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SAMPLER

FANTASY

5#

“Warp speed satire” – Wired.com

“It’s seriously funny.” – The Escapist

“Devastator is poised to start picking up the slack left by the decline of magazines like Mad, Cracked or even Lampoon, with a

smart mix of humorous prose and comics.” – Jeffrey Brown, author of Clumsy and Cats Are Weird

GEOFFREY GOLDEN - Editor-in-Chief

AMANDA MEADOWS - Managing Editor

RUSSELL LEE - Design Director

Contributing Editors:

PATRICK BAKERJOHN F. FORD

MICKI GROVERASTERIOS KOKKINOS

LESLEY TSINA

LYNNE DONAHUE - Photo Editor

LEE KEELER - Assistant Editor

REUBEN SAUNDERS - Associate Editor

Copyright © 2012 The Devastator and its Contributors.

Cover Art by Dan Hipp

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. No part of this work can be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means without the permission of the copyright owner, unless such copying is permitted by federal copyright law.

First Edition: May 2012

ISBN-13: 978-0-9845838-4-3 ISBN-10: 0-9845838-4-X devastatorquarterly.com

PRINTED IN DINOTOPIA KOREA

The Devastator is a book of satire. All names and characters who appear in this book are fictional and satirical representations. Any similarities between Devastator creations and living persons are purely coincidental. Also, don’t sue us. We have no money!

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Map of the Fantasy Author’s Home by Kevin Pedersen, art by Reid Psaltis

The Raw Spiel with the Editors

Magic: Without a Gathering by Alexander Barrett

Stat Attack! The Relative Hotness of Fantasy Races by Lesley Tsina

Rat Knights of Rat’s Hollow by John Ford, art by Nate Pride

Game of Phones by Jared Hedges

How it Feels to Be a 30-Year-Old Geek by Zach Weiner

Fill-In Fantasy by Asterios Kokkinos, art by Ajay Karat

The Roast of Thulsa Doom by Scott Gross

The New Narnia Chronicles by Lynne Donahue, art by Elan’ Trinidad

Harry Potter and the Itchy Nipple Syndrome by Matt Taylor

Legend of the Myth of the Lore by Micki Grover, photo by Patrick Baker

Ringcycling by Geoffrey Golden, art by Erin Nagy

Adopt-an-Abomination by Amanda Meadows, art by Tony Millionaire

Harlem Renaissance Faire by Patrick Baker

The Real Last Unicorn by Marly Halpern-Graser, art by Jojo Ramos

Surreal Estate by Josie Campbell, art by Dane Ault

Bogs of Ba’Ghohrr by Scott Gairdner

Who’s With Me? by Greg Schmidt, art by Jimmy Hasse

Contributors

Slaytex by Lee Keeler, art by Grace Anderson

Sponsored: The Magnificent Milam of Lar!

by Plastic Lamellar and Editors, art by Scott Gross

Wizards of C*ckblock Forest

by Geoffrey Golden, edited by Asterios Kokkinos, cover by Marc J. Palm

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geoffrey@devastatorquarterly.comtwitter.com/getdevastatedfacebook.com/getdevastated

THE RAW SPIELwith the editors

Geoffrey GoldenEditor-in-Chief

Allakazooks, Devastators and Devastatrixes! It’s your favorite mercurial magician of comedy magazines here — Geoffrey Golden, Editor-in-Chief! In this issue, we cast a powerful spell on you! No need to panic, it’s not a fire spell! My arson days are over, but I’ll always have wonderful memories of that “fiery” time in my life! Never mind, I used my photo albums as kindling to set a tapas restaurant ablaze for the insurance money!!!

We hope you’ve broken in your questing boots, because your magnificent Managing Editor, Amanda Meadows, and I are proud to set you off on the expedition of ecstasy we call our Fantasy issue! On your journey, you’ll discover the legendary Tony Millionaire, courageous cartoonists Zach Weiner and Dan Hipp, and Master of Riddles Scott Gairdner! Your questing party includes the delightful D-Team Writers and Artists, equipped with terrific tales of RPG clichés (“Fill-In Fantasy” by Asterios Kokkinos, illustrated by Ajay Karat), literary nepotism (“The New Narnia Chronicles” by Lynn Donahue, illustrated by Elan’ Trinidad) and ratastrophe (“Rat Knights of Rat’s Hollow” by John Ford, illustrated by Nate Pride)!

We would like to take this opportunity to thank one of our generous sponsors, Plastic Lamellar, for working with us on a comic titled, “Milam of Lar!” Their wares are perfect for medieval LARPers! I’d visit the park and give a demo, but LARPers — equipped with latex swords and foam throwing knives — apparently don’t want to hang out with a guy who carries three real guns on his person at all times!

So I like to bring a gun to a plastic knife fight, what’s the big deal?!?

Hail Devastator,

Today’s hottest fantasy author is George R. R. Martin, writer of the book series A Song of Ice and Fire. Today’s hottest gadgets are smartphones. “Perhaps there’s money to be made combining the two,” the Devastator editors wondered aloud.

“Yeah hi, it’s Tyrion, please accept, a Lannister always pays his debt—”The imp’s words were cut short. “If you’d like to accept the call, please press one…”The bastard Jon Snow sighed and deleted the voicemail. He had missed the

collect call thanks to his worthless coverage.Jon’s fingers were frozen. He had climbed atop the 700-foot Wall in desperate

search for more bars. His poxy bitch of an iPhone 4S never had bars. In beauty, it had no rival. Its carapace was as black and reflective as dragonglass, encircled by an elegant strip of metallic silver. It had not one, but two cameras, and a flash bright enough to shame the sun. It was true what men said: None could forge a phone like the Great Slavepits of the East.

Yet when choosing a plan, Jon had opted for ATT&T because it was cheaper, and most of House Stark had ATT&T, too. It had seemed the sensible choice.

“Siri, where can I get better reception,” John growled into his iPhone. “Let me think about that...” Siri responded, before chiding, “You know nothing,

Jon Snow.”Jon grimaced, striding down the Wall. He needed those bloody bars like a boil

needed a leechman. If Jon couldn’t call King’s Landing and demand more men to strengthen the Watch, all of Westeros would be lost. Winter was coming, and so were the Others.

Still no bars. Jon’s phone was officially roaming. Aimlessly roaming. Just like everyone else in the Seven Kingdoms.

Uuuuuuuuuuuuuhoooooooooo.Jon’s eyes widened. It was unmistakably a ring, yet his iPhone had not stirred.

Was it his second phone, the Blackberry Curve 8530, paid for by the Night’s Watch, which was of little and less use because it had even shittier coverage from MetroPCS? Jon reached into his cloak pocket, even as he knew it was not the Blackberry Curve, with its distinctively rounded edges and full QWERTY keyboard. For the Blackberry Curve was set to vibrate…

Uuuuuuuuuuuuuhooooooooooooo.Seven Hells! The sound was coming from behind him! It was his third phone,

the fabled Phone of Winter, the Motorola DynaTAC 8000X, captured from the King-Beyond-The-Wall. Jon had left it charging at the Wall’s sole outlet, one

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hundred steps away, because its gigantic brick battery only lasted one hour, then had to be recharged for ten. How could this be? It hadn’t rung in 8,000 years!

Uuuuuuuuuuuuhooooooooooooooooo.“Gods be damned!” Jon Snow cursed as he ran. Not NOW! I’m too far away!Suddenly Jon’s smallclothes were wet from urine, and his cock, which had still

been half-strong from shamefully remembering the bare breast of a milkmaid in Mole Town, was now flaccid with dread.

Jon ran with all his strength toward the Phone of Winter. Its battlehorn cry filled the air, now louder and longer. Jon should have known immediately it was the ancient phone. No one uses monophonic ringtones anymore.

Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuhooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.Jon reached the head-sized behemoth upon its fourth ring. He snatched it up

and feverishly depressed the “On” button. Surely there would still be a voice on the other side. Surely four rings would not be enough. Surely there would be many and more.

“Hello? Hello?!”But the line was dead. The only sound was the cold wind of winter.

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