st. paul chapter e-mail address: tcfstpaul2012@comcast · 2014. 2. 9. · edition no. 642 7884...

Edition No. 642 7884 Irish Avenue S., Cottage Grove, MN 55016 February/March/April 2014

St. Paul Chapter E-mail address: [email protected] TCF National Office, P.O. Box 3696, Oak Brook, IL 60522 Phone # (toll free) 877.969.0010

The St. Paul Chapter

meets the 2nd Thursday of

each month at

Beaver Lake Lutheran

Church

2280 Stillwater Avenue;

Maplewood, Minnesota

7:00 PM – 9:00 PM

For chapter information call Sandy at (763) 228-2393

NEW Chapter Website: www.stpaulcompassionatefrien

ds.org Chapter Facebook Page

www.facebook.com/TCFStPaul

MEETING TOPICS (We discuss what’s on your mind;

not only the listed topic)

FEBRUARY 13: “Blindsided” – Unexpected triggers when grieving. MARCH 13: "What to Do with 'If Only I Had'" - Dealing with

regret. APRIL 10: Ask-It-Basket –

Anonymously drop a question

or thought in the basket and

we will discuss it as a group.

The

printing and postage for

this edition of the newsletter

was kindly

sponsored by Bill & Barbara

Welke in loving memory of their

daughter, Frances.

The Compassionate Friends, Inc. is a mutual assistance, self-help

organization offering friendship, understanding, and hope to bereaved

families. Anyone who has experienced the death of a child of any age,

from any cause is welcome. Our meetings give parents an opportunity

to talk about their child and about their feelings as they go through

the grieving process. There is no religious affiliation. There are no

membership dues. The purpose of this support group is not to focus

on the cause of death or the age of the child, as it is to focus on being

a bereaved parent, along with the feelings and issues that evolve

around the death experience of a child.

The Mission of The Compassionate Friends: When a child dies, at

any age, the family suffers intense pain and may feel hopeless and

isolated. The Compassionate Friends provides highly personal comfort,

hope, and support to every family experiencing the death of a son or a

daughter, a brother or a sister, or a grandchild, and helps others

better assist the grieving family.

TO OUR NEW MEMBERS

We recognize that it takes great courage to come to the first meeting,

whether you are a bereaved parent, sibling or grandparent of one

month or many years. You are welcome to bring a friend or relative

for moral support if you wish. You will find that it is all right to cry

and to laugh, to share how you feel or just listen. You do not have to

talk at a meeting if you don’t wish to. We welcome your participation,

but it is not a requirement.

TO OUR MEMBERS FURTHER DOWN THE “GRIEF ROAD”

Each meeting we have new parents, siblings and grandparents. THINK

BACK – what would it have been like for you at your first meeting if

there had not been any TCF “veterans” to welcome you, share your

grief, encourage you and tell you, “Your pain will not always be this

bad.” We welcome your presence and support!

INFORMATION REGARDING OUR MEETINGS

This is YOUR group and we are here to support each other. Our

meetings are open to bereaved parents, adult siblings, grandparents,

or adult family members such as aunts or uncles. We hope you will

find our meetings and newsletters to be a comfort, a place where

tears are allowed, no judgments are made, and, in time, that you can

once again find hope and meaning in life.

YOU NEED NOT WALK ALONE. WE ARE THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS.

http://www.stpaulcompassionatefriends.org/http://www.stpaulcompassionatefriends.org/http://www.facebook.com/TCFStPaul

THE ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA CHAPTER OF THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS FEBRUARY/MARCH/APRIL 2014 PAGE-2

ST. PAUL CHAPTER INFORMATION Steering Committee: Jan Navarro, Cori Claugherty, Kim Pietruszewski, Cliff & Sandy Romberg, Carol & Ralph Bauman & Cathy Seehuetter Secretary/Refreshment Coordinator: Cori Claugherty Treasurer: Greg Seehuetter Co-Webmasters: Kim Pietruszewski & Cathy Seehuetter Newsletter Editor: Cathy Seehuetter Library: Carol Bauman Special Events Coordinator: Kim Pietruszewski Facilitators: Cliff Romberg & Cathy Seehuetter Remembrance Cards: Colleen Hines 1st Contact: Sandy Romberg New Member Outreach: Cori Claugherty Sibling Contact: Alyssa Frank Mailing/Folding Newsletters: Carol & Ralph Bauman Chapter Leader/MN Regional Coordinator: Cathy Seehuetter @ 651.459.9341

TELEPHONE FRIENDS ACCIDENTAL/SUDDEN DEATH: (Kim)……………………………………………………….507.351.4042 (Cori)................................................651.402.9482 ILLNESS (Jeanne)……………………………..………….…651.253.8634 ONLY CHILD (Kathy)………………………………….……651.426.2446 INFANT LOSS (Ben & Deanna)………………….……715.553.1152 CHILD WITH SPECIAL NEEDS (Colleen)651.788.7885 SIBLING LOSS: (Alyssa)………………………………..651.528.6073 TODDLER LOSS: (Angela)………………………………970-568-6001 SUICIDE: (Cathy)……………………………………………651.459.9341 GRANDCHILD LOSS: (Carol & Ralph)……………651.739.7058 OCCUPATION-RELATED: (Sandy)……………….763.228-2393 STEPPARENT: (Cliff)………………………………………651.528.6073 DRUG-RELATED: (Anne)………………………………..651.328.4771

OTHER AREA TCF CHAPTERS MINNEAPOLIS: Meets the 3rd Monday of every month at Calvary Lutheran Church, 7520 Golden Valley Road in Golden Valley. Contact Carol at 763.542.8528 for more information. APPLE VALLEY: Meets at 7:00 p.m. on the third Tuesday of each month at Shepherd of the Valley Lutheran Church, 12650 Johnny Cake Rd, Apple Valley. Call Susan at 651.683.9236 for further chapter information.

CONGRATULATIONS to the WEST CENTRAL CHAPTER on 35 YEARS!!!

The West Central Minnesota Chapter of Willmar, MN is celebrating its 35th year as the oldest chapter in Minnesota, the 1st to be chartered in our state. Congratulations to the West Central Chapter on 35 years of giving excellent support and loving care to the bereaved families in the Willmar area.

OTHER SUPPORT GROUPS THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS NATIONAL OFFICE TCF……………………………………..toll free: 1.877.969.0010 E-mail: [email protected] National Website: www.compassionatefriends.org We Need Not Walk Alone, TCF’s national magazine is now available online! Go to www.compassionatefriends.org for further information regarding receiving it online. SUICIDE Survivors of Suicide ………………………………612.922.5830 Suicide Awareness/Voices of Education..952.946.7998 www.SAVE.org Crisis Hotline……………………………………1.800.784.2433 INFANT LOSS Infants Remembered In Silence, Inc. (IRIS) 112 Third St. NE Faribault, MN 55021 (507) 334-4748 www.irisRemembers.com

STEERING COMMITTEE MEETINGS

The St. Paul Chapter enthusiastically welcomes members who are interested in helping with the work of the chapter and its direction. If you would like to find out more information about joining the Steering Committee, please call Cathy at 651.459.9341 for the time and date of our next steering committee meeting.

Articles printed in this newsletter are reflective of the individual writers' views and not necessarily the opinion of the Editor or TCF. As we each grieve differently, we will also find different things to be helpful. Therefore, a variety of views, articles and poems are included in each newsletter to reach out to all of our readers. In accordance with the Principles of The Compassionate Friends, "We treat what is said at meetings as confidential and what we learn about each other as privileged information." In order to protect the privacy of our members, our database, e-mail addresses, and mailing list is used for TCF purposes only.

We have a sibling contact person (see this page for Alyssa's phone number) but do not have a scheduled sibling meeting. However, siblings age 16 and over are always welcome at our regular meetings, as well as contact Alyssa.

We are unable to provide childcare during our meetings. While we understand the difficulties of finding child care, we respectfully ask that any children attending with you be old enough to understand the meeting discussions. We request that attendees be 16 years or older.

mailto:[email protected]://www.compassionatefriends.org/http://www.save.org/http://www.irisremembers.com/


Our Children Remembered

LOVED…MISSED…REMEMBERED ON THEIR BIRTHDAY AND ALWAYS

February

3rd Gracie Joles, niece of Becky Dufresne 17th Cooper, son of Kris Aikens 3rd Nick, son of Roxsanne Opse 26th Kathy Jo Whitehead, daughter of Mary Lou O’Connor 11th Anika Troedsson, daughter of Stephanie Valberg 27th Noah Alexander, son of Sarah & John Jarman 14th Sarah, daughter of Jay & Lisa Thorsland 27th Avery Minne, daughter of Marie LaBreche-Olson

16th Ann-Marie, daughter of Ronele & Jerry Janes March

3rd Tyler, son of Sherri & John Hole 5th Jeffrey David, son of Ken & Diane Olinger

18th Jesse Frank, son/stepson of Sandy & Cliff Romberg, brother of Alyssa Frank

7th Gregory, son of Julie & Don Larson 19th Nathan Montpetit-Hanzel, brother of Nina Montpetit 8th Brittany, daughter of Inge Black 21st Frances, daughter of Bill & Barbara Welke 11th Morgan, son of Kari Olson 25th Cheryl, daughter of Denise & Steve Bjerke

12th John Temujin Guckin, son of Alice Mae Guckin 27th John, brother of Kristy Schauer

14th Robert, son of Pete & Lee Meyerson, brother of Charlie 30th Kayla Hoffman, daughter of Kristy Schauer 16th Joey, son of Diane Nelson 30th Mary Roehrich, daughter of Eileen McCormick

April 3rd Nic Manolovitz, nephew of Neli Frascone 23rd Michael, son of Wendy & Tom Langer, brother of Jim 4th Eric, son of Gary & Kay Yanka, and brother of Joe & Stacy Kern

24th Adam, son of Mark & Linda Triplett, brother of Katrina 26th Jimmy, son of Jim & Cindy Sandberg

4th Lisa Noel Erickson, daughter of Dave & Terre Stevens 26th Audrey Hull, daughter of Harry Hull & Suzi Henrichs 9th Sharon, daughter of Lois Nyman 27th Noah Thomas, son of Angela Miller 10th Michael, Jr., son of Carol & Mike Morgan 28th Christine Flaherty, sister of Rick Monita 12th Zachary, son of Christopher Hoffer 28th Ross, son of Roger Kinetz 12th Adam, son of Josie Ehret 29th April, daughter of Lori & Bill Englund 12th Kellie, daughter of Sue Hanson 30th River Daniel, son of Ben & Deanne Wheeler

16th Marissa Marie, daughter of Nancy Bauer 30th Michelle, daughter of Chuck Winter 17th Brandon Quinn-Gomez, son of Teresa Quinn 30th Paul Michael, son of Mike & Sheryl Staack 18th Greg Rundell, son of Joanne Richardson 30th Anna, daughter of Pat Hurd, niece of Denise & Heather

IN OUR HEARTS AND OUR THOUGHTS ON THEIR REMEMBRANCE DAY

February 3rd Brent, son of Nancy & Jim Hendrickson 23rd Anna, daughter of Pat Hurd, niece of Heather & Denise

9th Lance Matthew, son of Scott & Rhonda Abell 24th Todd, son of Shirley & Don Terhell 11th Devin, son of Missy Aryal 25th Jeffrey, son of Mary Jo Erickson 14th Ann-Marie, daughter of Jerry & Ronele Janes 26th Timothy Keith, son of Ken & Diane Olinger 19th Liam Wiggins, grandson of Lynne Sullivan 27th Avery Minne, daughter of Marile LaBreche-Olson 19th Tyler, son of John & Sherri Hole 29th Kyle, son of Ken & Karen Hannemann, brother of 20th Robert, son of Lee & Pete Meyerson, brother of Charlie Kristin Garrett

March

1st Ray, brother of Leigh Ann Ahmad 16th Joey, son of Diane Nelson 1st Anne, daughter of Ed Kraft 17th Kyle, son of Joan & Greg Joswiak, brother of Rose 1st …David, son of Laurie & Rodney Ogard 21st Shelly Buchanan, daughter of Carol Malek 2nd Noah Alexander, son of John & Sarah Jarman 24th Julia Ann Bartlett, daughter of Carol Konkle

3rd Gregory, son of Don & Julie Larson 25th Brandon Quinn-Gomez, son of Teresa Quinn 5th Jeffrey David, son of Diane & Ken Olinger

8th Kathy Jo Whitehead, daughter of Mary Lou O’Connor

25th Sarah Bachman Busch, daughter of Randall Bachman

26th Greg Rundell, son of Joanne Richardson

10th Sharon, daughter of Lois Nyman 26th Jami Agudelo, daughter of Pat Ossell 10th Kayla Hoffman, daughter of Kristy Schauer 28th Anika Troedsson, daughter of Stephanie Valberg 11th Patrick, son of Julie Niemi, brother of Allan & Joe 15th…John Temujin Guckin & John Tyler Guckin, son & grandson of Alice Mae Guckin

30th Jim, son of Anne & Tony Genia

April

5th Michelle, daughter of Chuck Winter 10th Becky, daughter of Cindy Novak 5th April, daughter of Lori & Bill Englund 14th Maren Linn, daughter of Jennifer & Jeff Kissell 5th Renee Thompson, daughter of Linda Hurst 15th Erin, daughter of Colleen & David Hines 6th Lisa Noel Erickson, daughter of Terre & Dave Stevens 17th Nicholas, son of Becky & Tom Ogren 7th Elizabeth, daughter of Corrine Rockstad 18th Johnathon, son of Lyle & Kerrie Pohlen (Continued on page 4)


(Remembrance Dates - continued from page 3)

18th Casey, son of Gena Bailey 19th Jason, son of Kim Norbeck, brother of Holly

21st Audrey Hull, daughter of Harry Hull & Suzi Henrichs

27th Sgt. Lawrence Paulsen, son of Leona Eishen’ 30th Frances, daughter of Barbara & Bill Welke Sincerest apologies for omitting the following names from the Remembrance page in the November/December 2013/January 2014 edition of

the newsletter: - Shelly Buchanan, daughter of Carol Malek, born on January 17th. - Germain Juliette Vigeant, daughter of Laurel Vigeant, who died on January 27th.

“LOVE GIFTS” are tax-deductible donations given in memory of our children or other loved ones by family, friends, or others who wish to help with

the work of the St. Paul Chapter. Our chapter is self-supporting and donations fund our chapter activities,

such as meeting supplies and featured speakers; annual Candle Lighting and Balloon Release programs; special events; resources such as books, pamphlets and outreach materials for the newly bereaved families; postage and

printing for newsletters and flyers, meeting supplies, and much more. Our chapter would not exist without your help. Thank you very much to those who donated “Love Gifts”

and also to all who contribute to the free-will donation basket at our meetings. We sincerely appreciate your

support!!! “Love Gifts” were given in memory by the following: - Gary & Kay Yanka for their son, Eric - Mary Ann Pojar for her son, John - Bob and Nancy Snow for their daughter, Allie

- Joe & Denise Kirby for their daughter, Nicole Mary - Greg and Donna Land, Brent and Sherilyn for their son and brother, Bobby - Mike and Sheryl Staack for their son, Paul - Anne & Jason Cade, for their son, Daniel Scott - Julie & Don Larson for their son, Gregory Shawn

- Mary Jo Erickson for her son, Jeffrey

- Jackie Bandzak for her son, Derek Grabinski - Jerry & Virginia Kressin for his daughter, Joann - Glenn & Nancy Bauer for their daughter, Marissa - Marcia & David Preller for their son, Michael - Jim & Cindy Sandberg for their son, Jimmy - Jeanne & Bob Walz for their daughter, Kelly Jeanne -

Thompson - Carol & Tom Nace for their son, Tommy - Corrine Rockstad for her daughter, Elizabeth Ann - Mark & Linda Triplett & Katrina for their son and brother, Adam - Shane & Mavis Goldstein for their daughter, Aimee - Laurel Vigeant for her daughter Germain Juliette

- Colleen & David Hines for their daughter, Erin

- Chuck & Donna Harstad for their son, Jeff - Cheryl McColley for her son, Tony McColley - Mardell & Richard Cavanaugh for their granddaughter, Angela Klover

- Roxsanne Opse for her son, Nick

- Ronele & Jerry Janes for their daughter, Ann-Marie - Eileen McCormick for her daughter, Mary McCormick Roehrich - Linda Bergan for her son, Derek & grandson, Layson - Sue Ward for her son, Levi - Carol Malek for her children, Jesse and Shelly Buchanan

- Harlan & Ellie Plumb for their granddaughter, Kristina “Nina” Westmoreland - John & Nancy Price for their son, Ian - Lynne Sullivan for her grandson, Liam Wiggins - Steve Wertz for his stepson, William “Bill” Achterling - Lonnie Bohnen for her son, Brett

- Marlene Keyser for her son, John - Shirley & Don Terhell for their son, Todd

- Bill & Barbara Welke for their daughter, Frances - Tom & Laura Burback for their son, Thomas Noel Jr. - Kathy & Al Lesnau for their son, Charlie - Dan Westmoreland for his niece/goddaughter, Kristina “Nina” Westmoreland

- Randall Bachman for his daughter, Sarah Bachman Busch Donations were also made (without a donor’s name) for David Riggs, Trevor Budd, Lauren Hanson, and Jim Genia

BIRTHDAY & REMEMBRANCE TABLE

I f it is the birthday or remembrance month of your child, sibling, or grandchild (or someone who was

like a child to you, such as a niece or nephew), we invite you to use

the Birthday & Remembrance Table at our meetings to display photos

or other mementos. We do this to celebrate their lives and to share this day with others who understand how important it is for us to acknowledge these dates. You can also bring a special treat or even a birthday cake to share if you wish; even if you don’t regularly come to meetings,

please come and share your loved one with us.

SPONSORING A NEWSLETTER

Our chapter members have an opportunity to remember

their child, sibling, or grandchild by sponsoring the printing

and/or postage of an edition of our newsletter. With increasing costs for postage and printing, the newsletter is our chapter's largest expense (mailed 4 times a year), yet one of our most important means of outreach and support for our present and future members.

- Cost of printing the newsletter: approximately $175-$200 - Cost of postage: approximately $75-$125 (depending on pages and weight of paper) Your sponsorship will be acknowledged in the newsletter—and you can add a photo (see front page of this newsletter). To sponsor call Cathy at 651.459.9341 or

[email protected].

mailto:[email protected]


WE TALK, WE LISTEN, WE SHARE, WE CARE, WE

UNDERSTAND

If you have attended a Compassionate Friends meeting,

you may have left feeling overwhelmed and emotionally drained; or you may have felt a great sense of relief

knowing that you found an environment of support and understanding. Your reactions may be varied. Each of us remembers how difficult it was to walk through the

meeting-room doors for the first time or maybe more. With the heavy load of grief that you are carrying, you may

feel that you cannot bear to hear about all the pain that is shared at meetings. Consequently, you may have

decided not to return. We would like to let you know that these feelings are common to all of our members, many of

whom resolved not to expose themselves to such anguish

again, but were drawn back by the knowledge that they were among those who “know how you feel”. Please give us at least three tries or more before you decide whether or not the meetings are for you. You will find a network of caring and support which will help you as you travel this journey of grief and assuredly find hope along the way. We

truly care and want you to know that you need not walk alone.

INTRO OF OUR CHAPTER’S VOLUNTEERS

Each newsletter edition, I would like to introduce a St. Paul chapter volunteer. This edition, meet the kind lady who lovingly makes the cards you receive on your loved ones’

birthday and remembrance day: Colleen Hines. Colleen

took over for long-time card sender/talented card-maker, Kathy Lesnau, and has also done a marvelous job of carefully crafting cards to let our members know that their child, sibling, grandchild, niece or nephew is remembered by our chapter on what can be difficult days. Our members say when it feels like no one else has remembered their

loved one that our chapter does with the lovely, thoughtful cards sent and made by Colleen. She does this in loving memory of her and husband David’s precious daughter, Erin. Colleen is also our chapter’s “telephone friend” for those whose child died and had special needs, and a second set of eyes to help me catch mistakes on page 3.

Thank you, Colleen, for your compassionate volunteerism!

SAVE THE DATE: TCF REGIONAL CONFERENCE IN

ROCHESTER, MINNESOTA!

We are excited to announce that there will be a TCF regional conference in October 2-4, 2015 at the Kahler

Grand Hotel in Rochester, MN. Darwyn and Mary Tri, co-leaders of the Rochester Chapter, and I will be co-chairs for that special event! Though a year and a half away, it will be here before we know it. We are already in the early planning stages and have some phenomenal speakers already lined up. Stayed tuned for more details as they become known. We will need lots of volunteers in many

different areas to help, so please let us know if you would like to help us ~ there will be many different opportunities you can help make this a fabulous opportunity to the parents, siblings and grandparents in our region.

NEWSLETTER RENEWAL & PERMISSION FORMS VERY IMPORTANT! If you have not already done so, PLEASE return the yearly form that tells us if you would

like to continue receiving the newsletter and giving us

permission to print your child/sibling/grandchild’s name on page 3. It is very important that I receive your signed permission or I will have to remove your name from the mailing/e-mailing list. I never like to do that because I think the newsletter is such an important resource and, for many, the only support connection on their grief journey

with articles and poems written by bereaved families, chapter and national TCF information, etc. If you need another form. I can either mail it to you or send it to you through email. If you have any questions you can call me at 651.459.9341 or email at [email protected]

TCF 2014 National Conference

The Compassionate Friends is pleased to announce that

Chicago, Illinois, will be the site of the 37th TCF National Conference on July 11-13, 2014. "Miles of Compassion

through The Winds of Hope" is the theme of this year's event, which promises more of last year's great national conference experience. The 2014 conference will be held at the Hyatt Regency O'Hare in Rosemont, just minutes from the airport. We'll keep you updated with details here, on the national website as well as on our TCF/USA Facebook

Page and elsewhere as they become available. Plan to come and be a part of this heartwarming experience.

Early registration for the conference will be $90.00 for

Adults, $40.00 for Children (9-17), and $40.00 for Full-Time College Students. Online registration will be available starting March 1.

The Hyatt Regency O'Hare, 9300 Bryn Mawr Ave., Rosemont, IL 60018, is now accepting reservations for TCF's National Conference. Conference attendees are receiving a discounted room rate. We anticipate a large attendance for the conference, so we encourage you to make your reservation as soon as it is convenient for you.

You can make reservations through the TCF national website at www.compassionatefriends.org or by calling the hotel directly at 888.421.1442 and please mention “The Compassionate Friends” when reserving your room. Please visit www.rosemont.com for information on local area dining and activities. Hope to see you there; you won’t want to miss this opportunity closer to home!

mailto:[email protected]://www.facebook.com/TCFUSAhttps://www.facebook.com/TCFUSAhttp://www.compassionatefriends.org/http://www.rosemont.com/


NAME STONES

Since I met Jim & Sandy Crowley of Engravable Images over a decade ago at a craft fair in Oakdale and held one of their name stones in my hand and I ran my fingers over

Nina’s name engraved on it, I thought that others might feel the same sensation that I did. It felt good to me to hold that stone during the meetings, feel it warm in the

palm of my hand, and in many ways it calmed me. I knew then that I wanted everyone in our chapter to have one to hold at meetings. So I began ordering stones to keep at our chapter meetings for anyone who would like a stone with their precious ones’ name on it. I also liked the idea that Nina’s name was visible each meeting as we always

take out our name stones to display on the sign-in table and knew everyone would feel the same. We love to see their names! Our chapter orders one for whoever wants a stone to keep here at chapter meetings. Many have asked where they

could order one for themselves to keep at home. Here is

the address to order them from the Crowley’s, who have been wonderful to our chapter for all these years. To order you can either call them at 218-879-5772, or email at [email protected]; or go to their website at http://www.engravableimages.com/ or order by mail at Engravable Images; 913 Granite St; Cloquet,

MN 55720. Please tell them you are a member of the St. Paul Chapter of TCF and perhaps you could thank them for the beautiful work they have done for our chapter over the years : )

GRIEF

Grief: is sometimes silent, like

snowflakes falling on a dark winter’s night… but never peaceful or serene or pretty like the pure white snow. When grief is silent, the tears seem to turn to ice, like the snowflakes,

before they reach our eyes. Grief: is sometimes raging, like a monstrous thunderstorm with all its fury and lots of lightning striking our hearts at every angle. When grief is raging, the tears come on torrents, like the rain, and flood our soul.

Grief: whether it be silent or raging… Hurts. ~Verne Smith, TCF, Ft. Worth, Texas

THE WOUNDED HEART

Children have preceded their parents in death for eons of

time. We are not first, nor will we be the last to enter the

realm of “Bereaved Parents”. But for now ~ right now ~ it

is OUR HEARTS that are freshly wounded and OUR HEARTS

in need of mending. Wounded hearts must be allowed to

mourn and lament their loss, to pour out their pain, agony,

sadness, hurt and anger, and to release their well of tears.

Wounded hearts need to be wrapped in quietness,

gentleness and compassion, away from the turmoil of daily

life. A wounded heart not allowed to mend from the depth

of its agony, will be an abscess ~ to swell and undermine ~

erupting at a distant time. Or, suppressed, it will slowly

choke the spirit of its host. Only the bearer will know when

his heart has healed. The wounded heart, encouraged and

given the time and freedom to mend, will carry in its

chambers the memory and shared love of a precious child. ~Nancy Green, TCF, Livonia, MI

VALENTINE'S DAY (SEALED WITH A KISS)

Remember how we used to write to those we

loved the best? Our letters we would fill with hopes and dreams

and seal them with a kiss. To you our child, we write today - and wish we

could impart,

The hopes and dreams that once we had, now

crush our breaking hearts. The thoughts of what we had planned for you

float through our wishful minds, Then burst like bubbles in the air, while dreams

explode with time. And yet we still have hope and still dream on,

and think of all we'll miss,

And wish with all our hearts we could write to you, and seal it with a kiss.

The grief we have for you is like a weight upon our chests,

There's no way we can ignore it - it never gives us rest.

And no words could ever tell of our longings to

express, to write a love letter to you, our child, and to

seal it with a kiss. And if we had but one chance more to write to

you today, The words would come with no regrets and we'd

like for them to say ... "To love and to be loved by you, our child ... an

honor and so blest, Our time on earth cut short, it's true ... But We

Sealed it With a Kiss."

~Faye McCord, TCF/ Jackson, MS Chapter

mailto:[email protected]://www.engravableimages.com/


LOVE NEVER GOES AWAY

By Darcie D. Sims, Ph.D.

"Why does it hurt so much? Why is this grief so incapacitating? If only the hurt weren’t so crushing." Sound familiar? All

of us have known hurts before, but none of our previous "ouches" can compare with the hurt we now feel. Nothing can

touch the pain of burying a child. Yet, most of us have discovered that the sun still comes up. We still have to function. We did not die when our child did, even though we wished we could have. So…we are stuck with this pain, this grief, and what do we do with it? Surely we can’t live like THIS forever!

There are no magic formulas for surviving grief. There are a few commonly recognized patterns for grief, but even those are only guide-lines. What we do know is that the emptiness will never go away. It will become tolerable and livable… some day.

TIME…the longest word in our grief. We used to measure TIME by the steps of our child…the first word, first tooth, first date, first car…now we don’t have that measure anymore. All we have is TIME, and it only seems to make the hurt worse. So what do we do? Give ourselves TIME…to hurt, to grieve, and to cry. TIME to choke, to scream. TIME to be "crazy" and TIME to remember. Be nice to yourself! Don’t measure your progress against anyone else’s. Be your own timekeeper.

Don’t push. Eventually you will find the hours and days of grief have turned to minutes and their moments… but don’t expect them to go away. We will always hurt. You don’t get over grief…it only becomes tolerable and livable.

Change your focus a bit. Instead of dwelling on how much you lost – try thinking the good memories come over you as easily as the awful ones do. We didn’t lose our child…HE/SHE DIED. We didn’t lose the love that flowed between us…it still flows, but differently now.

Does it help to know that if we didn’t love so very much it would not hurt so badly? Grief is the price we pay for love. And as much as it hurts, I’m very, very glad I loved.

Don’t let death cast ugly shadows, but rather warm memories of loving times you shared. Even though death comes, LOVE NEVER GOES AWAY

SUGGESTIONS FOR VALENTINE’S DAY WHEN GRIEVING A LOVED

ONE

Marty Tousley at Self-Healing Expressions suggests ways to honor and remember your lost loved on Valentine’s Day. Try these methods of self-expression to keep your loved one close on this special day, if you don’t want to “let go” of the memory:

Write, if that’s how you express yourself. Journal about your feelings, write a letter to your loved one, or write a poem or story to remember your feelings and experiences.

Donate a book on coping with loss to your local library, with a special note inside to show it’s in memory of your loved one.

Create a memorial by decorating and lighting a special candle, or light a virtual candle online.

Choose a Valentine’s card or gift that you wish your loved might have bought for you, and give it to yourself in honor of them.

APRIL~SPRING

April is too early in Minnesota for most flowers to be planted. A hard frost is very possible into mid May, but I dig in the dirt and get it ready When life dares to continue on despite our pain ---and wondering how it possibly can—digging and

pounding the soil does mean, at least on a subconscious level, that life does go on. I need to grow just as the flowers surely will. I believe Mike would want nothing less of me. While I am waiting to plant we can enjoy the

hyacinths, daffodils, and tulips, which are blooming. And we can always buy flowers for the house for cheer.

We’ve had enough pain ~ we deserve it! ~ Darlene Nelson, TCF/South Central MN-New Ulm

“The heart hath its own memory, like the mind. And in it are enshrined the precious keepsakes into which is

wrought the givers’ loving thoughts.” -H. W. Longfellow

http://www.selfhealingexpressions.com/grief_on_valentines_day.shtmlhttp://www.gratefulness.org/candles/enter.cfm?l=eng


GRIEF: AN ACT OF LOVE

“I had a child who died.” How simple these words are, yet how painful they are to say. The death of a child is the

harshest blow life has to offer; it destroys our trust in the world at the most basic level. Grief is our total response to the death of a child; our body, mind, emotions and spirit all react to the loss. While many of us wish to stop the intense grief work we are doing, we find it impossible for many

reasons. First, grief is an act of love, not a lack of strength or faith. The more we loved our child, the greater will be our grief. The more integrated our lives were with the life of our child, the more we will miss his or her very presence. The intensity of our grief is often representative of the

intensity of our love. Second, grief is a necessary process that we must go through in order to maintain our wholeness and sanity. If we do not grieve, we will not heal. One of the earliest and

hardest lessons we bereaved parents learn is that men and women grieve differently. Women, in general, grieve more openly than do men, and women on the whole, are more

comfortable verbally expressing their feelings of loss. While segments of our culture dictate that it is more “manly” not to cry, we know this is not true. In fact, it has recently been found that tears of sadness contain an enzyme which inhibits the concentration of gastric acids, therefore, crying during times of stress will actually decrease the incidence of gastric ulcers many of us develop as a result of our loss.

Grief work also helps us to complete unfinished business with our child and close the past relationship that we had. We will never “get over” the loss of our child, nor would we ever really want to. We are who we are partly because of our relationship to that child. Our lives will

always be influenced by our son or daughter, but most of

us will eventually learn to live a meaningful life, despite our tragedy. Our child will always be with us in spirit and in love and we often feel a need to hold on to tangible items, such as toys or clothes, to maintain that feeling of closeness. But, intense grief work allows us to let go of the relationship we had and create a new relationship with our child. Our remembrances, love and feelings of oneness with

our child can never be destroyed. I cannot see or touch my Philip, but I vividly remember him. I have completed earthly mothering, but I still have an intense mother-child relationship with my son. Grief over the death of a child is the hardest work that most of us will ever do. While we all wish for the pain to stop, we need to remember that we grieve intensely

because we loved intensely. It is unrealistic to expect the grief to ever totally go away, because the love we have for our child will never go away.

Our grief is an act of love and is nothing for which we should be ashamed.

~ Elaine Grier, Philip’s Mom, TCF/Atlanta, GA chapter

“Love is stronger than death even though it can’t stop death from happening, but no matter how hard death tries it can’t separate people from love. It can’t take away our memories either. In the end, life is stronger than death.” ~ Author unknown

WHERE DOES THE SISTER COME IN?

My brother was killed.

He was murdered for no reason at all.

My pain is so sharp, so close. But they think I

shouldn’t be suffering as much…

As much as his wife, who grieves for her love

and her future.

As much as his son,

who will never know his daddy. As much as his parents, who have lost their only

son, their first born, their child.

I have lost my closest friend;

the man I admired most in my world; the person I spent most of my free time with –only for the

company; the person I played Yahtzee with until 2:00am, knowing

I’d beat him soon; the boy I grew up with and followed around constantly;

the love that only a brother and sister can know; the respect he had for me;

the talks and the personal jokes.

I have lost my brother. It hurts just as much.

~ Bridgette Huard, Yakima, WA/TCF

NOT GUILT, REGRET

One of our basic responsibilities as parents is to keep our children safe from harm. So, when anything happens to them, we feel guilty whether we could realistically have done anything or not. When the ultimate tragedy occurs, we are devastated. How could we let it happen? Why didn’t we stop it? If we have compounded our guilt with any

degree of human error of commission or omission, we are beyond devastation. Even words, whether of anger or left unspoken, haunts us. Guilt implies intent. If we intended to harm our child, we can feel guilty about that. If we never intended harm to ever, ever come to our child, the correct name for emotion is regret. The crushing pain is still there, but regret is softer, gentler, less judgmental, and easier to

forgive and to heal. It is also more accurate. If that name doesn’t feel strong enough for our feelings, it will in time. Let it float there and try it now and then. Not guilt – we feel regret. ~ We Need Not Walk Alone, Summer Edition 2004


THE MAGIC OF YOU What can I do to get better? This is the

question most often asked by newly

bereaved parents, as if the right actions could work a miracle. They are seeking easy rules, methods or steps of healing. But there are none. There are no special words, no miraculous system, no magic wand to take the pain away. There is only time, hard work, and compassionate

support. Grief is a process which must be allowed to function thoroughly in order for healing to take place. There are no short cuts; Attempts to ease the process such as through alcohol or drugs often end either in disaster or in complicating the grief process. There is no magic. There is only you, the bereaved

person, who must decide yourself to work within the process to resolve your grief. No one else can do it for you but others can help by

supporting your grief rather than searching for magic words to wish it away. Others can help within The Compassionate Friends by providing models of healed parents who are willing to listen and share.

You can help yourself by being patient with grief instead of searching for easy methods. You can help yourself by learning about the grief process. You can help yourself by sharing your story with others and listening to their stories. You can help yourself by reaching out to others, for helping others is the source of your own healing. Magic pills or incantations? There are none. Look to

yourself. The Compassionate Friends can help, but you alone determine the progress of your grief. The magic of healing is within you. ~ Marcia Alig, TCF Mercer Area, NJ

THE CHILD WHO WASN'T PERFECT

I cannot say, as I have heard other parents say, "My child has always been a joy and a pleasure; never gave me a minute's trouble." I cannot say that. I had a son who was always trouble. He was born cross and irritable, a real trial from the word "go." He seemed to be in protest at having been born, from his very first breath and outcry, through the rest of his life. His 37 years

of life were one outcry of protest, misery and unhappiness. He expressed his tormented spirit through music, poetry and a beautiful American Indian spirituality. But in spite of the pain that was in is heart, he had a wide smile and a hearty, big laugh that belied the torment that raged

inside him. He had a strange, mysterious wild charm, to which all who met him fell victim.

He seemed to be born in the wrong time, the wrong culture, with a crippled spirit, and a body that carried a

fatal flaw: addiction. He put himself and his family through the agony of the damned. Step by step he destroyed himself, as we watched with grieving hearts. He rejected every effort

to save him. Then came that fateful week. Some mystery reached out for him. His body, his spirit defied every weapon at science's disposal to diagnose and save him-one by one

his vital functions failed—and he was GONE.

The word "forever" suddenly had a new and terrible meaning. So, he was hard to love. BUT WE LOVED HIM EVERY STEP OF THE WAY.

We had him because we wanted him and we loved him

every minute of his life. Our grief has been no less because he was not a perfect child. It has just been an extension of the grief we lived with all those years, as we watched him destroy himself; an extension of the agony that we were helpless against--the "MONSTER" called addiction that destroyed him.

Yesterday was his birthday. I longed for the sight and sound of him, and that wild, melancholy charm that vanished a year and a half ago. My heart stays full of tears, they are always just beneath the surface. I struggle daily to keep them out of sight of my fellow man, who does not want to share my pain.

So I come home and sit on my porch in the dark, listen to the rain or the night sounds and stare into space. And I

cry--and I cry--and I cry for my CHILD WHO WASN'T PERFECT. ~Jane Miller, Lee’s Mom, TCF/Atlanta, GA

MARCH WINDS

He raced against the wind as if his very life depended on it.

Eyes bright, cheeks glowing from the still chilly March wind,

Throwing me a smile now and then to make sure I was watching.

I was, and when I caught a smile I applauded.

His effort so great for one small boy.

I don’t remember now if his kite ever flew –

But I remember the day – the nip in the air –

his cheeks glowing – his fresh clean smell – My afternoon of playing catch with smiles…

I remember every year when March winds begin to blow. Even if he had not died long after the age of flying kites,

I would still remember. Maybe if he were still here

teaching his own small boy the delicate art of flying kites

and catching his own smiles, it wouldn’t hurt so much

when March winds begin to blow.

~ From “Songs from the Edge” by Faye Harden

“If only” is the whip with which we lash ourselves. If only I had not bought him a motorcycle…

If only I had not let her cross the street alone… If only I had forbidden him to drive while he was

so tired… If only I had not permitted the surgery…

If only I had not waited for the ambulance… If only I had waited for trained personnel to

move her…

If only I were an all-knowing, all powerful God, I would not have allowed my child to die.

But I am only human

~Theresa Hutchison, TCF Norman OK


VALENTINE MESSAGE I send this message to my child

Who no longer walks this plane,

A message filled with love Yet also filled with pain. My heart continues to skip a beat When I ponder your early death As I think of times we’ll never share

I must stop to catch my breath. Valentine’s Day is for those who love And for those who receive love, too For a parent the perfect love in life Is the love I’ve given you.

I’m thinking of you this day, my child, With a sadness that is unspoken

As I mark another Valentine’s Day With a heart that is forever broken. ~Annette Mennen Baldwin In memory of my son, Todd Mennen TCF, Katy, TX

CROCUS In the front garden, close by the door, Bloom golden crocus, they’ve been there before. When you were quite little, so young

and so small, We planted some

dozens one day in the fall. They slept over the winter, there under the snow, Then in the springtime, bloomed with a glow.

You learned about flowers, how they sleep and they grow, You loved so to find them peeking out from the snow. You had such a wonder, you loved life so much! Do these early blossoms

remember your touch? They’ll bloom there again, year after

year, A small drop of sunshine, a small golden tear. ~ Joan Schmidt, TCF/ Central Jersey

BORN STILL

I carried you in hope,

the long nine months of

my term, remembered that close hour when we

made you, often felt you kick and move

as slowly you grew within me,

wondered what you would look like when your wet head emerged,

girl or boy, and at what glad moment I should hear your birth cry,

and I welcoming you with all you needed of warmth and

food; we had a home waiting for you.

After my strong laboring, sweat cooled on my limbs,

my small cries merging with the summer air,

you came. You did not cry.

You did not breathe. We had not expected this;

it seems your birth had no meaning, Or had you rejected us?

They will say that you did not live, register you as stillborn.

but you lived for me all that time

in the dark chamber of my womb, and when I think of you now,

perfect in your death, I know that for me you are born still;

I shall carry you with me forever,

my child, you were always mine,

you are mine now. Death and life are the same mysteries

~ Leonard Clark

I NEVER BELIEVED... I never believed I would see another season change with gladness. I never

believed I would see the world again without the haze of tears. I never expected to actually laugh again. I never felt my smile would return and feel natural on my face. I never hoped for another day when I would not want

to die. I never envisioned a world that

could again be bright and full of promise. I believed that all that had passed from me the day he died and went away, never to return. But I was wrong, and I know that in

the fullness of your grieving, you too will come to understand that life goes on...that it can still have meaning...that even joy can touch your life once more.

~ Don Hackett, TCF

PRAYER FOR SPRING

Like Springtime, let me unfold

and grow fresh and new

from this cocoon of grief that has been spun around me. Help me face the harsh reality

of sunshine and renewed life as my bones still creak from

the winter of my grief.

Life has dared to go on around me. As I recover from the insult

of life’s continuance, I readjust my focus to

include recovery and growth as a possibility in my future.

Give me strength to break out of the cocoon of my grief,

But may I never forget it as

the place where I grew my wings; Becoming a new person

because of my loss. ~Janice Heil

Coquitlam, BC Canada

YES. GRANDPARENTS DO

GRIEVE!

Thank God, someone stepped up and

said, "Hey! This child was and is my grandchild! And I hurt too!" Not

looking for sympathy, but wanting the world to know that yes, the mother

and father are hurting from the loss of their little angels, but Grandma and

Grandpa loved these children with their hearts and souls. Totally

unconditionally! I read these letters that are sent to me, every day.

My heart hurts for these parents for

the loss of their children. But, please,

let us not forget any of the grandparents whose loss is twofold. One for their child who is hurting so

badly and for the loss of their grandchildren. I always thought my grandchildren would outlive me. At

least that's the way it's supposed to

be. It doesn't always work out that way. So yes, my heart also hurts for

the grandparents too. ~Wanda Bryant TCF, Vidalia, GA


IN THE SPRINGTIME OF YOUR GRIEF Spring has fragile beginnings; a tiny shoot of green that emerges from the

cold earth, a hint of pastel against the brownish grass, a bud that awakens

with the morning sun. Sometimes spring comes so quietly we almost miss it, but once it begins, it is impossible to ignore the daily growth and change. The morning sun brings sounds that were not there before. The breeze carries warmth that invites us to venture outside of ourselves. A promise is released with the budding and blossoming surrounding us. Hope emerges for the beginning of a new season; change is in the air.

What we experience in the springtime of the year is what we experience in the springtime of our grief. There begins to be a glowing radiance. The radiance is not just around us; it is within us. A gradual warming of the heart silences the chill of intense pain. The natural unfolding of the grief process moves gently to remind us that we will survive. Life is changing and growth emerges

through the changes. The song of our hearts that seemed off key begins to experience a harmonious blend of the past and the present. The songs of the birds invite us to join them in a celebration of new life. In the springtime of

our grief, there can be a new song for us to sing. It will be a song we have composed through the heartache of loss. Optimism for a better day may awaken us one morning. Hearing laughter and

realizing that it is coming from ourselves gives us promise for today. Dreams and hopes for a better tomorrow shine brightly with the morning sun. Surviving the winter of our grief with the openness to embrace change is a decision to embrace loss and integrate its impact into the fabric of our lives. It can be a willingness to explore new possibilities that create a different landscape to behold. We can make a decision that we will begin to appreciate what we still have, not focus on what is missing.

We will know when we have made that decision. Something buds; something opens. The harshness of winter is softened with new life and new growth. It is not something we can force; it is something that unfolds when the time is

right. The springtime of grief arrives with no dramatic entrance, no flashing lights. The stillness of the beauty unfolds and captures our attention. It is

happening around us, but it is also happening in us. If spring has already crossed the path of your personal journey of grief, rejoice! But if the chill of winter remains in your heart, be encouraged; spring is on its way. Look for it, expect it, and it will be yours to experience around you and in you! ~Judi Fisher, Cleveland, Ohio

EASTER AND PASSOVER This is the month for celebrating Easter and Passover, family holidays and family gatherings. Again, as bereaved parents, especially if we are newly bereaved parents, we pause and must make a decision as to how and if we are going to proceed as we have in former years, before the death of our

children. For both holidays, there is the “children’s hour” so to speak. For

Easter, there have always been the Easter parade, Easter eggs, and the Easter bunny. For Passover, there have been matzoh, the Seder with the recitation of the Four Questions, and the participation of the youngest child.

So, again, what to do? Both Easter and Passover are holidays in which children are strongly involved. To see that empty chair at the table, to know that the missing child is no longer with us can be devastating, especially after the first or second anniversary of the death. As with other holidays, there are

no pat answers, no magic formulas. If you can talk, talk about your child during the holidays. At our home, we have made it a ritual to remember our

son at the beginning of the Passover Seder. Please handle these holidays any way you can. There are no rules. DO IT YOUR WAY. ~ Dave Ziv, TCF/ Bucksmont Chapter, PA

AT FIRST

At first My very name was grief,

my eyes saw only grief,

my thoughts were grief. and everything I touched

was turned to grief.

But now I own the light of memories.

My eyes can see you, and my thoughts can know you

for what you really are: more than a young life lost,

more than a radiance gone into night.

Today you have become

a gift beyond grief, a treasure to my world--- though you have left my world and me behind.

EASTER THOUGHT

One more winter overcome, One more darkness turned to light.

Winter is the price for spring. Struggle is the price for life.

Even in sorrow,

Remember to prepare your heart For celebration –

Next spring perhaps.

Or the spring after that…

~written by Sascha (both above)

I REMEMBER ANOTHER SPRING

Each year when azaleas bloom,

I remember another spring. That one wore a pall.

The rain would not stop.

It poured into the open grave of my son.

It poured deep into my heart. I was sure it would never stop.

It did, though I sometimes wished it hadn’t.

I was stuck between forgetting and remembering.

Remembering won.

Now I see his face in the azaleas. They bloomed that spring while he

died. I no longer hold it against them.

~ Fay Harden, TCF Atlanta, GA

The Compassionate Friends/St. Paul Chapter c/o Cathy Seehuetter

7884 Irish Avenue South Cottage Grove, MN 55016-2072

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st. paul chapter e-mail address: tcfstpaul2012@comcast · 2014. 2. 9. · edition no. 642 7884...

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