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Inter-country adoption & the collective wisdom of Australia fathers

The Curry Club

i

Introduction

This book is dedicated to my father who filled our home with the books that began my own quest for wisdom.

Thanks Dad, this is all your fault!

The opinions expressed in this compendium are not necessarily those of the compiler.

All of the quotations received from Australian adoptive fathers have been published in full and without

alteration. They were solicited on the explicit understanding that the authors would remain anonymous.

Compiled by Nigel Holden

Grand Poo-Bah

The Curry Club

Playing Catch and Sword Fighting with my Dad whilst wearing my favourite Spiderman Shoes! Kieran (Aged 5) With a little help from Dad!

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Acknowledgements

”I feel a very unusual sensation - if it is not indigestion, I think it must be gratitude.” Benjamin Disraeli.

This compendium would have been impossible to compile without the contributions of prospective and adoptive fathers across Australia. The largely anonymous advice they provided is at the heart of this book and it is what makes it so unique. However adoptive fathers were not the only people to contribute.

Throughout the book you will find the words and drawings of inter-country adoptees. These are a constant reminder of the joys and challenges of fatherhood and the impact, both positive and negative, that a father has over the well being of his children.

This book also includes the thoughts of one birth father and his words provide an illuminating insight into a rarely discussed and often misunderstood world.

Finally the Curry Club would like to acknowledge the talent and generosity of Kaylee Maitland of Lavaworks, who designed and formatted this on-line publication.

It must be noted that none of these people were paid for their advice, opinions or talent. They provided their input for no other reason than to help others. For this reason we salute their generosity and community spirit.

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Preface

The Quest for Wisdom & a Bloody Good Curry!

The Curry Club began in Adelaide, South Australia in 2008 to provide a network for prospective and adoptive fathers of children born overseas. Why curry? Well in the course of researching adoptive fatherhood and inter-country adoption, the Curry Club’s founding father discovered two amazing facts.

• Firstly,thatcurry(oratleastspicyfood)ispartofthecuisineofalmostall of the countries from which Australian’s adopt; and

• Secondly,thatmostAussieblokesjustloveagoodcurry!

It was with such thorough and scientific research that the Curry Club was born. Within days of its launch the Curry Club was attracting the attention of men across Australia. Where workshops and seminars had failed – the power of curry had proved triumphant!

At the Curry Club members are invited to cook curries or other spicy dishes from the birth country of their adopted child(ren), before meeting to share them with other fathers and prospective fathers. In this way they can explore culture, inter-country adoption, and fatherhood all whilst enjoying a bloody good feed. Who said that men can’t multi-task?

The Curry Club also raises money through its events and activities and the proceeds go to Oxfam Australia in their efforts to assist those in less advantaged countries. Many of these countries are where our adopted children were born. As fathers we sincerely hope that our small efforts will help to alleviate some of the poverty that impacts on families and children around the world.

If you don’t have a curry club in your location why not start one? It’s an easy and great way to network, learn from others, help others and enjoy some great food.

I sincerely hope that you enjoy reading this compendium and I wish you well on your own quest for wisdom and a bloody good curry!

Nigel HoldenGrand Poo-Bah of The Curry Club

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Contents

Page

Acknowledgements. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ii

Preface . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . iii

Fatherhood. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .1

Fatherhood Defined. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .2

Pearls of Fatherly Wisdom . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .3

Coping with the Wait . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .5

The Trouble & The Strife . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .6

Getting Your Licence to Parent . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .7

Becoming a Father - Allocation . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .9

Exploring Birth Countries . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .10

Culture Vultures . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .11

The Tough Questions. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .13

Ch..Ch..Ch..Ch..Changes. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .14

Fathers Who Lead. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .15

Understanding Birth Fathers . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .17

The Quest for a Bloody Good Curry . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .20

Chinese Five-Spice Pork Curry . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . China . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .21

Doro Wot – Ethiopian Chicken Stew . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ethiopia . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .22

Beef Vindaloo . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . India . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .23

Chicken Adobo . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Philippines . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .24

Coconut Pepper Beef Curry . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Sri Lanka . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .25

Kimchi Jjigae - Kimchi Stew . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . South Korea . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .26

Red Vegetable Curry . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Thailand . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .27

About the Honorary Grand Poo-Bah . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .28

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Fatherhood

“Fathers, like mothers, are not born. Men grow into fathers and fathering is a very important stage in their development.” Johann Schiller

The next time you log onto the Internet try a little experiment. Google the term “Adoptive Father” and see what the search comes up with. Chances are you won’t find much. Sadly pretty much the same applies for the term “Birth Father”. But try the same experiment with the terms “Adoptive Mother” or “Birth Mother” and the difference in outcome is astounding. One could conclude from this scientific experiment that blokes just don’t rate highly in the adoption agenda. And to be frank, if that is true it’s perfectly OK.

The Curry Club isn’t a radical or reactive men’s group seeking to challenge a perceived matriarchal adoption agenda. The role of a mother (birth or adopted) is one that we respect deeply. Besides, as fathers we are generally happy to take a back seat. We subscribe, albeit tongue in cheek, to the ancient wisdom that has been passed down by men for generations in memoriam:

“A happy wife leads to a happy life!”

Nevertheless it is important that men contribute to the inter-country adoption agenda. It is important because men add to the diversity of opinions. It is important because men have a vital role to play in the adoption process. And it is important because men have a critical role in parenting these children. Put simply, regardless of what “Google” may say:

Fathers are important!

The Curry Club Compendium contains the collective wisdom of Australian fathers and prospective fathers of children adopted from overseas. To our knowledge no other such volume currently exists. We trust that it will be of interest to its intended male audience. We suspect that it will be of interest to many of their wives. Finally we sincerely hope it will be of interest to social workers and psychologists working within the field.

Adoptive fathers have a lot to say, and believe it or not some of it even makes sense! So whether you read this on-line; in your shed; or sitting on the dunny; strap yourself in for a good read. Your quest for wisdom has begun!

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Fatherhood Defined

“Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.” Bill Cosby

When The Curry Club began the first challenge that faced its members in their quest for wisdom was to complete the sentence “Fatherhood is…” The definitions that resulted from this challenge demonstrate not only a great diversity of opinion, but also just how much fatherhood means to adoptive fathers and fathers-to-be.

• “Fatherhood is spending time with your children… fathers spend too much time at work.”

• “Fatherhoodisacceptingthatyoumayneverwatchafootymatchinpeaceagain!”

• “Fatherhoodisthepointinaman’slifewhenhecanonceagainplaywithcooltoys without being accused of being immature!”

• “FatherhoodisanhonourIthoughtI’dneverhave.”

• “Fatherhoodisaboutpretendingyoulikegoingtoyourdaughter’sfairyparties and then discovering that you actually do!”

• “Fatherhoodisaboutlovingsomeonemorethanlifeitself.”

• “Fatherhoodisgreat.”

• “Fatherhoodislifechanging.”

• “Fatherhoodisahugecommitment.Adoptivefatherhoodisanevenbiggercommitment. Whatever you do, make sure that you are really ready for it.”

An Inter-country Adoptee Speaks of her Father

“I love my father like no other man on the planet. He is the reason I hold my standards of men so high, and I want my first-born son to be named after him, because I want to make sure he is always linked to his grandfather, even if they don’t share the same blood. My mother is crazy, like all mothers are, and my father provides the calm balance of the parental unit. I am also my father’s favourite child (of 5, adopted and not), so we have an extra special relationship. I hope all fathers and daughters get to experience the joy of that relationship like we do. Even though we don’t see eye to eye on many, many subjects, our love always keeps us close.”

DJ Kim Chee Love, Korean Adoptee

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Pearls of Fatherly Wisdom

“It is a wise father that knows his own child.” William Shakespeare

The Curry Club is a quest for wisdom and this compendium is full of it. Wisdom that is! But what if you could only pass on a single pearl of wisdom to a prospective adoptive father? What sage advice would you choose? This was the challenge our members were posed and as usual their advice is priceless.

• “Standupforyourself,yourpartnerandyourfamilyduringtheadoptionprocess. A few adoption professionals will use their power to bully and intimidate. Be prepared to be strong and to confront such behaviour. Your dignity and self respect are important and they should never be sacrificed on your journey to fatherhood.”

• “Don’tdotheAussiemalething….Talktoblokesthathavebeentherebeforeyou, about: the workshops; the waiting to be allocated; the social workers; the waiting to travel; the bull*+#!; your life with kids; your wife has changed…”

• “GetyourpaperworkdoneASAPatallthedifferentstages.HaveitsignedbytheJP, have your bank statements ready, hand deliver it to the govt. office, do those 200 signatures tonight – do not put it off until next week. Every week that goes by is another week that you do not have your children..”

• “Keepaskingtheauthoritiesforanupdateonyourfiletokeepitmoving.Theyonly have a ‘perceived power’ over you and your wife. Ring them and then ring them again. You will think that you are too afraid to say or do anything that might be seen as aggressive because it will put a black mark against your name on your file – it’s just not true. Keep your paperwork moving through the system, otherwise it will get bogged down.”

• “Playtheir(theadoptionagency’s)game,tellthemwhattheywanttohear.”

• “Keepcopiesofeverything.”

• “Hanginthere….Nomatterhowharditgetswithdoingyourpaperwork,workshops, social worker visits, waiting for allocation or waiting to travel (these are the easy bits – not really, it’s bloody hard !!). Hang in there… When you get home with your child/children and they are having multiple hour long tantrums everyday for the next three months, your wife is stressed to the max, you do not have a single minute for yourself, you now eat cold meals, and never get to watch a full game of footy! Hang in there… because it is worth every sacrifice you have made when your child says “Hello Daddy” when you come home from work; or my favourite, when you have been out for the night and I get to carry them into home from the car when they are asleep and they just cuddle you so tight because you are the one they are depending on right then and for ever – can’t beat that moment! HANG IN THERE!”

• “Ihavefollowedthesamebasicparentingstrategywithmyadopteddaughterthat I previously used, apparently successfully, with my biological sons. It seems to be

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Pearls of Fatherly Wisdom (continued)

working.....Of course all teenagers are difficult. If they weren’t our job would be over, and they could leave home!”

• “Don’tbeapassivefollowerlikemanymenare.Thisjourneyisasmuchyoursasyour wives. Get involved in workshops, reading, and join support groups. You won’t regret it”.

• “WhenIwaswaitingtoadoptIvolunteeredtoplaySantaforaChristmasevent. It was the best thing I could have ever done and even though I wasn’t a father at the time it gave me a taste of what it would be like. It also made a lot of children smile. If you have the physique and you get the chance….do it! Failing that, at least go to some events and activities with adopted children. Remind yourself of why you are putting yourself through all of the bullshit!”

• “It’sworthallthecrap.Andthereisalotofcrap.Butitiswortheverybitofit!”

• “TheonepieceofadvicethatIwouldtellallprospectiveadoptivefathersis: Be patient with your kids and partner and yourself.”

• “Alwaysmaketimeforyourkids.Workcanwait.TheFootycanwait.Ican’tbelieve I just said that....but it’s true. Talk to your kids...but most of all listen to them. You might learn something!”

Advice from an Inter-Country Adoptee

“What I would like adoptive fathers to know is the importance of bonding with their adopted child. My father believed his role of father consisted only of being a provider. He never developed a real relationship with me. I think he took for granted since he adopted us and was our legal father that he would become my “father”. Maybe because it wasn’t a blood relationship, the role of father wasn’t a natural one that fell into place without work or attention.

I love my dad very much and appreciate the many opportunities I’ve had due to his hard work but we don’t really know each other. He has spent very little time with me over the course of my life.

So my “pearl of wisdom” for adoptive fathers is: not to take for granted the role of father. That is a relationship that will need to be built through time and attention. My mother worked hard to bond with us and spent countless hours with us. She is my mother in every way. I wish that was true of my dad because he’s a wonderful and admirable man but still a man whom I don’t know even after all these years (I’m age 31) and who especially doesn’t know the woman I’ve become.

Menoka Bernardo

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Coping With the Wait

“All things come to him who waits – provided he knows what he is waiting for.” Woodrow T. Wilson

One of the saddest realities of inter-country adoption is that the waiting period to adopt a child is unpredictable and often extremely long. It is not unusual for prospective parents to wait anywhere between 3-8 years to adopt. Many of these applicants have also endured years of unsuccessful IVF treatments in their quest to become parents. So “coping with the wait” is a very serious and emotional issue for a large percentage of waiting parents. Of course everyone will deal with this wait differently and there is no single secret for surviving it. However the thoughts of our members below may provide current waiting fathers with some guidance to consider as they wait to adopt.

• “Timegoesfasterifyouarebusy.Setyourgoals(financial,health,relationshipsetc) and develop a strategy for each. Then work towards achieving them. By the time you do, the adoption will be happening before you know it.”

• “Getfit.Youareunlikelytoadoptanew-bornchildandtrustme….toddlersarebloody heavy! So start working out and get yourself prepared for the many workouts to come once you are a dad.”

• “1-Keeptalkingtotheauthorities,insistthattheykeepyouuptodatewithany information, hassle them to keep your file moving, keep at the front of their mind (the squeaky wheel gets the oil!!) 2 - Take a holiday 3 - Have regular weekends away 4 - Go out to dinner and enjoy it”

• “Getinvolvedinthelocaladoptioncommunity.Joinasupportgroup.Yourchildwill eventually enter that community so don’t sit on your ass doing nothing. Get involved and do your bit. You can help to make the world a better place!”

• “Adoptingachildfromoverseascantakeyears.Icopedwiththiswaitbylooking foreword to the end result and not worrying too much about it and by prayer”

• “Bekindtoyourselfandtothoseyoulove.Recognisethestressthisgod-awfulprocess can create. Express it and share the burden with others - but don’t let it consume you.”

• “Don’tletitconsumeyouandyourpartner.Lookforsignsforstressandfatigue. Take time out. Take you mind off things. And seek help if you need it. It may be the last thing that a waiting parent needs to hear but when your child eventually arrives it will be worth all the pain.”

• “Patiencemaybeavirtuebutwaitingstillsucksthebigone!”

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The Trouble and The Strife

“The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.” Theodore M Hesburgh

However you look at it, inter-county adoption is an intrusive, time consuming and uncertain process. So not surprisingly there are times when prospective parents can find themselves highly stressed and emotional. This can test the best of relationships and it is vital that each partner supports the other. So how do Aussie husbands support their wives through the adoption process? This is what they had to say:

• “Beafriend.Removeherfromthewholeprocesseverynowandthenbytakingashort holiday. The wait is long but after you get your child it will be an even longer time before you will be a couple again.”

• “IsupportedmywifethroughtheadoptionprocessbybuyingherandafriendChinese cooking classes. Socialising with a friend got her out of the house and her mind off the wait, but she also learnt a useful skill and much about her future child’s birth culture. I also got some valuable time on my own and some great Chinese food for supper. Everyone was a winner! Badda-bing Badda-boom!”

• “Isupportedmywifethroughtheadoptionprocessbytakingallthetelephonecalls from the adoption agency. These calls had caused her a lot of distress. She was quite emotional at the best of times but the agency didn’t help the situation. I’m pretty sure that they didn’t like having to deal with me as I won’t put up with any @*!# - but I sure know that my wife appreciated me taking this pressure off her.”

• “Whilewebothwentthroughaveryhardtimeitwasmywifethathadbeenthrough so much heartache with the IVF process that I just decided that I would try to shoulder most of the problems associated with the bureaucracies while adopting, so..... I supported my wife through the adoption process by: 1 - trying to be strong; 2 - arranging nice weekends away for our sanity; 3 - trying to make her laugh when she was crying (that’s just me!!); 4 - right or wrong, I even shielded her from a couple of ‘bad news’ phone calls (but I have told her only recently); 5 - by trying to deal with most of the bullshit.”

• “Isupportedmywifethroughtheadoptionprocessbybeingunderstanding”

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Getting Your License to Parent

“You know, Mrs. Buckman, you need a license to buy a dog, to drive a car - hell, you even need a license to catch a fish. But they’ll let any butt-reaming asshole be a father.” Keanu Reeves, Parenthood 1989.

In the movie “Parenthood”, Keanu’s character experienced an unusual moment of Zen clarity when he provided his thoughts on fatherhood to Steve Allen’s “Mr Buckman”. The truth is that most fathers don’t receive any screening or education before they accept the challenging job of parenthood. However adoptive fathers are an exception. The pre-adoption training and rigorous eligibility checks are about a close as it gets to qualify for a licence to parent. So what do Australian adoptive dads think about the eligibility screening and education that they received on their road to parenthood? Some interesting reflections are provided below.

• “Thebestadoptiontraininginvolvesthosewhohavepracticalexperiencesin inter-country adoption. People who have ‘been there and done that’. Their advice is gold.”

• “Wewon’tknowhowgoodthetrainingwasuntilourkidsgrowupandcomment on our parenting skills.”

• “Ienjoyedlisteningtoadultagedadoptees.Theyhavealotofusefulthingstosay.”

• “Seeingadoptedchildrenatsomeinformationsessionswasawesome.Itmademe realise just what I was getting into and how much I wanted it.”

• “Pre-AdoptionEducationneedstobemandatory.Anythinglessisnegligentandnot in the best interests of the children – or parents for that matter.”

• “Iwouldlovetocommentonadoptiontraining.Iwouldlovetobeabletoaccess adoption training. But it keeps being cancelled by [the adoption authority]. I honestly don’t know what I am paying my fees for!”

• “Ididn’tmindhavingtodivulgedeeplypersonalinformationtoadoptachild [to a social worker during the adoption process]. Although at times I really wasn’t sure what some things had to do with my ability to be a good parent.”

• “Iamnotsurewhatmyreligion,politicsandsexlifehadtodowithbecoming an adoptive father, but my social worker seemed fascinated to know everything! ”

• ”Mostofmythoughtsonthissubjectcouldneverbepublished.....Therewassomuch information we received that was just plain WRONG. A lot of the subject matter was not relevant and so out of date. Presented by people that had never been through the process or had been through it 30 years ago. Most of the presenters were so incompetent at delivering the information and at report writing. We were spoken to like primary school children. They use to talk to us in a very condescending manner. The one

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I Play Tennis With My Dad! Aruna (Aged 5)

Getting Your License to Parent (continued)

positive we gained was meeting parents that had already been through the process or were at the same stage as us, and a lot of those have remained close friends. Enough said from me.......................”

• “WhenIwasgoingthroughtheprocessforthefirsttimeIwasoftenfrustratedwiththe screening process. “why should we have to prove ourselves as worthy parents when no other parents do?” was one thought which kept reoccurring. Looking back now I actually think the screening is extremely important for the sake of the child/children. I now think how can parents be screened properly in a handful of visits by a social worker? More importantly I think pre-adoption education for prospective parents is vital. The education I received was minimal at best. “Parents to be” need a sound understanding of issues they may be confronted with once they are parents. The best way to achieve this is to have plenty of interactions and dialogue with parents who have been through the process and have fully experienced the ups and downs.

• “Itisaverylongandwindingroad.Bureaucracyandthenegativeattitudesof bureaucrats have to be appeased.”

Adoptee Thoughts

Make every effort in connecting with your child. Remember to use inclusive language with your child, to not single them out as being ‘different’. Share your experience with your child, and your feelings about people’s reaction to having an inter-country adoptive son or daughter. Normalise their experience with your own experiences! Be honest, open, caring and always loving!

Megan, South Korean Adoptee

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Becoming a Father - Allocation

“A father carries pictures where his money used to be.” Author Unknown

The allocation of a child through inter-country adoption occurs in a variety of different ways, depending largely upon which country the child is from and influenced by the administrative practices of the adoption authority. However in most cases the allocation provides information on the child and at least one precious photograph. Below Australian adoptive fathers write in their own words how they felt at the point of allocation.

• “WhenIwaswaitingtoadoptIsawanewfatheratanadoptionworkshopshowing everyone a picture of his newly allocated child. He hadn’t even met the child and he was gushing about him. To be honest I thought that he was a bit of a wanker at the time. But after I got a picture of my child I was just the same. I had never been so proud or so happy before. Of course now I am a father I am happier and prouder with every day. I will happily bore anyone with pictures of my child at any opportunity!”

• “ThefirstthingthatstruckmewhenIsawtheallocationphotowasthatmychild actually looked like me. Which is odd because my child is an Asian girl and I am a Caucasian man! But there was no doubt. She looked like me and everyone remarked about the resemblance and wondered if we had been matched because of our looks.”

• “Relief.Bloodyrelief.Thatwasmyfirstemotion.Wewerefinallyalltogetherasafamily. Finally!”

• “Overcomewithemotion.”

• ”It’shardforanybodyelsetounderstand,butlikeafatherwhoseeshischildborn in the operating theatre, I can honestly tell you, I fell in love with my 2 daughters instantly. The bonding started at 8-15am on Thursday 7th April 2005”

• ”Sadness-Ifeltsosadformybeautifulgirls.Thesadnesswassoevidentintheireyes.”

• “Ifeltinstantlyprotectiveofmynewdaughter.EventhoughIcouldn’tholdherfor months, having that photograph made me her father and from that moment I knew that there was nothing I wouldn’t do for her.”

• “[Theallocationphotograph]isthemostbeautifulphotothatIhaveeverseen.”

• “Speechless”

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Exploring Birth Countries

“The world is a book, and those who do not travel read only a page.” St. Augustine

Today’s adoptive parents are typically required to travel to the country of their child’s birth in order to adopt or accept responsibility for the child prior to a formal adoption in Australia. This provides a unique and valuable opportunity to learn about the country and its culture. For many this can inspire a life-long sense of connection to that country and a deep interest it its culture. For others it soon becomes a distant memory – sometimes good – sometimes not. We asked Australian Adoptive Fathers to tell us - apart from meeting their child - what the most memorable thing was about visiting his/her birth country.

• “OurfirstnightinNanchang(China)~Dancinglessonsinthestreets,holesinthe pavement big enough to fall into, humidity to give anyone crotch rot, but most of all - the most friendly people on the planet. We couldn’t communicate with words, but expressions did it all.”

• “OurvisittoIndiawasmemorablebecauseofthe:Poverty;Crowds;Noise;Extreme Contrasts; Taj Mahal; Explosion of sensations - smells, colour and emotions.”

• “SeeingtheBundinShanghaiandlookingacrossthewatertothePudongwas amazing. The contrast in China’s past and future was breathtaking. The sheer enormity of the country and its culture was overwhelming.”

• “ChinawasnotatallasIhadpicturedit.AndwiththepaceofchangeIamsurethatit will not be the same as I picture it now for much longer. What struck me the most was the incredible pace of change.”

• “Apartfrommeetingmychildthemostmemorablethingaboutvisitinghis/herbirth country was the way people lived and their daily expectations.”

Dad & Me With Love Hearts & Colourful Clouds Ashwini (Aged 8)

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Culture Vultures

“Culture is the widening of the mind and of the spirit” Jawaharlal Nehru

How does your family incorporate the birth culture(s) of your adopted children in to your daily lives as Australians? That was the question posed to the dads and dads-to-be of the Curry Club. The question is an important one as a healthy appreciation of the birth-culture is increasingly recognised as being vital to the long term wellbeing of children adopted from overseas. Some suggestions are recorded below:

• “Wechoosetobelongtoasupportgroupthatvaluesculture.Thatisareallygoodway to supplement our family activities and to interact with the local ethnic community.”

• “Wecelebratetheculturalfestivalsofherbirthcountryasmuchaswecelebrate Australia Day and Christmas. It’s just become part of our lives and we thoroughly enjoy it.”

• “Wealwaysspeakpositivelyaboutourchild’sbirthcultureandthatisn’tdifficult- China has an amazing culture!”

• “WehaveawallinourhomededicatedtoIndiawithphotosofourvisitthere.Andvery special photos of our girls at the Taj Mahal. Indian artwork, books and trinkets. We attend Indian cultural festivals and Indian Adoption Picnics. We eat out at Indian restaurants regularly and cook Indian food at home.”

• “Wehavemadeverydeliberatedecisionswhenandwhereourchildren’sbirth-culture can be incorporated. For example our choice of school was made not only for convenience but with culture, language and racial issues in mind. You need to consider these things at all times, but like after a while it becomes second nature and very natural.”

• “Makefriendsfromthesamecultureasyourchildren.”

• “Foodisagreatwaytogetcultureintoyourhome.Ifyoudon’tlikethefoodfromyour child’s country it is difficult to enjoy other things too. So try and find something that you do like by experimenting at restaurant and shops.”

• “Learnthelanguage.Oratleastmakeaneffort!”

• “EachChineseNewYearwebuyourdaughteranewChineseoutfit.Someyearsshe chooses to wear it, other years she decides not to. But whatever she decides it is evident that she is very proud of her growing collection. We hope that she will continue to treasure then as she grows up.”

• “Byhavingopenconversationaboutwhereourgirlswereborn(India).Ourgirls(now aged 6 & 8) are very aware of where they have come from and we all talk positively about India.”

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Culture Vultures (continued)

• ”BywatchinganydocumentariesonTVregardingIndia.”

• ”AllowingourgirlstodressintheirfavouriteIndianclothesforspecialoccasionsand letting them wear a ‘bindi’ for those special occasions.”

• “WetryandexposeourdaughtertopeopleofChinesebackgroundastheircultural knowledge is very useful and authentic. Besides it’s nice to have a multicultural group of friends and it enriches all of our lives”

• “Whenwethinkaboutdoingsomethingwealwaystrytoconsiderourchild’sbirth- culture. For example if your child wants to take up dancing lessons why automatically choose ballet? Instead why not consider cultural dancing as an option? Of course there is nothing wrong with ballet, but if you didn’t at least consider the possibility of an alternative cultural option, then you may need to question your level of cultural commitment.”

• “ByattendingculturaleventsandpreparingandeatingEthiopianmeals.”

• “Cultureiscool.Getintoit!”

An Adoptee’s Advice to Fathers on Culture

Can you afford to adopt a child? And I don’t mean can you afford all the paperwork etc etc before you meet your child. I think I would be a much different, much more content person today had my parents given me the opportunity to see and experience Korea on a somewhat regular basis. I am currently 26. I have never been back to Korea, and I’m yearning for it very badly right now. I think it’s really important, these days, for adoptive parents today to know just how important it can be to maintain contact with their child’s original country and culture. It can prevent them from feeling isolated, ashamed and alone.

Also, I think as fathers, although it can be hard to balance work and home life, you still need to have a genuine interest in your child’s heritage. My parents, although I love them very much, have never really had a major interest in Korea, and because of this, I grew up feeling a bit alone - because I was the only one who came from Korea. Having an interest in your child’s background can make a huge difference to them.

Alexis, South Korean Adoptee

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The Tough Questions

“I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer.” - Douglas Adams

Most children have a habit of asking their parents tricky questions. Adopted children are no different and because of their particular life stories some of those questions can be really challenging. So what is the toughest question your adopted child has asked you? This is the question that The Curry Club asked adoptive fathers to respond to and their answers are below. Some questions relate to adoption, others to more general topics.

• “Attheageof4mydaughteraskedifweknewwhoherbirthparentswere.Weknow nothing and the chance of ever discovering any information is unlikely. That is a really tough thing to deal with. All we can do is answer honestly and explain that we don’t know who they were. We sincerely wish that we had that information for her.”

• “1-Whogavememyname?followedby2-Well,whydidn’ttheywantme?(that’s when the tears came from Mum & Dad), [and] 3 - Are we there yet?

• “Mydaughteraskedifherbirthparent’slovedher.That’satoughie.Professionalstell us to never say that they did [love her] as we just don’t know if this is true. But I find it hard to believe that any parent wouldn’t love a child. And let’s face it the professionals seem to have been wrong many times before.”

• “WhywasIleftonastreetcorner?That’sthetoughestquestionIhavebeenasked.”

• “Howdoyoumakebabies?……Ijusttoldhertoaskhermum!”

• “Onedaymydaughter(whoisAsian)askedmeifIwouldliketohavea‘blackbaby’. Madonna’s adoption had been in the news and I assumed that she was referring to that particular media circus. Naturally I was concerned about where the conversation might go. But I needn’t have worried. After a short conversation it became apparent that she was just offering me a jelly-baby as she didn’t like the taste of the liquorice ones! The lesson was that sometimes the tough questions are not as tough as we might first imagine!”

• “[Thetoughquestionsare]stilltocome”

Playing Catch with Dad Under a Rainbow Anon Age 4

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Ch..Ch..Ch..Changes!

“Ch-Ch-Changes. Just gonna have to be a different man.” David Bowie

Becoming a father, whether for the first of subsequent times, is a life changing experience. The way in which a man lives his life; interacts with others; and perceives the world can all change in dramatically and sometimes unexpected ways. Curry Club Members were asked what had changed most in their lives since becoming an adoptive father. Their answers are as usual amusing and thought provoking.

• “Myperceptionoftimehaschangedthemost.Iknowthatitisaclichébutchildren grow up so fast. One minute my daughter was a little baby and the next she was off to school. When you have kids every second of life becomes precious.”

• “Inowknowwhatbeingtiredreallymeans!”

• “Whathaschangedthemost?Ifinallyfeellikeagrown-up.Thereisnothinglike becoming a parent to make you grow-up!”

• “Asenseofhugeresponsibilityeveryday.”

• ”NotthinkingIaman‘adoptedfather’-justafather(orDad)”

• ”Somanymorethingstoconsiderthesedayswitheveryaspectofourlivesnow, even the simple things like, going to the shops, the footy, holidays, out for dinner - but would not change it for anything. And the big things in our children’s life, like, their health and education are just such a monumental responsibility - but again, would not change it for anything.”

• ”The love that I receive from two little people is fantastic, heart wrenching, beautiful stuff. “

• “Icannolongertakeadumpinpeaceandquiet.OhandInowhavetodescribeits appearance to my child afterwards! Oh the joy of fatherhood!”

• “Thethingthathaschangedthemostformeisenergylevels.Iusedtoconsidermyself a reasonably fit person, now when I catch with someone I haven’t seen for some time they ask what weight loss program I’ve been on. I call it the “3 year old diet” (now 5 year old diet). My day often now begins sometime between 5am - 6am. Spare time has now become a thing of the past. A half an hour with a coffee and a paper on a Saturday morning is now something I cherish.”

• “Inowhaveanewwayoflifeandlookingattheworldthroughtheeyesofchildren.”

• “Sincebecomingafathermyfeelingsofresponsibilityhavechangedenormously. I now have this fantastic obligation to not only provide for myself and my wife, but for our family. To ensure our children’s well being, their health, their education, their security, their moral up-bringing - and I love it. It has opened up a whole different world for us - we have met so many wonderful families that we now consider as our very close friends. It’s fantastic !!!!!!!”

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Fathers Who Lead

“A volunteer is worth twenty pressed men.” Proverb

One of the stated goals of The Curry Club is to increase the level of engagement of men in the inter-country adoption community. But we must recognise that there are many men in Australia who already play an active role in that community. Some have founded support networks and/or have leadership roles within such groups. Others have volunteered to run training courses to prospective parents or to provide advice to prospective fathers. Still more volunteer for their community by cooking barbeques, pitching tents, coordinating activities, and even putting on a silly red suit and white beard at Christmas time. So what drives them to do such voluntary work? The answers provided by the volunteers below may enlighten you and inspire you to volunteer yourself.

John Ford

• MemberofAcceptingChildrenEverywhere • MemberoftheTasmanianInterCountryAdoptionConsultativeCommittee

John’s Story

“On the day after we picked up our son in the Philippines I decided to take him for a swim in the hotel pool. A bit of male bonding I thought....well what happened next brought me to where I am today. My wife decided to let us go on and she would join us ten minutes or so later. The hotel pool area was a typical one with a walled compound and a bar at one end. In the bar sat slumped in a chair was the pool man cum bartender. When my son and I arrived he immediately sat bolt upright and glared at me with eyes full of daggers. I must admit I didn’t take too much notice at first, a dislike of foreigners perhaps? We jumped in the pool and my son clung to me as his swimming ability left a lot to be desired! At this the behaviour of the pool attendant became even more hostile. Suddenly the penny dropped. He thought my attentions toward this small boy were other than fatherly! I was appalled that someone could think that of me. Gentlemen, it was the longest ten to fifteen minutes of my life! I have never been so glad and relieved to see my wife, whose appearance at the pool immediately set the attendants mind at rest. I reflected on this experience after returning home and decided that I should pass on my experience to those males going through the process. I didn’t want them as unprepared as I. My wife and I became members of a parent panel run by our support group and moved on to a similar role at the state government compulsory training weekends. We also created a specific panel for prospective Fathers where they could ask questions from a bloke’s perspective. I became a member of our state consultative committee representing our support group and continue in that role some six years later. I also now represent Tasmania at Commonwealth level. I believe that during the process the male view can sometimes become submerged and I set out to try and redress the balance. Hopefully I succeed.”

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Mark Stewart - Mark’s Story

• FormerPresidentandCo-FounderofSouthAustralianChineseAdoptionSupport (SACAS) Incorporated. • FormerMemberoftheNationalInterCountryAdoptionAdvisoryGrouptothe Commonwealth Attorney General.

“As an adoptive father with no biological children I have had to come to terms with something quite profound. The long run of unbroken success in passing on genetic material enjoyed by my ancestors ends with me. For some perverse reason I have started to take a great delight that one particular giant genetic chain stretching back three billion years to primordial ooze ends with me (or come full circle as I’m sure some of my “friends” would argue). Fortunately the chain lasted long enough so that DNA is no longer the be all and end all of what we can pass on to our children. I can talk to them and pass on my wisdom (luckily for them it doesn’t take long).

Even better, I can learn from them and what an amazing experience that has been

Somewhere at home I have a copy of a report commissioned from an industrial psychologist by a former employer who wanted to know if I was “leadership material”. One of the conclusions was that I prefer to work in a non-political environment. Whenever I have told this to people who know me well they usually laugh but it’s true; if I had my way I would prefer to live my whole life without politics. My problem is that whenever someone else the starts the politics, I can’t help myself. I come out swinging like a punch-drunk boxer at the sound of a bell. South Australian Chinese Adoption Support, the group of which I was President until recently, was initially formed as a social network to provide for the mutual interests of our community.

I was involved from the start but I took a back seat to others which suited me just fine. But then people outside the group started playing politics with things that had the potential to deeply affect many of us and I pushed my way to the front.”

The Grand Pooh-Bah Comments on Leadership

To me leadership is nothing more than the ability to inspire others to work together to achieve goals that would be impossible to achieve alone.

Perhaps there is something that you would like to do to improve life for those in the inter-country adoption community. If so the chances are very good that there are others in that community who will share your vision.

So why not consider being a leader. Share your dreams and with like-minded people. You will be amazed at what you can achieve together.

Fathers Who Lead (continued)

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Understanding Birth Fathers

by Gary Coles

This material has been extracted by Gary Coles from his book “Ever After: Fathers and the Impact of Adoption” and kindly provided to The Curry Club for inclusion in this Compendium. We thank Gary for his work on this often overlooked subject and for generously agreeing to share his birth father wisdom with adoptive fathers.

Understanding Birth Fathers

The stereotype of the birth father is the callous man who fled and is forever detached from the birth, the adoption and the well-being of his child.

From late twentieth century and early twenty-first century investigations of birth fathers, two themes stand out. In general, birth fathers do care about the children they fathered and the legacy of adoption is a permanent scar for birth fathers.

Kaplan and Silverstein (1991) write of the seven core issues in adoption, as they apply to adopted persons, birth parents (in reality, the mother) and adoptive parents. Taking into account personal knowledge and the reactions recorded in published studies, I have used this framework to record the experiences of birth fathers:

• Loss:Ruminateaboutthelostchildfeelsomethingismissingfromourlives.Mayrue broken relationship with birth mother. Feel unable to articulate our loss(es); if do so, may be consigned to social isolation.

• Rejection:Reprimandselvesasbeingirresponsibleandunworthy,becausehave permitted adoption. As a result, keep illegitimacy and adoption a secret, because fear community’s negative reaction. Should we seek reunion, fear reprobation by the child we feel we abandoned (this is our greatest fear).

• Guilt/Shame:Partytoaguiltysecret.Feelshameandguiltfornegligentactions,which resulted in the child being placed for adoption and a mother’s life being damaged. Victim of the double bind: damned for thinking of keeping the child (ruining career prospects) and damned for relinquishing the child (and abrogating the protector/provider role).

• Grief:Noritualsformourning;griefresolutionisdelayedanddisenfranchised.Theright of the birth father to grieve the loss of his child (and perhaps the birth mother) may not be recognised by the community, because of a perception that he is selfish and uncaring.

• Identity:Losepartofidentityastheprocreatingfather.Confusionaboutwhetherornot can call ourselves a parent, because we let a child go. Difficulty in responding truthfully when asked how many children we have. May feel invisible if unacknowledged on our child’s original birth certificate.

• Intimacy:Waryofintimacy,becauseitmayleadtoanotherloss.Unresolvedissueswith the birth mother may interfere with future relationships.

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Understanding Birth Fathers (continued)

• Control:Relinquishmentofachildseenashavingyieldedcontroltointernalfearsand external influences. It is a disempowering, life-changing event. Outcome may be self- imposed control, as a strategy to deny effects of the separation created by adoption.

The following diagram summarises a birth father’s key actions and reactions. The role of control is highlighted where its effects are palpable. What this figure does reinforce is what differentiates the birth father experience - the influence of responsibility on his actions, against the community’s expectations of fatherhood, and his dual focus on mother and child. For a man who experiences the burden of double abandonment, of feeling that he has let down two people, processing his feelings, searching and reunion is likely to be complex. The leading players in a birth mother’s search and reunion are typically her child and herself. A birth father’s search and reunion experience may involve, for him, a necessary reconciliation with both the birth mother and their adult child.

In other words, for a birth father the search and reunion ‘model’ may be a triad, whereas for a birth mother it is more likely to be the dad. Adopted persons’ stories of search and reunion are more often aligned with the ‘model’ for birth mothers, in the sense that for adoptees the birth mother is typically the primary (and sometimes the sole) objective of their search.

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Male Traditional Role: Protector/Provider

Community Expectations: That men demonstrate responsibility at all times

1. Conception, Pregnancy, Birth and Adoption [months]

Internal = Self External = Others

Avoidance - Denial of responsibility for paternity

Involvement blocked by birth parents’ parents/birth mother/Social Workers (External locus of Control )

2. Post-Adoption [years]

Emergent, maintained or intensified feelings about:

Self Child Birth Mother

Self-esteem Curiosity ‘Unfinished Business’

Disenfranchised grief Concern for his/her well-being Concern for her well-being

Shame - failing to fulfil expected role, thus forsaking mother and child

Guilt - letting child go, not fulfilling parental role

Guilt - not being there for her when she needed him

Personal identity Connectedness

3. Search and reunion (where initiated by the birth father) [years]

Reconciliation with:

Self Adult child, birth mother

Triggered by an acceptance of responsibility for past actions, often a product of maturity - with positive consequences for the other members of the family of origin

Represents acknowledgment that adoption causes damage to the three members of a family of origin and that, with the willing participation of all, a measure of healing (= grief resolution) is possible for each person. For the birth father, seeking an accord with both birth mother and child may be very important; hence a triadic search and reunion, as a consequence of the Triple Bond

(Internal locus of Control)

Material extracted from the book Ever After: Fathers and the Impact of Adoption by Gary Coles

The Birth Father Experience - An Overview

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The Quest for a Bloody Good Curry

“Without the curry, boiled rice can be very dull.” C. Northcote Parkinson

Curry is an amazing cuisine. In various forms it tantalizes the tastebuds of people across the globe. The history of the term “curry” is also the stuff of myth and legend. Most scholars agree that it is an English word, possibly derived from Tamil, and that it originally referred to any food served in a spicy sauce. Today the term “curry” is used in the west to describe an even wider range of spicy dishes. Dishes that many blokes love to eat.

From the well-known and loved Indian curries to exotic Asian and South East Asian dishes. From Sri Lanka spice to Ethiopian stews. There are few countries from which Australian’s adopt that do not have their own traditional curry inspired cuisine.

Of course there are some countries where curry has not had a major influence on the national cuisine. But all is not lost. Most of these nations have their own spicy food, often generously laced with pepper or chilli. Adoptive fathers with children born in these countries are just as passionate about these dishes as any curry lover. The Curry Club welcomes them with open arms and spoons at the ready.

In the pages that follow, adoptive fathers will share with you their favourite “curry” recipes. But before you read any further please be warned. These recipes are not for the weak. The ancient spices that they contain are now known to trigger the instantaneous release of endorphins. So if you are intending to experiment with these recipes, do so in the knowledge that you may become as addicted to curry as the members of The Curry Club. Well let’s hope so anyway!

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China

Chinese Five-spice Pork Curry

Fancy a tasty pork rib? Well this recipe may be for you. Chinese five-spice powder is a pungent mixture typically comprised of star anise, fennel seeds, cinnamon, Szechuan pepper and cloves. China is not known for its curry, although it curry recipes exist due to the travels of Indian Buddhist monks and Chinese trade with South East Asia. This curry in heavily influenced by Chinese cooking and flavours, but it also incorporates other South East Asian influences. As with most Chinese dishes, it is best served with steamed rice

Ingredients

500g pork spare ribs (1 inch size) 1 ½ tablespoons of oil 2 cloves Garlic, crushed 190g fried Tofu Puffs 1 tablespoon Ginger, finely chopped 1 teaspoon Five-Spice Powder ½ teaspoon ground White Pepper 3 tablespoons Fish Sauce 3 tablespoons Kecap Manis (or any thick soy sauce) 2 tablespoons Light Soy Sauce 35g Palm Sugar 2 tablespoons Coriander, chopped 100g Snow Peas, finely chopped

Instructions

• Putporkspareribsinasaucepanofcoldwaterandthenbringthemtotheboilbefore simmering gently for 5 minutes. Drain and set aside.

• Heattheoilinasaucepanandaddtheporkspareribsandgarlic,stirringuntillightly browned. Add all other ingredients (except for the snow peas) and then add 560ml of water. Cover and boil before simmering gently for 15 minutes.

• Stirinthesnowpeasjustbeforeservingwithsteamedrice.

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Ethiopia

Doro Wot (Chicken Stew)

“Wot” (pronounced “Whot”) is the Ethiopian term for stew and Doro Wot is a traditional thick chicken stew served with Injera Bread. An Ethiopian Wot is always eaten with the fingers. Lacking the heat of many world curries, this is an ideal tasty meal for the whole family to cook and consume. So when your child asks what is for dinner, just answer “Wot”. That is sure to confuse them!

Ingredients

125g Butter or Gee 4 large Onions, diced 185g Tomato Paste 750ml Water 2 Teaspoons Garlic Salt 1 teaspoon ground Black Pepper 2 red Chillies, finely diced (or 2 teaspoons of Bebere mix if available) 1kg Chicken pieces 6 Hard Boiled Eggs, shelled

Instructions

• Meltthebutter/geeinasaucepanandsautétheonionsuntilgoldenbrown. • Mixthetomatopastewith125mlofwater.Stirthisintotheonionswiththegarlicsalt, black pepper, chillies (or Berbere) and the remaining 625ml of water. Adjust the seasoning and simmer for 10 minutes. • Prickeachchickenpieceandeacheggalloverwithaforkandthenaddthemtothe sauce. Stir well and simmer on low heat for 30-40 minutes or until the flavours have been fully absorbed into the chicken and eggs, the chicken is cooked and the sauce thickens. Serve hot with Ethiopian Bread or boiled rice.

Ingredients Injera Bread

1kg self-raising flour 250g whole-wheat plain flour 1 teaspoon baking powder 500ml soda water

Instructions

• Combinealldryingredientsinabowl.Addthesodawaterandmixintoasmoothand thin batter. • Heatalargenon-stickfryingpan.Removepanfromheatandtipinenoughbatter to cover the base of the pan. Set it back on the heat. • Removewhenallthemoisturehasevaporatedandsmallholesbegintoappearonthe surface. The bread should only be cooked on one side and should not be too crisp as this will prevent you mopping up the Doro Wot. • Stackthebreadlikepancakesandcoverwithaclothtopreventthemdryingout.

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India

Beef Vindaloo

Ahhhh India! The ancestral home of curry. Few would argue that Indian Curries are amongst the best in the world. And no self respecting bloke’s book on curry would be complete without an insanely hot Vindaloo recipe. But you can always adjust the chilli to suit your tastes.

Ingredients

Spice Mix

1 Tablespoon Coriander Seeds ½ Teaspoon Cardamom Seeds 1 Teaspoon Cumin Powder 1 Teaspoon Fenugreek Powder 1 Teaspoon Turmeric Powder 1 Teaspoon Mustard Power 2 Teaspoons Chilli Powder (more if you like it really hot!)

Other Ingredients

1kg Beef Steak, cubed 3 Onions, diced 2 Tablespoons Gee 3 Teaspoons Ginger, grated 3 Cloves Garlic, crushed 1 Cinnamon Stick 1/3 Cup Brown Vinegar ½ Cup Beef Stock 1 Teaspoon Sugar

Instructions

• Grindthecorianderandcardamomseeds,cumin,fenugreek,turmeric,mustard,and chilli powder into a power using a mortar and pestle or food processor.

• Heatthegeeinalargesaucepanandaddthecubedbeefinbatchesuntilitisbrowned. Set aside in a bowl.

• Addonion,ginger,garlicandcinnamontothepanandstiroveralowheatuntilthe onion is softened. Add the spices and the meat and stir until mixed thoroughly.

• Addthevinegar,stockandsugarandseasontotastewithsaltandpepper.Coverand cook on a low heat for 1.5 hours. Remove the cinnamon stick before serving over rice.

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Philippines

Chicken Adobo

The cuisine of the Philippines has been heavily influenced by the abundance of fresh food as well as by Asian traders and Spanish colonists. This recipe is one of the nation’s signature dishes and a great dish for fathers to make for their entire family.

Ingredients

Marinade/Sauce

6 Cloves of Garlic, crushed 1 Cup Cider Vinegar 1.5 Cups Chicken Stock 1 Bay Leaf 1 Teaspoon Coriander Seeds 1 teaspoon Black Peppercorns 1 Teaspoon Annatto Seeds (Achuete) 3 Tablespoons Soy Sauce

Other Ingredients

2 Tablespoons Oil 1.5kg Chicken Pieces (legs, wings and breast portions)

Instructions

• Putthegarlic,vinegar,chickenstock,bayleaf,peppercorns,corianderseeds,soysauce and annatto seeds into a large bowl and mix. Marinate the chicken pieces in this mixture for at least 2 hours.

• Placethechickenandmarinade/sauceintolargesaucepanandbringtotheboil. Cover and simmer for 30 minutes.

• Removethelidandcookforanother10minutes.Removethechickenfromthepan.

• Reducethestockbyhalfbyboilingandstirringonahighheatforaround10minutes. This will result in a rich brown sauce.

• Heattheoilinawokandpanfrythechickenpiecesuntiltheybecomecrispandgolden brown. Serve with rice and pour the reduced stock over the chicken as a tasty sauce.

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Sri Lanka

Coconut Pepper Beef Curry

Sri Lanka is a land that evokes images of exotic landscapes of jungles and beaches, painted elephants and serene statues of Buddha. These images are accompanies by the enticing aroma of seafood and coconut curries. This recipe captures all of those images and aromas.

Ingredients

Spice Mix

1 tablespoon Black Peppercorns 1 tablespoon Coriander Seeds 1 teaspoons Fennel Seeds 2 teaspoons Cumin Seeds

Aromatics

4 Garlic cloves, crushed 3 teaspoons Ginger, finely grated 1 Red Chilli finely, chopped 8 Curry Leaves 1 Lemongrass stem, chopped finely 2 Onions, finely diced.

Wet Ingredients

1kg Beef Chuck Steak, diced 1 cup Coconut Milk 1 cup Beef Stock 2 tablespoons Lemon Juice

Instructions

• Frythepeppercorns,corianda,cuminandfennelseedsinadrypanonamediumheat for a few minutes. This will release a great smell. Cool and grind the seeds and pepper corns into a powder with a mortar and pestle.

• Heattheoilinasaucepanandbrownthebeefbeforesettingaside.Inthesame saucepan, fry the aromatics which include the onion, ginger, garlic, curry leaves and lemon grass for 5 minutes. Add the ground spices and cook for another 2-3 minutes.

• Stirthebeefintothesaucepanandaddlemonjuice,coconutmilkandbeefstock. Bring to the boil. Reduce the heat, cover and cook for 2.5 hours. Skim off any excess oil that comes to the surface during the cooking process. Serve with rice.

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South Korea

Kimchi Jigae

South Korea is one Asian country almost untouched by the travels of curry. However if one searches long enough one can find some curry influences. But many don’t bother, and why would you when you have the power of Kimchi at your disposal. A form of pickled cabbage laced with chilli. Kimchi is hot – darned hot! Kimchi Jjigae (Kimchi Stew) is the most popular stew in South Korea. Have a jug of cold water ready!

Ingredients

500g Pork Belly (or any pork with fat), thinly sliced 2 Tablespoons Korean chilli paste (Gochoojang) 3 Cups Water 1 cup Kimchi 1 teaspoon Soy Sauce 1 teaspoon Korean Chilli Powder (Gochoogaroo) 2 Cloves Garlic, minced 2 Hot Green Chilli, chopped 2 Spring Onions, sliced diagonally ½ Pack Tofu (Dooboo) Salt & Pepper to taste

Instructions

• Sautétheporkbellyinalargepanforaminuteortwo. Add Korean chilli paste and cook until meat becomes white.

• Pourthewater,addkimchee.Bringtoaboil,reducetosimmer.

• Addsoysauce,Koreanchillipowder,andgarlic.Cookfor20-30minutes.

• Addchillies,springonions,saltandpepper.Cookforanotherminute.

• Servewithsteamedrice.

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Thailand

Red Vegetable Curry

Australian’s are now every familiar with Thai food and have grown to love its fresh, spicy and exotic flavours. Red and green curries are amongst the most popular of dishes and it would be remiss not to include one of them in this compendium. This vegetarian curry is presented for our veggo members and in deference

Ingredients

1Tablespoon Oil 1 Onion, chopped 1-2 Tablespoons of Red Curry Paste 1 ½ Cups Coconut Milk 1Cup Water 2 Potatoes, chopped 200g Cauliflower Florets 6 Kaffir Lime Leaves 150g Snake Beans, cut into 3cm pieces ½ Red Capsicum, cut into strips 10 Baby Corn Spears, Cut in half lengthwise 1 Tablespoon Green Peppercorns, chopped ¼ Cup Thai Basil Leaves, finely chopped 2 Tablespoons Soy Sauce 1 Tablespoon Lime Juice 2 Teaspoons Brown Sugar

Instructions

• Heattheoilinawoktoamediumheatandaddonionsandredcurrypaste,stirringfor 4 minutes.

• Addcoconutmilkandwaterandsimmerfor5minutes.

• Addpotato,cauliflowerandlimeleavesandsimmerfor7minutes.

• Addsnakebeans,capsicum,cornandpeppercornsandcookfor5minutes.

• Stirinthebasil,fishsauce,limejuiceandsugarandservewithrice.

Note: The carnivores out there may wish to add chicken, fish or prawns to this recipe and to substitute the soy sauce for a more traditional fish sauce. Meat should be fried lightly to seal before adding the coconut milk and water.

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About the Grand Poo-Bah

“Committing yourself is a way of finding out who you are. A man finds his identity by identifying.” - Anon (somewhat ironically)

Nigel Holden lives in Adelaide, South Australia, with his wife Karen and Chinese born daughter Mei. Even before he became a father Nigel committed himself to an active role in the inter-country adoption community. One of the founding members of South Australian Chinese Adoption Support Incorporated (SACAS), Nigel is also their current President.

Committing himself to the inter-county adoption community has proven to be very rewarding for Nigel. It has provided him and his family with many

opportunities to form friendships and to explore issues of adoption, race, culture and identity in supportive environments.

When it comes to commitments it is certainly difficult to imagine one greater than the decision to adopt a child from overseas. The tragedy. The joy. The tears. The smiles. They are all part of the wonder and the challenge of belonging to an adoptive family.

The commitment of adoptive fatherhood has certainly helped The Grand Poo Bah discover who he really is. A very proud adoptive father indeed!

Dad and Me with Butterflies and Stars.Mei – Aged 5

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The Curry Club supports Oxfam Australia in their efforts to assist families in need throughout the world.

You can also help by donating whatever you can afford at www.oxfam.org.au or buy purchasing gifts and gift cards from Oxfam Stores and Oxfam unwrapped.