tenure evaluation material submitted to the faculty personnel committee september

8/14/2019 Tenure Evaluation Material Submitted to the Faculty Personnel Committee September

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TENURE EVALUATION MATERIALSUBMITTED TO THE FACULTY PERSONNELCOMMITTEESEPTEMBER 18, 2009

Gangrenous J. Deadwood IIIDepartment of Batshit Crazy


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STATEMENT OF TEACHING, RESEARCH, AND SERVICE ACTIVITIESLet me begin by stating the perfectly obvious: you, the Faculty Personnel Committee,

will award me tenure and promotion. My case is such a slam dunk that it is really not worth

my time or yours to go through the formalities. But I know that from your perspective,

procedures must be followed, and so I will deign to consign to paper that which is self-

evident. To whit: I am by a wide margin the finest teacher and the most productive and

influential scholar at Gettysburg College. My mere presence at this institution constitutes

sufficient service to merit tenure and promotion; on top of this, I have given generously of

my time and prodigious intellect to my department and the College. Indeed it is no

exaggeration to state that without my efforts the College would scarcely function. The

following pages spell out my contributions in detail.

TEACHINGSince arriving at Gettysburg College in 1978, I have worked hard to develop a

distinct teaching style that has generated intense interest from a succession of Provosts

and Presidents of this fine institution. I cannot count the number of times I have been

invited to the Presidents office to be asked what were you thinking when you did X, or I

cant believe you did Y. These accolades have truly been a source of inspiration to me over

the years.

My teaching style is often referred to as the teacher-scholar-lover model. I believe

in educating the whole student, mind and body. A student with the gift of keen intellect

needs to be challenged in the classroom; one with unusual physical charms must be

challenged in the bedroom, or cloakroom if this is more convenient. The profound effect I


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have had on my students is apparent on their transcripts as well as in numerous court

records. Students with whom I have formed especially strong relationships have frequently

been inspired to matriculate through Gettsyburg College in two years, one and half years,

or (in one case) as little as a week. I would love to provide the names of my most successful

students, but a federal judges restraining order prevents me.

I have taught the full gamut of courses in the Department of Batshit Crazy, from

Introduction to Batshit Crazy (BSC 101), to History of Batshit Crazy, Batshit Crazy

Organizations, Neurobatshit, Fundamentals of Batshitology, Batshit Crazy Literature, and

Batshit Crazy Research Methods. In order to ensure that my students are bright-eyed and

attentive, I teach only in the 6:30 a.m. 8:00 a.m. time slot. The seminar style of my courses

allows me to teach in my office and in some cases my bedroom. My classroom manner has

brought me wide acclaim among the student body. From my perch in the third stall on the

right in the mens bathroom on second floor Weidensall, I have often heard students

describe my classes as indescribable, jaw-dropping andun-fucking-believable. Course

evaluations would surely attest to students appreciation of my courses if I had any.

However, because of the efficiency with which I present course material I am able to cover

15 weeks of material in as few as nine or ten weeks. I typically cancel classes after the last

week of October (in the fall semester) or March (in the spring). Some of my strongest

students are able to complete their studies in the first week of classes one particularly

gifted student walked out after half an hour during the first lecture of the semester; he was

one of the mere 75 percent of students in my classes to earn a grade of A+.


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RESEARCHI am a pathbreaking practitioner and scholar of the art and science of batshit crazy.

Like those of many geniuses, my contributions are not widely recognized in my time by the

tight cabal of journal editors who dominate my field of study. Nevertheless, by

indefatigable effort and sheer force of intellect I have managed to publish my work in

alternative but influential publications where my ideas have won acclaim from a world-

wide community of scholars. A partial list of my more noteworthy publications includes:

Isolation of the G4K enzyme in a load of batshit, Annals of Batshit, 1984 Batshit, Encylopedia of American Slang, 1995. Same (bat) time, same (bat) shit, in Batshit in Popular Culture, J. Simons (ed.),

Littlestown: J. Simons Publishers, 1999.

What do you mean I have to move that washing machine from my front lawn?Questions for Councilman Feeny, Gettysburg Times, 2000.

Crazy, crazy like a fox, or batshit crazy? KRayZ Blog, 2001. What a load of batshit: Councilman Feenys vendetta against Gettysburg taxpayers,

letter to the editor, Gettysburg Times, 2002.

Batshit: a hermeneutic approach, Canary Islands: Samizdat Publishers, 2003. Neo-post-colonial dialecticism at the barricades of batshit: a discourse on method,

in Radical Batshit Studies, J. Simons (ed.), Littlestown: J. Simons Publishers, 2004.

Councilman Feeny is batshit crazy if he thinks his restraining order is going to keepme out of his yard every night at 3 a.m., letter to editor, Gettysburg Times, 2004.

Bull shit, horse shit, and bat shit: commonalities and contradictions, Facebookentry, 2008.

The gendering of batshit discourse: a herstory, text message to self, 2009.Gettysburg College has generously supported my many research expeditions

through a succession of Professional Development Grants. In 1987 the College sponsored


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my trip to the Golden Triangle in southeast Asia to study entrepreneurship among former

members of the South Vietnamese military (many thanks to the Provosts office for its help

in arranging my use of diplomatic pouches on that trip). A research trip to Bangkok,

Thailand in 1990 evolved into an extended sabbatical from 1990-1994. Again, support from

the College in the form of legal fees and lobbying the U.S. consulate made my return

possible. About the class research trip to Club Hedonism, Jamaica, enough said, simply that

some of the details that appear in court records have clearly been embellished. These

expeditions have solidified my position as a leader in global batshit studies and have

earned me the recognition of such illustrious organizations as Interpol, MI-5, and NAMBLA.

SERVICEI have not been asked to serve on any college-wide committees since that incident

on the APPC in 1981. I am willing to serve if asked, of course, and as my busy schedule

permits. But my greatest contribution to the College will always be, of course, my presence

at the institution. Is that not enough?

ADDENDUMI believe an explanation is in order for the delay in my application for tenure.

Normally a candidate will come up for tenure in his or her sixth year at Gettysburg College.

I am coming up for tenure in my thirty first year as a result of a series of postponements:

those due to the resignations of a series of chairs of my department in 1985-1988; legal

issues which I am not at liberty to discuss in 1989; my sabbatical of 1990-94; the lawsuits I

filed against the college for wrongful termination and sexual harrassment in the late 1990s;


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the incident with the President in 2002; several years in the mid 2000s during which for

some reason representatives of the Provosts office were unable to reach me to inform me

of the deadline for submission of tenure materials; and the termination of a series of chairs

of my department in recent years.

Despite my delay in coming up for tenure, let me assure you of this: Such is my love

for Gettysburg College that I am committed to remaining ensconced here for many, many

years to come, regardless of whatever diminution of my mental or physical capabilities may

occur with the passage of years. You can count on me, my loyal inferiors, to grace this

institution with my presence for the rest of your careers here, and those of your children,

and those of your childrens children.


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To: Faculty Personnel Committee

From: Wendel Wackman, Chair, Department of Batshit Crazy

RE: Tenure evaluation for Gangrenous J. Deadwood III

The Department of Batshit Crazy has met to discuss Professor Deadwoods

application for tenure. After six hours of deliberation (interrupted, unfortunately, by some

extremely rude officers from the Office of Public Safety I have submitted a written

complaint to the President of Gettysburg College and published a rebuttal to the charges

against the department as an unsigned letter to the editor of the Gettysburg Merchandiser)

the Department was unable to arrive at a consensus; neither on the merits of Professor

Deadwoods case for tenure, nor on the number of votes for and against tenure. We leave it

to you, the members of the FPC, to sort through the pile of Batshit that Professor Deadwood

has submitted and draw your own conclusions. I will try to characterize the Departments

deliberations in order to help you in your decision.

Members of the department were unanimous in the opinion that Professor

Deadwood is crazy. There was sharp disagreement, however, as to whether he is Batshit

Crazy, and therefore worthy of tenure and promotion. Members applaud Professor


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Deadwoods efforts to engage the whole student, though some were heard to mutter

disapprovingly of poaching and sloppy seconds. Professor Deadwoods enjoyment of

prescription pharmaceuticals is now well under control. His collection of firearms has been

secured in a locked cabinet in his office, ensuring that there will be no repeat of the

unfortunate incident of 1997. Professor Deadwood has been much more selective in his

issuance of death threats to political figures; the department has not received a visit from

the Secret Service in several months. All in all, Professor Deadwoods personal character

was seen to be in line with department standards.

Several members of the departmentargued that Professor Deadwoods teaching

standards, while at a par with others in the department, were well below their own.

Professor Hambone, for example, noted that in his History of Batshit course Professor

Deadwood failed to assign the leading textbook: The Sweeping Pageantry of Batshit

(Hambone et al., Samizdat Publishing). Some thought that the number of A+ grades

Professor Deadwood awarded (70 percent of the total) was in excess of the department

average of 60 percent, and therefore constituted evidence of lax grading standards. Others

disagreed, pointing instead to Professor Deadwoods insufficiently arbitrary method of

assiging F grades. Half of the department members were of the opinion that numbers were

meaningless both in the particular contextof describing Professor Deadwoods grade

distribution and in general as a matter of principle. This argument was met with derision

on the part of the other half of the department, which claimed to be unable to understand

anything being said by the first half because they refused to provide standard errors for

each statement.


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There was similar disagreement as to the quality of Professor Deadwoods research.

Professor Clambake argued that Professor Deadwoods failure to reference in his published

work some of the seminal research in the field of Batshit Studies (notably contributions by

Clambake et al., 1984, 1987, and 1991) marked his papers as simply unreadable. On the

other hand, one of the other Assistant Professors in the department proclaimed Professor

Deadwood as the leading light of scholarship in his or any other field, vowing that she

was willing to do anything and I mean anything to submit herself to his tutelage as she

prepared for her own tenure review.

To bring order to our deliberations, it was determined that each member of our

department would assign each of Professor Deadwoods publications an impact rating

reflecting its importance in the field of Batshitology. Professor Deadwood would be

awarded tenure if the average impact rating exceeded that of the lowest performing

member of the department. Complications quickly emerged, however: some members used

a 0-10 scale while others preferred to assign ratings using a random number generator; it

proved impossible to average numerical and alphabetical scores; and no one knew quite

what to make of the use of emoticons in one members rankings. In the end, it was

determined that Professor Deadwoods publications should stand or fall on their own

merit, which the members of the FPC are in as good a position as any to judge for

themselves.

More information on Professor Deadwoods qualifications for tenure is contained in

the individual letters from tenured members of the department. I do not have those letters

at this point, but I am confident that they will be forthcoming soon. Our department


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secretary has been attempting to reach my colleagues for several weeks now; there may be

a conference or something.

tenure evaluation material submitted to the faculty personnel committee september

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