the bird's and the bees2

8/6/2019 The Bird's and the Bees2

1/22

THE BIRDS AND THE BEES

BY

WILLIAM MONETTE

W.G.A. REGISTRATION#1501081U.S. COPYRIGHT#1-598918001

[email protected]


2/22

ACT ONE

FADE IN:

INT. DOUGIES ROOM - MORNING (DAY 1)

(DOUGIE, AGNUS)

(DOUGIE IS SLEEPING, AND SNORING LOUDLY ON HIS FUTONBED. ANGUS IS UPSTAIRS YELLING FOR DOUGIE TO WAKE UP.)

(Dougie is covered up with his blanket, but his boxer shortsare exposed showing a smiling happy face that says yummy onthem.)

AGNUS (O.S.)HEY, MISTER POTATO MASHER. ITSTIME TO WAKE UP.

(Dougie has a look of disgust on his face when he sticks hishead out from the covers to discover that he has beenresting his head on an old pair of underwear on top of hispillow;Dougie tosses them to the side.)

DOUGIEMOM. I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU THAT IWORK AT THE POTATO MASTER.

AGNUS (O.S.)OKAY MISTER POTATO HEAD.

DOUGIEMISTER POTATO HEADS A LIFELESS TOYTHAT DOESNT DO ANYTHING.

AGNUS (O.S.)AND YOUR POINT IS?

(Dougies alarm clock turns on with music. "Im a loserbaby, so why dont you kill me." Dougie gets out of bed, andpicks up a hammer underneath his pillow, and smashes hisradio.)

AGNUS (O.S.)WHAT WAS THAT?

DOUGIE(To himself.) Your head under myhammer, any questions?

(CONTINUED)


3/22

CONTINUED: 2.

AGNUS (O.S.)WHAT DID YOU SAY? LOOK, I GOTTA GORUN TO MY MEETING.

DOUGIEHAVE FUN AT BINGO.

(Dougie smells his arm pits.)

DOUGIEWow! I better go freshen up beforework.

(Dougie picks up a towel, sprinkles baby powder on it, andthen rubs some on his arm-pits.)

INT. KITCHEN - MORNING MOMENTS LATER (DAY 1)

(DOUGIE, AGNUS, CAROL)

(Agnus is dumping out cereal on the counter. Dougie walksinto the kitchen wearing a shirt that says, "THE SPUDSTUD".)

DOUGIEMom, what are you doing?

(Dougie grabs a bowl, scoops up cereal from the counter, andsome that has fallen to the floor.)

AGNUS

Apparently, didnt use birthcontrol.

(Dougie uses his pinkie finger to dig in his ear, and flickswax away.)

DOUGIEYou know I saw this on cops once,after they raided a house.

AGNUSTrying to find my good luckcharm. Not trying to hide weaponsof mass destruction.

DOUGIEIm talking about drugs.

AGNUSYou doing drugs in my house!

(CONTINUED)


4/22

CONTINUED: 3.

(A knock at the side door. Agnus goes to answer. CAROLhands her money.)

CAROLIm sorry it...

(Agnus snatches the money quickly, and counts it.)

AGNUSIt better be all here.(whispered)

(Agnus stuffs the money in her bra.)

DOUGIEWhat is she talking about? Whatsgoing on?

CAROLWhats with that get-up? Agnus,

Ill call you later.

(Carol leaves.)

ACT ONE END

FADE OUT:

FADE IN:

ACT TWO

DOUGIE

What was that about?

(Carol grabs a treasure troll out of a cereal box, and petsit.)

AGNUSThere you are. Bad troll...

DOUGIEMom, focus! Why was Carol givingyou money?

AGNUSYour asking too many personalquestions, dont you think?

DOUGIEOkay. I gotta go to work.

(Carol hands Dougie cash from her bra.)

(CONTINUED)


5/22

CONTINUED: 4.

AGNUSCould you take the rent up to Mikeafter work?

DOUGIEEww. That just came from your...

AGNUSOh, dont act so new, you didntwanna unlatch until you were almostfour. You chipped your tooth whenI dried up.

DOUGIEYou told me that I fell off themonkey bars at the playground.

AGNUSYeah, more like caught the ground

with your face. You should of seenthe look on your face.

DOUGIEBecause of you, I grow up a socialoutcast in school.

AGNUSHey, for what its worth. Thatactually improved your looks.

(Dougie walks towards the door to leave.)

DOUGIEIm going to work, and on the waypretend that Im adopted.

AGNUSHey, potato king. Dont forget todrop off the rent after work... Oh,and one more thing. Clean up thismess to.

(Dougie leaves.)

INT. THE POTATO MASTER - MID DAY (DAY 1)

(MR. BUTTS, LINDA, TOMMY, DOUGIE, CUSTOMER 1)

(Linda is at the cash register speaking into themicrophone.)

(CONTINUED)


6/22

CONTINUED: 5.

LINDANumber 38... Number 38... Number38!

(CUSTOMER 1 walks over with ticket.)

CUSTOMER 1Oh, Im number 38.

(Linda hands him his food.)

LINDAIm really excited for you.(Pointsto face.) My excited face.

CUSTOMER 1What?

LINDA

Would you like extra spud sauce?

(Tommy hands Customer 1 some spud sauce.)

TOMMYDo you even know whats in thisstuff?

MR. BUTTSNothing but spud goodness. Thanksfor coming in. Try our new numberfive special next time.

CUSTOMER 1Yeah, thanks.

(Customer 1 leaves, and Dougie walks in.)

MR. BUTTSIt looks like everyone needs tofamiliarize themselves with chapterone of their employeehandbook. Mastering your spud.

TOMMYI guess you mastered your spud.

MR. BUTTSI have studied, and practicedmastering my spud.

TOMMYDid you master your spud alone?

(CONTINUED)


7/22

CONTINUED: 6.

MR. BUTTSOf course I did. You should trydoing it alone.

LINDAIm sure he does.(Laughs to

herself.)

(Dougie walks in.)

DOUGIEHey guys. Whats so funny? Whatdid I miss?

MR. BUTTSYour late Dougie.

DOUGIESorry. Having family issues.

MR. BUTTSYou know the rules.

DOUGIEBut the costume is itchy, andsmells funny.

EXT. THE POTATO MASTER - MID DAY MOMENTS LATER (DAY 1)

(DOUGIE, MR. BUTTS, KID, DAD, O.S VOICES, PASSERS-BY)

(Dougie is dressed as a giant potato handing out fliers topassers-by.)

MR. BUTTSAnd remember, a happy spud...

DOUGIEIs a happy customer.

MR. BUTTSGo getem tiger.

(Mr. Butts goes inside.)

DOUGIETry our new special, because your astud, when you try our spud.

O.SGet bent!

(CONTINUED)


8/22

CONTINUED: 7.

DOUGIEYou see, I cant really move inthis costume.

O.SHey spud. How about a little extra

sauce to go with that?

(Someone throws a fountain soda on Dougie.)

DOUGIE(To himself.)

Could this day get any worse?

(A DAD, and KID approach.)

KIDLook dad.

DOUGIEYou, and your dad want to try...

KIDNo loser! Dad your right, I neverwanna grow up to be this guy.

DADHey, Im sorry about that.(Pullsout a camera) Mind if we take apicture with you?

DOUGIE

I dont see why not.

DADOkay. Ready. One, two, three. Say,this guys a loser.(snaps picture.)

(Dad, and the kid leave.)

DOUGIEHEY, THIS WILL BE YOU IN TWENTYYEARS!

(Stranger walks by.)

DOUGIE(To stranger.) What are youlooking at? Never seen a hot spudbefore?


9/22

8.

INT. THE POTATO MASTER - MID DAY, MOMENTS LATER (DAY 1)

(MR. BUTTS, LINDA, TOMMY, DOUGIE)

(Mr. Butts walks out of the bathroom.)

MR. BUTTSYou should walk in there, and seethe filth thats on the wall.

LINDAI dont think so. That wasnt inmy job description.

MR. BUTTSIm talking about what someonewrote on the wall.

TOMMY

If your talking about what I thinkyour talking about, then Im goingto need a raise, health insurance,and vacation time.

MR. BUTTSWhat. No, its not what youthink.

(Tommy walks in, and walks out laughing.)

TOMMYSomeone wrote hole next to...

MR. BUTTSMy name. Yeah, I think we get thepicture.

TOMMYSorry mister...

MR. BUTTSDont say it, or your fired. Justclean it up please.

LINDA(Whispers to Tommy.) That was youthat wrote that huh?

TOMMY(Whispers to Linda.) Yep. Youdouble dogged dared me.

(CONTINUED)


10/22

CONTINUED: 9.

LINDAI guess I owe you this then.(HandsTommy twenty dollars.) Sorry itsall in ones.

TOMMY

Thats okay. Im going to theCats Tale tonight!

(Dougie walks in covered in all sorts of things.)

DOUGIEDont ask. Wheres Mr. Butts?

(Tommy, and Linda laugh.)

LINDAHole.

DOUGIEWhat?

TOMMYHe went to the back. Go look inthe bathroom, its great.(Laughs tohimself.)

DOUGIEIm sure nothing great has come outof the bathroom. Especially, whenyou eat double chili dogs.

LINDAI just threw up in my mouth alittle bit.

INT. POTATO MASTER, OFFICE - MID DAY, MOMENTS LATER (DAY 1)

(MR. BUTTS, DOUGIE)

DOUGIEHey Mr. Butts, I waswondering. Are you crying?

MR. BUTTSNo, your just imagining things.

DOUGIENo, I think your crying.

(CONTINUED)


11/22

CONTINUED: 10.

MR. BUTTSIts like my childhood all overagain.

DOUGIEYeah. I think Im going to go now.

MR. BUTTSI guess you didnt see what someonewrote in the bathroom?

DOUGIEI try not to read anything in thebathroom.

MR. BUTTSDid you hand out all the fliers?

DOUGIEI did. I was wondering if I could

leave early today because I have todo something for my mom?

(Mr. Butts is sniffling.)

MR. BUTTSWe might need...

DOUGIENo one is coming in.

MR. BUTTSFine. Go do something for yourmother.

INT. LANDLORD MIKES APARTMENT, FOYER - LATER DAY -(DAY 1)

(DOUGIE, HEATHER, MIKE)

(Dougie knocks on the door, and HEATHER answers the doorscantily clad.)

HEATHERMay I help you?

ACT TWO END

FADE OUT:

FADE IN:

ACT THREE

(CONTINUED)


12/22

CONTINUED: 11.

DOUGIEHi.

HEATHERAre you here for me?

MIKE(O.S)Whos at the door baby?

HEATHERI dont know, but I hope this isntthe present you have for me.

DOUGIEMe, no. Im actually here...

(Mike peeks out the door.)

MIKE

Hey, your not Julian.

DOUGIEOh, no. Im actually here to paythe rent for my mom Agnus. We staya few floors down.

HEATHERYour kinda cute for a mommas boy.

(Heather plays with her hair.)

MIKE

Who are you? Go back inside baby,and keep the bed warm.

(Heather goes back inside.)

DOUGIEAgnus, and Dougie fromdownstairs. I mean, Im Dougie,but you probably already knew that.

MIKEYou said Agnus right? You can keepthe check, and tell her Ill havethe rest later.

DOUGIEO-okay. You owe my mom?

MIKEShes one hell of a lady. Shesgot skills for sure. If you

(MORE)

(CONTINUED)


13/22

CONTINUED: 12.

MIKE (contd)dont mind, I need to get back tobusiness.

(Mike closes the door.)

MIKE(O.S)LETS GET READY TO RUMBLE!

(Dougie leaves.)

INT. AGNUS LIVING ROOM - EVENING, LATER (DAY 1)

(DOUGIE, AGNUS, CAROL, CYNTHIA, DIANE)

(Agnus, CYNTHIA, DIANE, and Carol are playing cards at thetable.)

CAROLIll call.(Puts down cards.) Thirdtimes a charm with these ladies.

(Agnus lays down her hand.)

AGNUSVery nice Carol, but I have threemen, with two bullets.(Collects thechips.)

DIANEI wish I had one man with just a

few bullets to spare, if you knowwhat I mean?

CYNTHIAIm glad I have my Arnie. Amilitary man, with just the rightamount of ammo.

(Dougie walks in.)

DOUGIEOh, hi ladies. Mom, I tried...

AGNUSWhat the hell are you doing here?

DOUGIEI live here.

(CONTINUED)


14/22

CONTINUED: 13.

AGNUSI mean, what are you doing usingthe front door? You never come inlike that.

DIANEHe can come through my front door

anytime.

AGNUSHey, thats my son your talkingabout.

DOUGIEIts okay mom, its kindaflattering.

AGNUSNo it isnt. She could do better.

DIANENo I couldnt.

DOUGIEMom, he handed me the checkback. And he said he would havethe rest later.

(Dougie hands her the check.)

AGNUSOh thanks. Did you check out hisswanky pad? It gets more actionthan a whore house in Vegas. Youcould learn a lot.

DOUGIEMom, why does Mike owe you moneylike Carol? Are you some type ofloan shark?

AGNUSLoan shark? Man, you areslow. Im just a friendly cardplayer.

CAROLWho happens to win all of ourmoney.

AGNUSHey, you want your heart medicationback?

(CONTINUED)


15/22

CONTINUED: 14.

DOUGIEMom, I cant believe you!

AGNUSOh, get a grip. Im actuallykidding. I have a nice set of

jewelery.

CAROLMy great Aunt Linda.

AGNUSShe had some good taste.(ToDougie.)Why are you home so early,didnt find a girlfriend yet huh?

DOUGIEI have a girl, friend!

AGNUSHey, hey. No need to get yourwhitey tighties in a bunch.

DOUGIEThere happens to be a girl at workI like.

AGNUSIm sure of it. You know Mike owesme a favor. Why dont you go overthere, and learn some moves fromCasanova.

DOUGIEMom, I dont need help with women.

AGNUSDont talk back to me boy! I canstill put you over my knee.

DIANEI like to put you over my knee. Oryou can put me overyours? Whichever you prefer.

AGNUSOh, and while your out, pick me upsome more Geritol would ya? I liketo keep myself flowingnaturally. Otherwise, I feelstuffed like a Thanksgiving turkey.

(Dougie exits.)


16/22

15.

INT. LANDLORD MIKES FOYER - LATER EVENING - (DAY 1)

(DOUGIE, MIKE, TIFFANY, HEATHER)

(Dougie knocks on door.)

TIFFANYWho are you?

DOUGIEIm looking for Mike.

(Heather steps out the door.)

HEATHERIts you again. Im Heather, andthis is Tiffany.

DOUGIE

Hi Tiffany. I remember youHeather.

HEATHERWow, you must be some type ofpsychic.

DOUGIEIm sorry, I dont follow.

TIFFANYYou should try it sometime.

(Mike steps out the front door.)

MIKEIm in the middle ofsomething. Tell Agnus that I willhave it...

DOUGIENo. This is really stupid, but shesent me to learn... Women.

MIKEWomen? You want to become a woman?

DOUGIENo, my mom thought you could do hera favor, and teach me how to catchwomen.

(CONTINUED)


17/22


18/22

17.

INT. LANDLORD MIKES LIVING ROOM, MOMENTS LATER - (DAY 2)

(MIKE, DOUGIE)

MIKEHave a seat. I spoke to your momAgnus on the phone. I have to tell

you that your mom is...

DOUGIECrazy, the spawn of Satan?

MIKEShes ready to be a grandma, butdoesnt want crazy cross-eyed grandkids.

DOUGIEWow. Kids, smelly diapers.

MIKEWhens the last time you had agirlfriend?

DOUGIEUm?

MIKETimes up. We gotta lot of work todo.

DOUGIETheres a girl at work.

MIKEIm guessing that you like her fromfar. Dougie, mental relationshipsare not real.

DOUGIEWhat do you mean?

MIKELets go out. I wanna teach yousomething about women.

DOUGIEOkay, I was wondering. Do you playtennis?

MIKENever played a day in my life. Oh,you mean Sandra? Yeah, shes got agreat game.


19/22

18.

INT. CLOTHING STORE, LATER DAY - (DAY 2)

(SALES PERSON, MIKE, DOUGIE)

(Dougie is trying on clothes in a dressing room. Mike isthrowing clothes over to Dougie to try on.)

(SALES PERSON walks over.)

SALES PERSONMay I help you with something?

MIKEYes, are these all the clothes, andsizes that you have here?

SALES PERSONIm afraid so, you could try thethrift store down the street.

MIKEOh, thanks. Youve been veryhelpful.

SALES PERSONWell, I am to please.

(Sales Person exits.)

MIKEDoing okay in there? Were going togo on a field test after this.

(Dougie steps out of dressing room.)

DOUGIEField test?

MIKEWe, and I mean you, are going tomeet a woman... And you look greatby the way. Thats the one.

DOUGIEI feel like some uppityyuppie. And when you say meet awoman, you dont mean from a streetcorner?

MIKENo, no. We are going to abar. Where else can we meet singledesperate women?

(CONTINUED)


20/22

CONTINUED: 19.

DOUGIEYou should see my moms pokernight.

INT. BAR, MUCH LATER - (DAY 2)

(DOUGIE, MIKE, NATAS)

MIKEOkay were here. Now the firstthing I want you to do is; like Isaid in the car, is to engage awoman.

DOUGIEEngage, got it.(Laughs tohimself.)Sounds like we are swordfighting.

MIKEHey, focus. I want you tovisualize the room. Theres awoman right over there by herself.

DOUGIEMaybe shes waiting for someone.

MIKEThat someone is you? Do you seehow see is stirring her drink? Sheis thinking about how she can find

a good man, and you are that man.

DOUGIEIm that man.

MIKEYes, your that man. Go get hertiger, and dont talk to much aboutyourself because women like to talkabout themselves. Just listen.

DOUGIEWhat should I say?

MIKESay, I can see your glass is almostempty, how about a refill?

DOUGIEOkay, wish me luck. I am a tiger.

(CONTINUED)


21/22

CONTINUED: 20.

MIKEGo getem tiger.

(Dougie walks over to NATAS, and Natas gestures him to sitdown.)

MIKE(To himself.) Mikey, I think shelikes him.)

(Dougie walks back over to Mike.)

MIKEWhats wrong?

DOUGIEShe wants to take me back to herplace.

MIKESo, whats the problem? Go get hertiger.

DOUGIEWhat about you?

MIKEThis is your moment toshine. Dont worry about me Illbe fine, but I better get detailslater.

(Mike slaps Dougie on the butt before he walks back toNatas.)

(Dougie and Natas leave.)

INT. DOUGIES ROOM, MUCH LATER - (DAY 2)

(NATAS, DOUGIE)

(Dougie is tied up to his bed with nothing but his boxerson, while Natas is chanting, and holding a knife in herhand.)

DOUGIEI dont think this is what I had inmind.

ACT THREE END

FADE OUT:

(CONTINUED)


22/22

CONTINUED: 21.

END CREDITS

the bird's and the bees2

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