the lighter side of tithing and fasting

8/8/2019 The Lighter Side of Tithing and Fasting

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The Lighter Side of Fasting and TithingBy Patricia Backora

All the days of the afflicted are evil: but he that is of a merry heart hath a

continual feast (Prov.15:15).

If I stop eating when Im dead and pushing up tulips, does that count as a fast?Even if Im too weak to eat in the grave, can I have juice?

Fasting allegedly gives you miracle power. Next time you need a mountainmoved, call a modeling agency to have them send over one of their gals to do the

job.

Some preachers are so far gone they think personal sin doesnt matter as long asthey skip lunch the next day to show God how sorry they are till the next prettydish comes along to tempt them.

Why dont we see more blogs on whether we should throw dirt on our heads, orwear sackcloth and ashes? The ancient Jews did these religious practices too.

If I swallow my own spit does that break my total fast?

Even if you get a bigger reward for starving yourself three whole days, if I torturemyself by skipping dessert, does that buy an itty-bitty blessing from God?

If I suck on a lozenge to relieve a sore throat, have I broken my fast and lost theblessing credit accumulated by fasting two whole days? Depends on whether thelozenge is sweetened with sugar or Nutra Sweet!

If I fast just until the evening meal and then break my fast with three BurgerKing Whoppers, do I still get credit for starving myself all day?


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Does a piece of Ex-lax break your fast, just because it tastes like food?

If I accidentally drink a regular Coke instead of a Diet Coke, have I lost all thefasting points Ive racked up on Gods tote board?

Is an Orange Popsicle okay on my drink fast if I melt it first, or can I just let itmelt in my mouth instead of grinding it with my teeth? Why are drunk caloriesmore spiritual than chewed ones?

Why did God give us teeth if chewing is such a sin? Why didnt He just give us agas tank like a car, so we could just go guzzle our dinner at Exxon?

Dont dig your spiritual grave with your own teeth. Lay down your fork and pickup your straw to help you pick up your cross of legalism.

If I accidentally swallow a drop of mouthwash, have I broken my fast?

What if I get a cold and take a good swig of Ny-Quil?

If my Jello doesnt solidify in the fridge, can I use it for juice during my fast?

If I only inhale while everybody else eats at the steak house, have I broken myfast? What if I IMAGINE Im chewing on that juicy T-Bone as I guzzle a glass of water and feel sorry for myself? After all, theres the spirit of the law to consider,not just the letter of the law.

If I doze on the couch till fast day ends at sunset, and miss all the misery, doesit count as much as someone else whos digging ditches while they fast?

Does a chewable Vitamin C break your fast?

What if I taste my dogs Milk Bone Biscuit before giving it to him? Just becauseits not people food, should I think I havent broken my fast?

Can I have a slice of lemon in my water? What if I forget and EAT the lemon!


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What if you chew your nails and accidentally swallow a bit? Does that bit of protein render your fast invalid?

If you accidentally nibble a whole jelly bean, will God say the other 48 hours dontcount and you have to start the misery all over again?

If Aunt Susie is four hours late getting the Thanksgiving dinner on the table, doesthat count as a fast if you hold a Bible study during the time spent waitinginstead of watching TV?

If its snowing when you fast, is it okay to eat some cold, refreshing snow, so longas you dont mix sugar and vanilla into it to make snow cream?

Technically speaking, does snow ingestion count as eating? It does melt to waterin your mouth. Or, would you have to melt the snow first so it counts as a drink?

Is it okay to eat a couple crackers so long as you run around the block a hundred

times to burn off the calories?

Do imaginary meals eaten with your non-fasting family break your fast?

If you dream of Ben and Jerrys while youre dozing at the altar, does that breakyour fast?

If restricting food intake makes you holier, then why did Jesus come eating anddrinking while His cousin John the Baptist ate bugs (Matt.3:4;11:19;Mark 1:6;Luke 7:33-34)? Why did John tell Jesus that Jesus ought to baptize him instead of the other way around (Matt.3:14)?

If frequent fasting gives you power over satan, why did Jesus, Who fasted onlyonce in Scripture, cast out more devils than John the Baptist, who fasted all thetime?

If fasting is binding on Christians why isnt it included in the Christians to do listin I Thes.5:16-22? Did it slip Pauls mind?

Rom.13:8: Owe no man any thing, but to love one another: for he that lovethanother hath fulfilled the law.9 For this, Thou shalt not commit adultery, Thou shalt not kill, Thou shalt notsteal, Thou shalt not bear false witness, Thou shalt not covet; and if there be anyother commandment, it is briefly comprehended in this saying, namely, Thou

shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.10 Love worketh no ill to his neighbour: therefore love is the fulfilling of the law.

Here Paul writes that God demands nothing further from us unless it hassomething to do with loving our neighbor. Unless theres not enough food to goaround and youre feeding your neighbor with your own meal, what does starvingyourself have to do with loving your neighbor? Instead of benefiting yourneighbor, self-starvation may make you grouchier and harder to live with. If youbelieve you receive power to pray effectively for others by receiving the HolyGhost (Jesus own promise in Acts 1:8), why should you seek power in fasting, adoctrine NEVER taught by any New Testament apostle?

Theres a fast to get intimate with the Bridegroom doctrine going around.HOGWASH! Who starves on their own honeymoon, unless theyre too broke tobuy refreshments? In Jesus day, weddings were celebrated with seven days of


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non-stop eating and dancing, and even the sour-faced Pharisees stopped theirfasting to crash the party. Modern wedding receptions at least provide peanutsand cake. Jesus said Hes with us all the time (Matt.28:20), so how doespunishing your body make Him love you anymore than He already does? Whydoes your blood sugar have to nosedive before you can spiritually soar up intothe heavenly places? The Bible says were ALREADY seated with Christ inHeavenly Places (Eph.2:6). Did the apostles ever teach this heathen doctrine of weakening our bodies so we could liberate our spirit to go do its own thing? Or,could this idea come from OTHER sources? Has some sneaky snake snuckthrough cracks in the church? Satan is a spy in a pious disguise who binds yourmind with legalistic lies. He goes to church more than you or I. Like a diamondcounterfeiter, he cant spiritually tempt you unless it looks real.

Preachers tell you to at least fast till sunset. So what if you live up in Alaskawhere the sun doesnt set in summer for months on end? Does God expect youto kill yourself?

What if you sleep till noon and the sun sets by five? Do you get a smaller reward

than the lady who got up at six a.m and fasted till six p.m.? Does she get timeand a half for that hour of overtime, while you get a pay cut for being late towork?

They call fasting a WORK (job) you do to please God, and many Christians sayHes our Boss instead of our loving Heavenly Father. Even a burger flipper gets a30-minute lunch break during his work shift. How many chicken nuggets couldyou cram in before break time is over and youre back on the job of starvingyourself? If your mouths big enough, you scarf down a whole Whopper even if allyou got was a ten-minute break!

How do you fast if part of your job is to take a business client out to lunch?

Where would you take that client? To the Breatharian Bistro? In case youvenever heard of them, the Breatharians try never to eat, they live only on pure,fresh mountain air.

If you use a flavor spray on your tongue like diet guru Richard Simmons, doesthat violate your sacred fast?

Lunch menu at the ladies fasting seminar: Air-derves, /cyber salad/ Ghost beef with vapor taters/ fantasy fudge cake/ clear coffee and a toothpick. $10.50 ahead.

Eating is sinful and self-indulgent, but drinking is not, even if you derive pleasure

from a tasty drink. If you sip a liquefied Brownie Cheesecake Sundae through astraw it doesnt ruin your soul, just your figure. Why do Christians fast to combatthe sin of mastication (chewing)? Because Adams sin was this: He sinned in theGarden of EATIN, not the Garden of Drinkin. Many ascetic Christians believethat Adams sin was he FEASTED instead of FASTED. But what did God actuallyorder Adam to do? God told Adam that he was welcome to EAT (not fast from)ALL the trees of the Garden except one which was off-limits (Gen.2:16). If BigMacs and pepperoni pizzas had existed back then Adam could have eaten all hewanted. God did not tell Adam to fast from any other tree except that forbiddenone in the midst of the Garden. Adam did not have to go hungry to earn Godsapproval. Adam was not commanded to starve his body to prove his soulshunger for Jesus, as is taught today.

Christians who fast are relieved when the preacher gives them permission to have juice. Drinking something doesnt carry the same stigma with legalists as eating


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something. Adam ate the Forbidden FRUIT, he didnt drink the forbidden juice. If your pastor walks into KFC and he catches you chewing up a bucket of chickenwithout any help, youre the chief of sinners. But if you daintily sip somethingfrom a Big Gulp cup he assumes its only Diet Coke and thats all right with Godbecause its such a hot day outside, and youd faint by the wayside if youattempted a waterless fast. Its easier to hide those sinful chocolate milk shakecalories if theyre ingested through a straw from a big bucket with a plastic lid onit. Why would Adam had been in the clear if satan had first sold Eve a VegematicJuicer to get around the catch-22 of not actually EATING the fruit? If Adam hadbeen a simpleton he might have told God: Well, duh I didnt disobey You. Yousaid not to EAT from that tree, You said nothing about me DRINKING from it. He still would have been kicked out of the Garden for his violation of the spirit of the Law. Adams sin was not non-fasting, as many teach. It was disobedience toGods command not to partake of that one tree.

If Christians have to fast like Old Testament Jews, why arent they also supposedto do other things fasting Jews did: rip their suit & tie and throw dirt on theirheads? The church janitor would get ticked off if everyone dumped dirt on their

heads (and the brand new carpet). Worse yet, all the males snoozing in churchwould jump the pews if some woman LITERALLY applied the admonition to tearyour garments and tore open her blouse! Why are the corn, wine and oil spiritualized in the Book of Joel while fasting iscarried over to the New Covenant as a physical duty? Corn represents Christ theBread of Life, while wine and oil represent the Holy Spirit, Who spirituallyrefreshes His people and anoints their lives with power. We receive the blessedHoly Spirit and His unction because of Christs sacrifice on our behalf, not becausewe torture our bodies to punish them for sin. Why cant fasting, like all other OldTestament practices, be considered spiritual only today? It does a Christian farmore good to fast from sin than a jelly doughnut! Some Christians fast so much

theyre skinny as a snake, and theyre mean as a snake from hunger!

The Pharisees of Jesus day invented hundreds of donts to help Gods peoplekeep the laws of Moses better. When you fast twice a week you put yourself under a LAW that says never again will you eat on Monday or Thursday, and if you dont keep that law youre letting God down and bringing possible penaltieson yourself. It takes only one slender chain to get us out of the Grace of God andtie us back to the Law. And it creates so many Catch-22 legalisms.

In midsummer, daylight hours last till about 10 p.m. in Northern Europe. Inmidwinter, daylight ends around 4:30. So if you fast till sundown in winter, doesthe Lord put you on part-time wages, or do you get a pay bonus in the summer?

Are American fasters less spiritual because their summer sun sets sooner?What about the extra hour in daylight savings time? Do I earn more blessing forhaving to set my clock back to starve an extra hour?

If you set your watch forward a few hours and time your fast by that, is thatcheating?

What if youre fasting on a day you have to fly? If the sun is setting in Englandbut its only one p.m. in America when you arrive, do you have to fast five extrahours, or can you go by English time?

Just suppose youre strong enough to say no to that free airplane meal, but theflesh is getting weak. What if the stewardess is out of crackers? Do pretzels putyou in the doghouse with God?


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What if the pastor flies from America To Europe during the Big Church Fast, whichis due to end at 6 p.m. tonight? Think of it. A whole six-hour time difference.Does that mean he gets to break his fast six hours before anyone else justbecause hes living six hours in the future on the other side of the planet?

Theres built-in inequality in the sacrifice of a church fast. What if the pastorweighs 400 pounds and this poor widow only weighs 98 pounds? Does the bonywoman who sacrifices five pounds of lean muscle get more blessing from Godthan the pastor who fasts five pounds of fat?

What if the sky gets dark early because of a solar eclipse or bad weather? Doesthat count as sundown, or do you have to go by when the sun set yesterday?

What if you get so hungry you nibble ice out of the freezer? Does that break yourfast, even if it doesnt break your teeth?

If I accidentally swallow my sugarless gum, does that break my fast?

Can I put stale bread out for the sweetly singing songbirds, or do they have toafflict their souls too?

My goldfish never stop swimming and eating. Are they going to hell for gluttony?

Mosquitoes are the wickedest critters on Planet Earth. Why arent they everrequired to fast to show penitence for sin? Now that would be a blessing!

Do I have to coop up my cat so he cant catch mice during my fast?

Is it okay to smoke or dip snuff during a fast? After all, nothing goes down my

swallow pipe.

If my stomach aches from my fast and I chew a Tums, is that eating?

If you chew on your pencil, have you broken your fast?

If I fall asleep on the couch and a bug flies into my snoring mouth, have I brokenmy fast?


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If I stare through the bakery window and lust after that chocolate clair, have Ibroken my fast in my heart?

Fasting teachers say we have to fast because Adam ate the forbidden fruit.According to their logic, Christs sacrifice on Calvary wasnt enough so we needto redeem ourselves and pass a similar test because our first parents let Goddown in the Garden of Eden. Thats the same as doing a makeup test for yourmom and dad if they flunked Algebra 30 years ago. So youre doing a replay of Adam and Eve and are gonna pass the test this time around, come hell or high


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water. If it was hard for Adam and Eve to resist diet food, an apple, how muchmore of a temptation are those fudge brownies were about to put away in thefreezer till after the fast. Theyre crying out: Dont freeze me, EAT me! Oncewe nibble a crumb or two, we throw in the towel and say, That stupid fasts allshot to hell anyway, and Im in the doghouse with God anyway, so I might as wellflunk fasting in style. That chocolate devil only whets your appetite for otherforbidden fruit: a strawberry cheesecake. Oh, I get it! Adam and Eves forbiddentree was a Hotpoint Refrigerator!

What if youre on a DRINK FAST and pulverize a whole chicken in the blender,reducing it to thin soup? Does that count as a drink if you sip it through a straw?

Can soup count a drink if its thin enough? How thin does soup have to be beforeits fine for fasting?

Does liquid suitable for a Drink Fast have to be thin enough to pass through theeye of a needle, or just through a straw?

What if you take a thick chocolate shake and nuke it till its all runny, then beat ittill its thin as water? Will that be okay for your drink fast?

If youre a growing teenager and cant survive without food longer than an hour,

is it okay to fast forty minutes instead of forty days? Is a forty-minute fast toosmall a sacrifice if youre supersized and over the hill?

If its a one-day fast do you have to starve yourself overnight till your nextbreakfast rolls around, or can you raid the fridge at midnight and eat 6,000calories to make up for the 2,000 calories you didnt eat during daylight hours?

What if you lay on the couch and keep checking the time till your religious tortureis finally over? Does it chalk up any points with God, or does He fire you forbeing a lazy clock-watcher who goofs off on the job?

What if your brain vegetates from carb deprivation and you cant compose adecent prayer to God anymore? What if youre praying for one specific thing andyouve set aside three whole days to ask God for the same thing, over and overand over and over again? Does God need a hearing aid, or are you just trying to


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The greater the sacrifice the greater the blessing. That means more alwaysmeans better. Does this mean that if you never take another bite of food, youllbe a spiritual powerhouse on your way to heaven? All I know is, frequent fastersfly home faster.

If the pastor fasts faster than you, do you finish the church fast last?

You get paid so much per hour at your job. You may have to work a thousandhours to earn a new Lexus Sports Coupe. But working three minutes barely getsyou a can of Coke. How big of a blessing do you earn by fasting three minutes,or three days? Whats Gods pay scale for fasting? Dont scoff at this notion.Jesus said that he who works earns a paycheck (John 4:36). Grace, on the otherhand, is Gods unearned favor. Paul said in Romans 4:4-5 that if youre trying toget God in debt to you by doing works, you arent operating in the realm of grace. Very few do unpleasant jobs for nothing. They do it to earn a reward.Mixing fasting with grace is like making your fiance scrub the kitchen floor toearn her own engagement ring. What a romance-killer! Legalists get us sofocused on using that old scouring pad of suffering on ourselves to purge our lives

of sin that they turn our sweet romance with Jesus into a janitorial job.

A little spiritual food for thought:

I Cor. 8:8: But meat (food) commendeth (approves) us not to God: for neither, if we eat, are we the better; neither, if we eat not, are we the worse.

Colossians 2:20: Wherefore if ye be dead with Christ from the rudiments(elementary principles) of the world, why, as though living in the world, are yesubject to ordinances,21 (Touch not; taste not; handle not;22 Which all are to perish with the using;) after the commandments and

doctrines of men?

I Tim.4:1: Now the Spirit speaketh expressly, that in the latter times some shalldepart from the faith, giving heed to seducing spirits, and doctrines of devils;2 Speaking lies in hypocrisy; having their conscience seared with a hot iron;3 Forbidding to marry, and commanding to abstain from meats (foods), whichGod hath created to be received with thanksgiving of them which believe andknow the truth.

Rom.14:17: For the kingdom of God is not meat and drink; but righteousness,and peace, and joy in the Holy Ghost.18 For he that in these things serveth Christ is acceptable to God, and approved

of men.* * * * *No mention of fasting to make us acceptable to God.

What more could you possibly want then being acceptable to God in Christ?

These verses should be enough to prove fasting from food doesnt turn you into aspiritual giant.

Now lets Tackle Tithing and Guilt Giving:

Next time your preacher begs for tithes, bring him veggies out of your garden, or

a side of beef if youre a rancher. If he protests, point him to this scripture:


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Lev.27:30-34: And all the tithe of the land, whether of the seed of the land, or of the fruit of the tree, is the LORD'S: it is holy unto the LORD.31 And if a man will at all redeem ought of his tithes, he shall add thereto thefifth part thereof.32 And concerning the tithe of the herd, or of the flock, even of whatsoeverpasseth under the rod, the tenth shall be holy unto the LORD.

In Matt. 23: 23 Jesus allows the evil Pharisees to pay tithes on the mint leaves of their garden. I dont think He was talking about the fruit of the Federal Mint!

The Pharisees of Jesus day felt good about themselves because they paid titheson everything they owned (Luke 18:12). This opens up a Pandoras Box of brandnew legalism for believers who believe they must follow his example in giving.

Next time I unwrap a Hershey Bar, do I have to find the nearest preacher andgive him one-tenth of it?

Say theres some old country church where tithing is preached. And theres a dirt

farmer in the congregation who swaps some work for a ton of horse manure.Would the preacher take ten per cent of that?

Preachers holler and scream about how we have to exceed the righteousness of the Pharisees to squeeze into the Kingdom of God. The Pharisee who boasted hewas better than the sinful tax collector bragged to God how he tithed onEVERYTHING he owned, not just farm produce. This extra sacrifice was NOTcommanded in the Law, it was just the Pharisee playing god by expanding onwhat God actually commanded. Not only that, the Pharisee fasted two times aweek, while the Law of Moses required fasting only once a year, on the Day of Atonement. Well, if we have to exceed the righteousness of the Pharisees, thisraises some sticky questions:

Since the Pharisee tithed on EVERYTHING he owned, not just food, does thepreacher get one-tenth of my Elvis collection?

The proud Pharisee tithed on everything he owned (Luke 18:12). So if John Q.Pew-Warmer has zilch in his pocket, can he tithe on his sock collection and hisRed Man Snuff?

What about the poor old lady who cuts corners in order to tithe her welfarecheck? Should she keep the Pharisees New and Improved version of Gods tithinglaw and bring the preacher ten per cent of the cat food she eats?

Should she bring the preacher ten per cent of her Food Stamps?

Should she tithe on her grocery coupons? Will the preacher condemn her to hellif some of them are expired?

How about ten per cent of her prescription pills?

I could tithe on some of my shoes, but that big preacher would have to cut thetoes out to wear my size!

If I buy a ten-pack of hot dogs should I bring one wiener and put it in the offeringplate?

Do I count my M&Ms and bring the preacher one-tenth of them?


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Next time I buy a 12-pack of Coke, I guess he gets exactly 1-2/5 cans. Oh, heck, just make it an even 2 and call that your offering added to the tithe.

The preachers wife is too conservative to want a tithe of my wardrobe, but if youre gonna be legalistic about it, theres always the Salvation Army

Next time someone brings over a floral bouquet, should I yank out a couple of chrysanthemums for the preacher?

If theres a hunk of corn bread left on the stove, should it go to the preacher orout to the birds?

Should the preacher get that batch of cookies that burnt on the bottom?

When I order a pizza, do I set aside one wedge for the preacher? What if hehates pepperoni?

If were supposed to relate to each other on equal terms as brethren (Matt.23:8)then why does the tithe-collecting preacher turn into a fire-breathing dragon if you dont pay him tribute out of your paycheck each week?

The world equality is a four-letter word to conservative preachers who believein sink or swim economics. They persuade poor Christians that rich preachersgot that way by tithing out of their poverty to other rich preachers. But Paulbelieved in equality of well-being (2 Cor.8:13-15). If you get thrown out of yourfleabag apartment because you shelled out your hard-earned peanuts to somestuffed elephant preacher who cant decide which of his mansions to live in thisweek, theres something mighty UN-equal going on.

One preacher brags about how God blessed him for donating one of his airplanesto a fellow preacher. But you just try to pry a blessing out of that same preacherif your car broke down and you cant get to work. You wont even get a broken-down skateboard out of him. Youre just a nobody! Giving to non-preachersdoesnt count as giving to God.

Rich preachers appeal to Paul to justify their greed. I dont get it. They misquotesome hungry, raggedy theologian who possessed all things but had no certaindwellingplace. Why? So they can possess all things by taking charity fromother poverty-stricken Christians in danger of being homeless. Truth is strangerthan fiction.

This same Paul said, Bless, and curse not (Rom.12:14). But what do we seebut Cashflow Holler cursing for dollars from his pulpit. You dont dare go into thismegalomaniacs church without promising him ten per cent of the wages earnedby the sweat of your brow. What if a homeless person works for food and forgotto tithe on it? Will Cashflow command the poor guy to barf up ten per cent of thestale crackers he ate into the offering bag?

Can you imagine Cashflow with a stomach pump pumping food out of the poorhomeless guy and hollering, The wealth of the wicked is mine!

Why doesnt this giving thing work both ways, if Jesus taught were all equal?Instead of praying gods curses down on poverty-stricken people, why doesntCashflow give other people anything but hot air? Why wont he invite evictedChristians to come live with him in his ritzy mansion? Isnt housing the homeless


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part of Isaiah 58:7? Funny how conservative prosperity preachers import tithingfrom the Old Testament but spiritualize away the old liberal laws they hate.

What if Cashflow got lost in a time warp and ended up in the Book of Acts whereChristians shared all their possessions and never claimed exclusive ownership of anything? Cashflow would cry COMMUNIST! Imagine how hed cry if Peterauctioned off his Rolex to feed a few hungry Christians.

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A preacher went to church to preyHe wanted more tithes in the offering plateHe screamed out a curseTo get in your purseAnd threatened all his slaves.

Non-tithers make me sickA preachers got the right to be rich

Its your job to workTo pay for my churchSo open those wallets real quick.

I see non-tithers out thereThe lady with the red hairIf you dont cough upYour life will get roughIf I were you Id be scared.

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If Preach screams at you to bring your firstfruits into the House of God, nexttime thou makest a batch of biscuits, save him a wad of thy raw dough in keepingwith Numbers 15:21. He might whack you over the noggin with a Sunday SchoolQuarterly and complain youre dough isnt green enough for the House of theLord. It just didnt get moldy enough, I guess.

Next time your preacher says Dont eat the tithe buy yourself a six-pack of Budand read him this verse:

Deut.14:26: And thou shalt bestow (spend) that money (from the sale of hard-to-transport farm produce) for whatsoever thy soul lusteth after, for oxen, or for

sheep, or for wine, or for strong drink, or for whatsoever thy soul desireth: andthou shalt eat there before the LORD thy God, and thou shalt rejoice, thou, andthine household

NEVER in all my long life have I ever heard any preacher preach on or evenmention that particular passage which tells the worshipper to eat their own tithe.Notice, you dont buy what the preacher lusts after (a Cadillac full of caviar)but the kind of party refreshments YOU like to eat (or drink).

* * * * * *

Why dont preachers tell children to tithe on their Gummi Bears? Thats just asscriptural as tithing on paychecks! Imagine Preachers horror if he found aSnickers Bar in the offering plate after he hollered about keeping food in GodsHouse.


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Next time the preacher pounds the pulpit and rebukes poor people for buyingfood and medicine instead of proving God with a fat tithe check for new pews,ask him if the thinks Jesus lied when He said Hed rather have mercy thansacrifice (Matt.12:7). Ask him why Christ, Who was a topnotch Carpenter, didntbuild better pews for His open-air meetings. Or why He didnt dun poor folks formoney to build a crystal colosseum so they could stay in out of the rain.

Next time you get ready to donate your yard sale leftovers to some charity, bring em to church instead. The zealous Pharisee tithed on ALL he possessed, not juston his money. Maybe, just maybe, the preacher will fit into those bib overalls yououtgrew. Theres always your scratched-up Elvis records

Many Christians are so bound by tithing, theyre going into foreclosure and losingtheir homes so they can afford to tithe. Ask that preacher why its okay to gobbleup widows houses when Jesus disapproved of the practice back in His day(Matt.23:14).

Ask him why he believes the ten per cent figure of the Tithing Law is still bindingon Gods people, but he doesnt pay ten per cent of the tithes he himself receivesto others like the real Levites did (Neh.10:38).

Ask him why he wont give tithers a break every seventh year like they had inancient Israel, when the land was to be left uncultivated and no tithes could betaken from it (Lev.25:4). It stands to reason that if tithes came from working theland, and youre working at KFC, then ten KFC is the land youre working andchicken is the product of that place. So per cent of all the chicken that placechurns out should be packed up and hauled off to the hungry preacher.

If tithing is still for today, why would conservative preachers get mad if todays

factory workers took off work every seventh year like ancient Israelite farmers(the ONLY people who ever owed tithes in the Bible!)

Why do preachers hang onto the ten per cent tithe for spiritual Levites but insistthe Third Year Poor Tithe is done away? Ask him if God has changed Hisconditions for getting the blessing in the following passage:

Deut.26: 12: When thou hast made an end of tithing all the tithes of thineincrease (agricultural harvest) the third year, which is the year of tithing, andhast given it unto the Levite, the stranger, the fatherless, and the widow, thatthey may eat within thy gates, and be filled;13 Then thou shalt say before the LORD thy God, I have brought away the

hallowed things out of mine house, and also have given them unto the Levite,and unto the stranger, to the fatherless, and to the widow, according to all thycommandments which thou hast commanded me: I have not transgressed thycommandments, neither have I forgotten them:14 I have not eaten thereof in my mourning, neither have I taken away oughtthereof for any unclean use, nor given ought thereof for the dead: but I havehearkened to the voice of the LORD my God, and have done according to all thatthou hast commanded me.15 Look down from thy holy habitation, from heaven, and bless thy people Israel,and the land which thou hast given us, as thou swarest unto our fathers, a landthat floweth with milk and honey.

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If preachers are spiritual Levites, then why is tithing always literal, not spiritual? Cause you cant buy many Mercedes with immaterial money!

If preachers are spiritual Levites, do ordinary Christians outrank them, since Petersays all believers are New Covenant priests (I Pet.2:5,9)? The Bible teaches thatthe Levites served the priests, not the other way around (Num.1:6-9). TheLevites performed menial work for the Tabernacle while the priests ministered atthe altar. The Levites paid tithes to the priests (Neh.10:38). The priests did nottithe to the Levites. ALL Gods children are priests. So pay up, preacher!

Next time the preacher asks for first fruits offerings, bring him a basket of applesoff your tree. If he gripes about it, read him Deut.26:1-11 and ask if the Israelitefarmer in this passage brought the priest paper lettuce with American presidentson it. Remind him of all the times the preacher preached that God never changesand Hes always the same (Malachi 3:6). Spiritual money laundering doesntwork. To God, filthy lucre is no cleaner than it was in Jesus day.

Ask the preacher why he pigs out on pork barbecue if its against Old Testament

Law (Lev.11:7; Deut.14:8). If he says that laws done away, ask him why,when it comes to tithing, he seems to think If it pays it aint done away.

Funny how modern preachers spiritualize away Gods promise of healing for thebody, Gods spiritual gifts, Bible prophecy, etc., while keeping the moneymakersliteral. Theyll correctly point out that circumcision is now to be spiritual only, aninner matter of the heartuntil they get to that part of the service wherePreacher gives your paycheck the chop to supersize his luxurious lifestyle. Theold rites of the Jewish Temple now have spiritual significance only. But when youget to tithing, thats still to be literally obeyedwell, yes and no. No longerliterally what God ordered tithes to be, on lambs and cows, corn, grapes, andolives. Now the god in the pulpit lusts for literal lettuce your boss pays you every

two weeks.

Brother, youd better report your paycheck to Big Brother or your blessedassurance will fry in hell. Christ was only kidding when He told you to give yourdonations in secret (Matt.6:4). Otherwise, He never would have provided thosenifty little envelopes on the back of the pew in front of you.

The meanest spiritual butchers are so zealous about hacking up your paycheck,theyll name and shame non-tithers right from the pulpit. That evil jackbootpreacher will yell about how non-tithers prevent miracles of healing in the churchbecause God isnt getting paid to pour them out. That jackboot preacher willdamn the cheapskate welfare mother to the lowest hell for refusing to put her

babys milk money in the offering plate as an act of faith. The preacher will insultnon-tithers, even put certain church members on a blacklist to be shunned asthe vilest of sinners. But funny how this rebuking business doesnt work bothways. its not okay for John Q. Pew-warmer to go up to the pulpit and dressdown the preacher for being a serial polygamist (divorcing and remarrying onewoman after another). Its a far worse sin to be a poor steward of your welfarecheck than to be a poor husband!


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Preachers are always hollering about how you have to paddle your little childrento make them mind. A lot of Christian parents carry a switch to church with them,and everywhere they go. But next time the preacher yells that you must keepthe Old Law (fasting or tithing) to be holy, ask him to preach on the good old-fashioned feces paddle the Law required Israelites to carry around with them:

Deut.23:12: Thou shalt have a place also without the camp, whither thou shalt goforth abroad (go to the toilet)13 And thou shalt have a paddle (spade) upon thy weapon (with your gear); andit shall be, when thou wilt ease thyself abroad (relieve yourself), thou shalt digtherewith, and shalt turn back and cover that which cometh from thee:14 For the LORD thy God walketh in the midst of thy camp, to deliver thee, andto give up thine enemies before thee; THEREFORE SHALL THY CAMP BE HOLY:that he see no unclean thing in thee, and turn away from thee.

Good sanitation kept the camp holy in the sight of the Lord and helped ensureGod gave the Israelites victory over their enemies. Even if the odor from anunsanitary camp had been strong enough to kill a million Amakekites withoutspears and arrows, a dirty camp is a defeated camp. Think how much holier thatcamp would have been with a little Lysol in the hand-dug latrines! The church

janitor is performing a vital ministry even if he doesnt get paid enough to keepthe tithes rolling in. Oh, well, just so long as he keeps the toilet paper rolling inthe ladies room.

A rich preacher had just finished lambasting the congregation about giving theirtithes and offerings, and how God would give them a one-way ticket to hell if they didnt cough up the cash. Two little boys walked up to him after the service.One handed him a weird present.

Whats this for? the preacher said gruffly.

Your tie, preacher, I aint got no offering.


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His brother handed the preacher the fifty cents he had in his pocket.

Whats this for? the preacher barked. Ive already got so much loot in the bankI dont need your piddly little change.

I thought you did need it, the boy said.

Why?

cause Daddy says youre a mighty poor preacher. Is this enough to pay my busfare to heaven?

* * * * * *

Preachers rant and rave about bringing tithes of filthy lucre into Gods House, a laMalachi 3:8-10. That dont make much sense to me. Paul said our BODIES arethe House of God (I Cor.6:19). Does that mean I have to gobble up a twenty-

dollar bill to bring one-tenth of my paycheck into Gods House?

The Jews Temple had a storehouse where the tithes were kept. Since when didGod ever authorize preachers to appoint the Bank of America as His NewCovenant Storehouse?

Ancient Israelites picked their tithes off grape vines and olive trees. Moderntithes pop out of ATM machines. I wonder if the grape vines and olive treesprinted out receipts for tax deduction purposes.

Now, they say, preachers make it even easier for you. You dont have to slog inthe rain to get to your nearest ATM machine, only to find it empty. Robots have

put many factory workers out of a job, and now theyve even put Levites out of a job. So you dont have to bring your tithes to a Levite anymore, even if youcould find a full-blooded Levite in your midst. Now theyve come up with thechurchs version of an ATM machine: the AUTOMATED TITHING MACHINE.

Jesus scattered the money changers out of the temple with a whip. He needs aFord pickup truck to haul Tithe-atron away:


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Say a preacher is forty per cent Irish, twenty per cent German, ten per centJapanese, fifteen per cent Chinese, fourteen per cent Burmese and one per centCherokee Indian. How does he qualify to take up tithes if God only authorizespure-blooded Levites to do it? What if, heaven forbid, a woman preacher takes uptithes? If you dont even know who your ancestors are, and especially if yourefemale, can you call yourself a true son of Aaron, the ONLY group of people everauthorized by God to take up tithes (Heb.7:5)

When did Jesus ever pass the plate at His meetings and ask for tithes andofferings? Jesus came from the tribe of Judah. He could accept freewill offerings,but He didnt qualify to take tithes. Did He pass out the loaves and fishes inreturn for your best offering to defray expenses?

Did the disciples demand a tip from the people they waited on?

Did they give the choicest cuts of the fish to the rich?

Do modern miracle preachers truly follow in the Masters footsteps? Where doesit say Jesus ever promised His followers a winning Lotto ticket if they wouldsacrifice next months rent to finance a new sound system for his open airmeetings?

If your greedy preacher wants you to take a flying leap of faith (fly by the seat of your pants) and consecrate YOUR rent money to the work of the Lord, then theleast the preacher could do is go down to the realtors office with you and try toget the grumpy old grouch saved so hell be more understanding when he findsout you put this months rent payment in the collection plate. Surely BROTHERScrooge wouldnt turn you out onto the street this Christmas for paying your tithewith HIS money, if he really loves the Lord.or would he?

On a very serious note: The very idea of tithing to the Lord in the form of agreedy preacher should make alarm bells go off in your head. Does Jesus even


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REMOTELY resemble that fat cat pleasure-lover in the pulpit, who wears a $2,000suit, drives a shiny new Mercedes, wears a diamond Rolex, and enjoys lots of other amenities easy money can provide? When did Jesus ever threaten to sendanybody to hell for failure to support His earthly ministry with ten per cent of their wages and salaries? Jesus looks nothing like the stuffed shirt in the pulpit.

Once I got past the buzzwords and religious hoopla and finally woke up andsmelled the coffee, I came to the conclusion that it is sheer blasphemy for anypreacher to order people to give or tithe anything to the Lord because whenthey talk about giving to the Lord they really mean themselves! God up inheaven doesnt drive a Cadillac or live in a big mansion in California. To fleece theflock as Gods alleged representative and order people to tithe to the Lord isreally a manifestation of the spirit of antichrist. Antichrist means instead of Christ. Preachers that irresponsible are presuming to put themselves in Godsplace, stealing His gold and His glory! They are literally playing god with peopleslives!

Jesus trusted in His Heavenly Father to provide all He needed without resorting to

threats against His listeners. Jesus taught His disciples to ask the Father toprovide their daily needs (Matt.6:11). If living by faith is good enough for thepoor folks out in the pews, it oughta be good enough for the pulpit pilots too.

Just imagine if every Christian made homeless by tithing would turn up on theguilty preachers doorstep and ask for Christian hospitality. I Peter 4:9 instructsChristians to show hospitality to other Christians without griping about it. Peterdoesnt command big shot celebrity preachers to hide away from their ownbrothers and sisters in gated communities after theyve gotten rich by makingthese people homeless.

Paul said he wanted to see EQUALITY of well-being in the Body of Christ (2

Cor.8:14). Others should not have way too much while you have way too little.Once again I hear some Brother Bigmouth yelling COMMUNIST! if you tell himthe word equality is actually in the Bible. Well, does it say equality doesntapply to both pew Christians and pulpit Christians? Did Paul preach class divisionin the Body of Christ? Is the preacher flying first class to heaven while you flybaggage class?

If preachers are consistent about applying ALL the Word of God, not just themoneymakers, theyll preach equality of well-being in the Christian community.More often than not, all this drivel about We feel your pain and were praying foryou, brother is just hot air. When was the last time some rich preachers wifethrew one-tenth of her diamonds into the offering plate to pay HER tithe so the

men down at the homeless mission could eat?Maybe if the preacher raises the thermostat in his air-conditioned dog house hisministrys operating expenses could be lowered.

If Jesus set the example for faith preachers then why did He take up offerings forthe poor instead of for Himself? Jesus was poor as a church mouse, and mostmodern preachers would wonder why Christ didnt use that as an excuse to hitpeople up for cash and splash out on luxuries. If He had no place to lay his head(Matt.8:20; Luke 8:58) why didnt He just stay in the Presidential Suite of theJerusalem Hilton and charge it to the ministry like modern televangelists do?

Did Jesus ask any healed lepers for their credit card numbers or tell them to get aPay Pal account to help them sow their faith seeds?


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Why wont my money seed sprout up in my own back yard if I plant it in somerich preachers yard? Even a dirt farmer from Alabama could figure that one out.

Preachers scream down Malachi tithing curses on Gods children for failure tobring their filthy lucre into the House of the Lord. So why dont they give equaltime to the warnings in this verse?

Prov.22:16: He that oppresseth the poor to increase his riches, and he thatgiveth to the rich, shall surely come to want (extreme poverty).

Preachers who plunder peoples pockets should git ten licks with the feces paddle!

Watch these videos:

Fleecing the Flockhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nKUlbi2TmDc

Tithe-atron is Coming to Churchhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vQ6-nxfu7yM

The Apostles Did Not Teach Fasting and Tithinghttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-p4shu6va24

Tithe-atron is Coming to Churchhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vQ6-nxfu7yM

Tithe or Youll Fry in Hell

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5KUu7g8fvWI
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nKUlbi2TmDchttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vQ6-nxfu7yMhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-p4shu6va24http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vQ6-nxfu7yMhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5KUu7g8fvWIhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nKUlbi2TmDchttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vQ6-nxfu7yMhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-p4shu6va24http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vQ6-nxfu7yMhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5KUu7g8fvWI

the lighter side of tithing and fasting

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