the daily button collection

COLLECTION

THE DAILY BUTTONWEDNESDAY APRIL 15, 2015

Price: reddit goldIssue 3

R/THEBUTTON NEWS FOR GREYS AND PRESSERS ALL THE BUTTON NEWS FIT TO PRINT

Purples who regret pressing The Button are flocking to online auction house eBay to bid on pristine unpressed redditor accounts. A search for reddit button account will result in over a dozen active listings for Grey accounts. Prices range from $4.99 (USD) for a Reddit account with no button pressed to $100 (USD) for a Reddit account with no button press. Most listings offer a Buy It Now price so that desperate Purples can turn back time with a quick visit to their PayPal account.

Reactions to the capitalist endeavor of some redditors is mixed.

u / D u s t y _ o l _ C l a p Tr a p

commented, I sure as hell hope not... This is getting out of control. However, I will be taking offers on mine.

u/NuttyGrowl added, I read a couple of hours ago about someone regretting selling one of those accounts, so yes.

One Purple, u/EdHochuli gleefully announced that they had sold multiple accounts. Ive sold 5 accounts for 0.2 BTC each. Have 65

more too, he added. Purples arent the only people

purchasing virgin accounts. Those new to reddit, or who have lurked for a while without setting up an account have opened their wallets to get in on the fun.

u/DunnoHowToMath admitted that they purchased an account costing $4.25.

I always assumed I had a reddit account, the redditor - who still

By F. Satellite

DATELINE EBAY

Would YOU Pay to be Grey?

Take our Daily Poll at our new website:

DailyButtonNews.com

We offer a free email subscription service!

A search on eBay reveals an array of Grey virgin accounts for sale to Pressers and Not Able To Pressers.

Buy Back Your Button Virginity at eBay

remains Grey - explained. I found out I was mistaken. A few days ago, I resolved to do whatever it took to be a part of The Button. I bit 1 cent on an eBay auction for this account. The bidding reached $4.25 before I won. I think I got a great deal though I understand some might think Im living up to the accounts name.

Grey accounts arent the only Button offerings on eBay. One Purple listed a 59s account with a starting bid of $420.69 (USD), including $153.46 in shipping fees. The auction ended with no bidders.

One auction offers the chance to pay a redditor up to $500 to press The Button. The listing states, A personalized video of me clicking the button will be provided. All proceeds will go towards a school exam and of course beer money. Any takers?

By F. Satellite

DATELINE REDDIT - While America sleeps, the Greens and Yellows come out to play! u/d1onys1an posted a scatter chart of overnight Button presses. The statistics reveal what every non-American already knows: Yanks are a pushy people. As the Grey math genius explains, The direction is toward zero, and that aint changing. But the movement towards that direction goes in two directions: more so and less so. [...] The arc of the button is long, but it

bends toward zero. He ended his thesis with a pithy remark: More excessive purpling would just piss me off. Australian u/sumaj009 defended his countrys honor by explaining, In our defense, you could almost fit the population of Australia in NY state. And yet were not letting the button die! Think of us as not performing poorly, but rather as a tiny country doing a fucking huge effort to keep the button alive as you guys nap!

Patriotic Purples?

Review: The Picture of Dorian Gray

PAGE 2

MButton Fedora Bashes Daily Button in Karma

49ers Upset the Meaning of Life 42s in Thumb Wrestling

PAGE 2

The Purple wonder raced up r/buttons front page, besting our fair paper by a two-to-one Karma count. We now understand that we need more fedora up in this joint!

It has come to our attention that despite the looming IRS deadline, American subscribers to r/thebutton have been delaying what needs to be done. Greys, Purples, Blues, Greens, and Yellows - along with unpressable Whites - are keeping glassy eyes focused on the timer instead of gathering W-2s and hitting the 1040. Deadline for filing is via electronic form or postal stamp by midnight tonight! There is no Button in prison, and if you are incarcerated as a Purple, may God have mercy on your soul!

PSA: Stop pressing and do your taxes!

By F. SatelliteDATELINE REDDIT

The largest Religion of the Button, The Knights of the Button, has parishioners devoted to keeping The Button alive. Knight u/alonghardlook posted a pledge that illustrates the Knights noble quest:

All is well within the ShadeAnd in the Shade, I shall remainVigilant, until the dayThe Buttons life requires my name

Team 60s consists of members that have pressed at exactly 60 seconds. As u/SupaBloo tells a 57s flaired Purple, It is true that the 60 means salvation above all others, but the number you were given was for a reason, and denying it doesnt make it go away. NoTap, a Greycentric religion devoted to not pressing The Button, recently announced a truce with the Knights of the Button. Both orders agreed to disagree. Grey order Followers of the Shade discussed the unholy temptation of unlocking - but not actually pressing - The Button. u/questionmonger admonished those monks who desired to flirt with the lock: Your faith should be pure. Your desire to unlock the button shows your temptation and subconscious desire to click. Take some time to meditate and self-reflect.

Religion RoundupWhere to WorshipScandal: Grey for Pay

{ Ive sold 5 accounts for 0.2 BTC each.- u/EdHochuli

THE DAILY BUTTONTHURSDAY APRIL 16, 2015

Price: reddit goldIssue 4

WWW.DAILYBUTTONNEWS.COM NEWS FOR GREYS AND PRESSERS R/THEBUTTON

Get To Orange Movement Gets to... Yellow

REVIEW: The Grey Starring Liam NeesonThe ultimate Grey survival drama featuring snarling grey wolves, a grey landscape, and the determination to NOT PRESS!

Im questioning what the purpose of the button is. I suspect that the reddit admins are conducting some kind of science experiment but I have no way to prove it. What if they are watching how interacting with the button changes our reddit habits outside of the button subs? Im also questioning whether I am truly a grey. I kind of want to get a red flair as I am a natural ginger. I just dont want anyone to think Im that superficial. I have to stop thinking about the button. Its making me think about subbing to r/conspiracy.

. . . and every f la i r on this subredddit, no matter which colour, will be changed to Rick Astleys face.

- u/Kassettenkind78

I heard those that remain true will receive 13 virgin reddit accounts.

-u/BiggJim

Dude,Unsub from /r/thebuttonDelete your accountFormat your hard driveThrow your computer in the dumpsterSet dumpster on fireYou have failed.

u/killswithspoon

Of course the reds are going to be assholes, reds will be former greys. Character traits dont change.

u/Noble_Flatulence

Editorial

By F. Satellite

DATELINE REDDIT

...CRICKETS

By An Anonymous Grey

High Quality Content Hits r/thebutton

Sh*t r/thebutton Says

u/Switchsquatch counteracted with a roll of the eyes: Ok but Im still not gunna click the button.

Meanwhile, Purples banded together and worked on driving confused and ignorant redditors to the subreddit to press. Some Greys joined the campaign, eager to don the fast-fingered flair.

At the midnight deadline, no Orange had yet appeared. The philosophical implications of the movement and The Button itself were discussed in both Grey and Purple threads.

u/TKDRSWED ruefully posted: Thats exactly whats going to happen. Eventually, anyone will be able to wander in and get 00s red flair. And all the people who worked so hard to get their orange and red flairs will just blend in with all the people who didnt pay any attention at all. This is an April Fools joke. Its a really long one, but make no mistakes about it. The whole

reason the button exists is to make us feel like idiots.

Despite the failure to reach the Orange goal, the movement did succeed in changing the color landscape.

/u/Limp_Hispanic_Theif (flairless) provided a series of charts as the evening progressed, showing a rise in Greens and Yellows relative to similar times the prior evenings. [See Inset.]

Is The Button just a Fools Paradise, or it is a true - if kinda weird - path to enlightenment? Stay tuned!

{ Ok but Im still not gunna click the button.- u/Switchsquatch

By F. Satellite

DATELINE REDDIT

Despite a couple of newly pressed Yellows birthing at 26s, the Get To Orange movement ended with a whimper thanks to the Purple Power drive. The games began at 8 pm EST last evening and ran until Midnight EST. The four passion-filled hours provided the thrill of victory and

the agaony of defeat for pressers and non-pressers alike.

Greys with hopes of Orange in their heart resisted the temptation to press with the hope of getting the timer to fall below 21 seconds.

u/Not_very_lnteresting put into words the surge of growing excitement with a hearty war cry, A grey battle is upon us. Greys and colors committed to the mission with exhortations to draw swords together.

Art of the DaySkewed vision // landscape startled - by flairy gun

From the artist: This piece of art is an attempt to capture the pain and joy that The Button enholds, as we all experience it.

Submitted by u/Derpiderp

Hollywood Presses The Button

Want to share your editorial with The Daily Button readers? PM u/friskeysatellite with your shower thoughts!

THE DAILY BUTTONFRIDAY APRIL 17, 2015

Price: 0.02 BTCIssue 5


The Knights of the Button have taken a solemn oath to never let The Buttons timer reach zero, and they are rounding a troop of zombies to make sure their goals are met! Troops consist of pressers and non-pressers alike - anyone who wishes an eternal life for reddits enigmatic April Fools gift. The Knights have an active presence on the main sub and at r/knightsofthebutton.

Knight u/turtlesoup23 spoke to The Daily Button and explained the allure of an everlasting Button.

The button, for as much as people call it a holy being, is simply a digital button in my eyes, he explained. Were keeping it alive because we know that if the button falls, the amazing community falls along with it. This has been such an amazing experience for all of us, and we dont want it to end anytime soon. I dont honestly care what happens when it hits zero, but I never want to see it. We arent going to let it hit zero.

Battalion members do not necessarily desire to obtain a Purple flair. Since the number of reddit accounts eligible to press The Button has dwindled, the longer the timer can run before another reset means that green and yellow flairs best help the effort.

u/turtlesoup23 says that the Knights encourage new members:

Yes, indeed we are really looking for new recruits! Any new troops would gladly be accepted, but the best kind of knight is one motivated not by personal gain, but by the desire to keep the community afloat.

The Knights announced Project Zombie today. The project does not require an active and sentient presser or non-presser to participate. It asks zombies - inactive, untethered - but eligible - reddit account - to press at the perfect moment.

As creator /u/kindlyappreciated (flairless) explains,

Project Zombie is a server at an undisclosed location (cannot be DDoSed or compromised unless I am compromised) that has a reliably good connection to reddit (much smaller chance of delay problem). It manages a horde of zombies that will click one at a time when timer reaches 1 second (meaning we either ran out of knights or there was a sequence of assassins who failed to click and are already banned at this point). This would provide us with a reliable safeguard and would enable us to remove redundant arming from Squire to achieve new degrees of efficiency. This would also allow us to use recent findings to drastically improve non-critical (>5 sec)

autoclicking efficiency.In other words, when The Button

reaches a critical low-second point, zombie accounts are standing by to keep The Button alive. The Knights script will allow donated accounts to press at a given moment in order to continue the life of The Button.

u/turtlesoup23 explains, Project zombie is the masterplan. Ive wanted something like this to

be created since day one, but in the early days people rejected it. Time gets the best of us all however, and now that it seems the end is near, the people are ready for zombie. The squire team is amazing and keep uping themselves, all credit goes to them, they rock! Finally, yes, I truly do think it will work. I think we can get out of April if we truly apply ourselves.

By F. Satellite

DATELINE REDDIT - The Knights of the Button create a zombie apocalypse to ensure the path of the holy object.

The Greens Plan a Subreddit Smoke Out on 4/20. r/trees members are encouraged to Go Green on Monday!

PAGE 16

Willie Nelson Admits Hes Texas GreyFamous country star records an acoustic version of his Grammy winning song, Mammas Dont Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Pressers

Secret Society r/theillemonati - a invitee-only haven for Yellows - has allegedly waged a holy war on the Purples according to r/buttonnews. As the cabalistic private sub notes state: The Illemonati is a secret society for those who have separated themselves from the masses and gained the coveted yellow flair of The Button. Are Yellows waging war on Purples? If you are In The Know and wish your story heard, contact the Editor of The Daily Button, u/friskysatellite, with your scoop!

Rumor Has It...

By F. Satellite

DATELINE REDDIT

Redditors expressed dismay after sitewide outages played games with The Button timer. The newly-pressed took to the subreddit to ask if their activity was counted at the appropriate time. As u/jmerc83 asked, Did someone just try to kill the button with DoSs? r/thebutton subscribers seem to be confused as to whether the timer continues in reddit downtime, or whether it ceases as it waits for freedom. u/Koonga asks, Does the countdown timer continue if the site goes down? I assumed it would freeze in that event. We suspect that reddit admins are standing by, behind the scenes, giggling as they start and stop the timer at will. An anonymous source told us that usernames beginning with letters A- L have been specifically targeted for this kind of confusion. A call to Edward Snowden and Julian Assange has confimed our suspicians. By the way, both whistleblowers have remained Grey to this day.

Reddit Server Capacity Messes With Button Countdown

9gag Confuses Button With Arts & Crafts Camp

The Knights of the Button Plan For Their Own Zombie Apocalypse

9gag users think that the film Intersteller will give them insight into the mysterious enigma

that is The Button.

By F. Satellite

DATELINE 9GAG.COM

reddit rival site 9gag.com discusses The Button in a thread about the spacesuits worn in the film, Interstellar.

9gag users seem to misunderstand T h e Bu t t o n a n d i t s d e e p philosophical import.

9gag user echechechech says, Captain here. OP is referencing color theory in film, a process by

which people, places and things are color coded based on the tone of the scene they are in. Mann is the only person in this film with a dark orange highlight to his suit. In color theory, Dark Orange is representative of deceit or distrust.

As all pressers and non-pressers understand, the color Orange has not yet been revealed by The Buttons mysterious ways. Assigning a flavor to Orange - like sherbet - lessens the hypothetical ramifications and consequences

when the first Orange appears.Another 9gager, aranafco1,

suggests, Google TheButton, it is a social experiment where people who have pressed the button have colors attached to them depending on the time they clicked, everyone wants to be red because it is the last color but people have waited 17 days and it is only at yellow. This guy is a coward because he got desperate and went for orange, the very last color before red.

Artifical Intelligence researchers think that The Button might be passing the Turing Test. Parapsychologists hypothesize that The Button may be the result of collective consciousness effects. Skeptic James Randi says, no, and will pay $1 million to anyone who can prove it.

THE DAILY BUTTONSATURDAY, APRIL 18, 2015

Price: One HugIssue 6


Chaos hit The Button when reddits services belched, birthing what some are saying is the Pressiah. The wild ride began yesterday afternoon during US daytime hours. Outages resulting in 503 error messages lasted between 10 and 15 minutes, allowing pressers to grab a surprising 23s - skipping 24s altogether - Yellow flair.

Hours later, during the early hours, an outage of a more mysterious kind affected The Button. The countdown timers numbers were replaced by four question marks.

Even though The But ton appeared to be offline, Greys were able to click, and the tally of total pressers increased one by one. Most posters to the subreddit believed that The Buttons run had ended with a countdown to zero. Some claimed to see the final 3... 2... 1 before being replaced with the confusing punctuation marks. A gnashing of teeth was heard throughout all of reddit as pressers and non-pressers wailed at The Buttons death.

A flush of new blue 42s appeared on the subreddit, and one lone cheater - u/GyroDawn - flaired

Purple at 38s. Button mod u/powerlanguage posted a thread explaining that The Button had not ended but had experienced a technical difficulty. About 15 minutes later, The Buttons timer reappeared!

A few minutes la ter, /u /GyroDawn - who had complained in the Admin thread about his cheater flair - refreshed his page to see that his flair was now Red 8s. And the crowd went wild!

Cr ie s ha i l ing the newly annointed Red Messiah echoed throughout the community. u/GyroDawn posted two threads - one called Praise Me where he reveled in his newfound fame, assuming that the mods would change his flair back to another number and color. In his second thread, Me to the Mods, he asked to be removed as the only Red.

u/RememberYourSoul summed up what most in the community seemed to be feeling:

You must accept this. Although some see you as a false prophet my friend. You did save the button. That can definitely be said and for that, I thank you. You was the first of the reds. The reminder of the battle to come.

By F. Satellite and u/stopspewingshit

DATELINE REDDIT

Is our first Red the Pressiah? Vote in our Daily Poll at:www.dailybuttonnews.com

A glitch in The Buttons hitch reveals the first of the Red Guard.

Hail the Pressiah

By Bobby Grey

Now, I know Im going through a messy divorce in the media, but never you mind that. Lets concentrate on whats most important: Grey Foods!

Were going to make Earl Grey Truffle Chocolates.

These fantastic treats are designed to look like truffles - the dimpled fungus that grows in the dirt around the base of trees. Virgin pigs are used to snort for the real deal, but virgin or not (and lets be real, this is reddit, youre all virgins) you will enjoy these delicious and rich

treats.

INGREDIENTS:2/3 cup heavy cream2 tablespoons unsalted butter, cut into

4 pieces and softened2 teaspoons loose Earl Grey tea leaves6 oz fine-quality bittersweet chocolate

(not unsweetened), chopped1 cup unsweetened Dutch-process

cocoa powder

Bring cream and butter to a boil in a small heavy saucepan and stir in tea leaves. Remove from heat and let steep 5 minutes.

Meanwhile, finely grind chocolate in a food processor and transfer to a bowl. Pour cream through a fine-mesh sieve onto chocolate, pressing on and discarding tea leaves, then whisk until smooth. Chill ganache, covered, until firm, about 2 hours.

Spoon level teaspoons of ganache onto a baking sheet. Put cocoa in a bowl, then dust your palms lightly with it. Roll each piece of ganache into a ball (wash your hands and redust as they become sticky). Drop several balls at a time into bowl of cocoa and turn to coat. Transfer as coated to an airtight

container, separating layers with wax paper.

Enjoy these with a nice Scotch while you watch those pressers go to town.

Throwdown! Celebrity Chef Bobby Grey

NASA Announces Alien Life!

Ask A YellowIntroducing a new advice column from the middle of the pack!

Send in your questions to:editor@dailybuttonnews.

SPORTSThe Purples face the Greens in tonights Light Saber fencing competition.

Grey aliens visiting Earth are discovered to be abducting people to keep them from pressing.

By F. Satellite

DATELINE REDDIT -

One of The Button communitys code experts discovered that any wannabe presser can get the flair he or she desires by following an easy method using the Chrome browser. u/timhuge posted his discovery while he was still a non-presser. After detailing his instructions, he accepted a challenge to demonstrate his finding by using his still-unused press. He predicted that he would obtain a Yellow 29s. A minute later, his flair matched his prophecy. The method has been documented and verified by trusted coders. To get the flair you deserve, simply:

Using the desktop version of Google Chrome:

From the Chrome menu, select More tools > Developer tools

Select the Network tab Reload r/thebutton and you

will see a list appear Click on the list item named

thebutton?h=... In the new section that pops

up, select the Frames tab

You should now see a scrolling list of messages the reddit server is sending to the button timer. When you press the button, your browser returns the most recent of these messages back to the reddit server. That returned message determines your flair. Simply wait until you see the time you want (e.g. seconds_left: 22.0) and then click the button. You have a full second to click, so theres no need to try to time it exactly. Youll see that the messages arrive regularly at intervals of slightly over a second. /u/Glorious_Debauchery used the method to obtain an Orange 21s. Multiple other accounts were flaired using the easy steps. u/Cavs032 expressed a view held by many in The Shade: Dont press at all and you will have the best flair. u/timhuge received three reddit guildings for his incredible discovery at the time of this publication.

Your Desired Flair:Guaranteed!

THE DAILY BUTTONSUNDAY, APRIL 19, 2015

Price: 25 M&MsIssue 7


SUNDAY EDITION

In a brash show of Purple support, u/xNotch posted on a thread discussing the Reddit Plays The Button live stream on Twitch:

Yeah, and we clicked the button! Ill click all the buttons, all the time!

The game creator is showing a new attitude since tweeting Im filled with regret ten days ago after first obtaining his 60s flair.

u/bearhands2000 posted a retort:

Figures. if this guy had any self

control, minecraft wouldnt belong to microsoft.

In true r/thebutton fashion, the thread then devolved into a discussion on Notchs famed candy room. u/xNotch offered some deep thoughts on his situation:

I recently realized its going to go bad. Nobody eats that much candy, and its quite a lot of candy. Do I replace it all every once in a while? How long does candy last?

I didnt understand how big of a responsibility it was.

By F. Satellite

Beloved Mindcraft Creator Tells You To Press, Press, Press, Press Purple. Yes. YOU.

Wal-Marts recent mysterious closing of five stores NOT a plumbing issue according to the NYT. Workers were glued to their smart phones instead of restocking shelves. What were they doing? Pressing The Button.

PAGE 17

REVIEW:A CLOCKWORK ORANGEA cult classic! Newly pressed Oranges go on a button-pushing spree until their leader is juiced.

By F. Satellite

DATELINE REDDIT

As The Button inches toward redempt ion or destruction - depending on your Buttoncentric religious viewpoint - both Greys and pressers watch the timer, watch and wait, wonder, hold breath, cry, yell, praise. You name it, it happens on the subreddit. The past weekend saw the controversial birth of the first Red, as well as the creation of the first cascade of Oranges. Thank the Pressiah we have a Bot to show us the latest numbers in the sure event we blink, need to pee, or run to the fridge for a snack! Created by early presser u/Chr12t0pher - who happens to be 16 years old and surely brilliant and definitely shouldnt be reading such as adult publication as The Daily Button - the helpful Bot posts an update to our favorite sub when The Button reaches a new low. Chris useful new creation, u/buttonstatsbot, posts when exciting new time limits are reached. The script records the clicks per second happening around the event, the flairs awarded, and the lowest time reached. You may find the Bots latest and greatest Button press stats at button.cstevens.me or you may wait for the next low point at r/thebutton.

Whats the Frequency, Kenneth?Button Facts & Figures

Button Out(r)age : Conspiracy Theories!

Notch the Purple

By F. Satellite

DATELINE REDDIT

Conspiracy theorists are alive and well at r/thebutton! After the weekends surprising events, some Button watchers posted their finest tinfoil hat thoughts at the fast-moving subreddit.

u/strong_nuklear offered an interesting twist on the anointing of the first Red:

I think Reddit screwed with the Button on purpose to advance this little sociology experiment to some new phase. We now have a single red. Its all just a little too neat and tidy.

u / c o r i n t h i a n _ l l a m a enigmatically answered, We are now in the Aftertimer. The machine stopped.

A Blue who wishes to remain anonymous spoke with The Daily Button, sharing his chilling theory

on the outage.The Button outage was a false

flag. Look at what was going down on reddit when The Button went down. Someone posted an iAMA request for Gordon Ramsey. All of a sudden, BOOM, Ramsey is talking with Victoria and answering questions. Coincidence? I think not. Has anyone ever actually met Victoria? If you look into it, you will find that shes psyops.

International tensions flared after reports Putin was readying nukes aimed at the US. Sources say the Russian President was told by the KGB that Obama was considering pressing the button. The White House refused to comment on the situation, citing national security.

CORRECTION Epicon3 corrected The Daily Button regar-ding our article, Hail the Pressiah, in yester-days edition: I was there.. His flair was always a 8s. Once se-cond it was an 8s purple, the next it was an 8s red. Never once was it lis-ted as 38s. One person commented that it was a 38s cheater flair, and from there people started a telephone game of 38s this, and 38s that.

Grey Book Club Meets This Week The Grey Book Club invites all new and old r/thebutton subscribers to this weeks book discussion, How To Keep People From Pushing Your Buttons by Albert Ellis. This book is a Grey classic and is sure to help those attempting to resist temptation. Dont let others tell you what or when to press!

2 3R/THEBUTTON THE DAILY BUTTONTUESDAY APRIL 14, 2015THE DAILY BUTTONSUNDAY APRIL 19, 2015 WWW.DAILYBUTTONNEWS.COM

This is a terrifying place. - u/enemycoke

Art and the SwordPUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

The Knights of the Button have announced the first in a weekly series of art contests.

According to an announcement posted in the Knights Of The Button subreddit by Mod u/wicro :

I am proud to announce the first ever weekly Knights of the Button art

contest. Please create any button inspired or Knights of the Button artwork, like a video, gif, song, propaganda poster, drawing, sculpture, or whatever have you!

This contest will run until 4/21, when a winner will be announced. The winner will get special flair for winning the contest, and get to pick a theme for the next weeks contest.

This thread is in contest mode, and it

does not matter how many upvotes you have, all entries will be judged regardless. Please submit your entry as a reply to this post. It can be any artistic medium you wish, just upload your picture and share it as a comment on here.

Good luck, and long live the button!

Interested parties may check out the sticky thread at r/Knightsofthebutton.

A good Friday night ends Monday morning.

- u/Micosilver

/u/rram : zzz hhhhhelloooooo?/u/powerlanguage : LE BOUTON/u/rram : [sigh] Ill be right there[falls out of bed]/u/rram : that looks right that looks right oh for fucks sake![hits my big red button]/u/rram : its fixedeveryone: yay /u/rram you are our saviour!/u/rram : zzzzzzzz zzzzzzzz zzzz

- u/rram

Seriously. Im a 36 year old, mid level corporate manager, father of two with a $450k mortgage. I am completely wrapped up in the button and how this whole thing is going to play out.

- u/dudelurkslike_a_lady

Red or dead, my friend.

- u/FunkOff

Why do you shame your herita-ge? There have been many great 23s. I even assert that humanity is where it is today only because of our great people. Dont let those dirty greys convince you otherwise. Youre beautiful, you hear me?

- u/The_Sodomeister

im getting really tired of this crap.

who are you to tell the rest of us what the button does? who asked you to decide when the button is right, and when it is wrong?

the button spoke. the button chose. he was given red. no-one asked you.

has this become a religion where some people think theyre important enough that its their job to tell others to ignore what the button does?

- andrewcooke

EditorialBy F. Satellite

arts & entertainment

CROSSWORD

Across3. You only get one4. End of game?7. Council of the Greens8. Colorful circle9. Our obsession10. They wake up, the world turns Purple12. Hasnt yet pressed13. Accounts 4/1 and later14. Meaning of Life flair16. Home of The Button17. Malware King

Down1. First Red2. Button Savior5. Grey moderator6. Quick Draw McGraw10. Button birthday11. We were warned not to post this type of content15. They guard against zero

Button Comics:

OVERHEARD

THE DAILY BUTTONMONDAY, APRIL 20, 2015

Price: 1/8 of your finestIssue 8


S c i e n t i s t s a t D u k e Universitys world famous Parapsychology Department have made an incredible discovery regarding The Button.Dr. Rick Palmer sat down

with this reporter to discuss his research.

TDB: Dr. Palmer, you have been studying The Button. What have you found?

RP: We began by looking at the numbers of presses per minute - much like most of the persons following The Button on reddit. But then we noticed what we at first thought was a coincidence. During certain times of the day, when the presses were mostly Purple, spikes in paranormal activity was observed.

TDB: What kinds of activity?

RP: Ghost ly s ight ings, UFO landings, and - most surprising of all - moments of Republicans and Democrats getting along in Congress. Like I said, we first thought this was

an anomaly, but after looking at all of the data and doing a statistical analysis, I can say with some certainty that this is no coincidence.

TDB: What do you think is causing these activities?

RP: When The Button is pressed over and over by unthinking people who come across it for the first time, their lack of a critical thinking state is allowing them to connect with the universal ether we like to call it. Their minds then invite these things to happen.

TDB: Do you think this is a good thing or could it have negative implications?

RP: Im beginning to think that The Button is becoming a living entity, frankly. Once it reaches that level, we may see world-wide paranormal activity. Im more worried about the Creationists than I am about a sentient Button, to be frank.

By F. Satellite

DATELINE REDDIT

The Button is as mesmerizing as anything on the planet, scientists say.

Researchers reveal The Button is creating a mass consciousness effect.

By F. Satellite DATELINE REDDIT

After the weekend glitch that temporarily brought down The Button and resulted in the first Red flair, another strange occurence hit the subreddit this morning. New pressers found that regardless of when they pushed The Button, they were awarded with a Blue 42s flair.

I swear I pressed at 58s, griped one presser. I really wanted a Purple flair.

Another newly ordained Blue 42s blamed the situation on the date.

Hey, man, its 4/20. Im just gonna light up a bowl and enjoy the ride. I was going for a Yellow, he added, but this is the meaning of life, right? Cant complain. 10/10. 11/10 with rice.

Administrators swore that there was no glitch and The Button was functioning as normal. However, rumor has it that they were seen racing out to Taco Bell for a bag of Double Decker Taco Supremes and a vat of Mountain Dew.

I think we can do the math.

Another Button Glitch Smokes Out Flairs

SNOOP PREPARES TO PRESS

GO GREENTHE BUTTON goes WILD for GREENon 4/20!

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SPORTSTonights Button Ultimate Frisbee Championship game will be televised on ESPN

The recording artist and cannabis expert vows to use six fingers at once on his press. PAGE 8

By F. Satellite

DATELINE REDDIT -

The Greens are celebrating 4/20 in style at r/thebutton. New Greens are joining the Emerald Council in huge numbers, excited to get their Ent-like flair on the most holy of Green days. Heres a selection of comments from todays new and old Greens:

Today is a glorious day.

- u/PineAppleEx420

This is the most tempted Ive been so far to press. I feel like Im torn between my people, the ents, and my new family of the Shade...

Edit: No regrets.

- u/thats_ridiculous

Welcome to the family ent

- u/Captn_Nem

Ive finally joined you my 4/20 brothers

- u/zKokiri

fuck all the colors. green is love green is life. gonna try to go for it but im so nervous :0

- u/dordor24

I cant smoke the green because Im in the middle of a job search, but at least I pressed green today :)

- u/easy_bake_coven

Same here!!!!! Yeah Green!!!!! Green Ranger for life!

- u/TheHottuB

Shower Thoughtsat r/thebutton

THE DAILY BUTTONWEDNESDAY, APRIL 22, 2015

Price: FREE!!!!!!!!Issue 9


The Button birthed the first Orange just a few days ago, and already scores have chosen to press the color of Floridas finest fruit. The Orange Revolution started before the first lucky Grey captured 21s. Buttoniers determined to wear the Orange flair quietly started to organize at the subreddit r/orangerevolution over 16 days ago - less than five days after The Button began - when most pressers were Purple.

Orange Revolut ion moderator u / L e i g h _ Wr i g h t ( w h o s t i l l mysteriously remains Grey at the time of this publication) has written what the Oranges call a Manifest-O for the newly juiced, and invites all interested parties to consider taking on an Orange flair:

Orange is a state of mind! We have a Manifest-O which explores some aspects of the Orange state of mind.

We are exploring what it means to live with zest - as is appropriate for our fruit.

We love everything about the Buttonworld and all the crazy wonderful communities that have sprung up around it, and we hope these communities will continue to thrive long after the Zero-point phenomenon - which is whatever happens when the timer reaches zero.

As for our relationship with the other colours: we are completely open to experiential relationships between all colours and creeds.

Life is for living, and every colour of The Button is brimming with vibrant possibility. We encourage exploration between subreddit communities and

encourage zesty creative expression.Creativity is the zest of life!We have diplomatic relationships

with some of the other Button Factions, and our domain will always welcome travellers of every colour and creed.

We are wary of the coming Red Apocalypse, for it will be a chaotic time. Not because of any choice that a presser or non-presser might make, though, but because as we reach the zero-point phenomenon there may be outside attempts to disrupt the Buttonworld. We might also have disillusionment and conflict within the Buttonworld.

We of the Orange chose to remain zesty whatever happens, because Orange is a state of mind!

As the timer inches toward zero - 14s was achieved earlier today - Oranges are inviting the unpressed to give it a go:

We who waited must serve as the vanguard against the bloody Reds, who will bring nothing but destruction in their wake. We will be the final line of defense in this civilization that has emerged. - /u/tessaract50

With the avalanche of newly minted Oranges filling the subreddit, the line between pressers and non-pressers is becoming more and more slim. Some Greys are waiting for the perfect moment to turn Orange. As one still-Grey member of the Orange Revolution, u/ DokerinZion explains,

Im only here for the 13.

By F. SatelliteDATELINE REDDIT

Blue Button treats have been recalled due to an outbreak of Hysteria as The Button has reached new number lows.

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REVIEW: The hunT for red ocTobuTTonSean Connery commands the Red Octobutton in this spy thriller. Will the subbutton continue to slip under the radar? Or are the Americans about to be nuked out of their Purple stupor?

By u/95wave

Church of Gray Archbishop u/95wave issued these harsh remarks recently as to the nature of the colored button pressers: The purples are nothing but scum, whose inability to have even the slightest bit of restraint has been their downfall. They will suffer when the Holy Pressiah comes to collect the grays from this mortal sub, and deliver them to the Promised Land! Do not be tempted by the Emerald Council, for they use the dank plant to lure in the unworthy and are easily bought off. The Yellows with their clubs of wealth are base heathens, unable to give up their worldly desires to bask in the buttons greatness. The Blues are hardly better than the Purples, perhaps they contain a lower amount of heresy inside of them, but that does not mean they are not completely condemned to suffer in button hell, they have chosen their fate! These colored heathens will suffer a horrible fate for their lack of control! Eternal torment in button hell, being poked and pressed until their skin falls off! Their minds will be destroyed by the touch of evil, their bodies trapped by the button lock! These words have sparked outrage from the Emerald Council, their official statement, We are simply the dank followers of the button we dont know what youre going on about. You need to chill out, brah. Have been met by resounding critism from the Church of Gray, whose spokesperson had this to say We are fully supportive of Archbishop 95wave and his speech, he has the bravery to say things how they are, which is something a lot of grays could take inspiration from. The colored heathens are now irredeemable, but those grays who may be tempted can still be saved, and his words are a guiding light for them. Whether these increased tensions will result in an all-out war between the Church of Gray, Gold Street Yellows, the Emerald Council, and even the Blue Brigade, are yet to be seen. The Gold Street Collation and the Blue Brigade have not issued statements on this matter. The Oranges do not have a group formed yet, and thus they are unable to form an opinion on this matter.

Church of Grey Sermon Sparks Colorful Comments

Letters to the Editor

Oranges Organize!

Dear Daily Button, Im terrified of The Button

ending. Were getting so close. Whats going to happen to everyone when it ends? I love The Button and its become a real part of my life. I eat dinner watching it. I even bought a second screen for my computer so that I could have Netflix going on one side and The Button on the other. Honestly, Kimmy Schmitt is funny but The Button sub is funniest.

I hope that Reddit isnt going to let The Button die.

Sincerely,Keep It Alive, Please

Dear Daily Button, I am appalled at your obvious

pro-grey position on just about everything. Yes, it is true that everyone was once a grey but that doesnt mean you can just say that greys are better because they are too scared to push a button. I think

that Blues are the best because they arent so proud of themselves.

Sincerely,A Blue 42s

Dear Daily Button, Where are the coupons? Also,

this paper needs more Garfield and less words.

Ktbanxbai,Bored of The Daily Button

S C I E N T I S T C L A I M S B U T TO N WATC H I N G CAUSES MASSIVE GLOBAL WARMINGThe heat produced by increased heart rates and trigger-happy fingers has raised the temperature of the planet by nearly a full degree, Dr. Cecil Watkins announced at a White House Summit on Climate Change.

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Artwork by u/Goombac

u/Johndar_3050 found The Button in REAL LIFE!

the daily button collection

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