Skills for healthy Skills for healthy relationshipsrelationships

Chapter 6Chapter 6

Effective Effective communicationcommunication

• Communication: Communication: is the process of sharing is the process of sharing information, thoughts, or feelingsinformation, thoughts, or feelings• ““I” MessagesI” Messages: a statement that expresses : a statement that expresses

your feelings, but does not blame or judge the your feelings, but does not blame or judge the other personother person• Example: “I am upset because we didn’t talk last Example: “I am upset because we didn’t talk last

night”night”

• Active ListeningActive Listening: focusing your full attention : focusing your full attention on what the other person is saying and letting on what the other person is saying and letting that person know you understand and carethat person know you understand and care

Active ListeningActive Listening

• Looking at the speaker, nodding your head, facial Looking at the speaker, nodding your head, facial expressionsexpressions

• Encourage the speaker to begin. “Do you want to Encourage the speaker to begin. “Do you want to talk about….”talk about….”

• Ask questions or state comments when they pauseAsk questions or state comments when they pause

• Avoid passing judgmentAvoid passing judgment

• Summarize the speaker’s ideas with phrases. “I Summarize the speaker’s ideas with phrases. “I heard you say…”heard you say…”

• Help speaker explore further. “Tell me more Help speaker explore further. “Tell me more about…”about…”

• Do not steer the conversation away from the Do not steer the conversation away from the speaker’s problemspeaker’s problem

Effective communication Effective communication cont’dcont’d

• Assertiveness:Assertiveness:• Passive: Passive: holding back your true feelings and holding back your true feelings and

going along with another persongoing along with another person• Aggressive: Aggressive: communicate opinions and communicate opinions and

feelings in a way that may seem threatening or feelings in a way that may seem threatening or disrespectful to other peopledisrespectful to other people

• Assertive: Assertive: You are able to stand up for yourself You are able to stand up for yourself while expressing your feelings in a way that while expressing your feelings in a way that does not threaten the other persondoes not threaten the other person

Passive BehaviorsPassive Behaviors

• Hoping the other person will guess your Hoping the other person will guess your feelingsfeelings

• Always listening, rarely talkingAlways listening, rarely talking

• Denying your own feelings, making excusesDenying your own feelings, making excuses

• Criticizing yourself, always apologizingCriticizing yourself, always apologizing

• Always giving in to other peopleAlways giving in to other people

• Mumbling, looking away, fidgeting nervouslyMumbling, looking away, fidgeting nervously

Aggressive behaviorsAggressive behaviors

• Using “you” messages to blame the other Using “you” messages to blame the other personperson

• Interrupting, being sarcasticInterrupting, being sarcastic

• Making fun of the other person’s feelingsMaking fun of the other person’s feelings

• Criticizing the other person, never giving a Criticizing the other person, never giving a complimentcompliment

• Always wanting your wayAlways wanting your way

• Yelling, refusing to talk, finger pointing, glaring, Yelling, refusing to talk, finger pointing, glaring, using physical forceusing physical force

Assertive BehaviorsAssertive Behaviors

• Using “I” messages to explain your feelingsUsing “I” messages to explain your feelings

• Actively listening to the other personActively listening to the other person

• Trying to understand the other person’s feelingsTrying to understand the other person’s feelings

• Expressing appreciation, being respectfulExpressing appreciation, being respectful

• Seeking a compromise that does not go against Seeking a compromise that does not go against either person’s valueseither person’s values

• Speaking confidently and clearly, making eye Speaking confidently and clearly, making eye contact, showing interestcontact, showing interest

Effective communication Effective communication cont’dcont’d

• Body Language: Body Language: includes posture, gestures, includes posture, gestures, facial expressions, and body movementsfacial expressions, and body movements• Example: slouching in your chair during class, Example: slouching in your chair during class,

teacher may think you are bored or unpreparedteacher may think you are bored or unprepared

• Mixed messagesMixed messages: body language doesn’t : body language doesn’t match spoken wordsmatch spoken words• Example: smiling while you are saying Example: smiling while you are saying

something cruelsomething cruel

Other skills for healthy Other skills for healthy relationshipsrelationships

• Cooperation: Cooperation: working together toward a working together toward a common goalcommon goal• Cooperation builds strong relationships that are Cooperation builds strong relationships that are

based on mutual trust, caring and responsibility based on mutual trust, caring and responsibility

• Compromise: Compromise: the willingness of each person the willingness of each person to give up something in order to reach to give up something in order to reach agreement. agreement. • Possible solutionsPossible solutions• When not to compromise: when something might When not to compromise: when something might

be dangerous or goes against your valuesbe dangerous or goes against your values

• When you are willing to compromise you When you are willing to compromise you let the other person know how important let the other person know how important the relationship is to you.the relationship is to you.

FriendshipsFriendships

• FriendshipsFriendships: a relationship based on mutual : a relationship based on mutual trust, acceptance and common interests or trust, acceptance and common interests or valuesvalues

• People look at their friends for honest People look at their friends for honest reactions, encouragement during bad times, reactions, encouragement during bad times, and understanding when they make a and understanding when they make a mistake.mistake.

• Interacting with others helps you build self-Interacting with others helps you build self-esteem and to learn about yourselfesteem and to learn about yourself

Types of friendshipsTypes of friendships

• Casual friendsCasual friends• Same school, live in the same neighborhood, Same school, live in the same neighborhood,

same interests, work together, assigned projectssame interests, work together, assigned projects

• Close FriendsClose Friends• Share similar goals, values, or interestsShare similar goals, values, or interests• Personalities compliment each otherPersonalities compliment each other• What’s important in a close friendship:What’s important in a close friendship:

• LoyaltyLoyalty• HonestyHonesty• EmpathyEmpathy• ReliabilityReliability

Types of friendships Types of friendships Cont’dCont’d

• Friends of the Opposite Sex:Friends of the Opposite Sex:• Gender rolesGender roles: are the behaviors and attitudes : are the behaviors and attitudes

that are socially accepted as either masculine or that are socially accepted as either masculine or femininefeminine

• Vary from culture to cultureVary from culture to culture• Friendships between males and females can be Friendships between males and females can be

satisfying and close, but not involve romancesatisfying and close, but not involve romance• Help you feel comfortable with the opposite sex Help you feel comfortable with the opposite sex

and allows you to fully develop as a personand allows you to fully develop as a person

Problems in friendshipsProblems in friendships

• Envy and JealousyEnvy and Jealousy• Envy can occur when one person has something Envy can occur when one person has something

that the other person desiresthat the other person desires• Jealousy can occur when a “best” friend wants Jealousy can occur when a “best” friend wants

to develop more close friendship and the first to develop more close friendship and the first friend feels left outfriend feels left out• These feelings are normal at timesThese feelings are normal at times• If these feelings linger they can cause problemsIf these feelings linger they can cause problems

• CrueltyCruelty• Friends may act cruel towards each other even Friends may act cruel towards each other even

if they haven’t done anything wrongif they haven’t done anything wrong• This behavior might have a hidden reason This behavior might have a hidden reason

(problems at home, school or else where(problems at home, school or else where

Problems in friendships Problems in friendships Cont’dCont’d

• CliquesCliques• CliqueClique: a narrow, exclusive group of people : a narrow, exclusive group of people

with similar backgrounds or interestswith similar backgrounds or interests• Sense of belonging, but can also deprive a person Sense of belonging, but can also deprive a person

of forming friendships with a variety of peopleof forming friendships with a variety of people

• Peer Pressure: Peer Pressure: a need to conform to the a need to conform to the expectation of friendsexpectation of friends• Can be positive or negative depending on the Can be positive or negative depending on the

situationsituation

Violence in Dating Violence in Dating relationshipsrelationships

• Dating Violence: Dating Violence: a pattern of emotional, a pattern of emotional, physical, or sexual abuse that occurs in a physical, or sexual abuse that occurs in a dating relationshipdating relationship

• One partner uses the abuse to gain control of One partner uses the abuse to gain control of the other personthe other person• Slapping when angrySlapping when angry• Making fun of the other’s looks or abilitiesMaking fun of the other’s looks or abilities• Constantly checking up on a person to see what Constantly checking up on a person to see what

they are doingthey are doing

The cycle of violenceThe cycle of violence

• Tension-buildingTension-building• Picks fightsPicks fights• Acts jealous or Acts jealous or

possessivepossessive• Criticizes or threatensCriticizes or threatens• Has unpredictable mood Has unpredictable mood

swingsswings• Isolates victim from Isolates victim from

othersothers

• Violent EpisodeViolent Episode• Uses forceUses force• May use a weaponMay use a weapon• Causes serious injuryCauses serious injury• May destroy possessionsMay destroy possessions

• CalmCalm• Asks for forgivenessAsks for forgiveness• Makes promisesMakes promises• Buys presentsBuys presents• Is affectionateIs affectionate• Denies the abuse Denies the abuse

happenedhappened

Warning signs of abuseWarning signs of abuse

• Jealous when you talk to others, makes fun of Jealous when you talk to others, makes fun of you in front of othersyou in front of others

• They make all of the decisions and tries to They make all of the decisions and tries to control what you docontrol what you do

• They have a history of bad relationshipsThey have a history of bad relationships

• You feel isolated from your friends and familyYou feel isolated from your friends and family

• You feel less self-confident. You worry about You feel less self-confident. You worry about doing or saying the right things. You change doing or saying the right things. You change how you behave to avoid an argumenthow you behave to avoid an argument

Date rapeDate rape

• Date rape: Date rape: when rape occurs during a datewhen rape occurs during a date

• More then half of young women who are More then half of young women who are raped know the person who raped them.raped know the person who raped them.

• May use a “date rape drug”May use a “date rape drug”

• Men can be victims alsoMen can be victims also

• Emotional effects can last a long timeEmotional effects can last a long time

Ending the abuseEnding the abuse

• Why would a teen remain in an abusive Why would a teen remain in an abusive relationship or hide the abuse from others?relationship or hide the abuse from others?• May think the behavior is normal May think the behavior is normal • Females may think that males are supposed to Females may think that males are supposed to

act in a controlling manner act in a controlling manner • Physical aggression is a sign of masculinityPhysical aggression is a sign of masculinity• Males may be ashamed to admit that they are Males may be ashamed to admit that they are

being abused being abused • Some may believe they deserve to be abusedSome may believe they deserve to be abused

Ending the abuseEnding the abuse

• First step to ending an abusive relationship is First step to ending an abusive relationship is to admit that the abuse exists.to admit that the abuse exists.

• Second step is to realize that you are not to Second step is to realize that you are not to blame for the abuse. You cannot change how blame for the abuse. You cannot change how the abuser behaves.the abuser behaves.

• Finally, you don’t have to deal with the problem Finally, you don’t have to deal with the problem on your own. Seek support of friends and on your own. Seek support of friends and family, teachers, counselor, doctor, social family, teachers, counselor, doctor, social worker, or call an abuse hotline.worker, or call an abuse hotline.

• Adults are legally required to report abuseAdults are legally required to report abuse