simple scripts for problems at work key terms term ......simple scripts for problems at work key...

Simple Scripts for Problems at Work Key Terms

Glossary

Term Definition Introduced in:

AggressiveTypically displaying the behavior or tendency to make his own feelings paramount and willing to hurt feelings and break ties to serve self; individual is often brash and abbrasive particularly in a conflict Module 1

AssertiveConfident and expressive, this learned conflict style equally regards the feelings of others and self; typically an individual with self-esteem and does not engage in conflict needlessly Module 1

Body Language Gestures and physical movement used to consciously and unconsciously communicate with others Module 5

EmpathyUnderstanding the complaint with no interest in either agreeing or disagreeing, but instead acknowledging emotion(s) Module 3

Escalate Elevate an issue or complaint to an individual or body that has greater authority than you Module 2

Generation A group that shares similar experiences, ideas and culture due to the period in which they were born Module 2

Inflection Stress on sounds and words Module 5

Pace The rate with which you deliver speech Module 5

PassiveTypically displaying the behavior or tendency to regard others feelings as paramount and lacks active display of negative feelings or emotions; individual is often quiet and walked over Module 1

Passive AggressiveTypically displaying the behavior or tendency toward negative feelings, resentment, and/or aggression in an unassertive passive way; examples include stubbornness and procrastination Module 1

Pitch The highness or lowness of a speaker's voice Module 5

SympathyInvolves agreeing with some aspect of the other person’s feelings or beliefs, and may even involve accepting blame Module 3

Tone A mood and sound conveyed by the way you stress a phrase or deliver words Module 5Work ethic An attitude that impacts quantity, quality, and efficiency of work performed Module 2

Simple Scripts Module 1 Page 1

SIMPLE SCRIPTS MODULE ONE – STANDING UP FOR YOURSELF Module One – Standing Up For Yourself. Now we know the biggest challenge at work

is communication. It’s being able to get the information that you have out in a

way that’s comfortable for others to hear. Now unfortunately, I’ve found that I

wasn’t born a great communicator. And I thought I was unusual, different,

strange. I thought I was the only one that had never learned these skills. And

what was interesting is as I become a professional trainer, I come to find out

many people have never learned these skills. See, I thought people were born

great communicators, and I thought I was just one of the few that didn’t get that

gene. The reality is we’re either born one of two ways as a communicator. The

most effective way, we must learn. You’re not born an effective communicator.

It’s a learned skill. So what do you do if you didn’t learn it? Well, if you didn’t get

the gene, you’ve got to learn it. And since none of us got the gene, we all have

to learn it. So let’s break down communication into specific components. First,

you’re either born as an aggressive communicator or a passive communicator.

You can tell. In children, they either want to go out and speak, or they tend to be

a little bit more shy. Of course the person that’s going out there is more

aggressive; the person standing back is more shy. Now as we’re born this way,

we tend to resort back to this when we don’t have a different pattern or we don’t

have a more effective pattern. So let’s identify what each of those are. The

aggressive communicator tends to walk on others’ rights. They get their needs

met at all cost. It’s all about me-focused. Me, me, me, me, me. So if we were to

use an example, let’s say that we’ve got an office worker, Sue. And she’s in her


office and she’s got a problem. One of her colleagues listens to music in his

cube and it’s WAY too loud. She’s upset by it because she’s under stress and

she’s got an important deadline. She can’t focus because the music is too loud.

So Sue yells over the cube, “Hey, turn that down! Are you deaf, or just dumb?

This is a business!” The music turns off abruptly. And the outcome of this

exchange? Well, see Sue gets her needs met – the fact that she needs it quiet.

But she’s been very aggressive in doing it. She didn’t consider the needs of the

other person who had the music on. And this is an aggressive type of

communication. The second type of communication is passive. A passive

person is quieter. They’re often going to hide their true feelings. They tend to

compromise frequently just to keep the peace, and they work to avoid conflict

and often avoid dealing with a situation just to avoid an argument. Often they

withdraw and act helpless. Now these folks that are passive communicators,

they tend to get walked on. They tend to let others take advantage of them, and

they tend to become sometimes a little bit of a victim. They violate their own

rights. So if Sue – we’re going to use the example of Sue again. If Sue was to

be a passive communicator in the same example, instead of yelling over the

cubicle, what she might do is just be quiet. She wouldn’t say anything. She’s

upset and she’s got an important deadline, and she can't focus. But she’s not

going to say anything. She doesn’t want to hurt anybody’s feelings. So she just

pouts in her cube, figuring out you know, what can she do? She tries to tune it

out. When that doesn’t work, she figures she deserves whatever reprimand the

supervisor gives her because she couldn’t get her work done. You know, the


outcome here is Sue didn’t get her needs met. She got walked on, and she

accommodated her colleague at her own expense. And here’s what’s worse, is

the colleague didn’t even know that she was accommodating them. This is a

passive type of behavior. Now oftentimes people will fall into the role of being

passive aggressive where they flip-flop between the two. And a passive

aggressive behavior tends to never be outright abrupt or direct about their needs.

They tend to go around somebody’s back. So they often get walked on, and then

they try to get even behind somebody’s back. The reality is a passive aggressive

person – nobody’s needs get met. They tend to ask innocent questions, they’ll

be late, they’ll accidentally lose or forget something. Their attitude is if I can’t get

what I want, you shouldn’t get what you want, either. And it’s really a lose-lose

situation. A lot of times they’ll say yes when they really mean no. And it really

becomes a very frustrating situation because it doesn’t really solve anything. So

if we go back to our example of Sue, if Sue was a passive aggressive person, the

next time the music is jumping in the cube next door, she doesn’t say anything.

She’ll be a little grumpy and people can tell she’s bothered, but she denies. No,

no I’m fine. She said she just didn’t sleep well, but in reality, she’s obsessing

about the music all day. So the next morning, in order to get even Sue might

bring in a CD – something like American Idol Worst Editions Ever, and then play

it at the top of the decibel level as she can all day. But lunchtime, the entire

department is mumbling. See, the passive aggressive person never addresses

really the problem. They just try to get even, and no one really understands

what’s going on. It’s not a very effective communication style. All these


communication styles are win-lose or lose-lose styles. They really don’t work.

The reality is none of us are born with a style that truly does work. It’s a style we

have to learn. And that style is called assertive communication. See, assertive

communication has the expressed feeling that we are equally entitled to express

ourselves. I am confident about who I am. I realize I have choices and I

consider my options. I speak clearly, honestly, and to the point. I’m 100 percent

responsible for my own happiness. And I respect the rights of others. In

assertive communication – sorry. An assertive communicator is expressive.

They express their needs and they allow others to express their needs. They

respect the needs of others as well as respecting their own needs. They’re

confident, open, and consequently they can be highly productive because they’re

able to find out what’s happening, get to the bottom, and create a solution. Now

there’s a basic script for assertive communication. We’re going to go over that

script. The script sounds something like this. “I feel ...” and then blank. Fill in

how you feel. “When you ...” fill in what they’re doing. “Because I think ...” and

then fill in what you think about it. “What I would like is ...” and then you fill in

what the request is. So a simple script like this – it’s not very difficult, it’s easy to

use, and it fits so many circumstances. You can use this with your spouse, you

can use it with your children, you can use it with your coworkers, you can use it

with your boss – any time you need to address a difficult situation, this simple

script is very, very effective. So let’s use an example. Let’s say you’re frustrated

when you get up because – I’m sorry. You’re frustrated when a coworker of

yours gets up and leaves when you’re in the middle of a sentence. So you might


say something like, “I feel frustrated when you just get up and leave when we’re

talking because I think you’re not interested in what I’m saying. What I’d like for

you to do is to listen and wait till I’m done speaking before you leave.” Very

sample script. Now let’s go apply that to Sue. So Sue’s got this music thumping

in her cube mate – in the cube next to her, and she’s got to figure out what to do.

So she goes over there, she writes her script out real quick, and she says to her

cube mate, “I feel distracted and stressed about my workload when you have

your music turned up so loud, because I think, well I can’t think. And I’m not

going to be able to meet my deadlines. What I’d like is for you to turn the music

down so I can’t hear it and focus on what I need to get done.” Sue’s neighbor

would most likely apologize, because they had no idea the music was a problem.

He thought everyone in the department liked it, and that’s why he turned it up so

loud. See, as an assertive communicator, we’re able to respect our rights to

communicate our needs, but we’re also able to respect the rights of other people

without walking on them or accommodating them by getting walked on ourselves.

Now assertive communication means we need to stand our ground. But the

reality is we’re going to slip up from time to time, and that’s okay. So we’ve just

got to keep practicing until we can get this straight. We’re going to go through

many more examples today so that you truly can get this. So first, let’s take a

look at some general rules of thumb. First of all, focus on the issue – not the

person. If the issue is about tasks, focus on the facts and the goals of the task.

If the problem is about people, instead of focusing on the person directly, focus

on the process the emotions, but not the person. For example, if somebody


worked in a doctor’s office and a patient came in at the wrong time for an

appointment, you know the patient was wrong. He was supposed to be there at

a different time. But the patient think’s you’re wrong. The patient thinks you

gave him the wrong appointment time. It doesn’t really matter who made the

error, does it? See, regardless of who’s at fault, the issue is that it needs to get

resolved. So you want to focus on the solution and not the problem. The second

one is you want to focus on the interests, not the position. And the interest is

okay, what’s going to help make the solution – not my position that I’m right and

you’re wrong, or your position that you’re right and I’m wrong. We want to focus

on the interest. And of course focus on the benefits. So instead of just saying,

well you need to this because I said so – no. What’s the benefit to the person of

doing what you’re asking them? Let them know what the benefit is so that they

understand it. Now of course you also want to use “I” statements. And “I”

statements are statements where you are talking about how YOU feel. I think, I

feel, I see, things with I. Now when you say “you” statements, you’re too loud,

your music – this can come off accusatory and create a defensive mode. So you

want to be very, very careful. In standing your ground, one of the most difficult

situations at work that I often hear about is having to say no to your boss. So

let’s look at this scenario. I mean it can be quite scary. I mean think about it –

your boss has hired you to do a job, and oftentimes I know when I was asked to

do a job, I almost was afraid that if I said no, my boss might look down on me.

He might think that I’m insubordinate, that I don’t want to do the work that he’s

asked me to do. And it’s important that we understand saying no, there’s some


boundaries. We have to know when to say yes and what’s acceptable, and when

to say no. I mean sometimes you might even think no is going to work against

your career goals, and that you might get passed by on a promotion. But see, a

lot of times bosses love to see people that know limits – that know what to say

yes to, and what to say no to. So let’s take an example here. Let’s say Angie is

an administrative assistant in a busy office. She’s already juggling large projects

with tight deadlines while also covering the phones for a coworker, Nick, who is

taking sick leave. It’s lunchtime on Wednesday, and she’s eating a sandwich at

her desk trying to catch up on her work. Robert, her boss, approaches and says,

“Angie, with Nick out I need you to reorganize this customer database. I know

it’s a big project, but you can handle it. I need it done by noon on Friday. No

exceptions.” Now Angie might begin to panic at the thought of more work. She’s

already taken on way too much. She’s overwhelmed. Should she dare say no?

You see, as an employee, you’ve been hired to get the work done. You might

already use your positive self-talk and be reliable that you’re motivated and you

can do it, but the reality is you just might not have the bandwidth. You have to be

realistic with what you can and what you can’t do. And it’s not negative as long

as you’re saying it’s based on rational, real, reasoning. So let’s look at some

reasons on why it’s appropriate – it might be appropriate for Angie to say no, and

let’s walk through the process. First, let’s ask does she have the skill to do a

good job? And she may or may not. Does she already have the other

assignments that she has to get done? Can she delegate some of that work to

someone else to do that assignment? And see, if Angie can’t realistically say yes


to each of these, it may be in her best interest to say no, because is it better to

say yes and do something incomplete, haphazardly, or even late? Or is it better

to say no, and admit that you don’t have the bandwidth, that you’re not able to do

it? See, I will tell you having worked with many managers, they’d rather hear

their employees say no and explain why they can’t do it, because then they can

get somebody else to take it on who WILL do it. There’s nothing worse than

giving a project to someone, having them tell you they’re going to do it, and then

not getting it done. So let me give you an example here. What Angie might say

is, “Robert, my schedule won’t allow me to give the project the attention it

deserves to complete by Friday at noon. I’d rather decline than do a mediocre

job. Do you think there’s anyone else who might be able to do it? Or could you

help me put one of these other projects on the back burner so I can get this

done?” Now imagine if you were a manager and your employee told you this.

How would you feel? I’d feel relieved. I’d feel appreciative that they let me know

that they don’t have the bandwidth to get it done. This allows me now as a

manager to find someone else who can get it done, and she’s even helping me

by asking me those questions to think, who else can do it? She just didn’t say

no. She said no, and let me help you find someone else. So let’s go through the

script of saying no to the boss. It starts with explaining the situation. And you

want to focus on the facts. Explain why you’re declining, and ask about

alternatives. So in Angie’s case, she said, “My schedule won’t allow me to give

the project the attention it deserves by Friday at noon.” This is a fact. She’s got

too much work. She can’t fit it in. So she says I’d rather decline than do a


mediocre job. Number three, it says, “Do you think there’s anyone else who

might be able to do it? Or could you help me put one of these projects on the

back burner so I can get yours done?” See, she’s helping to ask about

alternatives – very important. Now here’s some tips for saying no. Start with

fact-based no’s. See, notice that Angie said no up front. This prevents her from

sounding defensive. If she had started off explaining why she was saying no

before she actually said it, her boss might think she was just making excuses.

And Robert might have stood there thinking of ways to shoot down Angie’s

objections before she could ever say a firm no. So it’s important that you start

with the no. And Angie could have easily said, “No, Robert. Unfortunately I can’t

take this on.” And then gone on further to give more complete of a no. Now of

course if your no is constructive and considerate of your boss’s needs, it steers

them towards another solution. See, Robert wasn’t let down by Angie’s no.

Instead, he was helped by it. She was honest and up front, and she offered

alternatives. So it’s important that as you are saying no to your boss that you do

offer additional alternatives to allow them to consider other ways that you can

help them out. And this may not be the only way. So by being able to be

assertive and to say what you mean without being mean with what you say,

you’re going to be able to get your point across in saying no to your coworkers as

well as no to your boss.

[End of recording.]

Simple Scripts – Module 2 Page 1

SIMPLE SCRIPTS MODULE TWO – SPEAKING WITH CONFIDENCE Module number two – Speaking with Confidence. Let’s start looking at some other

examples here. Let’s take, for example the lazy coworker. It’s frustrating if you

work with someone who takes two hour lunch breaks, who makes dozens of

personal calls, who naps in their chair – or maybe someone who’s frequently at

the restroom or surfs the web all day. And you’re there working and hustling to

get your work done, and maybe their additional workload is ending up on your

desk because they’re just not getting their work done. It can be extremely

frustrating, and this is a challenge to communicate. So let’s take a look at what

exactly we can say to handle this situation. It starts with having a plan. That

plan is going to have five steps. First, we want to determine its effects on you.

Next, we want to decide what you want. Third, we want to decide what to say.

Fourth, we want to address the issue. And fifth, we want to determine the next

steps. So let’s go over each and every one of those individually. So step

number one is, how does it affect you? And I ask you to consider this because I

remember years ago as a manager, I had one employee that no matter what

anybody did, she would come running to me and tell me. Did you know Joe did

this? Did you know Sue did this? Did you know Sam did this? And as a

manager, I almost felt like saying you’re not in fifth grade anymore. Please stop

tattling on every one of your employees and focus on your job. See, she was

always behind on her projects. She wasn’t able to get her work done, but she

was so busy focusing on everybody else’s. So I want you to consider, how does

this affect you? And here’s a real life example. When I was in the corporate


world, I was working for a very large company. And I had a coworker that almost

inevitably took two hour lunches. I heard him doing several personal calls a day.

And they always seem to be just putzing. They weren’t getting their work done.

And I got frustrated because I would think, you know, I’m getting in here, I get my

work done, I get everything done, but they’re always getting praised. How is

that? You know, Joe does a great job on this. Joe does a great job on that.

What I didn’t know – and I only found this out after talking to my manager – was

that this individual, Joe, came in at 6:30 and left at 6:30 – came in at 6:30 AM

and would leave at 6:30 PM every single day. They would come in on

weekends. See, this individual had the free time. They didn’t mind spending 12

hour days, even though they were only productive for probably eight of those

hours. They were still getting their work done on time, high quality. They would

also come in on weekends if necessary. Now they didn’t move very fast, but they

always met their deadlines. Their work was quality. And to me, it was frustrating

because I’m the type of person who when I’m working, I’m working. And to me, it

felt like they weren’t working. But they were still meeting their objectives. And I

challenge you to consider that, because in today’s work environment, we have

four generations in the workplace. And two of those generations do not have the

same work ethic that the other two have. And if you happen to be in one of those

generations that has a strong work ethic that says, I work, I get this done – and

you’re sitting next to or working with coworkers that happen to have a little

different form of work ethic – now don’t get me wrong. The other generations get

their work done. They just don’t get it done in the same way. They may get eight


hours more of work done in six hours and spend the other two hours doing

something else. So it’s important to understand – are they meeting their

objectives? And sometimes it’s easy to get caught into a busybody mode, that

we’re expecting what everybody else is doing and we forget to focus on our own.

So if this isn’t affecting you, I want you to ask yourself the question, do I really,

does this really need to be addressed? If it’s not affecting you, if it’s not affecting

the business, and it’s more of just an annoyance and an irritation, maybe that’s

something we need to check within ourselves and ask the question, why is it

bothering me? Because if they’re getting their work done and they’re meeting

their objectives, and they’re doing it, why should it bother us if they take 12 hours

to do it or eight hours to do it or six hours to do it? What’s really important? And

I will tell you, one generation feels that putting the hours is more important than

what you accomplish. So you do have to be careful with that. Many generations

– or the latter two generations – feel that as long as I’m getting the objective

done, it doesn’t matter how long I take. And if I choose to take 12 hours, that’s

my issue. So we need to be respectful of other people’s styles. And this starts

with asking yourself, how does this affect you? Because step number two is

what do you want? If it’s frustrating – and I used to sit next to somebody who did

this. It was frustrating to me to hear them on the phone on personal calls. It was

frustrating. I didn’t think it was fair. And what I found out is life isn’t fair. And it’s

unfair, but sometimes there’s nothing I can do about the fact that it’s unfair. The

only thing I can do is manage myself. I can manage my results. I can manage

what I do, and I have no responsibility what other people do. So sometimes we


want to have words for things that maybe we just don’t need words for. So I want

to ask yourself these questions. Do you want someone to know about it? And if

so, why? Do you want it to be fair? Reality is it probably won’t be. Do you want

them to do the work? Well, that would be good, but isn’t that really their

manager’s responsibility in many cases? And if you are the manager, well then

that does affect you and you do have a situation there to deal with. And lastly, do

you want to not have to do their work? And if you’re in a position where you’re

having to do their work, then this directly affects you. Now you have a specific

reason to address this with your manager or potentially their manager, but

certainly with them. So let’s take a look at step number three. If it is affecting

you, you’ve got an issue, it’s time to address it. So you have to decide what to

say. We have to start by identifying what is the problem. The problem isn’t that

you’re irritated, because that’s your challenge. But the problem is that by them

coming in late, not completing their assignment, it creates more work for you.

That’s the problem. So we need to be very specific in identifying what is the

problem. And it has to be a behavior – not an attitude. Attitudes are very difficult

to change for people. Behaviors are very easy. So we want specific behavior –

when you arrive at 9:00 and leave at 4:30, not completing your tasks, it forces me

to do additional work. And that’s how specific we want to get. We want to be

able to pinpoint the specific behaviors that this person is doing. And then of

course, we’re going to ask for the resolution. So let’s go back to our simple

script. I feel; when you; because I think; what I would like is. So it might be

something – our script might sound something like, “I feel frustrated when you


leave early, leaving me to finish the project by myself, because I think that you’re

not doing your fair share. What I would like is for you to stay and finish the

project with me so that I don’t have to stay over.” Very simple script. You need

to just fill in the words. And practice this and rehearse it, and decide what you’re

going to say and how you’re going to say it so that you feel comfortable

addressing it with the individual. Now of course in step number four, you have to

address the issue. You need to be calm and collected and remember what you

want. We don’t want to fight to be right. That’s often the booby prize in life, I’ve

come to find out. We want to fight for them to do what is necessary, what is

needed for you not to have to do the extra work. And that’s really the situation

that we’re talking about. Now of course once you address it, what do you do if it

continues? What if they ignore your request? What if just simply won’t do their

fair share? Now what do you do? Well, now we’re going to have to escalate it.

Escalating it is never fun. I certainly don’t like to have to approach a boss about

this. But when done professionally, when done in the appropriate way with the

appropriate tone and body language, you’re going to be able to communicate

these words and get your situation resolved. So a couple of steps in escalating a

situation: First is make sure to be fact based, not emotion based. We want to be

careful not to go in there and say, you know what? I’m just so mad at Joe. I

can’t believe it. The guy is an idiot. He’s on the phone all the time completely

frustrating me. This type of language, the boss is going to see YOU as the

problem, potentially as a complainer, and not the individual, Joe. So we need to

state facts. Be specific. Mention that you’ve asked for change, and ask for


assistance. So something like this might be appropriate. “Boss, Joe left at 4:50

for the last three days. By him leaving early, the XYZ project has fallen behind

substantially. I’ve asked him to stay longer to complete his work, but he

continues to leave early, putting the project more behind. Can you address this

issue with him?” Very straightforward. Now oftentimes this manager, if I’m

approached this way, I will quickly get on to the situation, because it’s clear to me

what the problem is. You need to be clear to your manager, to the boss, to the

appropriate executive individual to be able to resolve the issue. Now of course,

they may choose not to resolve it. They may choose not to take responsibility.

But here’s the script and the words to help YOU get the best possible results.

Now of course to be even more effective, avoid words like um, uh, try, if, maybe,

hope, wish. These are all very, very weak words that reduce your strength and

your power, your confidence. In order to increase your confidence, here’s a

small little tip. Take a three-second break before you speak. So when someone

asks you a question or someone is speaking, when they’re finished, take a three-

second break. Just count to three in your head – 1, 2, 3 – and then answer.

You’ll look like you’ve been thinking about the answer. You’ll seem more poised.

You’ll seem more confident. And you’ll often get a much better result. Now of

course rehearse what you’re going to say. You want to be confident. You want

to be calm. You want to be in control. If you’re not used to using the script, it’s

going to take you a little bit to get used to it. But the interesting thing is once

you’ve used the script four, five, six, seven times, it’ll come out as if it’s second

nature. It will almost be as if you’re so used to saying it, there’s no question that


these are your words. And it just takes a little bit. Remember, these are just

words. These are just scripts. And these scripts do work, but you have to be

able to have those words ready, because certainly you don’t want to have a 3X5

card in your pocket and say, oh wait a minute. Let me read the words. You’re

probably not going to have time for that. So the more you use these words and

the easier – the more you read the script over and over again, the easier it

becomes. In the beginning, it’s going to take some time, though, just like

anything you learned. You’re going to not know what you don’t know in the

beginning. And then eventually through conscious effort, you’re going to be able

to have these words right at the tip of your tongue. And the more they say them

– excuse me. The more YOU say them, the easier they’re going to be, and the

quicker they’re going to fall out of your mouth, and the more natural they’re going

to sound. I guarantee you, the first couple of times you say them, you’re going to

be like, those aren’t my words. They don’t even sound like me. But the more

you say them, the easier they’re going to flow, the more they’re going to sound

like you, and four, five, 10, 15 times later, you’re going to own those words. But

what do you do if you’re not getting heard in a conversation? What if you’re

saying some things and it just doesn’t seem to be sinking in with the person?

Well, let’s look at some specific words and phrases that you can use to get heard

when having a conversation. Now this could be in a group conversation; this

could be in an individual conversation. But sometimes we just need some words

to say, hey, I’m here. My voice matters. So let me give you a couple of these.

One is, “I understand and I’d like to share my thoughts.” You want to agree with


them first, and then take them to where we want to go. Or maybe it’s, “I

disagree, and here’s why.” Or maybe you don’t feel like you’re conveying your

idea, so maybe something like, “I feel like I’m not conveying this idea well. Let

me state this in another way.” Or, “I’d like you to hear me out one more time.”

Or maybe something, being direct might be the solution. “You know, when I

discuss my thoughts and ideas with you, I feel like you’re tuning me out. Is this

the case? If so, how can I communicate my ideas more effectively?” See,

sometimes we have to ask for help in getting our voice heard. And if we’re not

getting our voice heard, these are very specific ways that you can say that. And

by using these tips as well as pausing for the three seconds, you’re going to be

more confident. You’re going to be seen as a higher professional, and you’re

going to be able to get your voice heard.

[End of recording.]


SIMPLE SCRIPTS MODULE THREE – HANDLING CRITICISM Module number three – Handling Criticism. Being criticized is certainly never fun. I

remember being called into my boss’s office and receiving a very, very negative

review. It almost felt like he was attacking me verbally. I mean I felt – it was a

horrible feeling. And sometimes you just want to defined yourself. You just want

to attack back. You just want to get aggressive. And certainly none of that truly

works. And if you don’t have a plan for how to react, our natural instincts often

kick in, which means we often either go aggressive and we attack the fight

instinct, or we go passive and we use the flight instinct and we run away. An

assertive person takes time to evaluate the criticism, understand whether it really

is appropriate, and decides what to do about it. But that means we have to stay

in control and we have to have a plan. So it starts with knowing what to avoid.

And you want to avoid attacking back. You want to avoid getting emotional and

certainly above all, you need to avoid blaming. Blaming is the most common

reaction that we have as individuals, is when someone attacks us, we either want

to blame somebody else for it, or blame the individual who’s attacking us. Either

way, it doesn’t work. So it’s important that we do walk through these steps and

that we understand how to control our own emotions, but most certainly how to

respond back when someone does criticize is, because see, our interests are as

important as everyone else’s. So the flight doesn’t necessarily get us the best

results. Although it may keep the peace for a short period of time, it certainly

does not give us the answers that we’re looking for. So when handling criticism,

we want to start with the mentality of what can I learn? So when you hear


someone saying something negative, there’s probably a little bit of truth to what

they’re saying. Now they might be completely skewed. And there might be only

a small ounce to their five pounds that they’re espousing. But it’s important that

we do have an attitude or mentality of what can I learn. And certainly when we

are criticized, our natural instinct is to deflect. In this case, as an assertive

person, we want to stop. We want to seek to understand first. And instead of

backing off and running as a passive person would do, we want to stay engaged

and listen. As hard as that can be, especially when what we’re being criticized

has maybe some resonance of truth with us, we don’t always want to hear that. I

know certainly I don’t like hearing it. And I don’t know too many people who do

like being criticized. So we need to stay engaged in order to be able to really

understand the truth of the complaint. So let’s walk through the four steps of

handling the complaint. This is specifically true with handling a customer

complaint. So let’s look at these. First is listen and empathize, then clarify, then

respond, and then check back. So let’s start with listening and empathizing.

When we’re listening, this is especially true if we’re person to person, belly to

belly in person. We want to look at the person. We want to lean forward. We

want to use listening noises like uh-huh, um-hmm, yeah, okay, and nod as

appropriate. This will help them to see that we’re not getting defensive. The

natural reaction of people is when you get defensive, they get defensive. It’s like

a reflection of whatever you do is what they tend to do. So you need to lead in

these situations. If you become a follower, you’re going to end up following their

negativity and it’s going to end up very, very ineffective for everybody involved.


So you have to lead in these situations, and it starts with being empathetic, and it

starts with listening effectively. Now the next step, don’t take it personally. Stay

calm. The way to stay calm – we like to say don’t take it personally, and that’s

QTIP, Quit Taking It Personal. I used to have a QTIP taped to my computer to

remind me it’s not about me. Now this is especially true if you work in a call

center. If you happen to be the person that gets the complaints on a regular

basis, they would have complained to whoever answered the phone. Now

sometimes it’s tough not to take it personally, especially if what they’re saying is

about you and what you’ve personally done. We have to remember, though, it’s

business. We’re talking about business. And it’s about getting the job done. Of

course we all have emotions. We all have emotions we have to deal with. But if

the project wasn’t done correctly, it’s about the project not being done correctly.

It’s not about you being a bad person. It’s simply about the behavior getting

addressed. I want to take a moment and remind you that not everybody you

speak with is going to be trained on how to communicate assertively. That

means some are going to be aggressive, and some are going to be passive. And

some are even going to be passive aggressive, and those are the hardest to deal

with. So you want to remember in your communication that you have to be just a

little bit better to compensate for their lack of communication, because

remember, most people haven’t been properly trained in how to communicate.

We learn it through our parents. We learn it through our teachers. And if they

didn’t teach us assertive communication, and many of them didn’t know it

themselves, that these folks that we’re dealing with haven’t learned it. So we


have to give them a little bit of leniency. Number two, we want to remember they

have a right to complain. Everyone has an opinion and everyone has a voice.

It’s just like noses. And they’re going to complain. Just because they’re

complaining doesn’t mean they’re right or they’re wrong, but they do have the

right to complain. So number three is listen for what the problem is. Sometimes

when people complain, what they’re complaining about isn’t really the problem.

They’re complaining about other things. And you have to listen hard to find out

what the problem really is. And then again, remember pause two to three

seconds before responding. This will help you to digest it, help you not to

become upset, because have you ever responded too quickly and then said, ooh,

I shouldn’t have said that? If you get in the habit of pausing even just a couple of

seconds, number one, you won’t interrupt people. But number two, it will allow

you to stay calmer and more collected and give you just a few seconds to think

before you respond. Now we’ve got to understand empathizing versus

sympathizing. A lot of times, we sympathize and think we’re empathizing. That’s

not really the case. Sympathy means that we involve agreeing with some aspect

of the other person’s feelings or beliefs, and it may even involve accepting

blame. So it’s important that we don’t accept blame – especially in the case of a

customer. This could get us into legal situations that we wouldn’t want to have to

deal with. So it’s important that we do empathize. Empathize means

understanding the complaint with no interest in either agreeing or disagreeing,

but instead acknowledging their emotions. So let me give you an example here.

Sympathy might be, aw, that’s terrible. I feel so bad that we gave you the wrong


prescription. Could you imagine if a pharmacist said that? That’s got lawsuit

stamped all over it. Now of course I’m not an attorney and I can’t give you legal

advice, but what I can tell you is when you empathize, you protect yourself from

agreeing with a possible problem. So empathy might be, oh, I see that you’re

upset. Tell me what happened. We’re acknowledging the emotion, but not

taking any blame or responsibility for what has happened. So let’s take a look at

a few phrases and a few scripts you might want to use here when empathizing.

The first one might be, “I see that you are,” “It seems like you are,” or “You

appear.” And all of these would be great empathetic phrases to use when

empathizing with a client. Now step number two is we have to clarify what

happened. We have to find out what’s going on. Say the customer’s extremely

upset. Something’s gone wrong. We have to find out the facts, because a lot of

times, they’re going to be emotional. There’s going to be challenges. They are

not articulating clearly – especially when emotions are involved. So we want to

use open ended questions to let them talk. Let them articulate and get it out.

See, when they’re getting it out, when you want them to get it out, use open

ended questions. This allows them to talk. This gives them permission. Now of

course the pros of open ended questions is it develops trust. The cons are it can

be time consuming. So be aware of that. What can also happen is if you need to

close down the questions and move them forward to the next step, you want to

ask closed ended questions. “Is there anything else?” “Are you sure that’s

everything?” This is used as a silencer. It can silence them. But you have to be

careful because if you use closed ended questions, it can actually add fuel to the


fire. It can make them more upset, because now they feel like their voice is not

being heard. So you need to start with open ended questions and slowly draw

them down to closed with closed ended questions. And this balance of open

ended and closed ended questions will help them to feel heard and as if they’re

really getting a procedural justice, if you may. So step number three is

responding. And it’s responding to the information they’ve given you. There’s

two levels you can respond. One is level one, you can offer a solution. If you

have the ability and it’s within your realm, offer them a solution. But if you can’t,

then you can possibly take them to level two, which is to refer them to the person

who can help. But make sure the next step is made. In other words, make sure

they get to someone who really can help them. Don’t just pass the buck and put

them on someone else’s voice mail and hope somehow, some way, that other

person is going to help them. That’s really not what we mean. The next step is

check back with them. Does that sound like a reasonable solution? Are you

comfortable with that as a solution? You need to get them to say yes to the

solution you’ve proposed. There’s nothing worse than someone giving you a

solution and you not really liking it. So this point gives them a chance to say

yeah, that makes sense. Now they’ve bought into your solution and now you can

move forward with what needs to get done. So let’s review those steps again.

Step number one is to listen and empathize. Step number two is to clarify. Step

number three is to respond. And step number four is to check back to make sure

your solution is appropriate. If we look at customers and applying this to the

customer, see whether you’re an office manager, a receptionist, a CEO,


customers are the lifeblood of your business. It costs you six times as much to

find a new customer as it does to maintain a good relationship with the current

customers. And folks, that’s a lot of money. It’s imperative, then, that you do all

you can to keep your existing customers happy. And to give you the very best

service at all times, you want to think of your customers as the people who sign

your paychecks. And by using this four step process, you would be able to

handle customer complaints more effectively. You would be able to keep them

from going over the top and getting all red-faced and angry. And you’ll be able to

do it in a way that keeps you in control and is professional. So let’s review a

sample script here. Now of course you’re going to have to do your own based on

the type of challenges that your customers give you. But here’s a sample one

you might want to use as a guideline. Step number one, listen and empathize.

So it might be something like, “I see you’re upset your phone is not making calls.”

Step number two is clarify. “When did this problem start? How long has this

problem been occurring?” Step number three is respond. “It sounds like your

phone has a faulty battery. What I can do is send you a new battery.” Step

number four is check back. “Does that sound reasonable?” And this would be

the process. Now of course there’s going to be some customer conversation

between this, and some pauses. But this is the general script that you would use

to handle a complaint from a customer. Now every now and then you might have

to deal with a customer that is just over the top. We’ve all had them. Any of us

who have ever dealt with customers know every now and then, you get the

customer that is just over the top upset, mad, angry, and they just start using


language that’s just absolutely inappropriate. So let’s take a look at how to

handle that language. You’re going to have to use what I call the abusive

language script. Here’s how the script goes. Remember, we’re using assertive

communication. We’re using “I” statements. We’re focusing on the problem and

we’re asking for solutions. So it goes something like this. “Sir, it is difficult for me

to hear what you’re saying when you use that language. Please refrain from

cursing so that I can hear you better. If you continue, I will need to terminate or

end this call.” Very simple script. This allows you to be able to address it. It’s

straightforward. We’re not yelling at them. We’re not being aggressive and

attacking them. We’re not being passive and sitting back and allowing them to

speak to us in a manner that’s inappropriate. So by being able to put these

simple steps together, you’re able to use the simple script to be able to handle

the criticism and be able to have the confidence that you need to resolve any

customer issues.

[End of recording.]


SIMPLE SCRIPTS MODULE FOUR – MANAGING EMOTIONS Module number four – Managing Emotions. What’s interesting is no matter how many

scripts I give you, if you can’t manage your emotions, what ends up happening is

you lose those scripts. Have you ever had it happen to you where you’re getting

upset, you know exactly what you want to say, you’ve kind of prepared it, you get

in the heat of the moment, you get completely upset, you can’t even think

straight, and things come flying out of your mouth that you never even thought

you wanted to say? I remember when I was terminated from my first job, and it

was so unfair. I knew exactly what I was going to say. I had prepared it. And I

got so mad, words – four letter words – came flying out of my mouth left and

right, and before you knew it, I ended up getting fired. And I should have never

been fired, but it was because of my own anger. I couldn’t control my emotion.

Years later I found out that when we get upset, our IQ drops by about 40 percent.

Now I’ll tell you, personally I think my IQ drops significantly more than that

because I can’t think when I get upset. It’s horrible. And that’s what happened.

So we’ve got to be able to control our emotions in order to communicate

effectively. And that really starts with being able to deflect the anger and the

impatience. It’s not feeding in to what’s happening. And part of this is

recognizing the bait. The bait is when someone says something that ticks you

off, that pushes your hot button. We’ve got to know where our own hot buttons

are and how to protect ourselves. Let me give you an example of what I mean.

Say, for example, Linda comes in and she says, “Good morning, David. How are

you?” And David says, “Hi, Linda. Can you believe it?” That’s bait. He’s trying


to pull you into something right there. Now Linda, if she’d not cautious, watch

what happens. She says, “Believe what?” And here David goes. “That email

about the Simpson project. Now I’m going to have to do all this extra work and

it’s not my job. Promotions is getting off scot free when I have to do all the work.

And believe me, this kind of thing rolls downhill, if you get what I mean. You’re

going to be buried, too.” He just baited her again with “you’re going to be buried,

too.” If Linda’s not careful, she’s going to respond to this, and he’s going to take

her down with him. And they’re both going to be upset. So the key is you’ve got

to find the good. How can you find the good in what’s happening? How can you

find the positive in order not to be taken down with this bait? Because as soon

as you take the bait, it ends up fueling the fire, you’re getting frustrated, they’re

getting frustrated, it’s a lose-lose situation. So let’s take a look at fueling the fire.

Linda makes the mistake, she says, “Oh my God, that’s unbelievable. I’ve got so

much on my plate it’s ridiculous already.” David says, “Man, I hear you.” Linda

says, “And now there’ll be more? Let Jenny in Promotions handle her own

problems.” David says, “Yeah, they’re so lazy. They have no idea what it’s like

to work on this side of the building.” And Linda says, “Will we get any extra

money for the extra work?” And David says, “No, of course not.” And before you

know it, they’re both frustrated. They’re both upset and no solution is being

solved. They’re focusing on the problem and not the solution. So let’s look at a

better way to handle that. Let’s say option number two is to minimize the

damage. So Linda recognizes there’s bait that’s been thrown out. So now,

instead of getting emotional and getting wrapped up in the emotions, she looks at


the logic and tries to find the good. So the logic is, the Simpson project is a lot of

work. The boss picked you to do it? She must really like your work. She finds a

positive there. David says, “Yeah, she really likes that I won’t say no.” And

Linda says, “Oh, you’re dependable. That’s what we’re supposed to be. Good

job there.” She’s finding the positive. Notice she’s not taking the bait. She’s not

going down that path with David. David says, “Yeah, um thanks.” Linda says, “I

appreciate you warning me. I will make sure I’m ready for the project. We’ll do a

great job on it. We better get to it.” David says, “True. It’s going to be so much

work.” Linda says, “It will sure look good on our resumes.” David says, “Geez,

you’re perky this morning.” Linda says, “You should see me in the afternoon.”

See, she pulled him out of it. She didn’t allow this to become a big issue. And

oh my, this is horrible, this is awful. She was able to lighten the mood, focus on

the positive, and stay unemotional. Hence she was able to think clearly. Now

here’s some tips for focusing on better communication. Focus on the solution

and not the problem. We want to avoid the sky-is-falling thinking. Not every

hurdle is the great wall. So don’t let simple problems snowball into catastrophes.

Assess every situation separately and realistically. Consider the grand scheme

of things. Is this problem really that big? And stop expecting the worst. Instead

of thinking what if I mess up, think how can I make the best possible impression?

For example, drop the should-have thinking. We all make choices in life and

we’ve all got our own reasons for those choices. See, each choice you make is a

moment in time and you learn from the consequences of those choices. Instead

of thinking, oh, I should have – think this time, I will. And open yourself to new


possibilities. Lastly, change your negative thoughts into positive ones. Instead

of looking for the problems, again look for the solutions. Focus on the good

that’s happening versus the bad.

[End of recording.]


SIMPLE SCRIPTS MODULE FIVE – ADVANCED TIPS FOR EFFECTIVE RESULTS Module number five – Advanced Tips for Effective Results. Although today’s course is

about scripts, what you say is important. In fact, if you’re talking to someone in

person, seven percent of your communication is going to be your words. You

want to choose your words effectively. And today, we’ve given you all kinds of

scripts to be able to choose your words. But the truth is it’s only seven percent.

See, your tone is 38 percent. Consider the difference between these two

phrases that I’m about to say. First, “We appreciate your business.” Second,

“We appreciate your business [angry tone.]” They have two totally different

meanings. And it’s all based on the tone. I said the exact same words. So we

have to be careful when we’re using scripts that although the scripts do work, our

tone can drastically affect the meaning of those scripts. And lastly, if we’re in

person, we have to be even more cautious of our body language. Consider

these three images: A gentleman crossing his arms with a smile; a gentleman

crossing his arms with a stern look; and a lady crossing her arms that might be

cold. So do each of them have a different meaning? Absolutely. The guy with

the smile who’s crossing his arms might just not have anywhere to put his hands.

He might not have pants with the pockets, so he might just have his hands as a

place to put them. He’s just holding them. He’s not objecting to anything. He’s

just kind of relaxed and sitting there. The guy who has his arms crossed with the

stern face might be objecting. He might not like what you’re having to say, and

what he’s telling you is very stern, regardless of what his tone is doing. What’s

interesting is if your body language and your tone and your words disagree,


people are going to believe your body language first, your tone second, and your

words last. So be very, very careful that although these scripts we’ve given you

do work, you have to monitor your tone and your body language to get the true

results. Now how does this change when you’re on the phone? Your tone

bumps up to a whopping 83 percent. This means if you’re using any of these

scripts on the phone, you have to be even more cautious of the tone that you’re

using because your words are only 17 percent when you’re on the phone. So

let’s look at a few things to manage your tone and your inflections. Being

monotone and flat, is speaking kind of like this, often makes you sound bored.

This means you really don’t have any interest in what someone else is saying. If

you speak low and slow, this often can indicate that you’re depressed, that you

want to be left alone. This will often defer people from talking to you, and you

might not even realize that’s what’s happening. A high pitched, enthusiastic

emphatic voice often leaves you really excited. But it can also mean that you’re

not very trustworthy and can also imply that unfortunately, you’re not very smart,

either. So you have to monitor your tone and your inflection. Of course abrupt

speed with loud tone often comes off as mad. And high pitched unfortunately

doesn’t seem to be very trustworthy. Let me give you a tip here. If you want to

increase your credibility and authority, slow down just a little bit – not too slow, of

course, but not too fast. And drop your tone. Lower your voice by relaxing your

vocal chords and going from your nasal more into your chest with your voice.

You’ll come off more credible. And think about it – do you prefer to listen to

somebody who talks kind of up here and is out of their nasal? Or would you


rather listen to someone whose voice is deeper, a little easier to hear on the

ears? So in order to increase your credibility, slow down just a hair – not too

slow, of course – and make sure to drop your tone. Now one last tip is managing

the words you stress. The words you say as well as how you say them have a

huge impact of what someone’s thinking. Now have you ever said to somebody,

“You’re just being defensive.” And they go, “No I’m not. What do you mean?”

See, defensive isn’t necessarily the words you use. It’s how you say the words

you’re using. It’s managing the stress on specific words. For example, if I were

to say the sentence, “How would you like us –“ excuse me. “What would you like

us to do about that?” If I was being defensive, I’d say, “What would YOU like us

to do about it?” That’s defensive. If I was curious, what would you like US to do

about it? If I was empathetic, what would you like us to do about it? Each one,

I’m using the exact same words. But the tone and what I’m stressing is radically

different. So in order to be able to get the results you want, there’s three main

components. You’ve got to put great words. We’ve given you some amazing

scripts today to be able to say the exact words to get the results and hit a home

run every single time. But you’re going to have to monitor your tone. Make sure

you’re using appropriate tone with appropriate stressing on the right words. And

lastly, monitor your body language. Make sure your body language isn’t

sabotaging you by saying something totally different than your words and your

tone. And lastly, great words, plus proper tone and body language equals the

exact right message. And when you can put all these together, you can get the


communication that you deserve and the effectiveness that you’ve been looking

for.

[End of recording.]

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