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THE BUDDHIST PATH TO TRANSFORMING CONFLICT

A MEDITATION ON MEDIATION

Contents

Preface ......................................................................................................................................................................... 2

1. Scope ....................................................................................................................................................................... 3

1.1 Purpose of this paper ...................................................................................................................................... 3

1.2 Definition of mediation ..................................................................................................................................... 4

2. Mindfulness and meditation .................................................................................................................................. 6

2.1. Mindfulness ...................................................................................................................................................... 6

2.2. Non-self, impermanence and interdependence ......................................................................................... 9

2.3. Meditation....................................................................................................................................................... 13

2.4. A seamless and mutual conjunction .......................................................................................................... 16

3. The Brahma Viharas ............................................................................................................................................ 17

3.1 Loving Kindness (Metta) ............................................................................................................................... 17

3.2 Compassion (Karuna) ................................................................................................................................... 17

3.3 Sympathetic Joy (Mudita) ............................................................................................................................. 17

3.4 Equanimity (Upekkha) ................................................................................................................................... 18

3.5 The enemies of the Four Faced Heart ........................................................................................................ 18

4. The Four Noble Truths and The Noble Eightfold Path .................................................................................... 20

4.1 Suffering .......................................................................................................................................................... 20

4.2 The Cause of Suffering ................................................................................................................................. 22

4.2.1 Our thinking ............................................................................................................................................. 22

4.2.2 Our opinions ............................................................................................................................................ 23

4.2.3 Our idea of self ....................................................................................................................................... 23

4.3 The Possibility of Cessation of Suffering .................................................................................................... 23

4.4 The Path to the Cessation of Suffering ....................................................................................................... 25

4.5 The Noble Eightfold Path .............................................................................................................................. 25

4.5.1 Wisdom .................................................................................................................................................... 26

4.5.2 Ethical Conduct....................................................................................................................................... 27

4.5.3 Inner Development ................................................................................................................................. 27

5. Conclusion ............................................................................................................................................................. 29

6. Bibliography ........................................................................................................................................................... 37

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Preface

As a serial/multi entrepreneur, and from my experience as crisis manager, I look at

conflict as an opportunity. It is a temporary transition phase that all parties involved can

transcend in a constructive manner, provided that the correct approach is utilized.

Fostering growth while transforming the conflict must be at the core for all parties

involved and with each type of conflict, be it family, civil, business, economic or any

other type. The emphasis should never be placed on creating winners and losers, but

rather on having all participants reach collective and permanent progress.

After finishing my bachelor’s degree in Accounting and Taxation, master’s in Applied

Economic Sciences and master’s in Industrial Management, I was looking at this

process from a rather pragmatic angle, i.e. based on facts and numbers. With my

constructive yet calculated approach, and despite all my efforts, I did not always

succeed in transforming conflict into a growth phase for all parties. A turning point came

in 2010, when I became professionally active in Sri Lanka, albeit in real estate

development, and I was immersed in Buddhism in every possible way. I quickly realized

that inner attitude and mindset are of crucial importance when approaching conflict, and

even more so when the goal is to transform it into growth. I suddenly saw all the

conflicts around me through another lens and also started to realize that conflict is

simply a part of life. As we recognize that our lives are peppered with conflict on an

interpersonal, intrapersonal, societal and global level, the only question that remains is:

“How do we welcome and embrace these conflicts? Is there a way to stop, settle,

transform and transcend these rivalries and struggles?”.

Almost 10 years have passed since I started harmoniously combining Sri Lanka as my

mother country and Belgium as my native country, and Buddhism is now part of my

being. The prolonged contact with Buddhism has helped me to develop the theories,

skills, and personal qualities required to master conflict resolution. More than ever I am

convinced that conflict can be transformed into growth, and with this notion in mind I

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thought it was the perfect time to start the mediator course and require the specific

process skills needed to become a professionally accredited mediator.

1. Scope

1.1 Purpose of this paper

During this course I have noticed that a lot of the tools that mediation offers are indeed

rooted in Buddhism. With this paper I intend to point out that Buddhism is a perfect

basis to nourish the appropriate mindset that is needed as a mediator, which is to

welcome and embrace the conflicts and adversaries that cross our path and transform

those moments into chances for growth; a mindset that is beneficial for the mediator’s

clients in various ways. In this paper I am consciously choosing to elaborate on certain

basic pillars of Buddhism, in order to make sure it also resonates with people who are

not well-versed in the subject matter. If not, this paper would lose its relevance.

The challenge lies in translating the Buddhist ideas, which at first seem abstract for

outsiders, into tangible concepts that can be applied in mediation, regardless of the

inherent capacities of the mediator. I want to set up a framework inspired by Buddhism

that can be used for both training mediators and creating deeper insights and better

tools for professionals in the field of – amongst others – mediation. Buddhist insights

could also be directly passed to the disputants, but this is not the direct scope of this

study. One must ask the question, if everyone were to apply the Buddhist mindset,

would conflicts still exist? Or would we no longer need mediators and live in a world rid

of conflict? Absolute Nirvana!

Buddhist insights allow mediators to look deeper into the eye of their ‘adversary’, i.e. the

escalating conflict. It also allows them to train their minds to understand that conflict in

their own life can simply cease, and bring that awareness into the room for the benefit of

the clients. According to me, as mediators we cannot practice conflict resolution while

failing to address conflict in our own life.

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1.2 Definition of mediation

Regarding a definition of the term mediation I think we still have not found one that

completely covers the concept. In Belgian law the legislator speaks of the mediator that

“facilitates the communication and tries to have parties to work out a solution by

themselves” (art 1723/1 Belgian Judicial Code). Michèle Guillaume-Hofnung, who in my

opinion has formulated one of the most complete definitions of mediation, one that

underlines the preventive as well as the curative character, speaks of a mediator that

“tries to prevent or settle a conflict”1.

For me mediation is rather about transformation. Facilitating communication is indeed

crucial, but it is not the only aspect. Sometimes the disputants can still communicate in

a decent way, but are nonetheless unable to reach reconciliation because their opinions

are too far apart. I would therefore rephrase the definition as follows: “The mediator’s

goal is to transform conflict into a positive and constructive interaction. This transformed

interaction then yields an outcome that is fully supported by the people involved and

lays the foundation to approach future conflicts in a more constructive manner.” There is

a fundamental difference between to settle/solve a conflict and to transform a conflict.

For me to settle/solve refers to a literal middle way, as if you would add up the variables

and calculate the average. While to transform does not refer to an average, but rather to

a creative outcome which is entirely new and different. This can only occur if we explore

the underlying reasons of the conflict (needs, interests and fears), which are often

completely unrelated to the elements that the clients are seemingly fighting about

(opinions). This transformative path consists of looking at the conflict creatively, in

search not for an average outcome, but for a groundbreaking and innovative one.

Imagine a conflict arises about dividing 5kg of apples and 5kg of pears. To settle or

solve would only bring you to split this into 2,5kg of each or – if supported by both

parties – even an uneven division. If the focus is to transform, the mediator will make

the client realize that such things as apple sauce, apple cake, pear syrup and many

more can be made from the apples and pears. This will bring the clients to different

insights and ultimately different results, which will also be supported by both parties and

1 Guillaume-Hofnung, M., La médiation, Puf, 2015, p.71

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will thus promote mutual growth. The work that is put in by a mediator who goes the

extra mile, offering creative insights to the clients, should furthermore result in the

clients being better equipped to handle any future conflict of a similar nature.

Fig. 1: Conflict transformation

This illustrates what I mentioned before, namely that to embrace conflict and change the

way we handle, react to and think about it is of crucial importance. For me it is not about

settling/solving of what is called the problem or conflict, but about changing the way the

involved parties look at it. To adjust their focus and change the way they think and

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communicate about the situation. Simply move the center of gravity from conflicts to

possibilities.

I therefore prefer the longevity inherent in the concept of transforming conflict mediation

over settling or solving a conflict, resulting in finding compromises that are usually of a

very temporary nature, even if all parties have subscribed to them.

2. Mindfulness and meditation

2.1. Mindfulness

Though it has its roots in the almost 2600-year-old Buddhist meditation, the word

mindfulness originally derives from the word Sati in Pali, the original language of

Theravada literature. Personally, after many studies and countless consultations with

Theravada Buddhist Masters and Teachers in Sri Lanka and India, I find the following

translation, based on the words of Anālayo, to be the most comprehensive and

applicable: “Sati involves remembering to focus on what is otherwise too easily

forgotten: the present moment.”

More recently I find the work around mindfulness by Jon Kabat-Zinn extremely

enlightening. He launched the MBSR (Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction) program at

the University of Massachusetts Medical School in 1979. Since then, the benefits that

mindfulness (and MBSR in particular) offers in terms of physical and mental health have

been documented in thousands of studies. This in turn has inspired numerous other

programs to adapt the MBSR model to the needs of schools, hospitals, prisons and

many other institutions. For the purposes of the present paper I am going to limit myself

to the definition of this more recent Master of mindfulness, Jon Kabat-Zinn, which is:

“Mindfulness is creating awareness that arises through paying attention, on purpose,

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in the present moment, non-judgmentally, in the service of self-understanding and

wisdom.”2

Awareness is a crucial concept both in mindfulness and mediation. It is therefore no

wonder that meditation and mediation are only one letter ‘t’ apart. The mediator must

bring awareness (of thoughts, feelings, behavior and everything else) into the room

with the conflicting parties. It is important to notice that this also means awareness of

his or her own state of being. I can vividly remember the exercise we were assigned

by mediation lecturer Claude Vandevoorde, where we had to sit in a circle and point

out everything that we were aware of in ourselves in that present moment. Not my

favorite exercise, but one that did give me a tremendous amount of insights.

Mediators are only humans, and although being in constant balance is quasi

impossible, it is of key importance to be aware of our unbalance and to not let it affect

the clients or the mediation process. A mediator who is not self-aware might

disregard or challenge the clients’ point of view, instruct them based on personal

opinions or experiences, or even side with one of the parties without realizing it.

Paying attention on purpose sounds easy on the surface, until we start thinking about

all the actions we take throughout the day without consciously paying attention to

them. Some days we arrive at work and notice that we didn’t pay any attention to the

moments we spent while getting there. However, it is possible to purposefully bring

your attention to the trees along the road to work, the sunlight bouncing off the cars,

the smile of a child, the feeling of your mother’s touch or your breath while you

exhale. That is what mindfulness is.

If we think about it, we soon realize how much time we lose by reliving the past or

worrying about the future, and how little time we spend in the now and the right here.

By practicing mindfulness, we focus our attention on the present. If any thoughts pop

up, we do not judge these thoughts. We accept them for what they are, and don’t fall

2 Purser, R. E., Forbes, B. & Burke, A., Handbook of Mindfulness, Springer International Publishing Switzerland, 2016, p.77

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into the belief that some thoughts or feelings are right or wrong. All we need to do is

to turn off the autopilot and tune in to our body and mind. However, that is something

we do far too seldom.

Fig. 2: Past, present, future

In mediation it is equally critical for all parties to stay in the present, mediator

included. On top of that, the mediator also needs to have a non-judgmental approach

and must try to instill the same attitude in his clients. It is never easy to bring two or

more parties together and rebuild lost trust. Life has often taken them in other

directions and in many cases the conflicts are already in an escalated phase. A

mediator needs patience, persistence and trust to make the seemingly impossible,

possible.

At the start of this study I never expected there to be this much similarity between the

Buddhist approach and mediation, but after exploring the first topic (mindfulness) it is

evident that the similarities are undeniable. So much so that we can adopt Jon Kabat-

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Zinn’s definition of mindfulness as being one of meditation: “Mediation is creating

awareness that arises through paying attention, on purpose, in the present moment,

non-judgmentally, in the service of self-understanding and wisdom.”

2.2. Non-self, impermanence and interdependence

“We can never step into the same river twice”, said Heraclitus. This is very true, since

the water that is in the river today is not the same as the water that was in it yesterday.

And still, it’s the same river. It was Confucius that said: “Oh, it flows like that day and

night, never ending.”

Fig. 3: Impermanence

Mindfulness training underlines that feelings and thoughts do not define the self, but are

rather distinct from the self. They should be observed with curiosity instead of

immediate judgement. In Buddhism there is the concept of non-self (Anatta), which

means that there is no separate self, and the concept of impermanence (Annica),

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which refers to the ever-changing context in the world, which should be seen in the light

of inter-being and interdependence (paṭiccasamuppāda).

Everything is interconnected and affects everything else. All things exist in correlation

with other things. Some say that when a butterfly flaps its wings on one side of the

planet this can affect the weather on the other side. A bold statement that is made

merely to illustrate how everything is in constant movement, influenced by and in turn

affecting all other things. Nothing is more profound than the realization that everything in

this existence is intimately connected and interdependent. Without up there is no down,

without right no wrong, without wealth no poverty and without death, life cannot exist.

The Buddhist concept for this is called dependent origination, because the existence of

one depends on the existence of the other. People might think that if we eliminate the

negative, only the positive will remain, however dependent origination dictates that this

is not the case. Understanding and accepting this renders our destructive dual form of

thinking obsolete and allows us to see separation and isolation for the misconceptions

that they are. In mediation, it is important to be conscious of the interdependence

between all disputants in a conflict, be it in family or business. In many cases all parties

will still need to collaborate after the mediation, meaning that the interdependence does

not come to a halt. Separating parents need to cooperate in order to raise their child,

business partners need to make deals after conflict has arisen, etc. Consequently, a

win-win solution for all parties is the necessary outcome for any mediation.

As stated earlier, Buddhist learnings reject the notion of a permanent self, and it is

exactly this permanent self that forms the basis of many interpersonal conflicts. It

creates the juxtaposition of self versus other, me versus you and us versus them. In

order to reach true conflict resolution, we need to transcend that distinction. For the

mediator this means that his clients are growing and changing inter-beings whom he

can work with. It is then the task of the mediator to have his clients grow towards each

other and have them reach a jointly supported solution. For the mediator, and naturally

also for the clients, this insight is the comprehensive key that opens the doors to the

true reality and to the idea of conflict transformation.

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Inherent existence is a myth; a flower does not exist by itself, but only in interaction with

the soil, weeds, rain and insects. There is no being, only inter-being. The Buddhist

concept of emptiness should also be mentioned here. The Buddhist interpretation of

emptiness is not one of a void or nothingness, but it rather refers to the fact that nothing

can exist in a vacuum, that there is always context and that this context is ever shifting.

Consequently, emptiness means lacking independent existence outside of the context.

Everything and everyone is empty and capable of adapting in this sense, depending on

how the context and conditions are changed. If we look deep enough into a flower, we

see it is full of everything, also non-flower elements. We can see the sun, the earth, the

rain, the pollination of the worker bees and even time and space in the flower. It is as if

the cosmos came together to help the flower manifest itself. It has everything except for

one thing: a separate self or identity. However, if the self is inexistent, then who or what

am I looking at? The answer to that would be an ever changing and growing inter-being.

Fig. 4: Inter-being, non-self

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The previous statement introduces the notion of an endless flexibility, and it must be

mentioned that the choices we make and the steps we take, are what most affect the

outcome. Constructive actions will lead to constructive outcomes and vice versa. The

Buddhist concept of Kamma takes this one step further. Kamma refers to the

correlation between actions taken with a certain intention and their subsequent

consequences. These consequences are in turn again the cause of a next set of

actions, meaning that the present is to be seen as consequence and cause at the same

time. If the present state is a cause this also means that we are the master of our own

destiny. With our actions we shape our own future. In a sense everything is possible,

but all of this comes with responsibility because interdependence dictates that our

actions inevitably also affect others. This is a powerful realization, which can aid us to

develop constructive skills, but it can also be uncomfortable to know that not only others

depend on us, but we also depend on others. This is where acceptance comes in, along

with love and compassion. We simply need to accept interdependence and not resist it.

Doing this clears the path for transformation. If we apply this interdependence to the

world of mediation, we obtain a holistic approach to conflict transformation: the mediator

and the clients understand that the whole is larger than the sum of the parts, and that

any change made to one of the parts of the equation also affects the whole. It is true

that mediators need to look at the separate trees, but their main focus is the forest.

Understanding all the previous concepts can have a profound effect on how people view

conflict and lead their lives, and it also creates more clarity within the mediation

process. A mediator who grasps this concept and passes it on to the disputants will be

able to deconstruct some crucial walls. It means that the conflicting parties step away

from a winner versus loser scenario and envision a solution that is supported by all,

because they understand that any decision affects everything else. It creates a mindful

insight into the impact our actions and words have on ourselves, the others and our

environment. Attitudes change when we really comprehend the notion that if I cause

someone grief or joy, that also impacts myself and changes me, which again changes

my environment and so on. This pattern of thinking can also be expanded to an

individual level, by acknowledging the interdependence between our reactions, our

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moods, our decisions, our resistance and our fears. There is a constant flow from one to

the next, and realizing this lets us better understand where our thoughts, emotions and

actions come from.

For the sake of completeness, I would like mention that there are three Dharma

(Teaching) Seals in the Buddhist Theravada tradition. They are more commonly known

as the three characteristics of all existence and beings, being impermanence (Annica),

suffering (Dukkha) and non-self (Anatta). The concept of Dukkha will be more

extensively discussed in the chapter The Four Noble Truths and The Noble Eightfold

Path (title 4.1).

2.3. Meditation

The word meditation itself comes from the Latin meditari, which means as much as “to

think something over”. Buddhism subscribes two main types of meditation, which

require different mental skills, modes of functioning and qualities of consciousness.

These two forms are called Samatha and Vipassana in Pali.

Samatha translates as ‘concentration’ or ‘tranquility’. This state of mind is reached when

the mind is brought to rest and only focuses on one item, like a color or the flame of a

candle, without being allowed to wander. If this is attained, mind and body reach a deep

state of calm, a state of such intense tranquility that it must be experienced in order to

be understood.

Vipassana stands for ‘insight’. It is a form of meditation that looks for insight into the true

nature of reality, impermanence, suffering and selflessness. It is about learning to see

and hear things as they really are, about learning to listen to our thoughts without

getting caught up in them. As a result, we start to let go of our attachments, which

allows us to feel more free and at ease even in unpleasant situations. Vipassana brings

freedom from suffering, among other things, and it is a good technique to purify the

mind and practice letting go.

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Mindfulness meditation is seen as a stepping stone in order to reach the state of or

acquire the skill of mindfulness. This means that meditation itself specifically refers to

certain techniques, such as the well-known sitting form of meditation, which are used for

self-exploration or to reach the state of being mindful. Mindfulness on the other hand is

the state that one reaches or can experience during meditation or at any other time

during daily life. Mindfulness does not have to come to an end after a specific session,

but can be extended throughout the day. It’s about catching your thoughts at any given

moment. For example, when you find yourself thinking about how you dislike what you

are doing, you stop and realize that this type of thought pattern will not make the

situation any better. Or when you catch yourself while thinking negatively about yourself

and you immediately dismiss those thoughts. Do this day by day, and your life will

experience a positive change.

Two things are key in mindfulness meditation: concentration and exploration.

Concentration refers to being able to keep your focus for a sustained period on a single

object, such as your body, your breath or the flame of a candle. Doing this will relax and

settle your mind and body, and prepares the scene for the investigative attention

needed to explore what precisely is happening within what we are experiencing. We

start to realize that our thoughts mostly wander to past and future, which brings our

attention to what is. We can move from subjectivity towards objectivity. My thoughts

become just thoughts, my worries just worries, my mind just mind etc. We then often

realize that our attitudes and thoughts are sometimes repetitions of things we have

heard before from other sources (parents, friends, teachers, (social) media …). If we are

mindful of our own thoughts and detach from them, we can cast off prejudices, fears,

limiting beliefs and other repeated patterns that might be holding us back. This is the

beginning of taking our own experience less personal, and the less we take things

personal, the less we will enter into conflict with other parties and/or existing conflicts

will escalate.

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With more practice of mindfulness meditation comes greater emotional balance when

confronted with change, pressure, stress or anxiety. We no longer want to push all that

away or forget about it, and we no longer identify with all things pleasant or unpleasant,

but rather we start to develop this curious and explorative mindset towards our life. We

self-inquire and gain insight, which allows us to creatively participate in our dynamic life

experience, instead of merely trying to control it.

Although the focus of this paper is not directly on the disputants themselves, I do want

to mention that the success rate of any mediation would greatly increase if the clients

themselves, as a preparation to the mediation, would learn about what a Buddhist

approach could mean for their conflict. As this is such an important topic, we will

examine this further in a next study.

Fig. 5: Medi(t)ation

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2.4. A seamless and mutual conjunction

When we look at the above-mentioned concepts, meditation and mediation clearly imply

a compatibility and even an extreme similarity, a seamless and mutual conjunction that

is reflected in the “Medi(t)ation Gemini Lotus” below. The concepts that define and

comprise both meditation and mediation clearly have a striking overlap.

Fig. 6: Gemini Lotus of Medi(t)ation

With this is mind we will now examine some further aspects of Buddhism so as to lay

out a method, a path to conflict transformation.

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3. The Brahma Viharas

The Brahma Viharas refer to the four attitudes that are considered excellent or sublime.

They are Sattesu Samma Patipatti, or the ideal way of conduct towards living beings. In

social contact they can remove tension, make peace, heal wounds, level social barriers,

revive joy or relive abandoned hope.

Although the four attitudes have their separate meaning, existence and purpose, they

are still part of the same Four Faced Heart. Much like the four directions on a compass,

they are inseparable.

I have listed the four emotions below.

3.1 Loving Kindness (Metta)

This emotion is about caring for others and yourself and showing affection. It is a soft

emotion and has little to do with romantic love or love characterized by extreme

attachment or feelings of control.

3.2 Compassion (Karuna)

Compassion means that the heart is open and cares for everyone. Showing empathy

and placing yourself in another person’s shoes as a sign that you care for and about

them.

3.3 Sympathetic Joy (Mudita)

This emotion revolves around sharing in the joy of others and being happy when others

are. As such you welcome less suffering and more happiness for others.

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3.4 Equanimity (Upekkha)

Balance is key, both of mind and emotion. It is the emotion of the middle way, where

one is neither clinging to or pushing away.

3.5 The enemies of the Four Faced Heart

All four of these Brahma Viharas emotions have a near enemy and a far enemy. The

near enemy is an emotion or state of being that is close to the Brahma Vihara. Though it

is close, it is not correct, hence a near enemy. The far enemy represents the opposite

mental state; an emotion that is entirely off the mark of the Brahma Vihara. All these

elements are represented in the schematic below.

Fig. 7: Four Faced Lotus and Enemies

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In my opinion one of the first steps or tools that the mediator must implement is to

position the disputants in this spectrum. An individual will usually not be positioned both

at the top as well as at the bottom of the above schematic. There will always be a more

inward or outward tendency, which means that the mediator must not only attempt to

position the clients correctly, but also make them aware of their position and attempt to

move them in the right emotional state (Brahma Viharas) towards one another.

If clients are at the extreme top or bottom of the schematic above, then little can be

done to transform the conflict and reach a jointly endorsed growth. In order to enable

constructive communication and a balanced outcome, it is important that both

disputants, or all parties concerned, are in the Metta, Karuna, Mudita or Upekkha

attitude. A situation where for example the first partner shows selfish affection and the

other one compassion will usually lead to outcomes that are not balanced and are

therefore not real solutions or short term at best. It is thus the mediator’s task to find the

middle path in the schematic above.

A powerful tool that the mediator can use to this purpose is the knowledge that any

enemy of a specific Brahma Vihara can be neutralized by focusing on a next one. If you

start getting too attached to a person or outcome, compassion can serve as a reminder

that other people are on their own journey. If you get too absorbed in your own

suffering, someone else’s suffering or the suffering in the world, then take time to reflect

on the positive qualities of the people or the upside of the situation. If you become too

obsessed with someone else’s choices, qualities or life, try to cultivate a sense of

contentment with your own path. If you are becoming too disengaged, apathetic or

accept things too much as they are, some loving kindness can make you care a bit

more again. This ability to move people between emotional positions is a tool that can

be utilized by the mediator when parties find themselves in an enemy state of mind, in

order to move them back into the desired emotion of the Brahma Viharas.

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4. The Four Noble Truths and The Noble Eightfold Path

The concept of the Four Noble Truths is the pure essence of Buddhism. The Four Noble

Truths are: Suffering, The Cause of Suffering, The Possibility of Cessation of Suffering

and The Path to the Cessation of Suffering. These truths are considered true across

time (past, future and present) and true regardless of the differences that can be

perceived between human beings (gender, nationality, ethnicity, faith, etc.).

The Four Noble Truths are an antidote for the universal six roots of conflict, which are

anger, contempt, deceit, greed, incorrect views and clinging to views. They are not mere

beliefs, but rather a solid framework to train our minds, and each one can offer value to

the mediator.

4.1 Suffering

This is the First Noble Truth (Dukkha in Pali). Simply put this refers to the fact that

suffering happens. It is omnipresent and cannot be avoided, so we simply need to

accept its existence. Some people undergo more or less than others, but in the end it

crosses everyone’s path. We should always be aware that impermanence is absolute,

hence ups and downs are just part of life.

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Fig. 8: Suffering

Whenever conflict arises, the First Noble Truth encourages us to see conflict as Dukkha

(suffering). Anxiety, miscommunication, dissatisfaction and stress can all be

experienced during conflict, and all these aspects – as well as the conflict itself – can

cause suffering.

The Buddhist approach is to accept what is, and to see conflict as something natural

and positive, as opposed to seeing it as threatening, negative and wrong. A very

effective tool, also in this respect, is mindful meditation. As elaborately discussed earlier

in this paper, it helps us to see what is truly happening in our life and helps us to cope

with the six roots of conflict whenever they emerge.

We can only reach the Second Noble Truth, after we are able to fully understand

suffering and relax in the face of it.

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4.2 The Cause of Suffering

Samudaya is the Second Noble Truth. Buddhists point to desire and ignorance as the

main causes of suffering. Human beings yearn to get their needs fulfilled, and failing to

do so causes us to experience suffering. This is because our minds are not trained to

cope with the incessant changes and challenges that life throws our way. Birth and

death, rain and sunshine, cold and heat, etc., we tend to react to these changes in a

negative way. Miscommunications and misinterpretations are also immediately given a

conflict-related connotation.

One cause of suffering we all have in common is expectation, which is nothing less than

a softer word for control and a harder word for want. Only when we change expectation

into acceptance can we let go of what we are attached to. When reality does not fulfill

the desired expectations, we can just let go of them instead of continually fighting

reality.

Suffering also comes from not being able to see the world for what it is; holding on to

illusions, fears and hopes, and behavior based on ignorance. There are three

discernable causes of mental suffering: our thinking, our opinions and our idea of self.

4.2.1 Our thinking

It is often our thinking that constructs our cravings, desires, compulsive behavior,

attachments (also to ourselves), and our wishes and fears. These are all mental

activities that stop us from reaching our full capacity or highest level of happiness. The

reality is that when human beings actually obtain their cravings or desires, they only

experience a very short-lived joy, and even if the joy or pleasure were to last longer, it

would become monotonous and dissipate quickly.

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4.2.2 Our opinions

With opinions we refer to our stories, the way we interpret things, assign meaning,

religious beliefs etc. It is crucial for us to understand how randomly we construct these

and assign their importance. We need to think about what purpose they serve and if

they are really needed.

4.2.3 Our idea of self

Humans tend to cling to the idea of themselves, that is, the way they see themselves,

their identity and self-image. This is considered one of the main roots of suffering, and

an important concept in this light is ‘non-self’ (called Anattā in Pali), as explained earlier

in this paper (title 2.2). An inherent self does not exist, there is only non-self and inter-

being.

Like with the First Noble Truth, mindful meditation can be a solution for challenges

presented by the Second Noble Truth. Meditation teaches us to listen to our thoughts

without getting overrun by them, and it clears the path to renounce our attachments and

find freedom in situations which at first we might interpret as being unpleasant.

4.3 The Possibility of Cessation of Suffering

The Third Noble Truth is called Nirodha in Pali. This step is about accepting the

possibility of liberation and the end of all suffering. Buddha teaches that the way to stop

suffering is to extinguish desire, thus liberating oneself from attachment. Controlling

desire and practicing non-attachment are key. In theory this sounds easy but for human

beings this is hard, since we tend to be addicted to our causes of suffering. A good and

recent example is the smartphone. Today I might want an iPhone to show off to my

friends, and the next day I want to indulge and buy the latest Samsung smartphone

because I read it has a better camera, and so on. The question to ask here is: “Why do I

24

want these smartphones?” We need to get to the root of this question and pull it out,

because if not it will keep on emerging time and time again.

Fig. 9: The root of craving

Any mediator will have to deal with disputants who are sure that their conflict (or

suffering) cannot be resolved. Anger, fear, false projections and blame rule their mind,

and they put the source of their attachment or aversion outside themselves. They

perceive themselves as passive victims instead of acting agents in their own suffering. If

we want to assist others in conflict resolution, we have to make them truly aware that

the conflict can be transformed and make them see that they are actors and decision-

makers in their own life and the process of mediation. If that is the case, then they also

have their own role in transforming the conflict and ceasing their suffering.

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Again, meditation is a very powerful tool here, since it provides a clear step-by-step

image on the cessation of conflict. Meditation helps us to notice the possibility of

transformation, which opens the path for an even more profound and continued growth.

4.4 The Path to the Cessation of Suffering

The Fourth (and final) Noble Truth is called Magga, or the prescription by Buddha for

the end of suffering. This regards a set of principles called the Noble Eightfold Path (or

the Middle Way), which is designed to avoid all extremes including indulgence and

severe ascetism.

This gradual path of self-improvement leads to a balanced life, by transcending and

reconciling the duality that characterizes most thinking. As mediators well know, the

language used during escalating conflicts is often dual or binary, i.e. designed to include

or exclude. Just think about good/bad, beautiful/ugly, guilty/innocent etc. Such use of

language comes from an or/or logic, which is exactly what we need to transcend in

mediation if we want to reach a synergetic and/and reasoning and a win-win outcome.

When we apply the first Three Noble Truths we can reach a certain level of peace,

known as Enlightenment, the Awakened Mind or Nirvana. We become filled with

compassion for all living things, which is a prerequisite to attain the cessation of

suffering through the Eightfold Path.

4.5 The Noble Eightfold Path

The Ariya Aṭṭhaṅgika Magga or Noble Eightfold Path is not a belief system, but a

framework that starts from the Four Noble Truths. There are eight stages that should be

considered as one, seeing as each step supports and reinforces the previous and next.

We can often see them represented as the eight beams of the Dharma Wheel (or

Dharma Chakra), one of the oldest Buddhist symbols representing the very basics of

Buddhist teachings.

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4.5.1 Wisdom

Wisdom is about obtaining the ‘Right Understanding’ or ‘Right View’, i.e. accepting the

Buddhist teachings and cultivating the ability to see that everything is in the present. It

cannot be repeated enough that the mediator must focus on the present of the clients,

an ability that the clients themselves also need to develop. In the mediation framework

the past is only relevant in order to understand the present.

We need to train our minds to see conflict for what it is, a state that emerges based on

causes and conditions. If we learn to go beyond the distortions of seeing conflict as

something that revolves around the notion of ‘I/me personally’, we develop the needed

cognitive intelligence to obtain the ‘Right View’.

Getting clients to the point where they no longer take the conflict personally is also of

immeasurable value. Almost all cases of mediation start with conflicting parties that take

everything personally and often put all the blame on the other party. This triggers a lot of

defense mechanisms, fear and anger. When involved with a high conflict personality it is

easy to get hooked into conflict and start taking things personally. You can see this

when clients feel the need to defend themselves, and when they display one of the 3 F’s

as a response, i.e. fight, flight or freeze. You might see them behave like there is no

choice, and there is only one way to deal with the conflict. Or like they have the need to

prove something to the other person or other people, or feel like the other person is

taking advantage of them.

Apart from ‘Right Understanding’ there is also ‘Right Thought’. This refers to being

committed to cultivating the correct attitudes, setting the ‘Right Intention’ and having a

focus on knowing our subtle intent before we act. This helps us to avoid and transform

conflict.

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4.5.2 Ethical Conduct

Conduct in this context refers to both speech and actions. We need to be mindful of our

speech and keep it in harmony with our spiritual life. By adopting ‘Right Speech’ we

start speaking truthfully, avoiding slander, gossip and abusive speech. This also

increases awareness of the impact of our words on our thoughts and actions towards

others and ourselves. The ‘Right Action’ is about behaving peacefully and in harmony,

i.e. no stealing, killing, overindulgence etc. The combination of ‘Right Speech’ and

‘Right Action’ leads to ‘Right Livelihood’, meaning that we earn our living in a righteous

and humane way. The Five Precepts can be mentioned in this respect, which underline

that one should not resort to illegal or evil activities. All these concepts, related to ethical

conduct, increase our awareness of how what we do has an impact on ourselves,

others and the entire universe.

Ethical conduct is also pivotal for all parties during the mediation process. The most

recent definition of mediation by M. Guillaume-Hoffnung starts with the following: “La

médiation est un processus de communication éthique...”, meaning that mediation is a

process of ethical communication. During the intake and preparatory phase, a mediator

should thus surely and clearly state the rules that are to be followed during the process,

in order to assure an ethical communication. In case of any infringements against those

rules adequate actions must be taken.

4.5.3 Inner Development

Here we refer to adopting the ‘Right Mindfulness’, meaning that we need to be aware of

our body and apply a mental focus to our emotions, mentality and abilities while also

steering clear of impulses and desires. The mind is malleable and changeable, so with

the ‘Right Effort’ we can train ourselves to cultivate a positive state of mind and move in

the right direction.

28

This will help us to finally reach the ‘Right Concentration’ and develop the mental focus

needed for true meditation. This is the most important aspect in the Eightfold Path, for

without proper meditation we cannot move to a higher level of well-being.

The ‘Right Effort’, ‘Right Mindfulness’ and ‘Right Concentration’ are key to creating the

awareness of the subtle aspects of how we experience things. It also constitutes an

excellent base to create a successful mediation process, with an emphasis on growth

and transformation for all parties involved.

Fig. 10: Noble Truth Lotus

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5. Conclusion

Only one letter ‘t’ separates meditation from mediation, and when we look at the

process behind both terms, we see that the difference between them is actually even

smaller than that. When starting this study, I was already aware of the striking parallels

between both concepts, but I never expected there to be this much similarity. Apart from

being similar, both concepts are also compatible and supportive of one another. There

is no doubt that knowledge of the Buddhist philosophy and practicing meditation is

highly recommendable for mediators, since the two processes form a perfect symbiosis.

I would also firmly suggest for mediators to pass on some Buddhist insights to their

clients, since this will be highly beneficial to the process. In fact, this is something that I

will certainly offer in my own practice. Of course, as with the mediation itself, this will be

purely on a voluntary basis for the clients.

Lord Buddha talked about illness very much like a physician: he described it, identified

the underlying cause(s) and developed a cure. His teachings are undeniably applicable

in a conflict transformation context and can even contribute to conflict prevention,

however their value has been gravely underappreciated up until now. In terms of conflict

prevention very little is done and not much literature can be found. In this respect I

would like to come back to the definition of mediation by Michèle Guillaume-Hofnung

(title 1.2), where prevention is explicitly mentioned. During transformational mediation

we try to pass on some tools to the disputants in order to handle future conflicts more

smoothly, but there is also a lot that can be done before conflict even arises. Buddhist

philosophy can play a key role there. This is uncharted territory for now and we will

undoubtedly come back to this in a next study.

Meditation as such provides many proven benefits, and throwing meditation concepts

into the mediation mix might well be a winning combination. Practitioners of both

meditation and mediation consciously choose to be aware of what is happening in the

present moment, without judgement, and they should create that same awareness

within their clients. Both processes require the discipline to ground yourself, to find your

30

center, to explore the real needs and to take action based on the findings. Meditation

and mediation also have a shared need for self-exploration and the creation of self-

sufficiency. Meditator and mediator, as well as their clients, can reverse the downward

spiral of destructive stress and escalating conflict within themselves and those around

them. Meditation teaches you to have control over your future reaction to stress triggers,

the same way transformational mediation teaches you conflict resolution skills in order

to reduce future conflicts.

Earlier in this paper we discussed that the definition of mindfulness can be copied

entirely in order to formulate what mediation means. We also discussed the seamless

and mutual conjunction between mediation and meditation as depicted in the

“Medi(t)ation Gemini Lotus” (title 2.4). While meditation is oriented towards internal

sensations, you could state that mediation is in a first phase focused on the external

sensations, such as for example the communications and interactions between

conflicting parties, especially noticing what works and what does not in the relation

between the disputants and asking what can be done to transform it and/or let it go.

However, here there is also an absolute interwovenness between both terms, because

meditation has an influence on ourselves as well as on our relationships with others,

and in mediation the points of view that are made by the conflicting parties are

essentially also a stepping stone to explore and deepen the psychology and to uncover

the real underlying interests, needs and fears. Additionally, the disputants are asked to

relate their vision of the conflict from the ‘I’ perspective and share their point of view

during the preparatory phase of the mediation process. They are thus encouraged to

start from themselves.

The increasing levels of stress in our modern-day society has rung in the emergence of

an ever-rising number of meditation practitioners, in order to stimulate and increase

mental health. A rising number of scientific studies confirm a link between meditation

and physical and mental well-being. On the other hand, we also see an increase in the

amount of research that is conducted about how meditation works and what causes its

positive impact on the brain. There are a multitude of personal gains that mediators can

31

experience from meditation apart from just relaxation, and on top of that they may find –

as I have – that mindfulness, awareness and insight practices from the Buddhist

philosophy can also hone their professional skills.

You could say that I have done a meditation on mediation, and the only logical outcome

I found is that integrating the two processes makes perfect sense. Following the

Buddhist Path to transforming conflict simply works. Mediators that effectively

implement these Buddhist insights and regularly meditate, experience a multitude of

beneficial effects, of which I have listed a few in a non-specific order below.

1. Greater self-awareness about how they are functioning in the mediation process and

how they are looking at the parties involved. Mediators are also human beings that have

preferences and aversions, however it is of paramount importance that they are very

aware of them. I personally feel that a lot of the existing literature on the subject pays

little to no attention to the fact that mediators are also social beings, influenced by the

space and time they live in, their beliefs, values and narratives about the issues that

come up during mediation. Even when in the role of the neutral party, or even better, the

multilaterally partial third party, the mediator steps into the process as a being with a

body, and not an empty signifier. As mentioned before, the awareness circle exercise

assigned to us by lecturer Claude Vandevoorde on Friday mornings is forever etched in

my memory. This sensing exercise, namely the immediate bodily experience, clearly did

not miss its goal. A raised self-awareness provides the mediator a heightened self-

knowledge, a crucial asset during the mediation process.

2. Higher awareness of and respect for the own feelings in terms of needing a break.

Keeping the right balance, called the Middle Way in Buddhist terms, ensures a correct

stress management and reduces the chance of a burnout, for example.

3. An enhanced awareness on external conditions, being the clients in this case,

allowing for a better exploration of their interests, needs and fears in order to see the

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true nature of reality. This in turn should also increment the awareness of the

participants.

4. A meditative mediator will bring more peace to the room, which will ultimately benefit

the entire mediation process, and thus also the clients.

5. Mediators are expected to listen attentively, so in case they do get distracted they will

be mindful to revert their attention back to the present and focus on the clients. An

important concept in meditation is that success does not depend on how long focus can

be maintained, but rather on the capacity to notice when you lose focus, refrain from

judging yourself and return to the previous focus. Here again, awareness is key.

6. Heightened capacity for calibrating and refined insights and intuition, consequently

further advancing the mediation, which ultimately is an absolute exercise in balance.

7. Expanded sensitivity to certain clues that the parties expose, verbally or non-verbally,

which indicate a change in thoughts, attitudes or feelings.

8. Raised sensitivity to how the natural timing of conflicts occurs. This is a hugely

important factor, to realize which stage the conflict is in (e.g. escalation stage or not)

and whether a certain moratorium needs to be introduced.

9. Detached neutrality is promoted, meaning that the mediator will not defend one party

at the cost of the other, but rather like a pendulum he or she will empathize and show

understanding towards all parties (even those not present at the mediation). This is

called multilateral partiality, implying a full involvement with and recognition towards all

parties. Unlike a lawyer for example, who unilaterally defends and acts on behalf of his

or her client.

10. Being immersed in the Three Buddhist Teachings of impermanence, non-self or

inter-being and omnipresent suffering drives the mediator towards a holistic approach.

33

These concepts automatically point the mediator and the disputants in the direction of a

less dual use of language and thinking. In other words, there will be less inclusive and

exclusive reasoning, less ‘you versus me’ stories, and the or/or logic will be replaced by

the and/and approach. Ultimately the focus is placed on creating a synergetic dynamic

and a win-win situation for the clients.

11. Better understanding of the nature of suffering; seeing suffering as part of life and

what we can do to let it go. Accepting is the first step!

12. Increased patience and openness. Mindfulness techniques offer great benefit to

mediators in terms of enhanced presence and patience, as well as opening the mind

and decreasing judgement.

13. There is an increased willingness to step into high risk conversations and raise

sensitive topics without losing empathy. When a brain is scanned during meditation, the

area of the brain where empathy resides (anterior insular cortex) lights up notably. This

is an important benefit, since a mediator has to be equipped to address the reality in the

head and heart of other people without coinciding with them completely. Reciprocal

empathy is also important for the disputants; the mediator’s job is to find the hidden

empathy and understanding between all parties and rekindle it.

14. Stronger emotional intelligence, leading to an increased level of compassion,

acceptance, kindness, etc.

15. Mindfulness helps to ground the mediator and prevents him or her from being swept

away by the emotions of the disputants by fostering an improved ability to keep calm

and stay in balance in the face of conflict and intense emotions. Not being absorbed by

the conflict and disputants, strengthens de mediator.

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16. Greater disposition go deep into a conversation and get straight to the core of what

is not working efficiently and, maybe even more important, what is working between the

conflicting parties.

17. Faster detection of common ground between clients. Common interests and needs,

whether pronounced or not, form the basis to transform conflict. Hence, being able to

detect the common ground, as well as the grounds for disagreement and dislike,

facilitates a faster conflict transformation.

18. Decreased reactivity, argumentativeness and rigidness in viewpoints.

19. Lower investment in attachments, outcomes, expectations and judgements. It is

worth mentioning that the mediator does not commit to any result, nor does he or she

offer solutions (and clearly states this during the opening statement), but helps the

parties achieve a solution that is carried by all parties.

20. Increased problem-solving skills and ability to work towards creative solutions, thus

transforming conflicts to growth both short and long term for all parties involved.

21. Improved response to criticism. People that are mindful respond to criticism more

slowly and thoughtfully, because there is more acceptance and understanding of where

the other person is coming from. Responding negatively to criticism is rarely a good

idea. By eliminating impulsive behavior, we create more time think about how to better

respond to criticism and proceed in a more positive and cohesive way. A mediator has

to deal with criticism on many occasions; even though he clearly states the nature of his

interventions during the opening statement, still disputants continue to criticize, stating

that they need to solve it themselves, that the mediator does not offer solutions, that the

process takes too long, etc.

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The list ending here does not mean that there are only 21 benefits. The advantages for

mediators and their clients are infinite, and this non-exhaustive list will only continue to

grow over the years.

Final thoughts

Buddhism and mediation contain a clear set of instructions regarding how we can all

improve our skills in conflict handling and untangling the knots created (by conflict)

inside ourselves, inside our clients and between our clients. As previously mentioned,

the disputants will hopefully also be inspired by the Buddhist approach, and will do their

own meditation on mediation. They will benefit from this by being able to more rapidly

transform their conflict into a constructive story for all parties, and – if we go one step

further – they will be handed the tools to be able to detect future conflicts in an earlier

stage or even prevent them from occurring.

It is of crucial importance that the mediator prepares the client for the mediation

process, thus increasing the chance of success. Many insights and tools that can be

used to that end have their roots in Buddhism – such as mindfulness meditation – and

just like mediation itself I will therefore also be offering this in my practice, in

cooperation with a Theravada Buddhist Meditation Master. As mentioned earlier, just

like the mediation itself, this is completely voluntary and optional.

I do realize that not all clients are open to this type of approach, but as mediator you

need to be aware of that and offer these tools without necessarily mentioning words like

Buddhism mindfulness or meditation. As mediator we can simply invite the disputants to

be more present and calm, to be more articulate and clear in presenting their feelings

and ideas, and to show greater understanding of where the other parties’ positions,

fears, interest and needs are stemming from. Just reminding the disputants to breathe

can already help to reduce the stress and animosity.

36

Each and every one of us can play a role in transforming conflict, just by raising our

awareness. When we see conflict around us, instead of picking a side and reinforcing

the views of one of parties, we can deliberately choose to be more mindful and simply

pay attention to what is currently happening while refraining from judgement.

We were able to touch on many elements in this paper, but there is much more ground

to cover. The process and the writing continue, and in 2020 I expect to publish a book

on this topic, followed by an app which will serve as an instrument for both mediators

and disputants. Paritta (in Pali) chanting will certainly be included in the app. Paritta

chanting has the Buddhist Teachings incorporated in the form of verses, instills

benevolence and love, and provides protection from evil spirits, illness, misfortune,

influence of planetary systems and more. It creates confidence, goodwill and blessings

for all living beings. The chanting has a certain vibration, rhythm and frequency that is

pleasing and creates positive energy. Personally I often use the following powerful

Paritta (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6n7ge1E4ZHA) to start my day in a

constructive and optimistic way.

And to close, a final pondering … Unfortunately, it is human nature, especially in the

West, for everyone to want to change the world, but for nobody to think of changing

themselves …

Fig. 11: Change yourself, then the world

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