supporting students affected by losswednesday’s... · reference: whelley, p., cash, r. e., &...

Gary W. Mauk, Ph.D., NCSP

and

M. Bruce Garris, B.A.

School of Education

Department of Professional Pedagogy and Research and

Department of School Administration and Counseling

The University of North Carolina at Pembroke

Monday, March 14, 2011

2011 Annual Conference of the

North Carolina Middle School Association

Wednesday’s Child Goes to School:

Supporting Students Affected by Loss

Monday’s Child

Monday’s child is fair of face,

Tuesday’s child is full of grace,

Wednesday’s child is full of woe,

Thursday’s child has far to go,

Friday’s child is loving and giving,

Saturday’s child works hard for its living,

But the child who is born on the Sabbath Day,

Is bonny, blithe, and good and gay.

– Author unknown

[Sources: Opie & Opie, 1997, pp. 364–365; originally published in Bray, 1838, pp. 287–288]

References

Bray, A. E. (1838). Traditions, legends, and sketches of Devonshire on the borders of the Tamar and Tavy, illustrative of its manners, customs, history, antiquities, scenery, and natural history in a series of letters to Robert Southey, Esq. (Volume II). London, UK: John Murray.

Opie, I., & Opie, P. (Eds.). (1997). The Oxford dictionary of nursery rhymes (2nd ed.). New York: Oxford University Press.

Accordingly, along with their backpacks, early

adolescents often bring to middle school grief associated

with personally significant losses from various expected

and unexpected causes. This presentation will discuss the

nature and impact of loss, as well as ways that caring

schools and educators can be critical harbors of support for

grieving students’ healthy development.

“Children come to school each day with more than their lunch and backpack. They bring life factors that shape their learning and development. These influences range from family issues and health and culture to behavior, learning style, and abilities. Virtually all are related to mental health” (Whelley, Cash, & Bryson, 2004, p. S5-25).

Reference: Whelley, P., Cash, R. E., & Bryson, D. (2004). Children’s mental health: Information

for educators. In A. S. Canter, L. Z. Paige, M. D. Roth, I. Romero, & S. A. Carroll (Eds.), Helping

children at home and school II: Handouts for families and educators (pp. S5-25 – S5-28).

Bethesda, MD: National Association of School Psychologists.

Types of School/District Events

• Student deaths

• Staff deaths

• Accidents (students hit by cars, bus

accidents, car accidents, swimming, etc.)

• Violence in schools or community (assaults,

murders, drive-by shooting in community,

etc.)

• Suicides

• Natural disasters (tornado, earthquake,

wildfire, hurricane, etc.)

• School shootings

Gen

eral

Pro

bab

ility

of

Eve

nt

Source: Saiz, C., & Schneider, T. (2006, December 7). Recovery. Presentation at

the Fiscal Year 2006 Emergency Response and Crisis Management (ERCM) Initial

Grantee Meeting, San Antonio, TX.

Higher

Lower

Source: Greene, B. (2003). Grief in the classroom: Part II. Bereavement Magazine, 17(6), 10–11.

“As educators, we need

to broaden our lessons of

learning beyond the textbooks

and recognize that grief is part

of everyone’s life learning

process. It is times like these

that will demand our flexibility,

strength, and understanding as a

teacher and a friend…Growth

and healing can occur if we first

recognize the grief and then act

upon it in positive and helpful

ways” (Greene, 2003, p. 11).

It is highly likely you see a grieving child almost every day, even if you don’t see any children grieving.

– Dr. David Schonfeld, Executive DirectorNational Center for School Crisis and Bereavement

BEHAVIOR

SO MUCH IS

HIDDEN BELOW

THE TIP

Youth’s Problem or Crisis

Youth’s Personality & Mental Health

Peer

Culture

School and

Community Environment

Child Development

and

Family Influences

An Early Adolescent’s Behavior Is an Iceberg

Source: Silverman, P. (2000). Never too young to know: Death in children’s lives.

New York: Oxford University Press.

“The goal of helping children of all ages

to cope with death is to promote their

competence, facilitate their ability to cope,

and recognize that children are active

participants in their lives” (Silverman, 2000, p. 42).

Reference: Whelley, P., Cash, R. E., & Bryson, D. (2004). Children’s mental health: Information

for educators. In A. S. Canter, L. Z. Paige, M. D. Roth, I. Romero, & S. A. Carroll (Eds.), Helping

children at home and school II: Handouts for families and educators (pp. S5-25 – S5-28).

Bethesda, MD: National Association of School Psychologists.

“Family is the first source of support for a child‟s

mental health. However, the increased stress and

fracturing of life today makes it imperative that schools

partner with parents to help children thrive. Indeed,

schools are excellent places to promote good mental

health. Children spend a significant amount of time

there, and, as trained caring adults, educators have

the opportunity to observe and address their needs”

(Whelley et al., 2004, p. S5-25).

Families and Schools Together

―Students do not leave their

grief at the schoolhouse door.‖–– Dr. Martha D. Oates

Death in the School Community

(1993, p. 94)

“School is one important place to

deal with feelings about death rather

than to hide such feelings” (Meyers &

Pitt, 1976, pp. 563–564).

Source:

Meyers, J., & Pitt, N. W. (1976). A consultation approach to help a school cope with

the bereavement process. Professional Psychology, 7(4), 559–564.

Dr. J. Conrad Glass, professor emeritus at North Carolina

State University, published a 1991 article entitled, Death, Loss, and

Grief among Middle School Children: Implications for the School

Counselor, based on a survey he conducted in one large school

system in North Carolina.

In that article, he reported that, among the eight classes (211

students) in four middle schools in the North Carolina-based study

(one large , 41% of middle school students had been personally

involved with death within the past year (Glass, 1991).

Source: Glass, J. C. (1991). Death, loss, and grief among middle school children: Implications for the school counselor. Elementary School Guidance and Counseling, 26(2), 139–148.

Loss, Grief, and Middle School Students in North Carolina

Consistent with a search of the ERIC database I conducted

more than a decade ago while conducting a literature review for a

chapter I was writing, only one North Carolina-based research

study appears to be available regarding a description of loss events

and grief among middle school students in one large school system.

When the 211 middle school students were asked to indicated

all losses (other than death) that they had experienced within the past

year, Dr. Glass found the following:

Moved = 55%;

Lost a best friend = 53%;

Changed schools = 52%;

Lost a boyfriend/girlfriend = 50%; and

Experienced the separation or divorce of their parents = 28%.

When Dr. Glass asked, “Of the losses you have experienced

(including death), which one(s) would you consider to have had the most

impact on your life?” the students could list as many as three

responses. The top three answers were:

(1) Death (55%);

(2) Moving (26%); and

(3) Loss of a best friend (25%).

Source: Glass, J. C. (1991). Death, loss, and grief among middle school children: Implications for the school counselor. Elementary School Guidance and Counseling, 26(2), 139–148.

Loss, Grief, and Middle School Students in North Carolina

Grieving Adolescents

The adolescent-period tasks of achieving independence, separating

from the family to engage more with peers, and developing an identity may be

disrupted by loss or grief.

Some adolescents whose families experience major losses ranging from

chronic illness to cutting back on expenditures due to job loss may fall back to the

family to assume new work or career roles at the expense of their own

development and higher education or career plans.

Some young people may refuse to engage with school, complain about

feeling alienated by their loss experience, and may withdraw from peers at the

very time they need to focus on these relationships.

Dr. Nancy Webb (2002) suggests that other key challenges for bereaved

adolescents include: (1) a reluctance to show strong emotions; (2) discomfort

when talking to parents about feelings; and (3) the absence of a model for strong

displays of emotion. Also, they may display bravado, denial, anger, sadness, or

push their feelings underground and keep busy.

Adapted from: Aston, C. (2008, September). Angels don’t have headlights. iteachonline: The Victorian Institute

of Teaching Online Newsletter (Issue No. 3). Retrieved on March 12, 2009, from

http://iteachonline.vit.vic.edu.au/issue0308/home.php?current=13

Additional reference: Webb, N. B. (Ed.). (2002). Helping bereaved children: A handbook for practitioners (2nd ed.).

New York: The Guilford Press.

Loss: A Universal Experience

Loss is universal and resides at the core of grief – Someone or

something we love/value is gone, and we grieve (react to) the loss.

Dealing with loss is a very individual, mostly private

experience. The range of feelings experienced depends on the

individual and their degree of attachment to the thing or person that has

been lost.

In addition to the loss of a loved one through death, children and

adolescents potentially experience sundry perceived minor and major

losses and associated grieving from a variety of causes, such as…

√ Losing a cherished item to the ravages of time,

√ Parental separation/divorce/imprisonment,

√ Moving to a new residence,

√ Changing schools,

√ Having a friend move away,

√ Being bullied,

√ Peer rejection,

√ Breaking up with a romantic partner,

√ Not being chosen for a team or other group, etc.

Must not be compared

Erodes trust and threatens security

Takes time to accommodateDisrupts life flow and causes stress

Is isolating/lonely

Affects academic performance

Is universal

Creates fear and anxiety

Alters direction slightly/dramatically

Affects development in unique ways

Affects physical and emotional health

Often begets other (secondary) lossesAffects interactions and behavior

Involves personal meaning makingEntails temporary or permanent changes

Can bring about personal growth

Highlights individual differences

Is uniquely grieved and revisited

Respects no specific timetable/stages

Reverberates and affects others

LOSS

Loss is most severe when it involves the death of a person who was an integral part of the surviving youth‘s life. The death of a loved one can yield many losses that fall into four major classes:

(1) Relationship losses [e.g., loss of intimacy, emotional

support, companionship, validation, instrumental support,

mattering (“being needed”)];

(2) Lifestyle losses [e.g., loss of social and school-/work-

related activities, loss of status/position in peer group,

finances/material resources];

(3) Loss of biography [e.g., loss of personal history,

shared memories, vision of/plans for the future]; and

(4) Loss of the self/identity [e.g., loss of personal

aspects of the survivor – such as positive feedback and specific

roles and identities – that were interdependent with the

relationship with the deceased].

Loss: A Universal Experience

Grief, Bereavement and Mourning

GRIEF is the normal, dynamic, unique, and multidimensional set of feelings and thoughts and related reactions of an individual following an actual or perceived loss – i.e., the death of an emotionally important person (a loved one); non-death-related loss of someone or something of value/significance.

Grief is both a NORMAL and an ADAPTIVE process.

NORMAL = Because it is a reaction that helps a child or adolescent confront a loss.

ADAPTIVE = Although it is painful to go through, it can be productive in that a child or adolescent can learn through the experience.

Source: R. Dale Walker, M.D., Director of the Center for American Indian Education and

Research and the One Sky Center at Oregon Health and Science University, Portland, OR


Because grieving is a personally unique and highly variable and dynamic process, grief responses among children and adolescents vary according to different factors, such as:

● Manner of death;

● Nature and significance of the relationship to the deceased;

● Age and related developmental tasks;

● Gender;

● Physical/mental status;

● Social-emotional development and personality;

● Prior loss experiences;

● Death-specific religious beliefs; and

● Adequacy of personal coping resources and availability of helpful social support.

Six Basic Concepts of Grief

(1) Grief is a natural reaction to change, loss, or death.

(2) Each person’s grieving experience is unique.

(3) There are no ―right‖ or ―wrong‖ ways to grieve.

(4) All individuals walk through the grieving process in their own timeframes and in their own ways.

(5) Grief comes in waves — times of great intensity followed by times of relief. There is no reasoning or pattern and it can hit with little warning.

(6) Grieving never ends. It is something the person

will not permanently ―get over.‖

Source: Operation: Military Kids (OMK) – Ready, Set, Go! Training. Chapter 8: Impact of Grief, Trauma, and Loss on Children and Youth. Gainesville, FL: University of Florida, College of Agricultural and Life Sciences, Institute of Food and Agricultural Sciences. [http://4h.ifas.ufl.edu/Military/ReadySetGo/PowerPoints/RSG_8PPT.ppt]

Dual Process Model of Grieving

Loss–Oriented

Involves the

emotional and

reactive processing

of the loss

Restoration – Oriented

Dealing with the many

life changes and new

roles that are brought

about by the death

Source: Stroebe, M. S., & Schut, H. (2001). Models of coping with bereavement: A review. In M. S. Stroebe, R. O. Hansson, W. Stroebe, & H. Schut (Eds.), Handbook of bereavement research: Consequences, coping, and care (pp. 375–403). Washington, DC: American Psychological Association.

Oscillating between these stressors

MOURNING, which has both personal and interpersonal components and is embedded in one’s religious and cultural tradition, is the public face of grief, the way a bereaved individual personally manages and overtly expresses their grief after a death of a loved one, and includes formalized rituals (e.g., memorial services, funerals, wakes, specific modes of dress, etc.). Wolfelt (2002) stated mourning is “taking the internal experience of grief and expressing it outside oneself” (p. 666).

Bereaved youth must undertake several tasks as they work toward active resolution of a loss, including the following:

(1) Overcoming denial and accepting the reality of the loss;

(2) Experiencing and processing the pain of grief incident to

losing a loved one;

(3) Adjusting to an environment in which the deceased is

missing by accepting and acquiring requisite post-loss concepts, roles,

and skills; and

(4) Finding realistic cognitive and emotional ways to think

about the deceased and to move on with life and form new

relationships (Worden, 2002).


BEREAVEMENT refers to a youth‘s complete reaction to the loss, and includes both the experience of grief and the work of mourning.

Six common phenomena that decrease in frequency over time among survivors in their acute and later phases of bereavement are:

(1) Sadness;

(2) A yearning or pining;

(3) A need to talk about the deceased;

(4) Intrusive thoughts;

(5) Preoccupation with images/thoughts; and

(6) Distress at reminders of the deceased (Burnett et al., 1994).


Bereaved adolescents must undertake several tasks as they work toward active resolution of a loss, including the following:

(1) Overcoming denial and accepting the reality of the loss;

(2) Experiencing and processing the pain of grief incident

to losing a loved one;

(3) Adjusting to an environment in which the deceased is

missing by accepting and acquiring requisite post-loss concepts,

roles, and skills; and

(4) Finding realistic cognitive and emotional ways to think

about the deceased and to move on with life and form new

relationships (Worden, 2002).


Potential Psychosocial Impact

of Various Types of Deaths

Although the first death a child experiences is often the death

of an animal companion, the developmental significance of the death

of a pet, and incident grieving are rarely acknowledged.

Clements, Benasutti, and Carmone (2003) noted, “The loss of

a cherished pet creates a grief reaction that is in many ways

comparable to that of the loss of a family member….The death, loss, or

theft of a beloved animal results in the end of a special relationship and

can be one of the most difficult times in a person‟s life” (p. 49).

Because human-animal bonds are often not considered

worthy of affirmation, validation, and respect, the loss of an animal

companion could invoke disenfranchised grief (i.e., grief that is not

openly acknowledged and disallowed; Meyers, 2002).

DEATH OF A PET

Five factors that affect a youth’s reactions to pet loss include:

(1) The youth’s level of cognitive and emotional maturity;

(2) The role played by the pet in the youth’s life;

(3) The youth’s loss history, concurrent life events, and

coping ability;

(4) The circumstances of the pet’s death, including whether

the youth played any role in the death; and

(5) The quality and availability of parental and other support

Sources: Butler & Lagoni, 1996; Johns, 2000; Lagoni, Butler, & Hetts, 1994

DEATH OF A PET (continued)



Adults should:

(1) Acknowledge the psychosocial significance of human-animal

bonds;

(2) Provide honest and clear information to children and

adolescents about what happened to their pet; and

(3) Afford bereaved youths social and emotional support after

the death of a pet (Butler & Lagoni, 1996).

As developmentally appropriate, the following actions can assist

youths to cope with the death of a pet:

● Creating rituals to acknowledge the loss;

● Encouraging children to participate in ceremonies;

● Teaching and encouraging mourning;

● Helping children choose appropriate mementos and photos for

a memory box or other special creation; and

● Not introducing a new animal/not allowing anyone to replace

the animal too quickly (Meyers, 2002, pp. 255-256).

DEATH OF A PET (continued)



A parent is “unique and irreplaceable” (McLaren, 1998, p. 289), and a

child will miss and mourn the deceased parent at many stages throughout their

life (Swick, Dechant, & Jellinek, 2002).

Four major variables mediate the effect of a parent’s death on a child:

(1) The distinctive characteristics of the child (i.e., age and

developmental level; personality and coping style; loss history; social, cultural,

and religious background);

(2) The personal–social significance and strength and quality of the

relationship with the parent;

(3) The particular circumstances of the death (e.g., sudden or

anticipated, natural or traumatic, and time of year); and

(4) The types and availability of custodial, social, and emotional

support (Hatter, 1996).

DEATH OF A PARENT



Many children, especially those who have conflicted, abusive, or

neglectful relationships with parents, carry unresolved feelings regarding the

parent’s death into adulthood. Those feelings can negatively influence self-

esteem, coping skills, and relationships (Schuurman & Lindholm, 2002).

In her study of primary school-aged children’s experience of parental

death, Stephanie Dowden (1998) reported that boys who experienced parental

death had “difficulty expressing strong emotions” and “often resorted to violent

behaviour, directed at themselves and others, or intense physical activity”

(1998, p. 61).

Finally, she noted the preferred way for parentally bereaved children to

cope with overwhelming feelings was to retreat to their bedrooms (i.e., a private

space) until they could regain some emotional/situational control: “They used

their bedrooms as a retreat where they could grieve in private and as a place

where they felt safe and comforted” (1998, p. 61).

DEATH OF A PARENT (continued)



Dr. Nicholas Ross (2000) conducted research in which he elicited

children’s cognitions and feelings regarding the support they experienced since

the death of a parent:

(1) Active support (i.e., in which a child’s grieving benefits from the

overt behavior of another; e.g., actively listening to a child’s grief story, being

physically with the grieving child through intense feelings, reflecting/sharing

some of one’s own feelings/experiences); and

(2) Passive support (i.e., in which the child knows active support is

available as needed with no implicit pressure to grieve in a specified manner).

His results demonstrated that each child’s unique grieving needs

require an open, flexible stance from those seeking to support them,

through a variable combination of active and passive support.

DEATH OF A PARENT (continued)



Many children and adolescents who die annually from

various causes leave siblings behind to grieve their deaths.

The death of a sibling can have special significance in the life

of a surviving child or adolescent:

“Through a shared history and common bonds, siblings have

the potential for providing one another with intense emotional

experience, support, guidance, information, and companionship.

Consequently, the significance of the sibling relationship portends the

profound effect that the death of one child can have upon brothers and

sisters” (Davies, 2002, p. 94).

DEATH OF A SIBLING



Because parents are involved in their own process of

adjusting to their child’s death, they may sometimes be

psychologically inaccessible to assist surviving siblings with

grieving the loss of a brother or sister.

In the aftermath of sibling death, young children in particular

might be neglected, “often due to a desire by adults to protect them

from further hurt” (Dowden, 1995, p. 72). Such reactions often leave

the surviving sibling’s loss experience and feelings invalidated and

their grieving needs unmet.

DEATH OF A SIBLING (continued)



Stephanie Dowden (1995, p. 78) offered the following guidance for the

care of bereaved siblings:

► Children have a need to grieve following the death of a sibling;

► Children have the right to know about and share in family grief;

► Each child is an individual and needs to be treated as such; and

► Given the opportunity and a safe environment, many children are able

and willing to discuss issues surrounding death.

DEATH OF A SIBLING (continued)



The death of a friend/peer is an all-too-common experience that can

deeply affect children and adolescents in ways that adults may not comprehend

or acknowledge: “There is no more challenging time than when we are

called on to explain the death of a child to other children” (Metzgar, 1995,

p. 167).

Wass (2003) observed, “The death of a peer can destroy the sense

of invincibility with which children tend to shield themselves, and make

them aware of their own vulnerability, a discovery that may be extremely

threatening” (p. 35).

Also, because friends play crucial roles in helping youths accomplish

various psychosocial tasks (e.g., achieving individuation, consolidating a

personal identity), “the death of a friend may put at risk or delay successful

completion of those tasks” (Oltjenbruns, 1996, p. 215).

DEATH OF A FRIEND/PEER/CLASSMATE



Peers left behind in the wake of a friend’s death are frequently indirect

victims and forgotten/invisible mourners who may experience disenfranchised

grief: “Adults may not recognize that children also experience grief and

have similar needs for information and clarity at a level and in language

that they, the children, can understand” (Holland, 2004, p. 11).

Bereavement as a result of a friend’s death “can evolve into losses of

other friends who are not grieving, who find the person’s grief both

uncomfortable and tiresome, and who withdraw from the relationship” (Balk,

1998, p. 5).

DEATH OF A FRIEND/PEER/CLASSMATE (continued)



Educators are sometimes reluctant to engage in developmentally

appropriate sharing of information regarding a classmate’s death, when such

honest communication may indeed dispel rumors, mitigate confusion, and

provide comfort and reassurance to grieving youths.

Knowledge empowers grieving youths who have experienced the

death of a peer/friend: “Experiencing the disappearance of a friend without

knowing what happened to him can be more distressing than hearing

about his death” (Essa, Murray, & Everts, 1995, p. 132).




When a student dies, he/she leaves behind an empty classroom desk, and, perhaps, an empty hallway locker. What is prudent in such circumstances?

The Dougy Center for Grieving Children and Families (2003, p. 29) has suggested the following:

―There should be a time when his or her desk or locker remains unchanged. The visual reminder often helps students with their grieving. Whisking a student‘s desk out of the class immediately minimizes the impact of the student‘s life on others.‖


Source: (2003). Helping the grieving student: A guide for teachers. Portland, OR:

The Dougy Center, The National Center for Grieving Children and Families.



Sometimes, grieving students will emotionally attach themselves to a deceased classmate’s desk or locker, occasionally creating a “shrine.” In these cases, educators need to strike a balance between being sensitive to grieving students’ emotional needs and maintaining order/safety.

In such cases, The Dougy Center for Grieving Children and Families (2003, p. 29) has suggested the following:

―Rather than simply taking down pictures, notes or drawings place on a student‘s locker and demanding that students disperse, provide a time to meet with the students affected and develop a compromise. For example, the school could allow a display case to be used to exhibit notes, cards and expressions….In general, it is a good idea to involve students in the class around these decisions, asking them what they‘d like to see done with the desk, locker, etc.‖






The death of a teacher or other school staff member impacts the entire school community.

Thus, it is critical to inform all students about the death and to be aware of varying, and often unpredictable and extreme reactions (sometimes from students you may least expect!).

―Students may exhibit varying reactions to the death of

a school staff person, depending on how well they knew her,

how the person died or other factors. Allowing the student to

talk about the death and how they are being impacted is

extremely helpful‖ (The Dougy Center, 2003, p. 34).

DEATH OF A TEACHER/SCHOOL STAFF MEMBER





Deborah Carey, principal of West Middle School in

Auburn, NY, in her 2008 article, Gone but Not Forgotten:

Grief at School, asserted that “an effective crisis

management plan contains six key components that

must be adapted depending on the particular incident

and the available personnel” (p. 37).

Deborah Carey’s six recommended components are

explicated in the next few slides through indicated direct

quotations and emphasis added (i.e., bold type,

underlining of some direct quotations, and bracketed

text).

Source:

Carey, D. (2008). Gone but not forgotten: Grief at school. Principal Leadership, 8(8), 36–39.

Loss and Grief in the School Community:

Activating Caring and Effective Responses

Component #1: DESIGNATED ROLES

Although the principal provides leadership direction, ensures safety, and

handles the demands of the entire school, in the face of sorrow/grief, other individuals also

must assume important support roles: “The school community must know who is in

charge in each context to ensure the emotional and physical safety of all” (Carey, 2008,

p. 37).

Communications Manager: Coordinates communication among transportation and

custodial/physical plant staff members, part-time workers, and school visitors who enter

the school “after the initial emergency meetings” (Carey, 2008, p. 37).

Counseling Team. Led by a counseling team leader who directs the counseling plan,

the “team should be composed of administrators and counselors who have received

grief management training, typically through local mental health services” (Carey,

2008, p. 37).

Security Manager. Because a student death may cause peers to act unpredictably

(including physically escaping from the emotion-laden school environment), “rigorous,

attentive security measures should be in place” (Carey, 2008, p. 37). The Security

Manager may be an assistant principal who can direct “faculty and staff members to secure

the building and keep close tabs on students” (Carey, 2008, p. 37).



Source:


Component #2: EFFECTIVE AND TARGETED COMMUNICATIONS

Pre-Opening Calls:

Have an up-to-date phone tree.

Principal makes calls to faculty and staff members before school convenes.

Designated staff members may assist the principal to: handle before-school telephone

calls; greet school visitors; and “prepare written communications” (Carey, 2008, p. 37).

Crisis Team Meeting:

Should be the first meeting of the day.

Business should include: Review of the official message regarding the death:

assignment of responsibilities; identification of meeting sites; and compilation of a

preliminary list of students “likely to be affected by the death” (Carey, 2008, p. 37).



Source:


Component #2: EFFECTIVE AND TARGETED COMMUNICATIONS

Faculty and Staff Meetings:

Before the school day begins, adults in the school community should convene “to hear

the news and to share their feelings of loss and sadness” (Carey, 2008, pp. 37–38).

A written outline of the plan for the day should be prepared.

Clear directives should be given to faculty regarding: (1) releasing students from class

so they can “go to counseling locations” and (2) “the need for vigilance in the hallways and

while taking attendance” (Carey, 2008, p. 38).

When the school day is over, “faculty and staff members should attend another meeting

where they can react to the day and share their successes and concerns” (Carey, 2008, p.38).



Source:


Component #2: EFFECTIVE AND TARGETED COMMUNICATIONS (continued)

Informing Students:

Do not use the PA system to announce the death! The coldness, impersonality, and

possible incoherence of the PA system outweigh its convenience.

Instead, teachers should break the news about the death to their homeroom

students or the student group/class they have at the beginning of the school day.

The principal should prepare “a brief written message that includes nonjudgmental facts

about the death; an expression of sadness about [the] loss; and brief, simple information

about available support” Carey, 2008, p. 38).

If a teacher cannot read the principal’s message aloud to the students, then the

principal should assign another adult to read the message (or someone may wish to

volunteer).



Source:



Communicating with Families:

Contact with the deceased student’s family and expressions of sympathy/support from

the school are important.

If the family of the deceased student had been active participants in the school

community, then “the loss of their child also means the secondary loss of the social network

they had at school (Carey, 2008, p. 38). When this is the case, “personal connection and

reassurance is of particular comfort” (Carey, 2008, p. 38).

Typically, it is often valuable to send a letter home to all parents.

Also, “when the death is a mysterious one or occurred on school property, the community

needs accurate information and the assurance that the school is handling the tragedy” (Carey,

2008, p. 38).



Source:



Media Contact. Public attention for a student death due to a long-term illness (e.g.,

cancer) is rare. However, “Deadly accidents, suicide, and unexplained death draw

intrusive and awkward media attention. The principal must designate a media

contact person, either him- or herself or a subordinate… [This person should talk

about] the school’s support plan for distraught students [and] reassure the community

about the quality services the school was offering to students” (Carey, 2008, p. 38).



Source:


Component #3: SCHEDULE FOR THE DAY

Extended homeroom/first period: (1) teacher/designee reads the principal’s

message to students; (2) preparations are made for students who need to leave the

school; and (3) remaining students’ questions and concerns are answered/addressed.

“Grade-level assemblies [can be used to bring] students and teachers together to

reassure students about their own well-being. Children’s emotional and physical

comfort is increased when they recognize that knowledgeable, caring adults are in

charge” (Carey, 2008, p. 38).

Component #4: SECURITY PLAN

The Security Manager and other selected/assigned school staff members secure the

school building from:

Media intrusion;

Parents who remove their upset children without following standard procedures; and

Anyone who might try exploit “the unusual atmosphere” (Carey, 2008, p. 38).

Doors should be locked or supervised by staff members.

Responsibilities of teachers (and available support staff members) should include

periodic checks of bathrooms and other locations in which students might hide.

“The heightened sense of building security can be a comfort to those who are

emotionally distraught” (Carey, 2008, p. 38).



Source:


Component #5: BASIC COUNSELING STRATEGIES

Honor students’ requests to go to the designated counseling site(s).

The school counselor(s) [or other school mental health professional(s)] “will quickly

identify „curious‟ students, who often opt to return to class because they feel awkward in the

emotionally charged environment” (Carey, 2008, p. 38).

Occasionally, adults in the school environment may be skeptical about particular

students’ connections to the student who died, and then discover that “they were

neighbors, went to the same day care, or played Little League ball together” (Carey, 2008, p.

38).

Also, some students “may have unresolved grief and need help coping with resurrected

sadness (Carey, 2008, p. 39). [Note: In some cases, there may be students who picked on

and/or had conflicts with the student who died, and, thus, they experience guilt incident

to their prior interactions with the deceased student] (Carey, 2008, p. 39).



Source:


Component #5: BASIC COUNSELING STRATEGIES [continued]

Primary Counseling Space:

Should be a location in the school that is “large enough for a circle that allows

counselors to see all reactions and to assess needs” (Carey, 2008, p. 39).

Students should “sign in and out of this site with specific passes” (Carey, 2008, p. 39).

Teachers and other school staff members should be welcome to attend the counseling

sessions: “Sharing their own sadness and tears gives students important models for how to

cope with uncomfortable feelings and will help students feel connected and cared about”

(Carey, 2008, p. 39).

Secondary Spaces: “Students who exhibit excessive, distracting grief should move to

another setting with a counseling professional until they are able to rejoin the larger group”

(Carey, 2008, p. 39).



Source:


Component #5: BASIC COUNSELING STRATEGIES [continued]

Counseling Process:

“Ground rules” for counseling sessions – The school-based mental health professional who leads

large-group counseling sessions should begin the sessions by announcing the following ground rules:

The right to personal/individual feelings and experiences;

The right to listen quietly;

The confidentiality of the emotions and stories that are shared during the session; and

The need to sign in and sign out of the counseling session. (Carey, 2008, p. 39)

In the counseling session(s), “The lead counselor should channel the conversation from reaction

to shared stories about the student to students’ concerns about the death to a discussion of next

steps [e.g., family visitation, funeral/wake attendance]” (Carey, 2008, p. 39). Students who express

fear/anxiety regarding attending death-related rituals “should be encouraged to talk with relatives

about attending the services, and school personnel should consider attending to support students and

the sorrowing family” (Carey, 2008, p. 39).

The counseling session(s) “should work toward considering ways to honor the memory of their lost

friend and classmate” (Carey, 2008, p. 39). A safe and suitable way for students to express their

feelings is to create notes or cards for the deceased student’s family. Finally, “Students should be told

about ongoing support that is available from counselors and administrators” (Carey, 2008, p. 39).



Source:


Component #6: FOLLOW-UP ACTIVITIES

“Children and adults all welcome an opportunity to comfort the sorrowing family”

(Carey, 2008, p. 39):

Creating cards/posters that include personalized condolences to the

student’s family; and

Fundraisers for scholarships/contributions to a particular charity.

Consider “lowering the flag [to half-staff] in light of the nature of the death (Carey,

2008, p. 39).

Toward the end of balancing care with caution, however, it is important to keep the

following caveat in mind: “too much attention to tragedies, such as suicide, may prompt

copycat behavior from students who would like to receive the same amount of attention

or a means of punishing others whom they perceive as being hurtful” (Carey, 2008, p. 39).



Source:


Source: Goldman, L. (2006). Best practice grief work with students in the schools.

In C. Franklin, M. B. Harris, & P. Allen-Meares (Eds.), The school services

sourcebook: A guide for school-based professionals (pp. 567–575). New York: Oxford

University Press.

Common Signs of Grieving Youths in the Classroom

The student…

► Has become the class clown or class bully

► Has become withdrawn and unsociable

► Has become restless and unable to stay seated

► Calls out of turn

► Does not complete schoolwork

► Is having problems listening and remaining on task

► Has become overly talkative

► Has become disorganized

► Engages in reckless physical actions

► Shows poor concentration around external stimuli

► Shows difficulty in following directions

► Shows a change in grades and lack of interest in school

Children’s and Adolescents’ Reactions

to Grief and Loss

Tend to go in and out of grief Developmental stage will influence their reactions All cannot talk openly about their loss and feelings May not seem to be affected at all (external vs. internal responses or “survival mode”) Play is one way in particular they make sense of the changes in their world Not unusual for them to experience physical reactions Need to grieve any significant loss/change/death at all developmental stages for healthy resolution

Source: Operation: Military Kids (OMK) – Ready, Set, Go! Training. Chapter 8: Impact of Grief,

Trauma, and Loss on Children and Youth. Gainesville, FL: University of Florida, College of

Agricultural and Life Sciences, Institute of Food and Agricultural Sciences.

[http://4h.ifas.ufl.edu/Military/ReadySetGo/PowerPoints/RSG_8PPT.ppt]

Academic Responses of Grieving Students

Inability to focus or concentrate

Failing or declining grades

Incomplete or poor quality of work

Increased absence or reluctance to go to school

Forgetful, memory loss

Over achievement, trying to be perfect

Inattentiveness

Daydreaming





Behavioral Responses of Grieving Students

Disruptive behaviors, noisy outbursts Aggressive behaviors, frequent fighting Non-compliance to requests Increase in risk-taking or unsafe behaviors Isolation or withdrawal Regressive behaviors to a time when things felt more safe and in control High need for attention A need to check in with parent/significant other





Emotional Responses of Grieving Students

Insecurity, issues of abandonment, safety concerns Concern over being treated differently from others Fear, guilt, anger, regret, sadness, confusion “I don’t care” attitude Depression, hopelessness, intense sadness Overly sensitive, frequently tearful, irritable Appears unaffected by change/loss/death Preoccupation, wanting details Recurring thoughts of death, suicide





Social Responses of Grieving Students

Withdrawal from friends and family

Withdrawal from activities and sports

Use of alcohol and other drugs

Changes in relationships with teachers/peers

Changes in family roles

Wanting to be physically close to safe adult

Sexual acting out

Stealing, shoplifting

Difficulty being in a group or crowd





Physical Responses of Grieving Students

Stomachaches, headaches, heartaches

Frequent accidents or injuries

Nightmares, dreams, or sleep difficulties

Loss of appetite or increased eating

Low energy, weakness

Nausea, upset stomach, hives, rashes, etc.

Increased illnesses, low resistance

Rapid heartbeat





Developmental Responses ofMiddle School Youths

Experience range of emotions impacted by physical/hormonal development

Comprehend change/loss/death as final and unavoidable

Feelings of helplessness and hopelessness may increase risk-taking behaviors

Argumentative, anger, fighting

Withdrawal, sullenness

Need healthy physical outlets

Lack of concentration

Risk-taking behaviors (alcohol/drugs, sexual acting out, stealing)

Unpredictable ups and downs or moodiness

Erratic, inconsistent reactions





How to Help Middle School Youths

Expect and accept mood swings

Provide supportive environment where student can

share, when needed

Anticipate increased physical concerns, illness, body

aches, pains

Allow to choose with whom and how s/he gets support

Encourage participation in support group

Allow flexibility in completing school work





They cannot decide when feelings will erupt, and may not be able to label their feelings accurately.

They cannot decide which feelings to have and may have difficulty talking about them.

Explosive emotions may be an outward expression of grief work directed toward anyone available.

They may be fairly protective of themselves and their emotions when they are with peers.

They may generally keep their emotional reactions

secret, perhaps becoming withdrawn and depressed.

They may use denial and maintain an appearance of

control and ―life as usual.‖

They may take on a ―caretaker‖ role.

Checklist of Common Grief-Related

Behaviors of School-Age Youths

Common Mistakes When Dealing with Death

● Words and actions to avoid:

— Acting as if nothing has happened

— Suggesting the person has grieved long enough

— Indicating they should ―get over it‖ and move on

— Expecting business as usual when it comes to school/work performance

● Please don’t ever say…

— “It could be worse…”

— “I know how you feel…”

— “You’ll be stronger because of this…”





Secondary Losses:Grief Ripples in the Pool of Life

When an immediate family member or significant

other dies (e.g., friend, teacher), children and adolescents

must cope with not only the loss of that relationship, but

also may have to deal with secondary losses incident to the

death (Baker, 1997; Klicker, 2000; Raveis et al., 1999;

Smith, 1999; Wolfelt, 1996).

Secondary losses are consequences that “are not

directly related to the death, but rather result from the initial

consequences of the death, or occur simultaneously with the

dying, death, or during bereavement” (Mahon, 1999, p. 301).

Many of these losses stem from experiences and behavioral

expectations inherent in the attachment relationship with the

deceased (Weiss, 2001).

Secondary Losses:Grief Ripples in the Pool of Life

Among the cascade of secondary losses that can

complicate the grieving process and often go

unacknowledged in their affect on the child or

adolescent are:

■ Loss of income;

■ Loss of future together;

■ Loss of special relationship;

■ Change in household routines;

■ Family disintegration; and

■ Moving/having to live with relatives.

Sources: Cournos, 2001; Mahon, 1999; Raveis et al., 1999; Smith, 1999; Wolfelt, 1996

Possible Gender-Related Grieving Differences

► Boys and girls may differentially desire and be

offered/receive varying degrees, durations and types of

social-emotional support in the midst of grief from family

members and peers (e.g., having someone listen as they

share their experience of the loss, understand their

feelings, express sorrow, hug them, allow them to cry, help

with problem solving, share memories of the deceased,

distract them from the loss).

► In particular, adolescent boys may have a difficult time

grieving, especially “when they have been taught that

showing emotion is something that girls do – but macho guys

don‟t” (Fitzgerald, 2000, p. 74).

Possible Gender-Related

Grieving Differences

► Although “grieving patterns are influenced by gender, not

determined by them” (Doka, 1999, p. 8), there appear to be distinct

patterns of grieving or strategies of adapting to loss among many males

and females – for example, “instrumental” and “intuitive” grievers (Martin

& Doka, 2000).

―Instrumental‖ Grievers

(likely boys)

―Intuitive‖ Grievers

(likely girls)

Tend to have a tempered

affect to a loss

Describe their grief in

physical or cognitive terms

Are more likely to

cognitively process or immerse

themselves in activity

More likely to experience their

grief as waves of affect

Frequently need to express

their feelings and seek the

support of others


Grieving DifferencesThe experiences of a youth counseling national help line/web-

based counseling service in Australia appear to support these apparent

gender-related differences in problem solving behaviors:

“Compared to females, males are more likely to focus on what to do about their concerns and less likely to want to explore the nature of those concerns…Counsellors tend to avoid directly asking males about their feelings, preferring instead to use more subtle ways to engage them on an emotional level. A common approach is to ask the caller what he thinks about an experience or event rather than what he feels. The focus on thoughts rather than feelings appears to be a safe way for males to reflect and provides a space in which feelings may surface.”

(Kids Help Line, 2002, p. 3)


Grieving DifferencesTo foster a school environment that is supportive of gender-related

differences in grief, Dr. Louise Rowling (2002, p. 289) has suggested using the

following generic questions:

(1) How did you react? (not What did you feel?)

(2) How do you experience your grief?

(3) What did the loss mean to you?

(4) What strategies do you use to cope that are helpful?

(5) What kind of advice (guidance) is helpful? and

(6) With whom do you share your loss?

Source: Rowling, L. (2002). Youth and disenfranchised grief. In K. J. Doka (Ed.),

Disenfranchised grief: New directions, challenges, and strategies for practice (pp. 275-292).

Champaign, IL: Research Press.

“Disenfranchised Grief”

With certain types of losses, a youth’s grief experience is often

“disenfranchised” – because of socially determined “grieving rules” of parents,

other adults, and peers that endeavor to specify who, when, where, how, how

long, and for whom a child or adolescent shall grieve, the child or adolescent is

not “accorded the right to grieve…[Their] grief is not openly acknowledged,

socially validated, or publicly observed” (Doka, 2002, p. 5).

Dr. Kenneth Doka has suggested five broad categories of loss that are

disenfranchised:

(1) Lack of recognition of the relationship;

(2) Lack of acknowledgement of the loss;

(3) Exclusion of the griever;

(4) Circumstances of the death; and

(5) The ways individuals grieve.

The following are some of the loss-related events frequently involving

disenfranchised grief:

► A friend moving away

► Loss/breakup of a romantic relationship

► The death of a friend/peer

► Divorce

► Adoption

► Placement in foster care

► Incarceration of one or both parents

► Death of a pet

► Moving to a new residence/changing schools

► Losses involving very young children

► Deaths involving societal stigma (e.g., suicide, homicide, HIV/AIDS)


Because the very nature of disenfranchised grief creates additional problems for grievers while removing or minimizing their sources of support (Doka, 2002), support groups may offer disenfranchised grievers:

(1) Validation for their losses by connecting them with

others who share similar losses;

(2) Suggestions for coping;

(3) Hope to members at different points in their grief

journeys through sharing of stories; and

(4) The possibility of enhancing their self-esteem through

providing assistance to others (Pesek, 2002).

Also, rituals (i.e., memorials, funerals) can be a powerful therapeutic tool for enfranchising disenfranchised grievers, because they can validate grief and allow opportunities for catharsis, may offer support and help grievers in their search for meaning in the midst of loss (Doka, 2002).


Proactive Post-Loss Support and School-Based Interventions

Individual and Group Counseling/Support for Bereaved Youths

Although grief, as a process, is natural, the course of grief

may not always come naturally, and intervention/guidance from a

mental health professional may be beneficial, assisting the bereaved

child or adolescent to not grieve their loss alone and to facilitate the

integration of the loss into their life and move on.

The goal of grief counseling is to facilitate mourning in a

recently bereaved child or adolescent (Worden, 2002).

“Counseling children who have sustained a loss is not

traditional psychotherapy. It is a combination of comforting,

educating, exploring, and inviting expression” (Ward-Wimmer &

Napoli, 2000, p. 111).


Individual and Group Counseling/Support for Bereaved Youths [continued]

McGlauflin (1992, p. 18) delineated several important elements in grief

counseling with bereaved youths:

(1) A time for declaring or relating the detailed story of the loss,

including who/what and when, and how it happened, how the youth felt about

how they were informed of the loss, and what part, if any, they played in family

rituals associated with the loss;

(2) A time for remembering the lost person, place, or thing, including

discussing positive/negative qualities, important times/experiences/events, and

times when they most miss the lost person, place or thing;

(3) A time for expressing all kinds of feelings in all their intensities; and

(4) A time for renewal and looking toward the future, which entails

considering the bereaved youth’s coping skills, identifying support resources,

anticipating particularly difficult times (i.e., anniversaries, holidays), and

reestablishing hope.



Because youths often dislike being considered “different” from their peers, bereavement groups can “offer the peer support that the bereaved child so greatly craves, since the group helps him/her realize that other children have also lost loved ones to death” (Webb, 2002, pp. 253-254).

Group counseling activities and support groups can provide a normalizing and safe environment of commonality/universality in which bereaved youths can talk about their loss, express feelings, acquire and practice coping skills, and experience personal validation and social support: “Because bereaved children may feel lonely, angry, anxious, and guilty, the use of group intervention may ease their feelings of loneliness and self-attribution as they disclose their common experiences to others”(Ayyash-Abdo, 2001, p. 428).



Therapeutic group work may be especially beneficial when a few or several children and adolescents have experienced a common loss (e.g., a parent, sibling, pet, etc.), because participating youths can typically see and hear what they are experiencing is also known to others:

―There‘s a felt connection. They no longer feel alone, but join with kindred others going through a similar experience. There‘s a sense of ‗You, too?‘ and ‗Me, too.‘ The depth and intensity of grief is shared, legitimized, and validated‖ (Dr. Betty J. Carmack, 2003, p. 63).


Creative Arts-Based Interventions

Creative arts-based activities can provide opportunities for bereaved

youths to express their thoughts and feelings about a death: “Even teenagers

often find it safer and more true to their feelings to express them in paint, poetry,

clay, theater, crafts, and created rituals, rather than trying to tell someone explicitly

how they feel” (Fry, 2000, p. 126).

Because drawing is a natural exploratory and expressive activity in

which children engage, it is an ideal vehicle for younger bereaved children (Hogan &

Graham, 2002) and youths exposed to sudden traumatic deaths (Clements,

Benasutti, & Henry, 2001) to explore and communicate loss-related thoughts

and feelings.

Diane Le Count (2000) observed that creative art therapy can help

children “work from the inside out” – “Working with the arts can feel safe for the

child. It can create a safe place for an emotional discharge, at other times pictures

or play may enable the expression of the struggle and confusion surrounding a loss

or multiple losses which the child may only be able to express non-verbally. It can

also be a way of working through unacceptable feelings” (p. 18).


Some children and adolescents may not feel comfortable talking

about/sharing their grief-related feelings individually with a helping professional or in a group setting.

In such cases, Pennebaker, Zech, and Rimé (2001) advocated the use of writing/journaling as a clinical tool for the following reasons:

(1) Writing allows the student to express his or her emotions without the direct evaluation of another person;

(2) It does not need a real recipient to be present; and (3) Writing may induce the structuring of thoughts,

feelings and meaning making.

As aids to grief resolution, journaling, creative writing, letter writing, poetry, and essays and other creative writing activties may have preventive and therapeutic-personal growth benefits for bereaved youths (Brandell, 2002; Gaines-Lane, 1997; Goldman, 2000; Wolfe, 1995).

Written Expression-Based Interventions


“Death robs us of a present and future with our loved

one, but it has no firm grip on the past. Therefore, memories

are probably the most precious gifts that survivors are left

with….By reminiscing, children are demonstrating their

beginning acceptance of the loss” (Normand, Silverman, &

Nickman, 1996, pp. 108-109).

Memory is a way of holding onto the

things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose.

– From the television show, The Wonder Years

Memory Boxes/Books


Toward that end, Winston’s Wish, a bereavement support

program for youths and their caregivers located in Gloucestershire, UK, advocates the use of memory boxes, memory/life books, calendars of memories, family records, and storytelling about the deceased (Stokes & Crossley, 1995). Involving children and

adolescents in activities such as these serves several purposes:

♥ To support a bereaved young person and their family;

♥ To preserve a continuing link with the person who has died;

♥ To involve young people in the mourning process; and

♥ To assist bereaved youths and their families take steps along

their unique bereavement journeys.

Memory Boxes/Books


When a school community experiences a death, “Goodbyes are

necessary and a healthy part of the healing process,” and “are essential in order to

regain the focus on learning at school” (Booth & Cowdrey, 1992, p. 44).

Fast (2003) noted that memorializing deceased children and adolescents

in the form of “grief projects” involving artistic expression and social activism is

best understood in the context of the task of adjusting to an environment in which

the deceased is missing (i.e., Worden, 2002).

Regarding school memorial activities following traumatic events, Poland

and Zenere (2004) have recommended that memorial activities be:

(1) Based on the needs and desires of the school community;

(2) Initiated, if possible, within one week of the traumatic event [at

least the initial memorial activity];

(3) Planned by a school-based committee comprised of

administrators, teachers, parents, students [especially those who had

personal ties to the victim(s)], and community members; and

(4) Planned as a series of activities involving survivors, rather than

a traditional establishment of a permanent marker or structure.

Memorializing the Deceased

Guiding Principles for Memorials

A memorial should not overshadow or interfere with

the school’s primary mission of educating students

A memorial should add to a positive learning

environment and add to the mission of educating

students

A memorial should be life affirming, inspiring and

spiritually uplifting

The school belongs to the students of the future, not

only to the students of the past and the present

Source: Wong, M., Kelly, J., & Stephens, R. D. (2001). Jane’s School

Safety Handbook. Alexandria, VA: Jane’s Information Group.

Some Ways Adults Can Actively Involve Children and

Adolescents in Commemorating a Loss

► Create a ceremony, such as releasing a balloon with a

special note, lighting a candle, etc.

► Create a memorial wall with stories and pictures of shared

events

► Have an assembly about the person who died

► Plan a memorial garden

► Initiate a scholarship fund

► Establish an ongoing fundraiser (e.g., a car wash, a bake

sale) with proceeds going toward the bereaved family’s

designated charity

► Place memorial pages in the school yearbook or school

newspaper

► Send flowers to the grieving family

Source: Goldman, L. (2006). Best practice grief work with students in the schools.

In C. Franklin, M. B. Harris, & P. Allen-Meares (Eds.), The school services

sourcebook: A guide for school-based professionals (pp. 567–575). New York: Oxford

University Press.

There is very little access to the brain, when the heart is in pain.

–– Janet E. Hart

4th-grade teacher

West Yarmouth, MA

Concluding Remarks

The grief of a child or adolescent

does not follow a “pacing guide.”

–– Dr. Gary W. Mauk

Dr. Donna Schuurman, National Director of The Dougy Center for

Grieving Children in Portland, OR, proffered some lessons she has learned

from grieving youths (Schuurman, 2002, pp. 23-25):

(1) They know and understand much more than that for which we give

them credit;

(2) One of the greatest obstacles to their healing after a death is

adults;

(3) They do not need to be fixed;

(4) They do not need to be taught how to grieve as much as they

need to be permitted to grieve and derive their own meaning from the death

experience;

(5) They are resilient, but their resilience does not exist in a

psychosocial vacuum;

(6) Theories may be helpful as guides to understanding, but they may

obscure our ability to be truly available to a bereaved youth;

Source: Schuurman, D. (2002). The club no one wants to join: A dozen things I’ve learned

from grieving children and adolescents. Grief Matters: The Australian Journal of Grief and

Bereavement, 5(2), 23-25.

What Can We Learn from Grieving Youths?[Dr. Donna Schuurman, 2002]

(7) Labels may be fine for containers, but are not so good for bereaved

youths – we need to remember that behind every label is a frightened child or

adolescent;

(8) Although bereaved youths’ expressions of grief facilitate the healing

process, the form that expression takes is highly variable, and what matters most

to the bereaved youth is feeling understood;

(9) We would be better off reframing emotions as messages from our

souls, rather than as enemies from which to flee;

(10) Sorrow needs varied opportunities for expression (e.g., words,

play, exercise, music, visual art, play), including silence;

(11) Bereaved youths need, desire, and deserve honesty, truth, and

choices to build trust, regain control and stability, and take responsibility for their

decisions; and

(12) The best thing we, as adults, can do for grieving youths is to listen

to them with our ears, eyes, hearts, and souls.

Source: Schuurman, D. (2002). The club no one wants to join: A dozen things I’ve learned

from grieving children and adolescents. Grief Matters: The Australian Journal of Grief and

Bereavement, 5(2), 23-25.

What Can We Learn from Grieving Youths?[Dr. Donna Schuurman, 2002]

―Whether a loss is due to the death of a student, a

faculty or staff member, or a member of the community,

a viable, organized strategy for coping with loss ensures

that the tragedy does not increase the bereaved’s pain or

the students’ vulnerability to further incidents.

Although there are no surefire formulas for making

everything OK in the face of enormous sadness, the

school community can take specific actions to

acknowledge grief and begin a healing process‖ (Carey,

2008, p. 37).

Source:


Educators Grieve, Too: Taking Care to Take Care of Yourself

Educators sometimes relive previous death-related experiences

that compound the reality and emotion surrounding a student’s death,

and “teachers who have not adequately resolved their own misgivings

about death will be less able to help children and parents deal with the

issue” (Essa et al., 1995, p. 132).

Because school management practices often do not acknowledge

the grief of school staff members, such individuals may benefit from

opportunities to validate their relationship with the deceased and openly

express their feelings about the death (Dr. Louise Rowling, 1995):

► Openly acknowledging the impact of traumatic

events/deaths on teachers and other school personnel;

► Identifying staff members who may be at-risk for

psychological difficulties due to prior traumatic experiences or current

stressors; and

► Providing support activities/counseling opportunities.

Educators Grieve, Too: Taking Care to Take Care of Yourself

It can be difficult, painful, and physically/emotionally exhausting to work with grieving students.

As such, The Dougy Center (2003, p. 27) has suggested the following ways for educators to take care of themselves after a death.

■ Making time to talk with other school staff members about

grieving students;

■ Talking with trusted individuals about your feelings;

■ Remembering that grief issues take a varying amount of

time to process;

■ Getting proper nutrition/hydration, exercise, sleep and

reflective time; and

■ Seeking professional support, when necessary.

Source: (2003). Helping the grieving student: A guide for teachers. Portland, OR: The Dougy Center, The National Center for Grieving Children and Families.

Source: Dyregrov, K., & Dyregrov, A. (2008). Effective grief and bereavement support: The role of family, friends, colleagues, schools and support professionals. London, UK: Jessica Kingsley.

(1) Provide us with information that is accurate and sincere. Do not refrain from giving us

information that we want to receiver or will hear from others.

(2) Do not pressure us to grieve like our parents or other adults.

(3) Do not pressure us to speak, but signal that it is OK and be there when we are ready and

want to talk or share our feelings.

(4) Do not impose too much of the adults’ despair upon us or allow us to assume adult roles.

(5) Do not despair unnecessarily over insufficient reactions or talk on our part (most of us

talk to our friends).

(6) Pay attention to whether or not we function well on a daily basis after the first few months

(e.g., sleeping well vs. nightmares/sleep disturbances, eating normally vs. changed

eating patterns, meeting friends or isolating ourselves, school performance as before vs.

enhanced performance/drop in grades).

(7) Try to provide/accept that we need “time outs” to do fun things and to relax with friends,

even at an early point in time when adults cannot conceive of such a thing.

(8) Talk to the school about how we are doing, check whether the necessary support

measures have been implemented (in collaboration with us).

(9) Ensure that a close relative/acquaintance is available to serve as a “support figure” at

the start (someone with whom we already have good contact/rapport).

(10) Make it clear that it is acceptable to speak about the deceased and the event over time.

10 Main Themes of Bereaved Youths’ Support Requests

from Adults in Their Environment[Dyregrov & Dyregrov, 2008, p. 91]

“As educators, we are in a

profession that is solely based

on building productive lives

for our students. They are our

future and when one is cut

short, all of us are affected.

Dealing with a myriad of

human emotions comes with

the territory of teaching,

counseling, and

administrating within our

schools” (Greene, 2003, p. 18).

Reference: Greene, B. (2003). Grief in the classroom: Part 1. Bereavement Magazine, 17(5), 18–19.

EVERY ADULT ON THE SCHOOL

CAMPUS PLAYS AN IMPORTANT

ROLE IN SUPPORTING AND

ASSISTING GRIEVING STUDENTS

When students experience a loss, it

helps to have somebody on whom they

can depend for support.

supporting students affected by losswednesday’s... · reference: whelley, p., cash, r. e., &...

Documents