SantaClaraUniversityTheWellnessCenter

SixImportantQualitiestoLookforinaPartner

Adaptedfrom: AreYoutheOneforMe?:KnowingWho'sRightandAvoidingWho's

Wrong.by Barbara De Angelis

Quality1:CommitmenttoPersonalGrowth

Your partner is committed to learning everything s/he can about how to be a better

person and a better spouse.

Your partner is willing to receive help and guidance in the form of books, tapes,

lectures, seminars, and counseling if necessary.

Your partner is conscious of his/her blind spots and childhood programming, and is

aware of what emotional baggage s/he has brought into your relationship. Its

dangerous to become involved with someone whos oblivious to his/her weaknesses

and problem areas.

Your partner has personal goals for his/her own self-improvement, and you can see

specific, positive changes in him/her over time.

Questionstoaskyourpartneraboutcommitmenttopersonalgrowth:

1. What have you learned about yourself emotionally in the past ten years and how

has it changed you?

2. What have you learned from your past relationships, and what do you do

differently now?

3. What are your greatest weaknesses, and where do you think they come from?

4. If I asked your past partners to list their biggest complaints about you, what

would they be? Do you agree or disagree?

5. What sources of help have you used in the past when you or your relationships

were in crisis (books, counseling, etc.)? Did these help?

6. How would you like to change in the next five years? What parts of yourself

would you like to get rid of? What qualities would you like to acquire more of?

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Quality2:EmotionalOpenness

If your partner cant identify and share his/her feelings with you, then s/hes not

ready to be in an intimate relationship.

Staying in a relationship with a person who cannot share feelings is a form of self-

punishment.

You deserve to have someone in your life who shows you his/her love and

appreciation on a consistent basis.

The opposite of emotional generosity is emotional stinginesshoarding love and

emotions as if they were in limited quantity and offering you tiny pieces of ones heart.

Questionstoaskyourpartneraboutemotionalopenness:

1. Do you feel comfortable expressing your feelings to the people you love? To

whom in your life right now do you often say I love you?

2. What feelings are difficult for you to talk about? What feelings are easy? Has this

changed over time?

3. Are there parts of yourself you dont feel comfortable sharing? Why do you think

that is?

4. When you do open up and share your emotions, how do you feel afterward?

5. Do you think your inability to express yourself has ever caused problems in your

relationships?

6. If I asked your past partner whether you were emotionally open, what would they

say?

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Quality3:Integrity

Honestly, integrity, and trustworthiness are essential ingredients for a healthy

relationship.

Not telling the truth is the most significant way couples kill passion and destroy their

intimacy.

People who frequently bend the truth may have a life isnt fair attitude, and they

consider dishonesty a strategy for getting an advantage.

Finding a partner who has integrity means seeking:

Someone who is honest with him/herself.

Someone who is honest with others

Someone who is honest with you

Someone who doesnt play games

Look for a partner who is up front about how s/he feels and what s/he wants, and

someone whose actions match his/her words.

When your partner is consistently honest with you, you will naturally trust him/her.

Questionstoaskyourpartneraboutintegrity:

1. Do you think partners should be honest about everything in a relationship, or do

you think some things should be kept private? For instance?

2. Have you ever been lied to or betrayed in a relationship? What happened? How

did it make you feel?

3. Have you ever lied to or betrayed someone in a relationship? What happened?

Would you do it again?

4. What things, if any, would you lie about in a relationship? An affair?

Unhappiness with your partners appearance? Etc.

5. If I asked your past partners if you were honest and trustworthy, how would they

answer? Why?

6. What kinds of things do you feel are inherently wrong, and what wouldnt bother

you (cheating on income tax, taking office supplies home from work, littering, not

returning money you found, etc.)?

___________________________________________________________________________________________

Quality4:MaturityandResponsibility

Here are some signs that your partner is mature enough to have a relationship:

S/he can take care of him/herself (emotionally, physically, financially, socially)

S/hes responsible

o This isnt a conceptits an action.

o When you find a partner whos irresponsible, you have, in a sense, stumbled upon a

child in an adults body. Lovable, perhaps even sympathetic, but certainly not ready for an

adult relationship.

Your feelings

Your boundaries

Your time

Your possessions

His/her possessions

His/Her environment

His/her employees, employer, or coworkers

Other peoples feelings

Questionstoaskyourpartneraboutmaturityandresponsibility:

1. Are you usually on time or late for appointments, etc., in your life?

2. In what area of your life would you say you are the most irresponsible (finances,

health, returning phone calls, etc.)?

3. Have you been fired from your jobs, or have you quit? If you were fired, what were

the reasons?

4. Do you feel you act more as the caretaker in your relationships, or as the one whos

taken care of?

5. If I asked your past partners, would they say you were very responsible, very

irresponsible, or somewhere in between? On what would they base these conclusions?

6. Do you consider yourself sensitive to other peoples feelings?

7. Do you usually return things when you borrow them from people?

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Quality5:HighSelfEsteem

A person with low self-esteem loves INORDER to feel good about him/herself. A

person with high self-esteem loves BECAUSEs/he feels good about him/herself.

Look for these signs of self-esteem:

o Your partner takes pride in him/herself

o Your partner doesnt abuse him/herself, but takes good care of him/herself. Themore you love yourself, the harder it will be for you to abuse yourself physically oremotionally. You can tell how someone feels about themselves observing how they treattheir bodies and take care of themselves (emotionally, psychically, spiritually, etc).

o S/he doesnt allow others to abuse him/her. The more you love yourself the lessyoull allow others to mistreat you.

o S/he expresses his/her self-confidence by taking action in his/her life. The personwith low self-esteem will avoid action because they are scared to death of failing andfeeling even worse about themselves.

Questionstoaskyourpartneraboutselfesteem:

1. What are you the most proud of about yourself and your life? (Do they have adifficult time finding anything to say?)

2. What kind of emotional abuse or mistreatment have you tolerated in the past? Whydid you put up with it? Would you tolerate it now?

3. What do you do to show your love for yourself? (bubble baths, massages, specialvacations, etc.)?

4. What are your worst health or living habits.

5. Do you procrastinate a lot of the time, much of the time, or not much at all?

6. What risks have you taken in your life? Are there any risks youve been avoidingtaking?

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Quality6:PositiveAttitudeTowardLife

Love is a positive force: It thrives in an atmosphere of positivity and starves in an

atmosphere of negativity.

Negative People

Always focus on the problems, and resist solutions

Always find something or someone to complain about

Allow fear and worry to rule them

Are cynical and pessimistic about the future

Dont trust easily

Positive People

o Always focus on finding the solution

o Turn obstacles into opportunities and adversity into lessons

o Trust in their ability to make a difference

o Believe that things can always get better

o Use their vision to change their reality

Questionstoaskyourpartneraboutapositiveattitudetowardlife:

1. Do you feel people are essentially good or essentially bad?

2. When lots of things go wrong at once, how do you react? What goes on in your

mind? Give an example from your recent past.

3. What are some of the most important lesions youve learned about pain in your

life?

4. If you could sum up your philosophy of life in a few sentences, what would it be?

Has it changed since you were younger?

5. If you had to explain why the world is the way it is to your children, what would

you say?

6. Do you believe things always turn out for the best? Whether your answer is yes or

no, explain why.

Excerpted from SantaClaraUniversityTheWellnessCenterQualitiestoLookforinaPartner

http://www.scu.edu/wellness/topics/relationships/Relationship-Partner-Qualities.cfm

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