still learning yet
TRANSCRIPT
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STILLLEARNINGYET:
AMemoirofPowerlessnessandAwakening
BySaraRedpath
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StillLearningYetChapter1:Bottom 2
Beforecrossingtheborder,IstoppedatthePeaceBridgeduty-freestoreandbought
thelargestbottleofvodkaIcouldfindandatouristt-shirtwithastylizedmapleleafonit.I
hadgrownlessandlessfondofCanadaoverthecourseofthewinterthatIlivedinOntario,
butsuddenlyaburstofnostalgiamademethinkIwouldmissitonceIwasgoneandIhad
therareforesighttograbamementowhileIcould.
Idontrememberhow,orevenif,Imadetheeighthourtripsouthwithoutstopping
foradrink.WhenIarrivedinPeapackitwasdark,late.Mymomwasupwaitingforme.It
washerfiftiethbirthday.Ibroughtthenecessarybagsinside,saidgoodnighttoherandmy
step-fatherLou,shutmyselfinmybedroom,phonedAndytolethimknowIgotinsafely,
andtookalong,well-deservedswigofvodka.Idrankmoreandcriedmoreand,exhausted,
finallyfellasleep.
Iwallowedthefirstcoupleofdays,flippingthroughphotos,rereadingoldletters
andcradlingpreciousgifts,takingsipsofboozetohelpdullthepain.However,itdidnt
takelongforMomtogetonmycaseaboutthedrinking,advisingmeitwasthesourceof
allmyproblems,thattherewasnoplaceforitinherhouse,andthatI,therefore,neededto
quit.IdecidedtostopthatweekendbothtoappeaseherandbecauseIknewshewasright.
QuittingwastheonlywayIwasgoingtomoveforward,eitherbystartinganewlifeor
eventuallygettingbacktogetherwithAndy.Ihidtheremainingboozedeepinmycloset,so
Iwouldntbetempted,andsteeledmyselfagainsttheagonytocome.
ThefirstmorningandafternoonIwasviolentlyill.Afterrepeatedtripstothe
bathroom,therewasnothingleftinmystomachbutacidandIwasshakingandchilled.I
knewthisfeelingwell.ItwasntthefirsttimeIhadgonethroughwithdrawal.Itooksome
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clonazepamthatIhadbeenprescribedforanxietyattacks,whichhelpedalittle,notas
muchasValiumortheLibriumIhadbeengivenatdetoxinVirginia,butittooktheedgeoff.
OnSaturday,MomandLouwerehostingapartyforherbirthdayandthehousewas
filledwithalltheirfriends,whoofcourseknewIwasbackintown,soIhadtomakean
appearanceinspiteofmycondition.Theymilledaround,drinkingbeerandwinefroma
largesupplyMomhadlaidinfortheoccasion.ItriednottolookashorridasIfelt.Afew
familyfriendsstruckupconversationandaskedhowIwasdoing.Iexplainedhow
devastatedIwasbymyseparationandhowlifehadgottenalittleoutofcontrol,butthatI
wastryingtoturnitaround.IeventoldafewpeopleabouthowIwassoberingupcold-
turkey,whichwasmakingmereallyill,astheycouldplainlysee.Ididntthinkabouthow
strangethismightsoundtothesenormal,moderatedrinkers.Iwasjustlookingforalittle
sympathy,realorfeigned.
Myfamilydentist,whowasanoldfriendofmymoms,wasattheparty.Hehad
caredformyteethsinceIhadteethandprobablyoutofloyaltytomymomandperhapsa
littlepityforme,mentionedthatheneededanewreceptionistandsaidIshouldgetin
touchwhenIfeltbetter.Igotthroughtheremainderoftheeveningandtheweekend.I
wascommittedtostartingover.WhenIphonedAndytotellhimaboutmynewresolvehe
seemedhappyforme,indicatingthiswasjustwhathehopedwouldhappenbysendingme
backtomyfolks.
Thenextweek,feelingalittlelessnauseated,Igotintouchwithmydentistand
securedmyfirstofficialpost-collegejob.Hegavemeinstructionsonwhatwasrequiredfor
bookingappointmentsandIstartedfieldingcallsandgreetingpatientslikeapro.Every
day,IcounteddownthehoursfeelingvictoriousforeachoneIgotthroughwithoutadrink.
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Mymomwasanenthusiasticsupporter.Wecelebratedmymakingitthroughaweek.My
bosstookmeoutforalunchandIthinkevenhewasproudofmynewbeginning.
Butthenathoughtcreptin.IfIhaditoutofmysystemforlongenough,Imightbe
abletostartagainwithjustabeer,justonelittledrinkonceinawhile.ItbecameallIcould
thinkaboutuntiloneday,maybewhatwouldhavebeenmytenth,theobsessionwonandI
relented.IrationalizeditasalwaysIwasworking,Ideservedadrinkafteralonghard
dayandalongcommute.Ideservedtohavesomethingtolookforwardtowhentherestof
mylifewasstillsoempty.IknewIcouldnthandletoomuchbutIconvincedmyselfI
wouldbeabletocontrolitbetterthistime.Alllies.Ialwaysdrankonalie.
Whenwhatwouldhavebeenfourteendayscamearound,Momcongratulatedme
again.Iplayeditdown,lyingthroughmyteeththatIwasstillabstaining.Ihadstarted
withacoupleofbeersfromthehugecoolerofpartyleftoversinthebasement.ThenI
brokedownandboughtasmallbottleofvodkaandsomebeertoreplacetheonesI
borrowed.IfiguredifthebottlewassmallIwouldrationitbetter.Itdidntstrikemeas
oddthatIhadtotryandrationmyalcoholintakeorthatIattemptedtotrickmyselfinto
drinkingless.SoonIstartedtakinganipinthemorningbeforegoinginforworktohelp
withmyhangoverandshakiness.ThenIboughtanother,largerbottle
Iknewthereceptionistjobwouldonlybetemporary.Itwasafairlylongcommute
inmiserableJerseytrafficandonlypaidabasicwage.Iusedsomeofmytimethere
researchingotheropportunities.Mymomtoldmethatoneofhercyclingfriendswas
openingabakerydownthestreetfromourhouseinalittlerowofshopsthatcomprised
thedowntowncoreofPeapack.Iwentinandinquiredaboutajobasacashier.Theowner
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hiredmeandIbeganmytrainingthere.Igavemydentistmynoticebuthedidntseem
heartbroken.Funnilyenough,healreadyhadsomeonelineduptotakemyplace.
LiketheBostonrestaurantjobseveralyearsearlier,Ibeganatthebakerynotwith
theglamourofservingcustomers,butbycleaningtheglassdisplaycasesandlearning
aboutthefancypastriesandcakeswithnameslikegianduja.Itwasasweetlittle
storefront.TheownerhadtrainedinFranceandshehadrenovatedthespacetolooklikea
classicParisianpatisseriewithblackandwhitecheckeredtiles,pinkcakeboxesand
wroughtironcaftables.Iwasexcitedaboutthenewjob,nottomentiontheavailabilityof
freeordiscountedpastries,butcontinuedtolookforamorepromisingandpermanent
careeropportunity.
Icontactedatempagencyspecializinginlegalwork.Theyseemedinterestedinme.
IhadaninterviewwiththeirrecruiterandthenaninterviewwithafirmwhereIwastobe
placedasatemp-to-permlegalassistant.Itwouldbemoremoneyandasomewhathigher
titlethanIhadachievedatanyofthefirmswhereIhadworkedsummersduringcollege.It
wasabouttimeIwasmovingupintheworld,Ithought.Althoughshehadyettoevenopen
thedoors,IwarnedthepastryshopownerthatIwouldonlybeavailableparttime,
possiblyonweekends,asIdbestartingmyrealjobsoon.Sherelegatedmetoon-call
shiftsonlyandsaidtheywouldphonewhenandiftheywantedmyhelp.However,assoon
asIhadmadethedecision,IwasalittlesorryIhadntarrangedthingstheotherway
around.
DuringthecourseoftrainingatthebakeryIhadtalkedalittletotheotherstaff,
someofwhomwerecommutingallthewayfromNewYorktobeabletointernthere.They
madeitsoundlikeIwasgivingupwhatwas,tothematleast,aparticularlydesirable
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opportunityworkingunderaFrench-trainedpastrychef.Infact,runningorowningthat
typeofbusinesswassomethingIcouldseemyselfenjoyingsomeday.Ihadevenlikedthe
ideaofbakingpiesandsellingthemtolocalcafes,likemymomhaddoneforsparecash
whenwewerekids.IthadappearedonalistofpotentialcareersthatIhadmadeduringa
half-heartedattempttofigureoutwhatIwantedtodowithmylifewhileIwasstillin
Kitchener.ButtherewasalwaysacompromiseIwasntwillingtomakewhenitcameto
findingatruevocation.Inthiscase,Imighthavelikedworkingforasmallbusiness,maybe
eveneventuallygettingthechancetolearnsomeprofessionalbaking,butitwasalso
difficultanddirtyworkandwouldneverpaymewhatIthoughtIwasworth.By
comparison,Iwasexpectingtoearnasubstantialwageattheofficejob,whichwould
hopefullyhelptopayforthenewshoesIhadpurchasedheelswererequiredand
eventuallyallowmetomoveoutonmyown.
Alcoholhasabizarreeffectontime.Itshortensandlengthensandblursminutes
andhours,andsomeiterasesaltogether.Ilostdays.Idontrememberexactlyhowmany
timesafterImovedbacktoNewJerseythatIattemptedtoquitdrinkingandwentthrough
allthewithdrawalsymptomsonlytofindmyselfdrunkagainaftertwoorthreedays.The
timeIspentattemptingnottodrinkalwaysseemedlongerthanthetimeIspentdrunk
eventhoughitwas,ofcourse,theotherwayaround.BetweenthedaysIspentwasted,
blackedoutorpassedout,andthoseIspentwithmyheadhungoverthetoiletorshaking
inbed,entireweeksseemedtovanish.IknowIwasdrinkingagainbythetimeIleftthe
dentistsjob.IhadntevenmadeittwoweeksandthatwasthelongeststretchIhad
managedinnearlyayear.
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QuicklyIfellintotheroutineoffrequentingdifferentliquorstores.Itriednottogo
tothesamestoretwodaysinarow,lestsomeonethererecognizeandjudgemeforthe
quantityofvodkaandwineIwasbuyingorthefrequencyofmyvisits.Therewasa
strategytomypurchasesaswellItriedtobuyasmuchandascheaplyasIcould,of
course,butwithouttheappearancethatIwasstockingabar,throwinghugepartiesona
nightlybasis,orasseriouslyalcoholicasIactuallywas.Tocomplicatematters,Ihadto
sneakanypurchasesintothehouse,whichwasntanissueifIgothomebeforeMomorLou,
butwastrickytodisguiseotherwise.SometimesIstoppedatthecommutertrainstation
parkinglotonmywayhomeforseveralswigsincaseIcouldntgetthebottleintomyroom
rightaway.Ialsostartedcarryingalargerpurse.
MyneedsweresimpleIhadtohaveenoughtolastatleastoneday,overnight,and
forthenextmorning,butIusuallywantedenoughforacoupleofdaysjustincaseIwasnt
feelingwellenoughtoventureoutandsoImightnothavetogothroughthisshopping
ordealdaily.IfIcalculatedpoorlyandranout,mymomstillhadthestashofbeerandwine
fromherparty.Ioftenendedupsneakingdowntothebasementinthemiddleofthenight
aftershewenttobed,clingingtothehandrailtoavoidslidingdownthecarpetedstepsin
mystupor.Idstandinfrontofthecooleranddebateaboutwhetheritwasbettertoonly
takeonebottle,hopingandpretendingIwouldntneedanotherlater,ortojustgoahead
andtaketwoorthreesoIwouldnthavetoattempttheheistforasecondtimeinthesame
evening.MultipletimesIreplenishedthatsupplysoshewouldntrealizeIwastaking
anything.
Ofcourse,therewasalsothematterofdisposingtheempties.Ifmytimingwas
good,Icouldsometimessneakthemintothebottomofourrecyclingbin,coveringthemup
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withsodacansandmilkjugsjustbeforepickupwithoutMomorLounoticing.Otherwise,I
hadseveralpublicgarbagecansonacircuitthatIwoulddumpbagsofemptiesin,butonly
atnight.OnceacarpulledintotheparkinglotjustasIwasleavingsomeinacanoutsidea
drugstoreinBernardsville.Ineverwentbacktothatstore.Iwaslegitimatelynervous
aboutdrivingaroundwithabagofemptyboozebottlesinthecar,especiallygivenIwas
nearlyalwaysdrivingdrunk.Somewhatmorebizarrely,Ialsofeltguiltyaboutthrowing
perfectlyrecyclablebottlesintotheregulartrash.SometimesIdaccumulatehalfadozen
ormoreemptyjugsinmyclosetbeforeIcouldgetthemouttoasafegarbagecan.Ialso
hadpartialbottleshiddenallaroundmyroomunderthemattress,behindthebed,inthe
closet,inmynightstandandotherdresserdrawers.Itwasdifficulttokeeptrackand
sometimesIwoulddiscoverabottlewithboozeinitthatIhadforgottenwhichwaslike
findingrealtreasure.
Justthepurchasing,consumptionanddisposalwereanexhaustingroutine.Then
therewerethehangovers,thefeelingofbeingconstantlysick,jittery,weak.Iwas
occasionallypleasantlybuzzedandsometimeshappilyobliterated,butmostofthetimeI
wasjustplaindrunk,protestingtomymomthatIwasntasIleanedonwallstokeepfrom
fallingover,deludingmyselfthatshecouldnttell.Iwasadaily,blackout,fall-down
drinker,andIstillbelievedthatitwasmylittlesecret.IstillthoughtIcouldgetitunder
control.
IknowItriedtoquitagainwhenIstartedatthebakeryandwasinterviewingforthe
legalposition.Ibeganworkingatwhatwasmythirdjobintwomonthswithagroupof
legalassistantswhohadbeenhiredsimultaneously.ItwasbyfarthemostformalfirmI
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hadworkedfor;theyhadpagesofrulesrangingfromthedresscodetosecuritymeasures.
WeweregivenkeycardsforgettingintothedifferentsectionsofthefirmandIsuspected
theycouldtracemyeverymovementduringthedayiftheywanted.Iwasassignedtotwo
ofthemoreseniorparalegalassistantsformyorientationandtheytookmeoutfora
workinglunchoneafternoonasawelcominggesture.AllIcouldthinkaboutatthatlunch
washowmuchniceritwouldhavebeenwithaglassofwine,butthatwasfrownedupon.
Ihadbegunwithsuchhighhopesforanewstart,thechancetoreinventmyself.I
broughtinafewaccessoriesformydeskasIdseenother,permanentstaffdoatother
offices,butIstillfelttransient,likeIwouldntbetherelong.Iattemptedonoccasionto
makeconversationwiththegirlswhohadmentoredmeforthefirstweek,butoncetheir
officialwelcomingresponsibilitieswerethroughtheybegantoignoreme.Itseemedno
onewantedtolistentomelamentaboutmyshort-termmarriage.Iwasstillthesame
scared,lonelygirlwhofeltincapableandunworthyofinitiatingafriendship.
Myfirstassignmentafterorientationwasdataverification.Itwasboringwork,
reallyboring.Itdidnttakelongformetostartspendingmydaysfantasizingabouthow
niceandrelaxingadrinkwouldbewhenIgothome.Afterlessthanaweekonthejob,I
wentbacktooneofmyregularliquorstores.Thecashiercommentedthathehadntseen
meinalittlewhileand,attemptingtosoundlighthearted,IrepliedthatIhadtriedtoquit
drinking.Ipaidformypurchases,almostapologizingforthebusinessmybriefattemptat
sobrietyhadcosthim.
WitheverybattletostopdrinkingthatIfoughtandlost,Ifeltmorehumiliated.I
oftenstartedwithahalforpint-sizebottle,smallenoughtohideinmypurse,smallenough
thatImightbeabletorationitandforcemyselftodrinklessbyhavinglessavailableto
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drink.Invariably,IwouldendupinMomssupplybeforeIrealizedthefollyofmyideaand
wentbacktothevalue-sizebottles.Likewise,IwouldbeginbydrinkingatnightwhenIgot
home,butwithindaysIwouldneedadrinkinthemorningtosettlemynervesand
stomach.SoonIwasgoingintoworkalreadybuzzed.
Betweentheboredomofmyworkandmyslightandconstantinebriation,Iwas
usuallyhalfasleepallmorning,strugglingtokeepmyeyesopenandmyhandsonthe
keyboard,attemptingtoappearproductive.Mygrandfatherlivedabouttenminutesfrom
theofficeandheinvitedmeoverforlunchoneday.Irealizedwhatagoodarrangementit
couldbe,asIcouldsneakinafewdrinksathisplaceandthenreturnforworkinthe
afternoon.MorethanonceIwentoverthere,exhaustedfromtheroutineanditsemotional
tollonmeand,probablymorethanalittleintoxicated,Ifellasleepinthesparebedroom.
OnceItookatwo-hourlunchnap.WhenIreturnedmyparalegalsupervisor,who
wasaboutsevenmonthspregnant,waschattingwithsomeofthegirls,showingthem
photosofherbabyshowerorsomething.SheaskedwhereIhadbeenandIrepliedIwasnt
feelingwell,soIhadtakenabreak,nodifferentIthoughtfromtheoneshewastakingby
passingaroundherphotos.Laterthatdayorthatweek,timebeingelusiveatthispoint,I
wascalledintohersupervisortoanswerformyworkethicwhichwasmorethanalittle
lacking.IgaveasnarkyreplyabouthowthebreaksIwastakingmightnotbeasinteresting
tomycolleaguesasthetimemysupervisorspentdiscussingherbaby-to-be,butthatIwas
dealingwithmyownhealthissues.
Thatweekend,orearlythefollowingweek,Igotaphonecallfrommycontactatthe
tempagency,whichwasstilltechnicallymyemployer.SheaskedifIhadbeengoingto
workdrunk.Ilied.Sherehashedthedetailsofmyinsolenceoverthephotoepisodeand
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confirmedthatIwouldnotbewelcomebackatthelawfirmduetomydrinkingandpoor
performance.Theywouldshipmemypersonalbelongings,mykeycardwasdeactivated,
andIwasnotpermittedbackonthepremises.Iwasdisproportionatelyshockedand
outraged,mostlyformymomsbenefit,whoinstantlyaccusedmeoflosingthejobbecause
ofmydrinking,whichI,ofcourse,denied.
IrelayedmyvictimizationtoAndyoverthephonethatnight.Wewerestilltalking
onanalmostnightlybasisashekeptmecompanywhileIconsumedenoughalcoholtofall
asleep.SometimesMomwouldletherselfintomyroomduringoneoftheseconversations
andIwouldhavetoswiftlydropthebottleinthespacebetweenthebedandwallsoshe
wouldntcatchme.Wehadwoodfloorsandtheglassbottlesusuallymadealoudthumpas
IletgoandtriedtopretendlikeIwasntdoinganythingwrong.Thinkingaboutitnow,it
wasprobablylessthandiscreet.
Occasionally,Iwasnotquickenoughandshewouldseizethebottle,confiscatingit
fordisposal.Tomethiswasliketakingawayoxygenshedidntseemtounderstandhow
desperatelyIneededthealcoholinmysystemandtheconsequencesthenextmorningifI
didnthavesomewithwhichtostartmyday.Ibeganbarricadingmybedroomdoorto
keepherout,firstbyproppingawickerchairundertheknob,whichwasntveryeffective,
thenbyslidingheavierfurnitureinfrontofit.Shewouldshoutatmefromthehalland
indignant,Iwouldlaughitofforsimplyignoreher.Icouldnotunderstandwhatshewasso
pissedaboutIwastheonewhowasunemployed,separatedfrommyhusband,backliving
withmyparents,friendless,nearlybroke,andalone.IdrankbecauseIcouldntnotdrink
andIwastheonewhohadtodealwiththecraving,purchasing,consuming,ensuing
hangovers,disposal,remorse,andoverwhelmingsenseoffailurewhentimeandagainI
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wouldattempttoquitandfail.Iwastheonlyonewhodeservedtobeangryor
disappointed,Ithought,butIwouldhaveafewdrinksandforcemyselftogetpastit.I
figuredsheshouldbeabletodothesame.
Ifeltsodefeatedafterthislatestjobloss,soverysorryformyself.Ialsohadntbeen
calledintoworkforthebakeryinweeks,sothatjobwasnon-existent,officiallyor
otherwise.AllIhadleftwasAndyandthehopethatbyturningoveranewleafwemightbe
abletogetbacktogether.AsbleakasKitchenerhadbeenwhenIleft,NewJerseywas
rapidlybecomingworse.OnthephoneIpromisedIwasdoingbetter.Ipledwithhimto
seemyprogressforhimselfbymeetingmeforaweekendinupstateNewYork.Itwouldbe
justlikewhenwewerefirstdatinglong-distance,meetinginSyracuseforromantic
rendezvous.Iwasconvincedhewouldwelcomemebackwithopenarms.
Timelinesarefuzzyandmemoriessparse.MostofwhatIknowaboutthisperiod
IvebeentoldafterthefactasalotofthetimeIwasinablackout.Forthesakeofthis
narrative,ImattemptingtosticktoonlywhatIactuallyrememberatthispoint.
Unfortunatelyforstory-telling,thatisntmuch.Imreasonablypositivethatinthe
sequenceofevents,IlostmyjobbeforegoingtoseeAndy.IbelievethiswaslateMay,butit
mighthavebeenearlyJune.IknowIsatinself-pityforseveraldaysafterthefatefulphone
call,waitingforasadlittleboxwithacoupleofmugs,aboxoftissuesandaplanttobe
shippedtome.ThenImayhavetriedtostopdrinkingagain,oratleastcutbackbeforemy
bigweekendtripwhenIwouldprovetoAndythatIhadreformed.
WemetinBinghamton.Hehadbookedahotelroominanold,characterhotel
downtown.Ithoughthewouldbesoexcitedtoseemeagainhedtakemebackonthespot.
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Ibroughtacoupleofmickeysofvodka,hiddeninadeeppocketinmysuitcase,tohelp
quietmyanxietyovertheemotionalreunionandforanyotheremergencymoments.I
reallyhadeveryintentionofbeinggood,however.Wecheckedin.Hehadbroughta
couplebottlesofthewinewehadmadeattheU-BrewinKitchener.Itwasalousyredbut
Ihadgottenusedtothetasteofcheapbuteffectivespirits.Afterrelaxingforabit,hewent
inthebathroomtocleanupfordinnerand,gratefulthatallwasgoingwell,Isnuckasip
frommystash.Hetookmeouttoanicerestaurantandwehadwhatmighthavebeena
lovelymeal.IknowwehaddrinksbutIdontrecallitbeingexcessive.However,between
thewine,myearlierfurtivesippingandpossiblytheanti-anxietymedsIwason,Ifeltmore
drunkthanusual.Itwasstrange-sometimesIcoulddrinkallnightanditwasntenough
formetopassout,andsometimesIwouldhardlyhaveanyandbeoutforthecount.
AttheendofthemealIneededtogetupandusethebathroomtopurgesomeofthe
foodandalcohol,whichwouldhopefullyrefreshmesowecouldenjoytherestofthenight.
IwasunsureofhowsteadyIwouldbeonmyfeetsoImumbledsomethingaboutnot
knowingwheretherestroomswereasanexcuseandaskedAndytoescortme.Iwasinthe
bathroomforalongtime,hopingIcouldgetmybearings,catchanotherwind.Iguesshe
gotworriedandsentawaitressintocheckonme.IsaidIwasfine,Idbeoutsoonandhe
couldgositdown.AlongwhileafterthatImademywaybacktothetable,tryingtoavoid
weavingintootherdiners.Iwasalittledrunk,buthopefullynooneelsenoticed.Thatwas
theendofourniceromanticevening.AfterAndypaid,IinsistedIwasnttiredorreadyto
gobacktotheroomyet.TherewerebarsacrossthestreetandIsuggestedwegointoone,
haveadrink,listentosomemusic.Welinedupatone,thebouncerlookedatus,lookedat
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meobviously,andrefusedusentry.IwasshockedandreadytoputupafightwhenAndy
grabbedmeandsteeredmebacktothehotel.
Idontrememberifitwaslaterthatnightorearlythenextmorning,butAndybegan
theconversation,sayinghecouldntdothisanymore.Hecouldntbewithme,couldnt
watchmeslowlydying.HesaidhehadhopedImighthaveimprovedsinceleavinghim,but
itappearedIwasevenworse.Idisagreed.Iwascertainlytryingtobebetter,ifonlyhe
couldseehowmuchIwantedtobesoberandeverythingIhadtriedinthelasttwomonths!
Hegavemebackmyengagementring.Ihadaskedhimtobringitthinkinghemightputit
onmyfingerasaromanticgestureofreunification,butwhenhehandedittome,itwas
morelikeapartinggift.Ishedsometears,butdidntargue.ThiswasnotthefantasyIhad
imagined.Inspiteofmyalcohol-inducednumbness,Icouldtellhewasseriousandthis
wastheendofus.
Thatnightwebarelyslept.Thebarsthatwehadnotgottenintoletoutaroundtwo
orthreeinthemorningandtherewasagreatdealofshoutinginthestreets.Iwasnt
sleepingmuchanywaywithoutsomeseriousself-medication.Andygotupinthemorning,
gavemeabottleofourwinetotakebackwithme,andwesaidtearfulgoodbyes.Iwas
stillprettytiredanddrunk.Icouldbarelygetmyheadoffthepilloworkeepmyeyesopen
soItoldhimthatIdphonethefrontdeskforalatecheckout.Ijustwantedalittlemore
sleepbeforedriving.IphoneddownandsaidIwasntfeelingwellandwouldliketostaya
bitlonger,butIdprobablybeoutbytwooclockifthatwasokaywiththem.Theysaid
sure,fine.IdranktherestofmyvodkastashafterAndyleftandpassedout.Aroundtwo,
stilldepressed,somewhatdrunkandreallytoooutofittodrive,Iphonedandaskedfora
fiveoclockcheckout.EarlythateveningIfinallybidfarewelltotheroomwhereAndyandI
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hadsharedwhatIassumedwouldbeourlastnighttogether,andmademywaybackto
NewJersey.
Mydownwardspiralprogressedrapidlyafterthatweekend.Ispentthenextfew
days,possiblyevenaweekmourningthelossofmyjob,myhusband,myfuture.Iwas
drinkingprettymuchconstantly.Imayhaveattemptedtoquitagain,butevencuttingback
leftmeviolentlyill.IrationedmyclonazepamandacoupleofpreciousValiumtodealwith
theworstoftheshakingandretching.Duringoneparticularlybadepisode,Istarted
hallucinatingandrecalltheimageofahuddleofmeanlookingfootballplayerswatchingme
fromtheendofmybed.
EvenifIdidmanagetogetpartiallyorcompletelythroughtheworstofthe
withdrawal,Isomehowalwayswoundupdrinkingagainwithinacoupleofdays.Iwould
thinkaboutdrinkingconstantly.Icouldseethebeerbottlesinthecoolerinthebasement
andfeltthemcallingtome.Icouldvirtuallyhearthesoundofthesealbreakingonanew
bottleofvodkaandfeeltheinstantwarmthandcomfortthatwouldfollowfromthefirst
drink.Ithoughtaboutthealcoholuntilitalmostmagicallymanifestedinmyhands.I
couldntseemtokeepfromgoingbacktothatbottlenomatterhowferventlyIhadjust
swornIwasfinished,nomatterhowagonizingthelastdrunkandthelastattemptat
quittinghadbeen.IhatedmyselfandIwasstartingtohatethebooze,too.Ihatedthetaste
ofitandtheburnonmythroat,rawfromheaving.Ikeptorangejuiceorsodabymybed
forachaser,butitwasntreallyenoughtogetthetasteoutofmymouth.Beforeeachgulp,
Iwouldtakethecapoffabottleandstareatitforagoodlongminute,wishingIdidnthave
toswallow,butIdidntseemtohaveachoice.
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Mymombecamestillmoreintolerantandonmorethanoneoccasion,whenIwasnt
quickenoughathidingabottle,sheprieditfrommeandpoureditdownthekitchensink.
Atonepoint,Ichasedafterher,tryingtograbitback,flailingatherinanger,andLouhadto
physicallyrestrainme.Theynotonlytookawaymykeys,butdisabledmycartokeepme
fromdrivingtotheliquorstore.OneafternoonwhentheywereoutIstartedwalkingthe
halfmileorsobetweenourhouseandthelittleliquorstorenexttothebakeryintown.I
madeitaboutablockdowntheroadandsomeguydrivingbymusthaveseenmyunsteady
gaitontheshoulder,tookpityonmeandofferedmealift.Ididntgivemuchthoughttothe
dangerofbeingpickedupbyacompletestranger,Iwasjustgratefulfortheride.Itwasan
unusuallywarmdayandIwassweatyandshakyanddesperatelyinneedofrelief.Isnuck
inandoutofthestorehopingnooneatthebakeryhadseenme,andinstantlyfeltbetter
justhavingthebottleinmypossession.Justtryandstopme,Ithought.IfIcantstopme,
theycertainlycant!Istrodevictoriouslybackhome,bottletuckedsafelyinmypurse.
Istartedkeepingarolloftoiletpapertuckedbetweenmybedandthewall.Iwas
lessandlessfrequentlyabletomakethetriptothebathroom,locatedjustnexttomy
bedroom,whenIneededtopeeorthrowupsoIimprovised,puttingwadsoftoiletpaperin
thegarbagecanbesidemybedtoabsorbthefluids.Ioftenwentnearlyaweekatatime
withoutshoweringbecauseIcouldntstanduprightforasufficientlylongperiodand
becauseIdidntreallycare.Amonthorsoearlieratmylastappointmentwitha
psychiatrist,theonlyonewhowouldseemeatareasonablerategivenmypresent
uninsuredcircumstances,heaskedifIhadbeendrinking.WhenIdeniedit,incredulously,
feelingcertainIhadconsumedenoughbreathstripstohideanyscent,hesaidhecould
smellitcomingoutmypores.NowevenIcouldsmellit,asouracidicscent,onmyhands,
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arms,probablycomingouteverypore,justlikehehadsaid.Somuchforthe
inconspicuousnessofvodka.Iwasdisgustedwithmyselfanddrankevermorehopingto
obliterateallfeelings,especiallythoseofself-loathing.
NolongerabletohavemynightlyphoneconversationswithAndy,Istarteddialing
anyoneIthoughtmightlisten.Ididntcallmyex-bestfriend,whohatedmeandmy
drinkingalmostasmuchasIdid,butIdidphoneherfatheronenightatsomeungodlyhour
tocryaboutmyimpendingdivorce.Anothernight,aroundelevenoclock,IcalledCharlie,a
formerloverfrommyBostondays,athishouse.Ihadcarefullyresearchedhisaddressand
homephonenumberinoneofmymorelucidmoments,buthadpromisedmyselfIwould
neveruseitexceptinanemergency.Mycurrentsituationseemedtoqualify.Fortunately
heansweredinsteadofhiswife,buthesoundedshocked,concerned,andpossiblyalittle
angrynotreallyinthemoodforalongsympatheticconversationaboutthedemiseofmy
short-livedmarriageandmygeneralhopelessstate,norexactlyeagertorenewour
relationship.Iwasrunningoutofpeople.
Thentherewasmygrandfather.Hehadalwaysbeensympathetic,infacthad
offeredmeanopeninvitetohishousewhereIcouldstaywithhimforatimeifIwas
havingtroubleathome.PreviouslyIhadavoidedsayingyesorno.Somewhereintheback
ofmyminditjustdidntfeelright,althoughthathadnotstoppedmefromusinghisguest
roomtosleepoffmyhangoverswhileIhadbeenworking.However,Istartedtoconsiderit
asanoptionbeingasthesituationwithmymomwasbecomingmoreintolerableandI
knewthatwithhimIcoulddrinkasmuchasIwanted.
Originallyasocialdrinker,anoenophileinfact,hehad,overtheyears,begun
drinkingmoreheavilyhimself,althoughheseemedtokeepitconfinedtotheevening
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hours.AyearearlierhehadconsumedtoomuchCanadianClubwhileouttodinnerand
hadplowedhiscarheadlongintoanoncomingvehicle.Fortunatelynoonewasbadlyhurt,
buthiscarhadbeentotaledandheendedupintheemergencyroom.MomandLouwere
awaythatweekendandIwastheonewhogotthecallandhadtosignhimoutofpolice
custodyatthehospital.Ihaddriventheredrunk.
Havinglosthislicenseafterthatincident,Mompickedhimupathishouseone
eveningaftermytriptoBinghamtonandbroughthimbacktoourplacefordinner.I
emergedfrommyroom,stabilizedwithenoughliquorthatIwasntshaky,butnotsomuch
Iwouldbefallingoverdrunkatdinnerhopefully.Itwasadelicatebalance.Hesatonthe
couchhavinghisregularglassofCContherocksandIjoinedhim,hopingtoelicitsomepity
formymostrecentandtragicencounterwithAndyand,withanyluck,asiportwoofhis
whiskey.Ibeganbemoaningmyfateasatwenty-threeyearolddivorcee.Hemotioned
thatIshouldmovenexttohimifIwantedtosneakasipwithoutMomnoticing.Ididand
saidthanks,andmentionedthatImighteventakehimuponhisoffertocomeupandstay
withhimforawhile.Heseemedhappyaboutthisandturnedtogivemeakiss,thoughit
landedonmylipsratherthanmycheek.Thenhegavemeanother,moreintimatekiss,and
begantouchingme.BeforeIknewit,hewaskissingme,andnotlikeagrandfather.I
snappedbackwhenIrealizedwhatwashappeningandmovedaway.Ifeltarushof
emotions,mostlyguiltasthoughsomehowincravingthatsipIhadputmyselfinaposition
ofinvitinghisbehavior,andshameforallowingitforeventhatbriefamoment.Moreover,
forthefirsttimeIfeltthedarkandunequivocaltruthwhichwasthatIwascapableofdoing
anythingforadrink.
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IwascooltowardhimatdinnerandlaterMomaskedmewhy.WhenItookher
asideandexplainedwhathadhappenedwhileshehadbeeninthekitchen,herfirst
questionwaswhetherIhadbeendrinking.Sheclaimedtobelievemystory,evenifIwasa
littleinebriated,butdidntdoanythingaboutit,atleasttomysatisfaction.WhenIlater
askedifshehadtalkedtohimaboutitontheirdrivebacktohisplace,shesaidheclaimedI
wasequallyresponsible.HesaidhewassorrybutthatIshouldbe,too.Althoughutterly
wrong,itonlyconfirmedmysenseofself-loathingatthetime.Iwithdrewfurtherintomy
worldofremorse,guilt,shame,andself-pity.Iwithdrewintothebottle.
IspentmywakinghoursgoingoverinmymindallthewaysinwhichIhadbeen
hurt,slightedorotherwisevictimized.Imadelists,scrawledindrunkenpenmanship,ofall
thepeopleandconditionsthatwereoppressingme,tryingtofindanswersorblame.One,
whichIuncoveredayearlater,includedanitem,lastonthelistdrinking,neverending?
Itrulyfeltalcoholwastoblameforalotofmypain,butfearedIwouldneverescapethe
viciouscircleofdrinking,sickness,quitting,sickness,andthehumiliatingdefeatofstarting
alloveragain.Icouldntseehowitwouldbepossibletocontinuelivingthatway,andI
didntknowhowtostop.Ifelthopeless,utterlydefeatedandfranklyIjustwantedtobe
lockedup,putsomewheresafe,forsomeoneelsetoberesponsibleforme.Iwanted
medicalsupervisionandthegooddrugsthatlessenedthecripplingphysicaltortureof
quitting.Iwantedabreakfromthemaddeningcycle.
Momcameintomyroomacoupleofdayslater.Iassumedshewas,asperusual,hell
bentoncatchingmedrinkingandconfiscatingoneofmypreciousbottles,butinsteadshe
swipedmywallet,includingcreditanddebitcards.Notthattherewasmuchleftinthe
bank.FortunatelyIhadputalittlecashaside,twentyorfortydollars,butitwouldhardly
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lastlong.Therewerestillsomebottlesofbeerandwineinthatbasementcooler,though
theyweredwindlingIhadgottenlaxatreplacingthemoneforone.Momsbottleof
sherry,whichwaslocatedmoreconvenientlyinthekitchen,wastheonlyotherliquorin
thehouseanditwasalreadynearlyhalffullofwater.Therewerentmanyoptionsleftand
Iwasexhaustedthinkingaboutthem.Ihadhadenough.Icouldntdoitanymore.
IdontrememberwhetherMomofferedtogetmeintotreatmentandIagreedor
whetherIinitiatedtheconversation,butIfinallymadethedecisionandaskedhertogetme
help.Shesaidshewouldseewhatshecoulddo.Afterward,Iwentbacktomyroomand
kneltonthefloor,pausingbeforeIreachedforthebottleunderthemattress,feeling
somethinglikeacryfromdeepinside,apleathatsomething,anythingmightbringme
somerelief.Inthatmoment,inspiteofthedrinkIwasabouttotake,Ifeltalittlehope.I
tookabreathandfeltaweight,theweightofself-reliance,ofallthatIhadtriedandfailed
atbefore,lifted.Ididntknowitatthetime,butIhadtakenthefirststep.