Super G and the Saltire

[From Mansion House to Miners' V/elfare;one huge step for Mankind,one little step for Gordon.]

Paul Laverty

10th of September ' 14

G AND ALTIRE

[As secretly recorded by cameron's second footman - honestly.]SLNDAY MORNING 7TH OF SEPT '14. IO DOWNING STREET.LONDON.

The Sunday newspapers have just arrived, and are spread out all over thekitchen table as David Cameron's furious eyes skip over the bombshellheadlines of the YouGov poll putting the Yes campaign ahead for the firsttiq., by-the tightest of margini, 5lyo to 49vo. He has phone under hischin and_the phone rings out. He pounds the table in diigust. He can feelhis blood pressure mo-r11t as the phone continues to ring. He flicks throughmore devastating headlines as his face tightens.

CAMERON[as phone continues to ring] Come on comeon......where are you Darling you greatuseless Dandy Dick Head.....

DARLINGfanswering] Sorry David.....I was in theshower....

CAMERONHow in the hell can you lose a24 point lead?!You promised me you would deliver. Fallingapart! Fuck, I'11 go down in history as thegreatest Loser Of All Time! First line inWikipedia....round my neck till the day Idie....then on the fucking gravestone! Worsethan Blair with Iraq! I even took Devo Maxoff the ballot....OFF! After listening to clownslike you!

DARLINGWe have to keep a cool head David....it isjust one poll..

CAMERONOne poll! And I should stick it up youranus! You know your problem?....fslowly]You look just like us. You sound, just likeus. You could have been in the Bullingdonclub with me and Boris! It's all my fault.

DARLINGV/ell David, with respect, if you don't mindme saying

2Deadly silence.

CAMERONfcopying] "...with respect, if you don't mindme saying"....Can you not get yourself apair of bollocks and good gruff Scottishaccent.....even just for the campaign, toomuch to ask?!

DARLING....I am perfectly conhdent once the bighitters in the City, the Bank of England,Nobel laureates....once this currency.....

CAMERONAlistair! Shut your trap! Have you seenDoctor Strangeglove?

DARLINGPardon?

CAMERONFilm, Kubrick.....Doom is on thehorizon. .... .Desperate times..... desperatemeasures......it's time for... [longpause]...Gordon.

CAMERON (CONT'D)Did you hear me? It is now time for....[ongpause again] Gordon.

DARLINGYou don't mean......"that" Gordon....

CAMERONYes I do Alistair.....

DARLINGBut it will look silly....I'm the Leader....we'11look desperate.....

CAMERON'We

are desperate!

DARLINGflosing it] But I hate the BASTARD!!

CAMERONDon't get into a strop Alistair, don't wantthat big top lip wobbling on me......We'11 hit

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JCAMERON (CONT'D)the Scotties with the three Big Ss, they'lllove that...."Scottish accent", "Socialist","Son of the Manse".....we'11 get him up toone of these Miners'Welfare Clubs inLothian....retired miners.....salt of theearth....years of misery etched on thefaces....he'll summon up the sprit of KeirHardie and "working class struggle"....Andwe'll get him to announce a bunch of stuffthat should have been Devo Max in the firstbloody place.....

DARLINGBut it's me that does the announcing.....

CAMERONYes, announce! He will! Housing benefit,welfare, they'll love that....

DARLINGBut the postal votes are already gone!

CAMERONDo you think history will give a fuck! Tieit all in to an "unbreakable" timetable....saintAndrew's Duy, Robert Burns..Robert thefucking Bruce for all I care.....when is that?And lets see if we can breathe some lifeinto that fucking useless Zombie labourparty before they lose their entire membershipafter Miliband nearly killed them off in thelast visit... ....4h!...I'll even hoist the Saltireon 10 Downing Street as we unleash SuperGordon!

DARLINGSuper Gordon?

CAMERONYes, Super Gordon, he's even got a goodScots name.....

DARLING"Alistair" is a good Scottish name

CAME,RONYes, but I told you, you look like a banker'sbutler!

4DARLINGBut could I not be "Super Ally?"

CAMERONNo, you can't be Super Ally. It's "Hoist theSaltire" and "Super Gordon" Socialist!Son of the Manse!

DARLINGBut he was part of Blair's war cabinet,Iraq...up to his neck in it too...if he hadresigned like Cook he could have sunkBlair....

CAMERONfl,ike a mantra] Super Gordon! Socialist!Son of the Manse!

DARLINGHis speech to the bankers at Mansion House!igger_doormat than I ever was....fmimickingBrown] "I congratulate you on yourremarkable achievements, an eiathat historywill record as the beginning of new golden "age in the city of London". A few monthslater we had to bail them out with 1.3trillion!!! How can he get away with that?

CAMERONSuper Gordon! Socialist! Son of the Manse!

DARLINGPrivitiser in Chiefl PFI's! Just one hospital,Addiewell, will cost us over 920 millio bythe time he has has written volume 36 of -How I Saved the World in25 years time!One hospital! Nearly a billion! Ten timesmore than it should be! Socialist!

CAMERONSuper Gordon! Socialist! Son of the Manse!

DARLINGfhis voice beginning to crack] But his jawdrops at the end of every sentnce.....

CAMERONThat's because his head has to carry a greatbig hulking Scottish brain made fromgirders.....Super Gordon....

5DARLINGBut he sold off 400 tons of gold bullion arthe worst possible time and lost a fortune!

CAMERONHoist the Saltire! Son of the Manse!

DARLINGfmore desperation] But I know JK Rowlingmuch better than he does.....I met her first....

CAMERONAlistair....calm down....are you bubbling?

DARLINGAnd I've got thick silvery hair and astatesman's eyebrows.....I could even getthe Dalai Lama's personal phone number.

CAMERONAlistair....I'm sonl'....It's tough....do youreally want to break the Queen's heart in theWinter of her glorious reign.....it's got to beGordon.....

DARLINGBastard! Bastard! Bastard! Mansion Houseto Miners Welfare!! Iraq to Chief Privitiser!How does he do it!!!? How does the pressswallow it?! Great big boring bad temperedfoul mouthed sanctimonious twat of ahypocrite! Should be off to the Hague withBlair! At least I know I'm a banker's butler,but he gets away with being....

CAMERONSuper Gordon.

DARLINGHow in the name of fuck does he do it!?Do they feel sorry for him because he losthis eye? I might poke out one of my own!I demand to make the ANITIOUCEMENTS!

CAMERONStrop over? Do you want me to pull theplug on you Alistair?.....You have a longway to go.....Ermine and silk....Do youwant to join your friends Baron Reid ofCardowan, the Right Honourable the Lord

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6CAMERON (CONT'D)MacConnell of Glenscorrodale....BaronFoulkes of Cummnock? Take a deep breathand think...we will get through this.....wewill save the day......there could still be aknighthood for you Alistair if you findsome balls......I may look like a jamtart,Steve Bell may draw a condom on myhead....but I am a Tory, hard as steel....inour blood...I will sulmon up the spirit ofBirkenhead,Churchill, the Iron Lady....Iwill save this Union, Trident, our SpecialRelationship with The Land of the Free,our place at the IIN and I will not go downas a Loser! Do you hear me you littlebutler.......stop snivelling ......that'sbetter.....so Gordon is on his way to thefucking Miners Welfare...so say afterme.......Super Gordon...Socialist, Son of theManse...say it!

DARLINGfsticking in his throat, mumbling] SuperGordon.....Socialist, Son of the Manse....

CAMERONLouder! From your pubes!

DARLINGSuper Gordon! Socialist! Son of the Manse!

CAMERONPut your hands through your silvery hair,wiggle your statesmen's eyebrows....feel thepower...feel your manhoodgrow......together......

CAMERON AND DARLINGSuper Gordon! Socialist! Son of the Manse!

CAMERONRight....you get your nappy on, phone yourfriends in the City, and I'11 hoist the Saltire.

fPaul Laverty,l lth September 14.1

900 Golden Minutes.

7,

V/ill of the People, or Fear of the People?18th of September 2014. Polling stations open ar7am, close at lOpm. l5hours. 900 golden minutes. Saint Augustine of Hippo wrote in th 5thcentury, "Hope has two beautiful daughters. Anger, at the way things are,and Courage, to try and change them."