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Pasutri Benny – Daisy

Tujuh tahapan marriage development

1. Passion

2. Realization

3. Rebellion

4. Cooperation

5. Reunion

6. Explosion

7. Completion

Rita DeMaria, Ph.D., Council for Relationships July 3, 2008 Smart Marriages Happy Families San Francisco, CA

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Tantangan di usia pernikahan s/d 3 tahun

• Realization :

– The rose-colored glasses come off now – differentiation begins

• Rebellion :

– Me, Me, Me!

– Growth through conflict - from control

– to compromise....

– on to negotiation

Rita DeMaria, Ph.D., Council for Relationships July 3, 2008 Smart Marriages Happy Families San Francisco, CA

Tahap Realisasi, ketika :

• Romansa dan “Passion” mulai memudar • Mulai ada “Negosiasi” • Perlu penjelasan tentang diri kepada

pasangan • Aturan-aturan baru mulai dibuat • Ketidaksempurnaan semakin terlihat • Merasa terusik – pasangan mulai terlihat

menyebalkan, bahkan “boring” • Self Questioning – tepatkah pilihanku ini ? • Baru menikah paling tidak 6 bulan sampai

dengan 2 tahunan

http://www.rd.com/advice/relationships/7-stages-of-marriage-realization-stage/#ixzz2xHOUIsxS

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Tahap Rebellion, ketika :

• Anda dan pasangan mulai sering adu “kekuatan”/ power

• Anda dan pasangan mengalami “affair” atau mulai hampir mengalaminya

• Anda sendiri atau berdua mempunyai keinginan kuat untuk “merdeka” menjalani minat dan kesenangan masing-masing

• Anda mendapati diri Anda menarik diri dari pasangan dan pernikahan Anda

• Anda sudah menikah paling tidak 2 tahun, atau bahkan bisa dimulai lebih awal

http://www.rd.com/advice/relationships/7-stages-of-marriage-rebellion-stage/#ixzz2xHQHkmNG

Akibatnya …… Married (but) Single

• Status menikah • Tinggal satu rumah • Tidur masih satu tempat tidur • Punya rekening bersama • TAPI….. • Menjalani hidup masing-masing • Masih berkomunikasi… namun

komunikasi yang bagaimana ? • Sekedar saling menjaga dan

menghindari konflik

Percakapan Biasa

Menceritakan tentang orang

lain

Gagasan dan penilaian saya

Perasaan dan emosi saya

Dialog

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Hati-hati karena….

• Communication becomes shorter and shorter. Distance apart grows a little more each day.

• Komunikasi semakin jarang • Jarak semakin lebar • Perasaan ditolak, • Kesepian, • Kesedihan menuju depresi

• Terbiasa dengan empty companionship,

• mengabaikan rasa kesepian, • pembiaran, dan tidak

melakukan apapun untuk memperbaiki

Sangat rentan terhadap semua perilaku adiktif : alcoholism, lust, an affair, food disorders, and

workaholism

Bagaimana mengatasinya ?

• Kembali pada “tugas perkembangan” (developmental tasks) atau “mission” yang melekat di setiap tahapan.

• Putuskan dan sadari bahwa Anda memliki kekuatan untuk mengubah sesuatu

• Empat hal penting diingat adalah : – Be honest with yourself

– Take responsibility of your role

– Face your fears and communicate in love language

– Create physical, emotion and spiritual balance

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The mission of Realization Stage

• Mission 1: Understand your Expectations

• Mission 2: Open, Honest Talking

• Mission 3: Learn Empathetic Listening

• Mission 4: Be Friends

• Mission 5: Split Household Chores Fairly

• Mission 6: Become a Money Team

Rita DeMaria, Ph.D., Council for Relationships July 3, 2008 Smart Marriages Happy Families San Francisco, CA

The mission of Rebellion Stage

• Mission 1: Turn Power Struggles into Acceptance

• Mission 2: Move from Conflict to Problem-Solving

• Mission 3: Set and Pursue Healthy Personal Goals

• Mission 4: Renew Your Spirituality

• Mission 5: Recover from Infidelities

• Mission 6: Forgive Your Spouse and Yourself

Rita DeMaria, Ph.D., Council for Relationships July 3, 2008 Smart Marriages Happy Families San Francisco, CA

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CHRIST & COUPLE PRAYER

●Communication

●Compromise

●Commitment

Namun terutama ingatlah kembali bahwa dalam pernikahan Kristen :

WOMAN MAN

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13

“Communication is to marriage as blood is to the body”

--Anonymous

14 --Anonymous

“Compromise is an agreement or a settlement of a dispute that is reached by each side making concessions”

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15 --Anonymous

“Commitment means effort, perseverance and courage”

God has called the two to be help-mates and companions.

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“Companionship – (friendship) merupakan kunci penting bagi keintiman dalam pernikahan (intimacy)”

--Anonymous

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The Timeline of Marriage Embrace Change

• Every marriage is unique.

• Change never, ever stops.

• Incredible, inevitable journey

• Live your stage.

• Cultivate love

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References

• DeMaria, Rita & Harrar, Sari. 2007. The 7 Stages of Marriage The Reader’s Digest Association, Inc.

• DeMaria, Rita, Ph.D., Council for Relationships July 3, 2008. Smart Marriages Happy Families San Francisco, CA

• Wheat, Ed. MD. 1980. Love-life for married couple. Michigan. Zondervan

• http://www.marriagedoctor.com/article-7stages-of-marriage.htm

• http://www.heartlight.org/feature/feature_082896_single.html