Strangers on a Playground

Characters

DEBRA, a mother, mid-thirtiesJEFF, a father, mid-thirties

Setting

A playground.

Strangers on a PlaygroundCopyright © 2010 by William Donnelly

wdonnelly@townisp.com

STRANGERS ON A PLAYGROUND

A playground. DEBRA is seated on a bench, watching her daughter play. JEFF enters,speaking to his son. He carries a large bag stuffed fat with clothes, snacks, juiceboxes,and the like. DEBRA has a similar bag beside her. The children remain unseen.

JEFFSlow it down now . . . Ryan . . . Slow. Thank you.

That’s fine, just stay on this side. This side, buddy.

Wait your turn, Ry . . . Buddy? . . . Gentle hands, right?

I know, but that little girl was already playing with that. You need to wait your turn.

DEBRAEmma . . . Share.

JEFF(To DEBRA.) It’s okay.

DEBRAShe’s been hogging it all morning.

Em . . .

Thank you, good sharing.

JEFFSay thank you, buddy.

Good job, Ry.

(To DEBRA.) How old?

DEBRAFour. Yours?

JEFFSame. Great age, isn’t it?

DEBRACan be.

JEFFBetter than two.

DEBRAOr two months.

JEFFOr three.

DEBRAUgh, three was the worst.

JEFFAmen to that.

DEBRAThey always say two, but three . . .

JEFFThree was a kick in the dick. Sorry.

DEBRAPlease.

JEFFShouldn’t talk like that. Makes it sound like I don’t enjoy being a dad. Which is decidedly notthe case. I’m finding the entire experience very . . . rewarding. Definitely the most significantthing I’ve done with my life. It’s been a real priority adjuster, I’ll say that. Soon as that babypopped out, whole lot of stuff went from “Important” to “Who Gives a Rat’s Ass”. And yeah, wesay what we say . . . “three is hard” . . . “two months is hard” . . . but that doesn’t cancel outthe—not to be obnoxious, but—all the special moments, y’know? Times he’ll say something, dosomething, give me a hug when I come through the door. You can’t beat that.

DEBRAHe your first?

JEFFYeah.

DEBRAGonna go for two?

JEFFWe’re in negotiations. You?

DEBRASometimes I like the thought of two. Sometimes I think two doesn’t just double the challenge butincreases it exponentially. I’m not sure that I’m up for “kid to the power of two.”

JEFFYeah, but I don’t know . . . some people seem to think having two actually helps the overalldomestic situation.

DEBRASome people think waterboarding helps the overall domestic situation.

JEFFRY . . . WHAT DID WE SAY? [‘scuse me a second.] Gentle hands, right, buddy? Let’s use ourlistening ears.

JEFF reaches into his bag, takes out a package of Goldfish crackers, begins to eat.

Did you ever think you’d use a phrase like “listening ears”?

DEBRAOr “Walking feet”?

JEFF“You get what you get and you don’t get upset.”

DEBRA“Because I’m the Mommy.”

JEFFWhat have we become?

DEBRAParents.

JEFFUnbelievable. I used to stage dive at The Middle East.

DEBRAI dated a Lemonhead.

JEFFWhich one?

DEBRANot Evan.

I can remember a time . . . and it wasn’t that long ago, either . . . I was actually able to form acomplete, cogent thought. Sometimes more than one. In a row. I could read, and remember whatI’d read. I’d even remember the title. Now? All gone. Placenta dementia. They’re not just takingin nutrients through that umbilical cord—they’re getting pieces of brain.

JEFFI’m not sure it’s just an umbilical thing, either. Speaking for myself—

DEBRAOh, no . . . I didn’t mean to imply it was mother-centric. It’s far more diabolical than that. Iactually had a realization . . . absolutely froze me. It was dinnertime, and my lovely daughter—ashas been her wont since we started her on solid food—she got about halfway through her mealand proceeded to dump her plate all over herself, her high chair, my once lovely porcelain tilefloor, everything. Now, this is not unique, but what made it unique is that I had been watchingher very closely, anticipating the food-dumpage, and just before she started to tip that plate Isaid, very calmly, “Emma . . . “ And don’t you know, that little . . . starter-human . . . looked mesquare in the eye . . . scowled—this is a toddler, mind you—scowled at me . . . and then dumpedher plate.

Now, it has long been established that my parents are insane. We don’t have this merely onanecdotal evidence, this is clinical. There are files. The people are batcrap crazy. But as I’m onmy hands and knees, cleaning up yet another intentional Gerber Graduates spill, it occurs to methat sometime, way back—long before the “I don’t want a funeral” phone calls—it occurs to methat my parents may well have been perfectly sane people, and it was having to deal withunrepentant, food-dumping children that made them nutso. I’m telling you . . . hit me like afridge. I am what made them crazy. I brought the plague upon Thebes.

JEFFThat is hardcore. So, let me ask you . . .

DEBRAEMMA, DON’T YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT IT, I WILL DESTROY EVERYTHING YOU LOVE!

You had a question?

JEFFI’m good.

DEBRAThe thing I’m struggling with now . . . I never thought of myself as a violent person, but there aremoments— And, look, I know the arguments. I know that spanking will only produce fear andaggression . . . yup . . . got all that . . . but I don’t want to raise an asshole either. I don’t want tobe responsible for some feral brat that nobody wants to be around.

And I try to be patient, I try to employ reason, but I don’t even think reason has a place here.You can’t negotiate with a chimp, and . . . sorry, creationists . . . if you really need evidence of

where we came from, hop on over to my place at bedtime ‘cause it is chimp central over there.

So, okay, I can’t use reason, can’t negotiate . . . what tools do I have left? I have yelling and Ihave hitting. But I can’t actually hit without child services and Fox 25 getting all up in my grill,which leaves me yelling, and the books have already told me that if I’m yelling I might as wellbe hitting because it’s just as bad if not worse. So I’m at a loss.

JEFF(Offering a cracker.) Goldfish?

DEBRAThose are number two on Time’s list of Kid Foods to Avoid.

JEFFOh.

DEBRAAh, who gives a fuck.

She takes the cracker and eats it.

JEFFThing that gets me . . . you can’t hit your kid, but if someone else did, probably wouldn’t be thatbig a deal.

DEBRAHow do you mean?

JEFFWell, if you hit your kid, the state can swoop in, take her away, no questions asked. Someoneelse does it, you just don’t press charges.

Silence.

DEBRADo you really think that would work?

You don’t work for law enforcement or child services or Fox 25, do you?

JEFFLook, I’m just talking . . . you couldn’t actually . . .

Well . . .

No, because . . . the thing is . . .

Unless . . .

No, see, you don’t really want someone hitting your kid. What you wanna do—

DEBRAEMMA LYNN REISBACH!

DEBRA JEFFTHAT IS NOT OKAY! THAT IS NOT OKAY! YOU

APOLOGIZE TO THAT BOY RIGHT NOW!APOLOGIZE THIS INSTANT OR OUR TV’S

GOING IN THE TRASH! I DON’T CARE WHAT HE

DID, YOU DON’T HIT! YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU

JUST LOST THE DISNEY STORE! YOU HEAR

ME? NO DISNEY!

RYAN, HANDS ON YOUR OWN BODY! DO WE

NEED TO GO HOME? DON’T GIVE ME THAT

LOOK, YOU GRABBED IT FROM HER! YES YOU

DID, I SAW YOU DO IT. DON’T ARGUE WITH ME,RYAN. ARE YOU TRYING TO LOSE PAPA

GINO’S? ONE . . . TWO . . . DON’T YOU TEST

ME!

Silence.

DEBRARemember having conversations that weren’t interrupted by screams or injuries?

JEFFRemember going to restaurants that didn’t have the words “nugget” or “finger” on the menu?

DEBRARemember going to movies that featured nary a talking guinea pig?

JEFFShouldn’t talk like this.

DEBRAI know.

JEFFI like being a dad.

DEBRAI like being a mom.

JEFFIt’s just . . .

DEBRAYeah.

JEFF DEBRARYAN!! EMMA!!

DEBRAAnd that about does it.

DEBRA starts to gather her things. She takes a small notepad and pen from her purse.She writes as she talks.

I’m going to write down some information and then I’m going to walk away. We haveGymboree every Tuesday at ten. Gymboree never goes well. If someone were to . . . I don’tknow . . . appear and . . . correct my child . . . I think I’d be okay with that.

She tears off a piece of paper and leaves it on the bench.

Maybe I’ll see you there.

EMMA, YOU CAN STAY IF YOU WANT, BUT I’M LEAVING.

DEBRA exits. JEFF looks at the paper. As he watches his child play, he pockets thepaper.