Thank God I Had Depression

By: MICHELLE ARMSTRONG

Presented By: Jeff Sohler

© 2008 - 2009 Thank God I...®. All Rights Reserved.

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INTRODUCTION

by John Castagnini

IMPORTANT...Please Do Not Skip This Section!

Why this ebook? What makes it so different? Not onlyare these answers important, they are integral to yourunderstanding of the story presented here. Please donot skip over this brief introduction in your eagernessto get to the meat of the ebook itself.

When I first thought to include Thank God I WasRaped as one of the stories for Thank God I...™ Volume1, the concept sent chills through my spine. Couldanyone who’s endured this brutal, horrifying experiencereally embrace these words? Over the years, I’veconsulted with countless women during their raperecovery. I chose the title after witnessing whattranspires for them when they come to this conclusionof gratitude. What became quite apparent over acourse of thousands upon thousands of conversationsis that we only evolve past the mental traum a fromsuch a happening when we can hold “the love for it inour hearts”

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What is meant by “God”?

God — Certainly, the biggest three-letter word evercreated. Grand Organized Designer best describes theGod referred to in the Thank God I...™ books, websiteeducational material and seminars.

The thousands of people sharing their stories in thisseries all perceive God in their own light. Thank GodI...™ is about this network of people, willing to movebeyond having the right “name” for God.

Even the word “God” itself cannot finite the infinite.Rather, God refers to a system governing the brillianceof what is, and is not.

What this book series is not supposed to be.

This series does not condone or promote any of theacts the writers have experienced, nor do we suggestin any way that anyone should either commit any ofthese acts or subject themselves to any of these acts.This series also does not promote or label any specifickind of behavior as “right” or “wrong”, nor were the storieswritten or the book published for the purpose ofsuggesting that anyone rationalize their actions orbehavior.

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In addition, the Thank God I...™ series does not promoteor deny any religion. Rather, it honors the existence ofreligion and all things as part of a perfect creation.

What is Thank God I...™ about?

Our intention with this series is to convey this one keyprinciple: Perfection permeates everything. Each timewe fail to recognize this principle, the next lesson tocome our way will once again offer us the opportunityto see the perfection and break through into freedom.In fact, finding perfection in the pain and pleasure ofour own personal tribulations is the only way we willever liberate ourselves from the bondage of patterns.Whether it comes in a day, a year, or a lifetime away,situations will come into our lives that will force us tobecome thankful for “what was,” and to whole-heartedlyexperience “what is.”

What is meant by “Thanking God”?

During the creation phase of this series, we werefortunate to have as our ever-efficient assistant,Cassandra Gatzow, a beautiful twenty-three-year-oldwriter and poet. Just prior to coming to work with us,Cassandra was diagnosed with cervical cancer. A littleover a year and a half later, the cancer spread and sheleft this world before the first book launched.

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After Cassandra passed, my heart was struck by thewords she put to the page as she endured thisexperience. She wrote of her earth angels and herexplorations as she left her body to “dance with herangels.” She did not write about her passing, she wroteabout Thank God I...™ living as she moved through herlife’s greatest test, and her life’s ending. She viewedeach person, each moment as precious. How fortunateshe was, to see God in the now.

Imagine — this is what she wrote about her cancer:

“Tears fill my eyes daily with gratitude for every momentand every breath. It has allowed me to go after mydreams, to live from my heart, and to be truly free. Ithank God for my cancer and for allowing me to reacha place in me that I don’t think would have beenpossible without this experience. I am now twenty-three and feel that I have stepped into my skin proudly.I have felt an inner peace that many don’t find until laterin life. I am truly grateful for all my earth angels andwant to thank them for sharing with me this wonderfuljourney”

...Cassandra

There are 4 million tasks to accomplish in order tobring the Thank God I...™ network to the standard of ourvision. Thank you, Cassandra, for reminding me why

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Thank God I...™ was conceived in the first place.

Thanking God is about the above. Not just what isabove this sentence; it is about what is above, guidingus at every moment. Beyond the pain, chaos, andconfusion of our circumstance exists true perfection.Thanking God is about finding this perfection. Thisplace of thanking God might seem nearly impossible tofind, but it is the only place we will find ourselves.

Thank God I...™ is true “gratitude”.

Sure, we all hear about the “good things” that people aregrateful for in their lives. But, is this gratitude? ThankGod I...™ gratitude is about a state of being. It is about astate of inspiration, non-judgment, and presence.Thank God I...™ gratitude is beyond the illusion ofpositive or negative. It is beyond the lies of “good” and“evil”. Thank God I...™ . gratitude is about finding God inevery word, thought, and deed. In spirit, we are beyondthe illusion of pain or pleasure and we are present withspirit. Thank God I...™ gratitude is about equal love forall that is, as it is, was, or ever shall become. Gratitudeis loving what we don’t “like” as much as loving what wedo “like”.

The diversity of authors and experiences

The intention of this series is to reach all of humanity,

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every single unique creation. We did not base theselection of contributions to this series upon any faithor religious orientation. Each selected author took aformer challenge into their heart. The diversity ofauthors spans religions, countries, professions, age,race, nationality, and definitely experiences. Theyrange from strippers to doctors, from politicians to stay-at-home moms, and whoever they are, gratitude rules.From alcoholism to molestation or rape, the law ofgratitude prevails with each of our authors.Thankfulness for whatever is, or is not, ultimately rulesevery one of our kingdoms.

The vision of Thank God I...™

Little did I imagine how lightning-fast Thank God I...™would circle the world. This network includesthousands of contributors, reaching millions of people,sharing not only their stories, but also their answers!Beyond the books, and the online community, we offerworldwide conference calls, workshops, and seminars!The vision of this series will provide everyone withinspecific communities information in order to evolvepast the emotions that are holding them back. Thepeople and the project are revolutionary.

“All things in nature proceed from certain necessity andwith the utmost perfection.”

...Baruch Spinoza

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Thank God

I Had Depression

MICHELLE ARMSTRONG

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It was a day not unlike any other day. I awoke thatmorning with the usual feeling of dread and anxietyabout the day to come. I sighed deeply. I was so sickof my life. If only I could escape the pain, theemptiness, the endless stream of torturous thoughts,and the solitude I felt. If I had the energy to kill myself, Iwould have. Another deep sigh, and I recall thinking, I'lljust stay in bed today. Why bother getting up? What'sthe point? It's all just too hard. There's no point toanything anyway. Nothing makes any sense. Whocares whether I sleep all day or not? Who cares if I justlie here and die? My body ached. I was so tired . . . Itwas exhausting just to breathe. God, my life sucked.

I rolled over and dragged the covers over my head,irritated at the audacity of the sunlight hitting my facethrough a crack in the heavy drapes. I hated the sun. Italways looked so chipper. It seemed to be laughing atme. I angrily stuck my tongue out at it, wishing it wouldgo away and leave me alone. I wanted to cry. Thefeelings wouldn't come. I felt numb. Sighing anotherpainstaking, long sigh, I curled up in a tight ballbeneath the sheets and decided to stay where it wassafe. I felt no need to be responsible for anythingexcept feeling bad. But a loud knock at the doordisturbed my safe and quiet sanctuary.

"Who is it?" I droned, knowing full well itwas my housemate. "Bathroom's free," she

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sang out so enthusiastically I would've hit her if Icould've mustered up the energy. "Okay,thanks," I said with about as much intention ofusing the bathroom as my cat would have of doing lapsin the pool. I was too tired to shower. I did not intend tomove an inch. Nobody understood what I was goingthrough, what it was like to be me, to be inside theprison of my head, to have my crappy life. Theycouldn't feel my pain. If they did, they'd realize I justwanted to be left alone.

I'd been in bed for over three weeks now, my mindengulfed with negative thoughts and catastrophicimages that haunted my soul. I was in a downwardmental and emotional spiral that I felt I couldn't control,and I wanted to die. Life was too hard. I also wanted toquit my job. I couldn't see the purpose in being thereanymore. Oh sure, it paid the bills, but it wasn'tfulfilling, and I couldn't find the motivation to deal withthe deadlines, the responsibilities, having to getdressed everyday, put on make-up, talk to people . . . itwas all too much hard work. What was the point? Noneof it made sense. Why is the world punishing me? Whycan't I just be like everyone else? What's wrong withme? I sighed another deep sigh. Why am I even here?

I decided to quit my job. Besides, I was certaineveryone at work knew I hadn't really been sick for thelast three weeks. I convinced myself that they all

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considered me a horrible liar and loser and, let's faceit, they were right. I could imagine them talking aboutme in the cafeteria, discussing how shocking it wasthat I hadn't shown up for work, chatting about howhorrible I was . . . I shuddered with feelings of guilt. Ifelt guilty a lot lately. Guilty for being alive. Guilty forbeing on this planet. It felt overwhelming. I wanted tovomit. God, I was pathetic. I hate myself. I hate beingawake! Why can't I go back to sleep?!

I continued thinking about work. I couldn't bear thethought of how everyone would look at me if wentback. I imagined they could see right into my pain, intoall my dark secrets, making me feel exposed andvulnerable, as if I were being interrogated under ahuge spotlight. It felt unsafe. There was no way I wouldgo back. I couldn't deal with the shame -- everyonethinking me a failure. I rolled over again. This time Inoticed my journal on my bedside table. It had apicture of a woman sitting on a chair with her headdown, alone in a dimly lit room. To me, she lookedsuicidal. She looked like me.

Instinctively, I reached my hand between the mattressand box spring to grab onto a half-gnawed pencil. Withthe little bit of energy I had left in me, I began to write:"Inside the darkness of my mind there is nothingbut pain and sadness..."

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The words started little by little to pour onto the page,first like tiny raindrops on a giant lily pad, then like atorrential downpour. Once the storm finished, I put mypencil down to admire my melancholy masterpiece.Boooring!! Who would ever read this junk? I wondered.God, I'm so stupid! Why am I so dumb? What's wrongwith me? Why can't I get my life together? How did Iget this way? It got me wondering...

I mean, my life isn't really that bad, is it? So okay, I hada challenging childhood, with its many ups and downs,but who hadn't? My parents separated during a timewhen I desperately needed them, and it was no secretthe divorce was unpleasant. But in the greater schemeof things, if I wanted to, I could actually reflect back onmy life and focus in on all the positives. If I really choseto want to, I could look back and actually feel a senseof gratitude for all that I'd been fortunate to experience.

It wasn't easy to do, but I realized my life could havebeen very different. I could have been born an orphan,with no parents at all. I could have been born blind,deaf, or otherwise physically impaired in some way. Icould have been born into a third world country, wherefood and water were a scarce blessing. But I wasn't. Iwas born healthy, into a family that loved me despitemy beliefs at the time. I started to reflect back furtherover my life . . . I was a reasonably smart young lady --no Einstein, but I did well in school. I loved to dance,

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and despite my low self-esteem telling me otherwise, Ihad to admit I was pretty good at it. I recognized thatwhen I set my mind to achieving something I wanted, Ioften got it. My parents loved me, despite mycontinued resistance and low self-worth. I could easilymake friends and establish relationships, so that was apositive, and seeing all this got me to realize . . . Ihadn't always been like this. Life hadn't always beendepressing for me. I'd loved my life once.

When I reflected back on my childhood then, I recalledso many dreams about what my life was going to belike in the future. I was full of imagination, inspiration,love, trust, curiosity, and joy.

Life was fun and enjoyable once! I recalled with someglimmer of hope how excited and inspired I used to be. . . how much I really loved life, loved nature, andloved people. There had been a time when I awokeeach morning delighted to find a brand new day ofpossibility and opportunity before me. As Iremembered that feeling of endless possibilities, Istopped for a moment and wondered, Where did thatlittle child of innocence go? Why did I end up here?How did I end up so depressed and alone? I swallowedhard in a desperate attempt to push back theseemingly endless stream of tears that built up inside.A lump developed in my throat like a lemon seed stuckin a vodka straw. What on earth happened to me? Why

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was this experience happening to me?

I suddenly felt very restless. An old energy awokewithin me, and I was caught in a spaghetti of mixedemotions, sadness, and anger, tangled with old familiarfeelings of excitement, motivation, and wonder. Mycuriosity stirred, and I began wondering, why is thishappening to me? I remember, growing up, that Mumsuggested to me that everything in life happens for areason. You just have to look for the blessings, thelearnings, and opportunities inside everything thathappens.

Life isn't random. There are opportunities inside everyexperience, whether it be good or bad to rediscoverourselves; to peel back another onion layer; to godeeper; to become wiser; to evolve and become thevery best that we can be.

I realized my depression was a gift! A blessing indisguise! I glanced down at my journal, immediatelyrecalling all that I had written over the past few weeks.The words flooded my consciousness with a greaterdepth of understanding about who I really am, what I'mhere to be on this planet! Small waves of excitementcrept into my body. I tingled and vibrated as I allowedthe truth of my depression to fill my understanding.What if I need to experience

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my depression in order to find myself? What if I'dchosen to experience depression at some unconsciouslevel for the purposes of finding my place in the world?What if I could use my depression as a propulsionsystem to launch me into the next phase of my life?

My heart beat faster as a surge of unknown energyburst throughout my body. I felt immediately grateful forwhat I was going through, and I realized in that verysecond, I had free will over my life. My eyes slowlywidened, and things became very clear. My life boileddown to a fork in the road, and there were two options,with one choice to make. I could choose the road ofpain, disillusionment, and inevitable death, probably atmy own hand. Or I could choose to be responsible formy life and take the path of liberation, appreciation,personal power, and joy! I leapt out of bed like a fiveyear old who knows that Santa has just delivered thatpresent she's been waiting an entire year for, and Istood tall in the center of my room, feeling incrediblyalive. I felt so pumped up and energized that I threwapart the drapes in my room to be instantly drenched inthe brightest spectrum of light you've ever seen! Istared out longingly into the day, drinking in as much ofthe moment as I could get. The sun, which seeminglyhad been mocking me only moments before, nowlooked totally different to me. It felt more warm, loving,and inviting. Hmm, isn't that interesting, I thought tomyself.

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The world itself suddenly appeared a very differentplace. It was now a friendly world, full of love andpossibility. With a sudden change of focus andappreciation for my experiences, the world hadchanged from a dark world full of situations I didn'twant to face, to a world of endless possibility andfreedom. But surely the entire world hadn't justchanged in the last few minutes . . . I had! I had simplychanged my perception about the world, and it startedwith a little gratitude. Right then, I experienced anepiphany. I could hardly believe I'd not seen all thisbefore! Until now, I had not noticed all the endlesspossibilities that were available to me in any givenmoment. I did not realize my power of choice. In aninstant it dawned on me . . . I was always in control ofall the results produced in my life. If I wanted toproduce different results, all I needed to do was tochange my thinking, my perception and the meaningabout my experiences! It was so obvious, I laughed outloud in delight! I had been letting my mind control me,rather than me managing and directing my mind. Whatclarity! What insight! What freedom!

With a force deep within me that is not easy toarticulate, I gained a perfect sense of clarity about thisworld in which I occupy a space, and a connection to aforce so powerful, so loving, and so perfect that I'llnever again feel lost or depressed by life. I might havesad days, which are normal, but deep clinical

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depression will never again be a noose around myneck. I recognized life and my relationship to it in a waythat was both freeing and empowering. It was as if alight bulb suddenly switched on inside me, and for thefirst time, I could see who I truly was -- the creator ofmy destiny. And then a voice deep inside me said,"Michelle now is the time to get off your butt andgo live your life!!"

So that's exactly what I did. I made an appointmentwith a local counselor to work through my depressionand my unconscious blocks, and I got my butt out ofthe house and back into the world, a new world, ripeand ready for me to make of it whatever I wanted.

That day I began the journey of unraveling my past andpeeling back the layers of my unresourceful thinkingand behaving that had kept me stuck for so long. Thatday I began to take an honest look at who I really wasand what I really wanted in my life. And, let me tell you,having this awareness is by far the best feeling in theworld!

Having gratitude not just for my depression, but for allthe other perceived negative experiences in lifemotivated me to become an empowered person. Itinspired me to become a coach, a writer, and amotivational speaker. I am so grateful to mydepression because it now affords me the opportunity

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to help others find their place and power in the world. Ilove knowing that as a consequence of myexperiences, I now get to share with other people howthey, too, can easily overcome their personal strugglesand live the lives they want to live. Thank God I haddepression! I am so grateful for this gift.

Steps to Discovering the Blessings in Your Life

1. Journal your thoughts and feelings.

2. Reflect on your past and present situation. Seek out the positives inside what is happening that you may be perceiving as negative.

3. Recognize everything happens for a purpose always.

4. Express gratitude and appreciation for everything that's happened and is happening, even if you don't understand why.

. . .

Michelle went from an unsatisfying career, depression,frustration, and thousands of dollars in debt, to acareer and life she loves and is passionate about, andbeing thousands of dollars in the black. Michelle is apublished author, business owner, and the creator of

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The Armstrong Method?. Michelle now teachesbusiness professionals how they, too, can have thepassionate life and career they love by learning tomanage their mindset.

Her credentials include: Master Results Coach, MasterCertification in NeuroLinguistic Programming (NLP)and Hypnosis, Master NLP Trainer, Bachelors Degreein Metaphysical Sciences, Diploma in Counseling andCommunications (Australian College of AppliedPsychology), Diploma in Clinical Hypnotherapy,Certified Workplace Trainer IV, Master Certification inNeuro-Semantics and Meta-Time Line Therapy. To findout more about Michelle visitwww.ArmstrongMethod.com.

Contact info: Michelle Armstrong MIND MANAGEMENT LLC 409 N. Pacific Coast Hwy #453 Redondo Beach, CA 90277

e-mail: Michelle@ArmstrongMethod.com Web: www.ArmstrongMethod.com.

Join the Thank God I…™ Community online to shareyour story and chat with the Thank God I…™ Authors.

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