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CONVENTION NEWS

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‘HOW TO SAY MY LAST NAME’ CLINIC WITH DALE SVEUM

SOX-35th STOP CLOSED FOR 2012

EXCLUSIVE!!

Marmol signs little kid’s face, despite aiMing for His T-sHirTA fastball to the backstop, a slider in the dirt, a curveball in the middle of the batter’s back … it’s all in an inning’s work for Cubs closer Carlos Marmol. Despite having some of the nasti-est stuff in all of baseball, being able to harness those pitches has been a challenge for the erratic righty.

Apparently the control issues carry beyond the mound for Mar-mol as he has been missing his spots all off-season with the pen, often signing his autograph three to six feet beyond the in-tended target. When stopped for a signature outside the Hilton Chicago prior to the Cubs Convention, Marmol accidentally signed a kid’s face, despite aiming for his T-shirt.

“There’s nothing like the taste of a black Sharpie for break-fast,” said little Timmy Jepson, the victim of Marmol’s errant John Hancock. “But hopefully I can get a few extra bucks when I try to sell my autographed face on eBay.“

Others around the area have also felt the wrath, including a Streeterville woman who showed off a Carlos Marmol sig-nature on her upper left breast which she claimed to have re-ceived after presenting the wayward pitcher with a Cubs poster to sign.

When Travis Wood was traded from Cincin-nati to the Cubs for Sean Marshall, he expected to find an enthusiastic fan base in Chicago. One thing that caught him by surprise, however, was the extent of the personal support.

“I saw a ‘Wood’ jersey go by at the conven-tion and thought it might be personalized,” said Wood. “But then they started popping up everywhere. And signs, too. I haven’t seen so many double-entendres since grade school.”

As a mostly-unproven pitcher with a total of 11 wins in two seasons, Wood says that most of his career, jersey sales have been cousins and people who claim to have eaten at the Arby’s he worked at briefly in 2002.

“I’m touched by the support. Although don’t you think the jerseys are a little presumptuous, considering I haven’t been assigned a number yet and all these jerseys have 34 on them?” said Wood. “Strange fans here in Chicago.”

Travis Wood surprised To see so many fans aT CuBs ConvenTion already have his jersey

Closer’s laCk of Control again Costly

new Cubs pitcher can’t understand why fans assume he’ll be no. 34

HECKLEr EXCLUsiVE!

For the last 13 years, John Doyle, his brother Tim and their buddy Ray Clark have converged on the Chicago Hilton for the annual Cubs Con-vention. Their itinerary consists of: hawking for

autographs, buying some old Vinelines and hopefully “getting some,” but the main highlight for these guys is smoking outside the hotel.

“Yeah, it’s cool meeting Marcos Mateo and all, but the best is talking smack and smoking outside with my bros,” explained John Doyle. “We usually go in for about ten minutes and then go out for a smoke and usually it’s cold

as hell so it feels pretty good with all those sweaty dudes and smelly kids surrounding you.”

Back in 2001, Clark saw a girl in a Matt Stairs jersey and since then spends most of his time thinking he will run into her again.

“I know she comes here every year and figure she has to come through these doors. Three years ago I swear I saw her, but it ended up being a roomy guy, This is the year!”

The group has already figured they would go out for a

smoke during Dale Sveum’s press conference.

“We have our usual spot in front of the third planter so when Sveum is talking everyone is going to get really bored and head outside and try to take our spot,” ex-plained Tim Doyle.

Meanwhile, the Hilton has put into place a smoking ban within 200 feet of the doors this year. There is no word yet on whether the group knows about this.

Former Cubs GM Jim Hendry was con-spicuously seen at popular Cubs Con-vention hangout Kitty O’Sheas Satur-day afternoon, knocking back bottom

shelf gin, along with whatever else he could get his hands on.

Insisting that his presence at Kitty O’Sheas was purely coincidental, Hendry struggled to ex-plain that he was at the bar for other reasons entirely unrelated to the convention. Cubs fans weren’t buying it, however. North side native Jimmy O’Ranahan expressed his skepticism. “The food, service and ambiance of Kitty O’Sheas are pretty bad,” said O’Ranahan. “The only reason anybody goes there because it’s the closest place to get loaded at the convention.” Other fans like Aurora resident Max Isrenelli felt sympathy for the former Cubs exec. “It’s sad, like showing up uninvited at an el-ementary school your ex girlfriend works at to recite a love poem to her,” said Isrenelli. “A friend told me that happened to her and it didn’t go well.” Hendry reportedly left on his own accord, and was later seen walking down Michigan Avenue screaming “Jeff Samardzija will still be a star someday -- youuu watch!”

CUbs fan Can’T waiT To spEnd HaLf THE ConVEnTion oUTsidE HiLTon sMoKing CigarETTEs

HEndry insisTs HE ‘jUsT HappEnEd To bE’ drinKing aT KiTTy o’sHEas THis wEEKEnd New Cubs manager Dale Sveum

has already heard the catcalls from disgruntled fans, even though he hasn’t yet coached one game in a Cubs uniform. To get a jump on the hecklers at Wrig-ley Field, Sveum has filed papers to formally change his name to “Dale Sandberg.”

“You try ordering a coffee at Starbucks and hearing ‘It should have been Ryno’ from some jerk barista every damn time,” Sveum lamented. “By changing my name to Dale Sandberg, at the very least I might confuse the drunk fans at the ballpark.”

Sveum will even sport the retired #23 on his uniform this season, a move fully endorsed by Cubs management.

“It is important to get all of our fans behind Dale,” said Cubs

President Theo Epstein. “Let’s face it, some of our fans aren’t too bright and/or dangerously intoxicated. And those fans are already doubly peeved because of the whole rebuilding thing. So when the Sandberg #23 jersey pops out of the dugout to make a pitching change and the inebri-ated crowd goes wild, everybody wins.”

Sveum changeS LaST name To Sandberg To appeaSe hoSTILe fanS

Theo Epstein has cleaned house a bit, but he didn’t sign Albert Pujols or Prince Fielder or find a taker for Alfonso Soriano yet.

Epstein said that these failed objectives were weighing on his mind on the eve of his first Cubs Convention.

However, in an expression of gratitude towards all the fans who warmly wel-comed him in October, Epstein has amaz-ingly pulled a rabbit app out of his Smart-phone. He says that he has signed Prince Fielder. No one can believe it. “It’s true,” Epstein said. “Thank you,

Cubs fans. I love you back. We have ac-quired Prince Fielder and he will appear at the Convention.” Naturally, Cubs fans are thrilled by the news even though the fine print of Field-er’s contract states the deal is only for two-and-a-half days, after which Fielder will again become a free agent. “Prince Fielder’s market value is around $27 million per year,” Epstein said. “That kind of spending is not part of our culture anymore. The best we can do is pay him $500,000 for a weekend.”

Epstein said that Fielder will replace the cow standing outside Kitty O’Sheas and wave to fans as they enter and exit the cozy bar located in the southeast corner of the hotel. Fans attending the conven-tion said that their priority is to have a good time and they don’t care what hap-pens to the Cubs after their Convention. “I’m usually drunk at the Cubs Conven-tion and fall off the cow,” Cubs fan Ol-ivia Grange said. Grange said she has fallen off the cow every year since 2004. “Prince Fielder won‘t let me fall off him because he’s a real prince and a good fielder!”

CUbs sign fiELdEr To rEpLaCE Cow sTanding oUTsidE KiTTy o’sHEastheo paying free agent 1B $500,000 to spend the weekend greeting fans

Steven Vernon of Danville, Iowa, says has been wanting “forever” to go to the Cubs Conven-tion, but never felt it was safe enough for him to park in the “Big City.” This year, however,

he thought he’d give it a try. Vernon parked his 1998 red Geo Storm in a packed lot across Michigan Avenue for a $23 special event charge and went off to the convention, taking one last glance at his car as he walked into the Hilton. After waiting in line for ex-Cub Chico Walker’s au-tograph for about 10 minutes, Vernon became para-noid and walked to the lot to see how his car was doing. “My car was fine but Chicago is kinda ghetto, no of-fense, so I had to make sure I had my door locked

and The Club was in place on my steering wheel and my alarm was working,” he said. “Everything was cool so I went back in.” After spending nearly 15 minutes sifting through old baseball cards in search of a Ran-dy Myers rookie, Vernon broke into a sweat when he heard sirens outside the Hilton. “I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. My car had to be on fire, so I had to leave and check on her.” The firetrucks darted down Michigan Av-enue and were nowhere near the parking lot. “I ended up missing the Theo Epstein press confer-ence and didn’t get one autograph, no cards or even a pin. This city is just too dangerous to me so I had to

leave,” said Vernon. “I’ll just order some stuff from eBay and tell everyone I got it at the convention.”

Iowa man SpendS enTIre convenTIon worrIed If car IS Safe In ThaT LoT acroSS STreeT from hILTon

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With the Cubs hoarding most of the baseball headlines this offsea-son, it may be easy to

forget about the city’s other team on the South Side. For Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein, the actual existence of the Chicago White Sox was news to him. Epstein’s oversight may be forgiven this week, as he has been busy clean-ing house. First he shipped perennial headcase Carlos Zambrano to Miami and is now reportedly looking to move Alfonso Soriano as well. There is speculation that Epstein tried to get rid of all of Chicago’s albatross contracts, including Adam Dunn, Alex Rios, and Jake Peavy. “I had to say, ‘Whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you doing?’” said owner Tom Ricketts. “I explained to him that those guys play for the Sox. Theo didn’t believe me.”

“I thought he was pulling my leg,” said Epstein. “Where I came from, there was only one Sox team. The Red Sox.” It had to be explained to Epstein that the White Sox are actually the more accomplished of the two Chicago teams in recent years, having won the World Series in 2005, breaking an 88-year drought. “Sorry buddy. Check your facts. The Sox won the Series in ’04, and it wasn’t an 88-year curse, it was an 86-year curse. And then they won it again in ’07,” Epstein said. After a reporter showed Epstein a newspaper clipping of the White Sox winning the World Series, Epstein re-sponded, “Huh. Who knew there was another ball club in Chicago, let alone another Sox team? I just assumed that it was only the Cubs since that’s all anyone ever talks about around here.”

Hey, you. Dude at the end of the bar. I’ve seen you look over here a couple of times. I know what you’re thinking: That guy looks familiar. Is that the famous Cubs reliever just a few feet away from me? No, it can’t be.

Yeah, it’s me. And I know you’re probably feeling nervous about approaching a big time athlete and asking for his autograph. But you don’t have to worry about it. I’d be happy to. Look, I get it all the time: “Wow, is it really you? Can you sign this ball, hat, cocktail napkin, whatever?” Sure, no problem. Whatever you’ve got. What can I say? I’m just a generous guy with a soft spot for the fans, and a Sharpie pen in his shirt pocket. You know, I ... wait, what? You thought I was Jeff Samardzija? Man, get the hell away from me. Hold on, come back! I’m sorry about flying off the handle like that. I’ll give you that au-tograph. Yeah, no problem … do you know how to spell “Samardzija”?

The white sox are apparently still basEd in CHiCago

would you likemy autograph?

by James russell

u.S. cellular field adds controversial 2nd runway

CELEBRITY COLUMN!

Ben Roethlisberger’s season is over, and according to the star QB, his fun is about to begin. Roethlisberger in-formed the press Sunday that his offseason goal is to pack on more pounds, but not in the way most play-ers will.

“No, I’m not going to work out at all,” Big Ben said. “I plan on eating, sleeping, and eating. No ‘assaulting,’ no motorcycle riding, just eating ’til my last name looks smaller on my jersey.”

roeThLISberger vowS To geT even faTTer In offSeaSon

Blackhawks tough guy Daniel Carcillo is about to take an indeterminate vacation from the game of hockey, thanks to his rough play. With his new radio show al-ready a success, “Carbomb” has decided to fill his time with another, more literary, endeavor.

“I’ve been reading since I was at least 15,” said Carcillo. “There’s nothing I enjoy more than taking my teeth out and curling up with one of the classics. And then disput-ing it.”

The Bomb Squad’s list begins like any other monthly book club’s might: with Jack Kerouac’s popular tale of travel On the Road. That tome is followed by M. Scott

Peck’s beloved self-help book The Road Less Traveled. And from there, the list only develops more character.

“What do you learn from Catcher in the Rye? People are jerks. What do you learn from 1001 Super-Dirty Insults? How to deal with it,” said Carcillo. “That’s what my list is all about. Answering questions the Carbomb way.”

Perhaps unsurprisingly, the club is having no trouble re-cruiting members, including other athletes.

“There is no question that can’t be answered by reading a good book,” said Andrew Shaw, both the newest Black-hawk and book club member. “Or knocking out a tooth.”

carcILLo uSeS newfound free TIme To STarT book cLub

Following the White Sox poor campaign on the field last season, capped with the departure of manager Ozzie Guillen, the team is tweaking its promotional theme for 2012.

The Sox marketing department, which brought you gems like the Grinderball Rules (e.g., No. 96: Expect the unexpected at U.S. Cellular Field, home of the White Sox), is offering a new spin on the 2011 slogan, “All in.”

In 2012, the Sox will rally around “Folding is sometimes a respectable play.”

“We wanted to make sure we weren’t raising people’s expectations too much, so we changed the tagline,” said Martin Rollins, the team’s head of marketing. “Think about it: If you’re holding a pair of deuces — or, let’s say, Adam Dunn and Alex Rios — you’d have to be crazier than Robin ‘Mojo Rising’ Ventura to go all in. Sometimes, it’s better to just say, ‘I got nothin.’”

According to Rollins, the Sox marketing team batted around a few other ideas, including “There’s always the year after next” and “Still more fun than watching the Chicago Sky,” before settling on the folding slogan for this year.

2012 whITe Sox repLace ‘aLL In’ SLogan wITh ‘foLdIng IS SomeTImeS a reSpecTabLe pLay’

Don’t look now, but Bears head coach Lovie Smith has taken a page from Blackhawks coach Joel Quenn-eville’s book and is now sporting fa-cial hair.

“Right now, we’re in the first quarter of growing a mustache,” said Smith. “There’s still a long way to go, but we feel that it’s a promising start and someday I’ll look just like Coach Q. People love him! Why not me?”

“Perhaps a full beard will be here in due time, but for now, we like our mustache. We feel very comfort-able with our mustache. We believe

that our mustache gives us the best chance to win in 2012,” Smith said.

LovIe growS ’STache To fInaLLy endear hImSeLf To chIcago fanS

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2012 Cubs Convention

unoffiCial sChedule

chug-chug: InacTIon The Life & Times of The heckler’s mascot by paul c.

friday“The danger of ivy-Covered Walls” presented by alfonso soriano

“Bill Buckner fielding Clinic”

“What is there to do in Cincinnati?” with sean marshall (via skype)

“how To pronounce my name” hosted by dale sveum

pat hughes photo Gallery: The art of The Cosby sweater

“Who Wants to eat a Bison dog?” with Tom ricketts

“What’s the Quick-est Way out of Kitty o’sheas?” by Theo epstein when surrounded by a bunch of fans

saTurday“no i’m not Wearing These sunglasses due to a hangover” with darwin Barney

“pictures of Things i’ve Crashed Through” by Tony Campana

“What exactly is extradition?” by starlin Castro

“Turning hustle into $1 million a year” with reed johnson

“advanced statistics & hair Gel usage” a seminar with Theo epstein and jed hoyer

sunday

“letting fans down easy” by Geo soto

“Blending in at work” with jeff Baker and Blake deWitt

“What’s the fastest Way to the airport?” featuring all current and former Cubs at Convention