sheepish duck #3
DESCRIPTION
Sheepish Duck is a famous American humor magazine written by some kids in Rhode Island.TRANSCRIPT
Sheepish duck
Volume 3
2
Cover drawing by
Eli Kelley
3
Contents
Advertisements 4 Magnificent Advice 5-6 I Review the World 7 Strange Creatures 8, 9 Right Here In Jail 9 Things on my Mind 10 A Deep Thought 11 A True But Little Known Fact 12 Chickens vs. Barrington 13 Things I Want to Do 14 Interesting Interview 15 Badder, Bad, OK, Good 17 Logic 18 Household Objects Go Rogue 20 Dream House 21 Novonyms 22-23 Dr. Wisteria/The Barrington Beat 24 The Chain 25 Strange Creatures 26-27 Coming Soon! 28 Short Story 29 Food Stuff 30-36 Poetry by People 37-54 Fake Poll 55 3 More Poems & 1 Cartoon 58 Contributors 64-65
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5
Magnificent Advice
by Dr. Magnificent
Dear Dr. Magnificent,
Why can’t people grow plums on people?
Signed,
Plummed Out
Dear Plummed,
This is ridiculous! That is not asking of advice!
Therefore, I am not answering your question. I think
you should have a mental check with a doctor. Tell
someone about your thoughts. They need to know
how sane you are. You know what? I’m calling the
hospital right now. Good-bye.
Sincerely,
Dr. Magnificent
6
Who is Dr. Magnificent?
OK. You all have begged and begged for information
from Dr. Magnificent (me), for I am the most perfect
man in the world. (Best artist, best author and best cat
hair dresser. These are only hobbies in my awesome
life.)
Well, I have my diet caviar with mango, special
breakfast, served to me by my butler, Coverlie.
My spa date is in 5 minutes, so ta-ta.
Sincerely,
Dr. Magnificent
7
I REVIEW The WORLD
The Tooth Fairy
By The Person Writing This
Hi, this is The Person Writing This. Today I will tell you
what I think of the Tooth Fairy. Is the Tooth Fairy
using disappearing leprechaun gold instead of a dollar
bill? Recent undercover spies say yes. Strange
shipments have been coming in from the leprechauns’
gold mine, suggesting Mrs. Fairy is in cahoots with
them. Children across the world are complaining of
disappearing dollar bills. The Tooth Fairy has admitted
to changing currency of gold to bills, but nothing else.
The final word from spies is that she is using
leprechaun gold. It disappeared as soon as our spy
waved a glitter-plant scanner over it. When we
brought it up to the Tooth Fairy, she went delirious
and started screaming about the state of the economy. She is
now in a coma under strict supervision.
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Jessica Wan
9
By Mr. 17053
Right here in jail I’m going to kill time
by looking at a picture of a stack of
candy that’s HUGE with all colors.
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Things on my mind
Scissors should be pronounced skizzirs
People bowing to a giant kitty
Bamboo in a tuxedo
Tiny monsters holding pencils in their
teeth
Glitter plants STILL aren’t sold every where
Stars are bright
Monkeys are fun
Teeth can be a nuisance
It smells like ham
Harrumph
Fun with purple
Girls shouldn’t wear ties
I like llamas
The cookie timer is going off
OMG! The cookie timer is going off!
Kerry Eller
11
A Deep Thought By Mr. 17053
One day I went to school and had a math
test.
Jessica Wan
12
ren’t we a happy American country?
If so, then why do Presidents frown
in their portraits? A true but little
known fact: In the National Presidential Portrait
Gallery, nine out of sixty pictures have smiling
presidents!
Kerry Eller
A
13
When she was little, my Mom had chickens.
So that inspired me, so I said, “Mom, can we
get chickens?”
“That’s a good idea,” she said.
So we called the Town Hall of Barrington
because we didn’t know if getting chickens
was allowed.
“We’re having a vote in April,” they said.
“Why do we have to wait until April?” I said.
My Mom said, “It’s their choice. I’m sorry.”
Dear Reader: The next chapter is called THE VOTE.
Chickens vs.
BARRINGTON!
By Ben Freiman
14
Things I want to do
Climb a mountain
Pat a duck
Sky dive
Own a library
Be fluent in 5 languages
See teeth out of someone’s mouth
Fly
Meet 30 different authors
See a duck in a tuxedo
Read 50,000 books in my lifetime
Watch a duck fly
Figure out why you can’t turn lights on in
the car
Reverse global warming
Find a beavecoon
Eat 90 different types of cookies
Hug a salamander
Have a conversation with a cow
Sing, hum and whistle without family
yelling
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Interesting interview In which we ask people to answer our questions
Kendall Jones: How interesting is it possible for a catfish to
be?
Brenda: Not very, unless he is rainbow.
KJ: Bing?
Brenda: Boom.
KJ: What would you do if you had no pie, no gum,
no clothes, and Katy Perry, Lady Gaga and Justin Bieber were
in a fight over a mic?
Brenda: I would cry.
KJ: What if you’re rusty?
Brenda: I would run to Canada.
KJ: Do you shower on T-shirts?
Brenda: On Sundays.
KJ: How do you feel? You are the first one to finish, next to
Oprah. You weren’t supposed to get this far.
Brenda: I feel like I could eat a banana.
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Donkey
Poop Curling Cows Aliens
Smoking Having a
bald spot Surgeries Sushi
Superman Getting shot Cereal Erasers
Dinosaur
vomit Paranoia Coats Movies
Murderers Kleptomania Trading
cards Burritos
Depression Santa
Sicko
toddlers
with knives
Tom Brady
Chicken
butt Vandalism Bacon Audi A8
Kidnappers Stainless
Steel doors Watermelon Candy
The name
Bob Doritos
Video
Games
Jack Killilea
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LOGIC By Dylan Ingham
3-2-11
Nothing of the purple hedgehog. Breaking goo!
Cactuses just called war on honks? …To-be-Contin-u-
ed! Donkeys are superior to caterpillars, yet donkeys
are kind to their unsuperiors. Now, if caterpillars were
taught poetry, they would doom donkeys! Cussin!
Wussin! Thing-a-ma-bob! Yargma-Jargma-Fargme-
woo! But, nothing of the purple hedgehog.
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HOUSeHOLD
OBJECTS
GO ROGUE
ight blub = it has sunglasses and a bowtie
Refrigerator = hula skirt and rainbow
tentacles shooting out
Kitchen counter = every time you enter the kitchen
it leaves a message for you
Duct tape = changes color to your mood
Duck = gives advice every 30 seconds
Jewelry = you think of the piece that you want and
it will hop to your body
Kerry Eller
L
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22
Novonyms
arthroscope: visual joint exam
craniary: relating to the skull
clandure: the condition of being close
terrasophic: land that has wisdom
servosity: to keep fullness
semiosis: half diseased
octaopia: eight eye defects
novonym: new word
facy: quality of making
chlorohood: the condition of being green
harruma: to tell of swelling
mitology: the science of letting go
idioid: resembling peculiarness
hemoid: resembling blood
dyness: state of power
decar: a person who is ten
crasspathy: feeling thick
zoonym: the word of animal life
cotyliatric: the cup of healing practice
heteroness: the quality of being different
hydraholic: one with an obsession of moisture
gastrlith: stomach fossil
gradlog: to step next to speech
staily: in what manner of standing
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spirile: capable of breathing
spiciasis: to look at a diseased condition
maxlog: the greatest speech
cryptoholic: the secret of obsession
candisium: a place of glowing
Kerry Eller
24
Dr. Wisteria saw the Mona Lisa in person and discussed the
penalties of this crime with her. Meanwhile, Mr. Backward
looked at the Mona Lisa with two keen eyes and found
fingerprints. The analysis began. The two suspects, Ted &
Ted, are twins. They are identical. As the world searches, we
watch & wait.
Mustache on the Mona Lisa D r . w i s t e r i a & M r . B a c k w a r d o n t h e c a s e
Eli Kelley
25
Introducing:
The Chain! An awesome band
Sometimes guitar, drummer & singer: Eli
Eli has a frog named Frogo and two kittens.
Guitarist: Henry
Henry has orange hair with a bikini and he rocks.
Pianist: Davis
Davis is a baseball dude with lots of talent singing.
Small instrument player and singer: Ben
Ben is a weirdo with brown curly hair and an awesome
personality with band talent.
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COMING SOON!
Dr. Exanoid A Novella by Evan Stabach
“A literary masterpiece.” Ron Charles, The Washington Post
29
Blue Chicken
rt thou chicken blue? Why do people yearn
for the dead chicken, un-skinned? Why does
blue have to be blue? Why can’t chicken by
blew? Why doesn’t blue chicken stink like blue
cheese? Who likes blue chicken? It totally stinks (no
offense to the fat, juicy chicken) because he totally
humiliates the Thanksgiving dinner table.
Why do you have to debone it? Isn’t that greatly
stupid that you yearn for a fresh scent of mango in
the air, while bearing the smell of blue chicken! Why
can’t it be Justin Beaver? Why does it have to be blue
chicken at the Thanksgiving table? Why not the blew
chicken? Why does it have to be turkey?
It is turkey at the Thanksgiving table!
A
By Eli Kelley
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31
Baking Lemons
I can hear it, smell it, and taste it.
Baking lemons.
That’s all I can think about when I look.
Baked Lemons:
lemons
brown sugar
silicone baking mat
You sprinkle lemons on the silicone baking
mat. Next, you powder the brown sugar over
the lemons. Oven to 300. Bake until sugar is
melted and syrupy. Cool for 30 minutes or
until cooled.
Kendall Jones
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How To Make Bacon Guacamole
By Ben Frieman
Do you know how to make Bacon Guacamole?
Well, it’s your lucky day. I will teach you
how to make Bacon Guacamole.
You need:
1. 3 avocados, mashed
2. 1 clove of garlic, minced
3. 2 pieces of bacon, cooked
4. 3 limes, juiced
Cut up the bacon
and mix it up with
the other ingredients.
Now you have made
Bacon Guacamole.
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Recipe #1 Recipe #2
1 part vinegar 1/20 mustard
2 parts mustard 1/20 red wine vinegar
7 parts hot sauce 2/20 salad
2 parts crushed potato chips 5/20 milk
1 part croutons 3/20 yogurt
1 part pureed celery & carrots 1/20 cheese
2 parts mayo 3/20 dough
3 parts butter 1/20 pizza sauce
2 parts pureed cheese pizza 2/20 anchovies
1 part gummy bears
Put in blender. Mix well and drink.
Hit puree. Get out of school.
Drink.
Get out of school.
(Sheepish duck not liable for anything bad.)
Kendall Jones
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Hannah Kirchner
35
Mrs . Cook’s poem
Mrs. Cook always cooks.
Every second, minute, hour and day.
The only time she doesn’t cook
is on Monday, Tuesday, and Friday.
Mrs. Cook can never stop talking.
Every day she goes “Blah, blah, blah.”
Mrs. Cook is short and round.
She always thinks she’s tall and skinny.
But she so is not like that.
And she…
TO BE CONTINUED…
Jessica Wan
36
Fun Dip
Ingredients: Sugar
Nothing else.
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&
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I Want One Free!
I want one free.
Yes free, as you can
See, I want one
Free, inside me
Something says,
I WANT ONE
FREE!
Yes free! FREE!
Jessica Wan
39
Not About Darth Vader Pen
The pen isn’t brown
nor orange nor pink.
It’s not #002 in series 7.
It’s not a pen with a cap.
It’s not wearing a tuxedo
or saying things that aren’t
too good to say out loud.
And it is not using a porcupine
as a self-defense weapon.
And…
it isn’t using pink and purple
glitter ink.
Sam Trachtenberg
40
4th Grade
It’s about
pretty much
not
Kendall Jones
41
There are paintings in this room.
They are not wearing clothes.
They are not very colorful.
They are not walking.
They are not alive.
They are not alive to me.
They are not alive to anyone.
They are not alive to the painter.
They are not shaped like pigs.
They are not pigs.
They are not colored like pigs.
They are not pigs.
They are not alive.
They are not moving.
They are not.
Not.
Hannah Kirchner
42
In my mom’s closet,
her shoe collection.
All are black.
None are yellow lace polka dot,
or imprints of Pikachu,
or beaded explosives.
None are turquoise with purple pens,
or spilled white ink,
or made of duct tape.
None have plastic wraps of choo pillows,
or yellow banana foods,
or gory pus from the bloating of paper.
Only one is red and not made of leather,
with gold explosive embellishments.
Kendall Jones
43
I have baseball lipstick.
It’s not black as a tuxedo,
Or pink, purple, brown, yellow,
red, green, or grey.
What could it be?
It’s eye black.
Ben Frieman
There are not people who fly,
who soar in rainbow clouds,
who eat biscuits and drink tea
while sitting on a cloud,
who know terrasophic,
who have arthroscopes.
There aren’t people
who talk to cows,
who milifiank,
who plug themselves into outlets.
Well, there possibly are.
But they be strange.
Kerry Eller
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45
Not Poem
Picture frames
are not pigs,
U.F.O.s,
doves, dragons,
or a plasma screen TV.
Or anything else
in the world
except
picture frames.
Jack Killilea
46
:
Variations on
the MACARONIC*
* Poems that mix languages
by using text from
two very different places.
For example
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Roasted Lamb Circuits
A traditional meal
is to roast lamb and
install new circuits.
Watch out for the spark.
Terminal Vanilla Lemon Tarts
The metal tabs connecting
the screw terminals
which go well with
one tablespoon of lemon juice
and a bottle of vanilla.
Smelly, but good tasting.
Radioactive Chocolate
If you are working by yourself,
Adjust the radio to a high volume
So it will explode.
The pieces that are left
Can be flavored with chocolate.
Evan Stabach
Text: Wiring 1-2-3 + The Joy of Cooking
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Egypt’s economy
Should be removed
With a dull knife
And sprayed with
Detergent.
Pakistani arms
Need thorough grooming
At least once a week.
Apply conditioner and
Again rinse thoroughly.
Don’t forget to
Check the nails!
Henry Johnson
Text: The New York Times + The Field Guide to
Stains
49
One
epithalamium! (A poem celebrating a marriage.)
tv
Orange and Yellow.
The perfect color for the perfect pair.
As they kissed, static lit up the air.
A new couple was born.
Anonymous
50
the
Maxity
Series
maxity: (n.)a person who’s
the greatest
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Maxity
Who ever doesn’t love their self?
Boys love girls and girls love boys.
(eventually)
It’s a stupid concept.
Well,
Maxity is a very weird word.
It sounds like a name.
Maxwell, Max, Maximillion, or Maxity.
Everyone loves their self.
Even me.
I love me.
I heart me.
I have everything
A person needs
To have.
That is maxity!
I am Mr. Maxity!
Eli Kelley
52
Maxity:
A person who’s the greatest
is the best description of
me.
When I talk to others,
I say,
“I be Maxity”
and they ask what that means.
I, of course, reply
that it means
me.
Kerry Eller
53
Maxity
I am great.
Very great.
I am very, very, very, very
great.
Me.
Me,
The greatest person.
In the city?
In the state?
In the country?
In the continent?
Or in the world?
Evan Stabach
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Maxity 1
Who is the greatest?
I can’t show you, but I can give you clues…
It is a he.
He has gray hair and he lives in an apartment.
He was born in 1935.
Who could he be?
Grandpa
Maxity 2
Who is the greatest?
I will give you clues…
It is a she.
She dyed her hair and lives in an apartment.
She was born in 1940.
Who could it be?
Grandma
Maxity 3
Maxity 3 is a she.
She lives with me.
She was born in 1967.
She has three kids that are 9, 11 and 14.
Who could it be?
Mom
Ben Frieman
55
FAKE POLL
We asked 2,000,001 people what they think of hair.
70 people thought that hair was useful as a
peanut butter jar.
1,000,000 people did not know what hair is.
20 people had blue hair.
10 people had zero hair, but had screws (on a dare,
they shaved their heads and drove screws into their
heads.)
900 people thought bananas were T-shirts.
1 person thought of pie.
On our next fake poll we will ask:
Do you have a tuna casserole where your soul is?
I wonder what that place is called. The soul hole?
Also, I wonder where it is. In the back of your heart?
Kendall Jones
56
This page is blank on purpose.
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And so… He died from looking at his wife.
H
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2 more poems and 1
cartoon
I don’t want to know…
That the sky is blue.
That I’m a human being.
I don’t want to know…
That I am a girl.
And that I am done with this poem.
Jessica Wan
C
60
C o t y l I a t r I c
Cotyliatric—the cup of healing practice
Also known as the holy grail.
People waste their lives looking
for the cotyliatric.
But none will ever find it.
I shall tell you the secret,
So you aren’t one of those people.
I will tell you my secret.
The Cotyliatric Isn’t real
Because I made it up.
Kerry Eller
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This is PAGE 62.
63
Dylan Ingham
64
Benjamin Freiman is in
third grade. He is in a
band called "The Chain"
with five members.
Eli Kelley/Dr. Wisteria is a
3rd grader at Nayatt
School. When he's not
creating funny stories
with Bri and the gang, he
can be found playing
guitar, drums and singing
for his new band "The
Chain."
am Dylan Paul Ingham, 10
years old, and I believe in
talking Meese (a fake
plural word for "moose").
My favorite animals are
fennec foxes, wombats,
good tempered warthogs,
porpoises, tigers, panda
and desmans. I am.....me.
Jack Killilea is in 4th
grade
and wants to be a
historian. His dad cuts his
hair.
Sophie Liu moved away
and we are sad about it.
Kerry Eller / The Person
Writing This goes to
Barrington Middle School.
She has these wonderful
things called parents – do
you have any? - two of
them!!
Evan Stabach is in 4th
grade. He is adventurous
and fast, and he likes
skiing, swimming and
stories.
Kendall Jones is in 4th
grade. She has brown hair
that hangs down straight
and hazel eyes. Bubble
letters are her favorite
way to write, and she has
a cat named Matilda, a
Mom and Dad, and a
younger sister.
Sam Trachtenberg/ Mr.
17053 is in 4th grade and
likes video games and
CONTRIBUTORS
65
reading. He also likes to
goof around with his
friends.
Jessica Wan is a 3rd
grader. She likes writing and doodling. She likes drawing things such as dragons.
Hannah Kirchner / Dr.
Magnificent is in 5th
grade.
She likes ice cream and she
babysits four times a week.
Her ancestors are from
Germany.
Risa Wan enjoys writing art, and reading. She also loves animals and fantasy. Although she is only 12, Risa
plans on going to art school when she grows up.
EDITORS
Bri Johnson is teaching herself how to write poetry and short stories. She is a librarian. Brenna Morton is a senior
at the MET High School in
Providence. She likes corn
muffins and books. Bye
forever.
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Thank you for reading
Sheepish Duck!
How to reach us:
401-247-1920 x6
sheepishduck.tumblr.com
twitter.com/sheepishduck
Barrington Public Library
281 County Road
Barrington, Rhode Island
02806
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