The 40-70 RuleA Guide to Conversation Starters for Adult

Children and Their Senior Loved Ones

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Table of ContentsIntroduction to the 40-70 Rule ............................................................................... 3

Tips to Help Communicate With Seniors ......................................................... 4

Conversation Starters for Sensitive Senior Subjects ...................................... 6

When Health Changes Lifestyles ........................................................................... 6

Did Dad Hit a Lamp Post? ................................................................................... 7

You’re Going to Wear That? .................................................................................. 7

When the House Is a Mess ...................................................................................... 8

A Senior Moment or Something More? .............................................................. 9

The Medication Quagmire .................................................................................. 10

Sibling Communication ....................................................................................... 11

Mum’s Not Safe at Home .................................................................................... 11

The Money Talk ..................................................................................................... 13

When Dad Starts to Date .................................................................................... 14

About the Expert ....................................................................................................... 15

Resources ...................................................................................................................... 15

Advanced Directives ............................................................................................... 16

Talk About it ................................................................................................................ 22

Top Ten Tips on Making Your Will ................................................................... 24

About Home Instead Senior Care ...................................................................... 25

Information is provided by Home Instead Franchising Ltd and its Franchise Owner network for educational purposes only and should not be interpreted

as a recommendation for a specific course of action.

For further resources log onto www.homeinstead.ie or call 1890 930013

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Introduction to the 40-70 RuleThis guide is designed to help adult children and their ageing parents deal with those sensitive life topics that often make conversations difficult. How do you talk with your mum and dad about driving, dating and independence? And when do you start?

Based on research and experience, the international caregiving company Home Instead Senior Care® recommends that the earlier these conversations begin the better. The “40-70 Rule” means that if you are 40, or your parents are 70, it’s time to start talking – at least about certain senior topics.

This guide features a series of situations followed by possible responses for some of the most awkward senior subjects. Sooner is better, before a crisis occurs. But it’s never too late to start. These examples cover situations that can be addressed early, as well as those that have reached a crisis level.

The scenarios and responses were developed by Home Instead Senior Care, based on real-life experiences, and with input from communication expert and author Jake Harwood.

Home Instead Senior Care research forms the foundation for this guide. The company interviewed 1,500 adult children of ageing parents, asking them about their relationships with their parents, and how they handle discussing sensitive topics with these older adults.

A startling piece of research revealed that nearly one-third of adults have a major communication obstacle with their parents that stems from continuation of the parent-child role. The fact that many of these families still operate according to a parent-child model rather than a peer-to-peer one makes these conversations particularly difficult.

A list of communication tips provided in this guide is intended to help adult children of ageing parents surmount this obstacle and pave the way for better communication and a more fulfilling relationship.

Seven Tips to Help Adult Children Communicate With Their Ageing Parents Many adult children of ageing adults know how difficult it can be to talk with their parents about certain topics. Following, from Home Instead Senior Care and communication expert Jake Harwood, Ph.D., are tips to help family caregivers communicate with their ageing parents on sensitive subjects.

1. Get started. If you’re 40 or your parents are 70, it’s time to start observing and gathering information carefully and thoughtfully. Don’t reach a conclusion from a single observation and decide on the best solution until you have gathered information with an open mind and talked with your parents.

2. Talk it out. Approach your parents with a conversation. Discuss what you’ve observed and ask your parents what they think is going on. If your parents acknowledge the situation, ask what they think would be good solutions. If your parents don’t recognise a problem, use concrete examples to support your case.

3. Sooner is best. Talk sooner rather than later when a crisis has occurred. If you know your loved one has poor eyesight or has trouble driving at night, begin to address those issues before a problem arises.

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4. Forget the baby talk. Remember you are talking to an adult, not a child. Patronising speech or baby talk will put older adults on the defensive and convey a lack of respect for them. Put yourself in your parents’ shoes and think of how you would want to be addressed in the situation.

5. Maximise independence. Always try to move toward solutions that provide the maximum amount of independence for the older person. Look for answers that optimise strengths and compensate for problems. For instance, if your loved ones need help at home, look for tools that can help them maintain their strengths. Professional caregiving services, such as those offered by Home Instead Senior Care, provide assistance in a number of areas including meal preparation, light housekeeping or medication reminders. Or find friends who can help.

6. Be aware of the whole situation. If your dad dies and soon afterward your mum’s house seems to be in disarray, it’s probably not because she suddenly became ill. It’s much more likely to stem from a lack of social support and the loss of a life-long relationship. Make sure that your mum has friends and a social life.

7. Ask for help. Many of the issues of ageing can be solved by providing parents with the support they need to continue to maintain their independence. Resources such as Home Instead Senior Care, health centres and local senior citizen centres can help provide those solutions.

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Conversation Starters . . .For Sensitive Senior Subjects

To help adult children of older adults know what to say, following are various scenarios of common senior topics. Each is backed by Home Instead Senior Care research. Responses were developed in cooperation with Jake Harwood, Ph.D.

When Health Changes LifestylesYour 70-year-old widowed mother has just been diagnosed with macular degeneration, a disease that causes deterioration of eyesight. How do you begin a conversation with her about the possible ramifications of this disease on her life?

Many seniors in this situation might begin the conversation with family themselves. If not, then it would be good to think about her personal circumstances and important areas to address. For example, if your mother lives in a remote area, transportation is probably the most immediate issue. Approach the conversation with the goal of trying to resolve this one issue, rather than multiple issues.

Timing is the key. There are rarely urgent deadlines that have to be met immediately – give yourself and your parent time to think about issues. Your mum would likely be receptive to a conversation that begins: “Let’s figure out a plan for how you can get around town if you no longer feel safe driving.”

Research: Nearly one-third (31 percent) of Adult Children said their biggest communication obstacle with ageing parents is continuation of the parent-child roles that emerged in childhood, making discussion of sensitive issues even more difficult.

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Did Dad Hit a Lamp Post?A neighbour of your 83-year-old dad has called to tell you he saw your father back his car into a lamp post. What do you say?

If the damage is visible, you could ask, “Hey Dad, what happened to the car?” Or you could bring up the phone call from his neighbour. “Fred from next door called and said he saw you run your car into the lamp post.” This is an example of a situation that calls for more general observation. Take the opportunity to drive with your parent. Even a short drive would help you gauge your dad’s skills and deficits.

For instance, an older adult who consciously reduces driving at night because of vision issues or who drives a little slower to account for reaction time is probably safe. On the other hand, an 83-year-old who insists on driving on icy roads at night while doing 120 kph is probably in need of immediate intervention. Then gear your comments accordingly. If you’re concerned that your dad is unsafe on the roads, make his safety and that of others your focus. “Dad, I’m worried that you’re no longer safe on the roads and that others could be at risk as well.”

You’re Going to Wear That?You’re planning a birthday party for your 85-year-old mother and she insists on wearing her favourite blue dress. Because her eyesight is poor, she can’t see that the dress is stained and worn. What do you do?

It’s important to determine whether this really is an issue – that the stains are worth addressing with your mother. If so, be direct: “Mum, did you know that your party dress is stained?” Then offer to have it cleaned or, better yet, suggest a shopping trip: “Mum, this is a really special occasion. I’d love to buy you a new outfit. Let’s go shopping.”

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If she still wants to wear the dress, then a family meeting or a fight with your mum is simply not worth it. You may need to figure out a way to overcome any embarrassment that you feel at your mum’s appearance, but ultimately what she wears should be her choice. The embarrassment that you feel is your problem, not hers. Chances are, though, if she knows you are apprehensive about the dress and willing to help her find a new one, she will agree.

When the House Is a MessYou find that your 77-year-old mother’s house is often in disarray when you visit. You believe it’s time for her to make a change in her living arrangement. What do you say?

Observation and careful attention to the problem should be your first course of action. Avoid diagnosing a problem and deciding on a

solution quickly. Approach your mother with a sense of working together to find a solution rather than telling her what to do.

The specific circumstances – such as financial constraints – may be relevant. Is the problem simply that your mother is physically challenged by strenuous housework or is she deteriorating mentally? Does she just need help tidying up around the house or are other aspects of her personal care, such as bathing, going downhill?

Research: The most difficult topic for adult children to discuss with their ageing parents was that they have to leave their home. That conversation was a problem for more than half (53 percent) of those who were still in the parent-child role, as well as more than one-third (35 percent) who didn’t have that communication obstacle.

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Assuming that the problem is physical – where activities such as vacuuming or bending are becoming issues – then begin the conversation with an offer: “Mum, I have some extra cash. What do you say we find someone to help you with the heavy stuff, like vacuuming? It will be my treat.” Seniors are often very willing to accept help around the house. And most communities have ample resources such as cleaning services and companies like Home Instead Senior Care that can help.

A Senior Moment or Something More?You’ve just stopped by your parents’ house and for the second time in a month, noticed that your 70-year-old mother has forgotten the name of a close friend. Is it Alzheimer’s disease or dementia, a senior moment or just a passing phase? More importantly, how do you find out?

Make sure you consider your mum’s history and personality so that you can determine if this is a change. Some people have always been bad with names, but if your mum is forgetting a close friend’s name and you notice signs of disorientation, you might say: “Mum, perhaps you should see a doctor and get checked out. I’m sure it’s nothing, but it

would really put my mind at ease if you’d let a doctor make sure your memory is O.K.” Such a conversation starter focuses on the positive not the negative.

Research: A parent’s cognitive condition was a topic that 50 percent of Adult Children wanted to know more about.

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The Medication QuagmireWhen visiting your 85-year-old dad, you see bottles of medication on the kitchen counter, on the bathroom counter and on his bedside locker. You wonder how he is keeping all of his medications in order. What do you ask?

It’s good to use humour and, in a situation like this, to assume that he is keeping them in order (innocent until proven guilty). There may be good reasons why some of his medications are in the kitchen (he’s taking them with food), while others are on the bedside locker (he’s taking them before bed).

Pointing to a bottle and asking, “How do you keep all these pills in order, Dad?” would be a good conversation starter. If the response includes the reasons you suspected above, then it sounds like things are under control. If, however, he says, “I don’t know.

I do my best. I’m not even sure what some of them are,” then the situation probably needs more attention.

If he’s having a problem, talk to him about a pill organiser, which could help him keep his medications better organised: “Dad, I’ve heard about organisers that can help you keep all your pills in one place and make it easier for you to keep them in order. Why don’t I check into it?” In addition, one service that Home Instead CAREGiversSM provide seniors is medication reminders to assist them in manageing their daily medications.

Research: Forty-nine percent of adult children said they were interested in learning more about their parents’ medication management.

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Sibling CommunicationAfter finding many of the light bulbs burned out in your 86-year-old parents’ house, you believe that they’re beginning to need more assistance. As the oldest of five children in the family, how do you approach your siblings? What other resources can you tap into?

Siblings can be a good reality check. You might say to a brother or sister, “I think that Mum and Dad may be having problems changing their light bulbs. Have you noticed anything?” But it’s important not to get involved in a group-think cycle where the siblings all start seeing problems and building grand disaster scenarios.

If a parent needs a little more help around the house, that shouldn’t result in siblings picking out a nursing home and putting their parents’ house on the market. Perhaps all the parents need is a little extra assistance. Go to your Home Instead Senior Care office or local health centre for resources that can help. A geriatric care manager also can be of benefit.

Mum’s Not Safe at HomeLately when you’ve been visiting your widowed 83-year-old mother, you notice bruises on her arms and legs. She said she’s just clumsy, but you suspect she’s been falling. You know she’s too independent to ask for help. How do you find out?

Bruising is a complicated issue. On one hand, bruising occurs more easily in older people; sometimes (especially with certain medications) bruising can occur without any injury, fall or impact of any kind.

Research: Nearly three-quarters (71 percent) of respondents said it would be helpful to involve siblings in talking with parents, while nearly half (49 percent) said seeking counsel from a senior-care professional would be useful.

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So depending on your relationship with your mum you may be able to believe her if she says that she’s not falling. On the other hand – and at the other extreme – repeated bruising might indicate either falling or some other form of physical trauma (e.g., physical abuse of some kind, perhaps). Of course, these two considerations lead to completely different solutions.

In the first case, there’s no cause for concern. However, if the bruising is significant she might want to consider medication adjustments. Ask her to consult her doctor. In the second case, intervention is clearly needed. It’s another case where considering the entire context is important. Has the

increase in bruising occurred at the same time as some other change in her life? For instance, noticing significant bruising soon after your mum started working with a new home health care assistant, or after she moved into an assisted living environment, would be a red flag. Similarly, seeing bruising after she’s started on some new medication also might be a reason to attend carefully to the issue (e.g., certain medications might cause disorientation that leads to falls).

Why not start the conversation like this: “Mum, that’s a nasty-looking bruise! Where did you get that?” And then probe with another question if she gives a generic response such as “I’m just clumsy.” For instance: “Sure Mum, this whole family is clumsy, but we aren’t all walking around with big bruises on our arms and legs. So how did it happen?”

Research: Health (28 percent) was among other difficult topics for Adult Children to broach with their senior loved ones.

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The Money TalkYour parents have always been very independent and private about handling their finances. Lately you’ve seen that they’ve been cutting back on food and other necessary products. You’re concerned that their staples are in short supply. How do you broach this subject?

This is a tough one and probably a situation where you need to “bite the bullet” and talk about it, no matter how uncomfortable. Some reasonable conversation starters might be, “Boy, there’s not much food around the place – what are you guys eating?” Pay attention to the tone you use. This sentence could be said in an accusatory or a humorous fashion. Obviously the latter is more likely to get a positive response.

If this is too informal, try a more straightforward approach: “Mum, I’m a bit concerned about whether you and Dad are eating enough.” Malnourishment can be a significant problem with older adults, and can be a sign of

other issues that might need attention over and above finances – such as poor-fitting dentures or even depression.

If the other evidence points to a financial issue, ask about that directly or simply make an offer: “I know you’re pretty private about money, but you know that if you ever ran into problems I’d do what I could to help, right?”

And don’t forget about different communication channels. Sometimes, it’s easier to at least start the discussion of emotional or private issues in a less personal communication medium, even if it’s only to say that you want to talk to them about the issue. For some people, raising this kind of issue can be easier on the phone, or even

Research: Money (21 percent) also was near the top of the list of challenging subjects for adult children to broach with older adults.

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in an e-mail. Once you’ve said what you want to talk to them about in an e-mail, it’ll be a lot easier to raise the topic in person. You may even find them doing it for you. For example, “What’s with this e-mail you sent us, eh?”

When Dad Starts to DateSince your mother died a year ago, your 77-year-old father has started dating a widowed family friend. You’d like to know more about what’s going on, but how do you begin the conversation?

If you want to introduce the topic, a gentle inquiry like the following would be fine: “So it seems that you’ve been seeing quite a bit of ‘Fran’ recently.” After this, you should probably see whether your dad wants to share additional information. If he doesn’t, that’s his prerogative.

One exception would be if you have some information that there is abuse or exploitation in the scenario. For instance, if you sense that your dad’s love interest may be taking advantage of him financially,

some additional probing might be justified, depending on the specifics.

If your dad has money and this friend doesn’t, and suddenly the friend shows up driving a new luxury car, you might ask your dad, “Do you know who bought her that car?” If the friend moves

in with your dad and a lot of new things appear around the house, which don’t fit your dad’s style, you might ask, “This doesn’t look like your kind of thing, Dad. Did you buy this?” Otherwise, be happy that your dad has a girlfriend and don’t force him to disclose more than he’s comfortable telling you.

Research: Nearly half (47 percent) of adult children are “not very” or “not at all” comfortable speaking to their moms or dads about their parents’ romantic lives.

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About the Expert Jake Harwood (Ph.D., University of California, Santa Barbara) is professor of communication and former director of the Graduate Program in Gerontology at the University of Arizona. His research focuses on communication and ageing. Harwood’s research draws on theories of social identity, intergroup behaviour and communication accommodation.

He is the author of Understanding Communication and Ageing (2007, Sage Publications) and co-editor of Intergroup Communication: Multiple Perspectives (Peter Lang, 2005), and has published in professional journals more than 50 articles on intergenerational communication, grandparenting and media portrayals of ageing. His recent publications have appeared in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, Journal of Communication, Communication Monographs and Human Communication Research.

In 2004, Harwood was the recipient of the National Communication Association’s Giles/Nussbaum Distinguished Scholar Award for outstanding teaching, scholarship and service to the field of communication and ageing.

ResourcesFor more information about the 40-70 Rule campaign, visit the Web site

www.homeinstead.ie

Contact Jake Harwood at jharwood@u.arizona.edu. To order his book, Understanding Communication and Ageing, visit www.amazon.com.

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ADVANCEDDIRECTIVES

Life LegaciesYour 80-year-old widowed father is starting to have health problems. You know your parents have a will but, beyond that, you have no idea what else needs to be in place. What more does your dad need and how

do you begin the conversation with your parents about these issues?

Vital DesignationsA Will is possibly the most important document your father will sign. In it, he gets to choose who he would like to leave a legacy to after his passing. A Will becomes effective only on death.

But what happens if, during his lifetime, he becomes mentally incapacitated? Well, an Enduring Power of Attorney is a good start. He would sign this document while he is mentally able to do so. It is designed to become effective only in the event of any subsequent mentally incapacity. In an Enduring Power of Attorney document your father appoints one or more attorneys, usually family members, to step in and manage his affairs when he is no longer able to do so himself. Essentially, the attorneys can access bank accounts, sell property to pay bills, pay home care or nursing home costs and so on.

At the moment your father is unable to make decisions regarding medical treatment. Although he is incapacitated, under Irish law at present his attorneys cannot make advance care decisions or ‘advance care directives’ for him. In September 2009, the Law Reform

Research: Nearly half (46.4%) of Adult children said they would like to know more about their parents’ end-of-life wishes including medical directives

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Commission however has recommended that ‘advance care directives’ should be introduced and that people be given the opportunity to decide while they are in their full faculties, whether they wish to receive or decline certain medical treatment in the event of any subsequent mental incapacity.

Getting StartedSecond, your dad needs a personal, pre-planning checklist. This is a list that will help his family know the friends and professionals he would like notified if something happens to him, what accounts to close, what announcements to post, which wishes to carry out and the non-titled property to be disbursed. Brainstorm a list of information that would possibly be needed. Include names along with contact and account numbers for: retirement pay, insurance policies, investments, bank accounts and safe-deposit boxes, properties, accountant firms, pre-paid arrangements for death—anything that comes to mind.

Such checklist is the popular Personal Affairs and Possessions List which is available free to download from myinheritance.ie.

It is presented with explanation in the bestselling book Inheritance and Succession and Make your Will both books by solicitors John G. Murphy and Jason Dunne. See: www.libertiespress.com.

Important DetailsDon’t forget to make note of phone service, newspaper delivery,association memberships, family, friends and neighbours who shouldbe called. Detail wishes for final arrangements. In what newspaperor newsletter would he like an obituary to appear? Is there a placewhere donations should be made in your parent’s name? What are thefuneral arrangements? Perhaps a credit card could be made available for your father’s Legal Personal Representative (Executor) to use when carrying out official duties after his death. (Suggestion: Carefully stipulate how the card is to be used and that it is to be destroyed once the duties are carried out.) Property

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disbursement—specific items that go to specific people—might alsobe discussed and written down. Let your checklist evolve as you learnand talk with others. If all this information is signed, dated and kepttogether (with the will) in a safe location known by his adult children,then Dad will be truly good to go.What to Say So how do you begin the discussion with your dad about such a sensitive subject? How about designing a pre-planning checklist for yourself? Or download the free list from www.myinheritance.ie (After all, you’ll need one someday, too.) You might begin by engageing your dad in conversation: “Dad, I’m preparing a checklist in the event something happens to me . . . and for the inevitable. Would you look this over and see if this makes sense to you?” If possible, involve all siblings in the process. If you make copies of this checklist for Dad and your siblings, he would be more likely to pull one together for himself. This could even turn into a family project, whereby the adult children help suggest and gather the information, so that everyone stays in the loop. And, if everyone is working on their own checklist, Dad won’t feel so “singled out.”

Five Ways to Talk with Your Loved One

About End-of-Life Issues Keep it light. Have this talk at a time that is not serious.

Try to make it a fun experience; reserve a private dining room in a restaurant or a family sunday lunch.

Immediate family only. Limiting this type of meeting to immediate family members is often more efficient. The group is smaller; your parent will likely be delighted to spend time with just his or her children and be more open to the discussion.

Don’t make it an intervention. Think about how you would like to be approached with such matters. Maybe start by sharing a story of another family in a similar situation or produce your

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pre-planning checklist and talk about how you are “getting your affairs in order.”

Make good use of a holiday gathering. This may be when all family members are present and, therefore, a good opportunity to devote some of the time to discussing these details. Perhaps the oldest sibling could initiate the conversation, but no sibling should be left out.

Limit initial expectations. Even though a talk about end-of life issues may have been on your mind for a while, it might not be top-of-mind for your parent. Allow your parent to process the proposals and maintain as much dignity and independence as possible. It might be easier than you imagine.

Expert advice from Jo Myers, author of Good to Go — The ABCs of Death and Dying, The Ultimate Planning Guide for Adult Children and their Parents. For more information: www.GoodToGoTheBook.com. For her book, Jo interviewed 30 professionals and Adult Children about end-of-life issues. Good to Go is her personal story with appropriate humour and

professional advice about pre-planning for death. Good to Go contains an at-a-glance, personal, pre-planning checklist that can help anyone address the inevitable without intimidation.

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Life Legacies Pre-Planning ChecklistFollowing is a pre-planning checklist from Home Instead Senior Care and author Jo Myers that can help your senior loved one ensure their affairs are in order:

Life Legacies Pre-Planning Checklist

aDesignate an enduring power of attorney to ensure that proper information can be accessed in the event of your illness or death. Make sure an enduring power of attorney for health care is in place so that your wishes are carried out if you are unable to do so.

a Prepare a contact list of individuals who should be notified in a medical emergency or death.

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Make sure your legal representative (LPR or executor) has a list of important account information or telephone numbers for retirement plans, insurance policies, investments, bank accounts, safe-deposit boxes, properties, funeral directors and accountant firms. Remind your legal personal representative that if you’re receiving benefits such as those from the Department of Social Welfare, they should be contacted as well.

aMake arrangements for telephone and utilities services, and newspaper and magazine deliveries, to be cancelled.

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Life Legacies Pre-Planning Checklist

a Make arrangements for pets to find a new home.

a Write an obituary or jot down information you would like included in an obituary.

a Decide where obituary and memorial information should appear.

a Specify the type of service you would like including the burial you prefer and make those arrangements.

a Decide the type of service including speakers and music that you would like.

a Decide what organisations or church will benefit from donations in your name.

For more information, contact a solicitor.

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Advance Care Directives: Written and VerbalAn advance care directive (sometimes called a “living will”) sets out a person’s instructions or wishes that a certain specified medical treatment that might be considered in the future is not to be carried out or continued. An advance care directive allows the person to give their views now about future treatment in the case they will not be able to do so because of an incapacitating accident (such as a serious car crash) or illness (such as stroke or the onset of Alzeheimer’s disease) that makes it impossible for them to communicate their wishes directly.

An advance care directive can be written or verbal and, quite often, the person will also nominate another person, called a care proxy, to carry out their wishes. Talk to a legal representative for advice.

Talk About ItNo matter what age you are, good communication is the key to solving problems. It’s all about talk. To solve problems, talk about them. Talking will bring options and with options comes solutions. Keep your focus on the perfect outcome. If necessary, talk to a non-family member, friend or neighbour, or even an outside expert such as a solicitor or counsellor. The key to good communication may be the use of a simple three letter word; ‘ASK’. However, the three-letter word ‘SHY’ may stop you ASK-ing. Whether you are 40 or 70, don’t be shy. There are no silly questions; there are only silly answers. If something is troubling you or is of concern to you, ask someone. Ask often if necessary until you get your answers.

Be prepared sometimes for a less than satisfactory answer. Or even for someone who may give you a rude reply. Shake those off like water off a duck and move on. Try a different approach but most importantly, keep trying. Sometimes you may not have the courage to ask a difficult question. Try to get around it by offering some information such as

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“I need your help” or “ I have a problem”. Or, get a trusted friend to broach the subject and do it for you.

Good communication is continuous. Talk should be followed by action – the three letter word ACT! Some families are good at communication. Unfortunately, most are not. A challenge may be the five letter word TRUST. If you think you can’t trust someone close to you, go to a professional. Sensitivities are always a barrier to good communication. Stubborn people may prevent solutions for years resulting in huge costs of human suffering, time and money.

Don’t get STUCK.

If problems between two people get to a serious level, and communication between them fails with the result of preventing progress, the solution may be to engage a mediator. No matter how bad things get, keep talking. A good mediator is usually someone who is independent of both parties, who is skilled and professional and who most importantly is trusted. Many solicitors and counsellors have undergone specialist training in mediation. Help is out there. You only have to ASK.

Our ExpertsJohn G. Murphy is a solicitor for the last 28 years. He is a member of the Irish criminal legal aid panel, the family civil legal aid panel, and the legal panel for Mental Health tribunals.

Jason Dunne has more than 20 years of experience in the legal profession. He deals with wills, probate, related litigation, and tax issues for clients in Ireland and abroad.

John and Jason are authors of:• Inheritance and Succession - The Complete Guide • Make Your Will - The Irish Guide to Putting Your Affairs in Order

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Top 10 Tips on Making a WillHalf of the eligible people of Ireland have not made a will.  If you have not made a will before, or if you have already made one but have forgotten the content of it, here are ten top tips:

On a sheet of paper, write out a list of all the things you own e.g. your house, your car, your CD collection and so on. This is called your estate. Some call it your property or your assets.

Choose two people whom you trust with your life. They will be your executors.

Write a list of the people to whom you want to leave something. They’re your beneficiaries.  (By the way, you can appoint a beneficiary to be your executor.)

Pick up the phone and make an appointment to meet your solicitor. Don’t make a will by yourself suited to your wishes.

Ask your solicitor about potential tax savings for your beneficiaries. We know of no will that said:’ I leave 25 per cent of my estate to the Revenue Commissioners’!

Witnesses to your will cannot be beneficiaries.

When making your will, think about trusts for young or disabled children.

Ask your solicitor to store your original will safely.

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About Home Instead Senior Care Home Instead Senior Care is the world’s largest provider of non-medical home care and companionship services for seniors, with more than 800 independently owned and operated franchises in Ireland, Canada, Japan, Portugal, Australia, the United States, New Zealand, the United Kingdom, Taiwan, Spain, Switzerland and Germany. Non-medical services include companionship, meal preparation, medication reminders, light housekeeping and escort for errands and shopping. More than 40,000 CAREGiversSM are screened, trained, supervised, insured and have successfully passed Garda background checks.

Services are available at home or in care facilities for a few hours per week, or as many as 24 hours a day, seven days a week, including holidays. Family members can’t always be there for senior parents and relatives, so Home Instead CAREGivers are the next best thing.

Home Instead CAREGivers complete a multi-phased safety and caregiving education program. This features case studies, senior illness information, stimulating activities, nutritional recipes, and tips for coping with stress. In addition, Home Instead Senior Care offers its CAREGivers an industry-leading Alzheimer’s training program.

Home Instead Senior Care have been approved by the HSE to provide enhanced home care services. These services are VAT exempt and attract tax relief of up to 41%.

Home Instead Senior Care was awarded the National Business Services Award in March 2008, by an Taoiseach, Bertie Ahern T.D.

To find a franchise office near you, visit www.homeinstead.ie.

Each Home Instead Senior Care franchise office is independently owned and operated.

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Publications available The following free publications are available from Home Instead Senior Care. Please call 1890 930 013 for further details

“Running on Empty”Who cares for the CAREGivers?

“Helping Families Cope”A Dementia & Alzheimers Guide

for Family CAREGivers

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“Running on Empty”Who cares for the CAREGivers?

“Too Close for Comfort”A Guide for Anyone Who is Considering Moving Several Generations Under the One Roof

Annual Pensioner’s Handbook

You’ve just attended the third funeral of a close friend within a year’s time. The toll of all these losses is starting to wear on you emotionally. You’d like more support from your family, but how do you ask?

If you are losing a lot of friends and are feeling sad or hopeless, then you may need some more substantial assistance: Depression is not something to take lightly, and it can be treated effectively. Don’t be embarrassed to talk to your doctor about these kinds of issues. Being sad all the time is not a “normal” part of ageing. So don’t necessarily think that family members are going to solve this problem. However, support and companionship from your family can definitely help.

If family members live nearby, try to set up a regular time for getting together. “Hi Son, how are you doing? Listen, I’ve been feeling like I just need someone to talk to a little more. Is there one evening each week when I could buy you dinner and we could just chat?” If family is far away – physically or emotionally – consider contacting the local Home Instead Senior Care office. The company has many compassionate CAREGivers who would be willing to provide you companionship and support.

Each Home Instead Senior Care franchise office is independently owned and operated.

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Your adult daughter has been feuding with your grown son for several years. This situation is upsetting you more and more. How do you tell them what this is doing to you?

Typically, people in this type of feud are unaware of how much it affects people other than themselves. This is a situation where you need to get the person to see your side of things. First, think about exactly which aspects of the feud disturb you. Is it when they fight in front of you, or when they criticise the other when she/he isn’t around? Address the specific issue with each of them separately. For instance, “Joe, when you fight with Debbie in front of me, it really makes me sad. I know the two of you don’t get along, and that probably isn’t going to change, but I don’t think I can be around the conflict anymore. When you’re around me, just try to be nice to each other, OK?” If this doesn’t work, then the best strategy will probably be to avoid situations when the two people are together. Tell each of them individually that you won’t be attending gatherings where they are both present.

If the issue is them talking about each other when the other isn’t present, then just gently redirect the conversation every time it happens.

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For the second time in six months, you’ve neglected to pay the electric bill. At age 83, you’re starting to forget a few things around the house, and feel like you need a little extra help. You’re afraid to tell your family, though, for fear you’ ll lose your independence. What do you say?

The first step here is to figure out what you can deal with yourself. It’s essential to consider the tools you need to compensate for minor memory lapses and the like. If you’re forgetting to pay bills, consider setting up a standing order system. If you’re forgetting to take medication, purchase a device that will automatically remind you. If the issues you’re having are limited to a few minor ones, you may be able to deal with them easily. If you are having problems with a broader range of issues, then you may need to bite the bullet and talk to the family. Before you do so, prepare.

Figure out what you think the key problems are, and the kind of help you need. If you go to the family with a generic “I can’t cope!” then you may well find yourself in a nursing home. But if you go to them with a clear list of the areas in which you’re having problems (paying bills, driving, heavy housework), then you are more likely to work out specific solutions with them. Try starting with “Susan, I like living here and it’s very important to me to stay living independently like I am. But I’ve been having problems with these two things. I’m hoping you can help me figure out how to keep things straight with my money and my medications.”

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At age 70, you know you need to start thinking about end-of-life issues. Your children say you’re young yet and keep putting off the subject. How do you begin a serious discussion that your kids can’t ignore?

Remember, when it comes to end-of-life issues, you’re the key person. These are primarily your decisions and so you can go ahead and think about them without input from anybody. There are many resources that could help you put together something like a living will. You can produce it and give it to the children. That will force the discussion. If they disagree with what’s in the document, it’s up to THEM to initiate a discussion.

Appointing a power of attorney can also be a way to focus the discussion. If you want to do this, start with: “Judy. I know that stuff about dying is hard to talk about, but I am at an age when I really need to make some plans. I’d like you to have power of attorney if I ever get into a situation where I can’t make decisions for myself. Would you be willing to help me by doing this?”

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Since your wife died, you’ve been very lonely. A few months ago you began a friendship with a widow from church and you’ve become very fond of one another. How do you tell your children?

First, relax: Chances are that your children will be very happy with this. Most of the time, adult children are pleased when a widowed parent gets a new romantic partner. But they DO want to know what’s going on. So let them know. There are easy ways to gently break the children into the idea. Just mention activities you’ve done with the person (“I went to see a movie yesterday with my friend Irene.”)

Your children may not get the idea the first time, but once they’ve heard Irene’s name three or four times, they’ll figure it out. When you think they get the idea, let them know more clearly: “Irene and I have been seeing quite a bit of each other. I guess you might say we’re dating.” Try not to wait too long to make it clear; the children won’t appreciate having a sense that something is going on, but thinking that you’re hiding it from them. And don’t spring the relationship on them as a grand surprise, particularly in a social situation that would be awkward for them, you and, perhaps, Irene. This is definitely something to share before a dinner party, not during it.

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need someone to take care of you or some of your personal affairs for a period of time? Or are you just calling to let them know the information? Write down what you want to get out of the conversation.

OK, time to call the children. Have the information you’ve gathered in front of you and be ready to tell them details. You should break the news gently. “Cancer” is a word that scares a lot of people, so if there’s another way to frame the situation, then great (e.g., “something unusual is going on with my prostate”). At the same time, don’t trivialise the situation, particularly if the doctor has said it’s serious and you are going to be going through some difficult treatments. If your child seems to be in denial about the seriousness of the situation, don’t be surprised. It may take a couple of conversations and you giving them more information. On the other hand, if your child seems to be panicking, have some comforting information from the doctor ready to try to calm them down “Hey, Mary, 90 percent of people who have what I have come through it just fine.”

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I’m afraid I’m running short on money. I had planned everything just fine, but I was expecting to be dead by now! Can we talk a little about this? Or can you help me figure out what I should do?” Many children will be more than happy to get involved and figure out solutions. Before the conversation starts, make sure that you know what it is you want from your child. Do you want them to financially help you, help you plan or help you find a professional financial advisor? You will always be more effective in this sort of conversation if you know what you want from it.

You’ve just returned from the doctor’s office where you were diagnosed with early stage prostate cancer. Your three adult children live elsewhere. How do you start this discussion without sending your children into a panic?

As with many such situations, you should first make sure that you understand what the situation is. Get all the information you need from your doctor about the likely outcome of your situation. You may have to set up a follow-up visit and take a series of questions written down. Also take written notes at the appointment. When you’re comfortable you know what’s happening, figure out if there’s anything you want or need from your children

at this time: Does one of them have expertise that they could offer,

money or contacts that you could benefit from? Do you

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If you’d like to pull together history items for your loved ones, why not make this a family project as well. Or, tape memories and other family history on an audio cassette and leave it in a safety deposit box. A grandchild or other relative may someday value this hidden treasure, even if no one seems interested now.

At age 85, you’re happy to be healthy and living longer than you ever expected. But money is running out. Not only will you be unable to leave your children the inheritance they’re expecting, but funds are getting tight for you as well. What do you say to your kids?

The first step is to establish a budget and know exactly how bad the situation is. You may be able to do this on your own, or you may want to find a financial advisor or accountant that could help. Your children can assist if you are comfortable with that. It’s very likely that their first question when you start talking about this will be along the lines of “How bad is it?” You will either need to have an answer, or be ready for them to start asking more detailed questions. So if you don’t want them involved in the details of your finances, make sure you can answer them clearly about the bottom line: How much more money do you need each month to continue getting by?

A good way to start this conversation might be something like “Barbara. I’m a little embarrassed to tell you this, but

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Now that you’re 70, you’ve begun thinking about the type of legacy that you’d like to leave your family. But you need more assistance to identify what you would want to pass on to your loved ones, both materially and historically. What can you say to enlist their help?

When it comes to material items, this may depend on how well your family gets along, how good they are at compromising, and how much you know up front that particular items are going to cause problems. If you aren’t expecting huge conflict, it might be possible to avoid awkwardness by making this a party situation. Hold a silent auction where everyone gets together and “bids” on certain items. You’ll get a good idea of who might be particularly attached to what, but it will be done in a fun atmosphere.

However, it’s probably worth doing some informal inquiries up front; if one item seems particularly desirable to everyone, then the party might not get off the ground. If so, just have some individual conversations with people about their desires and reasons for those, and make the best decision you can. A good way to start such a conversation might be: “John, I’m not planning on dying soon, but I am working on my will. I’d really like to make sure that everyone gets something special and unique to remember me by. Is there anything from the house that you’d particularly like to inherit when I die?”

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solution that keeps you both happy: “I think there are some ways I can keep living here that will make you comfortable with the situation. Let’s work on that, OK?”

Two months ago your daughter and her family bought the house next door. While you’re thrilled to have family close by, they have a key and drop by any time they want. How do you tell them to respect your privacy?

This is difficult because you don’t want to alienate your family or make them feel unwelcome. Try beginning as gently as you can. Something like: “Jennifer, you know I love having you and the family close by, and I enjoy your company at home. But, there have been a couple of times when a little more warning would be nice. Do you think we can arrange for you and your kids to call before you come over? That way I can make sure I’m ready.”

You may get a response along the lines of “Oh Mum, you don’t need to do anything to get ready for us!” If so, you’ll have to stay strong and be firm. “I know that. But I would like to just have a little warning that you’re coming over in case I’m asleep or in the middle of something. I’d prefer it to you coming over unexpectedly. Can you give me a call before you come over?” This should do the trick. If they continue dropping by unexpectedly, repeat the conversation.

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Conversation StartersYour 40-year-old daughter is hinting that it’s time for you to move from the family home. You know, without a doubt, that you want to stay put. How do you gather information to support your case and begin this discussion with your children?

The key question here is why your daughter thinks that it’s time for you to move. Are there legitimate safety issues? Are you leaving pots cooking on the hob? Do you have serious vision problems that impact driving? If the answer is yes, then your daughter may have a legitimate concern that needs to be addressed. So the first thing to do is to ask your daughter clearly and non-defensively for the reasons that she’s concerned. “I get the impression that you think I should move out of this house. I’d really like to talk openly about this situation, and ask you to explain the reasons why you think that.”

If the reasons are vague, don’t be afraid to press. For instance, “You can’t live here forever” isn’t a reason to move now. On the other hand “I don’t think your driving is safe” is a clear area in which you can begin to work together to understand whether your driving is safe. If you and your daughter decide you don’t think it is, investigate resources to help you get around while still living at home. The Home Instead Senior Care network, for instance, hires CAREGivers who can run errands or take you places. Try to make it a situation in which you and your daughter are working together to find a

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10. Listen and put yourself in the other person’s shoes. When children come to you with an issue, it’s normally because they’re concerned and because they care. Even if you don’t like what they have to say, appreciate why they are saying it. Remember feelings you had for your parents when you were younger, and think about the trouble you might have had in raising difficult issues with them. Your child is feeling that same anxiety, so even if you disagree, look for ways to express your appreciation for their motivation. “I know you’re saying this because you care about me.” Expressing gratitude, caring, love and appreciation demonstrates your desire to maintain a positive relationship, no matter what the outcome of the current conversation.

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7. Raise the issue. Often there are issues that everyone knows are out there. Consider what your child might want to know, and if you have the opportunity to raise the issue, do it. A child may find it difficult to talk about a will. It’s relatively straightforward, though, for you to mention to your child that you have one and it’s all in order. If the topic is a difficult one, it is often helpful to “set the stage” by prefacing a conversation with “I want to talk to you about something…”

8. Defend without defensiveness. Your child may come to you with what seems to be an accusation – perhaps it seems like your child is saying that you’re not safe to drive anymore. Think about how to defend against this without defensiveness. Conflict and anger rarely change minds, but frank and constructive discussions can. Offer to take a driving test to demonstrate your competence. If a child is suggesting taking away your car keys, consider offering a compromise (you won’t drive at night; you’ll reduce your driving). Looking for places where you are comfortable meeting someone halfway will increase your chances of getting your own way on the issues most important to you.

9. Look for points of agreement. Even if you disagree with 90 percent of what someone is saying, don’t forget to point out where you do agree: common ground is a good starting point for resolving problems. Talking about where you agree also demonstrates that you’ve listened carefully to what the other person is saying.

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4. Optimise your energy. Look for the places and times in which you are most effective in getting what you need out of conversations; plan to have important conversations at those places and times. If you’re more on your toes in the mornings, then arrange for meetings at that time so that you’re likely to get the most out of them.

5. Compensate for weaknesses. If you are having trouble hearing, or if it seems like people around you are not speaking clearly, get a hearing test and don’t feel embarrassed if you need a hearing aid. Some hearing loss is a normal part of ageing, and can be very effectively dealt with. The same applies to other things: if you forget important facts that you wanted to talk about with someone (whether a family member or your doctor), get into the habit of keeping lists or notes to remind you.

6. Seek independence, avoid dependence. Seek social contact where people encourage you to do things yourself and where they challenge you mentally or physically. Avoid spending lots of time in situations where everything is done for you. Even if people are doing this out of love or respect, spending too much time in situations where you are passive is bad for you. It can literally be bad for your health to be waited on all the time. If you need some assistance to remain independent, seek out resources such as the local Home Instead Senior Care office.

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Ten Tips to Help Seniors Communicate with Their Adult Children

1. Be assertive… There will be situations where people talk to you in ways that are inappropriate. You may be patronised, put down or abused, even by family members. Assertiveness involves figuring out what you need in a specific situation, stating that clearly and definitively so that the other person can’t fail to understand. Then don’t allow the conversation to be sidetracked onto other issues.

2. …Not aggressive. Aggressive communication includes negative personal attacks on the other person as well as insults. Even if they make you feel good, these attacks are unlikely to be helpful and will probably just reinforce someone else’s negative perception of you. When the focus becomes the other person, you’ve lost the ability to talk about what you want to talk about.

3. Be selective. Pick your battles. In some circumstances it may be easier to walk away or go along with something. You can’t fight every battle or you’ll exhaust yourself and alienate those around you. Save the assertive behaviour for the situations where it is most important; that will also make it more effective.

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The 70-40 RuleA Guide to Conversation Starters for

Seniors and Their Adult Children