the big bang theory spec - the ogre-glashow conspiracy
DESCRIPTION
As an aspiring Tv Writer, my resume is only as good as my writing ability. This is a spec script for The Big Bang Theory that I recently completed. Sheldon deals with harassment at a series of LARP events, Wolowitz and Kootherapalli find themselves going after the same woman, and Leonard faces off in a bet against Kripke. I hope you enjoy it :)TRANSCRIPT
THE BIG BANG THEORY
"The Ogre-Glashow Conspiracy"
written byKimberly Fagerlid
Kimberly [email protected]
TEASER
FADE IN:
INT. STAIRWELL - DAY (DAY 1)(LEONARD, SHELDON, WOLOWITZ, KOOTHRAPPALI, PENNY)
BATTLE WEARY AND COVERED IN DIRT, LEONARD, SHELDON, WOLOWITZ AND KOOTHRAPPALI TRUDGE UP THE FOUR FLIGHTS OF STAIRS. THEY ARE DRESSED IN FANTASY GARB - SHELDON THE ELF RANGER, LEONARD THE KNIGHT, WOLOWITZ THE BARD AND KOOTHRAPPALI THE HUMAN MAGE.
SHELDON’S EYES ARE OBSCURED BY A HOOD.
SHELDON
I’m just saying that it never would
have happened if you guys had followed
my plan.
LEONARD
It was forty pages long. Nobody has
time to read that.
KOOTHRAPPALI
And that’s not counting the post-its.
WOLOWITZ
There were more post-its than actual
pages.
KOOTHRAPPALI
And no pictures! Where are all the
pictures, man? I’m a visual learner.
SHELDON
And nobody showed up to the pre-game
meeting.
LEONARD
Everybody showed up. You spent the
entire time talking about period
culture and debating with Howard
wether we should bring Cheese Puffs or
Snickerdoodles as the midday snack.
WOLOWITZ
Cheese Puffs all the way.
SHELDON
You’re mistaken. Snickerdoodles
clearly outrank those cheesy balls of
cholesterol by quantum miles. And
Leonard, I meant the pre-pre-game
meeting.
WOLOWITZ
Did you guys notice the hot barmaid?
KOOTHRAPPALI
The blond in the green dress or the
brunette in the red?
WOLOWITZ
The blond. Totally got her number.
Bedroom eyes, baby, it’s all about the
bedroom eyes.
SHELDON
That’s ridiculous Howard, your eyes
can’t take on the quality of an entire
room. Where would you store your
sheets?
INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
THE BIG BANG THEORY - "THE OGRE-GLASHOW CONSPIRACY" 2.
THEY HEAD FROM THE STAIRS TO THEIR APARTMENT.
KOOTHRAPPALI
No way, she totally had a thing for
me.
WOLOWITZ PULLS OUT A NAPKIN WITH A PHONE NUMBER WRITTEN ON IT AND HOLDS IT UP TO KOOTHRAPPALI.
WOLOWITZ
Read it and weep.
KOOTHRAPPALI PRODUCES A NAPKIN FROM HIS POCKET, WITH THE SAME PHONE NUMBER, AND HOLDS IT UP TO WOLOWITZ.
WOLOWITZ LOOKS BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN THE NUMBERS.
WOLOWITZ (CONT’D)
This can’t be!
PENNY, DRESSED IN FANCY CLOTHES, COMES UP THE STAIRS, HEADING FOR HER APARTMENT. SHE STOPS, NOTICING THE GUYS ALL DRESSED UP.
LEONARD
You’re dressed up pretty fancy.
PENNY
Just got back from a date. George.
What’re you guys doing?
SHELDON
Raj and Howard are having woman
troubles and we just got back from
LARP.
PENNY
LARP? Sounds like the noise a puppy
would make. Larp, larp! Get it?
PENNY CHUCKLES, THE GUYS STARE BLANKLY. AWKWARD.
PENNY (CONT’D)
...Right.
THE BIG BANG THEORY - "THE OGRE-GLASHOW CONSPIRACY" 3.
THE GUYS ENTER SHELDON AND LEONARD’S APARTMENT, PENNY FOLLOWING WITH A SHORT GLANCE BACK TO HER DOOR.
INT. SHELDON AND LEONARD’S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
SHELDON
Live Action Roleplaying. We wander
around the forest getting beat-up by
fantastical humanoid creatures while
our friends scream and run away like
sissies.
LEONARD
I said I was sorry.
UPSET, SHELDON FLIPS HIS HOOD DOWN, REVEALING A BLACK-EYE. HE POINTS TO IT, ACCUSINGLY.
SHELDON
Well that doesn’t make this any
better, now does it?!
PENNY
Oh my God, Sheldon, what happened?
SHELDON
A 12-foot tall Ogre with a battle axe
and an ornery disposition, that’s what
happened.
LEONARD
Six feet, seven at most.
SHELDON
[TO PENNY, RE: LEONARD] He abandoned
me.
THE BIG BANG THEORY - "THE OGRE-GLASHOW CONSPIRACY" 4.
LEONARD
The battle axe was made of foam.
[DEFEATED] Fine. What can I do to make
it up to you?
SHELDON
You can start by buying me a
Snickerdoodle.
KOOTHRAPPALI
I’m going to call her. Leonard, let me
use your phone.
WOLOWITZ
No, she’s mine! Let me use your phone!
LEONARD
I’m not getting in the middle of this.
WOLOWITZ
Leonard, come on!
KOOTHRAPPALI
Do it for the children!
LEONARD
No. If you want to call her, use your
own phones.
KOOTHRAPPALI
It’s bad reception in here.
LEONARD
Then go outside.
KOOTHRAPPALI AND WOLOWITZ LOOK AT EACH OTHER FOR A MOMENT. IN CONTEST, THEY BOTH RUSH OUT THE DOOR.
PENNY
You really shouldn’t let people push
you around.
THE BIG BANG THEORY - "THE OGRE-GLASHOW CONSPIRACY" 5.
SHELDON
Well what can I say, I’m an elf. I’m
small and light of foot. I can kill
you from a distance, but in hand to
hand combat, I crumple like a
withering September leaf.
PENNY
That’s very poetic. But you’re a
science guy, can’t you beat the evil
Ogre with science-y type stuff?
SHELDON LAUGHS.
SHELDON
Please. This is basically fantasy
medieval, when they still thought the
Earth was flat and disease could be
cured by astrological signs.
PENNY
Like Lord of the Rings?
SHELDON
Color me impressed. I suppose I could
think of some crude, period worthy
device. I am the greatest mind of the
century, after all.
PENNY
There you go.
SHELDON
I hope I didn’t lose any of my
brilliance when I got hit, after
Leonard ran away.
THE BIG BANG THEORY - "THE OGRE-GLASHOW CONSPIRACY" 6.
LEONARD
How many times do I have to say I’m
sorry?
SHELDON
I don’t know, Leonard. How much longer
will it take for you to get me my
Snickerdoodle?
LEONARD FROWNS, HEADS FOR THE BEDROOMS.
SHELDON (CONT’D)
Where are you going?
LEONARD
Checking to see if I own a foam battle
axe.
SHELDON
Good. [TO PENNY] He should have been
an ogre. He’s way too temperamental to
be a Knight.
LEONARD YELLS FROM THE BACK ROOM.
LEONARD
I heard that! [BEAT] Keebler Elf!
SHELDON LOOKS INDIGNANT.
CUT TO:
MAIN TITLES
THE BIG BANG THEORY - "THE OGRE-GLASHOW CONSPIRACY" 7.
ACT ONE
INT. CALTECH LUNCHROOM - DAY (DAY 2)[SHELDON, LEONARD, WOLOWITZ, KOOTHRAPALLI]
SHELDON, WOLOWITZ AND KOOTHRAPALLI SIT AT A TABLE, EATING LUNCH. THEY ALL HAVE CANS OF POP.
LEONARD COMES UP, SITS, SETS HIS LUNCH DOWN - A CAN OF POP ON HIS TRAY.
SHELDON
Leonard, what are you doing on
Saturday?
LEONARD(suspicious)
Why?
SHELDON
There’s a debate, on String Theory.
Edward Witton is one of the speakers.
He believes that string theory is the
beginning of a true fundamental
description of the nature of all
things.
LEONARD
That name sounds familiar.
SHELDON
[SCOFFS] I should hope so. He was here
at Caltech back in 2001. He’s forth on
my list of People I Would Like to Be
If I Couldn’t Be Me.
LEONARD
Forth?
THE BIG BANG THEORY - "THE OGRE-GLASHOW CONSPIRACY" 8.
SHELDON
Underneath Leonard Nimoy, Spock and
The Green Lantern.
WOLOWITZ
What about Batman?
SHELDON
I don’t have the upper body strength
it takes to hang on to a grappling
hook.
KOOTHRAPALLI
And you don’t want everyone to see
your nipples.
SHELDON
In my mind, I’ve erased Batman Forever
from canonical lore.
KOOTHRAPALLI
If only we could erase it from our
minds completely.
LEONARD
At least we have The Dark Knight.
SHELDON
Thank God for Christopher Nolan.
LEONARD
Cheers.
THEY CLINK THEIR POP CANS TOGETHER.
LEONARD (CONT’D)
So who’s Witten debating against?
THE BIG BANG THEORY - "THE OGRE-GLASHOW CONSPIRACY" 9.
SHELDON
I don’t know, but I’m sure it will be
a titilating experience.
LEONARD
Hey, I’m trying to eat here.
WOLOWITZ
Sheldon Lee Glashow. He’s a math and
physics teacher at Boston U. He won
the nobel prize in ‘79.
SHELDON
What? That can’t be right. That’s my
name, he can’t have my name!
KOOTHRAPALLI
What are the odds? Two Sheldon Lee’s
in theoretical physics.
WOLOWITZ
How do we tell them apart? Oh I know,
only one has a nobel prize.
WOLOWITZ AND KOOTHRAPALLI HIGH FIVE.
KRIPKE SPOTS THEM, SAUNTERS OVER, LOOKING EXTRA SMUG.
SHELDON SEES HIM COMING.
SHELDON
[TO HIMSELF] Oh Lord, as if this day
can’t get any worse. This is so
unfair. It’s like some sort of Ogre-
Glashow conspiracy against me. [BEAT]
I need to go cheer myself up.
SHELDON STANDS.
THE BIG BANG THEORY - "THE OGRE-GLASHOW CONSPIRACY" 10.
LEONARD
Where are you going?
SHELDON
To figure out a rudimentary plan on
how to kill an ogre using only
medieval paraphernalia.
LEONARD
Good luck with that.
SHELDON
Thank you.
SHELDON LEAVES. KRIPKE ARRIVES.
KRIPKE
Hey losers. Guess who has a hot date
for the debate this Saturday? [BEAT]
That would be me.
WOLOWITZ
Your cousin in town?
KRIPKE GLARES AT WOLOWITZ.
KRIPKE
Har har. I’m going with Susan Flint.
LEONARD
Dr. Susan Flint? From the Geology
department?
WOLOWITZ
[TO KOOTHRAPALLI] I’d let her study my
rocks anytime.
KOOTHRAPALLI NODS IN AGREEMENT.
KOOTHRAPALLI
Me and her, we’d be volcanic.
THE BIG BANG THEORY - "THE OGRE-GLASHOW CONSPIRACY" 11.
LEONARD SHAKES HIS HEAD AT THE EXCHANGE, THEN FOCUSES ON KRIPKE.
LEONARD
How’d you ever trick her into saying
yes?
KRIPKE
I just asked her, I didn’t have to
trick her. Like some people.
LEONARD
Kripke, I could snap my fingers and
have a hot date before you could say
‘daaamn'.
KRIPKE
You’re on, Hoffstaeder. I’ll see you
and your [AIR QUOTES] date, this
Saturday.
KRIPKE STOMPS AWAY.
KOOTHRAPALLI
You’re going to ask Penny, aren’t you?
LEONARD
Yes. As a friend. Friends do that.
AWKWARD SILENCE.
LEONARD (CONT’D)
Sooo, what’s new with you guys?
WOLOWITZ
I have a date tomorrow night.
KOOTHRAPALLI
So do I.
LEONARD
[GRINS] With each other?
THE BIG BANG THEORY - "THE OGRE-GLASHOW CONSPIRACY" 12.
WOLOWITZ
No, with the hot blond barmaid.
KOOTHRAPALLI
I, too, have a date with the hot blond
barmaid. [LOOKS AT WOLOWITZ,
EMPHASIZES] Angela.
WOLOWITZ
How did you know her name?
KOOTHRAPALLI
‘Cause she’s my girl.
WOLOWITZ
No she isn’t, she’s mine!
KOOTHRAPALLI
Mine!
LEONARD
Look, guys, what time are your dates
set for tomorrow night? Whoever has
their’s first, gets the girl.
WOLOWITZ
Fair enough.
KOOTHRAPALLI
My date’s at four.
WOLOWITZ
So’s mine.
KOOTHRAPALLI
You can’t say that, that’s cheating.
WOLOWITZ
No, it really is at four. Why would
she make our dates at the same time?
THE BIG BANG THEORY - "THE OGRE-GLASHOW CONSPIRACY" 13.
KOOTHRAPALLI
Maybe she’s into the kinky stuff.
AN AWKWARD SILENCE.
WOLOWITZ
I’m going to go call her.
KOOTHRAPALLI
So am I.
KOOTHRAPALLI AND WOLOWITZ BOTH STAND. THEIR EYES LOCK FOR A MOMENT.
THEY EXIT IN A RUN, ONCE AGAIN IN COMPETITION.
INT. HALLWAY - DAY [DAY 3][SHELDON, LEONARD, PENNY]
SHELDON AND LEONARD IN COSTUME, RETURN FROM LARP. SHELDON LOOKS EVEN MORE BEAT-UP THAN BEFORE.
LEONARD
Sheldon, I-
SHELDON
Not another word!
PENNY APPROACHES.
PENNY
How did your LARP go?
SHELDON
You can’t tell by the amount of dirt
on my Elven garb? By the bruises I can
feel forming on every inch of my body?
PENNY
Ohh, I’m sorry.
SHELDON
You’re fine Penny, you don’t have
anything to be sorry about. You
weren’t there.
THE BIG BANG THEORY - "THE OGRE-GLASHOW CONSPIRACY" 14.
But then again, neither was Leonard.
[TO LEONARD] You owe me two
snickerdoodles now.
LEONARD
Come on, you can hardly blame this on
me. For example, I wasn’t the one who
constructed a bear pit in the middle
of the forest, forget where I dug it
and then fall into it.
SHELDON
I didn’t forget, I knew it was
somewhere near there, but it was
difficult to spot. After several years
of getting chased by bullies on the
walk home from school, I became very
adept at environmental camouflage.
PENNY
So it wasn’t an Ogre this time.
SHELDON
Yes it most certainly was.
LEONARD
They found him trapped in the hole,
after I left to get some rope to help
him out.
SHELDON
See? You left. Which you wouldn’t have
had to do, if you’d just followed my
original plan.
THE BIG BANG THEORY - "THE OGRE-GLASHOW CONSPIRACY" 15.
SHELDON (CONT'D)
(MORE)
It specifies gear, evenly spaced
between the four of us, so none of us
have to bare a large amount of weight.
LEONARD
Right. Except Howard and Raj didn’t
come with us this time.
SHELDON
Then it defaults to you.
LEONARD
How is that fair?
SHELDON
You need to build your upper body
strength. I saw your “People I Wish I
Were if I Wasn’t Leonard” List. With
your physic, Batman should be nowhere
near the top of your list.
LEONARD
Gee thanks.
SHELDON
Your welcome.
LEONARD
So Penny, what are you doing on
Saturday?
PENNY
I don’t have any plans but my
boyfriend tends to be spontaneous.
LEONARD
So, you are seeing that guy again.
What was his name...
THE BIG BANG THEORY - "THE OGRE-GLASHOW CONSPIRACY" 16.
SHELDON (CONT'D)
SHELDON
George, his name is George.
LEONARD
[ANNOYED] Thank you, Sheldon.
SHELDON
No problem.
LEONARD
[TO PENNY] So he’s spontaneous?
PENNY
Not that it’s any of your business,
but yes. He’s picking me up in a few
hours. Maybe.
LEONARD
It’s a little late isn’t it?
PENNY
Yes, well, he had to work late. But
more importantly, [TO SHELDON] what’re
you going to do about your Ogre
problem?
SHELDON
I suppose I’ll just have to go back
and try again.
LEONARD
Oh no, I’m not going back there.
Besides, the next LARP is on Saturday.
SHELDON
You’re going to make me go by myself?
PENNY
I’ll go with you.
THE BIG BANG THEORY - "THE OGRE-GLASHOW CONSPIRACY" 17.
SHELDON
Really?
LEONARD
You can’t!
PENNY (CONT’D)
And why not? I may not know sciency
stuff, but I can dress up. Kill some
ogres. Save the damsel in distress.
SHELDON
I appreciate the enthusiasm, but there
is no damsel in distress.
PENNY
Aww honey, you keep telling yourself
that.
LEONARD LAUGHS.
INT. LEONARD AND SHELDON’S APARTMENT - DAY [DAY 3][LEONARD]
LEONARD SITS ON THE COUCH, EXASPERATED. THERE IS A BLACK BOOK ON THE COFFEE TABLE. HE HOLDS A PHONE TO HIS EAR.
LEONARD
No? Alright, no that’s okay. [BEAT] No
I’m not going to start crying. [BEAT]
Okay, bye.
LEONARD HANGS UP. HE PICKS UP THE BLACK BOOK, DIALS A NUMBER, HOLDS THE PHONE TO HIS EAR.
LEONARD (CONT’D)
Hi, Marcy? This is Leonard. [PAUSE]
Leonard Hoffstaeder. [PAUSE] We went
to third grade together. Your brother
urinated on my glasses and stuffed me
in a garbage can.
THE BIG BANG THEORY - "THE OGRE-GLASHOW CONSPIRACY" 18.
(MORE)
You told me that the bits of banana
peel mixed with speghetti sauce and
saurcraut visually complimented my
sweater vest. [PAUSE, SMILES] I’m
doing well. Listen, I have this debate
on the fundamental aspects of String
Theory that I’m going to this Saturday
and I wanted to know if you’d be
interested in going with me? [PAUSE] A
new strain of antibiotic resistant e-
coli? [BEAT] Well that’s not
contagious. I’ll pick you up at-
[PAUSE] Projectile? Really? I’ll take
my chances. [PAUSE] Oh, you’re moving
to Antarctica? But they don’t offer
zoning for private residency in...
Hello? Hello?
LEONARD HANGS UP, PUTS THE PHONE DOWN.
LEONARD (CONT’D)
[UPBEAT] I’ll put that one in the
maybe pile.
INT. SHOP - DAY [DAY 4][WOLOWITZ, KOOTHERAPALLI, ANGELA]
WOLOWITZ ENTERS THE STORE. HE SEES ANGELA (31), HOT AND BLOND, BEHIND THE COUNTER - SHE WORKS HERE.
WOLOWITZ TAPS THE SHOULDER OF DAN (30).
WOLOWITZ
See that girl behind the counter?
She’s my girlfriend.
THE BIG BANG THEORY - "THE OGRE-GLASHOW CONSPIRACY" 19.
LEONARD (CONT’D)
DAN
Really? I haven’t seen you around here
before.
DAN LOOKS HIM UP AND DOWN, APPRAISING. HE LIKES WHAT HE SEES.
WOLOWITZ
We just started going out a few days
ago.
DAN
That’s great. So how long have you
been into leather?
DAN MOVES UNCOMFORTABLY CLOSE.
WOLOWITZ
Excuse me?
DAN
Leather bindings?
WOLOWITZ BACKS UP.
WOLOWITZ
Woah, woah, what are you talking
about?
DAN
Angela’s a dominatrix. Welcome to the
harem.
WOLOWITZ
Oh. Yeh. Great! Thanks! I knew that.
WOLOWITZ PUTS ON A FAKE SMILE AND GOES TO LEAVE. HE NOTICES KOOTHERAPALLI, DRESSED UP IN A SUIT. A MAN PASSES, KOOTHRAPALLI SMILES UNTIL THE MAN IS GONE. HE QUICKLY PULLS A FLASK FROM HIS JACKET POCKET, TAKES A DRINK AND THEN CONCEALS IT AGAIN.
WOLOWITZ GOES OVER TO HIM.
THE BIG BANG THEORY - "THE OGRE-GLASHOW CONSPIRACY" 20.
WOLOWITZ (CONT’D)
We gotta get out of here.
KOOTHRAPALLI
You’ve got to get out of here. This is
my date.
WOLOWITZ
No, dude. Angela’s a dominatrix.
[BEAT] She has a harem.
KOOTHRAPALLI
Really?
WOLOWITZ
Yes.
KOOTHRAPALLI
You’re making this up because you want
her for yourself.
WOLOWITZ
No way, ask her.
KOOTHRAPALLI
Fine then, I will.
WOLOWITZ
Subtle! Be subtle.
KOOTHERAPALLI AND WOLOWITZ GO TO THE COUNTER, WHERE ANGELA IS WIPING IT WITH A WASHCLOTH.
KOOTHRAPALLI
Hi Angela.
ANGELA
Hi Raj, Hi Howard.
WOLOWITZ
Hey.
THE BIG BANG THEORY - "THE OGRE-GLASHOW CONSPIRACY" 21.
KOOTHRAPALLI
Are you a dominatrix trying to get us
for your harem?
WOLOWITZ
Way to go on the subtly, genius.
KOOTHRAPALLI SMACKS HOWARD ON THE ARM.
ANGELA
Yes.
KOOTHRAPALLI
What? Really?
ANGELA
Yes.
KOOTHRAPALLI
Well we can’t.
ANGELA
What? Why not?
KOOTHRAPALLI
Cause, um, cause...
KOOTHRAPALLI LOOKS AT HOWARD FOR HELP, HOWARD SHRUGS.
ANGELA STARES AT THEM, EXPECTANT.
KOOTHRAPALLI (CONT’D)
We’re gay.
WOLOWITZ’S EYES GO WIDE AND KOOTHRAPALLI INSTANTLY REGRETS THE STATEMENT.
ANGELA
Oh really?
WOLOWITZ
Uh. Yes?
ANGELA LEANS BACK, FOLDS HER ARMS, ENJOYS WATCHING THEM SQUIRM.
THE BIG BANG THEORY - "THE OGRE-GLASHOW CONSPIRACY" 22.
ANGELA
Then kiss.
WOLOWITZ
What? Um. O-okay...
WOLOWITZ GESTURES FRANTICALLY AT KOOTHRAPALLI.
THEIR HEADS MOVE CLOSER.
CLOSER.
INCHES AWAY, WOLOWITZ’S PHONE GOES OFF. THEY BOTH JUMP BACK QUICK.
WOLOWITZ (CONT’D)
Oh, thank Jesus.
WOLOWITZ ANSWERS THE PHONE.
WOLOWITZ (CONT’D)
Howard Wolowitz speaking. [PAUSE] Slow
down, Leonard, calm. Breathe in,
breathe out. What’s going on? [PAUSE]
Oh my God. Sit tight, we’ll be right
there.
WOLOWITZ HANGS UP THE PHONE.
WOLOWITZ (CONT’D)
Sorry, we, uh...
HE GESTURES WILDLY BETWEEN HIMSELF, KOOTHRAPALLI AND THE PHONE.
WOLOWITZ (CONT’D)
Bye.
WOLOWITZ GRABS KOOTHRAPALLI BY THE ARM AND RUNS OUT THE DOOR.
EXT. FOREST - DAY [DAY 4][SHELDON, PENNY, GEORGE]
SHELDON THE ELF RANGER, PENNY THE ELF WARRIOR, WANDER THROUGH THE FOREST.
THE BIG BANG THEORY - "THE OGRE-GLASHOW CONSPIRACY" 23.
SHELDON
Thank you for coming, Queen Penelope.
Despite the fact that Leonard is male
and therefore the dominant one of the
species, as frightening as that may
seem, I think you’ll probably be more
useful in my Ogre-killing venture.
PENNY IS SLIGHTLY INSULTED.
PENNY
No problem, Shelly.
SHELDON
Please. Sheldor.
PENNY
Right.
A RUSTLE.
SHELDON
Shh, somebody’s close by.
FROM BEHIND THEM, A DEEP VOICE.
GEORGE (O.S.)
We meet again.
PENNY AND SHELDON TURN.
GEORGE (25), TALL AND HANDSOME IN HIS ORGE COSTUME, WIELDS A PAINTED FOAM BATTLE AXE AND A SMIRK.
GEORGE’S SMIRK DISSIPATES, AND HIS EYES WIDEN AS HE LOOKS AT PENNY.
PENNY
George?
GEORGE
Penny! Hi! Fancy meeting you here.
THE BIG BANG THEORY - "THE OGRE-GLASHOW CONSPIRACY" 24.
SHELDON
Penny, you know this barbarian?
PENNY
You’re the Ogre that’s been
terrorizing Sheldon?
GEORGE
But just look at him! He’s an elf! A
scrawny, prancing ninny. He’s asking
for it.
SHELDON
I did no such thing. [TO PENNY] I did
no such thing.
PENNY
[TO SHELDON] I believe you.
GEORGE
I can’t believe you’re taking his
side. I’m your boyfriend, Penny.
PENNY
Not anymore you aren’t.
GEORGE
What? No! You can’t break up with me!
PENNY
I just did. And by the way? This
small.
PENNY HOLDS HER THUMB AND INDEX FINGER TWO INCHES APART.
PENNY (CONT’D)
Let’s go, Sheldor.
GEORGE LUNGES AT HER WITH HIS BATTLE AXE.
SHELDON SQUEAKS IN FEAR.
THE BIG BANG THEORY - "THE OGRE-GLASHOW CONSPIRACY" 25.
PENNY DODGES THE BATTLE AXE, GRABS GEORGE BY THE ARM AND KNOCKS HIM TO THE GROUND.
SHELDON STARES, WIDE-EYED.
PENNY (CONT’D)
Not bad for a hometown girl.
SHELDON
That was amazing.
PENNY
That’s how you deal with bullies.
INT. LEONARD AND SHELDON’S APARTMENT - NIGHT[LEONARD, SHELDON, WOLOWITZ, KOOTHRAPALLI]
LEONARD, WOLOWITZ AND KOOTHRAPALLI SIT IN THEIR RESPECTIVE PLACES.
WOLOWITZ
Oh come on Leonard, you’ll look back
at this and laugh.
LEONARD
No I won’t.
WOLOWITZ
Then I’ll look back and laugh for you.
WOLOWITZ LAUGHS.
LEONARD IS NOT IMPRESSED.
SHELDON ENTERS, TRIUMPHANT.
LEONARD
[BITTERLY] You look awfully pleased
with yourself.
SHELDON
That’s because I am. The Ogre has been
slain and the hero has returned
triumphant.
THE BIG BANG THEORY - "THE OGRE-GLASHOW CONSPIRACY" 26.
WOLOWITZ
Penny defeated the Ogre, didn’t she?
SHELDON
Yes, but I was there. So technically
I’d still get the experience points.
WOLOWITZ
According to who?
SHELDON
According to Diablo Two.
WOLOWITZ
He’s got me there.
SHELDON
How was your night?
WOLOWITZ
Eventful. Right Leonard?
LEONARD
I don’t want to talk about it.
SHELDON
Technically, by saying that you don’t
want to talk about it, you are, in
fact, talking about it. Whatever the
‘it’ is.
KOOTHRAPALLI
Leonard got arrested.
SHELDON
[TO LEONARD] Did you get drunk and hit
on Edward Witton?
LEONARD
No. I didn’t go to the debate at all.
THE BIG BANG THEORY - "THE OGRE-GLASHOW CONSPIRACY" 27.
KOOTHRAPALLI
He made a bet with Kripke that he’d
get a date hotter than Susan Flint.
SHELDON
From the Geology department?
KOOTHRAPALLI
Yes.
SHELDON
[TO LEONARD] Did you try asking Alice
Cohen from Radiology? That’s pretty
hot. Hotter than Geology.
LEONARD
No, Sheldon.
SHELDON
But what does a bet with Kripke have
to do with you being arrested?
WOLOWITZ
[GLEE] He hired a prostitute.
LEONARD
She wasn’t a prostitute. [BEAT] She
was an undercover cop. Raj and Howard
had to come bail me out of jail.
KOOTHRAPALLI
[TO LEONARD] You owe us for that too,
man.
SHELDON
I don’t suggest asking for any sort of
food type or pastry.
THE BIG BANG THEORY - "THE OGRE-GLASHOW CONSPIRACY" 28.
(MORE)
I know first hand, he’s not very
reliable on that front.
WOLOWITZ
[TO LEONARD] How about a date?
THE BIG BANG THEORY - "THE OGRE-GLASHOW CONSPIRACY" 29.
SHELDON (CONT'D)
TAG
INT. CALTECH LUNCHROOM - DAY
LEONARD, WOLOWITZ AND KOOTHERAPALLI SIT AT A TABLE. LEONARD HAS A SMALL WHITE BOX IN FRONT OF HIM.
SHELDON COMES UP TO THEM, GIVES LEONARD A POINTED LOOK.
LEONARD RAISES THE WHITE BOX TO SHELDON.
SHELDON SMILES, VICTORIOUS, AND SITS. HE OPENS THE WHITE BOX AND PULLS OUT A SUGAR COOKIE.
SHELDON NOTICES WOLOWITZ’S PUZZLED LOOK.
SHELDON
Snickerdoodle.
END EPISODE
THE BIG BANG THEORY - "THE OGRE-GLASHOW CONSPIRACY" 30.