BY LANCE B. PAYETTE

einventedR SELFTakingTestimonials IntoYour Own Hands

the

L E G A L L E V I T Y

39M AY 2 0 0 2 A R I Z O N A AT T O R N E Y

From the desk of the Chief Justice �

11/8/99

Dear Lance:

Just a quick note to thank you and your charming wife Beverly for hosting me

and David S. for nine holes at the Holbrook muni last week. My game was a bit

rusty and David was his usual pompous self, but you and the missus handled the

situation like pros. I would�ve forewarned you that the Soutermeister would be

tagging along, but I didn�t know it myself until I was loading the clubs into the

van at the conference center in Scottsdale and he started whining about �always

being left out.� When Beverly finally got fed up with him on the 6th green and

said �Stop standing in my line, Souter, you liberal commie punk �� � Jeez, I

thought me and the two SS agents would wet our knickers trying to keep from

laughing out loud! I was very impressed with the Holbrook layout and look for-

ward to a return visit without You Know Who.

Keep �em in the fairway,

Bill Rehnquist

P.S. � I checked with my law clerk, and he says there�s no way we�d have an �exparte� problem since the oral argument in your case was still almost three weeksaway. I don�t know where Sandy O. gets these weird ideas!

Supreme Court of the United States

George O’Leary wasrecently forced tostep down as theNotre Dame footballcoach after only fivedays on the job whenan investigative

reporter discovered that he had not, in fact,been the original model for the Gerber Babyor the pilot of the Apollo 11 command mod-ule, as he had long claimed on his resume.

This sad tale should serve as a wake-up callfor our profession, in which honor andintegrity are the very foundation upon which

the edifice of billable hours must be built.Consider these facts:• An Arizona attorney whose resume is a

web of blatant falsehoods could findhimself suspended from the practice oflaw for up to three days.

• An individual who has gone so far as tofudge on her law degree or her admissionto the bar could find herself reduced toworking as a paralegal in a major Phoenixlaw firm until these matters have beencleared up.As the ex officio ethics counselor for the

office in which I am employed, I have cau-

W W W. A Z B A R . O R G

HUMOROUS ATTEMPT No. 1

40 A R I Z O N A AT T O R N E Y M AY 2 0 0 2 W W W. A Z B A R . O R G

January 18, 2002

Melvin R. Bowers, Jr., Esq.Navajo County AttorneyP. O. Box 668Holbrook, AZ 86025

Dear Mr. Bowers:

Perhaps once in each generation this Court is privileged to have before it an oratorwho immediately brings to mind Emperor Montezuma, Cato the Elder, St. Basil the Great,William Jennings Bryan or a giant of similar ilk. Your recent appearance in the case ofNavajo County v. One 1996 Ford Taurus and Eight Boxes of Screwdrivers did not merelybring such figures to mind — you were, Mr. Bowers, the living embodiment of Montezumain your all-too-brief minutes before our bench. (Where on earth did you find that stun-ning feathered cape and silver breastplate?) Your description of the doctrine of expressiounius est exclusio alterius as a “pus-filled boil on the fat posterior of Arizona law” capturedthe attention of myself and my fellow Justices to a degree seldom seem in any courtroom.Your sweeping suggestion to “simplify things for everyone” by overruling all Arizonacases decided before 1985 was, to my mind, the sort of broad and imaginative thinkingsadly lacking in the modern bar. It was an honor to rule in your favor from the benchwithout the formality of a vote. I do not merely congratulate you, Mr. Bowers — I saluteyou. This Court will watch your future progress with keen interest.

Warmest personal regards,

Charles E. Jones (“Chuck”)Chief Justice

CJ:ffy

SUPREME COURT OF THE STATE OF ARIZONA

1501 W. Washington Phoenix, AZ 85007 (602) 542-4531

OFFICE OF THE PRESIDING JUDGE 26 December 2001

J. Murray Zeigler, Esq.Deputy County AttorneyOffice of the Navajo County AttorneyP. O. Box 668, Holbrook, AZ 86025-0668

Re: Navajo County v. Arizona Racing CommissionNo. 1 CA-CV 01-0032

Dear Mr. Zeigler:

Rarely — indeed, never before — have the judges of Division One felt compelled to for-mally convey their admiration for the quality of a brief in a pending appeal, but the work ofart that you recently filed in the above-referenced matter shall forever serve as an exampleto others of “how it ought to be done.” The judges are collectively awestruck at thesagacity of your arguments and the pithiness of your prose. You, sir, are the Percy ByssheShelley of Arizona appellate briefs. Although we obviously cannot promise how the panelassigned to this matter will rule before the Attorney General has even filed her patheticresponse brief on behalf of the Appellee, suffice it to say that things are looking exceed-ingly favorable for your client (wink, wink). We look forward to your reply brief like a gag-gle of giggling groupies awaiting the next CD from the Goo Goo Dolls (please excuse thefeeble attempt at alliteration, but your Joycean command of the English language hasmoved this writer to engage in a bit of wordplay himself!).

Carry on, Mr. Zeigler. You are an inspiration to Division One and the entire judiciary. By avote of 15-1 (Judge Noyes dissenting due to unspecified “ethical concerns” that are amystery to the rest of us), I am authorized to wish you happy holidays and a prosperousnew year from Division One sitting en banc.

Verily thine,

Edward C. VossPresiding Judge

DIVISION ONE1275 W. WASHINGTON ST. PHOENIX, AZ 85007-3329(602) 542-4821

State of Arizona Court of Appeals

for example, the Chief Justice of the United States.You too will walk a little taller, even though youwrote it and signed it yourself.

The Internet and an inexpensive color printerafford all sorts of opportunities for creativity in thisregard. Many organizations from which you mightlike to have a testimonial—for example, the ArizonaSupreme Court—conveniently include their officialsymbols on their Web sites. These can be copied togive your testimonials those little touches of authen-ticity that make all the difference.

In less than an hour, I was able to create threesamples to get your creative juices flowing. They havebeen carefully reviewed in the harsh light ofArizona’s criminal statutes by Professor AlanDershowitz of the Harvard Law School, who assuresme that he “doesn’t see an issue” and is confident wecould beat the rap if they were challenged by somepublicity-seeking prosecutor.

Those who view the practice of law as a priest-

tioned my colleagues against the sort of petty skulldug-gery engaged in by O’Leary.

In the first place, how many people ever see yourresume anyway? Very few, when you stop to think aboutit.

In the second place, who cares even if you really werethe original model for the Gerber Baby? No one in a posi-tion to do you any good. This sort of pathetic, small-timepuffery simply isn’t worth the downside risk. For thosewho can’t resist the urge to reinvent themselves, experi-enced counselors favor the Neutron Whopper—the mas-sive fraud that will impress everyone who crosses yourpath and is so preposterously over-the-top that no onewould think of questioning it.

A frequently overlooked alternative to the trumped-up resume is the Neut-Whop Testimonial. As the Wizardof Oz recognized when he conferred one on the TinMan, a phony testimonial can do wonders for the esteemin which you are held by others. Colleagues, clients andeven opposing counsel can’t fail to be impressed whenyour office walls are adorned with glowing praise from,

L E G A L L E V I T Y

HUMOROUS ATTEMPT No. 3

HUMOROUS ATTEMPT No. 2

41M AY 2 0 0 2 A R I Z O N A AT T O R N E YW W W. A Z B A R . O R G

hood and are perhaps troubled by thisapproach should step back and ask them-selves:1. What are the odds that anyone is going

to contact the Chief Justice of the UnitedStates and ask whether he actually wrotea testimonial or warm personal note tosome bush-league attorney in Holbrook?Very small, I would think.

2. Even if they do, what are the odds thatthe Chief Justice is going to respond?Infinitesimal, it seems to me.

3. Even if he does, what is the likelihoodthat he will be amused by the audacity of

said Holbrook attorney and simply playalong with the gag? Excellent, I wouldsuppose.

4. If by some chance this does result incriminal prosecution or civil litigation,what is the likelihood that AlanDershowitz will volunteer his services anddo whatever needs to be done to extri-cate said Holbrook attorney? A virtualcertainty, according to those who knowAlan far better than I do.When one weighs the near-impossibility of

anything going wrong against the multitudeof benefits to be derived from three or more

elaborately framed and prominently displayedtestimonials to your legal prowess from thegods of our profession—well, even an experi-enced ethics counselor can scarcely see anydown side.

Lance B. Payette is currently hiding outfrom the real world in the Navajo CountyAttorney’s Office. He is the great-grandsonof Judge Learned Hand, holds numerousrecords on the Professional Bowlers Tour andplayed bass for The Clash. At least that’swhat he told us.

He previously wrote “Local Man SavesPlanet” for ARIZONA ATTORNEY.

A phony testimonial can dowonders for the esteem in which

you are held by others. You toowill walk a little taller, even though you

wrote it and signed it yourself.

L E G A L L E V I T Y

GETTING SERIOUS:If you were actually to follow

the humorous guidelines set out here,you would be in violation of at leastERs 3.4, 3.5, 4.1, 4.4, 8.2 and 8.4.