On Mental Health Awareness Day, how can we improve communication with others to change challenging conversations into those that enhance our mental wellbeing?

I recently supported someone undergoing an acrimonious divorce. She was telling me about the vicious discussions with her ex. This got me thinking about the Drama Triangle (Karpman, 1968). Once I explained to her how the model worked, she transformed such communication with her ex-partner; she stopped herself from being sucked into his ‘game’ of destructive communication and converted it into a productive discussion.

What is the Drama Triangle? This powerful model is still new to many: it graphically displays the roles of ‘victim’, ‘rescuer’ and ‘persecutor’ to which individuals can unconsciously revert when they want to make someone else responsible for how they feel. It is more likely to prolong disharmony than to end it.

Dr Lizzy Bernthal, DeltaV Leadership and Resilience Specialist

The Drama Triangle Explained: Each point on the triangle represents the role of ‘victim’, ‘rescuer’ or ‘persecutor’. If we are not careful in our communication, one of these common and ineffective responses to conflict can occur in any conversation and situation as a strategy to manage our fear and anxiety. The below descriptions are the most extreme versions of these three roles, but we can often encounter milder versions in ourselves as we switch between roles depending on the conversation and with whom we are communicating.

Victim

Rescuer

Persecutor

Victims are convinced that they are not able to take care of

themselves, believing that they are frail, powerless or defective

and needing rescuing. They have difficulty making decisions,

solving problems or understanding their self-perpetuating behaviour.

Rescuers are co-dependent, overly protective “fixers” who take care of others to feel good about themselves, while neglecting their own needs rather than supporting others to be independent. They

are frequently overworked, tired, caught in a martyr style resentment.

Persecutors overcome feelings of helplessness and shame by over-powering others through

bullying, preaching, threatening, blaming, lecturing, interrogating, and outright attack. They do not take responsibility for the way

they hurt others as in their mind, others deserve what they get.

Why play the Drama Triangle? 2 or more ‘players’ are often too scared to ask for what they want directly so they move around this triangle playing different roles. For example, the victim hooks others in to manipulate them to give them what they want without being explicit and may switch roles to do so.

Persecutor Rescuer

Victim

How can we step out of the Drama Triangle? By stepping out of regressive victim, rescuer or persecutor roles we break the drama triangle and so catalyse others to shift also. We can consciously decide to join the Winners' Triangle (Choy, 1990) in which roles change from victim to vulnerable creator, rescuer to assertive challenger and persecutor to assertive challenger. We then acknowledge other-peoples' ability and worth:

Victim

Vulnerable Creator

Rescuer

Resourceful Caring Coach

Persecutor

Assertive Challenger

Vulnerable Creators ask for what they need honestly and directly.

They make themselves clear, instead of hoping others will

guess what they are asking for.

Resourceful Caring Coaches help others to empower the

individual, rather than themselves. They coach without expectations

of reciprocation.

Assertive Challengers make it what needs to happen very clear, and challenge without

blame, aggression or punishment

: Drama Triangle Boss: You’re late and always late on Monday and I’m sick of it! (persecutor) Employee: I’m really sorry, I forgot to set my alarm. it won’t happen again(victim). Let me make you a cup of tea as I can see that you are under immense pressure to react like that (rescuer).

Winners’ Triangle Boss: I notice that you arrive a little late on a Monday, is there a problem? (assertive challenger). Employee: Yes, apologies, I should have informed you before that there is no breakfast club at my son’s school on a Monday (vulnerable creator). You have reminded me to ask my mother if she can take him instead (assertive challenger).

Assertive Challenger

Resourceful Caring Coach

Vulnerable Creator

Think how you can transform your conversations from drama to winner in the future! The following example shows how easily this transformation can be made:

Take-Away Thoughts: Þ What is the one conversation you need to have today that you have been avoiding? Þ Have a go at moving from victim (blaming others for not reading your mind that you need this conversation) – “Why do I always have to take the bins out?”) to being Vulnerable Creator and voicing your needs in an assertive way - “I’d be grateful if you could empty the dishwasher while I take the bins out”. Þ If you feel like rescuing someone to help them, you could ask questions to empower them to work it out for themselves instead. Þ Think about the Drama Triangle as you have conversations today - how you can change your words and behaviour to cultivate healthier conversation, you will be amazed at the result!