The Art of Revision“That’s the magic of revisions – every cut is necessary, and every cut hurts, but something new always grows.”

- Kelly Barnhill

Let’s start with a review . . . What makes a good introduction?

A generalization concerning the main idea that gets the audience interested

Introduction to author (s) and work (s) before any specifics about the work

Necessary background info about characters and / or events after the work has been introduced

A solid thesis statement clarifying organization and main idea

Samples from introductionsGeneralization

Background Information

Complete Introduction

o What does not make a good introduction?o General reference to literatureo Information given out of order; for

instance, mentioning characters before the work had been clarified

o Background information about the work that has little or nothing to do with the main idea

o Confusing thesis statement or one that lacks needed information

Examples of general reference to literature: Authors use characters to make a point

about villainy. In literature authors develop suspense

to heighten anxiety. Poetry helps us to see the world from a

different perspective. (If the essay were solely about poetry, something like this would be o.k. – know your focus.)

And on to body paragraphs . . . With what should each body paragraph

begin? Topic sentence

And what should each topic sentence consist of? Topic of paragraph Reference to main idea transition

Examples of topic sentences: Moving from the topic of motive to reaction:

Though motive is definitely a factor, the true test of evil is the character’s reaction to his or her actions, and Zaroff proves he is the most villainous indeed.

Moving from anxiety to hope: Though both poems show a level of anxiety similar to

that indicated in “American History”, Dickinson’s poem also has a note of hope, an emotion not present in Hughes’ poem, proving Dickinson’s more closely relates to Ortiz Cofer’s story.

o With what should each body paragraph end?o Closing sentence

o And what should the closing sentence consist of?o Reference to what one is trying to proveo Using the topic at hand

o And what shouldn’t be mentioned?o The topic of the next paragraph

Would the following closing sentence be a good pairing with this topic sentence?

Topic sentence: Though motive is definitely a factor, the true test of evil is the character’s reaction to his or her actions, and Zaroff proves he is the most villainous indeed.

Closing sentence: Zaroff’s actions help to prove he is the most villainous.

Without the paragraph in between, what do we notice?

How might we revise the closing sentence to mention what we need but avoid repetition?

What makes for a good body paragraph? Proper topic and closing sentences Carefully chosen examples that naturally work in

proving the main idea (i.e. not forcing an example because you don’t want to look for another one)

Direct support from the work in question Analysis that uses words, literary devices, or

phrases from the quotes to prove the point Smooth transition adding consistency to the

essay Solid closing relating back to the main idea

What makes for good quote incorporation? Proper context so that the reader understands

where the quote came from Lead-in that uses the provided context to transition

smoothly into the quote Well chosen quotes that offer information the

author of the essay can analyze in terms of his / her point

Analysis of the quote that references the information provided in the quote and connects to what you are trying to prove

Proper MLA format

Which of the following short quotes would make for better analysis of Montresor’s reaction to what he did?

1. “My heart grew sick; it was the dampness of the catacombs that made it so. I hastened to make an end to my labor.”

2. “A wrong is unredressed when retribution overtakes its redresser.”

3. “I placed my hand upon the solid fabric of the catacombs, and felt satisfied.”

4. “ . . . your health is precious. You are rich, respected, admired, beloved; you are happy, as once I was.”

Why is this the best choice?

Analysis of winning quote: Montresor’s “ . . . heart grew sick; it was the

dampness of the catacombs that made it so. I hastened to make an end to my labor” (Poe 68). Had he felt completely fine, Montresor’s heart wouldn’t have “grown sick”, despite “the dampness of the catacombs.” The quick way he attributes his sickness to the catacombs sounds distinctly like denial. There is also the fact that he “hastened to make an end” of his labor, rather than slowly relishing it like he had before. While Zaroff feels no guilt, Montresor feels the tiniest bit, proving the former is the most villainous.

Let’s try another: Which of the following would best characterize Zaroff?

1. “Hunting? General Zaroff, what you speak of is murder.”

2. “The general smiled the quiet smile of one who has faced an obstacle and surmounted it with success.”

3. “The general’s eyes had left the ground and were traveling inch by inch up the tree. [. . . ] but the sharp eyes of the hunter stopped before they reached the limb where Rainsford lay; a smile spread over his brown face. Very deliberately he blew a smoke ring into the air; then turned his back on the tree”

4. “ [. . .] a tall man past middle age, for his hair was a vivid white; but his thick eyebrows and his pointed military mustache were a black as the night from which Rainsford had come. [. . .] He had high cheek-bones, a sharp-cut nose, a spare, dark face, the face of a man used to giving orders, the face of an aristocrat.”

Let’s see it in action:Zaroff is described as “[. . .] a tall man past middle age, for his hair was a vivid white; but his thick eyebrows and his pointed military mustache were a black as the night from which Rainsford had come. [. . .] He had high cheek-bones, a sharp-cut nose, a spare, dark face, the face of a man used to giving orders, the face of an aristocrat” (Connell 225). The fact that Zaroff is described as tall gives him an intimidating, terrorizing appearance that could be associated with villainy. His “vivid white hair” and his description of “past middle age” gives the reader a feeling that Zaroff is an older man and potentially harmful in this context. The metaphoric example comparing Zaroff’s dark eyebrows and mustache to the night Rainsford came from gives the reader a visual understanding of the evil in Zaroff’s face. Zaroff’s “military mustache” and “face of a man used to giving orders” leads the reader to infer that he has a history of violence and corruption.

Identify the quote with the proper lead-in: Montresor addresses Fortunato while they are

in the catacombs. “ . . . your health is precious. You are rich, respected, admired, beloved; you are happy, as once I was.”

Montresor tells Fortunato, “ . . . your health is precious. You are rich, respected, admired, beloved; you are happy, as once I was.”

Poe writes, “ . . . your health is precious. You are rich, respected, admired, beloved; you are happy, as once I was.”

Let’s try it again: Connell describes Zaroff’s smile as “[. . .] the

quiet smile of one who has faced an obstacle and surmounted it with success.”

Connell says, “The general smiled the quiet smile of one who has faced an obstacle and surmounted it with success.”

When Zaroff smiles, “[. . .] the quiet smile of one who has faced an obstacle and surmounted it with success.”

“Hamburger” Sheet

Context What are some questions I should ask

myself when trying to create context? What does my reader need to know about the

plot in order for my quote to make sense? Have I mentioned information I intend to

include in my analysis after the quote? I don’t want to be repetitive.

Have I provided too much plot? Is there any information here not directly related to my example?

Insufficient context:Though both poems show a level of anxiety similar to

that indicated in “American History”, Dickinson’s poem also has a note of hope, an emotion not present in Hughes’ poem, proving Dickinson’s more closely relates to Ortiz Cofer’s story. When Elena looks out the window “[she] could see the white snow falling like a lace veil over its face. [She] did not look down to see it turning gray [. . .]” (Ortiz Cofer 252).

Unneeded context:Though both poems show a level of anxiety similar to

that indicated in “American History”, Dickinson’s poem also has a note of hope, an emotion not present in Hughes’ poem, proving Dickinson’s more closely relates to Ortiz Cofer’s story. The story takes place when JFK is shot and the main character is a young girl. She loves this boy Eugene, and Eugene’s mom is a racist, so the mother will not let Elena study with him. After Eugene’s mother destroys her dream of studying with Eugene, Elena looks out the window and “[she] could see the white snow falling like a lace veil over its face. [She] did not look down to see it turning gray [. . .]” (Ortiz Cofer 252).

Proper Context Though both poems show a level of anxiety

similar to that indicated in “American History”, Dickinson’s poem also has a note of hope, an emotion not present in Hughes’ poem, proving Dickinson’s more closely relates to Ortiz Cofer’s story. Eugene’s mother destroys Elena’s dream when she turns Elena away from her home. Elena feels a keen sense of grief and disappointment; however, when Elena looks out the window in her room later that evening, “[she] could see the white snow falling like a lace veil over its face. I did not look down to see it turning gray [. . .]” (Ortiz Cofer 252).

Using the following topic sentence and quote, create the proper context and lead-in:

When compared to the other characters, Zaroff’s physical appearance proves he is the most villainous.

“[. . .] a tall man past middle age, for his hair was a vivid white; but his thick eyebrows and his pointed military mustache were a black as the night from which Rainsford had come. [. . .] He had high cheek-bones, a sharp-cut nose, a spare, dark face, the face of a man used to giving orders, the face of an aristocrat” (Connell 225).

Conclusion How does one create a stellar

conclusion? Begins with a reworded thesis or a clear

reference to one’s main idea. Provides insight concerning the main idea

referencing “heavy” examples from the essay if needed.

Ends with a universal statement about the main idea that blows Mrs. May’s mind.

Final task Get with your animal groups. Read each other’s conclusion. Which could use the most help? Fix it. Rewrite it to place under the

document camera to share.

CONGRATULATIONS

You have officially finished your writing review.

Live long and prosper.

“Like stones, words are laborious and unforgiving, and the fitting of them together, like the fitting of stones, demands

great patience and strength of purpose and particular skill.”

Edmund Morrison