– DIRECTOR'S SCRIPT –

Book & Lyrics by ERIC IDLE

Music by JOHN DU PREZ & ERIC IDLE From the original screenplay by

Graham Chapman, John Cleese, Terry Gilliam, Eric Idle, Terry Jones, Michael Palin

Original Broadway Production produced by Boyett Ostar Productions, The Shubert Organization, Arielle Tepper Madover, Stephanie McClelland/Lawrence Horowitz,

Elan V McAllister/Allan S. Gordon, Independent Producers Network, Roy Furman, GRS Associates, Jam Theatricals, TGA Entertainment & Live Nation

Original Broadway Production produced by Boyett Ostar Productions, The Shubert Organization, Arielle Tepper Madover, Stephanie McClelland/Lawrence Horowitz,

Elan V McAllister/Allan S. Gordon, Independent Producers Network, Roy Furman, GRS Associates, Jam Theatricals, TGA Entertainment & Live Nation

“Knights Of The Round Table” – Music by Neil Innes, Lyrics by Graham Chapman & John Cleese,

“Brave Sir Robin” – Music by Neil Innes, Lyrics by Eric Idle, from “Monty Python & the Holy Grail,” published by EMI/Python (Monty) Pictures.

“Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life” – Music & Lyrics by Eric Idle, “Finland” – Music & Lyrics by Michael Palin, published by Python (Monty) Pictures.

All other songs published by Rutsongs Music & Ocean Music Ltd. © 2004

THE PLACE Medieval England and Here

THE TIME 932A.D. and Now

CHARACTERS KING ARTHUR (Late 30s-60s.): The King of England who sets out on a quest to form the Knights of the Roundtable and find the Holy Grail. Great Humor. Good singer. SIR ROBIN (30s-40s): A Knight of the Roundtable. Ironically called 'Sir Robin the Brave,' though he couldn't be more cowardly. Joins the Knights for the singing and dancing. Also plays GUARD 1 and BROTHER MAYNARD, a long-winded monk. SIR LANCELOT d/b/a LANCE (30s-40): A Knight of the Roundtable. He is fearless to a bloody fault but through a twist of fate, does discover his 'softer side.' This actor MUST be great with character voices and accents, as he also plays THE FRENCH TAUNTER, an arrogant, condescending, over-the-top Frenchman, the KNIGHT OF NI, an absurd, cartoonish leader of a peculiar group of Knights, and TIM THE ENCHANTER, a ghostly being with a Scottish accent. PATSY (30s-40s:) King Arthur's horse and servant. Underappreciated but always longing for King Arthur's approval. Good, funny, physical mover with some tap dancing. Also plays MAYOR, a jolly red-faced man who advertises the merits of his home town and the drunken, useless GUARD 2. SIR GALAHAD (30s): A Knight of the Roundtable. Begins as Dennis, a lower class 'mud gatherer' who becomes Knighted and transforms into the dashing Sir Galahad. Also plays PRINCE HERBERT'S FATHER, a wealthy, brutish Yorkshireman man at odds with his sensitive son, THE BLACK KNIGHT who is always ready to duel despite multiple injuries. Strong bari-tenor singing required. SIR BEDEVERE (20s-40s): A Knight of the Roundtable. An inept scholar. Also plays DENNIS GALAHAD'S MOTHER, a shrill peasant woman, and CONCORDE, Sir Lancelot's horse. No solo singing. THE LADY OF THE LAKE (20s-30s):A Diva. Strong, beautiful, possesses mystical powers. The leading lady of the show. Great singing voice is essential, as she must be able to sing effortlessly in many styles and vocal registers. Especially seeking actresses of all races for this role. THE FOLLOWING ROLES ARE PLAYED BY THE SAME ACTOR (20s-30s): Tenor singing required. Very good mover. Good supporting role. HISTORIAN: A tweedy academic. NOT DEAD FRED: A sickly little fellow who, despite others' beliefs, claims he is "not yet dead." FRENCH GUARD: The condemnatory French sidekick to the French Taunter. MINSTREL: In Sir Robin's band. PRINCE HERBERT: The hopeful and frilly prince who loves to sing and pines for his love atop a tower.

SIR NOT APPEARING may double as THE DANCING MONK A MALE DANCER appears as THE DANCING NUN THE VOICE OF GOD may be pre-recorded. TWO FRENCH GUARDS are two of the MALE ENSEMBLE ROBIN'S MINSTRELS are also ENSEMBLE: 2 MEN, 1 WOMAN. SIR BORS is MALE ENSEMBLE. ENSEMBLE: Six men and six women

MUSICAL NUMBERS

Overture

ACT I "Fisch Schlapping Song" Mayor, Villagers, Historian "Monk's Chant" Monks "King Arthur's Song" King Arthur & Patsy "Monk's Chant" "He is Not Dead Yet" Man, Lance, Robin and Bodies "Dead Play Off" All. "Come With Me" The Lady of the Lake "Laker Girls" King Arthur, Patsy and the Laker Girls "The Song That Goes Like This" Sir Galahad and The Lady of the Lake "All for One! King Arthur, Patsy, Robin, Lancelot, Galahad and Bedevere "Knights of the Round Table" King Arthur, Patsy and his Knights, The Lady of the Lake, and The Camelot Dancers "The Song That Goes Like This" (Reprise) The Lady of the Lake and Ensemble. "Find Your Grail" The Lady of the Lake, King Arthur, Patsy, Robin, Lancelot, Galahad, Bedevere, Knights and Grail Girls "Run Away " The Taunter, French Guards, King

Arthur, Patsy, Robin, Lancelot, Galahad, Bedevere, French Citizens

ACT II

"Always Look on the Bright Side of Life" Patsy, King Arthur, Knights and The Knights of Ni "Brave Sir Robin" Sir Robin and his Minstrels "You Won't Succeed on Broadway" Sir Robin and Ensemble "The Diva's Lament" The Lady of the Lake "Where Are You?" Prince Herbert "Here Are You!" Prince Herbert "His Name Is Lancelot" Lancelot, Prince Herbert and Ensemble "I'm All Alone" King Arthur, Patsy and Knights "The Song That Goes Like This" (Reprise) Lady of the Lake and King Arthur "The Grail" King Arthur, Patsy, and his Knights. "We Are Not Yet Wed" (Reprise) Girls, Knights, Ensemble "Always Look on The Bright Side of Life" (Reprise) The Company

I-1

#0 Prelude #1 Overture

ACT I

(A mighty Portcullis occupies the stage which may be used for projections. The Proscenium has two medieval towers either side with an arched doorway and a practical window above)

Scene One: The Mighty Portcullis

(A very sober looking bow-tied HISTORIAN with horn rimmed glasses ENTERS. A map of England appears on the Portcullis with skulls in various places, like a Medieval weather map. If projection is used this may be animated) #1A Introduction

HISTORIAN

England 932 A.D. A Kingdom divided. To the West the Anglo-Saxons, to the East the French. Above nothing but Celts and some people from Scotland. In Gwynned, Powys, and Dyfed – Plague. In the kingdoms of Wessex, Sussex, and Essex and Kent – Plague. In Mercia and the two Anglias – Plague: with a 50% chance of pestilence and famine coming out of the Northeast at twelve miles per hour. Legend tells of an extraordinary leader, who arose from the chaos, to unite a troubled kingdom….

(A Terry Gilliam-like cartoon picture of KING ARTHUR projected or revealed)

HISTORIAN (CONT'D)

….A man with a vision who gathered Knights together in a Holy Quest. This man was Arthur, King of the Britons. For this was England!

#2 Fisch Schlapping Song

(The Portcullis flies away to reveal…)

I-2

Scene Two: Moose Village

(A pretty woodland set; brightly lit with a painted mountain back drop with pine trees. The Stage side panels are pine trees. There is a log cabin. This is Finland. The stage is filled with extremely silly people in highly colored Scandinavian costumes, singing and dancing in a very daft folklorique way)

ENSEMBLE

FINLAND, FINLAND, FINLAND THAT'S THE COUNTRY FOR ME!

MAYOR

FINLAND IS THE COUNTRY WHERE WE DANCE FINLAND IS THE COUNTRY WHERE WE PLAY HERE IN FINLAND BOY AND GIRL CAN FIND A TRUE ROMANCE IN TRADITIONAL SCANDINAVIAN WAY

ALL

SCHLIP SCHLAP – SCHLIP AND SCHLAP AWAY SCHLIP SCHLAP – SCHLAP AWAY ALL DAY SCHLIP SCHLAP – YOU SIMPLY CAN'T GO WRONG IN TRADITIONAL FISH SCHLAPPING SONG

(The BOYS proudly produce two tiny fish, one in each hand and as they advance they slap the GIRLS across their cheeks. Everybody grins idiotically as if this was tremendous fun. After two advances the GIRLS produce a huge fish and hit the BOYS across their heads knocking them flat.

FX: Sound effect hit)

ALL

SCHLIP SCHLAP –

MAYOR SCHLIP AND SCHLAP AWAY

ALL

SCHLIP SCHLAP –

I-3

MAYOR SCHLAP AWAY ALL DAY

ALL

SCHLIP SCHLAP –

MAYOR YOU SIMPLY CAN'T GO WRONG IN TRADITIONAL FISH SCHLAPPING SONG

TWO SINGERS

FINLAND FINLAND FINLAND THE COUNTRY WHERE I QUITE WANT TO BE

MAN #1

PONY TREKKING

MAN #2 OR CAMPING

ALL

OR JUST WATCHING TV FINLAND FINLAND FINLAND THAT'S THE COUNTRY FOR ME!

(HISTORIAN ENTERS in disbelief)

HISTORIAN

I said England!

CHORUS Oh, sorry. Oops. (etc)

(The Finland set instantly collapses. The side panel tree drops are released on cue. The painted backdrop falls and the CHORUS push away the log cabin – which is labeled National Theater of Finland. They ALL EXIT embarrassed.

The bright lights go out, replaced by smoke and darkness, a bell tolling mournfully and medieval chanting.

At the back of the stage is a large Medieval castle reaching as high as it can go. Before it a practical crenellated bridged archway over a large wooden doored gateway)

I-4

Scene Three: Mud Castle

(Four cowled and hooded MONKS ENTER chanting, walking slowly across the front of the Stage hitting themselves on their foreheads with large Medieval Bibles)

#3 Monk's Chant #1

MONKS

SACROSANCTUS DOMINE

(FX: Clunk)

MONKS PECAVI IGNOVIUNT

(FX: Clunk)

MONKS

IUESUS CHRISTUS DOMINE

(FX: Clunk)

MONKS PAX VOBISCUM VENERUNT

(FX: Clunk.

Out of the smoke a small cut out castle with flags slides on. The sound of approaching horses hooves. A light shines through the Gateway, and ARTHUR "rides" in, pretending to ride an imaginary horse, followed by PATSY, his servant, banging two halves of a coconut together. They take a leap)

ARTHUR

Steady. And over we go.

(PATSY makes the appropriate coconut noise for each maneuver)

ARTHUR (CONT'D)

Well taken, Patsy. And canter. And trot. MORE

(They ride round the stage, giving a display of real horsemanship)

I-5

ARTHUR (CONT'D) And whoa there! Well done. Hello?

(ARTHUR reins in the "horse" and surveys the Castle.

A GUARD appears through a window of the castle wall)

ROBIN Hello?! Who goes there?

#3 King Arthur's Song

ARTHUR I AM ARTHUR KING OF THE BRITONS LORD AND RULER OF ALL OF ENGLAND, AND SCOTLAND AND EVEN TINY LITTLE BITS OF GAUL

ROBIN

And I'm the Emperor of Norway. Bugger off.

PATSY HE IS ARTHUR KING OF THE BRITONS AND WE ARE OUT SEEKING MEN VERY STRONG MEN AND VERY ABLE

ARTHUR

TO SIT AROUND OUR VERY, VERY ROUND TABLE

ROBIN What is it you want?

ARTHUR I am looking for men.

ROBIN I had a feeling.

ARTHUR We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights to join me in my court at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master.

ROBIN What, ridden on a horse?

ARTHUR Yes!

ROBIN You're using coconuts!

I-6

ARTHUR

What?

ROBIN You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're banging them together.

ARTHUR So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercia, through…

ROBIN Where'd you get the coconut?

ARTHUR We found them.

ROBIN Found them? In Mercia? The coconut's tropical!

ARTHUR What do you mean?

ROBIN Well, this is a temperate zone.

ARTHUR The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter yet these are not strangers to our land.

ROBIN Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?

ARTHUR Not at all, they could be carried.

ROBIN What? A swallow carrying a coconut?

ARTHUR It could grip it by the husk!

ROBIN It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut.

ARTHUR Well, it doesn't matter. Will you tell your master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here?

I-7

ROBIN Listen, in order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings 43 times every second, right?

ARTHUR Please!

ROBIN Am I right?

ARTHUR I'm not interested!

(LANCE appears at the opposite window)

LANCE It could be carried by an African swallow!

ROBIN Oh, yeah, an African swallow, maybe, but not a European swallow, that's my point.

LANCE Oh, yeah, I agree with that… Beautiful bird, the African swallow. Lovely plumage.

ROBIN The plumage don't enter into it. And besides, African swallows are non-migratory.

LANCE Oh, yeah …

ROBIN So they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway…

ARTHUR Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Camelot?

LANCE Wait a minute, supposing two swallows carried it together?

ROBIN No, they'd have to have it on a line.

LANCE Well, simple! They'd just use a strand of creeper!

ROBIN What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers?

(ARTHUR, despairing of any further sensible conversation gallops off left with PATSY)

I-8

LANCE Well, why not? Hey! Who was that then?

ROBIN That's a king.

LANCE How can you tell?

ROBIN He hasn't got shit all over him.

I-9

Scene Four: Plague Village

(A cart filled with dead bodies pushed by a man in rags enters upstage right. ROBIN, THE DEAD COLLECTOR, ENTERS banging a triangle) #4A Monk's Chant #2

MONKS (OFFSTAGE VOICES, PRE RECORDED) SACROSANCTUS DOMINE

ROBIN

(Live) Bring out your Dead!

MONKS PECAVI IGNOVIUNT

ROBIN

Bring out your dead!

MONKS IUESUS CHRISTUS DOMINE

ROBIN

Bring out your dead!

MONKS PAX VOBISCUM VENERUNT

(LANCE ENTERS dragging a small bubo covered MAN, apparently dead, by his feet)

LANCE

Here's one.

ROBIN Nine pence.

MAN I'm not dead!

ROBIN What?

LANCE Nothing. Here's your nine pence.

I-10

MAN I'm not dead!

ROBIN Here, he says he's not dead!

LANCE Yes, he is.

MAN I'm not!

ROBIN He isn't.

LANCE Well, he will be soon, he's very ill.

MAN I'm getting better!

LANCE No, you're not; you'll be stone dead in a moment.

ROBIN I can't take him like that. It's against regulations.

MAN I don't want to go on the cart!

LANCE Oh, don't be such a baby.

ROBIN I can't take him...

MAN I feel fine!

LANCE Well, do us a favor...

ROBIN I can't.

LANCE Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes? He won't be long.

ROBIN Oh, alright. Kevin.

I-11

LANCE Thanks, mate.

(The CARTER picks up the MAN and carries him towards the cart)

ROBIN

But make it quick, I got to get to Camelot by six.

LANCE You're going to Camelot?

ROBIN Yes.

LANCE What, you got a gig?

ROBIN No, I'm going to enlist.

LANCE What, as a Knight?

ROBIN Maybe.

LANCE Well I'll come with you.

MAN I'm not dead yet.

LANCE Shut up. I fancy some of that fighting.

ROBIN Oh, there's fighting is there?

LANCE Quite, a lot of fighting, mate. That's what the job's all about.

ROBIN Oh, I see. It's not just dressing up. And dancing.

LANCE No, no. It's mostly fighting.

ROBIN Oh. Oh, good.

I-12

LANCE Although some of the Scottish regiments might have a bit of dressing up and dancing.

MAN I'd like to dance.

LANCE Look, you're not fooling anyone you know.

#5 I Am Not Dead Yet

MAN I feel happy. I feel happy.

(To illustrate how happy he is, he sings:) I AM NOT DEAD YET I CAN DANCE AND I CAN SING I AM NOT DEAD YET I CAN DO THE HIGHLAND FLING I AM NOT DEAD YET NO NEED TO GO TO BED NO NEED TO CALL A DOCTOR 'COS I'M NOT YET DEAD.

(The FIVE BODIES on the cart quite suddenly sit up and sing)

BODIES

HE IS NOT YET DEAD THAT'S WHAT THE GEEZER SAID OH HE'S NOT YET DEAD THAT MAN IS OFF HIS HEAD HE IS NOT YET DEAD PUT HIM BACK IN BED KEEP HIM OFF THE CART BECAUSE HE'S NOT YET DEAD

(The MAN dances frenetically to show them he is healthy until LANCE whacks him smartly on the head with a shovel from the cart. The MAN drops like a stone.

Beat)

BODIES (CONT'D)

WELL, NOW HE'S DEAD YOU WHACKED HIM ON THE HEAD SURE NOW HE'S DEAD IT MAKES ME JUST SEE RED YOU ARE SUCH A BRUTE TO MURDER THAT OLD COOT YOU HOMICIDAL BASTARD, NOW HE'S REALLY DEAD

I-13

SOME BODIES WHO IS THE KNAVE WHO PUT HIM IN HIS GRAVE

OTHER BODIES

WHO IS HE?

THE REST OF THE BODIES

WHO WHO WHO?

BODIES AND WHO NEEDS TO MANAGE HIS ANGER?

(LANCE menaces them with his shovel)

LANCE

MY NAME IS LANCELOT I'M BIG AND STRONG AND HOT OCCASION'LLY I DO SOME THINGS THAT I SHOULD NOT

ROBIN

I WANT TO BE A KNIGHT BUT I DON'T LIKE TO FIGHT I'M RATHER SCARED I MAY JUST SIMPLY RUN AWAY

LANCE

I'LL BE RIGHT WITH YOU, ROBIN THROUGH AND THROUGH AND THROUGH SO STICK WITH ME AND I'LL SHOW YOU WHAT TO DO

BOTH

WE'LL REMAIN GOOD CHUMS

LANCE YOU CAN TEACH ME HOW TO DANCE

BOTH

WE'RE GOING TO ENLIST

ROBIN I'M ROBIN

LANCE

AND I'M LANCE

LANCELOT, ROBIN, AND BODIES OH, WE'RE OFF TO WAR BECAUSE WE'RE NOT YET DEAD WE WILL ALL ENLIST AS THE KNIGHTS THAT ARTHUR LED

I-14

MAN I AM COMING TOO MY NAME WILL BE SIR FRED I'LL BE YOUR MUSICIAN 'COS I'M NOT YET DEAD.

LANCE

TO KILL I WILL IT GIVES ME SUCH A THRILL

ROBIN TO SING AND DANCE

SOME BODIES

OH, WE'RE NOT DEAD YET TO CAMELOT WE GO TO ENLIST INSTEAD TO TRY TO EARN SOME DOUGH AND SO ALTHOUGH WE SHOULD HAVE STAYED IN BED

OTHER BODIES (Singing after SOME BODIES)

WE ARE NOT YET DEAD OFF TO CAMELOT WE GO TO ENLIST INSTEAD TRY AND EARN A LITTLE DOUGH AND SO ALTHOUGH WE SHOULD HAVE STAYED IN BED

ROBIN

AND KEEP AN EYE ON LANCE

ALL BODIES WE'RE GOING OFF TO WAR BECAUSE WE'RE NOT YET DEAD!

ALL

WE'RE GOING OFF TO WAR WE'LL HAVE GIRLFRIENDS BY THE SCORE

MAN

WE'LL BE SHOT BY MICHAEL MOORE! (Alternative: WE'LL BE LOYAL TO THE CORPS)

ALL (EXCEPT MAN)

'CAUSE WE'RE NOT YET

(LANCE whacks him over the head again and he drops like a stone)

ALL (CONT'D)

DEAD! NOT YET DEAD!

#5A Dead Playoff

(They march off as soldiers to a Marine Corps chant)

ALL (CONT'D) 1 – 2 – 3 – 4…

LANCE I DON'T KNOW BUT IT'S BEEN SAID…

MEN

I DON'T KNOW BUT IT'S BEEN SAID…

I-15

LANCE WE'RE OFF TO WAR, WE'RE NOT YET DEAD…

MEN

WE'RE OFF TO WAR, WE'RE NOT YET DEAD…

(The MAN gets up and follows them off enthusiastically, a soldier too. THEY EXIT)

LANCE

BECOME A KNIGHT AND YOU'LL GO FAR…

MEN BECOME A KNIGHT AND YOU'LL GO FAR…

LANCE

IN SUSPENDERS AND A BRA!

MEN IN SUSPENDERS AND A BRA???

I-16

Scene Five: Mud Village

(ARTHUR rides in with PATSY. DENNIS GALAHAD ENTERS behind a small traveling mound of mud. He has a trowel and is mining for mud)

ARTHUR

Over! Old woman!

DENNIS Man!

ARTHUR Man, sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there?

DENNIS I'm twenty seven.

ARTHUR What?

DENNIS I'm not old!

ARTHUR Well, I can't just call you 'Man'.

DENNIS Well, you could say 'Dennis'.

ARTHUR Well, I didn't know you were called 'Dennis.'

DENNIS Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?

ARTHUR Look I did say I was sorry about the 'old woman' thing, but really from behind you do look like…

DENNIS What I object to is that you automatically treat me like an inferior!

ARTHUR Well, I am king...

DENNIS Oh, king, eh, very nice. And how'd you get that, eh? By exploiting the workers. By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society! If there's ever going to be any progress…

I-17

MOTHER Dennis, there's a lot of good mud over there. Oh how d'you do?

ARTHUR How do you do, good lady.

MOTHER How d'you do. I'm Mrs. Galahad, widowed mother of Dennis, married to Nobby the Cretin, dropped dead last Tuesday, which does leave me sadly available.

ARTHUR I am Arthur, King of the Britons.

MOTHER King of the who?

ARTHUR The Britons.

MOTHER Who are the Britons?

ARTHUR Well, we all are. We are all Britons and I am your king.

MOTHER I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous collective.

DENNIS You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship. A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes….

MOTHER Oh, there you go, bringing class into it again.

DENNIS That's what it's all about. If only people would…

ARTHUR Please, please good people. I am in haste. Who is your lord?

MOTHER We don't have a lord.

DENNIS We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turns to act as a sort of an executive officer for the week….

ARTHUR Yes.

I-18

DENNIS …but each decision of that officer has to be ratified at a special biweekly meeting….

ARTHUR Yes, I see.

DENNIS …by a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs…

ARTHUR Be quiet!

DENNIS …but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more…

ARTHUR Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!

MOTHER Oh! Order, eh? Who does he think he is?

ARTHUR I am your king!

MOTHER Well, I didn't vote for you.

ARTHUR You don't vote for kings.

#6 The Lady Of The Lake

MOTHER Well, how did you become king then?

ARTHUR Well, I'll tell you. One day, as I was riding forth from Camelot I saw a lady in the lake!

DENNIS Dead?

ARTHUR No. Not dead. She was…the Lady of the Lake! She lives in the lake.

DENNIS What, underwater?

ARTHUR Yes.

MORE

I-19

(DENNIS indicates to his mother that ARTHUR has been drinking)

ARTHUR (CONT'D)

She appeared to me out of the bosom of the water…Her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, holding aloft Excalibur signifying by Divine Providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur.

(ARTHUR draws his sword. It shines mystically. Music plays)

PATSY

Excalibur!

CHORUS (OFFSTAGE) EXCALIBUR! AH – AH!

(DENNIS and his MOTHER look around to see who sang)

ARTHUR

That is why I am your King.

DENNIS Listen, strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.

ARTHUR It's not just an ordinary sword. How many swords have their own names?

DENNIS You can't expect to wield supreme executive power just because some watery tart threw a sword at you!

ARTHUR Be quiet!

DENNIS If I went around saying I was an emperor just because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me they'd put me away!

ARTHUR Do you think I could make that up?

DENNIS Soggy old blondes with their backsides in ponds can't replace the electorate.

I-20

ARTHUR Very well, since you don't believe me, if I prove to you that the Lady of the Lake exists, will you join my army and enlist as a knight?

DENNIS Oh sure, if she exists, I'll join any bloody army. And for the Tooth Fairy, I'll join the Navy …

ARTHUR Very well. Watch this.

I-21

Scene Six: The Lady of the Lake

(ARTHUR walks forward and prays to the LADY OF THE LAKE)

ARTHUR

O Lady of the Lake, please reveal to this doubting Thomas…

DENNIS Dennis.

ARTHUR …please reveal to this doubting Dennis that you are real!

(Dry ice fills the stage. Magical music)

CHORUS

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

(The LADY OF THE LAKE and her LAKER GIRLS, six scantily-clad ladies in fronds, emerge through the floor of the stage on an elevator, or are pushed through the Gateway of the Castle on a dais)

DENNIS

Cor Blimey!

(The LADY OF THE LAKE steps forward and appeals to young DENNIS)

LADY OF THE LAKE

COME WITH ME COME WITH ME COME WITH ME, SWEET GALAHAD YOU'LL BE A MAN JOIN ARTHUR'S CLAN COME WITH ME AND I WILL MAKE YOU GLAD. GALAHAD, SWEET GALAHAD BE A KNIGHT IT'S TIME TO TAKE YOUR VOW IF YOU COME WITH ME NOW I'LL SHOW YOU HOW

(The LADY OF THE LAKE offers her hand to DENNIS)

I-22

DENNIS OH, WOW.

(Completely entranced, DENNIS takes her hand and follows her off through the Gateway. MOTHER recovers from her shock and awe and sees what is happening too late)

MOTHER

'Ere, you leave him alone you watery witch. Dennis. Come back. You'll catch a nasty cold in that pond.

#7 Laker Girls

ARTHUR Stand aside, Mrs. Galahad, while the Lady of Lake and her Laker Girls welcome your son into my army.

(ARTHUR blows a referees whistle. The LAKER GIRLS rush forward ripping off their frond dresses to reveal Cheerleader costumes underneath. They produce pom-poms and perform a high-kicking clichéd Cheerleader routine for ARTHUR)

ARTHUR

I AM ARTHUR KING OF THE BRITONS AND WE'RE SEEKING MEN WHO ARE ABLE. AND SO WE'RE RECRUITING DENNIS TO SIT AT OUR VERY, VERY, VERY ROUND TABLE. READY?

LAKER GIRLS

(Chanted like cheerleaders:) O.K.!. K-I-N G-A-R T-H-U-R ARTHUR K-I-N G-A-R- T-H-U-R ARTHUR

MORE

I-23

LAKER GIRLS (CONT'D) ARTHUR KING ARTHUR KING THE BIGGEST AND THE COOLEST THING

ARTHUR

WHO'S THE KING?

LAKER GIRLS U.R.

ARTHUR

WHO'S THE KING?

LAKER GIRLS U.R. A-R-T-H-U-R. ARTHUR!

(A FROG ENTERS does a cartwheel and EXITS. Arthur double takes)

LAKER GIRLS (CONT'D)

WHO IS NEXT TO ENLIST? DENNIS DENNIS

PATSY WHO IS?

BOTH

"DEN" IS!

LAKER GIRLS AND PATSY THE LADY OF THE LAKE WILL MAKE HIM A MAN IF SHE CAN'T DO IT NOBODY CAN

ARTHUR AND PATSY

WHO WILL HE BE?

LAKER GIRLS G-A-L-A-H-A-D

(The LAKER GIRLS do backward shoulder stands revealing they each have a letter on the back of their panties)

LAKER GIRLS (CONT'D) G-A-L-A-H-A…

I-24

(MRS. GALAHAD lifts her skirt to reveal the letter…)

MOTHER D!

(PATSY rushes forward with a megaphone)

PATSY

Tonight, King Arthur presents the Lady of the Lake and the Knighting of Dennis Galahad!

(A magnificent boat sails in through the Gateway.

DENNIS stands totally transformed. He is no longer dirty muddy DENNIS. He is spotless, wearing chain mail armor and a white tunic with the red cross of St. George. He stands in a stiff pose with his long blonde hair streaming in the wind. The LADY OF THE LAKE is at his side, her arms entwined around his waist, gazing up at him adoringly in a classic "Phantom of the Opera" pose. From above a chandelier slowly descends. GALAHAD and the LADY OF THE LAKE step from the boat and sing an over the top romantic ballad)

CHORUS

AH! AH! AH!

WOMEN AH! AH! AH! AH! AH!

MEN AH! AH! AHHHHHHHHHHH!

#8 The Song that Goes Like This

DENNIS

ONCE IN EVERY SHOW THERE COMES A SONG LIKE THIS IT STARTS OFF SOFT AND LOW AND ENDS UP WITH A KISS OH, WHERE IS THE SONG THAT GOES LIKE THIS?

(Spoken in rhythm") WHERE IS IT? WHERE IS IT? WHERE? WHERE? WHERE

LADY OF THE LAKE

A SENTIMENTAL SONG THAT CASTS A MAGIC SPELL THEY ALL WILL HUM ALONG

MORE

I-25

LADY OF THE LAKE (CONT'D) WE'LL OVERACT LIKE HELL OH, THIS IS THE SONG THAT GOES LIKE THIS.

BOTH

(Spoken in rhythm:) YES IT IS. YES! YES!

DENNIS

NOW WE CAN GO STRAIGHT IN TO THE MIDDLE EIGHT A BRIDGE THAT IS TOO FAR FOR ME.

LADY OF THE LAKE

I'LL SING IT IN YOUR FACE WHILE WE BOTH EMBRACE

BOTH

AND THEN WE CHANGE THE KEY!

DENNIS NOW WE'RE IN TO E THAT'S AWFULLY HIGH FOR ME

LADY OF THE LAKE

BUT EVERYONE CAN SEE WE SHOULD HAVE STAYED IN D

BOTH

FOR THIS IS OUR SONG THAT GOES LIKE THIS.

DENNIS I'M FEELING VERY PROUD

LADY OF THE LAKE

YOU'RE SINGING FAR TOO LOUD

DENNIS THAT'S THE WAY THAT THIS SONG GOES

LADY OF THE LAKE

YOU'RE STANDING ON MY TOES

BOTH SINGING OUR SONG THAT GOES LIKE THIS

(The song modulates even higher)

LADY OF THE LAKE

I CAN'T BELIEVE THERE'S MORE

I-26

DENNIS

IT'S FAR TOO LONG, I'M SURE

LADY OF THE LAKE THAT'S THE TROUBLE WITH THIS SONG IT GOES ON AND ON AND ON

BOTH

FOR THIS IS THE SONG THAT IS TOO LONG.

(It still continues…)

DENNIS (Spoken)

Jesus Christ! God damn it!!

LADY OF THE LAKE WE'LL BE SINGING THIS TILL DAWN

LAKER GIRLS AH!

DENNIS

YOU'LL WISH THAT YOU WEREN'T BORN

LAKER GIRLS AH!

LADY OF THE LAKE

LET'S STOP THIS DAMN REFRAIN

LAKER GIRLS AH!

BOTH

BEFORE WE GO INSANE… THE SONG ALWAYS ENDS

LAKER GIRLS ENDS

BOTH LIKE

LAKER GIRLS LIKE

ALL THIS!

I-27

(The final note triggers electrical sparks and destruction of the chandelier) #8A The Song That Goes - Playoff (THE LADY retreats, the GIRLS EXIT, the stage clears leaving ARTHUR, PATSY, and DENNIS)

#9 The Knighting Of Galahad

ARTHUR

Come, kneel.

DENNIS Dennis!

ARTHUR Come, Dennis. Kneel.

(GALAHAD kneels while ARTHUR knights him)

ARTHUR (CONT'D) Arise, Sir Galahad!

GALAHAD Oh, thank you, King Arthur. I feel ever so much better now.

PATSY 'Ere, Dennis, what has she done to your voice?

GALAHAD I'm talking properly now, because I am a Knight.

PATSY You're a prat!

GALAHAD Yes, but now I'm Sir Prat.

ARTHUR Come, let us to horse.

GALAHAD (Hesitates)

To what?

ARTHUR To horse!

(GALAHAD "mounts" his imaginary horse. He "rides" off gingerly, stage right)

I-28

PATSY

Come on. Come on. You'll soon get the hang of it.

#12 All For One

I-29

Scene Seven: King Arthur and His Knights

(The Portcullis descends as ARTHUR and PATSY ENTER followed one by one by the KNIGHTS. The HISTORIAN appears at the window)

HISTORIAN

And so, King Arthur gathered more Knights together, bringing from all the corners of the Kingdom the strongest and bravest in the land to sit at the Round Table. The strangely flatulent Sir Bedevere.

(BEDEVERE ENTERS flapping his tabard, as if he has just farted)

HISTORIAN (CONT'D)

the dashingly handsome Sir Galahad…

(SIR GALAHAD ENTERS and shakes his blonde mane preciously)

HISTORIAN (CONT'D)

the homicidally brave Sir Lancelot…

(LANCELOT ENTERS and gets a little too close to GALAHAD, gripping his arm)

HISTORIAN (CONT'D)

Sir Robin the Not-quite-so-brave-as-Sir-Lancelot…

(SIR ROBIN ENTERS holding a rubber chicken)

HISTORIAN (CONT'D) … who slew the vicious chicken of Bristol and who personally wet himself at the Battle of Badon Hill. And the aptly named Sir Not-Appearing-in-this-show.

(SIR NOT-APPEARING, a Knight in Spanish armor, ENTERS. They all look at him)

SIR NOT

Sorry. (HE EXITS sheepishly)

HISTORIAN

Together they formed a band whose names and deeds were to be retold throughout the Centuries… The Knights of the Round Table!

(The KNIGHTS do a soft shoe shuffle and then gather around a camp fire, produced from PATSY'S sack as night falls)

I-30

KNIGHTS ALL FOR ONE ONE FOR ALL ALL FOR ONE AND ONE FOR ALL

BEDEVERE

SOME FOR SOME

GALAHAD NONE FOR NONE

ROBIN

SLIGHTLY LESS FOR PEOPLE WE DON'T LIKE

LANCELOT AND A LITTLE BIT MORE FOR ME

ALL (NOT ARTHUR)

ALL ROUND THIS BLIGHTY LAND WE ARE HIS MIGHTY BAND OOOO

ARTHUR OOOO

KNIGHTS (NOT ARTHUR) KING ARTHUR'S STRONGEST KNIGHTS WE ARE PREPARED TO FIGHT WHOOOO- EVER.

(KING ARTHUR steps forward to address them around the campfire)

ARTHUR

Knights, tonight is the night when all my knights……unite. Tonight we shine a bright light on to a mystery of history: to wit – why are we called the Middle Ages when nothing comes after us? Someday, history will speak of a legendary king and his knights of courage and daring.

KNIGHTS ALL FOR ONE ONE FOR ALL FROM HIGH TO LOW FROM BIG TO SMALL.

ARTHUR

Together, we will bring chivalry to a rude and churlish time. But first I thought "Let's go to Camelot!"

LANCE AND ROBIN To Camelot!

I-31

GALAHAD, BEDEVERE, AND PATSY

To Camelot!

ARTHUR And remember, gentlemen. What happens in Camelot, stays in Camelot!

#13 Knights Of The Round Table

I-32

Scene Eight: The Court of Camelot

(The garishly lit neon exterior of The Castle of Camelot. Like a hotel in Las Vegas, with dancing knights and cocktail maids. A beyond over the top Broadway number in the worst possible taste)

GIRLS

CAMELOT. THE TOWN THAT NEVER SLEEPS IT'S CAMELOT!

ALL KNIGHTS

Hello! Welcome to Camelot!

ARTHUR Hup!

BARITONES Hup!

TENORS Hup!

BASSES Hup!

LANCELOT, BEDEVERE, GALAHAD, AND ROBIN Hup!

ARTHUR AND THE KNIGHTS WE'RE KNIGHTS OF THE ROUND TABLE WE DANCE WHEN E'ER WE'RE ABLE WE DO ROUTINES AND CHORUS SCENES WITH FOOTWORK IMPECC-ABLE. WE DINE WELL HERE IN CAMELOT WE EAT HAM AND JAM AND SPAM A LOT SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM

KNIGHTS

WE'RE KNIGHTS OF THE ROUND TABLE OUR SHOWS ARE FOR-MID-ABLE BUT MANY TIMES, WE'RE GIVEN RHYMES THAT ARE QUITE UNSING-ABLE WE'RE OPERA MAD IN CAMELOT WE SING FROM THE DIAPHRAGM A LOT

I-33

(THE KNIGHTS leap onto the table and perform a Tap Dance Break)

ARTHUR

One, two, three, huh!

(ARTHUR joins them on the table, but fakes his tap dance, while PATSY bangs the coconuts as if he were tapping)

KNIGHTS

WE'RE KNIGHTS OF THE ROUND TABLE ALTHOUGH WE LIVE A FABLE WE'RE NOT JUST BUMS WITH ROYAL MUMS WE'VE BRAINS THAT ARE QUITE ABLE. WE'VE A BUSY LIFE IN CAMELOT.

BASS

I HAVE TO PUSH THE PRAM A LOT.

(Four prams pushed in by KNIGHTS open to reveal four SHOWGIRLS in sequins and spangly headgear who perform a dance with a ball and chain, the dreaded spiked ball mace. A KNIGHT in shining female body armor ENTERS through the Gateway and performs a strip tease, removing her gauntlets, which she throws to the KNIGHTS, dropping off the front body part, revealing her in a sparkling Cher-like body suit, until finally she tosses her helmet aside which bounces noisily and ARTHUR introduces her)

ARTHUR

(Hand mike) Ladies and gentlemen – The Lady of the Lake!

(LADY OF THE LAKE pulls a microphone out of the back of her pants suit and nods to the audience acknowledging their applause in true diva fashion)

LADY OF LAKE

Thank you… thank you so very much… (Singing in a very "Vegas" way:)

ONCE IN EV'RY SHOW THERE COMES A SONG LIKE THIS IT STARTS OFF SOFT AND LOW AND ENDS UP WITH A KISS OH, WHERE IS THE SONG THAT GOES LIKE THIS?

(Dance: A Nun and a Monk perform a pas de deux of love)

I-34

LADY OF THE LAKE FOR THIS IS THE SONG THAT GOES LIKE …

(Scats) A WHOP BOP

(Etc.)

ARTHUR (Scats)

DOO WHOP A DIDDLE (Etc.)

LADY OF THE LAKE

THEY'RE KNIGHTS OF THE ROUND TABLE

ARTHUR THEY DANCE WHEN E'ER THEY'RE ABLE

LADY OF THE LAKE

THEY'RE KNIGHTS

ARTHUR NOT DAYS, BUT KNIGHTS

LADY OF THE LAKE AND ARTHUR

NOT DAWN, NOT DUSK NOT LATE AFTERNOON BUT KNIGHTS OF THE ROUND TABLE ROUND TABLE ROUND TABLE ROUND TABLE

ALL ROUND TABLE ROUND TABLE ROUND TABLE ROUND TABLE TRY YOUR LUCK IN CAMELOT

(KNIGHTS hold shields with letters on. They rush forward and spell: MEATLOC)

ALL (CONT'D)

RUN AMUCK IN CAMELOT

(They try again, this time they spell: CAMLTOE)

ALL (CONT'D) IT DOESN'T SUCK IN CAMELOT

MORE

I-35

(Finally they get it right: CAMELOT. A Round Table like a Vegas Wheel of fortune descends. It buzzes and clicks and then makes a winning sound)

ALL (CONT'D)

(Spoken) WE WON!

(Sung) WE'RE KNIGHTS OF THE ROUND TABLE WE DANCE WHEN E'ER WE'RE ABLE WE DO ROUTINES AND GORY SCENES THAT ARE TOO HOT FOR CABLE WE EAT HAM AND JAM

(Spoken:) POW!

(Sung:) WE EAT HAM AND JAM AND SPAM-A-LOT!

(Spoken) SPAMALOT!

# 13A Knights Playoff

I-36

Scene Nine: At the Feet of God

(Loud bolt of lightning and crack of thunder and a very powerful light shines. We see two huge feet. These are the feet of GOD. The KNIGHTS all fall to their knees. Holy music plays)

GOD

Arthur! Arthur, King of the Britons! Oh, don't grovel! If there's one thing I cannot stand, it's people groveling.

ARTHUR Sorry, Lord!!

GOD And don't apologize. Every time I try to talk to someone it's, 'sorry this,' and, 'forgive me that,' and, 'I'm not worthy'. What are you doing pissing around in Camelot!?

ARTHUR Well, we were dancing Lord and…

GOD What are you doing now?

ARTHUR I'm averting my eyes, oh Lord.

GOD Well, don't. And stop looking up my skirt.

ARTHUR Yes, Lord.

GOD Right! Arthur, King of the Britons, your Knights have a task to make them an example in these dark times.

ARTHUR Oh, good idea, oh Lord!

(More Heavenly music)

GOD Of 'course it's a good idea! I'm God, you stupid tit! Jesus! Now this shall be your Quest. Behold! The Grail appears projected on the clouds. Arthur, this is the Holy Grail. Look well. For that is your purpose, Arthur, the Quest for the Holy Grail.

ARTHUR But how will I…?

I-37

GOD

Just find the Grail, okay. And get on with it. These people don't have all night!

(GOD lifts off like a NASA launch. Smoke pours out of his feet as they ascend. Even more Heavenly music)

ARTHUR

God be praised! We have a Quest.

BEDEVERE To find the Grail.

ROBIN The Quail!

ARTHUR No, the Grail. The vessel used at The Last Supper.

ROBIN They had a boat at the Last Supper? Was it a sort of Dinner Cruise?

ARTHUR The Grail is a Cup.

ROBIN God the Almighty and All Knowing has misplaced a cup?

GALAHAD Apparently.

ROBIN Doesn't sound very plausible. If God is all-knowing He must know where it is.

GALAHAD It does seem very careless. There must be other cups he could use.

ROBIN Couldn't we just buy him another one?

ARTHUR Look, it's not just about a missing mug. It's a metaphor. We must all look for the Grail within us.

ROBIN Somebody's swallowed it?

ARTHUR Nobody has swallowed it. It's a symbol.

I-38

(Cymbal! ARTHUR make a long suffering looks at the Orchestra pit)

ARTHUR (CONT'D)

Look, just go and find it.

ROBIN Found it.

ARTHUR Where?

ROBIN It's right there.

#14 Find Your Grail

(And indeed there is a small Grail standing alone on the stage. But as they approach the Grail it begins to rise in the air. The Grail continues to rise but now we see it is being held aloft by the LADY OF THE LAKE who emerges from a trap door. Or from inside the Gateway if no trap. Sacred music)

I-39

Scene Ten: The Quest for the Grail

The LADY OF THE LAKE sings an over the top ballad, accompanied by her lovely Ladies and their Knights. She is perhaps a little too "right on."

BASSES

AH

LAKER GIRLS AH

BASSES

AH

LAKER GIRLS AH

BASSES

AH

LAKER GIRLS AH

BASSES

AH

LAKER GIRLS AH

LADY OF THE LAKE:

IF YOU TRUST IN YOUR SOUL KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE GOAL THEN THE PRIZE YOU WON'T FAIL THAT'S YOUR GRAIL THAT'S YOUR GRAIL SO BE STRONG KEEP RIGHT ON TO THE END OF YOUR SONG DO NOT FAIL FIND YOUR GRAIL FIND YOUR GRAIL FIND YOUR GRAIL

LIFE IS REALLY UP TO YOU YOU MUST CHOOSE WHAT TO PURSUE SET YOUR MIND ON WHAT TO FIND

MORE

I-40

LADY OF THE LAKE (CONT'D) AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN'T DO SO KEEP RIGHT TO THE END YOU'LL FIND YOUR GOAL MY FRIEND YOU WON'T FAIL FIND YOUR GRAIL FIND YOUR GRAIL FIND YOUR GRAIL

(The CHORUS emerges with banners that read "Support Our Troops" "Quest for the Grail" "Go Arthur" etc. The GIRLS hand the KNIGHTS Grail shaped beacons which they wave above their heads like a bad Sixties production, until ARTHUR notices and calls the KNIGHTS together to climb a cut out mountain which slides on)

ENSEMBLE

AH! AH! AH!

KNIGHTS (WITHOUT ARTHUR)

FIND YOUR GRAIL FIND YOUR GRAIL.

(They descend the mountain only to turn and scamper back, handing their beacons to PATSY. ARTHUR remains at the top of the mountain as he speaks the next verse. The KNIGHTS all ride their horses in slow-motion as he intones the words seriously)

ARTHUR

(Spoken in rhythm:) When your life Seems to drift When we all Need a lift Trim your sail You won't fail Find your Grail Find Your Grail

(Sings:) LIFE IS REALLY UP TO YOU YOU MUST CHOOSE WHAT TO PURSUE SET YOUR MIND ON WHAT TO FIND

I-41

LADY OF THE LAKE AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN'T DO, YOU CAN'T DO!

(The LADY OF THE LAKE standing in a Terry Gilliam hand holding a large cut out Terry Gilliam hand holding a beacon rises behind the mountain)

KNIGHTS AND LADY

SO KEEP RIGHT TO THE END YOU'LL FIND YOUR GOAL MY FRIEND YOU WON'T FAIL FIND YOUR GRIAL FIND YOUR GRAIL

WOMEN AND MEN AH SO KEEP RIGHT TO THE END AH, AH…. FIND YOUR FRIEND AH AH AH

ALL

FIND YOUR GRAIL!

#14A In Search Of The Grail (The KNIGHTS break into a tight riding group with ARTHUR in front as two other KNIGHTS alternately bring on labeled buckets which they empty over the group)

KNIGHT 1

Spring!

(Empties pink blossoms over them)

KNIGHT 2 Summer!

(Empties green leaves over them)

KNIGHT 1 Winter!

(Empties snow over them)

KNIGHT 2 Water!

(The KNIGHTS object and shove him away.

I-42

Two other KNIGHTS wrapped in a painted cyclorama unroll a series of landscapes that provide a backdrop for our KNIGHTS to ride by, to the appropriate music cue. ARTHUR and PATSY are in China. LANCE is sideways in Egypt before a pyramid. ROBIN with a ukulele is in Hawaii before a volcano. GALAHAD does a Swiss lederhosen dance in front of snow capped mountains. Finally the two bucket KNIGHTS ENTER from opposite sides and sweep the stage clear of scattered debris. They stare at the audience totally disinterested)

I-43

Scene Eleven: The French Castle

(KING ARTHUR and his KNIGHTS arrive at the foot of the castle, and dismount)

ARTHUR

Halt! Hello! Hello!

(The TAUNTER, a silly mustachioed Frenchman, appears in the battlements of the castle)

TAUNTER

'Allo! Who is it?

ARTHUR It is King Arthur, and these are my Knights of the Round Table. Whose castle is this?

TAUNTER This is the castle of my master, Guy de Loimbard! The French bastard.

ARTHUR Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night he may join us on our quest for the Holy Grail.

TAUNTER Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen. He's already got one, you see?

ARTHUR What?

GALAHAD He says they've already got one!

ARTHUR Are you sure he's got one?

TAUNTER Oh, yes, it's very nice.

(Aside) Hey! I told him we already got one!

(The FRENCH GUARDS titter in mirth. We see only their helmets nodding in glee)

GUARDS

Tee hee.

ARTHUR Well, can we come in and have a look?

I-44

TAUNTER Of course not! You are English bed-wetting types!

ARTHUR Well, what are you then?

TAUNTER I'm French! Why do you think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king?

ARTHUR If you will not show us the Grail, we shall take this castle by force!

TAUNTER You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottoms, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called Arthur-king, you and all your silly English knnnniggets.

ARTHUR Now look here my good man!

TAUNTER I don't want to talk to you no more you empty headed animal food trough wipers!... I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries! Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time.

GALAHAD Is there someone else we could talk to?

TAUNTER Hey, no chance, son of a window-dresser! I wave my private parts at your aunties, you tiny-brained wipers of other people's bottoms!

ARTHUR I command you, in the name of the Knights of Camelot, to open the doors of this sacred castle, to which God himself has guided us!

TAUNTER Well, I burst my pimples at you and call your door-opening request a silly thing, you cheesy lot of second-hand electric donkey bottom biters. Thppt!

(Blows a raspberry)

FRENCHIES Thppt.

(The hands of the FRENCH KNIGHTS make very rude gestures between the battlements)

ROBIN

They're using rude gestures, sir.

GALAHAD The fiends. They haven't an ounce of chivalry.

I-45

ARTHUR

What do we do, Bedevere?

BEDEVERE Well, I believe it's time for Plan B, Sire. My secret weapon.

ARTHUR If you do not cease to taunt us, we shall be forced to bring out our secret weapon.

TAUNTER Oh, no. Oh, gee We are so scared. Oh, hey, did I mention before to you… Thhppt.

(The TAUNTER runs his head across, up and down the battlements before disappearing)

ARTHUR

Right that's it. They have a nasty shock coming to them. Bedevere. What the hell is that?

(BEDEVERE pulls a large wooden rabbit in from Stage Right)

BEDEVERE The wooden rabbit, Sire! It's the very latest in modern technology.

(The KNIGHTS are very impressed)

ROBIN Wow.

#14B The Rabbit

ARTHUR How does it work?

BEDEVERE Well, the beauty of it is its simplicity. We just leave it here and walk away.

(The ENGLISH withdraw. The French heads appear one by one horizontally in the gateway. The last head slides underneath the others. They contemplate the Rabbit)

TAUNTER

Qu'est ce-que c'est?

FRENCHIE What?

TAUNTER What is thees?

I-46

FRENCHIE

C'est un lapin, un grand lapin de bois.

TAUNTER A what?

FRENCHIE A rabbit. A large, wooden rabbit.

TAUNTER Oh, a large, wooden rabbit. How very very very nice. What is it doing here?

FRENCHIE Perhaps it is Art.

FRENCHIES Oh, Arte!

TAUNTER Oh, yes. Of course. It is Arte. Hey, French people! Come outside and have a look at our big new piece of Arte.

(Cliché FRENCH PEOPLE ENTER through the gateway. Men with matelot shirts and baguettes and berets, a painter in a smock, a mime and the girl from "Les Miserables" in the raincoat and hat, all making appreciative French-sounding ad libs)

TAUNTER

It is very big, you know, but what does it mean?

(The MIME mimes the meaning of the Rabbit)

TAUNTER (CONT'D) Oh, of course. So simple. Say no more.

ALL Brilliant! Oui! Oui! Formidable!

TAUNTER Bring the rabbit into the castle. We will hang it in the Salon next to the Renoir. But first let us see if the rabbit has any chocolate inside. It may be some kind of Easter thing.

(The FRENCH pull the Rabbit off, as the English emerge gleefully)

ARTHUR

Brilliant plan, Bedevere. They fell for it completely. What happens now?

I-47

BEDEVERE

Well, we wait until nightfall and then we all leap out of the rabbit.

ARTHUR What?

BEDEVERE We all leap out… of the …oh, dear... I forgot a bit. Supposing we were to build a large wooden badger...?

ARTHUR Shut up.

(The TAUNTER appears again over the battlements) #16 Run Away!

TAUNTER

The rabbit, she is empty! You have sent us an empty rabbit! That is too much for we French. Now we will make you pay from your very bowels. Fetchez le catapult!

(A FRENCH KNIGHT appears)

FRENCHIE Fetchez le catapult!

TAUNTER And… Fetchez la vache!

FRENCHIE Fetchez la vache!

ARTHUR What's a la vache?

BEDEVERE Sire, if I'm not mistaken, la vache means "the cow."

PATSY What could they possibly do with a cow?

(A life size cow comes flying over the ramparts of the castle, landing on PATSY and knocking him flat on his back. The FRENCH KNIGHTS APPEAR on the battlements laughing and taunting the English. They have long straight heraldic trumpets)

I-48

FRENCHIES HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA HA, HA, HA, HA, HA YOU ENGLISH ARE ALL BUGGER FOLK YOUR MOTHERS ARE ALL RUGGER FOLK YOUR ARMY IS A BLOODY JOKE YOU COULDN'T BEAT AN ARTICHOKE. IF BATTLE YOU CHOOSE TO RENEW WE'LL TAUNT YOU TILL YOU ALL TURN BLUE WE TURN OUR ARSES AS YOU PART IN YOUR DIRECTION WE ALL FART.

(The FRENCH KNIGHTS turn around, put the trumpets to their posteriors and fart)

TAUNTER

Fetchez Le Can-Can Dancers!

BRITS Run away!

(The ENGLISH run into a line of Can-Can girls, and men in Can-Can skirts emerging from the Gateway)

BRITS AND FRENCH

RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY! RUN, RUN, RUN, RUN, RUN, RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!

(Crazy French Chase!)

ROBIN Ooh

ROBIN, ARTHUR, BEDEVRE, AND PATSY La, la!

ALL RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY, RUN AWAY RUN AWAY, RUN AWAY, RUN AWAY. RUN AWAY, RUN AWAY. RUN AWAY.,RUN AWAY, RUN AWAY.

I-49

(The Portcullis descends separating the French from the English who are now downstage in a small group.

As they run away, on the spot, the Castle — on projection — retreats behind them into the distance, while small animals rain down on them)

ARTHUR

WE'RE STUCK IN A NASTY POSITION WHY DON'T YOU TAKE A SHORT INTERMISSION HAVE A DRINK AND A PEE WE'LL BE BACK FOR ACT THREE

PATSY

TWO, SIR.

ARTHUR TWO.

ALL

RUN AWAY, RUN AWAY, RUN AWAY, RUN AWAY, RUN AWAY RUN, RUN, RUN, RUN, RUN, RUN, RUN AWAY!

(On projection — if used — the wooden rabbit flies out of the distant castle hovers in the air over their heads before landing and smashing itself to pieces)

INTERMISSION

II-1

#17 Entr'acte

ACT TWO

Scene One: The Mighty Portcullis

(HISTORIAN ENTERS)

#17A The Very Expensive Forest

HISTORIAN Defeat, at the castle in Act One, seems to have utterly disheartened King Arthur. The ferocity of the French taunting took him completely by surprise. King Arthur and his Knights fled for their lives and were instantly scattered and lost in a dark and very expensive forest.

(The Portcullis rises to reveal a forest)

II-2

Scene Two: A very expensive Forest

(KING ARTHUR rides in with PATSY)

ARTHUR This is a total bloody disaster! All my Knights have fled and we're lost in a dark and extremely expensive forest.

($ signs — or local currency — appear projected in the trees)

FX Ch-ching [Cash register])

PATSY Well, it could be worse.

ARTHUR How could it possibly be worse?

VOICE Ni!

ARTHUR Oh, no.

VOICE Ni!

VOICES Ni Peng! Ni Wom! Ni.

(The KNIGHTS OF NI wear furry cloaks and distinctive helmets with huge antlers. [They are played by the GIRL DANCERS.] THE PRINCIPAL KNIGHT OF NI stands on stilts, hidden by his long robe. He carries a staff with an owl's head to support himself)

ARTHUR

Who are you?

NI KNIGHT: We are the Knights Who Say… Ni!

ARTHUR No! Not the Knights Who Say Ni!

NI KNIGHT The same! We are the keepers of the sacred words: Ni Peng, and Ni-wom!

VOICE Ni-wom!

II-3

ARTHUR

Those who hear these words seldom live to tell the tale!

PATSY Oh, great.

NI KNIGHT The Knights Who Say Ni demand a sacrifice!

ARTHUR Oh, Knights of Ni, we are but simple travelers lost in these woods.

NI KNIGHT Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!

ARTHUR Oh, ow!

NI KNIGHT We shall say 'ni' again to you if you do not appease us.

ARTHUR Well, what is it that you want?

NI KNIGHT We want… a shrubbery!

NI KNIGHTS A shrubbery! A shrubbery!

ARTHUR Where the hell are we going to find a shrubbery?

NI KNIGHT If you do not find us a shrubbery, you must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest with… a herring.

(The KNIGHT produces a large herring from his costume)

NI KNIGHTS A Herring! Herring! Herring!

(PATSY and ARTHUR exchange glances)

ARTHUR All right. We'll find you a shrubbery.

NI KNIGHT Good! You must return here with a lovely shrubbery or else you will never pass through this wood alive!

II-4

(The KNIGHTS all EXIT)

ARTHUR

Where are we going to find a shrubbery?

PATSY Well, maybe we can build one? Out of cats.

ARTHUR Don't be ridiculous. Where are we going to find cats? This is a total disaster. You think it would be easy: one, round up a bunch of knights; two, seek and find the Holy Grail; and five…

PATSY Three, sir.

#18 Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life

ARTHUR Three, go home. But no. I'm so depressed.

PATSY Cheer up, Sire. You know what they say…

ARTHUR What do they say, Patsy?

PATSY SOME THINGS IN LIFE ARE BAD, THEY CAN REALLY MAKE YOU MAD. OTHER THINGS JUST MAKE YOU SWEAR AND CURSE. WHEN YOU'RE CHEWING ON LIFE'S GRISTLE, DON'T GRUMBLE, GIVE A WHISTLE! AND THIS'LL HELP THINGS TURN OUT FOR THE BEST... AND... ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE!

(Whistles) ALWAYS LOOK ON THE RIGHT SIDE OF LIFE...

(Speaks:) You try it...

(ARTHUR fails to whistle)

PATSY (CONT'D) (Sings:)

IF LIFE SEEMS JOLLY ROTTEN, THERE'S SOMETHING YOU'VE FORGOTTEN! AND THAT'S TO LAUGH AND SMILE AND DANCE AND SING, WHEN YOU'RE FEELING IN THE DUMPS,

II-5

DON'T BE SILLY CHUMPS, JUST PURSE YOUR LIPS AND WHISTLE, THAT'S THE THING! AND…

(A chorus line of KNIGHTS ENTER singing and whistling)

PATSY AND KNIGHTS

ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE... (Whistles)

ALWAYS LOOK ON THE RIGHT SIDE OF LIFE... (Whistles)

PATSY

(The KNIGHTS sing back-up "Ooos") FOR LIFE IS QUITE ABSURD, AND DEATH'S THE FINAL WORD. YOU MUST ALWAYS FACE THE CURTAIN WITH A BOW! FORGET ABOUT YOUR SIN — GIVE THE AUDIENCE A GRIN, ENJOY IT — IT'S YOUR LAST CHANCE ANYHOW!

(Clap of thunder. It begins to rain heavily.

PATSY runs and picks up an umbrella which he holds over ARTHUR'S head)

ARTHUR

ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF DEATH!

CHORUS (Whistles)

ARTHUR

JUST BEFORE YOU DRAW YOUR TERMINAL BREATH.

CHORUS (Whistles)

ARTHUR

LIFE'S A PIECE OF SHIT, WHEN YOU LOOK AT IT. LIFE'S A LAUGH AND DEATH'S A JOKE, IT'S TRUE.

PATSY

YOU'LL SEE IT'S ALL A SHOW, KEEP 'EM LAUGHING AS YOU GO.

(ARTHUR grabs PATSY'S umbrella)

ARTHUR

JUST REMEMBER THAT THE LAST LAUGH IS ON YOU!

II-6

KNIGHTS ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE...

(Whistle) ALWAYS LOOK ON THE RIGHT SIDE OF LIFE

(Whistle)

(PATSY and the KNIGHTS go into a Tap Break with the umbrellas)

PATSY AND KNIGHTS

ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE... (Whistle)

ALWAYS LOOK ON THE RIGHT SIDE OF LIFE...

PATSY Follow me, Sire!

PATSY AND ARTHUR FOR LIFE IS QUITE ABSURD AND DEATH'S THE FINAL WORD YOU MUST ALWAYS FACE THE CURTAIN WITH A BOW.

(MRS. GALAHAD ENTERS pulling a small low cart with a shrubbery on it)

ARTHUR

Excuse me, is that a shrubbery?

MOTHER Yes, I was just throwing it out; the cat won't leave it alone.

ARTHUR What a stroke of luck! I'll take it off your hands.Thank you, Patsy!

ARTHUR AND PATSY ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE... ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE… SIDE OF LIFE… SIDE OF LIFE...!

(PATSY and ARTHUR end triumphantly – though the KING insists PATSY makes a back for him to sit on. A clap of thunder.

PATSY and ARTHUR EXIT hurriedly holding their shrubbery) # 18A Bright Side Playoff # 19 Brave Sir Robin

II-7

Scene Three: Sir Robin and His Minstrels

(ENTER through the Gateway SIR ROBIN with four MINSTRELS playing fife, lute, tambourine and tabor. They skip and dance down stage, ROBIN'S smile freezing fast as he listens to the lyrics)

MINSTREL

BRAVELY BOLD SIR ROBIN, RODE FORTH FROM CAMELOT. HE WAS NOT AFRAID TO DIE, O BRAVE SIR ROBIN. HE WAS NOT AT ALL AFRAID TO BE KILLED IN NASTY WAYS. BRAVE, BRAVE, BRAVE, BRAVE SIR ROBIN! HE WAS NOT IN THE LEAST BIT SCARED TO BE MASHED INTO A PULP, OR TO HAVE HIS EYES GOUGED OUT, AND HIS ELBOWS BROKEN. TO HAVE HIS KNEECAPS SPLIT, AND HIS BODY BURNED AWAY, AND HIS LIMBS ALL HACKED AND MANGLED, BRAVE SIR ROBIN! HIS HEAD SMASHED IN AND HIS HEART CUT OUT, AND HIS LIVER REMOVED AND HIS BOWELS UNPLUGGED, AND HIS NOSTRILS RAPED AND HIS BOTTOM BURNED OFF, AND HIS PENIS SPLIT AND HIS…

(ROBIN puts his finger firmly on the tambourine)

ROBIN

That's… enough music for now, lads.

(Thunder.

A terrifying BLACK KNIGHT ENTERS)

BLACK KNIGHT None shall pass!

ROBIN Hva….Hva….Oo!

(ROBIN holds his backside. Some disaster has occurred in his pants. He turns and runs away, holding his butt. After a beat his MUSICIANS pursue him)

MINSTREL

BRAVE SIR ROBIN RAN AWAY! BRAVELY RAN AWAY, AWAY LET US PRAISE THAT MAN ALL DAY WHO SOILED HIS PANTS AND THEN RAN AWAY… WHEN DANGER REARED ITS UGLY HEAD, HE SIMLPY SHAT HIMSELF INSTEAD…

II-8

Scene Four: The Black Knight

(KING ARTHUR rides in with PATSY holding the shrubbery. The BLACK KNIGHT bars his way)

ARTHUR

Good Sir Knight. I am King Arthur looking for my men. Would you care to join us?

BLACK KNIGHT None shall pass!

ARTHUR I see. Well, good sir knight I have no quarrel with you, but I must pass this way.

BLACK KNIGHT Then you shall die.

ARTHUR I command you as King of the Britons to stand aside!

BLACK KNIGHT I move for no man.

#19A The Black Knight

ARTHUR So be it!

(KING ARTHUR draws his sword and after a short battle chops the BLACK KNIGHT'S left arm off)

ARTHUR

Now yield, worthy adversary.

BLACK KNIGHT 'Tis but a scratch.

ARTHUR A scratch? Your arm's off!

BLACK KNIGHT No, it isn't.

ARTHUR Well, what's that then?

BLACK KNIGHT I've had worse.

ARTHUR You liar!

II-9

BLACK KNIGHT

Come on, you pansy!

(The fight continues. Soon ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT'S right arm off. ARTHUR makes a triumphant gesture and then kneels in prayer)

ARTHUR

Victory is mine! We thank thee Lord, that in thy mercy —

(The armless BLACK KNIGHT kicks ARTHUR in the buttocks while he is praying)

BLACK KNIGHT

Come on then.

ARTHUR What?

BLACK KNIGHT Have at you!

ARTHUR You are indeed brave, good Sir Knight, but the fight is mine.

BLACK KNIGHT Oh, had enough, eh?

ARTHUR Look, you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left.

BLACK KNIGHT Yes, I have.

ARTHUR Look!

BLACK KNIGHT It's just a flesh wound. You yellow bastard! I'll bite your legs off! You chickenshit, lily-livered, upper class twit.

(The BLACK KNIGHT backs up to the comparative darkness of the Gateway, where he hides the lower part of his body behind a trick door while the MONK ENTERS with a large basket distracting the attention of the audience)

II-10

MONK Alms for the poor! Alms for the poor!

(The MONK picks up an arm and puts it in the basket. PATSY gives him the other arm)

MONK (CONT'D)

Arms for the poor! Arms for the poor! (EXITS)

BLACK KNIGHT

The Black Knight always triumphs! I'm invincible!

ARTHUR You're a loony.

(ARTHUR runs a sword through the BLACK KNIGHT'S chest pinning him to the castle door)

BLACK KNIGHT

Chicken-chicken-chicken-chicken.

(ARTHUR swipes at the BLACK KNIGHT'S legs)

BLACK KNIGHT (CONT'D) Ha! You missed me!

(Both his legs flop on the stage)

ARTHUR Come on, Patsy!

BLACK KNIGHT All right, we'll call it a tie.

(Alt: All right, we'll call it a draw)

(ARTHUR rides off, leaving the legless, armless BLACK KNIGHT pinioned to the castle)

BLACK KNIGHT (CONT'D)

(Sings:) ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE….

#19B Brave Sir Robin – Reprise

II-11

Scene Five: Another Part of the Expensive Forest

(ENTER ROBIN upstage right pursued by his MINSTRELS)

MINSTREL HE WAS RUNNING AWAY AND CHICKENING OUT

ROBIN

No!

MINSTREL AND BUGGERING OFF AND PISSING OFF HOME

ROBIN

It's not true!

MINSTREL WHEN DANGER REARED ITS UGLY HEAD

ROBIN

Don't you have another song?

MINSTREL HE SIMPLY SHAT HIMSELF INSTEAD…

(ARTHUR and PATSY ENTER)

ARTHUR

Robin! Are you running away?

ROBIN No, no, Sire, I was not running away. I was running to where I thought the Grail might be… Sort of over here.

(The KNIGHT OF NI has slipped on and scares him)

NI KNIGHT Hello!

ROBIN Ah!

(ROBIN holds his pants. There may have been another accident)

NI KNIGHT So I come again, unexpectedly!

ROBIN You stupid idiot, that really scared me, it is so…

II-12

KNIGHTS Aaaaugh! Aaaugh!

HEAD KNIGHT Don't say that word.

ROBIN What word?

HEAD KNIGHT I cannot tell; suffice to say that's one of the words the Knights of Ni cannot hear.

ROBIN How can we not say the word if you don't tell us what it is?

KNIGHTS Aaaaugh! Aaaugh! He said the word again!

ARTHUR What is?

HEAD KNIGHT No, not is – you wouldn't get very far in life not saying is.

ARTHUR Oh, stop it!

KNIGHTS Aaaaugh!

HEAD KNIGHT Stop saying the word!

ROBIN Is it stop?

KNIGHTS Aaaaugh!

HEAD KNIGHT Oh, you said it again! Oh, I just said it! Oh I said it again! Oh, that's three times I've said it!

(ARTHUR grabs the shrubbery from PATSY)

ARTHUR O Knights of Ni, we have brought you your shrubbery.

NI KNIGHTS Oooooo….

II-13

ARTHUR May we pass now?

NI KNIGHT Hm. That is a good shrubbery. I like the cat smell particularly. But there is one small problem.

ARTHUR And what is that?

NI KNIGHT We are now... no longer The Knights Who Say Ni.

OTHERS Ni!

NI KNIGHT Shh shh. We are now The Knights Who Say Ecky-ecky-ecky-ecky-f'tang-f'tang- boing-boing-olé biscuit barrel… (etc. ad lib) Therefore, we must give you a new test.

ARTHUR What is this test, O Knights of Ecky ecky…O Artists formerly known as The Knights who say Ni?

NI KNIGHT The new test is you must put on a Broadway musical.

ROBIN Oh, yes!

NI KNIGHT But not an Andrew Lloyd Webber.

ALL Ahhh. No. No.

NI KNIGHT C'mon lets go book seats on the web.

(EXITS)

NI KNIGHTS Ecky, ecky, F'tang, F'tang…

ARTHUR Have you heard of this Broadway?

#19C Broadway Underscore

ROBIN Yes, Sire, and we don't stand a chance.

II-14

ARTHUR

Why not?

(ROBIN steps toward the audience)

ROBIN Because Broadway…

(Underscore begins)

ROBIN (CONT'D) … is a very special place, filled with very special people; people who can sing and dance, often at the same time. They are a different people, a multi-talented people, a people who need people, who are in many ways the luckiest people in the world. I'm sorry, Sire, but we don't have a chance.

ARTHUR But who are these special people?

#20 You Won't Succeed On Broadway

ROBIN Well, let me put it like this.

(ARTHUR and PATSY sit on stools, as ROBIN begins his song)

ROBIN (CONT'D) (Spoken in rhythm:)

IN ANY GREAT ADVENTURE IF YOU DON'T WANT TO LOSE VICTORY DEPENDS UPON THE PEOPLE THAT YOU CHOOSE SO LISTEN, ARTHUR, DARLING CLOSELY TO THIS NEWS WE WON'T SUCCEED IN BROADWAY. IF WE DON'T HAVE ANY JEWS. YOU MAY HAVE THE FINEST SETS FILL THE STAGE WITH PENTHOUSE PETS YOU MAY HAVE THE LOVELIEST COSTUMES AND BEST SHOES YOU MAY DANCE AND YOU MAY SING BUT I'M SORRY, ARTHUR KING, YOU'LL HEAR NO CHEERS JUST LOTS AND LOTS OF BOOS

MINSTRELS

BOO!

II-15

ROBIN (Sings:)

YOU MAY HAVE BUTCH MEN BY THE SCORE WHOM THE AUDIENCE ADORE YOU MAY EVEN HAVE SOME ANIMALS FROM ZOOS

(MINSTRELS make animal sounds)

ROBIN (CONT'D) (Spoken in rhythm:)

THOUGH YOU'VE POLES AND KRAUTS INSTEAD YOU MAY HAVE UNLEAVENED BREAD BUT I TELL YOU YOU ARE DEAD IF YOU DON'T HAVE ANY JEWS

(Three GIRLS wearing Stars of David dance sedately then break into an extravagant tap)

ROBIN (CONT'D)

THEY WON'T CARE IF IT'S WITTY OR EVERYTHING LOOKS PRETTY THEY'LL SIMPLY SAY IT'S SHITTY, AND REFUSE. NOBODY WILL GO, SIR IF IT'S NOT KOSHER, THEN NO SHOW, SIR EVEN GOYIM WON'T BE DIM ENOUGH TO CHOOSE

(Sings:) PUT ON SHOWS THAT MAKE MEN STARE WITH LOTS OF GIRLS IN UNDERWEAR

(LOVELY LADY in high heels and sexy white lingerie walks across)

ROBIN (CONT'D)

YOU MAY EVEN HAVE THE FINEST OF REVIEWS

LOVELY LADY You're doin' great!

ROBIN (Spoken in rhythm:)

BUT THE AUDIENCES WON'T CARE, SIR AS LONG AS YOU DON'T DARE, SIR TO OPEN UP ON BROADWAY

ARTHUR AND PATSY

IF WE DON'T HAVE ANY JEWS!

ROBIN YOU MAY HAVE DRAMATIC LIGHTING AND LOTS OF HORRID FIGHTING

MORE

II-16

ROBIN (CONT'D) YOU MAY EVEN HAVE SOME WHITE MEN SING THE BLUES YOUR KNIGHTS MAY BE NICE BOYS BUT SADLY WE'RE ALL GOYS AND THAT NOISE THAT YOU CALL SINGING YOU MUST LOSE.

(Speaking turns into singing:) SO DESPITE YOUR PRETTY LIGHTS NAUGHTY GIRLS IN NASTY TIGHTS

(This time two LOVELY GIRLS in white lingerie cross from stage left)

ROBIN (CONT'D)

AND THE MOST IMPRESSIVE SCENERY YOU USE (Spoken in rhythm:)

YOU MAY HAVE DANCING MANO E MANO YOU MAY BRING ON A PIANO BUT THEY WILL NOT GIVE A DAMN-O IF YOU DON'T HAVE ANY JEWS.

(Two MINSTRELS bring on a piano, and then place a Hanukkah candelabra on it. ROBIN removes his gloves and plays a short cadenza on the piano. Then he stands and dramatically throws his arms in the air suddenly becoming Tevye. The CHORUS ENTER with hats and Grails which they place on their hats and perform a "Fiddler on the Roof" bottle dance. A CHORUS LADY ENTERS pulling a small cart with a bale of hay. They all point to it)

ALL

HEY!

ROBIN (Sings:)

AH! AH!

YOU MAY FILL YOUR PLAYS WITH GAYS HAVE NIGERIAN GIRLS IN STAYS

WOMEN

YOU MAY EVEN HAVE SOME SHIKSAS MAKING STEWS.

II-17

MEN YOU HAVEN'T GOT A CLUE IF YOU DON'T HAVE A JEW ALL OF YOUR INVESTMENTS YOU ARE GOING TO LOSE

ROBIN

THERE'S A VERY SMALL PERCENTILE WHO ENJOYS A DANCING GENTILE I'M SAD TO BE THE ONE WITH THIS BAD NEWS

ALL

BUT NEVER MIND YOUR SWORDPLAY YOU JUST WON'T SUCCEED ON BROADWAY YOU JUST DON'T SUCCEED ON BROADWAY IF YOU DON'T HAVE ANY JEWS.

(A Proscenium arch appears with a red velvet curtain. ROBIN is thrown a cane and a skull cap)

ROBIN

(Spoken) Papa, can you hear me?!

(Sings:) TO GET ALONG ON BROADWAY TO SING YOUR SONG ON BROADWAY TO HIT THE TOP ON BROADWAY AND NOT LOSE I TELL YOU, ARTHUR KING, THERE IS ONE ESSENTIAL THING

(A huge Star of David in light bulbs descends)

ROBIN (CONT'D)

THERE SIMPLY MUST BE, SIMPLY MUST BE JEWS. THERE SIMPLY MUST BE, ARTHUR, TRUST ME SIMPLY MUST BE JEWS.

(Tableau) #20A Broadway Playoff (And the red velvet curtain falls leaving ROBIN with ARTHUR and PATSY)

ARTHUR

Gosh. Well I suppose we'd better go and find some Jews then.

(And they ride off)

II-18

Scene Six: Yet Another Part of the Expensive Forest

(LANCE rides in with his page CONCORDE. He is a very flashy rider)

LANCE

Here we go, Concorde. And side saddle. Well done. And backwards, lovely. And Big jump, very Big jump. And steady, and over we go. Well taken, Concorde.

CONCORDE Thank you, sir.

(CONCORD gets an arrow in the chest which knocks him flat backwards on his pack)

CONCORDE

Message for you, sir.

(LANCE pulls the message from the arrow and reads)

LANCE "To whoever finds this note, I have been imprisoned by my father, who wishes me to marry against my will. Please, please, please come and rescue me. I am in the tall tower of Swamp Castle." At last! A erm…?

CONCORDE Cry of distress, sir?

LANCE A cry of distress! This could be the sign that leads us to the… er… small shining drinking object… erm…

CONCORDE The Holy Grail, sir.

LANCE Exactly. Well done, Concorde! You shall not have died in vain!

CONCORDE I'm not quite dead, sir.

LANCE Oh, I see.

CONCORDE Actually, I think I'm all right to come with you…

LANCE No, no, no sweet Concorde! Deeds like this must be accomplished…

CONCORDE Single handedly?

II-19

LANCE

Yes I knew that one. Single handedly. So, stay here, take your lunch, and I shall return as soon as I have accomplished a heroic and daring… thing where you free someone from jeopardy…

CONCORDE Rescue?

LANCE Rescue. Thank you. Farewell, Concorde!

(LANCE rides off heroically CONCORDE rises painfully and EXITS banging his coconuts)

CONCORDE

Ow! Ow! Ow!

II-20

Scene Seven: On stage at Spamalot.

(The red plush curtain descends. An irate LADY OF THE LAKE, in a dressing gown revealing a fine bustier underneath, storms on. She snaps her fingers for her spotlight, glares at the CONDUCTOR and waves her hand for her music)

#21 Whatever Happened To My Part?

LADY OF THE LAKE

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO MY PART? IT WAS EXCITING AT THE START NOW WE'RE HALF-WAY THROUGH ACT TWO AND I'VE HAD NOTHING YET TO DO I'VE BEEN OFF STAGE FOR FAR TOO LONG IT'S AGES SINCE I HAD A SONG THIS IS ONE UNHAPPY DIVA THE PRODUCER'S A DECEIVER SHE TOLD ME TO BELIEVE HER THERE IS NOTHING I CAN SING FROM MY HEART. WHATEVER HAPPENED TO MY PART? MY LOVE LIFE IS A MESS I'VE GOT CONSTANT P.M.S. MY CAREER IS ABOUT AS HOT AS ICE THEY HATE ME THERE BACKSTAGE THEY SAY I'M TOO OLD FOR MY AGE THEY'RE TRYING TO REPLACE ME WITH POSH SPICE. WITH POSH SPICE! WHATEVER HAPPENED TO MY SHOW? I WAS A HIT NOW I DON'T KNOW I'M WITH A BUNCH OF BRITISH KNIGHTS PRANCING 'ROUND IN WOOLY TIGHTS! I MIGHT AS WELL GO TO THE PUB THEY'VE BEEN OUT SEARCHING FOR A SHRUB OUT SHOPPING FOR A BUSH WELL THEY CAN KISS MY TUSH IT SEEMS TO ME THEY'VE REALLY LOST THE PLOT WHATEVER HAPPENED TO MY I'LL CALL MY AGENT, DAMMIT WHATEVER HAPPENED TO MY NOT YOURS NOT YOURS BUT MY PART!

(She receives a bouquet thrown up by the CONDUCTOR and EXITS happily)

II-21

Scene Eight: Prince Herbert's Chamber in Swamp Castle.

(The Prince's Chamber is on the bridge above the Gateway, with a large window with rather gay curtains. A very pasty-faced PRINCE HERBERT, holding a bow from whence he has just fired the arrow into CONCORDE, sings earnestly)

#22 Where Are You?

HERBERT

WHERE ARE YOU? WHERE ARE YOU? WHERE ARE YOU, MY HEART'S DESIRE? MY HEART IS TRUE BUT WHERE ARE YOU? ONLY YOU CAN QUENCH THE FIRE WHERE ARE YOU? WHERE ARE YOU?

(FATHER ENTERS through the Gateway in haste and stops the orchestra playing)

FATHER

Stop that! Stop all that singing. (Mounts the stairs at high speed)

Listen, lad, one day all this will be yours!

HERBERT What, the curtains?

FATHER No, not the curtains! All that you can see! Stretched out over the hills and valleys of this land! This will be your kingdom!

HERBERT But, Mother…

FATHER Father.

#22A Where Are You? #2

HERBERT Father, I don't want any of that. I'd rather…

FATHER Rather what?!

II-22

HERBERT I'd rather… just…...sing!

(Sings:) WHERE ARE YOU? WHERE ARE YOU…

FATHER Stop that! You're not going to do a song while I'm here. In twenty minutes you're getting married to a girl whose father owns the biggest tracts of open land in Britain.

HERBERT But I don't want land.

FATHER Listen, Alice…

HERBERT Herbert.

FATHER Herbert. We live in a bloody swamp. We need land.

HERBERT But I don't like her.

#22B Where Are You? #3

FATHER Don't like her?! What's wrong with her? She's beautiful, she's rich, she's got huge… tracts of land.

HERBERT I know, but I want the person I marry to have... a certain... special... something…

(Sings:) AND ANOTHER HUNDRED PEOPLE JUST CONTRACTED THE PLAGUE OR FELL INTO THE SWAMP… WHILE ANOTHER HUNDRED PEOPLE JUST CON…

FATHER

Cut that out! Look, you're marrying Princess Lucky, so you'd better get used to the idea. Guards!

(As FATHER descends the stairs, TWO GUARDS carrying halberds ENTER)

FATHER (CONT'D)

Make sure the Prince doesn't leave this room until I come and get him.

GUARD #1 Right! Not… to leave the room… even if you come and get him.

FATHER No, no. Until I come and get him.

II-23

GUARD #1

Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room.

FATHER No…You stay in the room and make sure he doesn't leave.

GUARD #1 …and you'll come and get him.

FATHER That's right.

GUARD #1 We don't need to do anything, apart from just stop him entering the room.

FATHER Leaving the room.

GUARD #1 Leaving the room…. yes.

FATHER Got it?

GUARD #1 Can he leave the room with us?

FATHER (Carefully)

No….it's simple... keep him in here… and make sure….

GUARD #1 Oh, yes! We'll keep him in here, obviously.But if he had to leave…and we were with him…

FATHER No… just keep him in here.

GUARD #1 Until you, or anyone else…

FATHER No. Not anyone else, just me.

GUARD #1 Just you.

FATHER Get back.

II-24

GUARD #1 Got it. We'll remain here until you get back.

FATHER And make sure he doesn't leave.

GUARD #1 What?

FATHER Make sure he doesn't leave.

GUARD #1 The Prince…?

FATHER Yes, make sure…

GUARD #1 Oh, yes, of course! I thought you meant him…you know, it seemed a bit daft, me having to guard him when he's a guard.

FATHER Is that clear?

GUARD #1 Oh, yes. That's quite clear. No problems.

(FATHER turns and starts to leave through the Gateway and they follow him)

FATHER

Where are you going?

GUARD #1 We're coming with you.

FATHER No, I want you to stay here and make sure he doesn't leave the room until I get back.

#22C Where Are You? #4

GUARD #1 Oh, I see, right.

HERBERT But, Father!

II-25

FATHER Oh, just shut your noise, you! And get that suit on!

(Music up)

FATHER (CONT'D) And no singing!

(FATHER EXITS. Shouts offstage. Screams. The GUARDS smile happily)

LANCE rushes in, his sword drawn and bloody)

GUARD #1

Ah. Now you're not to leave the room until…

(LANCE stabs him)

GUARD #2 Hic.

(LANCE stabs him too and races up the stairs to kneel before the PRINCE)

LANCE

Oh fair one, behold your humble servant, Sir Lancelot from the Court of Camelot, I have come to take you….away …and oh …I'm terribly sorry…

HERBERT You got my note?

LANCE Well… I got a note.

HERBERT You've come to rescue me?

#22D Here You Are

LANCE Well, yes, but I hadn't realized…

HERBERT I knew someone would come. I knew that somewhere out there… there must be…

(Sings:) HERE ARE YOU HERE ARE YOU, HERE ARE YOU, SIR LANCELOT…

(FATHER rushes in)

II-26

FATHER

Stop that! Who are you?

PRINCE I'm your son.

FATHER Not you.

LANCE I'm Sir Lancelot from Camelot, sir.

PRINCE He's come to rescue me, father.

LANCE Well, let's not jump to conclusions…. Say, these are nice curtains.

HERBERT Aren't they?

LANCE They're wonderful! Wherever did you find them?

HERBERT Well, there's a little chap with a stock of adorable fabrics…

FATHER Excuse me! Did you kill those guards?

LANCE Yes... I'm very sorry. But I can explain everything…

HERBERT Don't be afraid of him, Sir Lancelot. I've got a rope here all ready. He throws a rope made of knotted sheets, tied to the castle rampart, out of the window.

FATHER You killed eight wedding guests.

LANCE Er, well, the thing is… I thought your son… was a lady.

FATHER I can understand that.

HERBERT (Half out of the window)

Hurry, brave Sir Lancelot.

II-27

FATHER

You killed the bride's father.

LANCE Oh, no. Oh, dear. I didn't really mean to…

FATHER Didn't mean to? You put your sword through his head.

LANCE Gosh, is he all right?

FATHER You kicked the bride in the chest!

LANCE Oh, well, now she was asking for it, sir. Wearing white and crying.

FATHER This is going to cost me a fortune.

HERBERT I am ready, Sir Lancelot. I am ready…

(FATHER nonchalantly slices the rope. HERBERT disappears.

There is a pause then a thump from below. LANCE follows FATHER down stairs)

FATHER

Would you like to come and have a drink?

LANCE I say, sir. Was that entirely necessary? I do believe you just killed that poor little fellow.

FATHER Oh, let's not bicker and argue about who killed who. After all, I am a recently bereaved father, who has just lost his son, my boy Herbert, who has just fallen to his death.

(HERBERT is carried in, in the arms of CONCORDE)

HERBERT I'm not quite dead.

FATHER Herbert.

HERBERT I'm feeling much better.

II-28

FATHER You fell from the Tall Tower, you creep!

HERBERT No, I was saved at the last minute.

FATHER How?!

#23 He's Going To Tell

HERBERT Well, I'll tell you…

(Music starts. The TWO GUARDS pick up their halberds and stand for a song)

FATHER

Not like that! Not like that!

HERBERT I'M GOING TO TELL!

CONCORDE AND THE TWO GUARDS

HE'S GOING TO TELL

HERBERT I'M GOING TO TELL!

CONCORDE AND THE TWO GUARDS

HE'S GOING TO TELL!

HERBERT I'M GOING TO TELL!

CONCORDE AND THE TWO GUARDS

HE'S GOING TO TELL!

HERBERT I'M GOING TO TELL

(FATHER grabs a halberd from one of the GUARDS [then GUARDS EXIT] and menaces his son. LANCE interposes himself between the irate FATHER and the terrified HERBERT)

II-29

LANCE Leave him alone! This poor little chap is your son, sir. All he ever wanted was a little love and affection, but did you ever give it to him? No, no…

(Becoming emotional) … I'll wager you denied him. You try to kill him, and worse, far worse, you try to marry him off to some girl, some female that he obviously has no feelings for whatsoever. Yes, yes I know a little bit about bullying fathers you bastard. Have you no heart? Have you no human tenderness? Can't you see that all he's asking for is a little love and understanding?

(Almost overcome) Is that too much to ask? Is it? Too Much! To Ask!

FATHER (Beat)

My god! You're gay.

#24 His Name Is Lancelot

HERBERT LANCELOT, YOU MIGHT AS WELL JUST FESS UP REALLY, YOU'RE A DIFF'RENT KIND OF GUY MOVE ASIDE YOUR SCABBARD FOR UNDERNEATH YOUR TABARD THERE IS WAITING TO ESCAPE A BUTTERFLY…

(CONCORDE and HERBERT take away LANCES sword and remove his tabard to reveal he is wearing a silver codpiece underneath. The MEN ENTER in "Carnival in Rio" costumes shaking maracas. A very gay rumba numba begins)

MEN

HIS…NAME... IS LANCELOT! AND IN TIGHT PANTS A LOT HE LIKES TO DANCE A LOT YOU KNOW YOU DO

LANCE

(Spoken in rhythm:) I DO?

MEN

SO JUST SAY, "THANKS, A LOT!" AND TRY ROMANCE,

(Spoken in rhythm:) IT'S HOT!

(Singss:) LET'S FIND OUT WHO'S REALLY YOU.

MORE

II-30

(LANCE finds himself in a John Travolta pose. To his horror his hips begin moving uncontrollably to the beat, as the women sing "La-las" under the MEN'S verse)

MEN (CONT'D)

HIS NAME IS LANCELOT HE VISITS FRANCE A LOT HE LIKES TO DANCE A LOT AND DREAM NO ONE WOULD EVER KNOW THAT THIS OUTRAGEOUS PRO BATS FOR THE OTHER TEAM.

(LANCE tries to escape from this nightmare but runs straight into HERBERT who is wearing a very large Carmen Miranda hat filled with fruit)

HERBERT

YOU'RE A KNIGHT WHO REALLY LIKES HIS NIGHT LIFE AND BY DAY YOU REALLY LIKE TO PLAY YOU CAN ALL FIND HIM PUMPING AT THE GYM AT THE CAMELOT Y.M.C.A.!

(A heavy disco beat. Fluorescent Disco light. The men dance outrageously. LANCE begins to enjoy himself, eventually dancing happily with HERBERT. Off-stage, woman singing obligato "la's")

MEN

HIS NAME IS LANCELOT JUST WATCH HIM DANCE-A-LOT HE DOESN'T CARE WHAT PEOPLE SAY

(Finger snaps) FOR WHEN HE STARTS TO

(Spoken in rhythm:) DANCE

(Singss:) JUST GRAB YOUR UNDERPANTS

HERBERT

HE CAN FINALLY COME OUT AND SAY THAT HE IS G.A.Y.

MEN M.C.A. HE'S GAY!

II-31

For the final tableau HERBERT slides through LANCE'S legs with his hat and the banana perfectly positioned)

LANCE

(Spoken in rhythm:) O.K.!

(As the disco beat plays them off, LANCE mimes "call me" as he waves farewell to HERBERT)

II-32

Scene Nine: A Bridge Too Far

(ARTHUR and PATSY descend the stairs)

ARTHUR Now how many Jews have we got so far?

PATSY None, sir.

ARTHUR It's hopeless. This is so depressing. I don't know a single Jewish person. And how are we going to put on a Broadway show? Broadway's a thousand years in the future in a country that hasn't yet been discovered. So let me get this straight. I'm a King, without a single knight to command. There's nobody. I'm absolutely alone.

#25 I'm All Alone.

ARTHUR (CONT'D) (Sings:)

I'M ALL ALONE ALL BY MYSELF THERE IS NO ONE HERE BESIDE ME

(PATSY looks puzzled. There is him)

ARTHUR (CONT'D)

I'M ALL ALONE QUITE ALL ALONE NO ONE TO COMFORT ME OR GUIDE ME

WHY IS THERE NO ONE HERE WITH ME ON THE LONG AND WINDING ROAD? TO LIFT MY HEAVY LOAD

(PATSY looks at his heavy load)

ARTHUR (CONT'D)

IF THERE WAS SOMEONE HERE WITH ME HOW HAPPY I WOULD BE…

(ARTHUR stares at PATSY and may be about to recognize him. But no)

ARTHUR (CONT'D)

BUT I'M ALONE SO ALL ALONE JUST BY MYSELF I'M ALL ALONE I'M ALL ALONE

II-33

PATSY HE'S ALL ALONE

ARTHUR

ALL BY MYSELF

PATSY EXCEPT FOR ME

ARTHUR

I CANNOT FACE TOMORROW

PATSY HE CANNOT FACE IT!

ARTHUR

I'M ALL ALONE

PATSY THOUGH I AM HERE.

ARTHUR

SO ALL ALONE

PATSY SO VERY NEAR

ARTHUR

NO ONE TO SHARE MY SORROW.

PATSY YOU KNOW IT SEEMS QUITE CLEAR TO ME BECAUSE I'M WORKING CLASS I AM JUST THE HORSE'S ASS HE SELLS ME DOWN THE RIVER

(Sung/spoken::) RIVER SO WHAT AM I? CHOPPED LIVER?

ARTHUR

BUT I'M ALONE

PATSY (Singss:)

OH, NO, YOU'RE NOT

ARTHUR SO ALL ALONE

PATSY

I'M HERE, YOU TWAT.

II-34

ARTHUR

ALL BY MYSELF I'M ALL ALONE

(The stage fills with KNIGHTS)

PATSY AND KNIGHTS HE'S ALL ALONE!

ARTHUR

I'M ALL ALONE

PATSY AND KNIGHTS ALL BY HIMSELF

ARTHUR

ALL BY MYSELF

PATSY AND KNIGHTS THERE IS NO ONE HERE BESIDE HIM HE'S ALL ALONE

ARTHUR

SO ALL ALONE

PATSY AND KNIGHTS APART FROM US NO ONE TO COMFORT HIM OR GUIDE HIM

ARTHUR

(KNIGHTS sing background "ooo's") EACH ONE OF US IS ALL ALONE SO WHAT ARE WE TO DO IN ORDER TO GET THROUGH?

(No more KNIGHTS) WE MUST BE LONELY SIDE BY SIDE IT'S A PERFECT WAY TO HIDE.

KNIGHTS

WE'RE ALL ALONE

ARTHUR WE'RE ALL ALONE

KNIGHTS

YES, ALL ALONE

ARTHUR SO ALL ALONE EACH BY OURSELVES WE'RE ALL… ALONE.

II-35

#26 The Song That Goes Like This – reprise (The LADY OF THE LAKE descends the stairs)

LADY OF THE LAKE

But you're not alone Arthur. Haven't you noticed? I've been with you all the time. Who gave you the sword, who made you King, who welcomed you to Camelot, who helped you off on your quest?

(ARTHUR realizing it was her)

LADY OF THE LAKE (CONT'D) Sure, I've been off stage for far too long, but I am here to help you and I always have been.

ARTHUR Patsy, I'm not alone.

PATSY No, sir.

ARTHUR The Lady of the Lake has been with me all the time.

LADY OF THE LAKE And so has Patsy.

ARTHUR Ah, yes, but… Patsy's family.

LADY OF THE LAKE You see, Arthur dear, we're all here to help each other.

ARTHUR Can you help me put on a Broadway show?

LADY OF THE LAKE Yes. You're in a Broadway show.

(Sparkling stage effect. ARTHUR looks out at the audience)

ARTHUR

Oh, my.

LADY OF THE LAKE You've been in a Broadway show all the time.

II-36

ARTHUR

Oh. Who knew? (To audience)

Are there any Jews here?

PATSY The truth is, Sire, I'm Jewish.

ARTHUR You are?

PATSY Yes, Sire, on my mother's side.

ARTHUR Well, why didn't you say so?

PATSY Well, it's not the sort of thing you say to a heavily armed Christian.

ARTHUR So now what?

LADY OF THE LAKE Well, you have to finish the show. It is a musical, so you have to find the Grail and end with a wedding.

ARTHUR Well, who could I possibly marry?

LADY OF THE LAKE Well, it would have to be someone who loved you and cared for you enough to give you a sword, to make you King, to welcome you to Camelot, to help you off on your quest…

(ARTHUR is a little slow off the mark. PATSY whispers in his ear)

ARTHUR

You?

LADY OF THE LAKE Oh, that's an idea.

ARTHUR But I thought you were a fairy.

LADY OF THE LAKE Oh, no, that's Lancelot. Oh, you missed that scene. Anyway, Arthur, I'm as human as you are.

II-37

ARTHUR And you would consent to be my bride?

LADY OF THE LAKE Are you asking?

ARTHUR Are you saying yes?

LADY OF THE LAKE Oh, Arthur.

(They embrace. They lean in for a kiss and suddenly turn away to sing)

ARTHUR AND LADY OF THE LAKE

TWICE IN EVERY SHOW THERE COMES A SONG LIKE THIS IT STARTS OFF SOFT AND LOW AND ENDS UP WITH A KISS OH THIS IS THE SCENE THAT ENDS LIKE THIS!

(And now they kiss.

The underscore continues as ARTHUR and the LADY OF THE LAKE EXIT in opposite directions)

LADY OF THE LAKE

Find the Grail, Arthur, and when you do, I'll be there, waiting for you. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye.

#27 Cocoananigans!

(ARTHUR rides away empowered as she waves farewell. The KNIGHTS RE-ENTER immediately clicking cocoanuts and doing parody dances of famous choreography to underscore. THEY EXIT and RE-ENTER. Ultimately they end up with "West Side Story". Thunder and lightning as TIM, a strange figure with curling rams horn headgear and long pointy fingers flies in, holding a fire stick. He hovers in the air as the thunder rattles around. He has a broad Scots accent)

II-38

Scene Ten: The Killer Rabbit

(A small cut out mound, decorated with daisies and skulls)

TIM Greetings!

ARTHUR What manner of man are you that hovers in the air without string or visible supporting device?

TIM I am an enchanter.

ARTHUR By what name are you known?

TIM There are some who call me… Tim.

ROBIN Wow. Tim. What a really scary name.

(Thunder)

ARTHUR Greetings, O Tim.

TIM Greetings, King Arthur!

ARTHUR You know my name.

TIM I do. You seek the Holy Grail.

ARTHUR You know much that is hidden, O, Tim.

TIM Quite! Below me… lies the cave of Caerbannog, wherein carved upon the very living rock, there be a clue which shall lead ye directly to your goal.

ARTHUR Super. So straight on…

TIM But think well before you step into this cave, for the entrance way is guarded by a beast so foul, so cruel, no man yet has fought this evil beast and lived. So be you warned brave knights, for death awaits you all with nasty great big pointy teeth!

II-39

(Thunder)

ARTHUR Come on!

TIM Wait! Too late! There it is!

ARTHUR Where?

TIM There!

ARTHUR What, behind the rabbit?

TIM It is the rabbit!

(A fluffy white rabbit hand puppet pops up over the mound and innocently nibbles)

ARTHUR

You silly sod! You got us all worked up!

TIM Look this is no ordinary rabbit. This is the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on.

ROBIN What's he do, nibble your bum?

TIM This rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide. It's a killer!

ROBIN You tit! I soiled my armor I was so scared!

ARTHUR Go and change.

(ROBIN EXITS stage right in a hurry)

PATSY Get stuffed, you Scottish pansy!!!

TIM It'll do you up a treat, mate!

II-40

PATSY Oh, yeah??

BEDEVERE You manky Scots git!

TIM Look, I'm warning you!

ARTHUR Bors! Go on, Bors. Chop his head off!

BORS Right! Silly little bleeder. One rabbit stew coming right up!

(An armored knight with visor down and sword drawn walks forward to the rabbit. The rabbit is thrown over the mound, BORS drops his sword and catches it holding it to his neck, as if it is biting him. He releases his prop head which flies off and fabric blood falls out of his neck. As he drops dead he flings the rabbit back over the mound)

BORS (CONT'D)

Aaaugh!

ARTHUR Jesus Christ!

(The rabbit appears over the mound, triumphantly, revealing great bloody red teeth)

TIM

Not so tall now, is he? I warned you. Oh, but, you knew it all, didn't you? Oh, it's just a harmless little bunny, isn't it? Well, it's always the same folks, I always tell them but they never, ever, ever listen.

(TIM'S stick lights up and he flies out)

ARTHUR We'd better not risk another frontal assault, that Rabbit is dynamite.

BEDEVERE Well, we have the Holy Hand Grenade.

#27A The Holy Hand Grenade

ARTHUR Of course! The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch! 'Tis one of the sacred relics Brother Maynard carries with him! Brother Maynard! Bring up the Holy Hand Grenade!

II-41

(BROTHER MAYNARD ENTERS with the Holy Hand Grenade. A cowled MONK [girl] ENTERS holding the Holy Hand Grenade in a Box)

ARTHUR (CONT'D)

How does it work, Brother?

MAYNARD The Book of Armaments, Chapter One, Verses Nine through twenty-seven. "And Saint Attila raised the holy hand grenade up on high, saying, 'Oh, Lord, bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou mayest blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy.' And the Lord did grin, and the people did feast upon the lambs, and stoats, and carp, and anchovies, and orangutans, and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats, and large…"

ARTHUR Skip a bit, Brother.

(BROTHER MAYNARD dumbly skips. ARTHUR raises his eyes and points to the Bible)

MAYNARD

"And the Lord spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shalt be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.'" Amen.

ALL Amen.

#27B Get Your Hand Off My Knee…

MAYNARD And now the Congregation shall rise and sing Hymn 101: "Get Your Hand Off My Knee, You Dirty Old Bastard."

KNIGHTS GET YOUR HAND OFF MY KNEE, YOU DIRTY OLD BASTARD …

ARTHUR

There's no time for that. Right! One… two… five!

BEDEVERE Three, sir.

ARTHUR Three!

II-42

(ARTHUR throws the Holy Hand Grenade at the mound. Explosion, and the grass mound falls forward revealing rock with the carved letters A101. [See Appendix for alternatives.] A sooty puppet operator stands revealed, holding a hand puppet rabbit blackened by soot. He points off stage right. ARTHUR'S knights turn and stare where he is pointing and he quickly scampers off)

BEDEVERE

Behold, Sire, the clue. Aioi!

ARTHUR Aioi? That's a bit cryptic isn't it?

BEDEVERE Pehaps it's Hebrew – ay- oy!

LANCELOT Oh! Maybe it's aioli?

ARTHUR What's that?

LANCELOT Aioli is a delicious garlic mayonnaise, Sire.

BEDEVERE Maybe he was passing out aiiiiooooiii…

ARTHUR Well, he'd hardly bother to carve that in the rock.

GALAHAD Could it be an eye for an eye?

ARTHUR Oh, that's good.

BEDEVERE Sire, I wonder if it could be a number.

ARTHUR Well, it could be, but how would that help?

BEDEVERE Well, we need to find something numbered A101.

II-43

ARTHUR A101.

(They are staring straight into the audience)

GALAHAD It's probably right under our feet.

#27C Hand Of God

ARTHUR (Prays)

O Lord we are a bit stumped on the clue thing and we beseech thee to give us a hand.

(Sacred Music. A large finger of God descends, pointing down into the audience)

ARTHUR (CONT'D)

Of course. It is in the audience. Row A, Seat 101!

(PATSY runs into the audience and asks a patron to stand, cleverly discovering a Grail!

The Portcullis descends)

PATSY

It's you! Stand up, peasant. Oh, look, Sire! We have found the Grail.

BEDEVERE How very clever. It was through the Fourth Wall.

ARTHUR Of course the Grail will always be found in the hearts of all those who gather together and believe in it.

ROBIN Oh, Sire, shall we reward this humble peasant who has been fortunate enough to be sitting on the Grail?

ARTHUR Oh, absolutely, bring forth the peasant!

(PATSY shepherds the audience member up on to the stage)

ARTHUR Welcome. What is your name peasant?

VICTIM Jeffery Greenblatt. [Every night changes to the real person]

II-44

ARTHUR Jeffery Greenblatt your name will be revered here forever in [local city name, along with two local city celebrities. One serious, one comical. See Appendix.] You have been nominated for an Arthur, for Best Peasant in [local city name].

#27D And The Award Goes To…

ARTHUR (CONT'D) Patsy, the envelope please.

(PATSY opens the golden nomination envelope)

PATSY And the Arthur goes to…This is very exciting. Jeffery Greenblatt!

(Award music plays. The Victim is presented with an Arthur Award and the nomination envelope and led by ARTHUR to center stage where the KNIGHTS gather around him.)

ARTHUR

People of [local city], let us all give thanks to Jeffery Greenblatt, the Peasant who has helped us find the Holy Grail here in [local town)].

#28 The Holy Grail's Been Found

ALL THE HOLY GRAIL'S BEEN FOUND THIS PEASANT IS RENOWNED THANKS TO JEFFERY GREENBLATT!

(Each night they sing the Victim's name.

On cue, they guide the Victim to turn stage right, where a KNIGHT snaps a Polaroid of them holding their Award)

ALL (CONT'D)

THE HOLY GRAIL'S BEEN FOUND. FINALLY FOUND!

(The Victim is given the Polaroid and is gently escorted down the steps back into the audience to huge applause)

ARTHUR

So now we can finish with a wedding. MORE

#29 Finale (Part 1)

II-45

(LADY OF THE LAKE appears in a blue [trick] dress, through downstage right doorway)

ARTHUR (CONT'D)

Oh, wow, Lady, you look amazing… wait, I can't just call you Lady. Do you have a name?

LADY OF THE LAKE Everybody has a name, Arthur.

ARTHUR What is yours?

LADY OF THE LAKE My name is… Guinevere.

(Everyone is startled)

KNIGHT Holy shit.

(The KNIGHTS EXIT)

ARTHUR Guinevere, will you marry me?

LADY OF THE LAKE (GUINEVERE) Let me think about that.

(She snaps her wrists and the blue dress falls away to reveal a sparkling white wedding gown)

I'd love to.

(ARTHUR and GUINEVERE kiss and walk arm in arm upstage as the Portcullis rises to reveal The Ride Up Wedding Chapel on the Vegas Camelot set. They EXIT through the white swing doors of the Gateway

II-46

Scene Eleven: The Holy Grail Wedding Chapel

(The GIRLS ENTER through the swing doors, in short Wedding Dresses, carrying bouquets)

WOMEN

WE ARE NOT YET WED AND WE'RE NEARLY AT THE END IT IS TIME THAT WE WENT AND FOUND A FRIEND IS THERE SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP US IN OUR QUEST? WE'RE ALREADY DRESSED ALTHOUGH WE'RE NOT YET WED.

(ENTER KNIGHTS with white top hats and carnation button holes)

MEN

WE ARE NOT YET DEAD THAT'S THE BEST THING TO BE SAID OH! WE ARE NOT YET DEAD SO WE MIGHT AS WELL GET WED COULD IT BE MUCH WORSE IS MARRIAGE SUCH A CURSE?

WOMEN AND MEN

WE MIGHT AS WELL GET MARRIED 'COS WE ARE NOT YET WED

(Music cue: "Here Comes the Bride"

Everyone indicates the Gateway but instead of ARTHUR and GUINEVERE… ENTER LANCELOT and HERBERT in great fashions, newly married)

#29A. Finale (Part 2)

HERBERT

So you see it's all a show. Happy ending and all, and that just makes me want… to sing… Ah!

(All look around for his FATHER, but no sign, so HERBERT steps forward to sing sincerely)

HERBERT (CONT'D)

(Sings:) WHEN YOU'RE LOST ON LIFE'S TRAIL

MORE

II-47

HERBERT (CONT'D) AND YOU FEEL DOOMED TO FAIL DO NOT FAIL FIND YOUR MALE FIND YOUR MALE THAT'S YOUR GRAIL.

LANCE

Just think Herbert in a thousand years time this will still be controversial.

(ENTER ROBIN, dressed in shiny white tie and tails with some of his green) #29B Finale (Part 3)

ROBIN

And I too have found my Grail.

ALL What's that?

ROBIN Musical theatre!

(Sings) YOU CAN SING YOU CAN DANCE AND YOU WON'T SOIL YOUR PANTS IN YOUR WHITE TIE AND TAILS FIND YOUR GRAIL FIND YOUR GRAIL

#29C Finale (Part 4)

(PATSY and BEDEVERE ENTER with tambourines. ENTER ARTHUR and GUINEVERE married. GUINEVERE in a gorgeous wedding gown)

CHORUS

HALLELUJAH! A ROYAL WEDDING!

ARTHUR AND GUINEVERE SO BE STRONG

CHORUS

HERE COMES THE BRIDE!

ARTHUR AND GUINEVERE KEEP RIGHT ON

II-48

CHORUS HERE COMES THE GROOM!

ARTHUR AND GUINEVERE

(With CHORUS "ooo") TO THE END OF YOUR SONG

CHORUS

HALLELUJAH!

GUINEVERE FIND YOUR GRAIL FIND YOUR MALE

ARTHUR

DRESSED IN MAIL FIND YOUR GRAIL

CHORUS

SING HALLELUJAH! THEY FOUND THEIR GRAIL!

ARTHUR

LIFE IS REALLY UP TO YOU YOU MUST CHOOSE WHAT TO PURSUE

CHORUS

A BROADWAY WEDDING!

GUINEVERE SET YOUR MIND ON WHAT TO FIND AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN'T DO.

ALL

GO AND FIND YOUR GRAIL

ARTHUR AND GUINEVERE SO KEEP RIGHT TO THE END YOU'LL FIND YOUR GOAL, MY FRIEND THEN THE PRIZE YOU WON'T FAIL FIND YOUR GRAIL

CHORUS

AH SO KEEP RIGHT TO THE END AH AH FIND YOUR FRIEND AH AH AH

II-49

ALL

FIND YOUR GRAIL!

(ENTER FATHER)

FATHER Stop it. Stop it. No more bloody singing!

(LANCELOT grabs a shovel from the wings and whacks him on the head. FATHER drops like a stone)

ALL

FOR THIS IS THE SHOW THAT ENDS LIKE TH………ISS!

Two hearts descend written on one "The" and "End" on the other.

Curtain Call

(After the Curtain call the Company steps forward to encourage the audience to sing:)

COMPANY

Everybody!

#31 Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life

(The words are projected on the clouds for the audience to join in)

COMPANY (CONT'D)

(Sings:) ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE... ALWAYS LOOK ON THE RIGHT SIDE OF LIFE... IF LIFE SEEMS JOLLY ROTTEN THERE'S SOMETHING YOU'VE FORGOTTEN AND THAT'S TO LAUGH AND SMILE AND DANCE AND SING WHEN YOU'RE FEELING IN THE DUMPS DON'T BE SILLY CHUMPS JUST PURSE YOUR LIPS AND WHISTLE THAT'S THE THING AND ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT…

FX Loud bang. Confetti cannon high up on either side of the stage scatter the audience with golden confetti.

….SIDE OF LIFE….! ….SIDE OF LIFE….! ….SIDE OF LIFE….!

(Company bow! Play off music The Portcullis descends)

The End

#32 Exit Music

Appendix. Seat Numbers. A101

Arthur tosses the Holy Hand Grenade and the Rabbit blows up, and the mound falls over revealing the letters A101. Behind is a disgruntled rabbit puppet operator, blackened with soot. BEDEVERE: Behold, sire, the clue. Aioi!

ARTHUR: Aioi? That’s a bit cryptic isn’t it?

BEDEVERE: Perhaps it’s Hebrew – ay- oy!

LANCELOT: Oh! Maybe it’s aioli?

ARTHUR: What’s that?

LANCELOT: Aioli is a a delicious garlic mayonnaise sire.

BEDEVERE: Maybe he was passing out aiiiiooooiii

ARTHUR: Well he’d hardly bother to carve that in the rock.

GALAHAD: Could it be an eye for an eye?

ARTHUR: Oh that’s good.

BEDEVERE: Sire, I wonder if it could be a number.

ARTHUR: Well it could be but how would that help?

BEDEVERE: Well we need to find something numbered A101.

ARTHUR: A101.

They are staring straight into the audience.

GALAHAD: It’s probably right under our feet.

ARTHUR: (Prays) O Lord we are a bit stumped on the clue thing and we

beseech thee to give us a hand.

An enormous hand of God appears, and points into the audience.

ARTHUR: Of course. It is in the audience- Row A seat 101!

B101 Arthur tosses the Holy Hand Grenade and the Rabbit blows up, and the mound falls over revealing the letters B101. Behind is a disgruntled rabbit puppet operator, blackened with soot. BEDEVERE: Behold, sire, the clue. Bioi!

ARTHUR: Bioi? That’s a bit cryptic isn’t it?

BEDEVERE: Perhaps it’s a Hebrew exhortation to retail – buy- oy!

LANCELOT: Maybe it’s bionic but spelled badly.

BEDEVERE: Perhaps he was dying and wrote “bye.”

ARTHUR: Well he’d hardly bother to carve that in the rock.

GALAHAD: Could it be: Be One and Owe One.

ARTHUR: Oh that’s good. One likes that.

BEDEVERE: Sire, maybe it could be a number.

ARTHUR: Well it could be but how would that help?

BEDEVERE: Well we would need to find something numbered B101.

ARTHUR: B101.

They are staring straight into the audience.

GALAHAD: It’s probably right under our feet.

ARTHUR: (Prays) O Lord we are a bit stumped on the clue thing and we

beseech thee to give us a hand.

An enormous hand of God appears, and points into the audience.

ARTHUR: Of course. It is in the audience- Row B seat 101!

C101 Arthur tosses the Holy Hand Grenade and the Rabbit blows up, and the mound falls over revealing the letters C101. Behind is a disgruntled rabbit puppet operator, blackened with soot. BEDEVERE: Behold, sire, the clue. Cioi!

ARTHUR: Cioi? That’s a bit cryptic isn’t it?

BEDEVERE: Perhaps it’s Hebrew – si- oy!

LANCELOT: Maybe it’s coi?

ARTHUR: What’s that?

LANCELOT: Little Japanese fish sir

BEDEVERE: Perhaps he was dying and he wrote “ciao.”

ARTHUR: Well he’d hardly bother to carve that in the rock.

GALAHAD: Could it be: See eye to eye?

ARTHUR: Oh that’s good.

BEDEVERE: Sire, maybe it could be a number.

ARTHUR: Well it could be but how would that help?

BEDEVERE: Well we would need to find something numbered C101.

ARTHUR: C101.

They are staring straight into the audience.

GALAHAD: It’s probably right under our feet.

ARTHUR: (Prays) O Lord we are a bit stumped on the clue thing and we

beseech thee to give us a hand.

An enormous hand of God appears, and points into the audience.

ARTHUR: Of course. It is in the audience- Row C seat 101!

D101 Arthur tosses the Holy Hand Grenade and the Rabbit blows up, and the mound falls over revealing the letters D101. Behind is a disgruntled rabbit puppet operator, blackened with soot. BEDEVERE: Behold, sire, the clue. Dioi!

ARTHUR: Dioi? That’s a bit cryptic isn’t it?

BEDEVERE: Perhaps they’re Hebrew last words –die! oy!

ARTHUR: Well they’d hardly bother to carve that in the rock if they were

dying.

LANCELOT: Maybe it’s doi?

ARTHUR: What’s that?

LANCELOT: Well it’s the kind of noise you make if you’re stupid.

GALAHAD: That’s “duh.”

LANCELOT: Oh yeah. (Hits his head) Doi!

BEDEVERE: Sire, maybe it could be a number.

ARTHUR: Well it could be but how would that help?

BEDEVERE: Well we would need to find something numbered D101.

ARTHUR: D101.

They are staring straight into the audience.

GALAHAD: It’s probably right under our feet.

ARTHUR: (Prays) O Lord we are a bit stumped on the clue thing and we

beseech thee to give us a hand.

An enormous hand of God appears, and points into the audience.

ARTHUR: Of course. It is in the audience- Row D seat 101!

BONE5 Arthur tosses the Holy Hand Grenade and the Rabbit blows up, and the mound falls over revealing the letters BONE5 (as close to an S as possible). Behind is a disgruntled rabbit puppet operator, blackened with soot. BEDEVERE: Behold, sire, the clue. Bones!

ARTHUR: Bones? Why Bones?

BEDEVERE: Well there are a lot of bones here!

ARTHUR: So why bother to carve that in the rock?

LANCELOT: Maybe it’s Boner?

ARTHUR: Shut up.

BEDEVERE: Sire, I think that’s a five. I wonder if it could be a number. B One

Five.

ARTHUR: Well it could be but how would that help?

BEDEVERE: Well we would need to find something numbered B15.

ARTHUR: B 15.

They are staring straight into the audience.

GALAHAD: It’s probably right under our feet.

ARTHUR: (Prays) O Lord we are a bit stumped on the clue thing and we

beseech thee to give us a hand.

An enormous hand of God appears, and points into the audience.

ARTHUR: Of course. It is in the audience- Row B seat 15!