the log star wars spring 2013

the logof The imperial Naval Academy

A long time ago, in a yard far, far away...

Volume 90, ISSUE IV: a New DantaPRIL 2013 aBY

Damn The Proton Torpedoes, Full Speed ahead

Contents

5 From the top

8 Salty Yoda

10 The Imperial Naval Academy

12 10,000 Words

14 Professional Notes

16 Female Clones

19 Imperial Plebe Pro Know

20 Admiral Ackobar’s Guide to TRAPS

22 Clone Development Center

24 Horoscopes

28 Budget Cut Blues

Visit us online at www.usna.edu/thelog or email us at [email protected]

The LOG magazine is a 32 page, monthly publication produced by and for Midshipmen. Found within is a satirical compilation of real and exaggerated news articles, editorials, advertisements, cartoons, and more. It provides an outlet for your creativity, artistic ability, comedic talent, and (maybe) critical-thinking. The opinions expressed herein are those of LOG staff members, and in no way reflect those of the Department of the Navy, the Department of Defense, the National Security Council, or the President of the United States. We do not intend to undermine the Mission of the United States Naval Academy, or by extension, the Constitution of the United States. Our goal is to reveal Academy life as observed by Midshipmen, and to deliver a publication that is truly their own.

Staff

Principles of The LOG

Editor-In-ChiefKatie Davidson ‘13

Salty SamSalty Sam ‘13

right hand henchmenMel Sluzewicz ‘13Kyle Hatcher ‘13

Layout Editor Mike Ebeling ‘15

Business ManagerLindsay Boyd ‘14

Managing EditorDick Wheeler ‘16 Nerf herder Hannah Bobell ‘15

Resident ArtistsJoshua Mokracek ‘16Matthew Brook ‘15

Officer RepresentativeCDR Huey

Damn The Proton Torpedoes, Full Speed ahead

THe LOg | ISSUe IV: a NeW DaNT


TopThe

From

Hello again Brigade, Greetings from the Rebel Alliance. I’m here from Hoth, bunkered down in my hole, covered by warm tauntaun fat, trying to keep warm and waiting patiently for Spring. Too bad I killed my only friend to keep me warm from the air conditioning in the base. This Star Wars LOG is the crowning glory of my time as editor, as a contributing writer, and frankly, as a “funny” Midshipman (or so I like to think anyway). It is the culmination of 21 years as a nerd, 12 years as an awakened Han Solo fan, and 4 years of pent-up Star Wars references that just seem to make sense here. I remember over Plebe Summer finding out that there was a kid who was ranked 12th in the world or thereabouts in Star Wars trivia, and I remember thinking wow, we’ve got some winners here. This issue is largely in response to that moment over Plebe Summer. If you haven’t seen Star Wars, some sort of reference to Star Wars, the Star Wars Family Guy episode, or have never heard anyone make an Imperial March reference in regards to a teacher or some sort of forboding figure, you have been living under a rock for far too long! If you are a Trekkie, well, let’s be real, Patrick Stewart/Chris Pine/Will Shatner may be cool, but all three have less net coolness/awesomeness/badassness than one Harrison Ford. I mean, that’s a well-known fact. Ask anyone. This issue is essentially one awesomely relevant conceit (a big English term for an elaborate metaphor). And the cool thing was, there are people SO dedicated to Star Wars, that all I had to do to get creative information was consult the Wookiepedia database. I know, right? I see what they did there. If Star Wars can teach us anything, its that drive, will, and passion can certainly lead to a lot of good things. That while some may be surrounded by great evil, are placed in a position to do evil, and may be corrupted by evil, there is still potential for good in everyone. So youre face looks like it’s transformed into an egg by the end of the third (that’s Episode VI) movie, you will ulti-mately die and become part of the force. AND you will reclaim your digitally remastered good looks. Plus, you get to hang out with Yoda and Obi Wan for the rest of eternity (I think that’s how it works). Star Wars can also teach you that through great adversity, you may make some of the best friends you will ever have. I liked to think of Plebe Summer as one long fight against the Empire. I was part of the Rebel Alliance. I may not have had a lightsaber, but my classmates and I were captured by the Imperial Navy and we were in a constant struggle for good over evil. A bit elaborate. Well, what else was I supposed to be doing? Learning rates? Well anyway, without further ado: THE LOG ISSUE IV A NEW DANT

MIDN Katie Davidson Editor-in-Chief


ISSUE IVA NEW DANT

IIt is a dark time for the IMPERIAL NAVAL ACADEMY. Although Spirit Nights are back in full force, rolling tray meals continue to crowd and starve IMPERIAL MIDSHIPMEN. Budget cuts have severely affected the abil-ity to go anywhere in the galaxy and still call it a training opportunity. Who’s to say the system of Tahiti isn’t a wonderful place to learn about the local indiginous cultures?

BIG IMPERIAL NAVY apparently...

Like I was saying, times are tough. Fortu-nately, this hasn’t inhibited our construction budget, but it has forced us to take drastic actions: not paying rfds (Rihanna, for

those of you not up on your Aurebesh) to sing to us.

There is a hope, though. The new Imperi-


al Commandant, from the San Diego system, may be able to bring wih him a mediation in the practices of chil-laxing, SWO-tivaion, and our favorite

past time, the FORCE.Yeah, so as you can see we jumped on the latest STAR WARS BANDWAGON. I mean, let’s face it – we’re desper-ate, and like most desperate people, we called on a higher power. So that power was Star Wars (Sorry Trekkies); a little escapism never hurt anyone (though your social status post-LARP-ing is another story). Our only hope rests on this coming out before the

new trilogy...So just try to enjoy the ride for a little and maybe CMOD won’t be so bad.

Also, Disney, please don’t sue us!!!


“There is only do or do not. There is no try. ”

Oooh. Message from the Dark Side there is. Salty Yoda I am, and come to communicate from dark reaches of galaxy I have. On many long journeys have I gone. And waited, oo, for others to return from journeys of their own. Some return; some are broken; some come back so different only their names remain. Yes. Over, Spring Break is. On dark side, is this place still. When spending 10 days in Florida, looks as good you will not, hmmm? To be a Jedi is to face the truth, and choose. Give off light, or darkness, Padawan. Be a candle, or the night. Burnt from Florida sun, Salty is. Salty may be light, but Salty attitude is certainly night. Salty hopes young Midshipman looked not into the dark side. For the dark side looks back. And fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering. Elaborate plot to disrupt summer cruise there is. Se-

questration. Smells of Sith work it does. No longer can Midshipmen frolick freely without fear of budgetary constraints. Goodbye you must say to LREC trips and internships. For in training, do or do not. There is no try. Do train. Do not train. There is no try in train. SEAL/EOD Screener training impresses Salty. This year, cubbies carry Salty on back, move sandbags with the Force. So SEAL/EOD Midshipmen want to learn the Force. Help you I can. My ally is the force. And a powerful ally it is. It is what gives a SEAL/EOD his power. It is the energy field created by all living things. It surrounds us, penetrates us (not a good reason to use the word pen-etrate). It binds the universe together.

The Force is this and more. It cannot be fully described with words. You Must feel the Force to understand it. To feel the force is what SEAL/EOD will learn. Like Cold severn, force feels. Like breakfast for dinner, force tastes. Like Mac-D, force smells. Firsties graduate soon, hmmm. This class a long time have I watched. All 2013 life has Salty looked away...to the future, to the horizon. Never his mind on where 2013 was. At end of road 2013 is. And class will find only what class bring in. 2013 can-not believe it. That must not be why you fail exams. Do or do not. Graduate or graduate not. If you end your training now-- if you chose the quick and easy path as Vader did-- you will become an agent of evil. Ready are you, 2013? What know you of ready? For many years has Salty taught. Salty’s own counsel will I keep on who is to be trained. Remember, a Midshipman’s strength flows from the Force. Soon, you must unlearn what you have learned perhaps in EE and Thermo. Not before PCR, is this. For PCR, dig deep you must. Back to Plebe year must you remember. Super pro-quiz, this is. Different are things outside the walls. However, in dark places we find ourselves, and a little

more knowledge lights our way. Abandon Bancroft and Luce Hall lessons, you shall not. Important these are.

“When you look at the dark side, careful you must be ... for

the dark side looks back.”

Salty Yoda


From October 28, 1938

Do you want to fulfill your destinY? were you genetical-ly engineered to have what it takes to lead imperial sail-ors and marines into battle for the glory of the empire? then apply to be a midshipman at the imperial naval acade-my on coruscant $

Interdiction Operations off the Tattoine systemThe Imperial Navy: a Galactic Force, for your own good

THe LOg | ISSUe IV: a NeW DaNT Interdiction Operations off the Tattoine systemThe Imperial Navy: a Galactic Force, for your own good

THE iMPERiAL NAvAL ACADEMY

ToGETHER, WE WiLL FuLFiLL YouR DESTiNY


Don’t worry about the hole, we put a work order in for it...

Trust me, they’ll know if you didn’t lock up your lightsaber....

Shouldn’t....have eaten...that second buffchick

jk,opo Words


jk,opo Words

Next Concert? They could play that one song!

Hey Mr. Sequestration, what are you doing with that lase.....

At least Protocol droids can be turned off...


PROFESSIONaL NOTES

You may believe, incorrectly, that the Dark Side of the Force is simply a derivative of negative emotional energy such as fear, greed and hatred. In fact, the Dark Side is the largest proponent of peace in the Universe. Since the beginning of the Cold Star Wars, the concept of Mutually Assured Destruction has held major conflicts at bay and we have witnessed some of the most peaceful times in the history of this Galaxy. The deep and silent threat of the Empire's Star De-stroyers keeps terrorists and rebels from trying to over-run weaker, defenseless space settlements. The Death Star's name is a misnomer. Aside from Alderaan (a well-known safe-haven for rebel terrorists), the capable platform has never been used offensively. Being a Sith Lord, perhaps I can use this venue to shed some light on misconceptions of the stealthy Dark Side commu-nity.

Fear: Certainly fear is a necessary evil for members of the Dark Side. The fear that many use to inspire evil deeds is in fact the common bond that all members of the tightly knit crews of Dark Side Imperial Star Destroyers use to develop mutual respect. When a solo Star Destroyer vanishes into the abyss of space, the actions of one Sith may have grave implica-tions for the safety and well-being of the rest of the Imperial Crew. The fear of total self-annihilation resides deeply in the hearts of the Sith crew and inspires, not coerces, each to perform exceptionally well.

Greed: A Dark Side Sith Lord in training is offered 15,000 Credits to begin the rigorous SithTrain-

ing Pipeline. The process begins at Mos Eisley Space Port when each potential candidate must complete two technical interviews with the original designers of the light saber. The Sith candidate is then granted an audience with Emperor Sithardson for final ap-proval. Certainly, 15,000 Druggats is a lot of money, one could buy a brand new T-16 and bulls-eye hun-dreds of Womp Rats with that kind of dough, but most Siths don’t enter the Dark Side Imperial Fleet simply for the signing bonus. SithOfficer Continua-tion Pay (COPAY) truly is the pay dirt. After a mere five Tatooine Years of service, a Sith stands to bring in an additional 30,000 Druggats per year on top of normal salary. Siths are usually granted opportunities for advanced Dark Side education and are, therefore, highly sought out in the Galaxy for employment after retirement from the service on their Star Destroyers. Many retire to Bespin's Cloud City and obtain lucra-tive upper level management positions at the Tibanna

LORD TIFFEN GUARDS MAIN-O

Views from the around the Fleet By: LORD TIFFEN, 25th Company Officer


Gas Mines. Greed, although typically thought of as a negative emotion, is actually a mechanism to ensure Sith Lords are the most highly trained and technically competent people in the Imperial Fleet.

Hatred: Targeted hatred is the bedrock of all Sith Activities. I say targeted because Siths don’t go around hating things for no reason. Siths hate lazi-ness and poor quality work. Siths hate having duty on Space Weekends just like everyone else, especially since they end up having more of it. Siths hate dishon-esty and bagging other Siths with extra work. Siths truly hate long space voyages. Siths hate slow ships because they do go in harms way. Luckily, no other entity in the galaxy has Star Destroyers as capable as the Dark Side. Siths pilot the fastest and most pow-erful crafts this side of the Degava System. Even the oldest ship in the fleet can make the Kessel Run in less than 12 Parsecs. These ships keep the galaxy stable

and prosperous. All of this hatred feeds the Dark Side of the Force with energy to surround us, penetrate us, and bind us together.

Forget about all that aggression and malevolence, The Dark Side of the Force is a powerful and peaceful deterrent that is highly talented and trained for lethal destruction if need be. Sith Warriors do not use nega-tive emotional energy such as fear, greed and hatred for evil. The Sith speaks softly and carries a massive stick. The Mk 48 ADCAP Death Ray can search and destroy any ship in the galaxy. The Trident II (D5) Superlaser is capable of completely disintegrating an entire planet (Sorry Alderaan, you were warned). So long as Sith Lords are patrolling the Deep Space, peace and prosperity will reign throughout the Galaxy for ages and ages to come.


Troopettes in combat? We were just as skepti-cal as you were when we heard the news. Last week, when the Emperor announced that female Stormtroopers are now allowed to fight on the front lines, a wave of controversy and an audible sigh of relief ran across the galaxy simultaneously. There are many pros and cons of this new legis-lation, but there is none better to comment on the subject than clone TX35300, one of the first female troopers to be selected for ground combat duty. She gives her side of the argument in this exclusive interview:

Imperial Log: So, Miss, 5x35000, did you think this day would ever come for you and your fellow female troopers?

TX35300: It really was inevitable. There is such a pull for galactic diversity these days that the Emperor could not have kicked the can down the road much farther. It is a very personal deli-cate matter, actually. With today’s advancements in technologies, there really is no reason for the change to be postponed any longer.

IL: As one of the first female ground troopers, do you experience any negative ramifications or harassment from your compatriots?

TX35300: Not at all. I have a DC-15A heavy blaster rifle strapped to my back. If anyone wants to comment on which lavatory door I enter and exit from, I can legally incinerate them for sowing rebellious discord.

IL: Wow… Doesn’t that seem a little harsh?

TX35300: You have to be a little harsh to survive in a competitive environment like this.

IL: Touché. So, moving on: As you know, there are quite a few critics about the change being made to the system. The cost of different spacesuits is adding to an already monstrous imperial budget deficit, and new quarters have to be constructed in the Death Star to accommodate the female clones. Is having female troopers onboard a fiscally saga-cious move?

female Clones put on front lines

By: Hannah Bobell ‘15Content Editor


TX35300: Well, let’s look at the bigger question here: How much more does it cost to obtain an extra Y chromosome? Female troopers only need two X chromosomes. Before you start talking about all the costs in the field, let’s look at the costs of creation. And, trust me, the latter will absolutely outweigh the former.

IL: Good point. Do you at all feel like you are be-ing defeminized?

TX35300: Absolutely not. I did not choose the clone life—the clone life chose me. And with that in mind, I take a great deal of pride and respon-sibility in what I do. Personally, I would prefer to have the pink stripe on the helmets because it is a little piece of history that female clones can em-brace. I do not feel isolated, discriminated against, or belittled in any way. Of course, as the pioneers, we women do have a lot on our shoulders. We have to prove ourselves every step of the way. Nothing is ever given to us.

IL: A lot of people say that you can’t do it. For instance, if you were stranded on a foreign planet and your hovercraft broke down with a wounded Stormtrooper in it, you may be in the situation where you would have to carry that male trooper out of harm’s way. You’re what…120 pounds?

TX35300: 135.643, but 148.859 with full body armor.

IL: Regardless. How are you expected to carry a 200 pound trooper out of that situation? And this isn’t even considering the 75 plus pounds of battle gear and your rifle…

TX35300: Stop living in the past. Antigravity belts solved this problem a long time ago and it’s a weak argument. Technology has technically en-abled us to do everything that men can do.

IL: Do you think that we will see any female clones in the Special Forces Realm any time soon?

TX353000: We will see. There have been female Jedis for ages now, so it really is not that difficult to imagine.

IL: Do you think that the new integration causes sexual tension between clones?

TX35300: That will always be an issue for hu-mans, I am afraid. But as frivolous as it is to have such drives, it is highly natural. Fear, hatred, and greed can always overpower these feelings, how-ever. And the consequences for those who do not comply are certainly a powerful deterrent to any misbehavior.

IL: If you were in a combat situation and a male trooper had to relieve himself, what are you going to do? It’s not like he can just walk 20 feet away from you and let ‘er rip.

TX35300: If we are in this kind of a situation, bodily functions will be the least of our worries. If he hasn’t learned to work the waste disposal but-ton on the clone suit, I would consider his death an act of natural selection. Let’s be practical here...


imperial Plebe Pro-Know How many turbo-laser batteries are on Mk 1. Death Star?

_________________

What is the maximum effective range of a E-11 Blaster Rifle?

__________________

What are the primary and secondary missions of an Imperial-class Star Destroyer?

__________________

What are the differences between the two TIE Fighters shown below:

1._______________

2._______________

3._______________

According to the Tarkin doctrine (Imperial Communiqué #001044.92v) __________ will maintain orderand peace in the galaxy.

What rank does this represent?

______________________YES!!!! no

Bonus: ARE THESE THE DROIDS YOU’RE LOOKING FOR?


Admiral Ackbar’s Guide to TrapsWhat They Are and How to Spot ‘Em

By Katie DavidsonEditor-in-Chief

This is a public service announcement. What is a trap, you ask? According to Google, it is “a contrivance used for catch-ing game or other animals (like humans).” Traps, as you well know, are hard to spot, and thus hard to avoid. We asked Fishead himself to give us some insight into the many traps at the United States Naval Academy.

1. Walking to Forrestal and the crowd is moving towards MahanAA: ITS A TRAP!

2. Language Minors (like Arabic)AA: IT’S A TRAP!

3. “We will now open up for questions...”AA: IT’S A TRAP!

4. Professor: “Everyone put your things away, and get ready for the quiz.”AA: IT’S A TRAP!

5. PinterestAA: IT’S A TRAP!

6. Political posts on Facebook.AA: IT’S A TRAP!

7. Chili con CarneAA: IT’S A TRAP!

8. Ops asks for volunteersAA: IT’S A TRAP!

9. Group 3 Major walks into RickoverAA: IT’S A TRAP!

10. Group 1 Major HUM/SS elective, opens up a William Faulkner bookAA: IT’S A TRAP!

11. “The SAPR will be short.”AA: IT’S A TRAP!

12. Colors DetailAA: IT’S A TRAP!

13. “I met this nice guy at the Homecoming Ball.”AA: IT’S A TRAP!

14. Going to MacD expecting to swim.AA: IT’S A TRAP!

15. “The football game should be short.”AA: IT’S A TRAP!

16. Anything with the title “Adjutant”AA: IT’S A TRAP!

17. SARBSAA: IT’S A TRAP!

18. “Do you have a date for Ring Dance yet?”AA: IT’S A TRAP!

20. Invitations by the Dant/Dep-Dant to their offices.AA: IT’S A TRAP!

21. MOOWAA: IT’S A TRAP!

22. “Get it back.”AA: IT’S A TRAP!

23. 12 Week ExamsAA: IT’S A TRAP!

24. “Don’t worry, this won’t be on the exam.”AA: IT’S A TRAP!

25. Anything involving NKOAA: IT”S A TRAP!


HEADLINES FROM near and afar

Reconnaissance DrOID finds secret rebel base in 7th wing.

imperial commandant bans useage of insult “Nerf herder”

construction of second death star halted while admirals decide how to “refocus mission to fit tight budget”

New Hazing requirements set to combat concerns of “clone Coddling”

Plebe asks emperor stupid question at tarkin lecture, is immediately electrocuted

Star Destroyer Collides with asteroid. Emperor de-mands an official apology from the space rock


Welcome to the Death Star’s CDC, where we serve the Empire by serving you. Here at the Clone Development cen-ter, our mission is to uphold our Lord Vader’s mission: To develop warrior clones morally, mentally, and physically, and to imbue them with the highest ideals of dark power, con-trol, and credulous loyalty to the Empire in order to provide warriors who are dedicated to a career of conquest and have unques-tionable obedience to orders and no moral qualms to assume the highest responsibilities in the death, destruction, and annihilation of all rebels and their affiliates. The CDC is a safe, positive environ-ment where clones can come to become the best servants of the Empire that they can be. Whether that is talking with one of our specialists about the morality of cloning, get-ting tips on proper nutrition for campaigns on foreign planets, or just a visit to one of our oh-so-popular electrified chairs, the CDC has the tools to support and augment YOUR success as a Stormtrooper. Have you ever wondered where you came from? What the future has to hold? Why in the world you look like everyone else? Whether or not to sign your 2-for-70s? Our specialists are here during working hours and always on call to help you answer those deep, metaphysical questions with Lord Vader’s five step “Clone Confidence Plan”, re-

assuring you of your loyalties through painful shock therapy and motivational holograms from the Emperor himself. Another major problem that the Em-pire is facing right now is CSS. It affects you. It affects me. It affects the Imperial team. As many of you may or may not know, Clone Stress Syndrome (CSS) will affect over 60% of our Imperial Army. One should always be on the lookout for the symptoms of CSS, both in one’s own life and in the life of your Starshipmates. Symptoms can include but are not limited to: depression, decline in physical performance, the inability to line up in a per-fectly straight rank, lack of any talent whatso-ever in firing a weapon (often seen in combat situations involving major cinematic char-acters), bedwetting, and craving of Celestial Choco Tacos. So be a Galactic Battle Buddy. Look out for one another and contact the CDC immediately if you notice these symp-toms in yourself or in your fellow clones. Our state-of-the-art, relaxation and remediation Stormatron chairs are exactly what any clone wants and needs after a long, hard day at work. Find yourself questioning your loyalties? Pondering the morality of destroying entire planets and/or civilizations with the push of a button? Wondering ex-actly who your mother and father were and if it violates any kind of incest taboo to hit on that hot Strormtroopette that you met at the Academy? Let us soothe your woes. For your convenience, five separate,

Clone Development centerBy: Hannah Bobell ‘15Content Editor


modernized chairs are available (by appoint-ment only) for your usage. These vessels of remediation provide the perfect combination of brainwashing, physical pain, and electro neural overstimulation to get you back to thinking in an Empire-healthy, Dark Side teamwork attitude! Guaranteed to squelch any sense of individuality or pointed ques-tions that you may have, the chairs will produce 2,000 volts of wicked shock while playing a looped voiceover of Lord Vader’s “Find the Super Stormtrooper in YOU” speech from the Forrestellular Lecture given on Fakir. After two weeks of this therapy, our methods are sure to purge you of any of these pesky contemplations. Just ask our 100% suc-cess rate! As most of you know, the 13th Moon is the revolution of the Mutiny Awareness Moon. For eons, the Dark Side has been opposed by these simple-minded fools. You know who we’re talking about—those half-brained twits who won’t shut up about “freedom”, “equality”, and “civil liberties”. As these ignoramuses continue to spawn, like festering corpuscles of disease on the snow-white surface of a Wampa, it is not only our duty, but our moral obligation to obliterate them. Any opposition to the Dark Lord is an opposition to the Death Star team. They must all be stamped out immediately and ruthlessly. So be the best clone you can be. Recognize the characteristics of a rebel and stamp them out at the root. Weed them out before the disease spreads and restore power to the Dark Side of the Force! Why think for yourself when the Emperor can do all of

that for you? So take some time to go over the distinctive qualities of a rebel with your Storm Squad today. This month, the Rebel Response Team has put together a slew of slides that will be playing during midmeal on “Wayward Wednesdays”. The more you are indoctrinated, the less you can think. And the less you can think, the safer your loyalties are. The CDC has many exciting events coming up:

Monday: Countering Jedi “Mind Tricks”: Stoicism for the Empirical Warrior “Mutiny Awareness Month” kicks off with guest speaker in room G1712B of the Death Star. Coffee and doughnuts will be provided.

Thursday: speaker will be Admiral J. P. Harkk, author of General Grievous: The Supreme Commander of the Droid Armies, The Legend “Lack of Ethics for the Imperial Leader” 6-Week Exams Commence for 3/C Clones (Be prepared to discuss coercion, mob mentality, and Johnson’s 3 Steps to Complete Mental Capitulation)

Friday: Relieving Yourself in Your Battle Suit: What that Little Button is REALLY For So make your appointment or refer a compatriot today! Always remember to ORR all rebel scum!O—Observe R—ReportR—REMEDIATE


HoroscopesScorpio (October 23--November 21) Romance is in the air! Expect to receive an offer soon. If not, it’s a good time to write a cheesy poem and propose one of these two amorous USNA options to that special someone. May I sug-gest a picnic on the Farragut seawall? Complete with cheese from the protein bar and orange juice from breakfast, of course.

Sagittarius (November 22--December 21) “Complications abound, but the answers are within your reach.” EI IS FOR THE WISE! You think you get those differential equations or really caught on to how much acceleration that monkey needs to move the box? Think your teacher is going to rave over that paper? You haven’t, you didn’t, and he’s not.

Capricorn (December 22--January 19) Tis the season for a new you! Want to spruce up your uniform with a new accomplishment pen? Maybe add some posh flair to your backpack with that company patch you’ve always wanted but been too embarrassed to buy? Go for it! Everyone will appreciate the fantabulous change.

Aquarius ( January 20--February 18) It sucks to be you right now, and I’m sorry. Be careful of who you trust, because odds are they’re not really your BFF—they just really like your grandma’s cookies that are sitting in your con locker. But keep your chin up! Or…down. If you’re looking down, the odds will be in your favor. Just watch where you’re walking because it’s very rude to bump into people and Marine officers WILL call you out for not saluting.

Pisces (February 19--March 20) To quote Harold Zidler: “Everything is going so well!” But be wary. The space between the moon and Saturn could be your undoing. You’re attracted to the very thing that might be your downfall, so think twice.

Aries (March 21--April 19) With the moon and Venus aligned, your day is exactly calibrated to bring on the love! So, for once, take off your cynical pants and try smiling at people down Stribling. Take a moment to appreciate how awesome you are and what super great things your life has in it. The stars have already decided it is a great day; why not share the love?

Kind of like Dance of the Planets e-mails, only factual.


Taurus (April 20--May 20) Brace yourself for a huge drop on the roller coaster of life. Chances are, upcoming events are going to give you whiplash and you’re probably going to get burned in a relationship. However, affection is going to pour forth for you like a mid’s unbridled love for buff chick.

Gemini (May 21--June 20) Whatever is in your past, forget about it! Your quiz score, that meeting you failed to make, or the fact that you wore whites to the Forrestal and everyone mocked you is so hakuna matata. Focus on what’s ahead. There will be good things like money, pancakes, and West Coast Summer Training.

Cancer ( June 21--July 22) This is your week for adventure! Do something daring! …But not daring enough to land you in jail. *coughcoughholdingupcabbiescoughcough* If you’re a group 3 major, dare to take the shortcut through Rickover! If you’re an aeronautical engineer, go out to Hospital Point, take off your shoes, and have yourself a fine nap in the grass. YOLO!

Leo ( July 23--August 22) You are walking the tightrope of disaster. (Pussers might not be a good idea Friday night.) Stop being content with second best! You’ve only got one life to live, after all. Find some way to win this week simply because you can. Earn the accolades you deserve. Take all the weekends! Eat ALL the chocolate!

Virgo (August 23--September 22) Your week will be about as fickle as the temperature of my mother’s car dur-ing her hot flashes. Take cover! A spur of optimism will purge your laxidaisical attitude toward that one thing you don’t care about and know that you should. (YOU know what I’m talking about.) Someone you care about will call out one of your faults. It’s only because they care about you.

Libra (September 23--October 22) Wisdom and prudence are two friends you want by your side. An Apache helicopter is always a nice thing to have, too. Setbacks don’t mean defeat, they just mean that your moment of glory is taking her sweet time to look perfect for her big debut. Make someone laugh today just because you can. I know this one blonde joke…


What Takes the Wind Right Out of My Sails… By: Dick Wheeler ‘16 Managing Editor

Shipmates, everyone around here has a few things that never fail to just annoy, bum, or just make a day that is going alright to a bummer of a day. Here is a few of mine I’m sure y’all can relate too. (That’s right I just used the word “y’all”, southern pride! Yee yee!)

When walking in the p-ways or hall ways in academic buildings, trying to get around Midshipmen who walk at three abreast. Like seriously, why? Why? Ain’t nobody got time fo’ that!

Getting restriction muster emails when you are not on restriction. C’mon man! Stop clogging my inbox!

When every other school in Maryland closes due to a storm, but yet the Academy insists on staying open. Why??? It’s raining sideways outside!! We gonna lose so many covers! Think about our precious civilians!

King hall seating. Like some people can save a whole table for “people who are coming” but they are imaginary and those two people who saved the table get to gorge on all the food. Or when the seating person insists that the awkward seat in the back must be filled. Nobody is never gonna sit there, get over that brah.

Officers or upper class that find joy in harassing the CMOD. Just leave that poor Plebe or Youngster alone. They don’t need other things to do or worry about.

People who insist on not going with the flow of things, or break the rules, to just break the rules. Please for the love of God, don’t be that guy.

PEOPLE WHO ASK STUPID QUESTIONS AT FORRESTAL LECTURES. JUST STOP. WE HAVE OTHER THINGS TO DO WITH OUR LIVES TOO.

Anything after 2000, or before 0700. We are tired, we don’t care, just let us be.

Web assign. No explanation needed.

That “one plebe” or “one guy”. Everybody knows who this guy is in your company. If you don’t, it’s because you are probably it.

Having Main O during leave or summer. Like come on Academy, pick up the phone. We know you’re there.

0200 musters. Let’s just go ahead and ruin any chance of sleep I had this weekend. Thanks bro.

Random forms/surveys we are required to fill out ASAP. Like I’ll do them, but you could’ve given me more notice on this.

Professors that get joy from making you feel stupid. Dude, you are smarter than me, I get it. But can you please explain how to do problem number two on the homework while treating me with a tad of respect?


Ring Dance ApplicationYes great class of 2014. After a year of endless papers, projects, briefs, and new roving watches on weekends, we have earned ourselves one night of fun under the stars. Now if you’re like our token 2/C on staff, between Leadership, EE, Thermo, and Weekend Rover, you may have forgoten about this oh so important day in a Midshipman’s life. But fear not. We have a remedy for this situation. If you think you are good enough to be a date for our resident 2/C, please fill out the following application and turn it into the 21st Company commander who will screen, test, and interview the applicants. There may or may not be a screener of some sort depending on the day, tide, moon cylce , and serving of Buff Chick Sandwiches or not.

Biography1. Full Name:2. Social Security Number:3. Astrological Sign (Look on page 24-25 if you do not know it):4. Hometown (New Jersey Extra Points):

Academy Life5. Company (1, 13,25 bonus points):6. Varsity, Club A, Club B, or Club C:7. Group 1, Group 2, or Group 3: 7a) Major: 7b) Honors (Yes or No):8. Complete this sentence: Forestal Lectures are very .9. Favorite King Hall Meal: Buff Chicks (If it’s not this, do you really go here?)10. Ideal Service Selection: 10a) Is there a screener involved in the process? 10b) Does the screener involve PT, coffee and doughnuts, or the Head of Navy Nuclear Power?

References11. Who is a good reference?12. How long have you lived with this person?13. Is this person your roommate?NOTE: Roommates are not acceptable references.

Please deliver all applications to the 21st Company CMOD desk. (And yes you have to go over and around, then down to get there. We are still being sequestered and plus it is good exercise)


The Budget Cut Blues...Due to sequestration, it has been rumored that various summer trainings are going to lose their funding. In light of this situation, I opt that we take the stoic view of doing the best with what we have and utilizing these thrifty, ameliorating new training evolutions:

1. Instead of 3/C cruise, rising youngsters will watch the movies “Battleship” and “Red Dawn” for three weeks. They will then write papers about the leadership lessons they learned and discuss how the enlisted personnel behave in each film.

2. PROTRAMID will be replaced by various evolutions here at the Yard. Marine Week will be put on by the Semper Fi Society and will include a hiking trip to/picnic lunch at Greenbury Point. Aviation Week will be comprised of putting together model airplanes in Rickover and flying kites at Hospital Point. For Fleet Week, Midshipmen will traverse the tumultuous waters of the Severn in paddle boats, learning all about ship navigation and onboard leadership. For submarine week, rising 2/C will be taped up in a cardboard box and thrown in the pool.

3. Instead of Jump School, we will just send qualified Midshipmen off the ten meter repeatedly.

4. King Hall shall just absorb Taco Bell. This will cut down on the cost of actual meat and put all of that excess cardboard to good use.

5. To save money for fuel on YPs, the crafts will be taken out into the bay to do circles. Instead of us-ing fuel, giant oars shall be implemented. Rising 3/C will be required to row with a rising 2/C as the slave driver.

6. NOLS. You’re paying a fortune already. If it’s out of your pocket/mommy and daddy’s wallets, the world is your oyster… As long as they make a significant monetary contribution to Naval Academy construction.

7. Instead of infantry training, Midshipmen selected from the screener will be placed in downtown Bancroft. Those who learn fast will develop valuable, lifetime defensive, evasive, and combatant maneu-vers in an urban environment as well as some sweet street skills. They will develop their skills for after their career the Navy in street pharmaceutical knowledge. Those who do not learn as quickly will be a further check off of the national debt.

8. Internships are now indentured servitude with your wages being electronically siphoned back to


the U.S. government.

9. Summer seminar will bring high school students to the Academy to spend a week experiencing life as a midshipman! They will eat REAL King Hall food, see REAL Naval Academy classrooms (Oooooh… AAAAhhh!!!), and get to watch REAL puppet shows about midshipman life! (The gov-ernment will pocket the participation money to assuage the national debt.) This is where all of the “lost socks” from laundry are ending up.

10. Since the Marines are feeling the budget constraints as much as everyone else, Leatherneck par-ticipants will just have to showcase their athleticism on the jungle gym across the water from the boat-house. (Sorry, guys. We couldn’t pay a corpsman for that long.) Instead of firing actual weapons, the program has opted to replace the actual guns with Nerf guns. When doing field exercises, Midshipmen must make a “pew pew pew” sound when he or she is intending to “shoot”. One large game of laser tag will determine your rank. To demonstrate land navigation skills, Leatherneck participants will then be blindfolded, dropped somewhere on the B&A Trail, and expected to find their way home. Eventually.

11. Special operations selectees will be left in the middle of inner-city Baltimore and will be given either a collection of two pennies, three nickels, a dead battery, a used lotto ticket, a paperclip, a bottle cap, and a handshake. Good luck. May the odds ever be in your favor.

12. 1/C cruise? Let’s be honest. You’re not getting out of this now. If you haven’t sold your soul to a community by this point, you’re getting caught in the NFO draft.

13. Everyone will just do plebe summer over again. Because it never, ever ends...


An Ode to the Imperial Units of Measure

Oh Imperial units, how do I love thee? let me count the number of ways:

For metric is European, sensible and cold

While you are quite ‘merican, varied, and bold

Though some deride you as antiquated,

And to those in Thermo you are most hated,

Ne’er shall I stray from your units of force

even when some say a kip is a farce.

nor shall I laugh or roll eyes in disdain

whenever I do conversions in vain

For yours is a tradition, and so it must prevail

No matter how many Thermo tests we shall fail


Despite it all, look at the bright side....1. There is one

2. We still get more calories than North Korea (even on Chili Con Carne night!)

3. We can still afford Pep Rallies

4. We still have V-bri...oh the inter-net’s too slow

5. 75% of the Brigade are not Plebes

6. Things can only get better

7. The winter working blues challenge is coming to an end

8. No one has polio, though stay away from the FDR memorial just to be sure.

9. School is almost over.

10. Summer leave is guaranteed to be at a minimum 14 days.


THe LoGVolume 90, ISSUE IV: a New Dant

Perhaps I can find new

ways to motivate them $

the log star wars spring 2013

Documents

star wars log

star wars trivia

new dantthe log issue

star wars family guy

log magazine

united states naval

imperial naval academy12

imperial plebe pro