Uk

"7

Library

of the

University of Toronto

Comical FTLGRIM;O R,

TRAVELSO F

Cynick PHILOSOPHER,Thro the moft Wicked Parts of

the WORLD,

Namely,

ENGLAND, ^rfa ELAND,WA L E s9 >< andSCOTLAND, JC HOLLAND.

WITHHis Merry Obfervations on the English Stage,

Gaming-Houfes, Poets, Beaux, Women, Courtiers, Politicians, and Plotters. WelJI) Ckrgy,Gentry, and Cuftoms. Scotch Manners, Keli-

gion, and Lawyers. Irijh Ceremonies in tfteir

Marriages, Chriftenings, and Burials. AndDutch Government, Polity, and Trade.

BEINGA General SATYR on the Vices and Follies

of the Age.

LO N VA7, Printed for S. i ri/coe, at the Bell Savage^

Lud-irate-Hill- anrl rh* Sun apain-fl- ?/! ; PriflF^^-Hnnf^ Smifttin s-

PREFACE.S

Prefaces now are become common to every Production of thePrefix 7 am refolvd to be in the

|

Fajbion likewije, to let my Readerunderjland that I am not an Af-

cetick, or one of thofe devout Pilgrims, whowill travel on Foot to fee the holy Sepulchre,the Chapel of Loretto, or fome flrange Re-lique-, but a comical merry Traveller thatwould take a Peri^rinathn, on Horfebackor by Water, beyond the Devil s Arfe zttfPeak, to fee the Religion, CMflows, and Manners of foreign People, as well as knowingthofe of my own Country contrary to. the Sentiments of Claud ian, "who mentions it as aHappinefs, for Birth, Life, and Burial, tobe all in ane

Parifo.

^

SomePilgrims may brag of their bavin*

feen a Vial full of the Virgin Mary j Milkanother Vial

full of Mary Magdalen j repenting Tears the Pummel of the Sword ditbwhich the Ear of Malchus, the high Prie/TsServant, was cut off the Bill of the Cockwhich crowed after Saint Peter load denyW bit2% fet in Silver ; an Ell Fkmithofthe

B Cord

The PREFACE.Cord with which Judas hangd himfelf :, aLinnen Apron worn by our Saviour *s hwriorr-hoidal Valient

:,a Piece of the feemlefs Gar

ment, for which the Jewifli Soldiers cap Lots ^one of Saint John the Baptift s Eye-Teeth, fetin Gold

}Saint PaulV Cloak, which he left

at Troas, never the rporfe for wearing , andtalk alfo of their often meeting with the wan

dering Jew in their Travels :, thefe, I fay,r^ere Curiofities I vainV not feeing } but in allPlaces wherever I came, I made general 0-fervations on the Folly and Vices of the Inha

bitants, thereby to corretl my own Manners^ivhich^ indeed, is a very fine Thing, in either

Man or Beaft.In Order hereto^ I have travelled in three

Parts ofthe World ^ namely^ Europe, Africa,and America

:,and tloo Wickednefs reigns in

all Parts of the World, yet tnuft I needs fay-,that it is not fo predominate in any Place as

In England, Wales, Scotland, Ireland, andHolland

,-where it is as hard to find Religion,

Honejly and Virtue walk Hand in Hand^ asit was for Diogenes to find an honeft Womanin Athens. This Dearth of good Manners

obligd me, with the abovefaid Philosopher to

turn Cynick , and if by thefe Lucubrations^lean fo far put Folly and Vice, out of Coun

tenance, as to reclaim a wicked Age^ it is all

the Author defires for the Fatigue of takinga Pilgrimage, by Land and Sea, of aboveEleven Thoufand Miles, which is more than

half the Circumference of the whole Earth.THE

THEComical PILGRIM,

O R,

Travels thro England.

SSir^fp?.S London is the Metropolis, or capital City in the World, for Pride,

Luxury, and all other Vices $ I was

very curious of making fome Ob-fervations on them. In Order here

to, I frequented feveral Taverns,where was nothing but Drunkennefs, and youngRakes vomiting about the Room, and in theirBacchanalian Frolicks (which made them think,with Copernicus, the Earth turn d round) breakingPipes and GlafTes, to inflame a great Reckoningto a larger Sum. I alfo haunted Jelly-Houfes,where was no other Diverfion, than feeingproud conceited Coxombs eating Jellies, with a

gilded Pap-Spoon, for Provocation to venerial

Sports -, which by lighting on a Fire-Ship, mightbring them to the Charge and Mifery of Pills,Boluffes, Electuaries, and Diet-Drinks 5 f h^tthefe gallanting Stallions, need no other In-

junction of Penance, from the inojft rigid Con-

4 The COMICAL PILGRIM Sfeflor : Ar;d at every ccmmon Gaming-Houfe about1 own, the Gamefteis are as lavifhing oftheir Oathsand Curfes, ?s they are at the G-oom Porter s.Cpe,is curling the Dice,, another biting his Thumbs,and another fcratching where it doth not itch,vvhilil others are flourifhiug their Swords in the

irjidft of twenty G d s, to have their loftMoney again.

} ;;ink I to myfclf, the frequenting of thefe

Places, will return to no better Account towardsa Reformation of bad Mariners, than if a Manfhould go to a Bawdy-Houfe, to keep out of ill

Company. So having heard that a deal of gooflMannei s, and Morality, might be learnt, in feeingPlays acted oirthe>>^/z/7; Stage ^ I then flung awaymany a Half Crown at the Theatres in Bridges-Street, .,m\$- Lincoln s- bin Fields, but by the immoral, pro.faue, and impious Expreffions us d in the

dramatick Writings, whether tragical or comical,I could.. reel on the Piay-Houfes, no other thanSchools of Iniquity, the Si ^ks of all Wickednefs,and Markets for the Devil. Tis out of doubt,that even the Theatres of Greece and Rome, under

Heathenifm,." were lefs olnoxious and offenflve,

yet neverthelefs they flood condemned by the

primitive Fathers, n . j general Councils.

The deteftable lewd Expreffions in the Engliji)Plays, can do no lefs than debauch the Minds,and corrupt the Manners of the Audience 5 butit rnuft needs fcrike every good CbriJKan with

Horror,, to hear on the Stage Almighty God bla

prk:m ::l, his Providence queftion d and deny d,his Name prophanM, his Attributes afcrib d to fin-fal Creatures, and even to heathen Gods, hisi

Loly U qrd burlefqu d, and treated as a Fable,his Grace made a jell of, his Minifters defpis d,Confcience hugh d ^r, Religion ridicuFd, the Ca-

tholick

Travels thro ENGLAND. 5tholick Faith and Doctrine expos d, the fincere

Practice of Religion, reprefented as the Effect of

Vapours and Meiancholly, Virtue difcountenanc d,Vice encouraged, Evil treated as Good, and Goodas Evil

jand all this highly aggravated, by being

done in cool Blood, upon Choice and Deliberation.The Infidelity and Loofnefs of the prefent Age,

is very- much owing to the Play-Houfes-, wherethe Infe6tion of moft abominable Wickednefs,

fpreads among the Spectators, from the Lady inthe Front or Side-Box, to the tawdry Chambermaid in upper Gallery. Men and Women whofrequent the Theatre, are, inftead of learningVirtue, furrounded with inordinate Temptations,which incite them to unlawful Defires and Adtions,which foon end in the utter Ruin, both of Bodyand Soul. Where Lewdnefs is reprefented, in allthe DrefTes that can vitiate the Imagination, andfaften upon the Memory , and where Pride andFalfhood, Malice and Revenge, Injuftice and

Immodefty, Contempt of Marriage, and falfeNotions of Honour are recommended, no Goodcan be learn d, either by old or young ^ and thisnot among Mahometam and Ivfdels, not at Romeand Venice, not in France and Spain, but in a Pro-

teftcwt Country, and upon the c*$jh Stage, without any Fear that the Judgments of God will fall

upon them. The P/#jmexpofing (as they pretendthey do) Formality, Humour, and Pedantry, isnot an equivalent for their infulting facred Things,and their promoting to fo high a Degree, the Pro-

phanenefs and Debauchery of the Nation.Thofe who frequent the Play-Houfe, fay (to

palliate the fin) a great deal of Morality is tobe learnt from Plays-, but I cannot perceivewhat ^ood Morals can be obtain d from fuch

JExpreffions as thefe,"

Sure, if Woman had been

6 ibe COMICAL PILGRIMS

"

ready created, the Devil,inftead of being kickt

down to Hell, had beenmarried. Leonoras

"Charms turn Vice toVirtue Treafon into

Truth-, Nature, who hasmade her the fu-

"

preme Objeft ofour Defires, muft needs have

Tfiend her the Regulaterofour Morals She s

mad with the Whimfies of Virtue,and the DC-

"

vil. Damn d Lies, by Jyitarand /

I( "

^nd

" the reft of the HeathenGods and Godddles;

"

for I remember I paidtwo Guineas for fwear-

nz Cb,iJK* Oathslaft Night

1

.

As may befeen

in ffveral of thecomick Writers. However,

the Admirers of the Stagemuft have fome LscuCe

fothri?Fotly i andthus the Devil too, to fuppott

Vce hangs out the Coloursof Virtue. Again,

we cannot fee what Moralitycan be learnt in

JheftrSpreffionsin the following Tragedies of

CEdipis and Tbeodofus.

Tbo r^wtdmy Bed tieFuries phut fair Charms,

til break em, mtb Jocafta In myAnns :

tie Folds of Love, fllwait my Doom,the Room. Act 2.

wStorm tee tbat Jriva

m on the GroSnre Mean to make the Soul

<*d Body part

|>*iFevers** a hob* Hea: t.Att S

. Scene 2.

m which Lines aboveiaid may be fnri>eLo.ve nurfuing his Amours

in Defiance of Heaven 5

^ l",r i dvine a natural Death,or elfe he had

g^fdas to have laid violent:hand, onhimfelf. Neither

are the Grl and Latin Dra-

SS S without their prophane Flights, and wick-lay, hear how Awfi*,

thai: great Fa-

the dWch, in thefe Words Non

Travels thro E N G LA N D. 7fed per I)AC verba turpitude ifla covfdentius pei-jfetratur.Conief. lib T. cap. 16 condemns the followingLines of Terences Eunuch, Adi 3, Scene 5.

talvlam qucmdam pitfam, vbi

ra b&c, Jovem<jHio patto DamA mjijfe aiunt quondam In gremhtoimbjem aiiienm

Egomet quoque idfpetfare c&pi, &c.

In fhort, no good Manners can be acquired onthe EngUJI) Stage, by feeing an A6tor going a Tiptoe, in Derifion of mincing Dames ^ fometimes

fpeaking full mouth d, to mock the CountryClowns*, and fometimes upon the Tip of the

Tongue, to feoffthe Citizen ? that thus,by the Imi

tation of all ridiculous Geftures, or Speeches, in

all Kinds of Vocations, they may provoke Laughter. When Stages were firft fet up in Rome, itwas accounted infamous to frequent them^ andin England, Players, both Men and Women, arereckon d fo fcandalcus, that tho they ftile them-felves his Majefty s Servants, yet the Statute

Law terms them Vagabonds: "Indeed they are1

foinfamoufly wicked, that one who never faw" them in this Life, may neverthelefs at the Re-

.

"

furreclion, know their Bodies and Souls are Fel-w

lows} infomuchthat as the Pla)r-Houfe in Dm-

* e

ry-Lane has been burnt once already, it would"

be a Mercy rather than a Judgment, if God"

vouchfafed to finite them once again.The Audience in the Upper Gallery is general

ly composed of Lawyers Clerks, Valets de Cham-bre, Exchange- Girls, Chamber-Maids, and Skip-kennels, who at the laft Adi are let in gratis, inFavour to their Mafters being Benefactors to theDevil s Servants, The Middle-Gallery is taken up

by

8 The COMICAL PILGRIM Sby the midling Sort of People, as Citizens, their

Wives, and Daughters, and other jilts, who makeit their Bufinefs to let out their Commodities in

Fee-tail, to the firft Cully (he picks up, after

Play is over, for a fmall Treat, and twelve Pence

dry. The Boxes are fnTd with Lords and La

dies, who give Money to fee their Follies exposedfcy Fellows as wicked as themfelves. And the

Pit, which lively reprefents the Pit of Hell, iscramm d with thofe infignificant Animals called Beaux, whole Character nothing but Wonder3iid Shame can compofe^ for a modern Beaux

( you muft krw ) is a pretty neat, phantafticalOutfide of a Man ^ a well digefted Bundle ofcoftly Vanities ^ and you may call him a Vo-Inme of methodical Errata s bound in a gilt Cover. He s a curioufly wrought Cabinet full ofShells and other Trumpery, which were much better quite empty, than fo emptily full. He s aMan s Skin full of Prophanefs, a Paradife full ofWeeds

5a Heaven cramm d full of Devils, or

Satan s Bed-Chamber, hung with Arras of God sown making. He can be thought no be ter thana Promethean Man ^ at beft but a Lump of animated Dirt kneaded into Humane Shape-, and ifhe has any fuch Thing as a Soul, it feems to be

patch d up with more Vices than are Patches ina poor Spaniard s Cloak. His general Employment is to fcorn all Bufinefs, but the Study ofthe Modes and Vices of the Times , and you maylook upon him as upon the painted Sign of a man

hung up in the Air, only to be tofs d to and frowith every Wind of Temptation and Vanity.As for his Apparel, he endeavours to that allfhould appear new about him, except his Vicesand Religion ^ he s too much in Love with thefeto change them , befides, the latter of them he

cannot

Travels thro E N G LA N D? 9cannot change, becaufe he never had any,When you look upon his Cloaths, you will beapt to fay, he wears his Heaven upon his Back $and truly ( tis much to be fear d ) you fee as muchof it there, as He ever ihall, Heistrick d up infuch Gauderies, as if he was refolv d to make his

Body a Lure for the Devil ^ and with this Bra

very would make a Bait ihould tempt the Temp*ter to fall in Love with him. By this Varietyof Fafhions he goes nigh to cheat his Creditors $who for this Reafon, dare never fwear him to bethe fame Man they formerly had to deal withal.His Draper may very well be afraid to lofe himin a Labyrinth of his own Cloth, which fits, or

hangs ( fhall I fay ? ) for the moft part fo loofelyabout him, as if it were ever ready to fly away,for Fear of a Bailiff

His Language and Difcourfe are altogether fuit-able to his Garb and Habit, all affeded and apifh,but indeed, far more vile, finful, and .abominable. When he talks, why then his Time-obferv-ing Hand and Foot do fo point, accent, and adornall his phantaftick Flourifhes, that his Words areoften as much loft in his A&ions, as his Senfein his Words: Withal ufing fooli(h ExpreiTions, as{tab my Vitals, run me through the Diaphragma,pafitively ( not pofitively ) it is fo and fo ^ fpeak-ing as effeminately, and Molly-like, as the//Hj-xotes, who fay, as you may fee in Lillys Grammar, Nyvc for Nwtc, Tync for Tune. By Degreeshe fteps from Idlenefs and Emptinefs, Fooleryand Drollery, to Scurrility and Obloquy ^ fo thatif his black Breath could blow out, or eclipfethofe Lights that fhine brighteft, we fhould nothave one Star left in Virtue s Heaven ^ and thofe

Lights which were once lent into the World, to

guide him timely and truly out of it into a bet*

:jo The COMICAL PILGRIM Ster, he firft endeavours to extinguifh, that fo he

may, without Check or Shame, wander thro3

all

the Works of Darknefsinto Hell. Alas! he feesno fuch Lovelinefs in the Things above, as mayoblige him to the fubmiflive Courtfhip of fayinghis Prayers below $ and yet is fo confident to

enjoy Heaven at laft $ as if he thought God wouldfee beholden toihim for accepting his Bleffings $or (as fome foolifh Lovers take Occafion to double

their AddreiTes from the Unkindnefs of a coyMiftrefs) God would the moreearneftly impbr-lune him to be fav d, the more difdainfully helooks upon Salvation. If ever he appears at

Church, it is but to meditate upon the Ladies, asthey fit in their Sunday s Beauties-, and then hereturns from the Houfe of God, as moft who gothither with no better Intentions, nay ten Timesmore an Atbeift than he went.

The Theatre in the Hay-Market is his fole

Delight, where half a Guinea is given for an

Italian Song, fung in a new Opera by feme, fo

reign Eunuch, or Jilt, with fuch Quivering, that

the Words are loft and confounded with more af-fefted Noife than Harmony. Or elfe he pafleshis Time away ( as above hinted ) at the Play-Houfes in Driiiy-Lane, or Lincoln s-lvn Fields, to

cgle an impudeut Adtrefs, or fome female Dancer,who crane s her Neck with fuch various Motions,that one would think me was going to break itwithout the Affiftanceof a Hangman., Or if he isnot at thefe Places of Pollution and Wickednefs,the Tavern he then makes his Exchange ^ wherehe endeavours to drink himfelf fo far into a

Beaft, as if it was his Defign to become therebyincapable of Damnation, except he be forc d to

fleep out the laft Night s Intemperance j and

thinks himfelf a Champion, when lie can kicktwo

Travels thro9 E N G L A N b; i i

two down Stairs at once, the Drawer and his Bottle $ and found the Alarm to the Skirmiih, in a

loud Peal of new-fafhion d Curfes. After all is

done there, he walks the Streets as light in his

Head, as his Purfe , and much oftner falutes the

Pavement than the PaiTengers. The Beau hatesno Name fo much as that of a Cbriftian, he is a-fraid it would make him melancholy : He travelsover the wide World of Sin, till he hath as little

Money as Religion, and no more Credit than Money , whereby he is ufually at laft conftrain deither to lie hid, and fo become his own Prifo-

ner, or to pawn his Body to the Marihal of the

Kings Bench Prifon in Southwark, or the Wardenof the Fleet; for his Chamber 5 or elfe, to becomea Citizen of the World, and fo at laft is everywhere at Home, becaufe he is indeed at Homeno where. In fine, I never faw an affeded Beauhave any Bravery 5 which makes me think theyare related to a certain Attorney, who once refen-

ting my fending an affronting Letter to his Sweetheart, had not the Courage to draw his Tilter,when I ex tempore fpoke to him the followingLines :

Know, Szr, that I was really bred and born

To lajl) the Vices of the Age ^ and fwornTo lampoon Beaux, and Jilts ^ and to condemn

What Pulpits, nor the Stage dare not contemn :So Anger , Frank, can no Redrefs afford,For to defend my Pen, fee heres my Sword.

Now think I with myfelf, if this be the Wayof London^ Drinking, Gaming, and Whoring $ I lle en retire into the Country, where I thought wasmore Simplicity and Honefty among the Rufticksthan the Citizens

>

but I found myfelf miftaken,C 2 for

i2 The COMICAL PILGRIM Sforgoing toDeptford, I perceiv das muchDrunken-nefs among the Tarpaulins, as among the Admirers of Geneva, at the Frenchman s Bob -Shop,or dirty-Face Dick in the Strand-, but however,the Tarpaulin s Froes of this Place, as well as at

Trapping, are pretty virtuous, thro their Hujbanfsmaking them go without Smocks, to prevent their

Neighbours from taking up their Wives Linnen. Fromhence, I went to Greenwich-Park, where I foundas many Affignations made betwixt Whore andCully, as in St. James\ or Hyde Park. Here wasas much Lying by the Fops in Praife of their Mi-ftrefTes, as is among Lawyers ^ as much Flattering, as there is at Court $ and as much Diflem-bling, as in a Prejbyterian or Anabaptift Meeting-Houfe-, a Folly, which I muft own, I have been

formerly guilty of mvfelf, when I fent to ayoung Gentlewoman this amorous Petition, forFlattery is the only Bait to decoy the coyeftVirgin in England.

Harmonious Numbers now my Mufedoesfnd,To Jing the choice/ of your precious Kind.

Thy Wit, as well as Beauty, lovely Dame,

Whofrft my Breaft,and more than Wealth, or Fame,Exerts my Soul^ and is my conftant Aim.The genuine Blufies that your Cheeks adorn,Were ravijftdfrom the Rofe, or crimfon Morn ;The Perfian Infefls laboring, wrought with Care

The JJenderJilken Threads that form your Hair ^The clear, quick Luflre of your piercing Eyes,Was fiot from Diamonds, or thefpangled Skies 5Vermilion Coral left its ozie Bed,To fluff) your balmy Lips with glowing Red ;To frameyour Teeth,choice Pearls did crowding come>Eachfrom itsfecret Cell in Ocean s Womb :

Arabian

Travels thro ENGLAND. 13Arabian Sweets did all their Stores transfer.Andfedfrom Home, to breath inyou, bright Star.Eden once flourijlid like your blooming Face,Tow Shape, your Mem, and unaffected Grace,From Heavn thefrft of Females once poffejid9Created as a Pattern to the reft :

From Spring your Gaiety, from calmejl BrooksWas wafted the Serenenefs of your Looks $Sweet Philomel, as fie departing, Jung,

Bequeath d the Mufck of your flvsr Tongue;The Down of Swans, and Lillies, or the gayAnd fragrant Bloom that crowns theyouthful May,To frame your Skin, did gracefully unite

Their yielding Softnefs, and unblemijlfd White:

The vaft Cerulean Sky, Earth, Sea, and Air,Did then combind, and various Stores prepare(At Heavens commanding Call ) to frameyoufair.They framd you of their rarejl Treasuresjoyrid,And in the Mould an AngeTs Soul unflmnd.Therefore, fair Virgin, whofe moft dazling Charm*Can Saints and Anchorites bring to your Arms,Let us this Day, for zYs a Law divine,Offer our mutual Hearts on Cupid s Shrine $

Revel, whilfl living, in the Joys of Love,Like thundering Jove, and other Gods above ;

-

For if we flight bright Venus whilfl we ve Breath,There ll he no Thoughts of loving after Death,

But being foon tir d of Greenwich, I proceededon my Pilgrimage to Gravefend, where, ( and atStroud, Rochefter, and Chatham ) the Vintners, Inn

keepers, and Victuallers, are more extortioningthan any Pawn-Broker, who has the Honefty totake no more than Cent, per Cent, for what Moneythey lend. Hereupon, bidding adieu to the

County of Kent, I rambled through the Countyof Surry^ but it being AffizeTime when I^ar-

riir /l

i4 The COMICAL PILGJRIM Sriv d at Kivgjlon upon Thames^ I found I was

leap d out of the Fryingpan into the Fire, forProvifions and Lodging were then as dear as aSuit of Law in Chancery ^ fo that I rid forthwith into the County of Sitfjex, where I faw no

thing but a Parcel of Bumpkins and Milk-Wenches returning all home, as drunk as David s Sow,from a Country-Wake. Thence, I went into

Hampfoire, where Rufticks are as fat as their

Hogs ^ arid as liquorifh as thofe who buy their

Honey. In this County is Southampton, wherethe Sword of Sir Bevis is held in as much Veneration by the Towns People, as a Piece of Paperwora by

J

Prentice-Boys, and Servant-Wenches onValentine* Day. Hence, I went to Portfmouth, betwixt which Place and Hell, the Soldiers garri-fon d here fay, there is but only a Sheet of brown

Paper^ however, it is honoured by giving theTitle of a Dutchefs to Squintabella, alias Mada-moifelle Lovife de jjhierouattle. At this Sea- port,croffing the Water, 1 reached at the Diftance of

three Leagues, the IJle of Wight, and proceededto Cari/broofi Caftle, which inwardly, ( as well

as outwardly) is much out of Repair, efpeciallythe Room in which King Charles I. was con-fin d a Prifoner, a little before the horrid Murder perpetrated on him, the then prevailing Par

ty, who under a Stratocracy or Army-Power,brought him to the Block, and then confpir dto overthrow the well fettled Conftitution of

this Kingdom with Anarchy, and Confufion \which unparalleli d Piece of Villany incited meto write ex tempore on the Wall of that fatal

Place, the following Lines.

What Hifmal Horror, and as difmal Gloom,Invades the fallow d Silence of this Room !

Travels thro E N G L A N D. 1 5Where Majefty in Mourning fat\ to wait

The wrecked News of[ bis more wretched Fate^CmJl Spawn QJ Schifm ! to give thefatal Shock,Whichjent a King a Martyr from the Block.

The barbarous Aft, which fmote his Royal Head,Our Calendar s jfrail ever die with Red,To paint the Overthrow of tV Church and State,In the rebellions Times of Foily Eight.

My Mufe, with the flwill Eccho of thefi Trails,For Vengeance on the bloody Nation calls ^And weeps, till fruitful Albion is freedFrom ffo Fanaticks peftilwtial Breed $-dn ffpring fpriwgfrom that mojl odious Race,Whoje Hanging iffoitd the Tripple-Tree difgrace.The. Royal Captive here remamd in Tears,Till BradfhavV

1 doomd a Period to his Tears ^But new the injurd Saint in Peace does dwell^

Whilfl tho/e thatjudged him, burning are in Hell.

"ila

Getting crofs.-the Water again, from this dif-.mal Ifle, I no fooner fet Foot upon Terra frma,rbut I rrtade the beft of my Way for BerkJIrire ^.where I tcok a Survey of Windsor Gaftle, and^then

thought_myfelf as well qualifyP

d as any Knightof the Garter, to take a Pilgrimage whither i

pleas d: So with a full Body, and an empty Sto

mach, (for you muft know, we Pilgrims live not

very daintily ) I went into Wiltfhir-.e, where I asmuch admiral the Cathedral of Soli/bury, (as an

Antiquary, doth an old Tomb :, \vho will go forty Miles, and more to fee it) becaufe it containedas many Windows about it, as a German Countefsdid once Children in her Womb, which were juftthree hundred fixty five, the precife Number ofDays in. the. Year, unlefs it happens to be Bif-fextile or Leap-Year, which has one Day more,tknce, I went v/ith a light Heart, and a thin Pair

of

16 7be COMICAL PILGRIM Sof Breeches into Dorfet/l)ire 9 where being nothingremarkable to take Notice of, it came into myNoddle to make the following Acroftick on Nothing.

N othing was theftft Matter made the World ,O n Man eerjince nothing^ but Plagues are hurfd.T he Tye of Wedlock s nothing but a Snare:fi onour s like nothing but the empty Air.

I riihmen are nothing but Fools void of Senfe :

N othing is Sin but publick Infolence.G old ! Gold ! and nothing elfe quits the fence.

Next, I went a pilgramaeing into Devon/hire,which might be properly call d DevilJKre, for fee

ing how the Inhabitants would eat White-Pots redhot in a Manner, a Stranger would be apt to con

clude, they came from whence they have nothingelfe for their Food but Brimftone and Fire. Here

upon, I galloped ftrait into Cornwal, a County ve

ry plentiful of Wood-Cocks, not only flying in

the Air, but you fhould alfo fee them fmoakingor tipling in every Chimney-Corner, in Winter.

Thence,! rambled into Somerfetflrire, where, at the

JBath, I faw fo much Whoredom committed, thatI thought the Men, orWomen neither had Occafionto wafh themfelves in hot Water, when their Bodies were all on Fire befote , unlefs it was to

make an Experiment of that Aphorifm in Phy-fick, which fays, one Heat drives out another.

Not liking this Place, I took a Pilgrimage (I can t

fay Tour, or Progrefs. becaufe Pilgrims are not

Noblemen) into Gloucejterfiire, where I faw the Sins

of the People were as red as the Scarlet they die ,fo I foon (hook the Duft off my Shoes, as a Tefti-mony againft their Wickednefs, and went to Oxon.

No

Travels thro9 ENGLAND. I 7

T A

fooner was I enter d into Oxfordfihe, butI was in as longing a Condition, as the big-belliedWoman was for a bite of a Butcher s Arm, to feethe moft famous Univerfity of Oxford -, thinkingthat in that Academy and Nurfery of .Learning,I ihouid fee Piety, and Virtue, climb up to the

very Apex of Glory $ but too foon were myHopes fruftrated, for inilead of Religion and goodManners, I beheld nothing but Irreligion and

Prophanenefs ^ for the Scholars were fo far from

being religious, that they were afham d of no

thing fo much as that any mould have the Cha

rity to think them fo. They feem d to cry outupon Eve, for a lazy and dull Sinner j whilft in

every Oath they loudly fwore, that Soul not worth

damning, that could not fin without a Temptation. By their horrible and hideous Oaths theyfhew d, as if indeed they had this defperate De-

fign upon Almighty God, to render his facredName odious to the World, by taking it often intheir profane Mouths. Their chief Delight wasto dwell upon the fore Place of an obfcene Poem ^at the fame Time never commending the Poet,but for his Infirmities. Thofe Sparks calFd Gentlemen Commoners, were fo fantaftical and prodigal, that they walk d as if they went in a Frame -,next as if both Head and every Member ofthem turn d upon Hinges. Every Step theytook, prefented me with a perfect Puppet-Play^and Rome itfelf could not in an Age have fhew dmore Anticks, than one of thefe Blades was ableto imitate mr&lifa0fl Hour. Here thofe whohave Money enough allow d them by their Friends,learn., firft of all to make Choice of their boonCo,"

1 fc

lions, how to rail at the Statutes, andjail good Orders 5 how to wear a sraudv

DSuit,

18 The COMICAL PILGRIM SSuit, and a torn Gown * to curfe their Tutorsby the Name of Baal s Priefts, and to fell moreBooks in half an Hour, than they had boughtthem in a -Year ^ to forget the fecond Year what,perhaps for want of Acquaintance with the Vicesof the Place, they were forc d for a Pafs-Time

to learn in the firft, and then they think theyhave Learning enough for them and their Heirsfor ever.

Thought I to my fell, if this is Oxford, theDevil take the Collegians and Citizens too, for

there was never Barrel the better Herring betwixt

either of em $ one was full as bad as the other^fo I e en made the beft of my Way into Buck-ivgbamjlrire, where, at Eaton College, finding the

Scholars to have more Guts than Brains, and lefs

Learning and good Manners than either ol the

two, Utmm borwn mavis accipe, as you may feein Syntaxls. I rambl d through Oxfordf/iire, againInto WurceflerJIme, where I obferv d nothing material, but poor Skeletons of Men and Women,knitting Mittins and Stockings ^ and Children,both Boys and Girls, fmoaking Tobacco, in Pipesas black as their Faces, and about an Inch in

Length, for a Breakfaft. Hence I went into

HerefordJIwe, where I thought myfelf under the

fame Punifhment, as Tantalus waswhen in Hell, forthe Hedge-Rows all along the Roads, being fullof Apple-Trees, the Apples would bob at myMouth, but I could not catch em, which I think

was tantalizing me with a Ye.lgtdnce.I had not been long in this County, before I

fteer d my Courfe for WavwicliJInre, where in. theCity of Coventry, I was fhew d the wooda/Teft^6of a Cobler, which (as the People told me; -was

made to perpetuate the Memory of one of CrifpinsOccupa-

Travtfs thro E N G LA N D. 19Occupation, whofe Mouth watering to peep thro*his Garret Window, to fee the Lady Godivas Ay-forfootb, as fhe rid naked on Horfeback throughthe City, to releafe the Inhabitants from heavyTaxes laid upon them by her Hufband Leofric,he was ftruck blind for his Saucinefs of prefum-

ing to look at lac d Mutton. But above all, this

County glories much in that it gave Birth to

Guy Earl ofWarwick, who killing a fierce dun Cowupon Dunmoor-Heath, by Duncburcb, both whichPlaces (I fuppofe) take their Names from thisheroick Bravery , and for this Piece of Service

and other Exploits, as killing a wild Boar , his

Memory is alfo ftill perpetuated, as well as theabovefaid Coblers, in many Victuallers Signs, tothis Day.

Next, going into NortbamptonJInre, and Night

beginning to creep upon me, I began to be mighty Melancholly, as being all alone -, but as goodLuck would have it, I overtook a Cordwainer,who fas he told me) was newly recovered from afad Mifchance \ for walking carelefly one Day, he

happen d to have a Fall, and to fquat his Breech

upon a Hedge-Hog, which he carry d away as

cleverly (it clinging to his Buttocks) as if he hadfate upon a Ball of his Wax. Whether there isa Sympathy between a Shoemaker s Tail, andthe Skin of an Urchin, or whether the Briftlesof the Creature enter d the Pores of his Backfide,I lift not to decide that Controverfy now 5 but however, the Mortal complain d, that it was an unea-

fy CuOiion,and that that Spinny of Awls, had madea Cullender of his Backfide. But being not muchconcern d at the Cerebrofity of his fcievy Bum, theEyelet-Holes whereof being not very deep, wewent together, till we came to a Church, ftand-

D 2 ing

The COMICAL PILGRIM Sing like an Ace, and moping by itfelf, at fomeDiitance from a* little Village *, which, whether

it ran from the Parifh, or the Parifh from it, Iwas not then informal , though I have moil Rea-fon to fufped the latter, in Regard as to outward

Appearance the weak Conftitution of the Fa-brick feenul not much to be addided to run. Itfeeiml to be very crazy, and had a Muffler of

Ivy, which I prefume was inftead of Crutches-,for whereas that feeble Vegetable is ufually upheld by the Walls it clings to, I believe it was aButtrefs here to fupport the Walls. But havingfaddenM ourAfped with the melancholly Looks ofthis defolate Temple, we took our leave of it, andfliot diredly into the Village ^ at our firft Saluta

tion whereof we chanc d to p :p into a dapper Ale-

Houfe, mightily ftuft with a huge Hoftefs, whofeMoiflure diftilling through the Pores of her Body,and being fomewhat turn d through exceilive

Heat, ftruck our olfadive Nerves with fo greata Sbwernefs, that we had quite been overcomewith this Veilel of Vinegar, had (he not too

much jogg d herfelf by an unhappy Fall, and fpilta great Quantity of her unduous Liquor. TheShoemaker conjedur d ihe had loft about fiveor fix Pounds Avoirdupois, from her Rear, and

prefently concluded ihe was in great Dangerof hanging all a-one-Side, unlefs fome charitable

Perfon fhould help her with Thruft of affiftingNofe. We had fcarce prinVd our Pipes, but incomes a Law-jobber, accompanied with a Bum-Brufher, or School- Mafter ot the Place, who, af

ter fome Time, took Occafion to try their Skill and

Breeding at Fiftycuffs, but (Thanks to theStars)w tho t any Danger to their Profeflions ; for theydid not fo much Aim at the Head, as level their

Firy

Travels thro9 E N G LA N D. 21

Fury at each others Heels, where their Know

ledge was not fnppos d to lie, tho fome there heldthat they had as much Learning at one End, as

they had at t other.

At this blind Alehoufe, I and Crifpins Difci-

ple lay one Night, whence, we fojourn d together into Bedfordflrire, till we came to Diw/}ableya Town builded by King Hemy .1. to bridle theOutrageoufnefs of- one Dun, a notable Thief, fromwhom it takes its Name. Here, Mr. Snob having a Miftrefs, and being almoft within the

Atmofphere of her Prefence, began to wind her,and had a great Tendency to the Place were (he

was-, fo that I might as foon expert a Stoneto fall beyond the Centre, as that this Gentle-Craftfman fhould budge further ^ wherefore, no

thing was expected now, but an immediate Divorce from each others Company , but before weparted, he oblig d me with the ProfpecT: both ofher Perfon and Fortune. As for the firft, as fbonas I faw it, I had greater Reafon to congratulatemy Eye- fight than before ^ for me was bleft withthe moft ravifhing Afpecl, and a fnug Face, moft

prodigioufly grac d with a dainty fine Nole, fa-ften d in the Middle 5 which was not like fomeSnouts that look more upon one Cheek, than

they do upon the other, but fhew d equal Prof-

peft to both, not at all difobligingthe K.ight, byfleering too much orithe Left. And then for herEyes, they are excellent at twiring, and would

(I warrant you) be fure to keep theNofe fafe,for one look d one Way, and the other, another.The Woman had a Mouth too, which was fome-what bigger than that of a Blunderbufs, tho

3

nottwice as big as the capacious Bore of a WmclefterQuart-pot. This Mouth, {he put but to one Ufe,

and

22 The COMICAL PILGRIM Sand that s the fame we put ours to, that is, toeat three or four Meals in a Dayj for it feems,whereas other Women often ufe theirs in Prating and Twatling, we perceiv d, that thisfav d her Mouth, and fpake through the Nofe.As I have given you the Pidure ot her Perfon,fo now I ll prefent you with a Landikip of herFortune. As for her Lands, that is, Pafture-

Ground, and Meadow, we could not difcern,but that (like a Spot upon the Globe) theytook but little Room upon the Surface of theEarth , and ( like the Poffcflions of Alcibiades )were but a little Speck to the World. A littleMuck would dung her Fallow $ one high TableT---(to fpeak in the Oxford Dialedt) wouldmuch enrich it, and an Ear of Corn would gonear to fow it : Tis like, (he had Grafs enoughfor a Couple of Rabbits. Having furveyed the

Paramour, and the Portion of this fnivellingCobler, after a Treble go-down out of a Tin-Pot,a right Line Scrape with Left-Leg, and uncouth

Doffing off a bad Bonnet, I return d his Cobler-

fhip Thanks for his Society, and folemnly tookLeave of my Fellow-Traveller.

After this Departure, I was forc d to beguile

away the Time in the Ihady Solitude of filent

Thoughts, which, before, I fpent in the briiker

Entertainments of Difcourfe and Dialogue. At

length I came into Cambridge/lure, fome Partswhereof feem d to be a little Arabia of Sand, e-

nough (as I thought) to fupply all the Hour-Glafles in the County $ nay, perhaps, and thatof Time too, till the laft Minute. Arriving atthe LTniverfity of Cambridge, I lay at Jefm College, in the Garden of which Place, I difcover d a-

mong fome Ruins,the Snout;and fome other Limbsof

Travels thro9 E N G LA N D. 23

of a mureler d Dial , )ret it was not fo defac d,but that I could difcover in its Phyfiognomy,fomemartynl Figures, that were yet legible, and therewere fome Reliques of Lines, that were not quiteobliterated by Tatie, who, I prefume, being vextthat it fhould obferve his Motions, had out of En

vy and Malice, thus far fet his Grinders in it, todeface it. Here, the Students, at Oxford, wouldbe as drunk as any Woman, outfwear a Lifeguard-Man, or Hone- Grenadier , and eat, drink,and lie with any Body. But when I faw wholeShoals of great hulking Fellows, in fbch raggedGowns, that our London Bunters would fcorn to

pick em up, flocking about the Kitchen-door*fome with Bafons, fome with Porringers, fomewith Pipkins, fome with Pans, fome with Cham-ber-Pots, and fome \vith their very Caps, to

beg College Broth $ I thought the Scene a verylively Reiemblance of poor Lazarus, begging forthe Crumbs which fell from the Table of Dives.

Hence, I went into Himtingdonffiire, which is a

very proper County for unfuccefsful Lovers tolive in

,for upon the Lofs of their Sweethearts,

they will here find an Abundance of Willow-Trees,fo that they may either wear the Willow green,or hang themfelves, which they pleafe ^ but thelatter is reckon d the beft Remedy for flightedLove. Paffing through Godmanchefter, I rambledto J^atfordin fe?t/on^zYe, near which Town, formerly Rood Langley-Abbey, the Birth Place ofNicholas fii e.tkfiear. who in the Year i T 54, beingadvanced to the Papal Dignity, affum d the Nameof Adrian IV. and tho he had been a poor Ser

vant, was (o proud, as to excommunicate an Emperor of Germany, a Sicilian King, and the Senators of Rome , for thefe Popes are fawcy Fellows,

when

24 ib* COMICAL PILGRIM Swhen they come to wear triple Crowns, as Kingsof Heaven, Earth, and Hell ^ which laft Place,they have enjoy d by Hereditary Right and Suc-

ceffion, many Ages before the Reign of PopeJoan.

Going next into Effex, which is asfubjecl: to

Agues, as the Hundreds of Dtwy is to the Pox,and the whole County much noted for its excellent Calves, but the biggeft of that Sort of Cattle are the Inhabitants. I pafs d through Colcbe-

Jter, and crofiing the County, got into Stafford-Jlrire, where being inform d at the City of Lkb*

feld, that the Thief-taker- General of England firft

receiv d his damn d ftinking Breath it that County , I did not care for ftaying long there, for

Fear, the Change of this Air fhould make me asvile, and double corrupted a as himfelf.In cafe it (hould be this Fellow s good Fortune todance at Tyburn, betwixt Heaven and Earth, as

being unworthy of either, the Ordinary of New

gate may give this Account of him in his dyingSpeech -, how that his Parentage was very ob-fcure and mean 5 his Livelihood at firft was ob

taining Charity from Milk-Maids, and other

Country Lafles, by fqueezing pretty Ditties out ofthe Womb of a Bladder, with a Piece of Packthread } and if he fhould prove fo harden d at the

Gallows, as to make no larger ConfefHon of him

felf, fet him down (like Paul Lorrain) obftinate. In

fine, he had fuch a bad Charader among his own

Country-Men, that feme faid, it was great Pityhe had not been hang d as foon as he was breech d ^whilft others reply

5

d, that he ought never to die,but be toCs d from D -1 to D 1, till therewas no Hell left to tofs him in any longer.

I foon

Travels thro E N G L A N D: 25I foon made the beft of my Way into Sbrop-

Jl)ire, where, at a little Town, or rather Village,call d Woor, happened a fad Misfortune

-

3 for a cer

tain Glafs-Cafe, by Reafon of the Rudenefs oftwo lufty PufTes, but whether affrighted at their

CatterwauJiijg, or it being not able to bear themin the Ads of Love, I cannot tell which, butcertain it was, it let go its Hold, and after a dif-

mal Mannercame blundering down, attended withthe Ruin of feveraljiggumbobs, andjimcracks, asthe Ivory Gums of a toothlefs Comb, a littlebottle-brecch d Glafs replenifh d with Love Powder \ a Brace of blind Needles, that loft their Eyesin the Fall ^ a double Scut of a Kare ty d up witha fingle Packthread \ the latter End of an old

Broomftick} the Butt End of an old Sugar-Loaf jthe true Lovers Knot made in Wire, a fquare bitof Tin, the Margin of a broad Hat, one Finger-Stall, two Taggs, a Fefcue made of Brafs Wire, acrackM Glafs with a Club-Foot, the Skin of anOnion ftuft with Arfenick, and one Whisker of abearded Arrow. But as one Misfortune feldomcomes alone, fo this was attended with another,for a young Salopian La is who was the Proprietorof thefe Things, took the Accident of them fomuch to Heart, that fhe very decently hang dherfelf, to the no fmall Comfort, to be fure, of her

Parents, who had fix or feven Children, befidesthis unhappy Daughter, whom nobody couldblame for this Piece of Rafhnefs ^ for is it not a fad

Thing to lofe fo commodious a Place, to lay prettyThings in, and all by the Mifdeme^nour of two

unmannerly Cats ? For where could this poorCreamre afterwards have laid her Gaily-Pots,Gums, and Pomatum ? Had thefe Moufehunters

only eas d Nature there, and then jingerly deparrE ted,

26 The COMICAL PILGRIM Sted, they had been very excufable ^ but firft .tocome (lily into a Ladies Chamber, and then to

fquabble and fall out there, and in the Midft oftheir Quarrel to purfue one another to the Top of

Shelf, and there to renew the Battle again, andto box one another till they fell themfelves, anddemoliftul that very Thing which fupported themin their bickering, as the Fool in the Fable faw doff the Bough he fat on, Oh ! this is a very fadThing indeed , and would make any other youngWoman, who had no more Senfe then fhe, hangherfelf likewife.

But bidding Adieu to the proud Salopians, Iwent into Cbejlrire, where the Towns ending much

upon the Wich, as Nantwicb, Middlewicb, North-vlch

-,I thought they affected the Dutch Way of

putting one Same to the End of their Towns, asRotterdam, Schiedam, Amfterdam, and fo forth.

In the City of Cbejler, I happen d to lie at a

Phyfician s Houfe, whofe Pretences to Learningwere very great, but by our Converfation, Ifound him to have more Stomach than Brains,and therefore was more like to have more Con-folation in tbeKitchin, than in a Study-, for there,

perhaps he might find a Jobb of Work for hisGrinders , whereas he knew not what to do withhis Books, unlefs he Ihould ad the Moth, and eatthem. I perceiv d his Parts to lie more towardsthe Powderingtub, than his Pharmacopeia $ forwhilft he was bufy in the former, he might keephimfelf alive, but when he read in the latter,he would kill his Patients. We had fome roaftBeef for Supper ; and I commonly found himwithin an Inch of the Dripping-pan, with an Acreof Bread in his Hand, which he callM a Sop,and with it, when my Back was turn d, he ufu-ally fpung d up the Dripping, whereby he chea

ted

Travels thro9 ENGLAND- z 7

ted Sir-Loyn, and robb d his Knighthood of its

due Moifture. Hence, I went into the County of

Northumberland, where I found Newcaftle, almoft

entirely furrounded with Coal Pits, whence feeing

Myriads of Men, as black as Old Nick, afcendingout of the fubterranean Shops, upon the Surfaceof the Earth, I imagin d them to have been fo

many Cyclops who had been helping Vulcan to forgeThunderbolts for Jupiter. Not liking the Con-verfation of thefe EngliJI) Negroes, I ftept over the

River Tine into the County of Durham, where,in the City bearing the fame Name, I lay one

Night ^ and next Morning taking my Leave ofmy Landlady, about half a Mile from the Town,I faw a Church-Yard, where was a whole Herdof Swine a routing, as if they had beenturn din on Purpofe to root up Chriflians, as they are inthe Fields in Italy, to dig up Turtles. A littleWall lay fculking abouF this Territory of the

dead, which I fuppofe, was plac d there as a Bulwark to their Alhes $ but it prov d but a feebleFence againft the Intrufion of the Lambs, whomade frequent Capreols into this filent Dormi

tory : The Mound was raised a little, capt withTurf, and ehviron d with the Hollownefs of a

good handfome Ditch ^ but yet, neither Cap, norDitch could keep thefe Animals from leap-frogging over them, from grazing in a Charnel-Houfe, and from turning a Ccemitery of Shades,and Ghofts into a feeding Pafture of hungryBealrs.

At laft, I got into Tork/I)ire, where, beyondNorthallerton, meeting with a Herdfman, I wasalmoft frighted out of my Wits, for this Fellowwss a ftrange Creature, wonderfully GotWd, and

even to Barbarity itfelf. He wasE 2 really

28 The COM ic A i PILGRIM Sreally a Clown in grain, an uncultivated Boor,a Beaft of the Herd in Humane Shape. I pro-posM a Query or two about the Genius of the

County-, he told me the Soil was cold, and bigwith Clay, and would doubtlefs yield a goodHarveft of Tobacco-Pipes :, and as for the Inha

bitants, he faid, they were a Pap-Pudding Sort of

People, much addided to that vile Sort of Creature. As he faid, I faw a whole Table at a

Chriftening, fpread with a Yard of Pudding,and a Balk of Beef, a Ridge at one End and a

Furrow at the other ^ which did fo wonderfullywork upon the Chaps of the Goffips, and maketheir Mouths water, that the Godfathers andGodmothers fell furioufly to Snouting for feme-

few Morfels} mean while the two ear d Pitcher,that flood upon the Bench, was Mr. Prymd in

Scuffle, that is, loft a Lug in the Fray ^ and as Iwas afterwards

1

informM, the Diftaff loft a Lockor two of its flaxen Perriwig. The Women ofthis Country are very coming, and are as greatBreeders, as any of our Evglifi ^itakers , and as

for the Men, they are naturally born Thieves,

being as dextrous Rogues at Horfe-Stealing as a

Serjeant at the Poultry, or J^oodftreet-Compter in

felling Minutes dearer than a Watchmaker. But

among rational Wonders in a Village, whereI fay, the moft remarkable WONDER wasan eminent Cot-Quean, a meer Woman in theHabit of a Man, a Kind of Mol Cut-PurfeCreature, an Epicene Animal of a twifted Gen

der, who had a Petticoat Soul in a trunk-breeched

Body, and fcandaliz d Virility, by Skill in Houfe-

wifery. He fpun (the Neighbours faid) like &

Spider, and made his Wheel giddy by a fwiftHe was a learned Craftfman in the ma

king

Travels thro ENGLAND. 29king of Diet, a notable Food-Framer, who buffeted Cream, till he frighted it into a Confiftence,and then knocking it into Butter, fqueez d itafterwards with Dexterity of Fifl. He was alfoendow d with the Gift of toffing Pancakes, andhad a wonderful Knack at tempering the Materialsof a Bag-Pudding, infomuch, that he furpafs d all

the Dairy-Maids in the Milk-Pan Accomplifh-ments , and was alfo excellently well qualify dfor a Meal-Tub Office. Here I tafted of the

Hofpitality of this foemafculine Wight, who

fpread ajointftool with feveral Sorts of Viands,which though not very delicate, yet the Varie

ty might attone and make amends for theirMeannefs. Here was the Epidermis of a Hog,the outward Skin, calFd the Sword of Bacon,which was infected with the Jaundies, for itlook d very yellow 5 next, was the Hull of aPefcod, plunder d of its Peafe, a.nd corn d withSalt ^ fome broken Fragments of Sheeps Trotters,St. Ldnrenc d on a Gridiron $ the minc d Spursof a bootlefs Cock, a fkin d Quadrant of foft

Cheefe, well fawe d with the Butt-ends of forkedScallions ^ and the mouldy Reverfion of an an

tiquated Loaf, dipt in the Verdure WatercrefTes

Pottage, which afforded me the Refrefhment ofa pretty Collation : After which I went to BeJ^and flept very found till next Morning. When,getting that Day, into Newark upon Trent, Not-

tinghamflnre, I was no (boner arriv d into the Navel of the Town, but I faw fuch an Alfembly ofProvifion as reprefented a Market, which was

unhappily diftufKd by an unfortunate Accident jfora certain Bull of an uncertain Man, havingirriftaken his Box, and taken Pepper in the Nofeinftead of Snuff, and being enrag d and heated

by

30 The COMICAL PILGRIM Sby Virtue of the Spice, took a frifk about theCrofs, and ernpty d by his Ramble all Stalls andPanniers-, fo that this brifk Cuftomer made a

fcrambling kind of Dinner for the whole County .5for the Mob, alias the civilized Rabble, was rid

ing upon one anothers Backs for Viands and Boo

ty, and was tumbling among the Ruins of Ba-kers, Butchers, and Coftermongers.

Hence I made a Pilgrimage to Grantbam in

Iwcdnjlnre, where a little out of Town I ever tooka Fellow, who began to ftrike up with his Pipe,and thinking he had but one, he prefently per-Ceiv d it to be multiply "d into an Organ, andwondered (with the Bumpkin that pmTd at theBellows) that he had fo much Harmony in him.For you mud know hereabouts dwelt a Thingcalfd an Eccbo, who as foon as fhe heard Sol, fa,whip! fhe improv d the Melody into Noife andConfort j prefently increafing thofe fingle Notesinto the whole Gamut

-,and moft neatly play d

the Wag with the Tail of his Voice, being a verypretty Songfter, that fings well by the Ear, But

leaving the Piper by himfelf to folaee with the

tatling Reverberation of Voice, I proceeded on

jiiy Journey into Rutland/we, the leaff County in

England, where at Oakbam, the Shire-Town, is a

Cuftom, that when a Nobleman comes on Horfe-bftk within its Precinds, the Inhabitants makehim pay the Homage of a Shoe from his Horfe,or take Money for it. And fo exorbitant is thisCuftom grown now, that if a Lady, be fhe as tallas long Meg of Wejlmmfter, or as fhort as the little

Woman, that was carried formerly about the

Country in a Box, as fat as the Royal Sovereignthe largeft firft Rate Fire-Ship that fails Dnn-y-

,and the narrow Seas contiguous to it, or

as

Travels thro9 ENGLAND. 31

as lank as Pharaotfs lean Kine, they would fwear

fhe was a Flanders Mare, and prefently take tollfrom her Foot. This Sharpneis hath made moilof the Riitlavdf/rire People, much addided to theVice of Theft ^ every Thing (licks to their pitchyFingers ^ and they have fuch an attractive Virtue*that wherever they come, all Things trot afterthe Magnetifm of their Perfons. A Fellow fquat-ing upon a Criket in a Room I was in, and rifingup from his Seat, the Stool on a Sudden (asif tackt to his Backfide) immediately march dafter him, to the great Amazement of the Woman of the Houfe, who did not fufpeft, that hisBum had Hands, or that her Stool fo nimblycould have us d its Legs. Another efpying a

Cylinder of Bag-Pudding pretty Thick in the

Wafte, lolling upon the Table, whilft the Hoftefsturn d her Back, in the very twinkling of her

Head, pocufs d it into Fob, and fo fhrouded itsDirnenfions into a fecond Bag. Moreover obferv-

ing a joulter headed Fellow, looking very wilh*

fully at rny Head, fearing he had fome Defign upon what few Brains I had, to furnifh his ownempty Noddle ^ I prefently paid my Reckoning,and made the beft of my Way for London ^ whereI was no fooner arriv d, but perceiving moft Peo

ple murmuring at the great Indulgence then extended to the Dilfarters, I composed (at the earn

ed Requeft of fome Friends) the following Lineson Toleration.

Religion! Now a meer fantaflick Name,The Heathens Glory, but the Chriftians Shame*,A Cloak for Hyprocites, the Tool of Statc>And, to decoy dull Fools, the Levites Bait j

Tbj

32 The COMICAL PILGRIM SThy Luflre was not tavnijlid in the Time

When Vice was ill, and Virtue was no Crime ?

W hen holy Folks from Sin for Refugefad,And no Diffention in Opinions bred.

In the frjl Infancy of humane Race,

The World was overfiadowed with Grace ;

The very Light of Nature Goodnefs taught,

And bumble Vofries to the Altar brought 5

Where Hecatombs, no longer doomd to live,

Sincere Devotion did to Heaven give.

Again, the Jews were not f very blind,But they in Rites and Types cou d Bleffings find ,

Mofaic Cujloms, and Levitic Rules,

Was all the Doftrine of the Rabbins Schools :

In myftic Rites, and ceremonial Laws,

With GOD and Angels they cond plead their CaufeBut now the Temple-Veil is drawn afide,

Which did the Truth in Hieroglyphicks hide,

The great MeiHah, by a wonfrous Birth,

From Heaven came, to preach to Men on Earth 5

Wbofefacred Sermons flew^d the certain

How all the World JEHOVAH mujt obey:And by his feamlefs Garment we may fee,One only Faiih doespleafe the Deity.

Travels thro E N G L A N E>; 3 ^So Toleration s but a Wile, to draw

DifTenters from tfo Gofpel and tie Law 5

But none by fiich Indulgence mil be Jlmmmdy

But Fools, that will in fpite of Fate be d- d.

THE

THEComical PILGRIM,

j

O R,

Travels thro WALES. ,

AVING had a Suit of Law inChancery, which was loft thro myLawyers Mifmanagement, at the

Charge of twenty five Pounds outof Pocket, i could not forbear making the following Obfervations on

the Unhappinefs of thqfe eople who go to Law.Some are fo zealous to ruin one another, that

WeJlmnf.eY Hall is every Term made the Place ofDefinition. They fatten upon, worry and tearone another \ and he that gets the better, generally pays fo dear for his Vi&ory that he hadbetter have fat down by the Lofs. Not that Iwould, with the Sorinjaw, ftretch that Command

of

Travels thro9 WALES; 55

of our Saviour to his Difciples, to let the Coat goafter the Cloak, and make it a Sin againft the Gof-

pel, for Chriftians to go to Law, any farther, thanthat they fhould not contend for Trifles. Chrijti-

amty lays no Body open to be abus d, and impos d

upon, where a regular Remedy may be had. Itforbids doing as we would not be done by, and

obliges us to bearing and forbearing, rather thanto be litigious ; but takes away no Body s Property, nor gives

fo much Countenance to Injuftice,as to dilarm the opprefs d from recovering iheir

Right, Had going to Law been a Crime in it-felf, it had never been permitted to the Jews.

They were allow d it, and had Courts by divine

Appointment eredted for the Determination, ofwhat belonged to everyMan. And it is too much fora few finguiar DifTenters upon a Text, to take uponthemfelves the putting a Bar to Cbrijtian Liberty,which in all Ages has been admitted. Nor canwe fee here that thefe Precepts of the Sermon uponthe Mount, be confin d as fome would have them,to the firft Ages only: That what was legal inthofe Days, it is not the fame now. It feems tobe from too much Inclination to the World, fuchExpofitions have been fet up, that make a Difference in Times and Seafons, as if the Preceptsof the Gofpel were not always of the fame Obligation -, and we could excufe ourfelves in theContempt of them, bccaufe we are not the Per-fons they were immediately deliver d to.

Tho"

1

the litigious Humour of fome Men richly deferve a chargeable Remedy, there is yet aCommiferation due fometimesto their Antagonifir.A-Man may, whether he will or not, be engagedin thefe bloody Conflicts at the Suit of his Neigh-hour s Pride or Malice. And fince the mod peace,able Temper may be oblig d to complain of Op

F 2preffion,

CAL PILGRIM Spreffion, or anfwer the Charge of Picque and Re

venge , tis Pity but Juftice were to be obtainedat a cheaper Rate, and a flight Wound maybecur d without Amputation, which nothing but a

Gangrene can juftify. We could wifh the Lawwere lefs chargeable ^ that feeking Right werenot as bad as fuffering Wrong : That the Avenuesto Juftice were not to be fet with Robbers, that a

Man muft loie one Purfe to recover another, andbe ftript into the Bargain. Jujfice (we are told)fhould be blind, and fo we think fheis, when fhecan t fee the exorbitant Fees of her Attendants.

When to be let in and let out, cofts fo much Op-prefilon, nothing could have been feverer. Whenthe Man that s fummon d to anfwer in a litigiousSuit, muft go thro

1

fo many Toils, and be fo oftenfpung d in his Paifage, he might as well have

pafs d for Guilty, as pleaded Innocence : Likethe Chriftians in Turkey, who pay double Taxesfor their Religion, and hire infidel Moderationto connive at their Patriarch s Jurifdi&ion. Whythefe Imports were laid upon the Road to Juftice,\ve never could underftand. How that can bemade out, we are much at a Lofs. Which of theliberal Arts or Sciences thrives upon the Fees of

Door-Keepers ? Is copying and Abbreviation foeffential a Point to Learning, a Nation could

not have maintained a Character without it > Arefo many Lines a Sheet, and fo many Words in aLine, fo Mathematical a Subtraction of ones

Money, that the Credit of the Nation muft rifeIn Proportion to the Lofles of the poor Meagre,xvafted Culprit ? We are told too tis upon a politick Account, to prevent Contention : That themore difficult is the Way to Juftice, the morePeople are inclin d to be quiet, "if the Courts

were open to every Grievance, there would beCom-

Travels thro WALES. 37Complaints without End. A Hog could not gothro" a Stone Yard, but the Law muft be rais dagainft theTrefpafler. A Man could not be an Hourwithout a SitbpviM or Attachment, if there wasRoom for every Body s Impertinence.

3

Twould

prevent Contention as effectually, if the Perfon

in Fault were puniftYd ^ if paying fufficient Coft

to the Adverfary or Fine, were inflicted by the

Court upon a litigious Plaintiff, or roguiih Defendant.

As the Caufe (lands, the Law is a Weapon forthe Proud, and revengeful. Thefe may be inthe Right, at leaft have their Revenge, if their

Purfe be the longed. So chargeable have beenthe Methods of bringing Oppreflbrs to Account,fo expenfive the Armour to defend the Innocent,that one may think the firft Lofs had been thebcft, and the other wifti he had let the Coat goto him that had taken away the Cloak. There sa Revolution indeed of Kftates, and where the

Law has broke one Family, it has rais d another.If the Defolation the Law has made, were recorded, and the Enfigns of the Orphans and Widows were hungup, whofe forlorn Relations havebeen prefs d into the Service, there would be noFoorn for thofe brought from the Danube and

Ramellies. Tis true, much may be faid in Favour ofa miitaken Client, in Excufe of Ignorance, PaiTion,and the like : But where a Man engages in aCaufe palpably litigious and unjuft, he becomesa Party to the Injuftice, and deferves at leait

equal Punifhment with him he appears for. Thou

farveft a Thief, and confevtedjl wito him, is chargeable upon the Pleader, as a Perfon concern d.Should thefe Maintainers of Learning be merce

nary, and like Sergeants at the Compter , gape at

every Retainer ? Should they have an Indul

gence

38 r/^CoMiGAL PILGRIM Sgence to crofs-bite an Evidence, to abufe the Ad-

verfary, and rip up the Misfortunes of his Fami

ly, and belch a few Witticifms inftead of Ar

guments ? How ihall the World maintain Reverence to their Opinion ? How fliall we take themfor the Guides of Confcience, fet.afide the receive! Interpretation of the Law, and believe themwhen they Ciy, The Cafe is alter d ? I ihall fayno more upon this Point, but only ufe thefeWords of our Saviour, Woe unto you alfo, ye Lawyers : For ye lade Men with Burdens grievous to beborn, and ye \ourfelves touch not the Burdens with one

of your Fingers. Ifo unto you Lawyers : For ye have

taken away the Key of Knowledge : Te entered not in

yowfelves, and they that were entring in, ye kindred.

Being quitefurfeited with feeingthe Legerdemain,or hocus pocus Tricks of Madam Aflr&a. alias Juflice,the Day after Trinity-Term being, dreft with Aurora,nay before (he had put on her Indian Gown, I fetout with the San in order to take a Pilgrimage in

to Wales, who bearing me Company but littlexvhile, withdrew into an Appartment behind a

Cloud, at whofe Ablence, the Heavens frowningand contracting their Brows, did prefently fall

,a crying, and wept fuch plentiful Showers of

Tears that they moiftned my Skin with theDeluge of their Grief. At the End of 8 or 9Days, I reached IFales, which is the moft mon-ftrous Limb in the whole Body of Geography ^tor tis generally reported to be without a Mid-

file, or if it hath a Navel, it is 3^et a Terra in

cognita ^ for I never could find that ever anyMan dwelt there, the Natives confeifing them-felves only Borderers. Surely the Reafori whythey do fo much affed the Circumference of their

Country, and abominate the Centre, is, becaufe.

are afharru} of the Dominion 5 and indeed,tis

Travels thro WALES.3 9

tis a Sign they have but a little Kindnefs tor

their Nation, who (like unnatural Sons) run iromtheir Mother their Country, and when out of her

Embraces, i.ever return again. A Weljhmajf9when once abroad, hath no more Tendency Home,than a Stone an Inclination to fall upward:He will trot o er the Globe, and rather endurethe Affliction of any Exile, than the cruel Punifli-ment of being banifh d Home $ if he is once onthis Side Dee, neither Hunger, nor Hufks, nor

any Kind of Hardfhip {hall drive him on theother.

No fooner had I fet my Feet upon Tfrelfl) Turf,

but in a little Time I found the Country wastuckt in on all Sides with the Sea, except onthe Eaft, on which Part it was ditch d in from

England by that notable Delver, King O/Ii, Kingof the Mercians : Over this Dike, if any Welfoimnchance to fkip with his Sword by his Side, byKing Harolds Law, he was to lofe a Branch ofhis Body, I e. his right Arm was lopt off by theKing s Officers. Some think it had its Namefrom its Godfather Idwallo, Son to Cadwallader^who with a fmall Crew of Britons, at the Arrivalof the Saxons, hid themfelves in this Corner.Others fuppcfe them to be the Spawn of the

Garls, from whom they feem to be but a few Apsrem-Vd , ap Galloys, up Gauls, ap TFallois, dp Wales.

As for the Inhabitants, they are a pretty Sortof Creatures, which when I faw, I was fo farfrom ilroaking them with the Palms of Love,that I was almoft ready to buffet them with theFift of Indignation. They are a rude People,and want much Inftrndlion. Not one Jfeljhmanislharp, rznlefs his Mother happens to pour Vine

gar into his Ear, when young. When I confi-der the Soil from whence they fprang, and the

De&rts,

4o The COMICAL PILGRIM SDe farts* and Mountains wherein they wander,I cannot but think, that greater Pains fhould be

taken in cultivating and manuring, in difcipli-ning, and taming them, in Regard tis harder fora Bearward to teach Civility to the Beafts of

Afritk, tha;i thofe who come from a more mannerly Country. I have been inform d that theywere dug from a Quarry, and that they dwellin a ftony Land} fo that if we compare this

Kingdom to a Man, as fome do Italy to a Man sLeg, they inhabit the very Tefticles of the Nation.

And I pray what are thofe but the vileft of Creatures that breed as well in the Privities of the

greater Britift World, as thofe that are hatcht

in the Pudenda of the lefTer ? But whether Weljh-men are the Aborigines of their Country, as Crab-Lice are the Autottboves of theirs, and proceed

only (like them) from the Excrements of their

Soil, I (hall not here difpute. They are of aboorifh Behaviour, of a favage Phyfiognomy jthe Shabbinefs of their Bodies, and the Baotical-

nefs of their Souls, and that, which cannot anyotherwife be expreft, the Jfelcbnef* of both, will

fright a Man as faft from them, as the Odnefsf their Perfons invites one to behold them. Some

of them are fuch rude and indigefted Lumps, fofar from being Men, that they can fcarce beadvanced into living Creatures , nay they are fuch

unmanageable Materials, that they can fcarce be

hewn into the Shape of Blocks \ much Labourand Art is requir d therefore to make them Statues.

The whole Nation (like a German Family) isof one Quality .t fi>r as every Lord s Son is a Lord

in Germany, fo every one is nown d with theTitle of Gentleman htre-, fo that hur Countryis a good Pafture for an Heiaid to bite in. In

their

Travels thro WALES. 41their Travels they care not much that theirHorfes fhould drink with a Toaft, as appears bythe which a Shiwkin difcover d, whom his quaffing Beaft had pitch-poFd into a River. Udfplut-ter-a-nails quoth he in great Fury, what cannothur drink without a Toaft ? He took it much indudgeon, that the Jade fhould be fo bold as to

make a Sop of his Matter.The Materials cf his Apparel are ufually a

well fhagg d Freeze, fo that we cannot call it

fleepy, being fleec d with a Nap like any Sheep-Skin: It affords excellent Harbour to the Vermin of his Body, which whether it be ftccktwith Store of Joicements of them, he commonly fignifies by the Symbol of a Shrug. The Per-fedtion of a Weinmans Equipage, the Cream (asit were) of his Accoutrements, and that which

compleats ever his moft feftival Attire, is (as the

Story goes) an old Sword of hur nov/n breeding,which hur hath brought up from a Tagger : Andthis he can brandifh with much Valour againftthe tremenduous on-fet of dragooning Bees ; akind of Enemy which the Taffy is much afraidof, in Regard he is always arm d with a Pike in sReer, which once upon a Time fattening in hisForehead, broach d fuch a Pore in his Phyfiog-nomy, that he could never endure thofe hum-

buzzing Gentlemen (as he calls them) in yellowDoublets.

The Country is mountanious, and yields prettyHandfome clambering for Goats, and hath Variety of Precipice to break orres Neck^ which aMan may fooner do than fill his Belly, theSoil being barren, and an excellent Place tobreed a Famine in. It is reported of Cawftwia,that it was the moft noble Region in the

G World,

The COMICAL PILGRIM SWorld, the Air pleafant, the Soil fertil, theTheatre of Bacchus and Ceres, where they were at

fifty-cuffs for the Preheminence : But I perceiv dno fuch Scuffle in Wales ^ for thofe Deities are fo

far from fighting there, that I could not difcern

they were fo much as ever there -, there beingfcarce Water and Oatmeal to give a Man Being,I could not expeft Egypt and the Canaries Butsand Granaries to give me a well Being : Thereis no Canaan to be found in a Defart. As forthe Diet of a Briton, a good Mefs of Flummery,and a Pair of Eggs, he rejoyces at, as a Feaft,efy< dally if he may clofe his Stomach withtoalted Cheefe, for a Morfel of which he hatha great Kinclnefs. You may fee him pidtur d fome-tiines with that Crevice in his Head call d aMouth, charged at both Corners with a Crefentof Cheefe, and himfelf a Cock-Horfe on a red

Herring, and his Hat adorn d with a Plume ofLeeks : Good edible Equipage ! Which whenhunger pinches, he makes bold to nibble ^ hefirit eats his Cheefe and his Leeks together, andfor fecond Courfe he devours his Horfe. Buthe never much cared for a Sop, fince once upona Time it drank up all his Drink, and wouldnot club to pay his Shot.The Cambro Britons are great Admirers of he-

roick Adi Ions, anr1 much Honour the Memoryof

rTV. -us Aichitvements $ infomuch, that ra

ther than a dead- doing Man lhali perifh in Ob-livior, they will eternize his Memory by theMonument of a Straw, or fome fuch inconfidera-ble Trifle 5 as appears by the famous Exampleof that Saint of their Country, Bifhop David, whobeing a pert Fighter, and having foundly bailed

and fwadled their Foes, is at this Day confecrat.ed

Travels thro WALE s. 4 3ed to Pofterity by the Trophy of a Leek 5 andfmells as rank of Renown from that vegetablePrefervative that embalms his Fame, as theydo of a Scallion that carry it about for his Glory.Their Hats are fet with this anniverfary Badge,and Emblem of Honour and Triumph, on the firftof March

-,which Day hath been chriften d by

his Name, and being dubb d an Holyday, hathworn yearly a black Livery in the Almanack.

Neverthelefs, the Welchmen being curfedly thick-

fculFd, they are fo far from being Plotters, that

they fwear they will never fight tor any Kingupon Earth, but the Prince of Wales $ becaufethere can be no true Royal Blood running inthe Veins of any great Man, but what borrowshis Title from their Country, let him be bornwhere he will : And confidering \vhat wicked

plotting Times we now live in, no Body canblame them for their Cautioufnefs of being hang djfor tho it is a Death natural to them, yet theyfay, fleeping in a whole Skin is beft. Not that

they value hanging, but only they abhor the

Death, unlefs the Office is perform a by a Welch

Hangman, inftead of an Englljl) one.

They are much inclined to Choler, for hurWelch Plood is foon mov d, and then hur ftampand ftare, and fcrat hur Pole, and vent hur Fury in

Ud-fplutter-a- nails, and will fight for hur Life in

Battle at fifty-cuffs. They are polite in nothirgbut Faction and Sedition, for there are high andlow Church Parties among them too, which oc-cafions much Contention and Quarrels.The Mufick a Welchman plays upon, is a Tool

ftiled an Harp, with which, when Suftenancefails him, he flukes up for a Morfel, anAfo lives

G 2 by

44 ^ COMIC At PILGRIM Sby Sounds, and (Camelion like) hath Alimonyfrom Air. He ferenades Victuals in every Village, as the pide Piper did Rats at Hamel, andhe allures Luncheons after him, as much as theother did Vermin : Eere a Nob of Bacon wagsafter him, for one Strain , and there a Crufl follows

him, as the Reward of another , one hits himin the Mouth with the Payment of Pottage, another pops him in the Pocket with the Gratuityof a Carrot ;, all which Variety of Fragmentsis the moft ample Income, and wonderful Revenue of his Skill in Mufick, His ufual Admirersare Country Milk -Maids, whom Vibration ofString doth move and ftir into Jigg and Meafure ,and whom Breeze of Inftrument (like thofe inTail) do chafe and tickle into Dance and Caper.

I could not perceive that the Welch were guilty of much Learning, which made a Man ikill d inOrthography admir d as a Sophy ^ and a Writerof his Name, to be term d a Rabbi. As for theLoves of the Entom^ the Intrigues of their Amoursare not a little remarkable, they being very pretty Animals when difguis d with that Palfion :

They are Tinder to fuch Flames, being quicklyfet on fire, even by the leaft Spark, which whenit hath catch d the Match of their Souls (for theyhave Brimftone in them as well as in their Bodies)they are prefently kindled into Tranfport and

xtafy$ and thefe model them into the Shapesof a thoufand Antkks, and make them fhew moreTricks than old Prejlorfs Bears. Sometimes theyare fhaking the Globules of their Noddles, andfometimes dancing fome Geometry with the Fi

gures of their Feet , now they finite with Clapper of Fift their troubled Breafts, and anonfound out fome Knels of difmal Groans ^ being

varipufly

Travels thro WALES. 45varioufly affeded as the Weather is in their Clo-

rindas Faces j if Afpec"l be clear, then is Taffyferene , if broxv be cloudy, then is Morgan Showry.Whilft I was in this Country, I heard of a Welch-

man that went a wooing with a Gun upon hisShoulder, being refolv d (it feems) if Love bea Warfare, not to enter unarm d into the Campof Venus ^ ftill as his coy Daphne fhifted from his

Prefence, he march d mulketeering about the Room,and moft fiercely purfu d her, till at laft in thebrifk Encounter of a clofe Embrace, this warlike

Inftrument took an Occafion fomewhat unmanner

ly to go off, and blunderbufs d the Miftrefs onher Breech on one Side of the Houfe, and poorTafy on his Nofe on the other ; fo that beingmuch difmay d at this unhappy Accident, onefcrabled one Way, and the other another, to theutter fpilling of a Mefs of Love, and total Se

paration of a Pair of Lovers for ever.

They are pretty devout in their Worfhip, tho*the Exercife of Religion is fomewhat fcarce, andhave a pretty glowing Zeal, tho their Churchesare few, and at a great Diftance.

3

Tis almoft

incredible how far they are fain to trudge for alittle Homily \ which when they have expected,have been mump d with a Sermon ten Timesworfe. For on fuch raw-bone Livings, there cannot be expected very plump Parts. The ordinaryRevenue of a fpiritual Preferment may potfiblybe about five Marks per Annum , a Bay of Wat-

ling for a Dwelling, endow d with no more Glebethan juft what it ftands upon, only perhaps it

may be how-ftall d with as much Ground as mayhold a Sty for the Pig, arid a Rooft for the Pul-len. Thefe divine Cottages are ufually fituatedfojne Leagues from the Temple, fo that the

Holy,

46 Tbe COMICAL PILGRIM SHoly Man with Crab-Tree Truncheon fets outwith the Sun, and ftretches his Legs with a goodhandfome Walk, before he arrives at the Pulpit toftretch his Lungs, and wears out much of his Solesbefore he can reach his Stall to mend their Souls,Their Houfes of Prayer are generally thatcht Tabernacles, which are wainfcoted towards the Eaftwith little Defks, like Pounds, where Levite im-

prifon d for about half an Hour, fodders the poorTaffies with fome melancholy Tear-fetching Storyabout a grim Fellow call d Death, who amblesFolks on his Back into another World ^ a Thingwhich he heard from the oracular Gums of hisedentulous old Granurn, as {he fate on the Settle

in the Chimney-Corner. Some of the moft reverend Re&ors are dignify d with a Stipend of fixPounds a Year, befides the Perquifities of a Drumand Fiddle ^ which well manag d on a Holiday,make up a very pretty Thing. Others have an

Augmentation of a Bull or a Bear, which beingibletnnly baited about twice in a Quarter, do

pick pretty comfortable Tyth from the Spectators Pockets, and makes the poor Parfen s Purfeto fmile and mantle.

As f|r as I could perceive, the Welch Peoplelove Holiday Fingers, and care not much for

encumbring them with that Inconvenience call dWork, They can (Shepherd like) loll upon aCrook pretty handfomely in the Field, and can

difcharge a Superintendency over the Goats. Theyare moft accomplifh d Drovers, to which lauda

ble Function they ars fo naturally prone, that

they are apt to drive fometimes more than their

own. They are much addicted to the Sin of Nafti-

nefs, wallowing in Filthinefs like fo many Swine *fo that the whole Nation feems but a general

Sty.

Travels thro9 WALE s. 47

Sty. The meaner Sort of Women are generallyfuch draggle Tails, that the Cattle in their Bo-

ibms are quag-mir d in the Filth of their well-

glebTd Attire-

5fo that the frifking Fleas are fo far

from Levaltos, that I was verily perfuaded theycan fcarce pull out Probofcis, and their Feet from

the Bogs. The Tenements they live in are fuit-able to the Guefts that polfefs them , for as thefefeem to be Dirt moulded into Men, fo thofe arethe fame Matter kneaded into Houfes*, they are

ufually very humble Cottages, and low in Stature,fo that a Man may ride upon the Ridge, and yethave his Legs hang in the Diet. I was not fovain as to expert very fplendid Furniture in fuch

contemptible Huts^ but I foon perceiv d whatUtenfils were moft neceflary, a Dim-Clout anda Befom, and fuch cleanfing Implements are veryproper to correct the Filthinefs of their Manfions.

I found no Apartments in thefe their Habitations,every Edifice being a Noah s Ark, where a pro-mifcueus Family, a mifcellaneous Heap of allKind of Creatures did converfe together in oneRoom j the Pigs and the Pullen, and other BruteSeither truckling under, or lying at the Bed s-Feetof the little more refin d, yet their Brother Animals.

But that which I admir d moft of all amongftthem, was the Virginity of their Language, notdefiowerd by the Mixture of any other Dialed!:.The Purity of the Latin was debauch d by theVandals, and hunn d into Corruption by thatbarbarous People ^ but the Sincerity of the Britifb

Tongue remains inviolable.3

Tis a Tongue (itleems) not made for every Mouth, as appears byan Ewglijf} Gentleman one Day in my Company,who having got a WelJI) Polyfyllable into his

Throat,

48 The Comical Pilgrim s Travels.

Throat, was almoft choak d with Confonants,had I not, by clapping him on the Back, madehim difgorge a Guttural or two, and fo fav dhim. Whether the Welfi Tongue be a Splinter ofthat univerfal one that was ihatter d at Babel, Ihave fome Reafon to doubt, in Regard tis unlikethe Dialeds that were crumbled there. However,tis now cafhir d out of Gentlemen s Houfes, there

being fcarcely to be heard even one fingle WelfoTone in many Families ^ for their Children areinflrudted in the Anglican Idiom, and their Schools

are p^dagogu d with Profefibrs of the fame ^ fothat (if the Stars prove lucky) there may befome glimmering Hopes that the Britijf) Tonguemay be quite extinct, and may be EngliUfd out ofWales

^as Latin was barbaroufly GotVd out of

Italy.

But in fine, being quite out of Conceit with

the ihort Commons I met with in this Mountainous Country, which was much inferiour to thedelicious Dainties of Water-Gruel, Bread and

Butter, and Small Beer, allowed to the poor Lu-

naticks of Bedlam, after they come to pig in

Straw, and have their Heads fhav d as an Introduction to Phlebotomy, three or four Times a

Week, I e en bade adieu to the miferable Taffies^and made the. beft of my ^ ay to England again,to recover that Flelh in a plentiful Nation,which I had loft in a Land of meer Povertysmd Famine.

THE

THEComical Pilgrim s Pilgrimage

INTOSCOTLAND.

EINGreturned

out of Wales into England again, I was no fooner

got into London^but thro* an a-varicious Temper, I foon begaato haunt moft of the Gaming-Houfes in Town, which Day and

Night were as well cram d as the Groom-Porter s Table. In thefe Schools of inevitable Ruinand Deftruftion, I loft a great deal of Money,and when too late to recover it, I began feriouf.ly to refled with myfelf, that let a Man be everfuch a good Gamefter at Cards or Dice, yet fo

many Sharpers were always flocking about him,that they would drain his Pockets in fpite of allthe greateft Favours of Fortune ; or elfe howcould thefe Gaming-Houfes clear fometimes100 Pounds, but never lefs than 50 or do Poundsa Night, befides paying Salaries to the feveralOfficers depending fbfely on them f For there

Commiffioners are maintain d by whom the WeeksAccompt is Audited, viz. .D*rf#0r/,whoSuperin*H tend

jo The COMICAL PILGRIM*tend the Room. Operators, or Dealers at Faro."

Croupeesjto watch the Cards,, and gather the

Money for the Bank. Puffs, who have Moneygiven them to play, in order to decoy others.

Clerks, who are Checks upon the Puffs, to feethat they fink none of that Money. Squibs, whoare Puffs of a lower Rank, having half their Sa-

lery ; Flajljes, who fit by to Swear how often

they have ftript the Bank; Dunners, or Waiters , Attornies, or Sollicitors ; Captains, whoare to Fight any Men that are Peevifh, or outof Humour at the lofs of their Money , Porters,who at mod of the Gaming-Houfes are Soldiers ; Ufljers,

who take care that the Portersat the Door fuffer none to come in but thofe

they know :, and Runners, to get Intelligence ofall the Meetings of the Juftices of- the Peace,

and when the Conflables go upon the Search :

Befides giving halfa Guinea to any Link- Boy,

Coach-man, Chair- man, Drawer, or other Per-

fon, who gives Notice of the Conftables beingupon the Search.Now to break myfelf from this bewitched"

Gaming, Ibid adieu to Hazard, Backgammon,,Tick-tack, TOmbre, Picquet, Cribbidge., and

Baflet, and was refolv d to take a Pilgrimage in

to Scotland, where I found the Inhabitants ad-

dided to no fort of Game but One and Thirty^at which they are as dextrous as a Milk-Maid

at Dancing on May-Day, with one Foot uponthe Ground, and t other never off-, for from

Fergus their fir ft King down to Charles the Firfr,.whom they Sold for a Sacrifice to Stratocracyor Army Power, they had Murder d no lefs than

Thirty One of their Sovereigns, which is juft.the Game at Regicide : Hereupon to call them

Traytors is a Favour, for they will hatch Trea-foa

-.

pilgrimage into S C Q T L A N D. 5 rTon as foon as they do Chickens ^Grand-Cairo^ bythe Adoption of an Oven , but now the Scots arebound to their good Behaviour, by a Union,they ought to be asCircumfpeft in their Loyalty, as the Ambaflador that Beds a Queen, withthe nice Caution of a Sword between them.

It is faid that Scota the Daughter of Pharaoh

-King of Egypt, who was Drown d in the Red-Seay gave Name to Scotland, when (he went thither, and betwixt which People and the valiant

Englift, a Qjiarrel continued longer than everdid any between any other two Nations in theWorld, for they have moft obftinately contended (like -Rome and Carthage) for Empire above2oco Years-, which is the moft tenacious Suitthat ever depended between any two People inthe Court of Mars. Since the Norman Invafi-on, there have been 30 pitcht Battles betwixtus and them

;of which the Englijh have obtain d

of the Scots at leaft four for one, and thofe ofgreateft Confeqnence. The South Part of Great-Britain being Champian, hath been fometimes inits Borders harrafs d, and laid waft by the Scots,never poflefs d, but their Country, defended byinaccefllbleHills, and by two invincibleEnemies,Hunger and Cold, hath been wholly reduc d bythe Englifo) who have Slain four Scotch Kings,and took twoPrifoners

, whereas they have never Slain nor took Prifoner one Englijh King, towhom the Kings of Scotland were Homagers fora long Time.

Thofe Scots, who dwell by the Sea, dung theirLand with the Weeds which it cafts on theShore; and all Women throughout the Country in Writing life their Maiden Names afterMarriage. About the High and Solitary Hillsof Genap I fayv good Store of Magpyes and

H ^ Goats

52, rte COMICAL PILGRIM SGoats ; but few Hogs, to whofe Fleih they bearas utter an Averfion as the Jews j and amongall their Flocks of Sheep, where you ll fee one

White, there s ten Black, fo that you may foonknow a Scotchman from a black Sheep. The farther I Travell d, I obferv d Geefe were not over

plentiful ; Parfnips very fcarce , Venifon notto be had for want of Deer } Boys Knitted, and

Men, Women, and Children went bare-legg d.As for their Coyn, the molt remarkable of

their Coyning is a Baubee, which is the value ofour Half- penny, bearing the royal Effigy on one

fide, and on the Reverfe the Thiftle and Crow n,with this Motto, Nemo me impune laceffit. Inthe Kirk- Yard at Girvan are feveral Carv dGrave-ftones j and at the Kirk-Door in thisTown are faften d Jogs or Brad-Irons to Chainsthree or four Feet long , which are put roundPerfons Necks, who Swear, get Drunk, or breakthe Sabbath. Thus by countenancing Religionin allowing their Paftors to have an Authorityover Mifdemeanors, it is that the tumultuaryScottish Inftitution has gain d Ground, and infi-nuated itfelf into popular Credit and Efteem :

JFor on every Sunday^ when the Office of theDay is over, they have a Kirk-Seffions, wherein the Minifter, with a Number of his Congregation Elefted to that end, is Authorized to

meet and take Cognizance, and to punifh allOffenders the foregoing Week. So (ome fuch

Authority, and a few more infultingPriviledges,feem to be fome of thofe Defiderata s aim d at

by our pretended Reformers of Manners inw-Und, to make up their Temporal Advantages,under a fpecious Ihow of defiguing to reftorethe more Primitive and Chriftian Difcipline.

I hope this Age will never experience whatit

PilgrimAge into S C O T L A N D. j 3it is to come under the Pharifaical Conftitutiotiof fuch pious Cheats. Neverthelefs, fince

Knowledge without Virtue has abus d theWorld with too much Impiety, I applaud thatone Thing of the reforming Societies in England,in putting poor Children out to Trades j forof what Ufe is Learning (any farther than

Reading and Writing) to ordinary Vocations 2Whatfoever exceeds, is Ufelefs, and makesthem Pragmatical : Moreover, as it is not their

Happinefs to obtain Advantages of a more liberal or academical Education, it will muchmore commend the Goodnefs of their fmallBreeding, that they have learnt to fpeak. Truthrather than Latin, which the Mailers of ourParifh Schools undei ftand not and that theyare more knowing and exad in the Rules of

Juftice (a tranfcendent Quality unknown tofome of their Benefadors) than the Diftin&ioaof Languages.

In my Journey not far from the Town ofrj4yrt, many Sales are to be taken on the Sea-Coafts ; but on the Land not many Pidgeons,nor great Store of wild Ducks : However, the

Country is well ftockt with other fort of Foul,as foul Plates, foul Difhes, foul Trenchers, foul

Knives, foul Forks, foul Napkins, and by Heavens foul ever thing elfe, even to their veryWomen, who you ll fee Handing on a Saturdayby a lolling Wafti-block, which is a Woodenkind of Anvil, where the She-Fulcans are hammering out with Battledore, or elfe with theirFeet in a wafhing Tub, the Filth of Linnen,whofe unftious Diftillations are the Nile thatwater d the little Egyft of their adjacent Gardens. Staring very earneftly with all the

Eyes that I had, as if looking thro a Perfpe-ftive

54 7* COMICAL PILGRIM S&ive Glafs, I perceiv d every Scotchman s Faceu fua 11 y bubbled into Bubbles and Puftulees, be-

iides the natural Hout-gouft of Body thatbreathed from Oatmeal, which made him fendforth an Artificial Smell, which you mightwind as far as the extream UndYton of 20 Ro-

mifii Funerals, only the Scent is not fo Sweet}.befides the bonny Scot fmells as rankly of the

fingle Stink of Brimftone, as a Goldfinder, AliUjTom-Turd-Man of a Medley , for a fcurveyDifeafe, commonly call d the Scrubbado, other-wife the Itch, makes frequently an Inroad intohis Perfon, and invades his Body ; fo that he isforce to choak his Enemy by Stink of Sulphur.*Tis- a Creeping Diftempcr, whofe Progrefs ischeckt by Mortification, fo that when he leavesoff his Shirt, that is, when it leaves him, andcan bang on no longer, it is excellent Furniture

/or a Tinder- Box, as virtually containing in it

both Match and Tinder.The