The Hidden Struggle Towards Forgiveness

• Clarifying confusion about forgiveness.

• Helping church members or students who are struggling with ongoing anger and a sense of injustice to forgive others.

• Helping church members or students struggling with guilt to forgive themselves.

Alex Wang, Ph.D.alex@alexwangphd.comhttp://ak_wang.users.sonic.net/blog/415-367-34396/2/15

Receiving God’sForgiveness

Forgiving Offender

Asking Others to Forgive Me

Forgiving Myself

“Forgiving God”

Interactions of Forgiveness

Social Effects

Common Misconceptions of Forgiveness

• “Forgiveness is excusing the harmful behavior” • “Forgiveness means I’m approving the harmful behavior of the

offender; what they did was OK.”

• We can help someone fully acknowledge the real harm that was done

• We can help someone separate forgiveness from real disapproval of what was done

• We can help someone seek to understand the circumstances that led up to the harm and the characteristics of the offender but this doesn’t excuse him/her

Common Misconceptions of Forgiveness

• “Forgiveness is a feeling”

• We can help someone understand that forgiveness is: • a choice• a spiritual act of obedience• an ongoing process vs an accomplished endpoint

Common Misconceptions of Forgiveness

• “Forgiveness means I have to sacrifice seeing justice done”

• We can help someone explore opportunities for justice: God ultimately, who avenges (Rom 12:19), the government’s role, and the court’s role to execute justice instead of the victim carrying out justice.

• We can help someone consider giving input to influence a pardon or the granting of leniency, which are decided in a court or other legal setting

Common Misconceptions of Forgiveness

• “Forgiveness means I have to trust the offender”

• “Forgiveness means I don’t judge the offender”

• “Forgiveness means I have to be reconciled to the offender”

• “Forgiveness means I need to keep tolerating the offender’s continued harmful behavior”

Common Misconceptions of Forgiveness

Forgiveness Reconciliation

Independent from the offender’s trustworthiness

Requires the offender’s trustworthiness

Independent from the offender’s remorse/repentance

Requires the offender’s true remorse/repentance

Can take steps unilaterally Can take steps only bilaterally

Offender’s apology not needed Offender’s apology is needed

Unconditional Conditional

I Can’t/Have Difficulty Forgiving Others

• “It is ‘too difficult’ to forgive; I can’t face what happened to me”

• “It is too difficult to forgive all at once”

• Forgiveness involves difficult parts of our lives: guilt, fear, hurt, anger, depression, shame, rejection, inadequacy which are not easy things to bring up or discuss. Most people get by without practicing forgiveness and use coping mechanisms use a substitute. (RT Kendall, Total Forgiveness)

• Baby steps

I Can’t/Have Difficulty Forgiving Others

• “I am too angry to forgive”

• “I am too motivated by the primal desire for revenge”

• “I am immature/chronologically young”

• We can help someone establish psychological or actual safety and wait until the situation is more stable before entertaining forgiveness; ex trauma victims

• We can help someone look at safe ways to dissipate high levels of anger but retaining enough anger to be useful

• general trend is that forgiveness of others is easier as we age. (McCullough p449)

• Foster spiritual/emotional maturity

• Provide role modeling ex to counteract retaliatory culture

I Can’t/Have Difficulty Forgiving Others

• “I can’t forgive because of the nature of the offense: it appeared to be intentional and having more negative consequences” (McCullough p 450.)

• “I can’t forgive because the offender is a stranger”

• “I can’t forgive because I know the offender: family, friend...”

• Forgiving is easier when in the context of a relationship where the victim feels satisfied, close, and committed (Mccullough p 450)

• Help someone challenge the just world/safe world expectations: ex being hurt, losing your job, having trust broken, … consequence of a broken world

I Can’t/Have Difficulty Forgiving Others

• “I feel pressure from the church’s, the pastor’s, or other Christian’s expectations to forgive quickly”

• “I feel pressure to maintain a harmonious church/student fellowship and a good testimony to the non-believing.”

BUT I’m not ready; the offense is still too painful and fresh.

- We may need to help someone “make room for conflict” acknowledging pain and hurt done within a group vs covering it over too quickly

- Cf’s Paul’s persuasive press in Philemon vs room to wait for the process

- What would help church or fellowship leaders deal with this?

I Can’t/Have Difficulty Forgiving Others

• “I can’t forgive because I always remember what happened”• “ I have traumatic/intrusive memories from what happened.”

• Isaiah 43:25 “I, even I, am the one who wipes out your transgressions for My own sake, And I will not remember your sins.” NASB

• Philippians 3:13-14 “Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” NIV

• Working on forgiveness will lessen the impact of memories• Exposure work to desensitize memories

I Can’t/Have Difficulty Forgiving Others

• Satanic agency in recall

• The recall of memory is subject to spiritual influence; ex recall your best vacation vs recall an embarrassing moment …

• 2 Corinthians 2:10-11 “But one whom you forgive anything, I forgive also; for indeed what I have forgiven, if I have forgiven anything, I did it for your sakes in the presence of Christ, so that no advantage would be taken of us by Satan, for we are not ignorant of his schemes.” NASB

I Can’t/Have Difficulty Forgiving Others

• “I have not seen it modeled in my family or from others; I am not in a nurturing environment that fosters forgiveness”

• ex a macho environment, male environment, retaliatory environment …

• This is a great opportunity for a loving community

I Will Not Forgive

• “There are hidden ‘benefits’ of continuing to fuel anger:”• covers up the pain of being hurt and acknowledging my vulnerability

and shame• leverage to control and punish other people/make them feel

guilty/feel the burden of what they did• “a common reaction to feelings of powerlessness is to provide the

‘illusion of power’” (June Hunt p 55)

• We may be able to help someone see the benefits of reducing their anger

• Someone may have to bear the consequences of their anger before they are willing to change

I Will Not Forgive

• “I secretly identify with the role of victim”

• “Continuing to reveal the offender’s offenses can be a way to exalt myself in my role as martyr”

• “I depend on being a victim to get what I need from other people”:

• Sympathy

• Help

• Attention

I Will Not Forgive

• “I find it hard to feel anger/hatred for the offense because I feel guilty for feeling angry”

• “I’ve been taught I’m not suppose to be angry/entertain hatred”

• Consider that God hates sin and that we too are to hate sin, yet not the sinner.

• Proverbs 8:13 “To fear the LORD is to hate evil; I hate pride and arrogance, evil behavior and perverse speech.” NIV

• Ecclesiastes 3:1,8 “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: … a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.” NIV

I Will Not Forgive

• “I want to remain addicted to the use of other things that numb my pain from the offense: alcohol, drugs, gambling, pornography, …”

I Will Not Forgive

• “I don’t truly appreciate/understand/live in God’s forgiveness of us for a debt we can never repay”

• Parable of the unmerciful servant:

• Mt 18:32-33 “Then summoning him, his lord said to him, ‘You wicked slave, I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me.  Should you not also have had mercy on your fellow slave, in the same way that I had mercy on you?’ “ NIV

I Will Not Forgive

• “I tried that before and it didn’t do much for me”

• “I had a bad experience with it before”

• “The peaceful effect didn’t last”

• “I forgave before but I have been wronged again by this person, so I won’t forgive them again.”

• Mt 18:21-22 Jesus response to Peter: forgive “70 x 7”

• Lk 17:3-4 “Be on your guard! If your brother sins, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him.  And if he sins against you seven times a day, and returns to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ forgive him.” NASB

I Will Not Forgive

• “I don’t see the benefits of doing this”

• Managing anger: reduces effects of anger on my health

• Freedom from the past: help to move forward vs being stuck in the past

• Relationships: reduces motivations for revenge, can allow future relationships to be healthier; helps us not pass on dysfunctional patterns to our children

Forgiving Myself

• I am too broken

• I’m not worthy of forgiveness; I have low self esteem

• Since my sin is so great I don’t deserve to be set free

Forgiving Myself

• I fail to fully receive God’s forgiveness and Christ’s atonement

• I resist the grace to accept the free gift of God’s forgiveness and hang on to guilt

• I must punish myself

• I must earn procure forgiveness for myself/do penance

• “being unwilling to forgive what God has forgiven is discrediting God’s gift of mercy toward you”

• It is placing yourself as a higher judge than God Himself. …Christ’s sacrifice on the cross must not be sufficient to cleanse me of my sins. Something else must be done to make up for what is lacking in Jesus’ sacrifice.’

• 1 Jn 1:9 “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. “ NIV

Forgiving Myself

• I am too self absorbed• I am preoccupied with myself: personal desires and concerns. • (speculation): those who find it difficult to forgive themselves tend

toward being ruminative, introspective, more narcissistic, perfectionism.

• Phil 2:3-4  ”Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.” NIV (need to get over myself in order to be more outwardly focused.)

• Consider these dispositions as part of the gift of the Body of Christ for those who are not reflective enough

Forgiving Myself

• “I can’t allow myself to make mistakes”

• “My standard is that making mistakes is not OK/unforgiveable”

• “when I do make a mistake, it is unrecoverable” cf abstinence violation effect

• “I’m afraid that my mistake/sin has caused me to miss out on what might have been; my future cannot possibly turn out for good.” (RT Kendall, Total Forgiveness, p 143)

• “grit” : overcoming obstacles: need to fail to succeed

Forgiving Myself

• “I can forgive others but not myself”

• “I hold myself to unreasonably high standards”

• “I should have known better that my action/inaction would have caused harm” hindsight bias: cf survivor’s guilt

• Challenge cognitive distortion

Forgiving Myself

• “I have an inaccurate perspective of myself:”• I’m clinically depressed: thus see myself in an inaccurately

negative light • I am overcome by strong emotions: regret, grief, pain, loss

over what I have done

Work on the depressionConsider that I can have strong emotional reaction yet not be guilty

Receiving God’sForgiveness

Forgiving Offender

Asking Others to Forgive Me

Forgiving Myself

“Forgiving God”

Interactions of Forgiveness

Social Effects

References

• Augsburger, David. (1988). The freedom of forgiveness. (Revised and expanded edition). Chicago: Moody.

• Diel, Steve. Website: http://www.forgivenessministries.com/pdshop/shop/• Hunt, June. (2013). Forgiveness, the freedom to let go. Torrance: Aspire Press/Rose

Publishing. • Ingram, Chip. (2015). Overcoming emotions that destroy, how to be good and mad, part 1

and part 2. In Podcast from Living on the edge with Chip Ingram (5/3/15, 5/4/15).• Kendall, R.T.(2002). Total forgiveness. Lake Mary: Charisma House. • Kendall, R.T. (2013). How to forgive ourselves totally. Lake Mary: Charisma House.• Macarthur, John F. (1998). The freedom and power of forgiveness. Wheaton: Crossway Books.• McCullough, Michael E. and Witvliet, Charlotte vanOyen. (2001). The psychology of

forgiveness. In C. R. Snyder Erik, Shane J. Lopez (Eds.), Handbook of positive psychology. USA: Oxford University Press.

• Wente, Margaret. (10/9/12) Why kids need to fail to succeed in school. The Globe and Mail. http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/parenting/back-to-school/why-kids-need-to-fail-to-succeed-in-school/article4513436/?page=all