Baby Showers

Yes, these can be seen as a monstrous import from the US, a nation staggering under expensive get-togethers. Or, it can be seen as an opportunity to drink beer with your friends and hang out. Fine, if you’re preggo, you might not be able to knock back the cold ones like the good old days, but it certainly doesn’t have to be all pastel cupcakes and insisting the pregnant looks glowing when she’s shoulder-to-knee tiger-attack-stretchmarks, and hasn’t had a good night’s sleep in weeks. As with most parties, people bringing food and drink helps out, and a theme can work too. Good themes: Round Things Countries Around The Globe Drinking, Eating and Having a Good Time Bad themes: Almost anything you’ll find on the internet Although they thankfully weren’t cruel enough to actually play the games they found on the web, my sister and friends did read out all the games they could have played, including Guess The Girth and Melting Chocolate Bars Into Nappies. And I think any party that requires more homework than your job ever will, simply isn’t worth attending, so hold off on the Baby Photo Competitions that take weeks of emailing, printing, laminating, etc. Why not just eat yourself into stasis, and play some great music instead? My Top Ten Baby Hits:

1 ‘Plump’ – Hole ‘They say I’m plump/but I threw up all the time.’ Absolutely love this song, although how a fresh, hopeful mother-to-be might take to screamed lyrics like ‘He shakes his death rattle/spittle on his bib’ is unknown. I take no responsibility.

2 ‘lce lce Baby’ – Vanilla lce Because any excuse to play this is a triumph for humanity. (Discuss.)

3 ‘You’re the One for Me, Fatty’ – Morrissey Maybe only if the pregnant has a sense of humour.

4 & 5 ‘Push It’ – Salt n Pepa and ‘Push It Out’ – Beta Band Both great songs to warm up for your labour. Maybe even take them into the labour room?

6 ‘Babies’ – Pulp Because if you can’t play a fantastic song containing Jarvis singing ‘I want to take you home/I want to give you children’ at a baby shower, when can you play it?

7 ‘Between the Bars’ – Elliot Smith Opening as it does with, ‘Drink up baby…’ I always sang this to my babies during night feeds. Turns out, it was one of the first songs to which my eldest knew all the words. It’s probably they only cool thing I’ll ever do for them.

8 ‘This Woman’s Work’ – Kate Bush A song all about labour from the father’s point of view – if you aren’t all sobbing by the end, I don’t know what’s going to break you. For bonus points, make the pregnant watch the video featuring wonderful Tim McInerney.

9 ‘Don’t Worry Baby’ – The Beach Boys Admittedly, the one thing babies make you do is worry forever and ever until the end of time, but it’s a nice sentiment to cling to before labour kicks in. Oh, and it’s a fabulous tune.

10 ‘Baby Love’ – The Supremes Because a probably-alcohol-free party ain’t a party without some Wall of Sound. Just like the baby will make when it’s born.