stacey's song
TRANSCRIPT
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Stacey’s Song
After Death:
Saving a Child’s Grieving soul
By: Stacey Meyers
With Cynthia Meyers-Hanson
Copyright 2004
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Stacey’s Song
Copyright 2004
All rights reserved. No portion of this oo! "ay e
reproduced or utili#ed in any for" or y any "eans$
electronic or "echanical including photocopying$
%ithout per"ission in %riting fro" the authors.
&n'uiries should e addressed to: Stacey (eyers
%ith Cynthia (eyers)*anson
"chanson+,4-yahoo.co"
DEDICATION To our parents- may they rest in peace.
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he follo%ing 'uotes are %hat readers are saying
aout the %riting style in oo!s$ logs$ or essays y
Cynthia (eyers)*anson A/A Sydney S. Song.
car"ennunn or Car"en Nunn: Cynthia$ r a great
t%itter friend$ person 1 the "as stories %ere
%onderful333(erry Christ"as3
sinadad or sinad: oh & love your oo!s
NancySinatra or Nancy Sinatra: & have ordered
your oo! and loo! for%ard to receiving it.
angelfr"canada or oc!in oin 5657: a%eso"e
author3
angelfr"canada or oc!in oin 5657: & got ti"e
to read it. 8a%eso"e93 So s%eet that you dedicated it
to your grand!ids 1 your dad 9
;eannie<al!er, or ;eannie <al!er: *i Cynthia$
=oved the log and follo%ed it. elling "y friends
aout it here on %itter... >lessings$ ;eannie <al!er
sa"sned or Sandra a%liu!: *appy >irthday to
you father33 ?our log %as good
C*Cat(o" or =inda: Great story. (y )day is...
C*Cat(o" or =inda: A" en6oying the stories.
<ill read "ore later.
Dean@f(usic or ic! Dean: & li!e %ell %ritten
childrens stories and this loo!s li!e one3 8):
ha>rain# or harain#: for t%itter true
inspiration...real B@3
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24cotton or 6oi: your oo! the vision t%as 'uite
en6oyale. i than! you again for sharing it %ith
"e :933
24cotton or 6oi: nice variety of literary %or! y
"chanson+,433 E"o"s on the roof...E inspirational
1 poignantly funny
eileenschuh or Fileen Schuh: "y good friend$
prolific %riter and spiritually) connected %o"an of
strength 8is9 "chanson+,4
(arni(ann or (arni (ann: Great log$ than!s for
sharing3 :9
=arryFnright or =arry Fnright: unny story3
Cerise=ight or Nanette de Hille: Great lady...
a%eso"e %riter
"o""anissel or Sherri: &f you tal!ed aout 8your
oo!9 he Hision & !no% you roc!ed the house. &
loved that oo!.
"o""anissel or Sherri: & %as spellound as lind
girl %I dysfunctional fa"ily eJplains her ne%
physical vision 1 spiritual visions) he Hision
"o""anissel or Sherri: Bics %as great Cindy. &
had no idea you could dra%. hey are perfect for
children’s oo!s. <hoop <hoop
(elanieKHautour or (elanie Hautour: <ant to
read a cute Faster storyL Chec! out An Faster ale
8 on A([email protected]"9
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daisyuc!ner or Dr. Daisy >uc!ner: Chec! out very
inspirational oo!s y "chanson+,4 . E(o"s on
the oof...E)one & particularly li!e
AlohaArleen or Arleen >oyd: =@HF your %riting3
/i"Doyle<ille or /i" Doyle <ille: @(G3
A<F@(F aleit heart)%renching log3 & %ill
proudly your log again 1 again.
>utterfly(aven or (elinda ?. Ar"strong:
should e follo%ed... eautiful %riter :9 ...
>utterfly(aven or (elinda ?. Ar"strong: ?oure
funny...and very talented....
6os!idiesel or ;oHonna odrigue#: read her stuff3
Chec! her out3 She is dope and great to tal! %ith 3
danielaudet or daniel audet: & en6oyed reading so"e
of the posts on your log.
lu"inary2000 or Christopher *arding: ?oure a
gifted %riter... ale to tell a story and dra% the
reader in %ith such ease.
%ay#goose or <ay#goose: &ve en6oyed so"e of
the stories at http:II"chanson+,4.logspot.co".
?ou are an entertaining %riter.
/indnessing or tina "ansfield: Good read3 &ve
said it 4$ youre gifted at using hu"or to soften
lifes lo%s.
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Introduction: London Bridge?
At ten$ Stacey’s and "y "other died as a result of
cancer. ;ust a fe% %ee!s later$ %e lost our father to
suicide he died in a fire that he "ade. &t %as a
tough ti"e.
@ne day$ Stacey’s counselor told "e it could ta!e
three to five years to pull her through the grieving
process. (y reaction %as$ OGod save "e3P <henat %it’s end$ *e %as "y only hope. & learned to use
all the sutle hints God provided to ans%er "y
current 'uestions.
Farly in her grieving$ Stacey acted out her anger.
(ost children can’t eJpress pain in %ords$ so they
de"onstrate it. & learned that fro" "y grief
counselor and her. Stacey shared her suffering %ithus in the follo%ing "anner. She scratched$ tripped$
and irritated her ne% fa"ily. &n rage$ she
challenged "y discipline and re'uire"ents for self)
control.
(any ti"es$ & thought$ O*elen /ellerP instead of
Stacey ecause the ten)year)old %as linded y
eJtre"e grief. *er itterness and anguish linded
her to an out reached hand. She graed the
appendage cla%ing it. She appeared as a trapped$
%ild ani"al. *er grief appeared that deep3 Fach
ti"e$ & loo!ed for so"ething to save her & searched
for her connecting phrase$ her O<AF3P As her
denial of her parent’s death susided and her
acceptance of her ne% life style gre%$ these
incidents eca"e further and further apart. & relied
on God$ counselors$ church "e"ers$ neighors$
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and friends. So"eti"es$ & resorted to "y o%n %it
to pull this child out of destructive ehavior.
or eJa"ple: one day 8or "ost days in those first
t%o years9 an argu"ent et%een Stacey and her t%o
silings occurred. She eca"e so itter and unruly
that she egan scratching ;ulie until her victi" led.
;enny fled screa"ing$ O*elp3 She’s hurting us
again3P
ro" the !itchen$ & e"erged. Glaring at her$ "y
"outh screa"ed$ OStop3P &""ediately$ "y hands pulled the t%o girls apart. OSit do%n3P (y finger
%aved in a disciplinarian fashion in Stacey’s
direction. O=oo! at "e3P & continued until Stacey
responded. (y stare loc!ed her eyes as & added$ O&
!no% there is anger in your soul ut you %ill not
ta!e it out on the children. <e invited you into our
ho"e$ and you repay us %ith violence. &t %ill stop$
and it %ill stop no%3P
or years$ & re"ained captured y her eastly
ehavior. & feared she’d har" herself if & fled. &
gave up dinners$ "ovies$ vacations %hile guarding
her soul. hat changed ecause it had to change3
hat day$ & too! a ig leap of faith %hen & loaded
;ulie and ;enny into the car leaving Stacey lic!ing
her e"otional %ounds. (y only %ords to thegrieving child %ere$ O&’ll e ac!3P
&nstead of finishing the lunch preparations$ &
retreated %ith "y t%o natural children placing the"
at their Grand"other *elen’s house. Stacey
see"ed old enough to re"ain at ho"e alone and
scared enough to a%ait the return of so"eone in her
life.
Arriving ho"e$ & found Stacey cal"er and cleaning
her edroo". O<hat possesses you to hurt the ones
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that are here to help youLP & reu!ed her ad
ehavior.
Stacey searched the floor for a reason for her
ehavior. She interrogated her soul for an ans%er
and peace. Curling into a fetal position$ Stacey’s
eyes and s!in "oistened$ O& can’t stop$ help "e3P
ODo you %ish you %ere orn to us instead of eing
du"ped hereLP
Stacey’s curled head egan to %ave in a positive
"anner. She pea!ed out fro" under her t%isted
ar". *er %hisper echoed$ O?es.P
O& can’t change your irth status. (y parents died
%hen yours did. hey %ere "y "o""y and daddy$
too.P ears flo%ed as %e e"raced. & started it$ and
she reacted positively to "y ar"s for a change
hugging in place of har"ing. Oheir death has
i"pacted "e in negative %ays$ too. *o%ever$ &don’t punch you around or har" you. Blease$ stop
attac!ing the girls.P
O<hy don’t you put "e in a foster ho"eL Get it
over %ith3P Stacey provo!ed.
O&f & %as going to get rid of you$ & %ould never have
uilt a edroo" for you3P & inter6ected.
O<hyL <hy do you !eep "eLP
O>ecause$ if & died$ &’d %ant so"eone to help "y
girls. (aye$ & care aout you$P (y "outh
"uttered. After "onths of co""otion and nasty
eJchanges$ & douted "y o%n good intentions.
Dragging the otto" of "y o%n pit of despair and
disappoint"ent$ & added$ O>esides$ (i!e once told
"e he %anted a ay girl 6ust li!e "y niece. <hen%e had our girls$ he %as pleased. No%$ he even got
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his %ish. @n top of ;ulie and ;enny$ he has you.P A
s"ile flashed across Stacey’s face.
Counseling played a "a6or role in our first years
together. & a" an advocate. After this incident$ &
tal!ed to her psychologist and got alternatives for
anger eJpression. No longer %ere tripping$
pushing$ or pulling allo%ed during the eJpression of
despair. &nstead paper could e torn up and
scattered. Billo%s could e used to fight %ith the
ed. Screa"ing pri"al screa"s to release theanguish %ould e tolerated. Stacey %as allo%ed to
grieve ut not to eco"e violent against others.
*u"an actions %ould replace ani"alistic ones
ecause they %ere healthier and "ore "anageale.
As Stacey gained control of her e"otions$ she
opened her eyes to the eauty around her. hus$ she
egan to have nor"al responses to prole"s instead
of eJaggerated ones. e"e"ering a sad childhoodga"e$ =ondon >ridge "ay have fallen do%n.
*o%ever$ there is one lesson Stacey learned. ?ou
can reuild. here are al%ays people %illing to
sho% you ho% to start over.
<hen anyone as!s "e ho% %e "ade it through all
the disasters$ "y reply is$ O<e had no choice. he
only %ay out of grief is to go through it.P &f yourlife ever enters a si"ilar course$ it is "y
reco""endation that you ta!e a fe% essential
survival tools along %ith you. hese include:
patience$ hu"or$ reality$ a counselor or t%o$ friends$
fa"ily$ and especially faith.
inally$ the rest of this story %as %ritten through
Stacey’s eyes so that you can see ho% the child
found her %ay out of the dungeons of grief and
despair.
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Chapter , : Christmas Terminal
he shado%s fall differently this ti"e of year. ree
leaves glo% %ith a hint of yello% signaling change.
Fach "orning$ the de% gro%s a it thic!er. At its
pea!$ the frost rese"les sno% especially if enough
sod %e%or" helped %ith this lan!et. FJiting the
house$ "y ody feels the sutle hint of chilly
%eather on its %ay. & can feel it in et%een each
al"y ree#e. Northerners "ay find it difficult tonotice Christ"as approaching unless they pee! at a
calendar. *o%ever$ & a" a native of the sutropics.
hus$ a Christ"as spirit arrives even %ithout
li##ards.
At this ti"e of year$ "y fa"ily follo%s a less than
rigid tradition. At the first cool snap$ %e turn on the
air conditioner and light the fireplace. Snugglingaround a large %ooden coffee tale$ %e sip hot
cocoa. As %e participate in this holiday ritual$
usually$ one of "y peers pulls the %hipped crea"
out of the refrigerator to refill her "ug %ith all the
froth it can hold. At ti"es$ so"eone’s cup
overflo%s. hat child hears fro" "o"$ OSlo%
do%n$ this is the first in a series of si"ulated cold
snaps.P hen$ the rest of the crea" is set aside forour neJt fa"ily "eeting at our coffee tale.
&f daddy isn’t ho"e %hen %e "eet at our spots on
the floor$ %e add an eJtra treat to our ti"e together.
<e light the Christ"as tree$ a porcelain sno%
covered village$ and a nativity set. After that$ one
of us starts a string of caroling ells as the others
eJtinguish all other non)seasonal illu"inations. &nthe glo% of our Christ"as decorations$ %e en6oy the
at"osphere. @ccasionally$ daddy interrupts this
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tradition arriving ho"e in ti"e to point out the
household lights are off and the television is silent.
&""ediately$ the rest of us re"ind hi" that %ereplaced those things %ith Christ"as cheer.
During our Christ"as vigil$ "y Aunt Cindy$ "y
ne% silings$ and & escape to our private daydrea"s.
(ost ti"es$ & restore "e"ories of frigid
sno%stor"s during a "ountain top holiday.
Bro"pted y a special song$ "y sisters re"inisce
aout candle light processions and neighorhoodcaroling. So"e of us recreate the scene of shooting
stars visile through the ranches of pines %here %e
once ca"ped. he s"ell of hot chocolate provo!es
special Sunday deserts "e"ories in so"e %hile
re"inding others of a secret %ish.
@ur holiday seasons %ere not al%ays %ar" and
cal". ;ust a fe% short years ago$ & arrived at this
household during han!sgiving %ee! ecause "y"other egan dying fro" cancer. (y grandparents
adopted "e efore age t%o. hus$ "y Aunt Cindy’s
"other eca"e "y "o" as %ell. As you "ight
guess$ that particular holiday season introduced into
"y vocaulary the %ords frantic and painful. (y
Aunt and & spent hours at the hospital or our
parent’s edside in her ho"e. &t is al%ays painful to
say good)ye$ and the season of 6oy "ade it
unearale. & %as only ten years old.
At one point$ & re"ained loc!ed in anger %ith God$
all adults$ and this "isadventure. (y "isplaced
grief caused "e to lash out at "y ne% careta!er$ "y
Aunt Cindy$ saying$ O& a" going to tell your !ids
the truth aout Santa. hen$ %e %ill all e unhappy
together.P (y silings$ ;ulie and ;enny$ %ereyounger than "e. (y action %ould have een very
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cruel. &n "y rage$ & didn’t really feel any concern
for their feelings.
Decisively$ Cindy’s responded$ E&f you destroy their
fantasy$ you %on’t get any Christ"as gifts fro"
Santa. ?ou etter not hurt anyone 6ust ecause you
are "ad ecause %e !no% Santa’s real na"e. >e
careful$ or you %on’t have any happiness this year3
& %ill return your presents.P
<hen Christ"as Fve arrived$ & got a truc!load of
gifts including so"e fro" "y aunt’s in)la%s. &nspite of eing included$ "y anger gre%. >eing at
ho"e %ith "y o%n parents %ould have een etter
than all the "aterial treasures in this %orld. &n an
atte"pt to eJpress this feeling$ "y voice screa"ed
at "y aunt’s "other)in)la%$ O& don’t %ant your gifts
ecause you are not "y grand"a3P
ossing the pac!ages to the floor$ & never %ore thes%eater covered %ith e"roidery puppies even
though it %as eautiful shades of pin!$ lue$ and
gold. =ater$ defending "yself$ & argued$ O&t %asn’t
"y taste in clothing3P hat argu"ent arrived to
ease "y conscience. *o%ever$ "y separation fro"
"y "o" !ept that gar"ent on the floor.
Apologetically$ "y careta!er %hispered$ Ohan!)
you3 & appreciate you thin!ing of her even thoughour "other is still alive at ho"e and under *ospice
care. <e are going to see "o"$ to"orro%.P
O*o% is she doingLP *elen$ her "other)in)la%
in'uired.
OShe can’t even sit up any"ore %ithout pain. &t
ta!es t%o people to place her in the %heelchair due
to her %ea!ness. his %ill e her last Christ"as$P(y Aunt Cindy added.
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he neJt day$ Aunt Cindy and Aunt (argie spent
hours decorating "y "other’s house. *er ho"e
appeared the sa"e as years efore. (ean%hile$Cindy prepared the food in the oven. <hen &
arreled into "y ho"e$ fro" all s"ells and
appearances$ "y eing entered the treasured
"e"ories of "any childhood holidays. (y sense
of security %as 6ust an illusion.
Quic!ly$ reality struc!. After a "inor struggle for
"y ncle (i!e and ncle Andre%$ they pushed our"o" out to the living roo" for a Christ"as gift
eJchange. <ithin "inutes$ the unearale pain
hindered our "other fro" re"aining seated. As
so"e relatives escorted her ac! to her in)ho"e
hospital ed$ "y ne% father "oved "y ne% silings
and "e to%ards the front door. *e intended to ta!e
us to a party that they attended yearly. @nce
everyone left that Christ"as day$ Aunt Cindy satalone %ith our parents %ho %anted this to e a ad
drea". (y heart understood that desire.
<ee!s later$ as Cindy co"plained to one of the
*ospice nurses aout our "other’s last Christ"as.
hat lady pointed out the special gift our "other
received fro" an uneJpected source. his nurse
!ne% that her patient %aited for this holiday
annually. She could tell y the tons of Christ"as
fare in storage that this holiday too! precedent over
all others in this household. /no%ing "o"’s love
of children and fantasy$ that nurse !ne% the gift to
deliver to her patient.
Fach year$ Santa rides a fire engine throughout our
neighorhoods thro%ing candy. *earing the sirens
a fe% days efore Christ"as$ this nurse steppedoutside and a%ay fro" her duties to secure the gift.
Standing in the path of the onco"ing parade of
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police officers$ city co""issioners$ and Santa$ she
re'uested a visit fro" St. Nic!. he entourage
stopped %hile (r. Claus cli"ed do%n off thetruc!$ through the cro%d of children$ and to "y
"o"’s edroo" %indo%. he shades %ere open to
let in the glo%ing %ar"th of the sun and the spirit
of that season. (y "other radiantly returned the
s"ile of the earded "an at her %indo% as %ell as
the neighor’s children at his sleeve. <e "issed
this "agical gift until the nurse narrated her tale.
After that year$ Christ"ases ca"e and %ent. Fach
year$ & eJpected a trace of "agic. (aye$ it %ould
e found arriving on a shooting star$ in an
uneJpected gift fro" an ac'uaintance$ or as a gift
not "entioned on the list to Santa. nless you have
a "agnifying glass during a ter"inal illness and
thereafter$ "ost li!ely$ you %on’t see the spirit and
"iracles of Christ"as arrive$ & !no% that & didn’t.<hen your focus on the ad things$ so"e gifts
delivered "ay re"ain ignored. ;ust as "y s%eater
%as re6ected$ these little rays of hope are left on the
floor possily ignored forever.
No%$ siJ years later$ in the char"ed "o"ent of our
hot chocolate rea!$ & re"inisced of past
Christ"ases hoping St. Nic!’s visit %ould touch "y
life as %ell. Daydrea"ing over cocoa this year$ &
heard "y aunt re"ind "e aout her o%n philosophy
of dealing %ith loss and grief$ OSi"ple acts of
!indness are the "agic of any holiday season. Stop
a%aiting grandiose signs that all is %ell in *eaven
and on Farth. Si"ple pleasures can sustain you.P
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Chapter 2 : Hail, Whats Ne!t
>efore God forced "e to live %ith "y Aunt Cindy$
"y life included all for"s of pre)adolescent
ehavior. (y #eal for flights of fancy %as seldo"
te"pered y reality. At ten$ & placed "ost of "y
attention on the rope that hung fro" a ig oa! tree
in "y ac! yard. sing it as a s%ing$ it propelled
"e into dra"atic yet safe flight. So"eti"es$ itappeared as if & could fly. *o%ever$ "y all)ti"e
favorite activity %as going to the "all. >eing the
only child left in the ho"e$ "y parents indulged "e
%ith shopping sprees on an al"ost daily asis.
Carefree descried "y life. (y eJistence pro"oted
"agical tales to e %oven. *o%ever$ there isn’t a
life out there %ithout a prole" in search of so"e
solution.So"e ad ne%s arrived one fine$ sunny day that
caused a stor" %ith "ore fury than *urricane
Andre%. &t %as "id);uly and hotter than *ades the
day that & found out "y "other had ter"inal cancer.
eluctant to accept the truth and in the %ay of a
grieving father$ & left "y castle to live %ith "y Aunt
Cindy$ ncle (i!e$ ;ulie$ and ;enny. hings
changed suddenly "y life turned less than perfect.
he shoc! "ade "e al"ost non)redee"ale.
Fven though$ & lived %ithin t%o "iles of their
house$ this ne% ho"e felt %orlds apart fro" the
lifestyle that & en6oyed. Suddenly$ the center of
attention shifted fro" "e ecause "y %orld %as
shared %ith t%o peers$ ;ulie and ;enny. Fach day
apart fro" "y parent’s$ "y soul yearned for the privilege of only child status. &n "y "ind$ &
con6ured up stories that %ere not filled %ith fairies
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or happily ever after phrases. <hile the
ther"o"eter raged past one)hundred degrees and
the pave"ent s%eltered eneath "y are feet$ "y"ind %ould %ander through chilling places. (y
"yths contained dungeons$ slayers$ and nothing less
than pitched for!ed guards. &n "y %ildest tales$
Aunt Cindy %as the chilling "aster guarding our
parents ecause they %ere sentenced to death.
he %ic!edest of step)"others appeared as cherus
in "y daydrea"s ecause "y only villain assu"edthe role of "y ne% careta!er. She "ade "e clean
"y o%n roo"$ do "y o%n laundry$ and %or! for an
allo%ance. <hile the t%o ugly step)sisters$ "y
cousins$ %illingly perfor"ed their chores$ & sat
rooding %hile free#ing in the cataco"s of "y
"ind.
inally$ the day arrived %hen the %orst ne%s
arrived. @ur "other had eaten her last "eal$ and thesentence to death y lethal disease re"ained intact.
his verdict %as not overturned y the dar! ages
court of appeal. At that "o"ent$ "y heart decided
that there %as no right side to life. Clouds in the
s!y never revealed silver linings. At the sa"e ti"e$
"y "ind %anted to return ho"e %hile pretending
this %hole thing %as 6ust a %ic!ed night"are.
&n ordinary circu"stances$ a ten year old %ould
have 6ourneyed ac! ho"e$ i""ediately. *o%ever$
our father fell apart at the funeral. *is life centered
on his spouse. Fven though his "ates eJistence
revolved around the life of their children$ he never
really "erged his universe %ith "e or any of his
offspring. During the %a!e$ the only dad & ever
!ne% reco""ended that "y Aunt Cindy continueto have the custody of his$ once again$ orphaned
child.
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(y soul never felt the pain of the parental first
separation ecause "y life egan three days after
"y irth %hen & "oved in %ith "y grandparents.Soon thereafter$ "y grandparents adopted "e. (y
"other and father never !ept "y origins a secret.
(ean%hile$ "y "o" cuddled$ hugged$ and lavishly
loved "e as her o%n. No%$ the only unconditional
love "y short life ever %itnessed fled %ith this
cancer death. he separation defeated "y fantasy$
"erri"ent$ and hope.
<ithin %ee!s of "y initial shoc!$ "y father
co""itted suicide. *e set "o"’s car on fire and
got in. *e acco"plished this tas! after signing over
custody of "e to "y ne% guardians$ the evil ones.
(y Aunt tried eJplaining cancer and suicide to "e.
Devastated$ "y soul hid in heavy denial of reality.
(y circu"stances left "y life too unearale to
fatho". (y "ind translated Cindy’s strength$ faith$and perseverance as a lac! of love for our parent’s
and possily "e. he rage of dad’s fire a"ounted
to nothing co"pared to the anger that engulfed in
"y heart.
As in any %ar of t%o %orlds$ & despised the
"essenger for the ne%s she delivered. &n "y "ind$
%e %ould never e allies$ again. &t %asn’t an overt
retaliation at first. he shoc! too! a fe% days to
%ear off. Fventually$ & decided that "y "essenger
%as the ene"y. lying up fro" ehind as if "y
hands had a good grip on "y old rope s%ing$ & too!
out "y %rath and fears on Cindy. (y nails cla%ed
at her ar"s as & punched furiously and screa"ed$
O&’" going to end this$ no%3P
hen$ purposefully$ "y ne% "other tripped "e.<ith all her strength$ she pushed "y flailing ar"s
out and against the ground. *er ody perched on
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"y s'uir"ing torso so that "y legs could not goose
her. inally$ "y face arrived right up against hers$
and she !issed "e. hat’s right "y eing suc!edface %ith this devil hu"an that & intended to
destroy.
O*o% are you going to end thisLP *er voice taunted
"e.
O&’" going to run in front of a car let it crush "e to
death3P
Ohat %on’t end it ecause you’ll spend an eternity
in *ell for you actions3P *er %arning occurred.
Ohere is no *ell ecause there is no *eaven.
here is no God ecause if there %as one *e
%ouldn’t have let "e loose a second set of parents.P
OGod didn’t force our dad to flee fro" this Farth3 &t
%as his ad decision3P (y aunt defended.
O?eah$ ut *e did ta!e "y "o". &f *e does eJist$
God "ust hate "e$P (y %ords "ade chilling sense.
*o% could an adult dispute this logicL So"e of the
old clichRs aout %hy God returns so"eone ho"e
to *eaven %ould have infuriated "e further. &n true
%isdo"$ Cindy searched for the neJt %ords.
OGod does not hate you$P &s the only phrase that she
"uttered. here 6ust %asn’t a set of %ords to
convince a child or even an adult that this situation
%as fair.
(ean%hile$ Cindy %isely called a crisis line %hen
her ody separated fro" "y torso. An appoint"ent
%ith a grief counselor occurred i""ediately.
Blacing a reluctant girl in a car is easier to do if you
offer a re%ard such as a shopping spree. At that"o"ent$ "y ne%est careta!er d%arfed Solo"on
ecause she tric!ed "e into the car %ith a vague
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pro"ise of ne% clothes$ shoes$ or so"e other ite".
hen$ off to find support in this difficult ti"e$ %e
drove.
he counselor tried to eJplain our father’s departure
as a disease. @ur dad suffered fro" "anic
depression or ipolar disorder. O*e could not cope
once his help"ate left. hus$ he left this %orld to
find his %ife on the other side. (ean%hile$ he
never thought aout the psychological
conse'uences on the other relatives or you.P Shes"iled %hile enraging "e.
As "y careta!er and & continued therapy$ "onths
later$ & revealed$ O&f "y "o" had to die$ & didn’t
%ant "y dad to raise "e.P
O<hyLP he psychologist 'uestioned i""ediately.
O*e %as "ean3 @nce$ he thre% dishes at "e
ecause & sprayed <indeJ on the tale to clean. *e%as eating at the other end$ and it "ade hi" "ad.
he tale %ent up in the air and dishes fle% "y
direction as he hollered things aout "y stupidity.P
& eJplained "ee!ly.
OAre you glad he’s dead and afraid that is a %rong
feelingLP he counselor prodded.
(y soul felt the chill of the dungeon as & %anderedthrough the dar! thoughts in "y "ind. Suddenly$
"y "ind reali#ed that the dragon holding "y
parent’s prisoner %as not "y Aunt Cindy. he fire
reathing dragon %as "e. Shutting "y eyes$ the
tears tu"led over "y chee!s and rested on "y
pal"s that lie open in "y lap. & had to loo! a%ay
fro" everyone around "e ecause & had revealed
too "uch. Soon$ they %ould convince "e that there%as no good reason to con6ure these raging tales in
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"y "ind. & %ould not udge off this anger so "y
retreat occurred hastily.
>rea!ing the silence$ & added$ Ohere is not a God.
&f there is one$ & don’t trust *i". *e is not "y
ather ecause & don’t trust any parents. (y "o"
told "e that she’d fight the cancer$ and &’d e ho"e
once she %as etter. She died. She lied. hen$ "y
dad left "e. *e !illed hi"self. &f you can’t trust
your o%n parents$ %ho can you trustLP
he counselor and "y aunt could only o% theirheads in silence as the dar!ness of "y thoughts
tu"led past "y lips. inally$ the counselor spo!e$
ODo you !no% your parent’s are dead and that
Cindy doesn’t have the" hiding out so"e%hereLP
(y head oed up and do%n as the flurry of tears
susided and ree"erged. OCan you trust anyoneLP
Again$ "y head elevated and descended in rhyth".
No%$ the tas! %as to find out %ho" & trusted
ecause that person or those people could help "e
ridge ac! fro" self)hatred and possile self)
destruction. Did the counselor dare push "e on this
day$ or should she let the neJt revelation occur in its
o%n ti"eL he counselor "oved for%ard$ OStacey$
do you trust any adultsLP
Da%n crept near and the sun pee!ed ti"idly as itgained in position aout to reappear in "y life.
*o%ever$ "y soul re"ained reluctant to %ander out
of the cataco"s ecause &’d have to truly elieve
that "y parents %ould not return to this %orld$
today or any other day. Fventually$ "y voice
"uttered$ O& only trust Cindy3P
he "issing lin! et%een the pain and the solutione"erged. &t %as a good thing & spared the
"essenger. he counselor %as %ell a%are of "y
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ac!ground. nli!e the ten)year)old needing her
counseling$ "y aunt %as %ell anchored in reality.
hus$ the healer continued$ O?ou trust AuntCindyLP She %as not slo% or hard of hearing. &n
fact$ this lady %as laying the foundation for the road
that & %ould 6ourney ac! over fro" despair to
hope.
O?es$ & told you$P (y "ind argued aloud.
O?ou dont trust your deceased parents for lying to
you or for leaving you on purpose$ a" & rightLP (yans%er %as a slight nod. O&s God an adultLP he
positive affir"ation continued. O?ou feel you can’t
trust *i" ecause you can’t trust your "o" and
dadLP (y %hole eing shrie!ed as a result of all
this 'uestioning. (y head halted its nodding and
re"ained in a o%ed position. O?ou trust Cindy$
and she is an adult3P
ONo she is not3 She is one of the !ids3 Cindy is one
of "y parent’s children$P (y voice oasted as if &
6ust revealed a secret to this stranger.
O*o% old is a gro%n)upL <ould you say so"eone
t%enty)one or older is an adultLP he counselor set
the stage to tric! "e into eing reasonale.
& raised one ar" slightly and "ade a yes "otion%ith "y clenched fist. OSo$ an adult can e as young
as t%enty)oneLP his counselor %ould have "ade a
fine defense attorney. (y thu" rose and pointed
in a fashion that "eant definitely. hat’s %hen the
psychologist positioned to pose the "ost i"portant
'uestion. O?ou said you trust no adults including
God ut you have every confidence in your aunt.P
his line of 'uestioning agitated "e so & s'uir"edin "y chair.
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Giving "e a rea! fro" the in'uisition$ the
counselor as!ed$ OCindy$ are you a child of her
deceased parentsLP
Quic!ly$ her voice responded$ O?es$ & a" one of the
original four !ids. Stacey %as orn "y niece and
adopted as "y sister.P
OSo$ she is right to call you a !idLP
O?eah$ ut...P
O&s there so"ething to addL *o% old is an adult foryouLP
O@ver t%enty)one$ & guess$P he dialog continued
et%een the counselor and Cindy. hey used
%ords instead of "y sign language.
OStacey$ since you oth agree that t%enty)one year
olds are adults$ %ould you li!e to !no% Cindy’s
ageLP he counselor got a shrug out of "e. O@!ay$ho% old are youLP
Ohirty)five3P Cindy announced proudly.
OAh3 *a3 ?ou are an adult$ and Stacey trusts you.
(aye$ she can learn to trust even "ore people no%
that she reali#es so"e tell her the truth "ore often$P
he counselor concluded. hen$ an eJplanation
follo%ed$ O?our "o" %as trying to spare yourfeelings y not ad"itting she %as dying ut that
confused you "ore. &t %as a ad decision.P
=ater in another conversation$ Cindy told "e$
Ohere are a ton of reasons %hy you need to live.
irst$ you haven’t even seen all the %orld has to
share %ith you. here are so"e really eautiful
places left to visit.PO<hereLP (y eing as!ed tartly.
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O<ell$ %e %ent to see sno% once and sledded do%n
a hillside. *ave you ever heard the crunch of sno%
eneath your feetLP Cindy thought of a "agical%orld to descrie to "e. She rought fantasy in her
voice. =oo!ing up$ & %ondered ho% she could
disengage her o%n grief for "e. *o% could she e
filled %ith hope %hen & only !ne% despairL
As & searched her eyes for a clue to her s"iling
spirit$ & ans%ered$ ONo$ &’ve never seen sno% in
person. Can %e go at Christ"asL Can & uild asno%"an li!e rostyLP & returned to frivolous
ehaviors after a long grief)filled 6ourney. (y eyes
t%in!led %ith the vitality that "y old rope s%ing
shared %ith "e in the past. <as it energy shooting
fro" "y Aunt’s eyes or "y o%n hope returningL
<as & finally restarting "y young lifeL
>efore & could decide on the ans%ers to those
'uestions$ "y Aunt responded$ O& get t%o %ee!svacation in Dece"er. <e can drive into the
"ountains and find sno% for the holidays.P
Suddenly$ & pictured sledding$ friendly sno%all
fights$ crystal castles$ and "agical sno%"en.
Christ"as rea! %ould not arrive soon enough$ and
& could arely capture "y pleasure as "agic carried
"y soul. (y thoughts filled %ith glistening sno%as "y cold dar! ages converted to chilly thoughts
lan!eted y co#y fireplaces.
hen$ the ad luc! returned %hen "y careta!er
cancelled this trip. ;enny %as hospitali#ed after
repeated infections. *er tonsils needed to e
re"oved$ and the pro"ised trip %as postponed. &
!ne% that there %as al%ays to"orro% for drea"s to
co"e true ut "y alar"s %ent off. (y soul verged
on returning to its dar! ages.
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O;enny destroyed "y drea"3P & lurted out.
Ohese things happen. No one gets sic! on purpose.
=ife is full "isadventures. here is good ne%s
then ad ne%s follo%s. irst$ a ne% ay appears
full of ne% hope. hen$ %e have to ury a person
after love shared. &n et%een$ there is a series of
good then ad events. hat’s life.P (y Aunt
rese"led a frustrated philosopher as she eJplained
things to "e.
O&t %asn’t good ne%s %hen & %as orn3P Bity too!over "y "outh.
O?es$ it %as3 <hen you leave us so"e day that %ill
e sad.P Cindy contended. hen life %ent on
ecause$ so"eti"es$ no %ords can help a grieving
soul.
(ean%hile$ the operation %ent %ell ut ;enny
clai"ed the center of attention. or a year or "ore$& strained "y aunt’s e"otional udget %ith %ee!ly
then i)%ee!ly counseling. No%$ she focused on
her youngest child rather than the failed atte"pt to
find sno%. & forcily learned the %ord share$ and it
%as a hard lesson for a previously only child.
>y (arch$ Spring rea! planning too! the spotlight.
As %e discussed a long deserved vacation$ "y auntrecalled$ OStacey %anted to see sno% at Christ"as.
&t’s too ad our rea! is co"ing in the spring.P
O<e "ight find sno% in Canada this ti"e of year.
@r "aye$ (ichigan. (y ncle ed lives near
Canada. & %onder if there is still sno% on the
ground3P (y ncle (i!e suggested.
OFven if there is$ it %ould cost too "uch to fly allfive of us. <e only get a %ee! rea!3P
O?eah$ you’d have to fly.P
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Oorget it3 <e can drive to see sno% neJt %inter$P
She rationali#ed.
Fventually$ the girls egan discussing spring rea!
as %ell. @ne "orning$ on the %ay to school$ ;ulie
stated$ O& %ant to go to the each.P
O?eah$ the each3P ;enny responded %ith a
co"pletely healed throat.
inally$ & ro!e "y self)inflicted silence$ O& %ant to
see sno%. & a" not going on vacation unless %e go
see sno%3P
O>e reasonale. he only sno% is far a%ay$ and
%e’d have to fly there$P Cindy retorted.
Ohen$ let’s "a!e flight reservations.P &t’s al%ays
easier to "a!e a suggestion %hen so"eone else
pays the ill.
Ohe sno% %ould e so far north$ and %e "ay noteven find it there3P She eJplained rather than
disclose finances.
Ohen$ & %ish it %ould sno% here3P (y response
arrived.
OGet real3 &t rarely sno%s in Central lorida. &f it
does$ it falls in ;anuary and never hits the ground.
&t "elts on the %ay. &t so"eti"es falls 6ust north ofus and stays a fe% hours ut nothing close to
sno%"an %eather. <e can drive to see sno% neJt
%inter$ ut %e are not flying any%here this
vacation.P
OSo %hat3 &’" going to pray for sno% %ithin
driving distance of our house. & a" going to as! for
it no%$P (y style less angry these days converted to elligerent.
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OBray a%ay3 >ut$ it isn’t possile$P She added as
the other car passengers giggled. At age seven and
nine$ they reali#ed & could e unreasonale at ti"es.
hat afternoon$ stor" clouds rolled into Central
lorida. & %itnessed dar! clouds efore$ and they
%ere al%ays a%eso"e. Quic!ly$ Aunt Cindy
entered our school uilding to retrieve us efore the
do%npour. Fveryone "entioned that the clouds
%ere so dar! and scary. Beople feared a t%ister.
(y aunt suggested %e’d e drenched if %e didn’t pic! up the pace to the car.
Arriving ho"e "inutes efore the fast "oving
clouds$ the girls clic!ed on the television. Fven
fro" the front door$ & heard the eeping as the
%eather ureau %arned residents to re"ain inside
and alerted the" to possile tornadoes. S%iftly$ %e
scurried around unplugging the television$ personal
co"puter$ and other lightning prone gadgets. hen$the deluge egan. &t rained so fast that the t%o
inches of eJposed pool tile %as s%iftly overco"e
%ith %ater. <atching out the ac! sliding glass
door$ the s!y lit up a fire%or!s display far etter
than any on the ourth of ;uly. <ithin a half hour$
the sun reappeared and a raino% e"erged arely
visile in the <est. he sun set soon after that
vision.
he neJt day$ the front page of the local ne%spaper
pictured the hail stor" that happened 6ust south of
our ho"e. *ail stones piled into drifts so high that
it appeared to have sno%ed in lorida. <ith a usy
schedule$ "y ne% parent found the pictures
a"using$ ut it didn’t co"e together in her "ind
that the stor" held a special "eaning to "e.
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&t %asn’t a %ee! later %hen the clouds arreled in$
again. lorida is prone to sudden tropical stor"s.
Gro%ing up in lorida$ "y fa"ily haituallyunplugs their appliances and pulls out the
flashlights. his stor" too! place after dus!$ thus a
frantic search for atteries for the dead flashlights
ensued. So"eone al%ays leaves one flashlight
urning. ?ou’d thin! %e’d learn to have eJtra
atteries handy.
After this stor" passed$ television vie%ing resu"ed.Bri"e ti"e$ our favorite sho%s lared. he fury of
the rain gave us eJtra energy. (ean%hile$ & san!
into an easy chair to vie% the sho%s %ith ;ulie and
;enny. Suddenly$ a ne%s rea! interrupted. he
ne%s tea" sho%ed pictures of the hail stor" at the
university 6ust south of our ho"e. (y Aunt Cindy
attended that university %ithout having to use the
dor". &t is %ithin driving distance of our house.he neJt day$ as "y aunt tal!ed %ith colleagues
aout the unusual %eather conditions$ a revelation
e"erged$ O@h shoot3P She spo!e aloud to herself
%hile "eandering ac! to her des!. OStacey told
"e she %as going to pray for sno% %ithin driving
distance of our house. he only sno% that can
happen and stic! in lorida is hail. & have to as! her
to stop praying so hard.P
After pic!ing "e up at school$ %e %ent to the
counselor for a pre)planned session. hey planned
to tal! aout disappoint"ents and accepting so"e
grief in life. @n the %ay to this appoint"ent$ the
deate egan$ OAre you still praying for sno%LP
O?es$P & replied.
O<ell$ stop it ecause it already sno%ed t%ice
%ithin driving distance of our ho"e. *o%ever$ the
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only ice that stic!s in lorida is hail. &t is not fun to
play in ecause sno%all fights %ould hurt. ?ou
can’t do a sno%"an$ either. So$ stop praying ecause God has a sense of hu"or and !eeps
ans%ering your pleas %ith hail.P
pon arriving at the counselor$ %ithout pro"pting
fro" Cindy$ the psychologist added$ OStacey$ ho%
co"e & thought of you %hen the hail egan outside
"y office this %ee!L & %ent outside and pic!ed up
so"e of the ice alls.P *er ar" "ade a reaching"otion$ and her hand rose as if she %ere holding a
ge" stone. O& loo!ed at that ice crystal in
a"a#e"ent. (y first thought %as ho% "uch li!e
sno%drifts the piled ice loo!ed. (y neJt thought
%as Stacey has een praying to see sno%$ and God
has een ans%ering her.P
here %as a pause as & strutted and giggled. (y
aunt 'uic!ly eJpressed her feelings aout theincidents$ O& could have driven Stacey to see the
lorida sno% if & %asn’t so asored in finishing a
tas! at %or! efore our vacation.P
O@h$ yeah3 Stacey %anted to go see sno% on her
vacation and illness disrupted it. hen$ she pleaded
to fly off to see sno% instead of going to a each
resort$P he psychologist "entioned.O?eah$ so & !ept praying for sno%3P & added
gleefully.
O&f the hail stor"s are not God crying out to you
Stacey$ then$ *e doesn’t eJist. & have never seen
such a dra"atic "essage fro" God. Surely$ *e
eJists and *e doesn’t hate you3 @viously$ *e
hears your prayers.P
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(y conclusions ended this session$ O(y only regret
is the hail da"aged other’s property especially their
cars. & %ant a cool car %hen & get older. So"e nicecars got %rec!ed y "y prayers.P A"used$ this
session "ar!ed the eginning of the end of "y need
for grief counseling.
&t "ay e odd for a counselor to proclai" ne%s of a
fair and loving God ut "iracles can happen. &
%asn’t on "y rope s%ing$ ut "y "ood !ept flying.
& en6oyed our spring rea!. hen$ the neJtChrist"as$ & got to play in the sno% in >oone$ North
Carolina. hat’s another story.
###
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