skytrek - the krystals of kharg

8/9/2019 Skytrek - The Krystals of Kharg

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SKYTREK : THE KRYSTALS OF KHARG

DANNY MIAMI


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PROLOGUE

On a small planet in a distant Galaxy, two figures were moving purposefullyacross a wide desolate plain towards a rocky hillside, their way illuminated bytwin moons hanging in the purple night sky.

The tall thin figure, Kharg, had a domed hairless head and glittering yelloweyes. He wore a high-collared flowing velvet robe which concealed his bonyframe and reached the ground, giving the impression that he drifted alongrather than walked.

His companion, Giraffe, who preferred to think of himself as a bit on theshort side, was really a dwarf and he had to trot along to keep up. He waswearing a top hat and tails and carried a shovel over his shoulder.

After fifteen minutes walking they reached the rocky hillside and as Girafferested, Kharg drifted around, checking co-ordinates on a small positioningscanner.

This is the spot, he said eventually in his slow, rasping voice, indicating anarea near a large boulder. Begin digging, Giraffe.

Giraffe removed his top hat and jacket and placed them on the boulder. Herolled up the sleeves of his white shirt, revealing short muscular arms, pickedup his shovel and leaned it over his shoulder.

Hi ho! Hi ho! Its off to work I go! he sang, skipping round the boulder intime to his singing.

Dig! Kharg rasped impatiently.

Giraffe grinned at him. Ah, youve no sense of humour, Boss, he said.You take all this too seriously. Youd think you wanted to rule the bloodyUniverse or something.

I do, rasped Kharg. After I destroy Earth. Now dig!Giraffe thrust his shovel into the ground then stood on it so it sank in

deeper and grunting with the effort, began to dig. After hed broken throughthe hard pebbly surface, the soil was like fine powdered sand and soon hisdigging had cleared a deep hole.

Youre sure this is the spot, Kharg? he asked, stopping for a rest andmopping at his face with a handkerchief.

Of course Im sure! rasped Kharg. Keep digging.

Grumbling under his breath, Giraffe picked up his shovel again andcontinued clearing more of the fine powdery sand from the hole. After a fewminutes of further digging he thudded into something solid.

Careful! instructed Kharg, drifting closer. Use your hands.Giraffe tossed his shovel aside and knelt down in the hole. As Kharg

peered down watchfully, he began clearing the sand away from the solidobject with his hands. They were just the right size for the job and soon heuncovered a large gleaming white rock.

Thats it! hissed Kharg. Bring it up.Puffing and panting and cursing, Giraffe freed the white rock from the sand

and groaning under its weight, heaved it over the edge of the hole then

levered himself out.

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Khargs yellow eyes glittered as he looked at the rock and the slit in hislower face opened in a facsimile of a smile, revealing thin pointed teeth. Hebent down and effortlessly lifted it then drifted away with it to some levelground.

Giraffe climbed onto the nearby boulder and sat there, mopping his face

and catching his breath. When hed recovered, he took a cigar from the insidepocket of his jacket and lit it then made himself comfortable on the boulder towatch Kharg.

This should be good, he muttered, puffing away happily. Worth all thatbloody digging.

A short distance away Kharg had laid the white rock on the ground and haddrifted back from it a little. He raised his hands, spread his long taperingfingers then flicked them. Instantly, ten straight blue lines shot out from them,straight blue lines that hissed and crackled and gouged holes in the ground.He brought his hands together, palm to palm and the ten blue lines fused intoa single thick one, emanating from his right index finger.

He pointed up into the night sky and as he moved his finger along, traces ofblue remained against the darkness. Satisfied, he began outlining somethingand as Giraffe watched, a large hand began to take shape.

When the hand was completed Kharg flicked his finger and the thick blueline changed to an intermittent golden one. He sprayed the gold light all overthe hand and when it was covered, stood back to watch.

Slowly, the shimmering gold began to disappear and when the last of itvanished there was a real live hand underneath the skin was a light browncolour, nails had formed on the ends of fingers, knuckles stood out and veinscriss-crossed and pulsed slightly.

Giraffe applauded. Brilliant special effects, Boss! he said, grinning.Kharg ignored him and watched as the fingers of the hand twitched slightly

then it began moving across the night sky. Suddenly it swooped down in awide curve and stopped in front of him.

Kharg pointed at the white rock and the hand moved forward and picked itup. The fingers curled round it and squeezed and there were crunchingsounds as the rock disintegrated. The hand shot upwards then tossed thefragments high into the air and they whirled round and round as they rose,sparkling in the moonlight.

Just as they were about to fall back, they stopped and hung motionless inthe purple night sky. Each of the fragments began glowing from within then

flashed and changed into small multi-coloured crystals.The crystals fell to the ground around Kharg and when the last one haddropped he drifted forward and held out a long bony hand. One by one, thecrystals leapt from the ground and into his palm, forming a neat glowingpyramid.

At last I have them! he rasped triumphantly. I have the Krystals! TheKrystals of Kharg!!

Behind him, Giraffe applauded enthusiastically. Amazing special effects,boss! The best Ive seen yet!

Kharg ignored him again and took out an ornate ivory box. Carefully he slidthe Krystals into it then replaced it inside his voluminous dark blue robe.

Come Giraffe, he rasped, drifting away. There is much we have to do.

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Aw dont tell me we have to walk all the way back to the ship? Giraffecomplained. Its bloody miles.

Kharg stopped and turned. What do you suggest? he rasped.A taxi! replied Giraffe, grinning. He put two fingers to his mouth and let out

a piercing whistle.

Immediately the hand swooped down from the sky and hovered in front ofthem. Giraffe grabbed his hat and jacket, ambled over and climbed into it. Hepeered over the large fingers which were curled up slightly then he pointedinto the distance.

Follow that meteor! he yelled, giggling.Kharg shook his head then drifted over and joined him. He rasped out an

order and the hand rose into the air then started moving away from the rockyhillside and headed back across the plain towards their ship.

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CHAPTER ONE

Why do I like working for Kharg? Thats an easyone. Kharg has vision, he has charisma, he hasamazing magic powers everything a futureBoss of the Universe needs. Apart from that, hepromised to make me taller!

GIRAFFE

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PART ONE

Space. The final challenge.These are the journeys of the starship Orion. Our five year mission : to getabout the Universe a bit and see if any aliens can play Grand Theft Auto IV no thats not right.our five year mission : to search out new worlds and newlife-forms, to make contact with new civilizations, to bravely go where no manhas ever gone.

CAPTAINS LOG : STARDATE 501.75A few days after leaving Earth on our latest journey into one of the unexplored

areas of the Universe, we picked up a distress call from a ship somewhere inthe Avalon System. The signal was weak and we have no idea how long itsbeen beaming out but under one of the unwritten laws of space, all distresscalls must be responded to and consequently we have changed course andare on our way to investigate.

Captain James T. Kork sighed, closed the ships Log and leaned as farback in his chair as his Tummy Trimmer Corset would comfortably allow. Withthat first entry yet another mission of the Orion had officially commenced. Godknows how long this one would last and here he was, once again condemnedto wear this stupid, ridiculous uniform.

To bravely go where no man has ever gone ought to be to bravely wearwhat no man has ever worn, he thought in disgust.

He glanced down at the garish, bright red jumper, the ill-fitting green skipants and the lace-up brown combat boots he had to wear. With despairingrealization he noticed that apart from the colours not co-ordinating, therewasnt even any overall flair to the design of the outfit. Groaning, he strolledover to the full length mirror in his cabin and examined himself.

Who in their right mind would turn out garbage like this? he muttered,peering at the uniform from several different angles. Look at it whoeverdesigned this uniform must have been a whisky-soaked drunkard. No wonder

any new life-forms we meet laugh at us. How the hell can we expect them totake us seriously when were dressed like this?If only Federation Command had taken him up on his offer to re-design the

uniforms for the entire Star Fleet. Hed taken a portfolio with him to HeadQuarters at the end of the last mission but after theyd looked at his round-collared cut away velvet jackets, white shirts with frilled fronts and anindividual choice of full length breeches, theyd ordered him to rest completelyfor a month then had offered him a desk bound job as a Mission Co-ordinator.

True the salary would have been higher and he wouldnt have had toendure these tedious voyages but my God, the uniforms Mission Co-ordinators had to wear they were worse than this! Those stiff collars really

chaffed the underside of your chin, an inherited weak spot with him anywayand the breeches that ended just below the knee were hell in winter.

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On the grounds of superior clothes taste hed turned down the offer andhad settled for another mission with the Orion.

This time his younger brother Ricky was accompanying them on theinvitation of Federation Command who were trying to persuade him to jointhem.

God knows why, thought Captain Kork, still glancing at himself in themirror.

Agreed, Rickys intelligence was exceptional but so was his fondness forevery conceivable drug known to man, something he would have to watch himon.

Apart from that he also dresses like a tramp, muttered the Captain, havinga last look at himself before he made his way to the bridge.

He smoothed down a few wayward strands of his neat but fashionably cutbrown hair and smiled lazily at his reflection. Damn! Those little crows feet atthe corners of his eyes really gave his handsome tanned face an added touchof maturity.

Not bad for a forty five year old, he thought. Not bad at all.He turned sideways and examined his profile, pleased to see there were no

giveaway bulges from his Tummy Trimmer Corset.Satisfied with his appearance, apart from the uniform that is, he strapped

on his laser pistol and strolled towards the door of his cabin. As heapproached, the doors swished open and he stopped to watch and listen, asmile on his face.

God how he loved the doors on this ship! The lovely smooth way theyswished open and that pleasant little hissing noise they made as theydisappeared into the cabin walls.

He stepped through the opening and turned to watch the door closing. Hetook a couple of steps backwards to get a better view and kicked over a mopbucket, sending a miniature tidal wave of dirty brown water surging down thecorridor.

You bloody prat! an elderly female voice screeched. Ive just mopped thatfriggin floor!

Captain Kork glanced round. Hilda the cleaning lady was glaring at him,flabby arms folded across and resting on her sagging bosom.

From head to foot, Hilda was the opposite of good dress sense : a faded,full length floral apron was her main outfit, from the bottom of which two barevaricosed lower legs poked out before they disappeared into black socks and

a pair of tattered trainers. A dirty blue beret covered most of her grey hair anda half-smoked cigarette dangled permanently from her lips.The Captain gave her the benefit of his lazy smile, complete with those

appealing crows feet at the corners of his eyes but Hilda remained unmovedand continued to glare at him.

He glanced at the rapidly moving muddy water which was still surging alongan already mopped, dried and gleaming corridor floor. Even King Canutecouldnt stop that, he remarked philosophically.

Bugger you an bugger yer mate! Hilda replied, the movement of her lipsdislodging half an inch of cigarette ash which fell into the torrent. Ill have tomop this pissin corridor again because of you.

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My apologies madam, Captain Kork said courteously, turning on the fullsmile and showing his perfect white teeth which, he always thought,contrasted nicely with the light tan on his face.

Hilda ignored his perfect white teeth as moments before she had ignoredhis appealing crows feet. While were here, she said, still without removing

the cigarette, is this your room?The Captain nodded.Well lets you an me get a few things straight my lad, she went on, jabbing

a podgy forefinger at him. I want it kept tidy so dont be expectin me to goround pickin up yer clothes. No women after midnight I dont allow that sortof thing on my ship. And no aliens, definitely no bloody aliens. Im pissed offcleanin up after them discarded skins lyin around an that slimy stuff all overthe place, so no aliens in the room. Got all that?

An amused twinkle in his blue eyes, the Captain nodded again.So long as we understand each other then, Hilda said, we wont have no

trouble. If we do, theres always this, she told him, brandishing the long mop

handle.Involuntarily, Captain Kork felt his buttocks tighten.Hilda took a final draw from her cigarette then tossed it into the mop bucket.

Right, on yer way, she ordered, jerking a thumb at him.Glad to get away, the Captain tiptoed through the inch of brown water on

the floor and continued on his way to the bridge.Its a damn shame the uniforms these cleaning ladies have to wear, he

thought as he strolled along the corridor to the lift. He sighed and shook hishead. If only Federation Command had given more serious consideration tomy portfolio.

PART TWO

In the heart of the Avalon System which lies some distance from our ownsmall Galaxy, the planet Dulkodaz and its people had meandered about theirdaily business for centuries with nothing unduly dramatic happening.

Until Kharg and Giraffe arrived.Within an hour, Kharg had deposed the ruler of the planet and had taken

over his palace. Giraffe informed the population that they needed to borrowtheir planet for a few days but that it would be returned unbroken so longas they gave no trouble.

After witnessing a display of Khargs powers the population wisely decidednot to cause any trouble and kept their distance.Before he had arrived on Dulkodaz, Kharg had positioned his empty decoy

ship in the Avalon System and had triggered its distress call, knowing thatCaptain Kork and the Orion would have no choice but to respond to it.

In the elderly Observatory on Dulkodaz, the elderly white hairedAstronomer looked up from his elderly star maps as the door opened andKharg drifted in.

Have those Federation fools picked up the distress call yet? he rasped.Yes, my Lord, replied the old Astronomer. They have already changed

course and are heading towards your decoy ship.

Show me.Certainly, my Lord. If my Lord would care to step over to the wall map.

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From floor to ceiling on the far wall and stretching all the way along it,Kharg had earlier set up a map of the Avalon System on thin black glass sohe could track the Orion.

Giraffe however had taken over the wall map, despite the old Astronomersprotests and was intent on playing Grand Theft Auto IV on it.until Kharg

flicked out a thin blue line from his index finger and zapped him on the back ofthe head.

Shit! yelled Giraffe, dropping his control pad and causing his car to crashthrough a shop window in downtown New York. He turned and saw Khargglaring at him. Oh sorry, Boss, he said. Just waiting till you arrived.Everythings set up.

Quickly he unhooked his games console and the wall map reappeared.Kharg drifted across the room to it and the old Astronomer picked up a pointerand shuffled after him.

Earth, said the old man, tapping a white circle on the map. Several inchesaway from it, representing a billion space miles, a flashing red triangle was

moving slowly along. The Federation ship Orion, he added, pointing to it. Atfirst they were heading away over here, he went on, tracing the Orionsoriginal route, but as soon as they picked up the distress call they changedcourse and are now coming to investigate it.

Good, rasped Kharg. Where is my decoy ship?The old Astronomer moved further along the wall and peered at the map.

Ah here it is, he said, indicating a flashing green triangle which wastravelling slower than the Orion.

Kharg glanced at an array of instrument panels and monitors in the cornerof the room. You are controlling the decoy ship from there? he asked.

Yes, my Lord.Kharg nodded and turned back to the map. Where will you cut its power?The old man peered at the wall again and stroked his long white beard. In

this area here, he replied, tapping a section in front of the decoy ship. NearDulkodaz.

When will the Orion reach it?At the most, one more day, my Lord.Kharg seemed satisfied with the answer. The next stage in his plan to

destroy Earth and rule the Universe was in place. You have done well, herasped. He reached into his robe, withdrew a glittering diamond and tossed itonto a table.

Giraffe grinned at the way the old mans eyes lit up when he saw it.For me!? the old Astronomer gushed, clasping his arthritic handstogether.

For you, confirmed Kharg. Inform me when my decoy ship is in its finalposition and the Orion is approaching. He turned and drifted towards thedoor. Come Giraffe, he rasped. We must prepare for the arrival of CaptainKork and Mr Sprock.

Oh good! said Giraffe. Noddy and Big Ears! I cant wait to see whatSprocks ears will be like this time!

PART THREE

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The nerve-centre of any ship travelling through space is its bridge. It is herethat all information from scanners and computers is received, monitored andacted on. It is here that all decisions regarding the route and speed of the shipare made. When danger threatens, it is here that action is taken, whether it isoffensive or defensive, with the uppermost thoughts in the Commanding

Officers mind being the safety of the crew and the ship.As Captain James T. Kork was making his way up in the lift he was

whistling softly to himself, confident that the Orion was in capable, competenthands and should any problems arise, they would be dealt with swiftly andprofessionally by his highly trained bridge personnel

Eyes down for a full house! yelled Ensign Cool.In front of him on the bridge, half a dozen of the Orions crew were

gathered in a semi-circle, pens poised over their bingo cards.Whats the big prize this week? someone asked.One of those new uniforms the Captain designed for us, Ensign Cool

replied.All the players groaned.Right, here we go with the first number! Ensign Cool announced as a

small numbered ball slid down the glass tube in front of him. Two fatspacemen 88!

The players bent over their cards and concentrated.Next number. Youhoors bra size, all the fours 44!The game continued

Alien bone necklaces! Alien bone bangles! Get all your alien bonejewellery here! shouted the tall, elegant Doctor Malloy, the Orions Surgeon,as he moved round the bridge.

He had a large tray slung in front of him which had various types of bonejewellery on display.

Bones! I need bones! I got to have bones or this ship aint goin nowhere!Mr Zulu yelled.

Mr Zulu, the Orions Navigator, was a large dark brown chap with a largedark brown voice. On the floor beside his console he had a complicatedpattern of bones laid out however he required some additional material beforehe could determine the next part of the ships course.

Doctor Malloy smiled at him and strolled over. Big bones, small bones, fat

bones, thin bones, he reeled off. What did you have in mind, Zulu?Lets see what you got in this tray here, Zulu said. He searched aroundand came up with a necklace made up of thin alien bones. He broke thenecklace and examined the bones. These are perfect, man. How much?

The Doctor pursed his lips. Two hundred UniCredits, he told him.Zulu nodded and fished out a credit card from a drawer in his station. This

okay? he asked.Sure, said Doctor Malloy, taking a note of the number. Ill put it through

as a navigational aid, hows that?Zulu grinned. Thats cool, bro, he replied and happily turned back to his

floor lay-out

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Skin the bastards alive! announced Lieutenant Victor Butch Bradley, theOrions Weapons Officer. Thats how Id deal with aliens or any other frigginlife-forms we meet.

The other crew members propping up the small bar nodded in agreement.Screw the old make friendly contact with the bastards routine, went on

the well-built Butch. Lets blow them apart. Then we can take what we wantwithout having to bargain with the mothers. What dyou say, Jocky?

Jocky, the Orions Chief Engineer, stared moodily into his drink. Yer toosoft, Bradley, he replied in his rolling Scottish accent. Whit aboot prisoners?

Butch visibly brightened. Prisoners? he said, grinning. Good idea, Jocky.We could bring a few back to torture.

At the end of the bar a young Ensign half-choked on his drink.Yeah, prisoners are good, Butch said with feeling, warming to his subject.

Remember once we brought back one of them aliens from Signus Five. Wenailed him to some metal girders and --

The young Ensign pushed his drink away and clutched his stomach.

-- cut a hole in him with a welding torch. Then we started to pull him insideout, bit by bit and --

The young Ensign collapsed at the end of the bar and lay on the floor,retching.

-- what the hells that noise? Butch asked, looking round.Its probably that poof ower there, Jocky answered, jerking his thumb at

Simon, the Orions exquisitely groomed Beautician.Butch glanced over at Simon with distaste. Commie faggot bastard, he

sneered. Tell you what Id like to do with him.On the floor at the end of the bar the young Ensign has passed out and

was mercifully spared Butchs detailed, graphic description

Oblivious to the insults being hurled in his direction, Simon was trying to getrid of a spot on Mr Crackers cheek by popping it between his nails.

Mr Crackers, a small balding man, was the Orions Helmsman. He screwedhis eyes shut, gritted his teeth and manfully let his spot be squeezed.

There, said Simon, popping it. All finished.Crackers whimpered a little and opened his eyes.Damn! Simon complained, examining his finger. Ive chipped a nail.

Some loud laughter from the bar caught his attention and he glanced over.My, isnt he a hunk! he muttered, gazing admiringly at Butch Bradley. Wish

hed ask me to squeeze something! He stared wistfully at Butch for a fewminutes then set about the arduous task of repairing his damaged nail

Ricky Kork, the Captains younger brother, lay sprawled on one of thebridge couches, dressed in t-shirt and faded Levis. On either side of him sat ablack stockingd, black bootd, mini-skirtd Ensign.

Ricky sucked in some more smoke from the fat cigarette he was holdingand nodded appreciatively. Good stuff, he drawled and passed it to one ofthe women.

She took a draw and exhaled slowly. Nice, she agreed. Whered you getthis?

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Ricky brushed his long brown hair away from his face and gazed out one ofthe observation windows, a dreamy smile on his face. Traded it for thatPendant the Captain used to wear, he replied.

The women giggled.You mean that Pendant hes obsessed with? The one he was presented

with on Vargas?Ricky nodded. The very one. He thinks its got something to do with the

Evil Force!The Evil Force! one of the women repeated mockingly and the couch

dissolved into a sniggering, giggling heap

So I went back to this film directors place after the party, LieutenantYouhoor drawled to the semi-circle of attentive women crew members. TheLieutenant was the Orions Communications Officer. She patted her curly, jetblack hair and crossed one silky brown thigh over the other, and after hefixes me a drink he says hes popping into the shower.

Her listeners leaned forward expectantly. The Lieutenants exploits back onEarth were legendary and her stories kept the other women entertained onthe long voyages.

So after hes had a shower he wanders back into the room, Youhoor wenton, the memory parting her sensuous lips in a fond smile, and all heswearing is --

Suddenly the bridge door swished open and an Ensign rushed in.Captains coming! he yelled, cutting short the Lieutenants tale. Captainscoming!

With practised ease, indicating that this was a regular occurrence, the crewcalmly swung into a well-organised routine to get the bridge back into shapebefore he arrived.

The bingo equipment was cleared away, the small bar was slid neatly intothe wall and some pleasant air freshener was sprayed around. All non-bridgepersonnel filed out a side door in an orderly manner, somebody dragging outthe Ensign who had earlier collapsed during Butchs reminiscences. Theremaining crew members returned to their stations and in under a minute thebridge had returned to normal.

PART FOUR

Unfortunately for Captain Kork and his crew, Kharg and Giraffe werent theonly ones who were interested in them. From the opposite end of the AvalonSystem a Klinger Mother Ship was deliberately heading towards them, havingtracked the Orion since it left Earth.

The Mother Ship was a massive vessel, four times the size of the Orion andit contained five hundred Klinger warriors under the command of one GeneralDraygo.

The Klingers were the arch-enemies of the Federation and Captain Korkhad crossed swords with them many times before and remained a permanentbarrier to their plans to dominate the Universe.

This time however the problem of Captain Kork and his crew was going to

be dealt with once and for all because General Draygo had been sent out withone purpose only to kill the Captain and destroy the Orion and thereby

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remove the main obstacle that stood between the Klingers and their universalempire.

General Draygos plan to kill Captain Kork had seemed simple enough onpaper when he worked it out. When the Mother Ship entered the AvalonSystem they picked up the distress call from Khargs decoy ship and had

tracked the Orion changing course to respond to the call. Being Klingers, theyhad totally ignored the distress call.

The Mother Ship was now deliberately heading towards the Orion, knowingfull well that they would eventually be picked up on their outer scanners andthe Orion would change course to avoid them.

The plan therefore was to release a small attack ship before the MotherShip was picked up by the Orions scanners. When the attack ship was inposition it would be invisible under its cloaking device and would not bepicked up by the Orions scanners and would then wait in ambush to blow itup as it passed.

On the bridge of the Mother Ship, General Draygo stood in front of his two

man attack squad who were ready to leave. So you understand the planthen? he asked the two warriors.

Yes sir! replied the Sergeant and the Private in unison.Get down to the attack ship then, ordered the General. And remember

this when you succeed in your mission you will become heroes of theKlinger empire.

The Sergeant and Private saluted proudly and left the bridge.General Draygo strolled over and looked out one of the observation

windows at the stars twinkling in blue-black space. Time to die, CaptainJames T. Kork! he muttered. He sat down in his command chair, drumminghis fingers impatiently on the arms as he waited for word from the Exit Bay.

A couple of minutes later his intercom buzzed and he flicked it on. Attackship ready to launch, sir, a voice told him.

Launch it! ordered the General then leaned back and watched the ExitBay observation screen.

Deep in the Mother Ship the huge steel doors of the Exit Bay slid open andthe small attack ship drifted out. It swung round onto its course then headedout into space.

Draygo watched it for a minute then swivelled round to the Navigator. Howsoon till its in position? he asked.

One hour, sir, the Navigator told him.

The General nodded. And how long till the Orion picks us up on theirscanners?Two hours, sir.An evil grin spread over Draygos ugly face. The attack ship would soon be

in position. The Mother Ship was heading towards the Orion. The Orion wouldpick them up on their scanners and change course to avoid them.and headstraight towards the attack ship waiting in ambush. Then.BOOM!! Therewould be a distant yellow flash as the Orion exploded in space.

Content with how his plan was progressing, the General settled backcomfortably to watch and wait.

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CHAPTER TWO

The most intelligent person Ive ever met in theentire Universe? Unquestionably its me. Theworst thing about being me? Unquestionably itsthe way my damned ears keep changing shapeevery month. Totally preposterous.

MR SPROCK

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PART ONE

Unaware of the plans for the Orions imminent destruction, Captain Korkstepped out of the lift and strolled along the short corridor to the bridge. Threequarters of the way along he slowed deliberately, an anticipatory smile playingabout the corners of his mouth.

God how he loved the bridge door! Unlike most of the others on the ship itdidnt slide open from side to side but parted in the middle, each halfdisappearing neatly into the opposing wall with a lovely hissing sound atexactly the same time.

After a final check that there were no give-away bulges from his TummyTrimmer Corset he stepped up to the door. It swished open when he wasabout a foot away from it and he glanced quickly from side to side so he couldsee the halves disappearing into the walls.

He took a couple of paces into the bridge and turned to watch them hissingout again and meeting in the centre with that delightful little click. Ah,wonderful! he thought, grinning to himself. Absolutely wonderful.

Resisting the impulse to step back out and re-enter so he could watch thedoor again he turned and surveyed the scene on the bridge. The crew werequietly and calmly going about their work and everything appeared undercontrol.

Satisfied, he strolled down to his chair and slipped into it. Status report, MrCrackers, he requested.

Were still on course to investigate that distress call, Captain, repliedCrackers.

The Captain nodded. Is it growing any stronger?The closer we get the stronger it gets, sir. Its definitely coming from a ship

near the centre of the Avalon System.Have we tried contacting it yet?Yes sir. Were sending out an automatic message every half hour but so

far theres been no response.How long till we reach it at our present speed?One day, sir.The Captain frowned. A day. It was highly unlikely they were going to find

anybody alive after all this time. Still they had to try.Theres something else, sir, said Crackers. The outer scanners picked up

a Klinger Mother Ship a few minutes ago heading straight towards us. Wechanged course to avoid it.

A Klinger Mother Ship? I wonder what theyre doing in this area?

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Before Crackers had a chance to reply the lights above the TransporterPlatform started flashing, indicating someone was being beamed aboard.Several of the crew suddenly remembered who it was and groaning inwardly,pretended an all-consuming interest in their work.

Captain Kork swivelled round. Whos arriving? he asked Lieutenant

Youhoor.Its uh, just a couple of the crew, she replied and quickly returned to her

scanners.The Captain turned back to the Platform. As the transporter beam grew

stronger the outline of two men began to take shape, the bright red of theiruniform jumpers becoming visible. Moments later they had beamed upcompletely and he recognised two of the Engine Room crew.

Hey everybody hamburgers! one of them yelled, stepping off thePlatform and starting to hand out boxes.

Unlike his friend, the second guy had seen the Captain. He shoved hisboxes down behind Butch Bradleys console then frantically tried to attract the

first guys attention, pulling at his jumper from the back.Double cheeseburger thats Lieutenant Youhoors, the first guy went on,

continuing to hand out boxes. Hey, stop pulling buddy, youll get yours, hesaid to someone yanking at his jumper, unaware of who it was. Doublequarter pounder with relish, what greedy bastard ordered look buddy, willyou quit pulling? he said angrily, turning round.

A thumb jerked in the direction of the Captain told him what all the pullinghad been about. He turned back and saw Captain Kork staring at him.

Oh shit! he muttered. He shifted about uncomfortably for a few momentsthen tentatively held out a box. Cheeseburger, sir? he asked.

The Captain shook his head and waved them away. He strolled over to oneof the bridge couches where Ricky was dubiously engrossed in a trainingmanual. Helpfully the Captain turned the book the correct way up as he satdown beside him.

Ricky, he said, putting a brotherly arm round his shoulder, I realise yourealong on this mission to learn and I dont want to dampen your enthusiasm butdont use the Transporter Platform to beam people down to hamburger joints.

Ricky grinned and nodded.Its junk food, his elder brother went on. Its not good for your body. All

those fats and carbohydrates. There are some great health food places dottedaround space. In future if youre beaming people down I expect to see them

coming back with yoghurts or nuts or fresh fruit. Understand?Okay Tadpole, Ricky drawled.Ssshhh! the Captain hissed, glancing round to see if anybody had heard.

Dont call me that.Why not? Ricky asked. Its your middle name.I know, I know but we dont use middle names on the ship.Ricky grinned. Especially when theyre really silly ones, eh Taddy?The Captain bit his lip then his hand reached up involuntarily to the front of

his jumper. You havent seen my Pendant by any chance, have you? heasked. That one I always wear?

The one thats got something to do with the Evil Force?

Captain Kork shifted uncomfortably. Yes, thats the one, he admitted.Evil Force! Ricky said mockingly and sniggered.

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The Captain leaned back in the couch and stared thoughtfully out one ofthe observation windows. When youve travelled the Universe as much as Ihave, he began, when youve made contact with other life-forms and seenhow some are good and some are evil, you get to thinking.

Ricky yawned and glanced round about the bridge.

Yes you get to thinking, the Captain went on, standing up and gazing outinto the blackness of space. You get to wondering what does it all mean,where did we all come from, who created us in the first place?

A female Ensign had caught Rickys eye. She smiled at him and after aquick look at his brother who was still staring off into space, Ricky slippedover to her.

And if something did create us, it can only be described as a Force, theinterstellar philosopher went on. A Good Force. And since everything in theUniverse has an opposite, there must be an opposite Force. An Evil Force.

Ricky and the Ensign were now strolling towards a side door, arm in arm.All round the bridge the crew had gradually stopped what they were doing and

were listening to the Captain.I believe there is an Evil Force, he continued, oblivious to the attention he

was receiving. Ive seen it. Felt it. Beaten it. But its still there in other parts ofthe Universe. Malignant. Waiting. I believe well come into contact with it againand we must be strong. We must face it. We must overcome it. And with thehelp of the Good Force, we will overcome it!

The bridge crew nodded to each other and gave the Captain a warm roundof applause. Startled, he looked round then realised theyd all been listeningto him. Slightly embarrassed he waved the applause away.

Resume stations everyone, he ordered and strolled back to his chair,grateful that the light tan on his face was concealing the light blushunderneath.

PART TWO

Swivelling impatiently in his chair in front of the observation screen,General Draygo waited for news from his attack ship. His red and blackleather outfit identified him immediately as a General but apart from that helooked like any other Klinger.

In fact one of the things Klingers were so angry about and whichcontributed to their aggressive natures was that they all looked pretty similar

and pretty ugly at that.Straight black hair grew on their large heads and fell from a centre partingto their shoulders. Beneath their heavily wrinkled foreheads large hairyeyebrows grew in an uninterrupted line, nearly obscuring their small piggyeyes. Various lumps and bumps adorned their cheeks and chins and it wasthe size and positioning of these which gave them their only facialindividuality.

However not only was your average Klinger pretty ugly, he was pretty thickas well, as General Draygo was about to be painfully reminded.

His plan to kill Captain Kork and wipe out the Orion had seemed simpleenough the Mother Ship would deliberately enter the Orions outer scanner

limits, knowing it would change course to avoid them and head straight into

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the path of the already positioned small attack ship, lying in wait invisibleunder its Cloak.

The General had waited patiently for the distant yellow flash on hisobservation screen which would indicate the destruction of the Orion and thesuccess of his mission but as time dragged on and the view of space

remained unchanged, he grew tired of waiting and broke communicationsilence to contact the two-man attack ship.

Is the Orion approaching yet? he asked them.On the attack ship, the puzzled Sergeant frowned at the Private sitting next

to him. The Orion?Yes the Orion, growled Draygo. Is it approaching?There was a lengthy pause. Is it approaching what? the Sergeant

eventually asked.Is it approaching you!? Draygo roared.The Sergeant sniggered. Not unless it turns back, he replied.It was Draygos turn to pause. What dyou mean, turns back? he asked,

puzzled.It passed us five minutes ago, the Sergeant told him, grinning confidently

at the Private.It passed you five minutes ago!? Why didnt you blow it up?Blow it up? Dont be daft, were the diversion.Were the frigging diversion, you prick!! roared Draygo, thumping his desk

in frustration. You mean you let them go past!?UhwellI suppose we did.The General paced around the bridge for a full minute, roaring and cursing

and taking his temper out on anything that got in his way. When he hadcalmed down a bit he spoke to the Sergeant again. Listen carefully, he saidthrough gritted teeth. Have you got your Cloak on?

Nope, I forgot, admitted the Sergeant.Well put it on, Draygo instructed. Go after the Orion. When you get close

enough, blow it up. Understand?Yes sir, said the Sergeant and flicked off the radio.He shook his head and left the small bridge, returning shortly afterwards,

carrying something.What have you got that for? asked the Private. Feeling cold?The Sergeant shook his head. Not really, he replied, but Draygo says

that Ive to put my cloak on and weve to go after the Orion.

PART THREE

With the bridge crew settled down and concentrating on their work afterCaptain Korks recent well-received monologue, the Orion continued on itscourse to respond to the distress call from the unknown ship. Something elsehowever was about to distract their attention.

As he glanced round the bridge, the Captain noticed that someone wasmissing. Just as he was about to enquire after his whereabouts, a cigar-chewing Butch Bradley wandered over, goosing Crackers as he passed.

Acting First Officer Bradley reporting, he announced casually then leaned

down and put an arm round the Captains shoulder. Queer Ears is sulking inhis cabin again, he told him. Scared we all laugh at him. Haw haw haw!

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The Captain wiped away small cigar shreds from the side of his head. Itake it you are referring to First Officer Sprock? he asked.

You got it, agreed Butch. Queer ears.Return to your station, Mr Bradley. Ill contact Mr Sprock and find out what

the problem is, the Captain said.

Butch strolled off, both hands up at his ears and flapping about, causingsome poorly suppressed sniggering amongst the crew.

Catching the laughter the Captain sighed and wearily rubbed a hand acrosshis brow. Mr Sprock, his First Officer, was a damned fine man to have as hissecond in command. The only problem with him was that he was a Bulcan.Although Bulcans were reasonably similar to Earthlings they did have onestriking difference, or rather two their ears.

Bulcans had strange ears. Very strange. They changed shape once ortwice a month but nobody knew what form the new ones were likely to take,not even the owner. Sometimes they were large and pointed, sometimes theywere shaped like cabbages, sometimes they stuck out at floppy right angles

like a dogs.Unfortunately for Mr Sprock the new ears were invariably ridiculous and he

took understandable offence at people laughing at him especially as he was ahighly intelligent, dignified man and First Officer of the Orion, a position whichshould have commanded respect not hilarity.

Captain Kork sighed again then leaned forward and pressed a button on hisdesk intercom, buzzing Sprocks cabin.

Yes Captain? the familiar, slightly nasal voice answered immediately.Not joining us on the bridge, Mr Sprock?Sprock hesitated. I have a bit of a headache, Captain.More like earache, muttered Butch Bradley, causing more subdued

sniggering.Come come, Mr Sprock, the Captain chided. I need you on the bridge.Sprock sighed. To be honest, Jim, he said, my ears have changed again.

I fear some of the more vulgar members of the crew might find them amusingand laugh at me.

This caused more muted giggling around the bridge.I can understand your predicament and believe me I sympathise, said the

Captain, but I really do need you up here. He leaned closer to his intercomand tried to whisper into it. How bad are your ears anyway?

Very bad, Jim. The worst theyve been in a long time.

An uncontrollable snigger escaped from someone. The Captain glancedround quickly but everyone appeared engrossed in their work.Ill tell you what, Mr Sprock, he went on, turning back to his intercom, Ill

give the crew a good talking to before you come up. Hows that?It wont work, Captain. As soon as they see these theyll disintegrate.Christ, get him up, get him up! Butch hissed.Mr Sprock, the Captain said more firmly. I can assure you as

Commander of this ship that if I issue the crew with a direct order and they failin their duties then the consequences for them would be extremely serious.They know that so if I say they wont laugh, they wont laugh.

Sprock considered this. All right Captain, he eventually agreed. I take

your word. Im on my way.

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A buzz of excitement and expectation ran round the crew as Captain Korkflicked off the intercom. He swivelled round in his chair, stood up and facedthem.

No doubt most of you heard that conversation, he announced. It seemsmy First Officer, Mr Sprock, has gone through another ear change. Now you

are all aware of how sensitive he can be about this so Ive assured him thatthere will be no laughing or derogatory remarks made. If anybody causes himany embarrassment or says anything stupid it will be treated as an act ofdirect insubordination and you all know how harshly Federation Commanddeals with that. Do I make myself clear?

The crew nodded respectfully.Then carry on with your normal duties, the Captain ordered. And dont let

me hear one word out of place when Mr Sprock arrives. He turned andresumed his seat.

PART FOUR

Zipping across space in their small attack ship, the fierce but dim Klingerwarriors eventually caught up with their prey. Maintaining their traditions ofstupidity the Sergeant was wearing his cloak instead of activating their Cloakbut it didnt really matter the bridge crew aboard the Orion were onlypretending to work as they awaited Mr Sprocks arrival so no-one noticed thescanner sweeps which showed the small yellow dot approaching from therear.

There they are, said the Sergeant as they picked up the Orion on theirobservation screen.

So it is, agreed the Private. The Orion. Should we signal them?The Sergeant laughed derisively and slapped him across his forehead.

Dont be thick. Were going to blow them up.The Private frowned. Blow them up? I thought they were the diversion?Naaa, said the Sergeant. Draygos the diversion.Oh is he? muttered the Private, his frown deepening as he tried to work

out the complexities of modern warfare.Right, line them up, ordered the Sergeant.The Private gave up trying to fathom out the depths of their battle tactics

and busied himself with the controls and brought them in not far behind theOrion. Enemy ship lined up, he said.

The Sergeant grunted and leaned forward to his console. He flicked someswitches and waited till the flashing red light became steady, indicating thatthe ships lasers were ready for firing. Weapons ready! he announced,grinning and rubbing his hands together.

Oh go on, let me! pleaded the Private. I like the firing bit.All right, the Sergeant agreed and leaned back in his seat. Fire!Thanks Sarge, said the Private. Youre a sport.He flexed his thick fingers then stretched across to the Sergeants console

and jabbed the green button. The two of them sat back and watched theobservation screen expectantly, waiting for the Orion to erupt in a brightyellow ball but all they heard was the sound of the toilet flushing in the rear of

the ship.

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The Sergeant turned and slapped the Private across the head again. Twat!You pressed the wrong button! he yelled. Youve flushed the toilet! Line thedamn thing up again!

PART FIVE

Unaware of how close theyd come to being flushed all over space, tensioncontinued to mount amongst the bridge crew as Mr Sprocks arrival grewnear.

As the Captain was staring at the forward observation screen, deep inthought, Butch Bradley took the opportunity to add to the suppressedexcitement by parading up and down with two large paper plates held againstthe side of his head, causing an outbreak of muted sniggering amongst thecrew. One of the Ensigns lost control completely and hand clapped over hismouth, he had to leave before the main event began.

A couple of minutes later the bridge door swished open and breaths were

held collectively as Mr Sprock took a hesitant step in.As he had stated earlier, his ears were bad. Very bad. They were the same

shape, texture and colour as an adult pigs and they stuck out at right anglesto his head, pink and hairy.

A strangled, tortured gurgle escaped from Lieutenant Youhoor and had himquickly turning in her direction, eyebrows raised, ears twitching but with amagnificent effort she managed to turn the gurgle into a cough and noddedpleasantly at him.

He glanced in the opposite direction but the crew all had their heads downmainly because after having had the briefest of looks at him they realised itwas either pretend they were working or surrender to bladder-emptyingconvulsions.

Satisfied for the time being that there was no collective outburst of laughterbut aware that it could still happen, Sprock made his way tentatively acrossthe bridge, pausing here and there to investigate and eliminate any suspicioussounds that remotely resembled sniggering.

In his wake he left a devastated crew : Lieutenant Youhoor, in hercontinuing fight not to laugh, was biting hard on her lower lip and had her legstightly crossed; Butch Bradley was silently thumping his fist against the softrubber surround of his console; Ensign Cool had fallen off his chair and laybehind a desk, his legs kicking in the air and a couple of the women were

huddled next to each other, their slim shoulders shaking in fits of silentgiggling.The entire bridge had become a tinderbox of suppressed laughter and one

carelessly tossed aside remark was liable to set it alight.Ignoring the large, hairy, pink ears, the Captain rose from his seat and

smiled warmly at Sprock as he approached. You see, he said proudly, hishand sweeping round the bridge, nothing to worry about. Not even a titter.

At the mention of the word titter, Mr Zulu nearly lost control and foughtdesperately to stifle a snigger. Quickly he ducked under his console andpretended to search through his bone box. Sprock watched him closely, aneyebrow arched in suspicion.

Relax, the Captain told him. Its nothing. Mr Zulus just sorting through hisbones.

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Dem bones, dem bones, dem ear bones! Butch Bradley hissed andLieutenant Youhoor nearly bit through her lip.

Sprock twitched his ears and nodded. A full two minutes had elapsed sincehis entrance and no-one had laughed and no derogatory remarks had beenhurled at him. Obviously he had underestimated the Captains authority over

the crew.I was unwise to doubt your word, Jim, he said apologetically.Captain Kork smiled at him. Think nothing of it, he replied.After a final glance round Mr Sprock relaxed completely. Putting all his

premonitions aside he began to concentrate on his work. He studied theobservation screen for a few moments then turned to the Captain.

From the constellations on display I see we are in the Avalon System, heremarked. What is our purpose here?

Oh were responding to a distress call from your ears, the Captain replied.As one, the crew disintegrated. Laughter which had so far been denied

release suddenly sensed freedom and escaped from every possible orifice in

a gigantic, sniggering, giggling, hee-hawing, boisterous roar that threatened tolift the ceiling off the bridge.

Lieutenant Youhoor fell off her seat and joined Ensign Cool on the floorwho was now doubled up in uncontrollable spasms. Mr Zulu had put his bonebox over his head and was shrieking wildly.

Crackers was reeling about on top of his desk, his elbows bumping hisinstruments, sending them zigzagging through space. This was exceptionallyfortunate because the Klinger attack ship had just fired on them and theOrions unexpected course change caused them to miss.

Butch Bradley had his eyes screwed shut and was thumping his consolewith both fists. Without realising what he was doing his left hand banged downon the Fire button and he released a rear heat-seeking missile which scoreda direct hit on the Klingers.

The attack ship disintegrated in a ball of yellow flame but its destructionwent completely unnoticed by everyone on the Orion.

Realising what hed said, Captain Korks head sank into his hands as MrSprock ear flapped and squeaked his way from the bridge.

When the door swished shut the Captain glanced up. He looked round atthe roaring, screaming, thigh-slapping, giggling mass that was the bridge crewthen slowly his shoulders began to shake.

Laughter welled up in him and he tried to hold it back but it burst out and he

sprawled back in his chair slapping the arms, tears running down his face, hisstomach heaving so much that it threatened to split his Tummy TrimmerCorset.

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CHAPTER THREE

When youve travelled in Space as much as I haveyou get to realise one thing about the Universe its a pretty untidy place. I mean, all those planetsand stars and galaxies just scattered around atrandom. I think the Good Force should have tidiedSpace up a bit after He created it.or is this justthe beta version?

CAPTAIN KORK

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PART ONE

In the heart of the Avalon System, dawn was breaking on the planetDulcodaz. Its twin suns lazily nudged each other, rubbed the sleep from theireyes and slowly began to climb up the sky, slowly sending glowing yellowfingers of warmth and light across the land.

In the stillness of the morning the door of the Observatory creaked openand an elderly robed figure came out. It was the same white haired old

Astronomer who had earlier been controlling Khargs decoy ship for him andplotting the course of the Orion and he hurried along the path to the palace asfast as his protesting joints permitted.

Kharg and Giraffe had arrived on Dulcodaz one week ago and within anhour of his arrival Kharg had deposed the planets ruler and had taken overhis palace for his own purposes.which just happened to be the next stage inhis plans to rule the Universe.

My Lord Kharg will be pleased with the news, the elderly Astronomermuttered to himself, rubbing his hands together. He will reward me well.Damn! First I have to get past that absolute pig of a Guard.

He stopped and stroked his flowing white beard as he considered a wayround the problem. I know! he said, his face brightening. Ill tell him I need apart for one of the scanners. Yes that should do it. He doesnt know what ascanner is anyway, the drunken swine.

Pleased with his plan the old man hurried along the path, gathering his robetightly about him in the chill morning air. He stopped before the heavy outerdoor of the palace and knocked on it.

Come on, come on you stupid pig! he muttered, shivering in the cold.A metal panel in the door slid open and a face appeared - an ugly, greasy

face.Immediately the old Astronomers demeanour changed. Ah good morning,

sir! he gushed, smiling and bowing. What a simply marvellous day itpromises--Fuck off, grunted the Guard and slid the panel shut.Undeterred, the old Astronomer knocked on the door again. Sir! Oh sir!

Your Excellency!The panel slid open again.Sorry to be such a nuisance, the old Astronomer said apologetically, but I

have to come inside. I need a part for one of the scanners.Come back later, the Guard grunted.No no. I need it just now. Right away.The panel slid shut and the old man heard the sounds of bolts being drawn

back. He smiled to himself and did a little victory dance then as the doorbegan to open he reverted to his humble, fawning pose.

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Ah, thank you, thank you. A thousand tha-- he began then stopped whenhe saw the laser pistol in the Guards grubby hand. The Guard grinned at him,showing his rotten brown teeth. Think Im daft? he said. Youve got amessage for Kharg, havent you?

A message for Kharg? Me? the old Astronomer repeated in astonishment,

raising his hands to the heavens. Dont be foolish. What message could--The Guard pointed the laser pistol at him.Khargs decoy ship is in its final position, the old Astronomer blurted

quickly, his eyes never leaving the pistol. The Orion is now approaching it.The Guard grinned again and squeezed the trigger. A beam shot out, there

was a strangled scream from the old Astronomer and he dropped to the path.Prat, the Guard sneered and slammed the heavy door shut. A message

for Kharg, eh? he muttered to himself. There could be some gold in this forme.

He ran his grubby hands through his greasy hair, brushed at some foodstains on his filthy uniform and scraped some mud off his boots.

How do I look? he asked a prisoner who was chained to the wall.Immaculate, replied the prisoner.The Guard grinned, picked up a bucket and threw the stinking, putrid

contents over him.Mmmhh! muttered the prisoner appreciatively, licking the revolting mess

as it dripped from his hair. Breakfasts early today.The Guard put his helmet on and strolled up a short corridor to the young

Captains room. After a final attempt to tidy himself up he knocked on the doorand entered.

Morning sir, he said, saluting and knocking his helmet off.The impeccably groomed young Captain was sitting at a table,

breakfasting. He put down his silver cutlery and watched contemptuously asthe Guard fumbled with his helmet and tried to get it back on.

You disgusting toadball, he sneered. You slime coated slug.Yes sir. Thank you, sir, the Guard said. Sorry to disturb your breakfast,

sir. Just on my way to see the Major, he explained, edging towards the fardoor.

The Captain pulled at a wall sash then rose and strolled over to block theGuards way. Why do you wish to see the Major, you walking pile of skunkdroppings? he asked.

The Guard scratched at the stubble on his chin and frowned then he

suddenly remembered. Oh yes, theres a fleet of Klinger ships approaching.The Captain shook his head in disgust. You lying rat, he sneered. Youhave a message for Kharg, dont you?

The Guard bit his lip. Well, sort of.What is it?Id rather take it myself, sir.In response to the Captains earlier sash pull, a servant had appeared

carrying a narrow wooden box. He opened it, revealing two silver laser pistolslying on a velvet lining.

Thank you, Willis, the Captain said, selecting one.Seeing what was happening, the Guard started to sweat and began edging

back to the door. Khargs decoy ship is in its final position, he babbled then

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lost his nerve completely and turned and bolted. The Orion is nowapproaching it! he yelled from the corridor on the run.

The Captain took casual aim and fired. The Guards running stopped andthere was a choked cry followed by the sound of a body thudding to theground.

Toad, muttered the Captain and handed over the pistol.Willis replaced it in the box, bowed respectfully and withdrew.A message for Kharg, eh? the young Captain said to himself as he

preened himself in front of a mirror. The old boy will be delighted with thenews. I fancy there could be a spot of promotion in this for me.

He smiled at his handsome reflection then strolled over to the far door. Helistened carefully for a few moments then opened it very gently. He peered inbut the room was empty so he quickly darted in and took cover behind a largedesk.

What is it, Captain? the Major called brusquely from an adjoining room.I have to see Kharg rather urgently, the Captain replied, remaining under

cover.Why?Theres been an outbreak of leprosy on Dulcodaz.Damned bad show. Whats the real reason?The Captain hesitated. You wont shoot me if I tell you?Dont be ridiculous, scoffed the Major.Still the Captain hesitated. Promise?Yes of course, snapped the Major. Good God man what dyou want me

to do pull out my liver and let you keep it as a hostage?The Captain peered cautiously over the top of the desk. The silver haired

Major was standing in the open doorway of his adjoining room. He waswearing a smoking jacket and in one hand he held a cigar and in the other areport hed been reading. Relieved that a laser pistol wasnt being pointed athim, the Captain smiled and stood up.

Good show, said the Major. Now whats this damned message?Khargs decoy ship is in its final position, the Captain told him. The Orion

is now approaching it.Excellent, said the Major.Suddenly a third hand holding a laser pistol appeared from under his

smoking jacket. A beam shot out and zapped the Captain who screamed andfell.

Fool, said the Major, taking off his smoking jacket which had a paddedfalse arm with a report held in the realistic hand. He brushed at his uniformand ran a finger along his neatly clipped moustache. A message for Kharg,what? he muttered. Jolly good. Should be something interesting in this forme.

He walked through to the desk in his adjoining room, stubbed out his cigarand pressed an intercom.

Yes? responded Khargs rasping voice.Forgive the intrusion, your Majesty, said the Major, bowing several times

to the intercom, but I have an important message for you.Come through, rasped Kharg.

A recessed arched door slid up and the Major walked through to Khargsquarters. It was a large room with a lot of complicated electronic and

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communications equipment set up in it, with banks of monitors and screenstaking up half of one wall.

Kharg turned from a console hed been working at. He was still wearing hishigh-collared, long velvet robe and the bright lights in the room seemed todiffuse though his face, giving it a strange, translucent quality.

Sitting next to him on a high stool and also still wearing his top hat and tailswas Giraffe. He had been playing Grand Theft Auto IV however on seeing theMajor coming in he paused the game and gave him his full attention, knowinghe could be relied on to provide some entertainment.

What is the message you have for me? Kharg asked in his slow, raspingvoice.

The Major bowed deeply before him. Your serene Majesty, he intoned.Kharg sighed and waited. Giraffe grinned.Your most noble and revered Highness, the Major went on, without

whose presence our lives would be in perpetual darkness. He dropped to oneknee and held out his arms in worship. Without whose guiding light we would

be as worms crawling blindly in the mud.Giraffe applauded.Before you I am prostrate, continued the Major and tried to get down on

both knees to illustrate the point but discovered he was too stiff and settled forbowing his head. I am not worthy to be in your presence. I should not bebreathing the--

The message! rasped Kharg impatiently.Startled, the Major looked up. The what? Oh yes, the message, he said,

disappointed that his speech had been cut short now that he was in full flow.The message.now let me see, what was it?

Why do I tolerate these damned fools? Kharg muttered, shaking his head.Its, ah. the Major began, frowning and trying to remember. Oh yes

its.no, its not that. Hang on just a minute, itll come back to me Im sure itwill.

Watching from his stool, Giraffe sniggered at the Majors discomfort andKhargs impatience.

Wait! I have it! announced the Major, getting to his feet. The Orions in itsfinal position and your decoy ship is now approaching it. He frowned. No,that doesnt sound right.your decoy ships in its final position and the Orionis now approaching it. Yes thats it.

Khargs oval, yellow eyes glittered. So the Orion draws near and my decoy

ship awaits it. Excellent news! he rasped. They will be too stupid to resist thebait. The slit in his lower face opened slightly, revealing thin, pointed teeth ashe smiled. Soon we shall meet again Captain James T. Kork and I shall takewhat I need from you and your Bulcan friend before I kill both of you.

He drifted over to the centre of the room where there was a pyramid ofglowing, brightly coloured cubes. At the top of the pyramid was an intricatelypatterned ivory casket.

A misty blue light floated round it and Kharg snapped his fingers and themist vanished. Carefully he picked up the casket and opened it. Neatlyarranged inside and seeming to glow from within were the Krystals.

The Krystals of Kharg! he murmured, lovingly stroking them. They will

guide me to the Dark Power and when I possess it I shall destroy Earth andthen the Universe will be mine to rule as I please.

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He returned the casket to the top of the pyramid then flicked a long bonyfinger at it. Immediately the misty protective light surrounded it again.

Behind him the Major coughed discreetly. So glad to have been ofassistance, your Highness, he said. If the news I have brought has pleasedyou even in the smallest way I am well rewarded.

Kharg looked at him and shook his head. He reached into his robe, broughtout a glittering diamond and tossed it to him.

The Major caught it expertly. For me? he asked, affecting great surprise.My most humble and sincere thanks, your Divineness.

On his stool, Giraffe applauded. Ten out of ten for grovelling! he declared.Out! commanded Kharg, tiring of the Major.He began backing off, bowing and scraping as he went. Its an honour to

serve you, my Lord. It fills my heart with joy to--As soon as he had cleared the room Kharg flicked a button and the arched

door slid down, mercifully cutting the Major off.On the other side of the doorway the Major dropped all pretence of

grovelling and quickly drew out an eyepiece from his pocket and examinedthe diamond. A beauty! he muttered appreciatively. Nearly flawless. Hepocketed the eyepiece and held the diamond up. It glittered and sparkled inthe light and he grinned as he gazed at it. Itll be leg over time with that youngblonde chamber-maid after she sees this, I reckon!

PART TWO

Not far from Dulcodaz a ship drifted along aimlessly in the black wastes ofspace. It was Khargs decoy ship and it was still beaming out its distress call.There was no crew on board and it was being moved along slowly by thegravity pull of Dulcodaz, its own Drive lifeless. It was still too far away toappear on the Orions forward observation screen but it now showed updistinctly on one of Lieutenant Youhoors monitors.

Scanner reports indicate the ship beaming out the distress call, sheannounced.

Captain Kork swivelled round in his chair. Distance? he asked.One hundred space miles, Youhoor replied.The Captain nodded. Put it on screen, Crackers, he instructed. Maximum

view.Crackers pushed his telescopic lever all the way across and the view on the

forward observation screen jumped closer. Khargs decoy ship came onscreen but it was still too distant for a detailed visual inspection.The Orion was gaining on it all the time however and the bridge crew were

studying it intently they had come a long way across space to investigate,diverting from their original route and naturally they were all curious.

Mr Sprock was back amongst them. His ears had changed again but thistime they were normal sized and slightly pointy and hardly warranted asecond glance.

Run a thermal scan on the inside of the ship, the Captain orderedYouhoor then turned to Crackers. Can we identify it yet? he asked.

Mr Crackers had already anticipated his request. Its a small warship with

significantly less capacity than the Orion, he replied, reading the informationon his monitor.

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At the mention of the word warship the Captain initiated standard safetyprecautions. Arm Lasers, he ordered Butch Bradley. Raise Shields.

Thermal scan negative, Lieutenant Youhoor announced.The Captain glanced at his First Officer. That means theres no crew on

board, he said.

Or no crew alive, replied Sprock.Theres something else, Captain, Youhoor said. Heat generation from the

ship is extremely low.Which means the Drive is inoperative, said Sprock. No crew or a dead

crew on a ship drifting along and beaming out a distress call. Very strange,Jim.

By now they had neared sufficiently to get a closer look but it didnt helpthem any. The small warship was just drifting along in space showing no signsof life.

Return the screen to normal, the Captain ordered Crackers. See if theresa response to a direct communication, he said to Youhoor.

She turned back to her console and flicked open her ship-to ship line.Warship off our starboard bow, this is the Federation ship Orion. We arepicking up your distress call. Respond please.

They waited but there was no reply.Warship this is the Federation ship Orion. Respond please.They waited again but there was still no reply.Forget it, Lieutenant, the Captain said. It just confirms the thermal scan.

Theres no-one alive on board. He studied the screen for a few momentsthen turned to his First Officer. Impression, Mr Sprock? he asked.

Sprock stared thoughtfully at the screen. The ship doesnt appeardamaged so that rules out the probability of attack, he said. Which leavestwo possibilities either the crew died for some reason after activating thedistress call or there was never a crew on board in the first place.

The Captain glanced at him. You mean the ships deliberately been leftthere empty?

Sprock nodded. Possibly as a decoy.Lets blow it out the friggin sky! suggested Butch.The Captain sighed and turned to him. Not just at the moment, Mr

Bradley, he said, but Ill keep your suggestion in mind. He swivelled back tothe screen and stared at the drifting warship. So somebody has gone to thetrouble of bringing us across space to an empty ship, he mused, stroking his

jaw. Why?Perhaps whoever is behind it wants to take us to Dulcodaz for somereason, Sprock suggested. Since its the nearest planet.

That seems fairly logical, Mr Sprock, the Captain said, smiling at him. Dowe know anybody there?

Not to my knowledge, Jim.Computer information on the planet Dulcodaz, the Captain ordered

Crackers.Mr Crackers typed in the request on his console and moments later the

observation screen changed to a view of Dulcodaz.The planet Dulcodaz lies at the heart of the Avalon System, ran the

commentary. It was subject to a study by the Federation during Stardates75.1 to 75.3. Conclusions : Earth-like in structure, vegetation and

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temperature. No particular mineral or organic wealth. Populated by humantypes of average intelligence. Lack of obvious financial incentive rules out anyfurther interest by the Federation.

After several different close-ups of Dulcodaz the screen reverted to itsnormal view.

Not the most inspiring of planets, the Captain remarked.My thoughts exactly, agreed Sprock. I can understand why the

Federation werent interested.Well somebody appears interested in us, said the Captain.Sprock nodded then glanced at the warship which was back in view. Your

intentions, Captain? he asked.Captain Kork stood up. To beam aboard and investigate, he replied.Sprock arched an eyebrow. Is that wise, Jim? It could be a trap.The Captain smiled at him. We Earthlings differ in several ways from you

Bulcans, he said. My reason for beaming across to the warshipdemonstrates one of them curiosity!

In that case, Captain, may I accompany you?Of course. Id appreciate it if you would. Mr Crackers lock us on to the

same course and speed as the warship. Lieutenant Youhoor stand by tobeam us across. Mr Bradley take charge till I return.and dont blowanything up.

Butch grinned and snapped out a salute with the wrong hand.The Captain and Mr Sprock slipped on their Transporter Bracelets and

strolled over to the Platform. When they were ready Youhoor punched insome co-ordinates on her computer and flicked some switches. Instantly theCaptain and Mr Sprock were outlined in a shimmering white light which thenpenetrated their entire bodies. They seemed to fragment into tiny pieces thenthey vanished.

Butch Bradley leapt to his feet as soon as theyd gone. Its party time! heyelled. Get the bar opened!

PART THREE

On a monitor inside his room at the palace, Kharg watched the Captain andMr Sprock as they explored the empty bridge of his warship. His yellow eyesglittered and the slit in his lower face opened in its usual facsimile of a smile.

Soon we shall meet, Captain Kork! he hissed triumphantly as he looked at

the screen. And I will have my revenge for the past.With malicious satisfaction he watched their fruitless efforts to try todiscover why the ship was empty then he turned to a console and jabbed abutton.

The Captain and Mr Sprock were thrown to the floor of the bridge as thewarship shuddered to life and suddenly increased speed. They scrambled totheir feet and the Captain pulled out his Transceiver.

Captain to the Orion, he said into it.Yes sir? Youhoor replied above the loud party music.The Captain frowned. Whats all that noise, Lieutenant? he asked.Jockys doing some repairs in the bridge, Youhoor lied smoothly.

A trusting Captain believed her. The warships started moving under itsown Drive, he informed her. Beam us back.

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Roger Captain - standby, Youhoor replied. She swivelled round in herseat and yelled to the partiers. Captains coming back! Clear the Platform!

Reluctantly, the dancers who had been boogying away on the TransporterPlatform stepped off and someone killed the music. The rest of the crewmoved smoothly into their practised regime and within a minute the bridge

was back to normal.On the warship the Captain and Mr Sprock waited to be beamed back but

nothing seemed to be happening.Impatiently the Captain flicked open his Transceiver again. Captain to the

Orion. Whats the delay, Lieutenant?On the bridge a puzzled Youhoor was staring at the empty Transporter

Platform. No delay, Captain, she replied. I beamed you back but nothinghappened. Is everything all right at your end?

The Captain glanced at Mr Sprock. Any ideas? he asked.Its probably been caused by somebody operating a Trans-Gyrational Anti-

Warp Booster, replied Sprock. Its very simple really. Its only a matter of

estimating the number of atoms available in each body andSprock! the Captain cut in. Ive got the message. Does that mean were

trapped here?Affirmative Jim.And heading towards Dulcodaz?Looks like it.The Captain held up his Transceiver. Did you get all that, Youhoor?Yes sir, she replied crisply. We cant beam you back. What are your

orders?Well go on ahead at Warped Speed and bomb the shit out of Dulcodaz in

retaliation! Butch suggested eagerly.Captain Kork sighed wearily. Youll do no such thing, Mr Bradley, he

ordered. You will carry out my instructions to the letter keep the Orion onespace mile behind us and increase speed only if we do. Understand?

Understood, Butch replied disappointedly. Friggin liberal, he muttered tohimself.

The Captain flicked off his Transceiver and turned to his First Officer.Somebody seems determined to get us to Dulcodaz, he remarked. I wonderwhy?

Kharg, who had been watching events on a monitor, pointed a bony fingertowards the ivory casket sitting on top of the pyramid cube. Because of the

Krystals! he rasped in reply. As you will soon discover, Captain James T.Kork!

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CHAPTER FOUR

Its a dead loss torturing some aliens. Soon asyou turn on the current they dissolve into a bigblob of jelly and slide all over the floor. Makesone helluva mess of your boots. Klingers arejust the pits. Theyre a real waste of time. Nobrain no pain, no pain no fun!

BUTCH BRADLEY

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PART ONE

CAPTAINS LOG : STARDATE 502.41First Officer Sprock and I remain trapped aboard the empty warship as ittravelled towards Dulcodaz. During the journey the ship seemed to becontrolled by an external power and nothing we did could alter the bridgecontrols. We remained in contact with the Orion and following my orders theyremained one space mile behind us. After travelling for an hour the warshipbegan to accelerate and Mr Zulu informed us that we were approachingDulcodaz.

SUPPLEMENTALWe have now entered the planets atmosphere as has the Orion but thewarship doesnt seem to be docking and is slowly orbiting Dulcodaz. Despiterepeated communication attempts both from ourselves and the Orion no replyhas yet been received from whoever brought us here.

PART TWO

Remaining just outside scanner range, the Klinger Mother Ship hadstealthily followed the Orion and the warship across space as they headedtowards Dulcodaz. Having been thwarted in his earlier attack plan, GeneralDraygo decided the time was ripe to implement his next one beamingacross a couple of his warriors to the Orion on a suicide mission to kill CaptainKork. Unfortunately for him he wasnt aware that the Captain was still trappedaboard the circling warship.

He rose from his chair on the bridge and summoned his First Officer. Is thesuicide squad ready? he asked.

Yes sir, the First Officer replied. Theyre over by the TransporterPlatform.

Draygo nodded and strode across to where his two black leather cladwarriors were waiting. Dennis was the tall skinny one and Otto the short

stocky one.This is very brave of you men, the General said gruffly to them. You are acredit to your race and your sacrifice will always be remembered. Good luck.

Dennis and Otto grinned and stepped on to the Platform.Thanks sir, said Dennis, brushing his long black hair away from his face.

See you when we get back.Draygo saluted and turned away. Just as he was about to give the order to

activate the Transporter something suddenly occurred to him and he turnedback to them. What did you just say? he asked, his forehead frowning intothick lines.

Dennis grinned. See you when we get back, sir, he repeated.

What dyou mean when you get back?When we get back from the mission, sir.

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Draygo paused. But youre not meant to come back.Dennis thick eyebrows rose. Not meant to come back, sir? What about the

presents?What frigging presents!? Draygo barked.The presents from the seaside.

The seaside!? What the hells the seaside got to do with the mission!?Were the seaside squad, Dennis told him proudly and Otto nodded his

large head several times in agreement. We heard you wanted a seasidesquad so we volunteered.

Its not a seaside squad its a suicide squad, you prick! roared Draygo.Youre beaming aboard the Orion to kill Captain Kork.

Dennis and Otto glanced at each other.That sounds pretty dangerous, sir, said Dennis.It is, agreed Draygo. Youll probably get killed. Thats why its called a

suicide squad.Dennis and Otto had a low muttering conversation.

If its all the same to you, sir, Dennis said eventually, wed rather go tothe seaside.

Yeah seaside! grunted Otto, showing Draygo his bucket and spade. Nicesand, nice sea. Build sandcastle. Eat ice cream. Ha ha ha!

Shut up you thick bastard! roared Draygo.Ottos face fell and his chin trembled. Sorry sir, he mumbled and hid his

head behind Dennis back.Youre not going to the seaside, youre going to kill Kork! Draygo barked

at them.Aw, do we have to? asked Dennis.The General lost his patience with them. He drew his laser pistol and

waved it under their noses.Dennis sprang to attention and dragged Otto out from behind him. Its an

honour, sir, he said proudly. Were on our way.Draygo prodded each of them with the laser. If you come back, he said

coldly, youre going down the rubbish chute. Understand?Dennis and Otto nodded.Draygo stepped back from the Platform and waved to his First Officer.

Beam them across, he ordered.Instantly, Dennis and Otto were outlined in a flashing blue light then they

shimmered and vanished.

PART THREE

On the warship, Captain Kork and Mr Sprock were also having problems.Since there was still no response from whoever had brought them inside theatmosphere of Dulcodaz, they had been trying to contact the Orion only tofind there was no response from them either.

The Captain frowned and closed his Transceiver. Its no good, he said. Itlooks as though our communication lines have been--

Captain! interrupted Sprock. The screen!The Captain glanced up at the observation screen. Until a few moments

ago it had been showing the usual view of space as they orbited Dulcodaz butnow there was a lot of interference across it. When it cleared the view of

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space was gone and a face was looking down at them. It was a thin face withoval yellow eyes and a smooth domed head.

Greetings, Captain James T. Kork, rasped Kharg.Do you know him, Jim? Sprock asked.The Captain shook his head. Who are you? he asked.

I am Kharg, came the rasping reply.You seem to know me but I dont recognise you, said the Captain. When

did we meet?Our paths crossed some time ago, rasped Kharg, when you foolishly

interfered with my plans. This caused me considerable difficulty and I do nottolerate interference lightly. I have waited patiently for revenge. Now I shallhave it, after I have taken what I need from you and your Bulcan friend.

Puzzled, the Captain and Sprock glanced at each other.I have re-opened your communication line with your bridge crew, Kharg

went on. Tell them to maintain their orbit and not to try anything foolish. Ifthey do I shall obliterate the Orion.

The Captain flicked open his Transceiver and relayed the message.Good, rasped Kharg. Now step on to the Transporter Platform. It is time

for us to renew our acquaintance.

PART FOUR

As the Captain and Mr Sprock were beaming down to Dulcodaz, the lightsabove the Transporter Platform on the Orion started flashing, indicating thatsomeone was beaming aboard. Remembering Khargs threat and thinkingthat it was some of his men the crew took no action, passively waiting to seewhat was going to happen.

The shimmering outline of two figures began to take shape, each carryingwhat looked like a laser rifle. As the shapes grew stronger they could makeout two leather clad men who had high foreheads and shoulder length hair.

Butch Bradley was the first to recognise them. Klingers! he announced.What the hell are they doing here?

Maybe theyre working with Kharg, suggested Youhoor.The Klingers materialised completely and raised their rifles, covering the

crew.Want to go seaside! grunted Otto, rattling his bucket and spade.Ssshhh! Well go later, hissed Dennis. Wheres Captain Kork? he asked,

looking round the bridge.The Captains not here, Butch told him.Oh? said Dennis, slightly taken aback. Where is he? Is he in the toilet?Maybe he do dirty things! grunted Otto, a disgusting smile on his face.

Dirty things! Dirty things! Ha ha ha!Dennis cuffed him round the head. I told you to stop thinking about that,

he scolded. You know what kind of state you get into. Now stop it.Otto hung his head and turned away from him.He used to be quite sensible you know, Dennis said to the bridge crew.I find that difficult to believe, muttered Butch, looking at the sulking Otto.Where is the Captain then? Dennis asked.

On Dulcodaz, replied Butch.Will he be back soon?

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How the hell do I know, you thick prat, Butch answered diplomatically.Hes been taken prisoner.

Dennis looked disappointed. He turned to Otto and they had one of theirlow, muttering conversations.

Since the Captains not here, Dennis eventually announced, weve

decided to kill everybody, then ourselves. Were a suicide squad, he toldthem proudly.

Couldnt you just kill yourselves then? asked Butch.Dennis thick eyebrows rose as he considered this new angle. He pursed

his lips and stroked one of the bumps on the side of his face. Naaa, hedecided. General Draygo would find out about it.

Butch sniggered. So what? Youll be dead anyway so what could he do toyou?

Ha! You dont know Draygo! Dennis retorted. Hed get us all right. Realbastard is Draygo, isnt he Otto?

Yeah bastard, agreed Otto, nodding several times. No let me go seaside.

Bastard.Oh shut up about the seaside, Dennis snapped. He waved his laser about

in front of the crew. Right everybody hands up, he ordered.The bridge crew raised their hands. So did Otto.Dennis did a double-take when he saw him. Not you, stupid1 he said,

pulling his arms down. Were going to shoot them!Shoot? grunted Otto.Yeah shoot, agreed Dennis. Like at the fairground when you shoot the

ducks. Bang! Bang!Otto laughed. Bang! Bang! he said and loosed off a burst from his laser.Everybody ducked. So did Dennis.He rose and cuffed Otto round the head again. Idiot! You could have hurt

somebody there, he said angrily. Watch what youre doing with that bloodyrifle. He turned back to the crew. Everybody all right? he inquired. Nobodyhurt?

Butch Bradley shook his head in amazement. Only a Klinger would bethick enough to ask if you were okay before he lasered you, he muttered.

Right hands up again everybody, Dennis ordered.The bridge crew raised their hands a second time and the Klinger suicide

squad readied itself. Just as the massacre was about to take place the bridgedoor swished open and Hilda, the cleaning lady, came in carrying her mop

and bucket.Hoi! she yelled at the Klingers. Ive just bloody well mopped that floor!Ugly though they were, even Dennis and Otto recoiled at the sight of the

elderly Hilda, her usual half-smoked cigarette dangling from her lips.She waddled over and inspected the Transporter Platform floor. Look at

the bloody mess! she yelled. Dirty big footmarks all over the place!Dennis and Otto glanced down at the floor where there were lots of oily

smudges which could only have come from their boots.Sorry, muttered Dennis.Sorry my arse! snapped Hilda, stepping on to the Platform. Look at the

state of that bloody floor. Ill have to do it again. She started prodding

aggressively at them with her mop handle. Come on, get those boots offbefore you mess up anything else.

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But were a suicide squad, Dennis protested.Suicides what youll be commitin if you dont get them bleedin boots off!

retorted Hilda. Move!Under severe pressure from the mop handle which was threatening to

invade their nether regions, Dennis and Otto sat on the edge of the Platform

and began to take their boots off.Butch Bradley meantime had been following events closely and with the

Klingers pre-occupied he seized his opportunity and began sneaking closer tothe Platform behind the cover of some consoles.

With Dennis and Otto struggling to take off their heavy leather boots underthe watchful eye of Hilda he sprinted forward the last few yards and snatchedaway the laser rifles.

He tossed one to Mr Zulu and they levelled them at the Klingers.So much for the crack suicide squad, Butch said mockingly. Hands up

you th

skytrek - the krystals of kharg

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