent solution to their temporary problems, there is often nothing you could have said or done to stop. You are not responsible for the outcome!!

Your response- The following acronym is used by therapists, counselors and pastors all over the world and should help you assess if someone is seriously contemplating suicide.

Suicide SLAPP

S-Specific: Is there a specific suicide plan in place? "Yeah, my dad's gun and ammo are in the cabinet and I'm doing it Friday night out by the ravine" is more urgent than "I dunno...There's lots of ways it could be done”

L-Lethal: Will the chosen method be fatal and is there any time for an intervention? For example, although both are potentially lethal, a gun represents even greater urgency than a drug overdose because of the small window of opportunity to intervene with the latter.

P-Previous attempts: Have you ever attempted to kill yourself in the past? Has anyone in your family? If so, when and how?

A- Availability: Is the chosen means of suicide immediately available? "I'm picking up the pills this weekend at the mall" while representing a great cause for alarm is less urgent than "I'm holding the gun as we speak”

P-Proximity of help: Is there anyone nearby who could intervene or provide support? "I'm in my room and my parents are downstairs watching TV" is more hopeful than "I'm at our summer cottage and there is no one around for miles”

Abuse

Abuse- California law defines child abuse as any of the following:

A child is physically injured by other than accidental means

A child is subjected to willful cruelty or unjustifiable punishment

A child is abused or exploited sexually

A child is neglected by a parent or caretaker who fails to provide adequate food, clothing, shelter, medical care or supervision.

Your response: You are a mandated reporter! If you have “reasonable suspicion” that a student is being abused you are required to report it. These students may not realize it but they need someone to stand up for them and be their voice. Remember, you are not responsible for the legal outcome. Most importantly, your commitment to stay by their side during this time is EXTREMELY important. They need your presence now more than ever!!

Resources• Steps to process sexual abuse claims (attached)• Partner with local law enforcement or CPS• Landing program curriculum• “Hurt 2.0” by Chap Clark• “Help! My kids are hurting” by Marv Penner• “The youth workers guide to helping teenagers in crisis”

by Rich Van Pelt• “I want to talk to my teen about addictions” by Megan

Hutchinson• “Secret Survivors” by Jen Howver and Megan

Hutchinson

Next Webinar:

Beyond Branding: Demonstrating the Kingdom of God in and through your

Youth Ministry

Jeremy Del Rio

Sept 10

11am PT / 2pm ET