the emotional cost of bankruptcy _ not alone _ michael d russo

Pg. 1 – The Emotional Cost of Bankruptcy (NOT ALONE Exerpt) © Michael D Russo

The Emotional Cost of Bankruptcy

By Michael D. Russo

I had always had an interest in building my own

business. Not just any old corner store but a big

enterprise. From the age of fourteen I had a desire to

work for myself. My father set me up with some lawn

mowing equipment and I knocked doors after school and

on the weekends to earn money. This was my first

business. I continued to learn, read and discover as much

about this capitalistic society as I could and I couldn’t get

enough of it.

Fast forward a few years and I was married young, nineteen, and we had our first child a little over a

year later. So now I still had all the desire in the world but with the responsibilities and family commitments

of an older individual. I worked some more, learned some more, tried my hand at a lot of different things and

finally after twelve years, I built my first million dollar business at the age of 26.

I began in real estate developing a multi-million dollar portfolio in only a few short years. I then

expanded into retail developing a chain of stores. The plan was to develop our small chain into a national

franchise and in the process of attempting this we grew too fast, ran out of working capital and ended up

homeless and eventually bankrupt to the tune of $3.5 million. At the time I was supporting my wife and two

young children and the experience changed us for life.

It would be nice to say that there were mitigating factors to my collapse, and there were, but the truth

of the matter was I made most of the mistakes new entrepreneurs make and had to take full responsibility for

my own actions.

None of which prepared me for the emotional cost of my failure.

During this period of time in our lives I ended up sued, assaulted, given death threats, accused of fraud,

defamed, homeless (twice) and eventually bankrupt. For a year I suffered nightmares of murder and suicide

and at times was physically unable to move for weeks on end. I remember one time my sister and brother in

law had called by to see how I was and I remember crawling from under the bed (because I couldn't get onto


the bed) to the front door to open up for them. My muscles were locked from the tension and stress and I

couldn't find any way to relax them.

I know that during this time my youngest sister was married but despite being in attendance (and

many years since now looking at the photos of the happy day) I have no recollection of actually being there.

No matter how hard I have tried I cannot remember more than a few fleeting images of the day. In contrast

to my other siblings who were married several years before (my bankruptcy) which I remember quite clearly

like any other special occasion.

One of the biggest challenges I had to deal with was coming to the realization that many of my family

and friends (most of whom should have known better) suddenly became my enemies and in some cases led

the charge against me. When I was doing well everyone was happy to be associated with me but when I fell I

quickly found out just how many people I could count on. There weren't many.

My relationship with my wife and children (especially my wife) became strained and although I am

happy to stay we are still married and came through it together we have been scarred for life as a result. The

arguments, confusion, lack of stability, the walk outs and the lack of direction for our children are still all too

vivid.

One of my investors decided that, losing money in business, constitutes fraud and I arrived home one

day to find 8 armed members of the fraud investigation squad with a warrant for search and seizure for my

business documents. I found myself on my own couch answering questions about drug connections, guns, ties

to terrorist organizations and links to child pornography rings. I'll never forget the 'baby face' cop who was

questioning me and thinking just how far from base he really was (as was the investor who felt such action

was a reflection of my true character).

Twelve months later (the same twelve months that I suffered severe nightmares) all investigations

were dropped, my files returned and no charges were ever laid. However, to this day I cannot look at a cop in

uniform without feelings of injustice, anger and now have very little respect for their authority. Once the

worst of it was over then the re-building process had to begin.

I'm not referring to the 'empire' I'm referring to the self-confidence, the self-image, the ability to let go

and move forward, the talking voice in the back of my head that to this day still chatters away every time I try

to do something out of the box.

For the three years after this I found every venture or project I involved myself in on behalf of

someone else went very well but I couldn't make anything work well for myself. All my own projects never


made it off the ground. I even put together a national welcome campaign for Oprah Winfrey's visit to

Australia in 2010 on behalf of a client and it worked beautifully getting mainstream media coverage and

reaching an audience of over 1 million people. Yet I was unable to earn any substantial income in the years

following the bankruptcy.

We lived on income below the national poverty line and were continually moved from house to house

because I couldn’t manage to pay the rent. I went from owning over a dozen properties worth millions to

being unable to pay the rent.

This slowly got better and I managed with counseling, patience and time to drag myself out of

depression (which I would define as a long period of time being unable to help one’s self). I still had many

days after this when I would get so depressed (short periods of deep loss) that I would simply shut down to

those around me. I would simply be there in body but not spirit. Going through the motions I think they call

it. Not a lot of fun.

One of the activities I found that helped a lot was writing. I just began to write about my experiences

and my lessons learned. It was very therapeutic for me as I was able to look upon those experiences from the

point of view of a third party. It helped me get through.

As an entrepreneur you often hear the phrase that 'failure is a part of success'. Unfortunately when

you're in the middle of a major financial meltdown saying 'failure is a part of success' doesn’t really help much.

It's doesn't bring back the money or assets, it doesn't restore hope or confidence in one’s self or others and it

doesn't put food on the table. So even though I knew this statement was true it just made me mad. In fact I

spent almost all of this time mad! I yelled and snapped at anyone and everyone and lost a lot of faith in

people much of which has still yet to be restored.

One of the most common questions I get in radio interviews or by other entrepreneurs is how I

managed to get through this time intact. My answer is always the same. I don’t really know. Most days I got

up hoping this day would be better than the last (usually it wasn’t) and just wanted to make it to the end

without killing myself or someone else.

I’m not sure what got me through some times. I was focused on the future being better. If I could live

long enough and jump higher enough, all of the obstacles would give way, and I could show my wife, children,

friends, family and myself that what I was trying to achieve was possible.

Many times I also felt the divine hand of God guiding and protecting me. I guess I still had work to do.


I’ve heard of some people going through similar events and bouncing right back. Getting back on the

horse, I think they call it. My experience was not like that. Despite my desire to still fight I now realize that

the ‘loss’ and subsequent ‘grieving’ period as I refer to it was necessary. It was part of the healing process.

Depression is real but it also manifests itself in different ways for different people. Some have a much

better handle of life’s challenges than others. Finding a way to cope is also an individual thing.

I was fortunate enough to not to have to resort to drugs. Counseling, prayer and support from a

handful of loved ones got me through. It would be a lie to say it didn’t change my outlook on life though. I’m

far less likely to jump into the middle of things like I used to. I lost much of my spontaneity and self-

confidence and I’m not sure that’s always for the better.

Our experiences are supposed to make use grow; mine have made me that much more cautions. Still,

it’s all part of life’s adventure. I’m really looking forward to surpassing my former status soon and sharing that

joy with my family who supported me through this period of my life. I know one thing for sure, without my

wife and children, I wouldn’t be here today!

Michael D Russo

Help For Entrepreneurs

michaeldrusso.com

[email protected]

_ _ _

About This Excerpt

This excerpt is from a book called ‘Not Alone – Stories Of Living With Depression’ edited by Alise Wright and

published by Civitas Press 2011. I was privileged to be asked to be a contributing author on this project and

share my experiences about depression.

the emotional cost of bankruptcy _ not alone _ michael d russo

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