eBook: ADHD, Friends, & Families

How to Improve Social Skills & Strengthen Relationships

Social skills and building relationships can be a challenge for children and adults with ADHD.

Issues with social skills usually stem from the fact that they lack the ability to pay attention

long enough to pick up the social cues, that others take for granted. They also are

challenged with impulsivity that leads to a multitude of difficulties, from hurting someone’s

feelings unintentionally to acting out in a physical manner. These challenges can cause

turmoil in the school, home, and workplace.

The good news is that social skills can be learned. With practice, these skills will become

lasting and lead to successful peer relationships. There are also steps parents can take to

help foster positive relationships within the home. If you are an adult struggling with

friendships and marriage, we have some tips for you as well!

We hope you will enjoy this eBook and learn some strategies to help build new and lasting

friendships,

- Your Play Attention Team

Our Attention is Focused on Your Future

800-788-6786

www.playattention.com

Copyright © 2015 Unique Logic and Technology, Inc. All rights reserved.

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Index:

Page 2. Why People with ADHD Struggle in Relationships

Page 4. The Importance of a BFF

Page 6. Making Friends, What’s the Secret for ADHD Kids?

Page 8. Social Skills & ADHD

Page 9. Social Skills at a Restaurant

Page 11. Social Skills at Camp

Page 13. Social Skills in the Classroom, The Fourth R

Page 15. Social Skills During the Holidays

Page 16. Adult ADHD & Relationships

Page 20. Adult ADHD & Public Gatherings

Page 22. Family Support

Page 24. ADHD & Your Child, Parenting Tips

Page 30. Parent “Nagging” May Prolong ADHD

Page 32. Tips to Help Stop the Nagging

Page 34. Building a Strong Relationship with Your Child

Page 36. Sibling Relationships

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Why People with ADHD Struggle in Relationships

Perhaps you are in a relationship as an adult with ADHD, or you are in a relationship with

someone who has ADHD. You may even be a parent trying to help your ADHD child with

friendships. All of these situations can be very challenging.

Children with attention challenges generally struggle with keeping friends. They are not

always able to pick up social cues that allow them to have successful friendships. For

instance, your ADHD child with may say

something to hurt another child’s feelings, but

lacks the attention to see the sadness on the

other child’s face. Therefore, your child has

no idea he has offended someone. No

learning takes place, and this behavior

continues. Before you know it, your child is

coming home complaining that he does not

have any friends. And he has no idea why or

how to fix it. He simply thinks everyone is

against him.

Play Attention, a cognitive feedback based

program, has an activity that directly addresses teaching social skills[1]. Through a series of

attention enhanced activities, a child or an adult can start simply by paying attention to a

blank card. Once the student is fully attentive, the card will be completely exposed. If the

student loses attention, the card begins to disappear. Once the student is fully attentive, the

expression on a person’s face is seen. The student must match the feeling associated with

the expression. For example, the picture may be of a little girl smiling with three word

choices: happy, sad, angry. The steps get incrementally more challenging and will

eventually teach the student how to respond if a person has a certain expression on his/her

face.

While simplistic at the onset, teaching social skills requires foundational practice. Teaching

an ADHD child or adult to slow down long enough to actually see the expression on social

cues. The next steps are to teach them to understand the expression and then properly

respond.

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What happens to those of us who were not taught social skills as a child? Many struggle

with relationships as an adult as a result. Whether you are the person with ADHD, or you’re

in a relationship with someone with ADHD, you are bound to face many challenges.

Attitude Magazine recently ran an article, “10+ ADD Relationship Tools for Lasting Love[2],”

which explores the tools needed to have a loving relationship with someone struggling with

attention issues. In this article author, Jonathan Halverstadt, states that in the beginning

there are “strong and wonderful feelings — but you need much more to make an ADD

relationship[3] last.” Instead of falling into an “all you need is love” scenario, Halverstadt

offers suggestions for your relationship “tool box.”

One of the first things that he explores is managing the symptoms. In the relationship, the

ADHD person must take ownership of the symptoms and actively manage them. Many of

the skills he talks about are addressed with the Play Attention[4] program.

If you are a parent, or an adult, or love someone who struggles with attention, we

encourage you to attend an informational webinar[5]. The webinar is FREE and your

questions and concerns about ADHD relationships will be addressed.

[1] http://www.playattention.com/social-skills/

[2] http://www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/7504.html

[3] http://www.additudemag.com/topic/adult-add-adhd/friends-relationships.html

[4] http://www.playattention.com/adults/

[5] http://www.playattention.com/speed-webinar/

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The Importance of a BFF

Everyone wants to have friends. At an early

age, forming friendships allows a child to

develop a multitude of skills needed

throughout life: teamwork, cooperation,

sharing, dealing with conflict, competition, etc.

If your children or clients are struggling with

ADHD, they may need your guidance to help

develop successful, long-lasting friendships.

Here are some tips to help.

* Keep Play Groups Small – One or two

friends at a time will allow your child to be

successful without being overwhelmed.

* Form Friendship Groups – Team Esteem is an organization based out of New York. Run

by social workers and psychologists, their goal is to create an environment for children with

behavioral, social, and academic challenges. Attitude Magazine says that if your child is

having a difficult time forming friendships, a friendship group may be the answer. The

article also cautions parents that running the group themselves is not the best answer and

should be left to professionals.

* Plan Play Dates – Scheduling specific dates for playtime allows your child with ADHD to

prepare for the event. It gives you an opportunity to discuss and role-play different

scenarios. It also gives you an opportunity to plan what will happen during the play date.

While not completely controlling the event, you’ll want to have some clear ideas on what will

occur during the play date.

* Control The Environment – Your child may be bursting with energy. Let them exhaust

some of that energy during the play date by kicking a soccer ball with their friend, playing

an informal game of basketball, or swimming in the pool. Then, after the little tikes are

worn out, provide a snack and a quiet movie. This will help them transition into the next

activity calmly.

* Deflect Boredom – Play dates that are too long can lead to boredom. It’s important that

these end on a high note for everyone involved. An hour after school is certainly adequate

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to get in some socialization without throwing nightly routines off. You can increase that time

to a couple of hours on the weekend. Making an entire day of a play date may lead to

disaster by forcing your child with ADHD to be on their best social behavior for far too long.

* Positive Reinforcement – After friends go home, talk to your child about the play date.

What did they like? What didn’t they like? What made them feel good about their friend? Be

sure to provide positive reinforcement for things they did well. “I liked it when you shared

your bike with Jimmy and let him ride it first.”

In his book, The Friendship Factor, Dr. Kenneth Rubin explores the impact of friendships on

a child’s emotional, social, and intellectual growth. After 25 years of research, Dr. Rubin put

his findings on paper to better prepare parents with helping their children form friendships.

If you’re looking for a children’s book, check out Making Friends. Written by American

icon, Fred Rogers this book is intended to teach preschoolers about friendships and social

skills.

Learn how Play Attention can help your child develop better social skills. You may want to

consider incorporating the social skills component into your Play Attention program. Starting

with simply identify facial expression and working to complex situation of body language

and voice tone, the social skills component of Play Attention will provide the help needed to

form friendships and keep them. Call one of our educational support advisors to discuss

your particular needs, so we can help you develop a Play Attention program to help. 800-

788-6786.

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Making Friends, What’s the Secret for ADHD Kids?

A few good tips

Tip 1:

Ever hear statements like, “Nobody likes me. They’re all after me!”

By middle school, you hear things like, “I hate school. They all think I’m weird. I don’t get

invited to parties.”

Your child gets a rare invitation to a birthday party and you’re horrified when your child

shouts, “This is boring!” in the middle of the cake cutting. You now realize this is why

invitations are so rare.

ADHD children often lack social skills; they lack the ability to filter thoughts before they say

them. This often hurts the feelings of people around them. When carried into adulthood,

spouses often complain of insensitivity and employers complain of your lack of control.

Additionally, ADHD children often overlook common gestures, facial expressions, or social

dynamics.

Social skill instruction is critical and should be taught sequentially. For example, before you

go to a birthday party, you should model boring scenarios. You and your child practice what

he or she should say when they become bored. Instead of saying, “This is boring,” you’ll

instruct your child to say, “Want to go outside and play?”

That’s a good beginning that you can praise, but it’s only the first step. What happens if the

child they ask to go outside doesn’t want to go? You must model that as well. Instead of

saying, “You’re stupid,” say, “OK, I’ll be outside playing if you want to come.”

Tip 2:

Ever wonder why your ADHD child likes to play with younger children? Why they can get

along with younger children but not kids their own age?

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ADHD children often develop social skills more slowly than their peers. Since they lack the

maturity of their peers, they are far more comfortable playing with younger children.

Is there anything wrong with this? Not really. The social dynamics are quite interesting.

Younger children often admire the older child in the group. This in turn may boost the self-

esteem of your ADHD child. However, as your child develops social skills, the dynamics will

likely change. Your child will tend to drift toward kids his own age. This can be considered a

highly positive step in personal development.

So consider the interaction with younger children a transition; a step toward developing

social skills and self-confidence that will progressively lead him to successful interaction with

his peers provided you are teaching and guiding him to social maturity.

Tip 3:

Play dates are good ways to make friends provided you practice and model appropriate

behaviors ahead of time. Inappropriate behaviors should also be coached as well so your

child learns boundaries.

Start with only one friend on your play dates. If you invite two or more friends, they will

often pair off sometimes leaving your child alone.

It’s also a good idea to be a casual, quiet observer during the play date. Most parents

experience great success by intervening only when their child approaches a boundary.

Parents calmly intervene at that time to redirect and subtly (sometimes not so subtly)

remind their child of boundaries that make good friendships.

Obviously, this is training that should allow your child to face social situations on his or her

own as they mature and learn social skills.

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Social Skills & ADHD

Making friends and keeping friends can be difficult for children with ADHD. Positive peer

relationships are critical to your child’s development and self-esteem. What may be second

nature to you, must be learned and practiced by someone who has attention challenges.

You may notice that your child misses social cues, gets quickly bored with the games the

other children are playing, or simply acts too impulsively when in social situations. It’s not

to say that the child wishes to act out or hurt other’s feelings, it’s just that they haven’t paid

attention long enough to pick up the social cues.

There are some steps you can take to help your child develop these essential social skills.

Developing Social Skills

Discuss People’s Feelings: Look at pictures of different

people in a magazine. Ask your child how he thinks that

person is feeling and how he came to that conclusion. You

may also prompt him to tell you what he thinks might have

happened before the picture was taken that caused the

emotion.

Role Play Social Situations: Act out different scenarios

with your child. “Let’s pretend you are meeting me for the first time.” Or “Let’s pretend you

see a group of children playing and you want to join in.” Role playing will allow you to model

appropriate social behavior.

Positive Feedback: When you see your child display good social behavior, be certain to

provide immediate positive feedback. “I liked how you helped John up when he fell. That

was so kind.” Or “Thank you for holding the door open for me. That is so polite.”

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Social Skills at a Restaurant

Whether you’re on a family vacation or it’s just too hot to cook, a restaurant may be the

answer for mealtime. It is understandable that you sometimes try to avoid bringing your

child to a nice restaurant. A child with ADHD may have a difficult time riding in the car

straight to a restaurant where he will have to sit even longer and adjust his behavior to this

new social setting. This can be a recipe for disaster! However, you can take some steps to

make your restaurant experience an enjoyable event.

Set Expectations – No parent should expect their child to understand how to act in a

restaurant. After all, at home, things are completely different. In most cases, children are

busy playing while their meal is being prepared. It’s important that you explain the

differences to your child so they can understand what is expected.

Explain Restaurant Etiquette – When setting expectations, explain to your child that

everyone in the restaurant wants to have a good time. Also, explain what is appropriate so

they understand that unpleasant behavior affects everyone’s experience, not just theirs.

Start Simple – When introducing this new concept to your child, start simple. Maybe

you’ll begin with a quick trip to the ice cream store where the wait time isn’t as long. Or

perhaps you’ll start with lunch, which is usually served quicker than dinner. In any case,

you want to be wise when picking where you’ll start so that your

trip will be successful.

Arrive Prepared – Some restaurants provide crayons and

coloring placemats to keep your child entertained during wait times.

It’s best that you come prepared with your own arsenal of

restaurant-friendly activities for your child. Keep a bag in the family

car so that the contents stay new by only using them for restaurant

outings.

Choice Matters – Choose restaurants that are kid friendly.

Many reputable chain restaurants offer play areas and outdoor eating areas for kids, which

gives them an opportunity to move about. Don’t expect your six-year-old to be content in a

high-class restaurant where dining can be a lengthy event.

When needed, move – Since you know there is a hyperactive aspect to some children

with ADHD, you’ll have to take this into consideration. When you see your child start getting

antsy while waiting for food to arrive, create a distraction. Have someone in the party take

the child for a walk. Maybe you’re in a seafood restaurant that has a big tank that you can

visit. Or maybe you’re visiting an outdoor restaurant on a boardwalk where a quick walk can

take up some time.

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Diet Considerations – Most restaurants can accommodate diet restrictions. Don’t be

afraid to order food the way your child likes it. Also, encourage your child to try new things,

but have a backup plan if their choice doesn’t pan out.

Dinner Conversation – Dinner with your child at a restaurant is not the time to have

an adult conversation. Because of wait times, be prepared to be a part of keeping your

youngster entertained. Whether it’s playing a game of tic-tac-toe or just chatting as a

family, it’s important that your child is not struggling for your attention. Keep adult

conversations for date night without your child.

Put Down the Cellphone – Cellphones have become an integral part of our lives. We

use them all day long. Dinner is a social outing. It’s a time to talk, learn, and bond. It’s

important to use dinner for this purpose. If you must use a cellphone, or if your ADHD child

uses a cellphone, set boundaries so that dinner can be a place of peace, quiet conversation,

and learning.

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Social Skills at Camp

Whether it’s summer camp that you’re sending your child off to or a camping trip with

friends and family, this outdoor setting poses some unusual circumstances for those with

ADHD. Safety, meeting new people and different routines can all be challenging. Let’s look

at some simple solutions to each of these areas so your child’s camping experience will be

enjoyable.

Safety -

Campfires – Be specific about rules and the consequences if the rules are broken. Some

suggestions would be:

- No running around the fire.

- Only roast marshmallows while sitting.

- Never be around a fire when an adult is not present.

Water Safety – Most summer camps have certified lifeguards on staff so that campers can

safely swim in lakes or pools on campus.

- Discuss safety precautions they take for non-swimmers.

- Look at the lifeguard-to-swimmer ratio. Is it realistic? Most should have one lifeguard

for each 25-30 swimmers.

- Is the lifeguard is in an elevated chair? Elevated chairs allow the lifeguard a better

vantage point to scan the swimming area from higher up.

Hiking Trails – Who doesn’t love a great hike during a summer camping trip? It’s a great

way to unplug, relax, and enjoy nature. It’s important that you talk about hiking safety

before you hit the trail. Topics for discussion should include:

- Staying together (perhaps a buddy system)

- Not running to avoid twisting ankles on unpredictable terrain

- Wearing the right shoes and clothing

- Stopping for rest breaks, drinking fluids

- Not leaving a footprint (i.e. environmental awareness)

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- What to do if someone gets lost (The general rule of thumb is for the person to sit in

a shady area until found. If the lost person continues to move around it will be

harder for searchers to retrace steps).

Meeting New People – Most kids with ADHD love meeting new people. It’s what

happens during those initial meetings that can make or break the encounter. Kids are

intuitive and can usually get through the first awkward moments much quicker than adults.

Having an activity to do will break the ice, so make sure your child has their favorite

outdoor game with them. A tennis ball and two Velcro paddles will ease even the situation.

Try not to intervene too much; let nature takes its course when your child meets someone

new. Be there for support, but don’t orchestrate the encounter.

Different Routines – We know that when we map out situations for someone with

ADHD there is a better likelihood for success. Even though they are impulsive by nature,

structure keeps them in balance and much happier. Therefore, it’s important that you take

the time to explain what will be different about routines. If your child will be attending

summer camp or going on the family camping trip, spell things out for them. With so much

stimulation, it’s important to build in safety-net strategies should things start to go downhill

(i.e. alone time after lunch.)

When going on a camping trip, make time before heading into the woods to talk to your

child about what to expect. Answer as many of their questions as you can so they’ll know

what to expect. Most of all, relax and have fun. Family time is precious, so don’t miss an

opportunity to truly enjoy that time.

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The Fourth R, Social Skills in the Classroom

Tips for teachers

Reading, writing, and arithmetic? There is so much more to be taught in our classrooms

today. After all, as teachers prepare students for the real world,

the three R’s won’t get them very far if they can’t contribute as

supportive problem-solvers on a team. Because teachers are

with students as they encounter many different situations, they

are in a unique position to help children develop healthy social

interaction skills.

The very first minute of the first day is about establishing a warm, safe, happy environment.

Enthusiastic teachers share their excitement!

Greet your students by name and find some connection to them. You might

compliment children for anything and everything-– double dimples, cute pigtails,

colorful soccer shoes, a favorite team t-shirt, neatness, patience, or good listening

manners. Students will feel welcome and appreciated, and you will be modeling the

kindness you expect from them.

Conduct brief team meetings each month and ask volunteers to compliment a

classmate. You might start the process to set the standard. Help students recognize

how good they feel simply by giving a compliment and point out how powerful their

actions are.

By November, when you all know each other well and are feeling especially thankful,

use these talents to create Wordle keepsakes. Begin by putting a piece of a paper on

each child’s desk. Classmates rotate around the desks writing an encouraging

adjective or phrase on each student’s paper. Visit this website to create a finished

product: http://www.wordle.net/

Making conversation with new friends is an art to be cultivated. Often, students are

nervous, uncomfortable, and struggle to find the right things to say. Let students

know adults feel the same way they do at times, and then give them the tools they

need.

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With your class, generate a list of questions they might ask a new acquaintance.

“What are you doing this weekend?” “Have you seen a good movie recently?” “What

do you like to do after school?”

If you’re working with young students who are self-conscious with the opposite

gender, tell them you’ve activated the invisible “cootie catcher” over the door, and

that there are no boy or girl germs to worry about in your room. Then mix them up

for partner work! Make sure they understand that the only acceptable reaction to the

buddy assignment is a kind one.

Challenge your students to sit with different classmates at lunch and to try playing

with a new group at recess. Before starting a lesson, recognize a student you’ve

seen accepting the challenge to reinforce more success.

So often, we could prevent problems from arising simply with better communication.

That is true on the kindergarten playground and on a global scale.

So, empower children with the right words. Elementary students need to know how

to say, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to do that. Are you okay?” Practice it as a group and

role play when appropriate. Older children may need to say,” I didn’t mean to say

that. I’m sorry I hurt your feelings.” These important words need to be said quickly

and loudly enough to be heard.

When you see a student making poor choices, find a private moment to help them

see how they may have been perceived and make a suggestion for improvement.

Children often need to learn how to read faces and how to react accordingly. If a

situation arises, you might ask the offender to look at his classmate’s face to point

out the results of his words or actions. “Look at Hannah’s face. Does she look sad?

Why do you think she is sad?”

When you see students working through problems, whether big or small, praise them

out loud. Show your appreciation for them and others will take notice.

Children need to know that we are all building our characters as we have learning

experiences in our lives. They should set goals to make changes or improvements.

Ask students to think of someone they like to be around. Then ask them to describe

that person. What is it that makes them special? How are they like that person, and

what might they do to improve themselves? Reiterate that interacting and

communicating well are skills that must be taught and practiced before we expect

mastery, just like the skills in reading, writing, and arithmetic.

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Social Skills During the Holidays

Holiday Dress Rehearsal

Practice behavior and manners before your visit

You hope that all will go well on the way to grandma’s house. Things go well in the car, but

as the door opens at her house, your child turns into a Tasmanian Devil! A whirling dervish

of mayhem that grates on family members and causes you unneeded embarrassment and

stress. Here are some tips that can help prevent your child turning into a Tasmanian Devil.

1. Schedule, schedule, schedule. You and your child can sit together in a quiet place and

draw a timeline with pictures. Start with a drawing of your car at your house with the time

you’ll be leaving placed just below the car. Mark a point on the timeline where snacks will

be eaten, where you’ll stop for lunch, take a restroom break, etc. Encourage your child to

document your trip on the timeline including sights along the way, unique cars they see,

towns you pass, etc. This gives your child structure, a sense of participation, and keeps him

occupied.

2. New or different environments can cause rambunctious behavior. It can be

difficult for your child to control himself with the added excitement of the holidays. To

minimize inappropriate behaviors and maximize holiday cheer, rehearse the event

beforehand. Assign family members a part in the rehearsal; you and your child will play

yourselves. Select one other family member to play the role of the friend or family member

whose house you’ll be visiting. Brainstorm with your child Act I, Act II, Act III, and Act IV.

Act I, driving to person’s house. Act II, being greeted at the door and spending time with

the host prior to dinner. Act III, dinner. Act IV, activity after dinner and goodbyes. For each

Act, discuss expectations and timelines. After this discussion, you should act out and

rehearse each part of your ‘play’. Take the opportunity to redirect when behaviors are

inappropriate and provide positive feedback when your child displays desired behaviors

during your rehearsal. An interactive dress rehearsal will allow your child to develop a clear

understanding of expectations over the holidays.

3. Use a secret code. A word like “snowball” or a gesture like touching the tip of your nose

can be your secret code to your child that means they need to adjust their current behavior.

Allowing your child to practice this during your dress rehearsal can be fun and will keep you

from having to yell or discipline your child in front of family.

4. Make the most of your child’s talents. Recite a poem, do magic tricks, take care of a

younger child, present the host with some artwork they did while waiting for dinner, set the

table, or sing holiday songs.

5. Prep other family members you’ll see over the holidays, and ask them to provide

positive praise for good behavior. This can make a world of difference.

Remember this is a very exciting and stimulating time. If you have a child that is easily

overexcited, the holidays can easily exacerbate this. A little preparation clearly defining your

expectations can lead to a far merrier and less stressful holiday season.

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Adult ADHD & Relationships

Symptom, signs and relationships . . .

Forget your keys again? Was it your turn to pick the kids up? Did you find yourself spacing

out while the boss was talking to you and you’re way behind on that project? You are not

alone . . .

How do you know you have ADHD?

“Many times it is normal to forget your keys but when you never can find your keys, that’s

the problem, says Patricia Quinn, M.D., a developmental pediatrician and co-founder and

director of the National Center for Girls and Women with ADHD in Washington D.C..

How else do you know if you have ADHD?

The basic adult ADHD symptoms are the same for men and women: inattentiveness,

impulsivity and hyperactivity. You have to have them for at least six months. They’re

usually pervasive and affect you throughout the day. We also look for family history.

For men, it tends to be external motor activity; for girls, it’s more fidgeting and twirling

their hair. With females, [you see more] hyper-talkativeness.”[1]

Being Married to ADHD

“A study published in the Journal of Attention Disorders (August 2004 vol. 8 no. 1 1-

10) analyzed marital adjustment and

family relationships of adults with

Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity

Disorder (ADHD). In the study, the

marital adjustment and family

functioning of 33 married adults with

ADHD and their spouses was

compared to 26 non-ADHD control

participants and their spouses. Results

revealed that married adults with

ADHD reported poorer overall marital

adjustment on the Dyadic Adjustment

Scale (DAS; Spanier, 1989) and more family dysfunction on the Family Assessment Device

(FAD; Eptein, Baldwin, & Bishop, 1983) than control adults. (These scales/devices (DAS and

FAD), are commonly used in the diagnosis of ADHD). The spouses of adults with ADHD did

not differ from control spouses in reports of overall marital adjustment and family

dysfunction. A greater proportion of their marital adjustment scores, however, fell within

the maladjusted range. The ADHD adults’ perceptions of the health of their marriages and

families were more negative than their spouses’ perceptions.”[2]

“Indeed, the divorce rate is nearly twice as high for people with ADHD, which affects

roughly 4 percent of adults, as it is for other couples, says marriage consultant Melissa

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Orlov, author of The ADHD Effect on Marriage. Symptoms include trouble staying focused

and paying attention, difficulty understanding or following instructions, and hyperactivity, or

fidgeting frequently and talking excessively. In adults, ADHD usually isn’t diagnosed until

symptoms persist and spread into multiple aspects of daily life, from success at work to the

ability to form romantic relationships.”

“ADHD is typically missed or overlooked when couples are dating. The partner with ADHD is

often hyper-focused, sending flowers, checking in with frequent phone calls, and showering

the significant other with loving attention. The excitement is stimulating—a feel-good self-

medication of sorts, Orlov says. The transition to marriage can be jarring. Once the

relationship becomes familiar, the frenzy of attention is likely to ebb. The partner without

ADHD, bewildered by the abrupt change, may start to feel unloved or unattractive—

interpreting a distracted spouse as an uninterested spouse.”

“As time passes, tensions can build if the condition isn’t recognized or its symptoms and

motives are misunderstood. The trademark impulsivity could translate into rash financial

decisions. Or a husband might habitually interrupt his wife because he “doesn’t have the

brakes to stop” and is afraid of losing his skittery thoughts if he waits, says Orlov. To the

non-ADHD partner, the interruptions are disrespectful.”

“When all these ADHD behaviors collide, the non-ADHD spouse usually experiences a sense

of loneliness, exhaustion, feeling ignored, anger and a sense of hopelessness.” [3]

“What’s the secret to a healthy ADHD marriage? It may be in the way couples communicate

when they fight — and how quickly they forgive and move on afterward”.

The following are strategies to help maintain a healthy relationship with your ADHD partner:

“1. Start with a complaint, not a criticism. “I’m concerned that the garbage isn’t getting

taken out regularly” is a complaint. “You never take out the garbage like you promise” is a

criticism. Complaints work better; they are more respectful and don’t put the listener on the

defensive so quickly.

2. Use a soft start — or ease into a topic. Soft starts show respect for the other person

by not making assumptions. They usually include an observation, and they focus on

feelings. Here’s an example of a soft start: “I really miss you. We aren’t spending enough

time together these days.” The hard-start version of this is “You never pay attention to me!”

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3. Be respectful. No matter how difficult the topic, or how upset you are, your partner always

deserves respect. Don’t justify screaming or belittling. Treat your partner as you would like

to be treated.

4. Use non-threatening words and don’t bully your partner. If you become flooded with

emotions and feel you can’t help yourself, try to let your partner walk away from the

argument.

5. Use clarifying phrases, such as, “If I understand correctly, we both think….”

6. Talk calmly. This is hard when things are emotional. Mindfulness training and deep

breathing help.

7. Use verbal cues to de-escalate your interactions. In the Orlov household, if one of us

gets too emotional — it happens to both of us — we may use the pre-agreed-on verbal cue

“aardvark” to suggest we both need to take a break. We will return to the conversation

later.

8. Look your partner in the eye. This serves the dual purpose of communicating effectively

how you feel and ensuring that you have your partner’s attention.

9. Look for common ground. You are more likely to stay constructively engaged if you focus

on similarities and shared concerns. Redirect an argument over bedtimes with “I know we

are both trying to figure out the best balance between enough sleep and time with the

kids…,” putting you both on the same problem-solving team.

10. Ask open-ended questions. The best fights are conversations in which you happen to

disagree. Don’t lecture your partner. Instead, invite him or her in. “Do you see it that way?”

or “What do you think?” can help. Listen to your partner’s response.

11. Use affirming statements. Even if you disagree with your partner, you can still make sure

your partner’s opinion gets heard. “I understand that you feel I should be doing more

chores, but I’m not sure I have enough time. We need to talk further” is more constructive

than “I’m busy.” You may still not take on more chores, but you have shown that you hear

your partner’s concern.

12. Accept the legitimacy of negative emotions. Rather than fighting against negative

emotions, commiserate with your partner. This is important if your partner is feeling grief.

You may be ready to “move on” but you will help your partner heal if you respond with “I’m

so sorry we’ve been through all of this. It’s been hard.”

19

If these strategies seem obvious, ask yourself if you are using them consistently. Probably

not. It takes thought and practice to use affirming statements and ask open-ended

questions when you are angry. It’s not just the words, it is the emotions behind them that

count.”[4]

There is Hope . . .

“With understanding and knowledge, one can transcend these feelings and find a new way

of being in the relationship. Learning all you can about ADHD and how it affects your

partner is vital. It is important to remember that even though your partner may no longer

be hyper-focused on you and your relationship, it does not mean he/she does not still love

you.

When both partners understand the way ADHD symptoms are impacting the marriage, you

can avoid patterns of frustration and anger. You must learn different behaviors to heal these

kinds of wounds through education, communication and counseling.”[5]

Learn how you and your loved one can better deal with the difficulties ADHD presents by

attending one of Play Attention’s free Speed

Webinars: http://www.playattention.com/speed-webinar/[6] Play Attention integrates

feedback technology with cognitive skill training and behavior shaping:

http://www.playattention.com/[7].

Complete our short survey and help us customize a Play Attention program that will address

your specific needs. To learn more: http://www.playattention.com/learn-more/.[8]

[1] http://www.lifescript.com/health/centers/adhd/tips/doctor-

recommended_tips_for_women_with_adhd.aspx

[2] http://jad.sagepub.com/content/8/1/1.short

[3] http://health.usnews.com/health-news/family-health/brain-and-

behavior/articles/2010/09/28/can-your-relationship-survive-adhd

[4] http://www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/10830-2.html

[5] http://www.yourtango.com/experts/leslie-rouder/add-marriage-how-be-happily-

married-your-add-spouse

[6] http://www.playattention.com/speed-webinar/

[7] http://www.playattention.com/

[8] http://www.playattention.com/learn-more/

20

Adult ADHD & Public Gatherings

It isn’t hard to understand why adults with ADHD have a difficult time with public

gatherings. Often times they lack the social skills that many expect from them such as

being able to listen or be polite. So if you’re an adult wanting to be part of social gatherings,

what can you do? Here are some suggestions.

Practice Makes Perfect – As we’ve talked about in other blogs on social skills, it’s

important to practice this skill before the big event. Social skills requires one to pay

attention long enough pick up queues that those without ADHD take for granted. Your local

public park is the perfect setting to practice. Sit on a bench and spend some time looking at

the people around you. Watch their facial expressions and body language. If close enough,

listen to the tone of their voice. Then decide if this person happy, sad, or perhaps even

mad.

Partner with a Friend – A close friend can be your best advocate when trying to become

more public-friendly. They will be honest with you. Have a friend help you with listening

skills. To practice, have your friend tell you a story. At the beginning, you may even want to

take notes as the story unfolds. Then have your friend ask questions to test your listening

skills. Keep the story short, about five minutes, which will likely

allow you to get through a typical conversation.

Learn not to interrupt – This can be a challenge for adults

struggling with ADHD. Without the attention needed to have a

successful interaction, interruptions are typical. Again, solicit the

help of a close friend and practice having a conversation so you can

practice your conversation skills. Be sure to tell your friend that

they will need to clue you in when you interrupt. Don’t take it

personally. Consider this training like learning to play the piano; if

you hit a wrong note, you’ll want to practice more until you get it right.

Limit You Time – To be successful, you may want to limit the time you spend at a public

gathering. If an hour or two is the most you can handle to stay focused, then leave when

you need to. It’s better to explain that you’ll need to leave then to stay too long and blow it.

Pick and Choose Events – Social gatherings that are casual allow you to be a more

successful setting. The ability to move around and jump from conversation to conversation

will give you some flexibility with your inherent ADHD symptoms (i.e. hyperactivity,

inattentiveness, etc.). Choosing to attend a formal dinner that requires you to sit and

converse with the same people for long periods of time could lead to disaster.

Be the Host – What better way to ensure that you are successful at a public gathering than

to host the event. Since you know where you’re the most successful, why not set up a

gathering that you know will work for you. Think outside the box. Maybe your outing is a

21

rafting trip and a picnic lunch after, or maybe a pick-up game of basketball with friends, or

a group trip to the movies and dinner afterwards. Any of these will allow time with friends

and the activity that you need.

Social skills can be taught, and with practice they can become as second nature as walking.

To help with practice, your Play Attention program will address this directly. Not only will

Play Attention offer you the ability to learn to pay attention for longer periods of time, but

also the program provides a specific training for social skills. Starting with simply identify

facial expression and working to complex situation of body language and voice tone, the

social skills component of Play Attention will provide the right platform to transform you

from publicly challenged to a social butterfly.

22

Helping Hands Provide Family Support!

Family Support

– It takes a village to raise a child.

When you read this ancient African proverb, you can appreciate

the sentiment that a child needs more than just the parents’

direction when growing up. It is important that the entire

society is involved to nurture and meet the needs of the child.

Family support comes in many forms. It may come from a

spouse, older siblings, a grandparent, teachers, a pastor, or a

licensed professional. Parents need to feel they can reach out

for help.

If you are a parent raising a child with ADHD, it’s even more important to ask for help when

you need it. Here are some strategies to use when thinking about support:

Family units need to remain strong. If you’re in a marriage, divorced, or raising a

child as a single parent, your family can be the greatest source of strength. Be sure to

include friends, immediate family, and extended family members in your support circle.

Even the smallest thing like an older cousin taking your child out to play basketball while

you clean the house is a huge help. While you’re tidying up, your child is exerting some of

that never-ending energy and forming another family bond.

Daily support – Find support from a spouse or friend. This person should be someone

you can talk to on a variety of difficult issues. It may be someone who is also raising a child

with ADHD. Even if they’re not, it’s helpful to have someone to share your thoughts.

Divide and conquer – Don’t be afraid to divvy up responsibilities. Solicit the help of

an older sibling, or a friend’s high school student to help with homework. Have a

grandparent come over while you take a walk or go to the gym.

Keep things simple – To offset crazy schedules and hectic lives keep things simple

whenever possible. For instance, once a week, serve a nutritious meal of “make your own

23

sandwich,” along with a salad, served on a recycled paper plate. This simplifies at least one

evening meal.

Support from school – Talk to your child’s teacher often. Take time to discuss your

child’s progress in the class and strategies you can use at home. A classroom teacher deals

with many students with attention challenges. You can learn from their expertise.

Spiritual Guidance – You may choose to ask for guidance from a pastor or rabbi that

you have a relationship with. Meditation may also offer a way to de-stress and keeps one

grounded.

Consult a professional – When a child or adult is diagnosed with ADHD, professional

counseling may be recommended. When looking for a professional, be certain that person

understands your outlook on ADHD. Look for a counselor who specializes in ADHD and is

willing to help the whole family. Since we know that it takes a village to raise a child,

getting the entire family involved will lead to a greater understanding and a better chance of

success.

24

ADHD and Your Child

Parenting Tips and Tricks…

Understanding ourselves, understanding our ADHD child . . .

According to www.childdevelopmentinfo.com, “Handling our ADHD children’s anger can be

puzzling, draining, and distressing for adults. In fact, one of the major problems in dealing

with anger in ADHD children is the angry feelings that are often stirred up in us. It has been

said that we as parents, teachers, counselors, and administrators need to remind ourselves

that we were not always taught how to deal with anger as a fact of life during our own

childhood. We were led to believe that to be angry was to be bad, and we were often made

to feel guilty for expressing anger.

It will be easier to deal with ADHD children’s anger if we get rid of this notion. Our goal is

not to repress or destroy angry feelings in children–or in ourselves–but rather to accept the

feelings and to help channel and direct them to constructive ends.

Parents and teachers must allow ADHD children to feel all their feelings. Adult skills can

then be directed toward showing children acceptable ways of expressing their feelings.

Strong feelings cannot be denied, and angry outbursts should not always be viewed as a

sign of serious problems; they should be recognized and treated with respect.

To respond effectively to overly aggressive behavior in children we need to have some ideas

about what may have triggered an outburst. Anger may be a defense to avoid painful

feelings; it may be associated with failure, low self-esteem, and feelings of isolation; or it

may be related to anxiety about situations over which the child has no control.

Angry defiance may also be associated

with feelings of dependency, and

anger may be associated with sadness

and depression. In childhood, anger

and sadness are very close to one

another, and it is important to

remember that much of what an adult

experiences as sadness is expressed

by a child as anger.

25

Before we look at specific ways to manage aggressive and angry outbursts, several points

should be highlighted:

We should distinguish between anger and aggression. Anger is a temporary

emotional state caused by frustration; aggression is often an attempt to hurt a person or to

destroy property.

Anger and aggression do not have to be dirty words. In other words, in looking at

aggressive behavior in ADHD children, we must be careful to distinguish between behavior

that indicates emotional problems and behavior that is normal.

In dealing with angry ADHD children, our actions should be motivated by the need to

protect and to reach, not by a desire to punish. Parents and teachers should show a child

that they accept his or her feelings, while suggesting other ways to express the feelings. An

adult might say, for example, “Let me tell you what some children would do in a situation

like this…” It is not enough to tell children what behaviors we find unacceptable. We must

teach them acceptable ways of coping. Also, ways must be found to communicate what we

expect of them. Contrary to popular opinion, punishment is not the most effective way to

communicate to children what we expect of them.

Good discipline includes creating an atmosphere of quiet firmness, clarity, and

conscientiousness, while using reasoning. Bad discipline involves punishment which is

unduly harsh and inappropriate, and it is often associated with verbal ridicule and attacks on

the child’s integrity.

As one fourth-grade teacher put it: “One of the most important goals we strive for as

parents, educators, and mental health professionals is to help children develop respect for

themselves and others.” While arriving at this goal takes years of patient practice, it is a

vital process in which parents, teachers, and all caring adults can play a crucial and exciting

role. In order to accomplish this, we must see children as worthy human beings and be

sincere in dealing with them.”[1]

“Neurofeedback is designed to help the brain regulate itself better, it is often used to help

people with rapidly shifting moods, or intense moods, such as anger and rage. This is

usually done in a way that helps lower the arousal or activation level of selected parts of the

brain, or helps two parts of the brain change their way of working together.”[2]

“Proponents of neurofeedback claim that this form of self-regulating training is better than

using prescription medication which comes with a host of issues of their own.

26

Neurofeedback for ADHD children appears often in the form of video games that help

moderate brain activity in the child. These therapy sessions are therefore seen as fun.”[3]

“Computer-based neurofeedback can produce significant and lasting improvement in

attention and focus in children with attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) and is

superior to computer-based cognitive training (CT), new research shows. Results from a

randomized controlled trial showed that children who received computer-based

neurofeedback made faster and greater improvements in ADHD symptoms, which were

sustained at the 6- month follow-up, than their peers who received computer CT.

“Sustainability of improvements after a behavioral intervention is not usually found, and an

important finding,” Naomi Steiner, MD, of the Floating Hospital for Children at Tufts Medical

Center in Boston, Massachusetts, told Medscape Medical News.”[4]

Read the controlled studies performed by Naomi Steiner, MD, where she used Play Attention

as the learning tool for the Neurofeedback group.

Read Peter’s Play Attention success story. His behaviors improved incredibly through the

Play Attention training. He was actually able to graduate from a self-contained behavior

classroom to the regular classroom! http://www.playattention.com/adhd-success-

stories/pj/[5]

How to Teach Positive Behaviors to Your ADHD Child

“Some children, especially those with severe ADHD symptoms, benefit from behavioral

therapy along with medication; for others, the training may make enough difference to

enable them to succeed in school and function well at home without medication.

One important reason for kids to participate in behavioral therapy (whether or not they also

take medication) is that ADHD medications stop working when you stop taking them, while

behavioral therapy can teach children skills that will continue to benefit them as they grow

up.” [6]

Play Attention integrates feedback technology with cognitive skill training and behavior

shaping. http://www.playattention.com/solution/behavior/[7]

“Take the High Road – Be Positive –

By the time a parent is sitting in that chair in front of me, they are usually at wit’s end. That

end usually comes when they are threatening to pull their hair out and are so angry that

they yell at the kid and make demands. Sometimes, they are so angry, they admit to

27

feelings of wanting to “just hurt him, because of the hurt he’s caused me”! Of course, the

more demands made and the more threats promised, the less likely the child will cooperate.

A vicious cycle is usually set when a child becomes “resistant” to his or her parent’s threats,

yelling and screaming. That’s when they seem to just “tune you out” or develop what I call

the “duh syndrome”. Tuning you out is the way an ADHD child remains in control.”[8]

“Always start your conversations with an expression of your love and concern for

your child’s safety. For example, “Billy, I was really worried when I heard the front window

break.” “Did you get hurt when your ball went through the glass?”

Displaying a positive caring and non-judgmental concern into any negative

circumstance tends to make the “pill” of telling the truth a lot easier for the child to swallow.

Indicate your primary concern is the child and not the event.

Don’t accuse your ADHD child of wrong doing before you clearly first obtain his or

her side of the story and only then secondly get everyone else’s. You teach the positive

attitude of fairness and justice for all, when you set this example.

When it’s obvious they have “tuned you out”, don’t argue with them. Instead, allow

them a cool down period and once they are receptive to further discussion of “whatever set

them off”, just calmly point out that you understand their need to think about what

happened before talking about it.

Let your child catch you saying nice things about others, instead of derogatory

remarks. I often hear parents say, “Take a look at that kid with the long hair and ring in his

nose.” “That makes him just plain ugly and I bet he’s dumb as a mule, too!” How can your

kids hope to be unique individuals in the face of such unproven, unfounded accusations?

Nothing impresses an ADHD child more than to hear a compliment about one of their “cool

friends” or someone they value coming from you, instead of criticism. This really teaches

that they can form non-judgmental opinions about others, without “buying into” their

attitudes or culture. You are in essence teaching the positive attitude of respecting other’s

rights.

Set the example you want your child to follow. If you smoke, expect they will

probably smoke. The same is true of alcohol and drugs, cursing, promiscuous sex -- you get

the picture. You must be the pattern that you expect your children to follow. Or, would you

rather they follow someone else’s lifestyle and attitude mindset? Children with ADHD tend to

be weak in what we call “executive functioning.” Executive functions are the self-regulating

skills that we all use to accomplish tasks, from getting dressed to doing homework. They

28

include planning, organizing time and materials, making decisions, shifting from one

situation to another, controlling our emotions and learning from past mistakes. “[9]

“Dr. Naomi Steiner[10], an expert in this field, states that individuals with ADHD have a

problem with executive functioning skills, of which Emotional Self-Regulation is a key

component. This, along with a lack of will, says Steiner, contributes to the “blow ups” and

outbursts individuals with ADHD display.”

Dr. Steiner was recently interviewed on CNN, of which, Play Attention was the intervention

she used:

http://www.cnn.com/videos/living/2015/10/05/brain-training-to-help-with-anxiety-and-

adhd.cnn[11]

“Play Attention was developed to deal with these kinds of difficulties in the executive

functioning areas of the brain through the development of cognitive skill sets. To learn

more, peruse our website and check out our cognitive games[12] Play Attention integrates

feedback technology with cognitive skill training and behavior shaping.

You may learn more about Play Attention at one of our upcoming Speed Webinars,[13]. At

the webinar you can learn how Play Attention can help your child develop coping skills that

will last a lifetime.”

“Parenting kids with ADHD can feel like a frustrating—and sometimes unfeasible—task. But

“Don’t let ADHD rob you of the joy of being a parent,” Palladino says.

When parents are at their wits’ end, they can do a few things to help. For instance, she

suggests a parent “cradle your arms and remember what it felt like when your child was

born.”

If you’re “correcting your child too much, turn your ring or put your wristwatch on your

other hand, and don’t put it back the right way until you’ve thought of and said something

positive or caught your child being good,” she says.[14]

Your attention experts are at playattention.com[15]. Chat with us from that site, or call us

at 800.788.6786 to learn how Play Attention can help develop coping skills, reduce

disruptive behaviors, and improve impulse control.

[1] http://childdevelopmentinfo.com/how-to-be-a-parent/angry_child/

[2] http://jacobsassociates.org/id27.html

29

[3] http://www.help-your-child-with-anger.com/neurofeedback-for-adhd.html

[4] http://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/821113

[5] http://www.playattention.com/adhd-success-stories/pj/

[6] http://www.childmind.org/en/posts/articles/2014-1-21-behavioral-treatment-kids-adhd

[7] http://www.playattention.com/solution/behavior/

[8] http://adhdbehavior.com/index/?p=170

[9] http://www.childmind.org/en/posts/articles/2014-1-21-behavioral-treatment-kids-adhd

[10] http://www.additudemag.com/RCLP/sub/11451.html

[11] http://www.cnn.com/videos/living/2015/10/05/brain-training-to-help-with-anxiety-

and-adhd.cnn

[12] http://www.playattention.com/play-attention-cognitive-games/

[13] http://www.playattention.com/speed-webinar/

[14] http://psychcentral.com/lib/parenting-kids-with-adhd-16-tips-to-tackle-common-

challenges/2/

[15] http://www.playattention.com/

30

Parent Attitude May Prolong Childhood ADHD

Tired of ‘nagging’ all the time?

A recent study conducted by Florida International

University measured how children’s’ ADHD symptoms

changed and how this was related to their parents’

levels of criticism and emotional involvement.

“The study, which was funded by the National

Institute of Mental Health, aimed to try to provide

some insight into the perplexing question of why the

trajectory of kids with ADHD seems to diverge during

the teenage years. About half of kids with ADHD see

their symptoms drop off at that time, while the other

half do not. Previous studies also have shown that

about a fourth of teens lose their diagnosis by the

time they reach young adulthood. For those whose

symptoms persist, the consequences can be serious

and include drug abuse and addiction, school

dropout, criminality and antisocial behavior.

In order to characterize a parent’s relationship with a

child, the researchers used what’s known as a five-minute speech sample. Parents were

asked in a very open-ended way to ‘tell us about your child and relationship with your child’

for an uninterrupted period of time. Those descriptions were recorded and researchers went

back and assigned codes to various words, phrases and other patterns. A comment that

“Charlie is a really bad kid. He’s always getting into trouble” would merit a higher score for

being critical than, say, ‘Charlie sometimes does bad things.’”

The analysis of the data, published in the Journal of Abnormal Psychology last week, had

some surprises. It showed that sustained critical parenting — which was defined as high

levels of harsh, negative statements about the child — appeared to be associated with the

continuance of ADHD symptoms. The author, Dr. Musser said that this finding, if confirmed,

could lead to new types of interventions that focus on family well-being as a way of treating

the disorder, which impacts an estimated 6.4 million children in the United States.”[1]

31

Kids who have ADHD tend to become defiant when they are expected to do homework, go

to bed, stop playing a game, sit down and eat dinner. These situations are difficult for them

to tolerate because of inherit deficits in paying attention, tolerating a boring situation,

reining in impulses, transitioning from a fun activity, and controlling their activity level.

Since these situations are really hard for them—more aversive than they are for typical

kids—over time, they try to avoid them. [2]

[1] http://www.santafenewmexican.com/life/family/study-parents-nagging-may-prolong-

kid-s-adhd/article_17fe28d7-7f4e-57d4-899d-7b3eb8dbeed5.html

[2] http://www.childmind.org/en/posts/ask-an-expert/2014-1-3-son-with-adhd-defiant-

emotionally-overreactive

32

Parenting an ADHD Child

Self-Help Tips to Stop the ‘Nagging’…

Kids who have ADHD tend to become defiant when they are expected to do homework, go

to bed, stop playing a game, sit down and eat dinner. These situations are difficult for them

to tolerate because of inherit deficits in paying attention, tolerating a boring situation,

reining in impulses, transitioning from a fun activity, and controlling their activity level.

Since these situations are really hard for them—more aversive than they are for typical

kids—over time, they try to avoid them. [1]

Below are four useful self-help steps to get away from lecturing, nagging and punishing that

will help you move toward having a healthier relationship with your ADHD child.

1. “Put the lecture on ‘pause.’ When

you’re worried about your child’s

irresponsibility and you’re about to lecture

and preach, stop for a moment and breathe.

The moment between your child’s action and

your response is your most important

parenting moment. It is in this space that you

can choose to respond from a knee-jerk

reaction or from a more thoughtful place. The

knee-jerk response often calms you down

momentarily, but it’s the start to becoming a

nag. When you pause and think about the bigger picture, you can make a better choice: the

choice to stay out of your child’s box and to remain emotionally separate. Without the

pause, it’s easy to let your emotions lead you astray.

2. Shift your gaze off of your child—and onto yourself. Confront yourself with the

important questions. Ask yourself, ‘What would a responsible parent do in this situation?

What are my options if my child is not acting responsibly—and which option do I want to

choose? And am I willing to live with the possible consequences of that choice?’

First, stop and ask yourself, ‘Is there any way I might be contributing to my child’s

irresponsibility? Have I set myself up to be the nag, or am I over-functioning for him?’

You’re taking the obligation off of him because you’re serving as a constant reminder about

what he should be doing. This gets in the way of your child being able to hear his own voice.

Now, instead of learning responsibility, he’s learning to function in reaction to you.

It is more effective to determine what your bottom line is, and then give consequences

when your child doesn’t do his job. Always go back to, ‘What’s my responsibility here, and

what’s my child’s?’

33

3. What does my child need? Understand that kids with ADHD, ADD or other learning

disabilities may need a different kind of guidance from parents. Perhaps they often forget

homework at school or neglect to hand it in, even when they’ve done it. If this is the

situation in your family, your job is to help your child create a structure for himself. You will

likely have to stay more involved and check in more often. Another thing to ask yourself is,

‘What does this child need?’ Not, ‘What do my kids need,’ but ‘What does this particular kid

need?’. And then determine what your responsibilities are and aren’t.

4. Know when you’re in your child’s box. Most of the time we’re not necessarily aware

that we have crossed boundaries. There are usually signs that you have stepped into your

child’s box. It might be when you’re feeling frazzled, at the end of your rope, and frustrated.

On the other hand, when you feel calm and engaged in your own interests, that may

indicate that you’re in your own box. Know what the triggers are that cause you to jump

from your box to his. Try to increase your awareness of yourself.

Most of us think we’re teaching our kids responsibility. But truth be told, we’re really

preaching it. And guess what? This only creates more dependency. Dependency in

relationships doesn’t encourage kids to be responsible for themselves—quite the opposite, in

fact. The more you act in ways that respect your own values and principles, the more you

will promote the necessary emotional separateness between yourself and your child. Why is

this important? The more emotionally separate you are, the freer your child is to see you

more clearly, with all your strengths and weaknesses—which allows him to see himself more

clearly. You’re no longer in his box or in his head, telling him what to do all the time. And

the more clearly or objectively your child sees himself and others and acts on that

awareness, the more responsible for himself he can become.”[2]

Play Attention can help improve memory, paying attention, finishing tasks, and behavior.

Play Attention allows the user to view the attentive state in real-time. Over time, Play

Attention individuals can learn to increase focus and concentration. Attend one of our

FREE Live Speed Webinars to learn more: http://www.playattention.com/speed-webinar/.

Don’t have time to make the date? We are here to help, watch our Webinar on Demand at

your own convenience: http://www.playattention.com/demand-webinar/

[1] http://www.childmind.org/en/posts/ask-an-expert/2014-1-3-son-with-adhd-defiant-

emotionally-overreactive

[2] https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/irresponsible-children-why-nagging-and-

lecturing-dont-work/

34

Building a Strong Relationship with Your Child

The family unit, whether melded, a traditional, or single parent, consists of a group of

people who love and care about each other. The family is where we learn about values,

traditions, and behaviors. In order for the family unit to remain strong, we must nurture

and take care of it, but first we must create a sturdy foundation. Here are some tips to

building a strong family foundation.

Teach Values – We influence how our children see the world from an early age. Take time

to teach them the values you want to instill in them. They will then take those values out

into the world. Surround your child with good examples that will help them navigate

through life. Teach by example.

Create Family Loyalty – Family loyalty goes a long way when building a strong

relationship. Your support during challenging times as well as joyous times will help create a

solid bond able to withstand any storm. Celebrate the wins and provide shelter during bad

weather.

Show Appreciation – Strong families show appreciation towards each other. A simple

“thank you” creates a positive foundation within a family. Appreciation is as vital to a strong

family as love is. Showing gratitude to all family members increases self-esteem and the

family bond. We commonly take for granted many of the things other family members do

for us. Demonstrating true appreciation for the meal prepared, bringing a glass of water,

turning off the light when appropriate, etc. pays great dividends for the entire family.

Nothing divides a family quicker than feeling under appreciated. Appreciation is also a great

value to teach.

Communicate – Communication is the key to building and

maintaining a strong relationship. Be open and honest in your

communication, but also be kind. The message you deliver can

strengthen the bond with your child, or it can start to chip

away at the mortar that keeps it together. Strong families

spend a lot of time talking things out, voicing and forming

opinions. When communication turns to disagreement, be sure

to attack the problem, not the person. Establish rules for

communication prior to discussion. That will help set limits and

keep feelings from becoming involved.

Create Spiritual Wellness – Spiritual wellness comes in

many forms. Whether they attend formal religious services or

not, strong families believe there is a greater good or higher

power. Spiritual wellness creates a positive outlook and helps families cope during difficult

times. It’s reciprocal; nurturing spiritual wellness among family members will increase your

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personal spiritual wellness. It comes full circle; it starts with others and enriches every

member.

Start Traditions – Traditions are the roots of a family. Generational traditions are the

source of strong bonds with our ancestors. These should be cherished, but strong families

create their own traditions. Whether it is the menu at the holidays, or even which holidays

are celebrated, create your own traditions that your own children can look back on and

cherish.

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Sibling Relationships

Being the sibling of someone with ADHD can be challenging. Children with ADHD are often

creative, energetic, and always out for a good time. About Health’s ADHD expert, Keath

Low, offers some great advice for helping form strong relationships with siblings. Low isn’t

far off the mark when she states, “ADHD has an impact on all family members. Living with a

brother or sister with ADHD can evoke a wide range of emotions in siblings.”

Here are some tips for helping sibling relationships:

Take time out to spend quality time with your non-ADHD child. Let them know they

are special and helpful.

Let your child learn about ADHD. Provide age-appropriate materials to help with

the learning process. Young children can learn a lot from Katy’s Secret, an ADHD

Story.

Teach your child techniques on how to develop a good relationship with their ADHD

sibling. Practice role playing to help children learn how to cope. Keep it positive. Use

encouragement and kindness when

you see siblings getting along. Be

there when your child needs to vent.

Keep home life structured. All

children flourish when things are

predictable. Predictability and ADHD

are like oil and water, so it’s much

more important that you adhere to

routines to keep consistent.

Make sure all siblings follow rules. Rules should remain simple so everyone

easily recalls them. Making compensations for an ADHD sibling can cause resentment

and feelings of being treated unfairly.

Be patient. If you are constantly on edge and irritated with your ADHD child, their

siblings may pick up on this behavior. If they see you helping in a kind and loving

way, they will learn the same.

Find a support group. CHADD is a nationally recognized support group for anyone

struggling with ADHD. Social media weighs in with a multitude of ways to get

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support. Communities like ADHD Kids Care provide support for parents and families.

Twitter holds its own with blasts about where to get help for ADHD.

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Play Attention is here to help. Please call us at 800-788-6786 and speak with one of our

educational advisors. We can develop a customized program for you that will help develop

the skills that can lead to better attention, improved relationships, and a happier, more

successful life.

Transform you mind. Success awaits.

www.playattention.com