s pring features - personaltransformation.com · s pring 1996 features volume 5 • number 3 33...

S P R I N G 1 9 9 6

FeaturesVOLUME 5 • NUMBER 3

33Crying: The

Releasing EmotionTo be fully human is to cry.

ALEXANDER LOWEN

35The Sacred Path of

Intimate RelationshipKnow your intrinsic goodness throughloving-kindness and self responsibility.

JOHN WELWOOD

40Sacred Communication

Conscious listening and talking createscloseness and safety in relationships.

SUE PATTON THOELE

44Business and the Mystic

The power of vision and intention at work.GAY HENDRICKS AND KATE LUDEMAN

49How the Happy-Ending

Fantasy is BornBonding with a fantasy of comfort in

childhood can become a life-long pattern.DAVID AND REBECCA GRUDERMEYER

AND LERISSA PATRICK

56Will I Be the Hero of My Life

Surrender, grace, and creative life force.CHETANANANDA

59Redefining Masculinity

Healing and rehabilitating masculinity.ANDREW KIMBRELL

64Nurturing the Wish to CreateDeveloping and acting on your creative desires.

ERIC MAISEL

70The Miracle of

Spiritual EvolutionAn interview with Richard Moss on the

emergence of profound spiritual possibilities.MARY NURRIESTEARNS

4 SPRING 1996 • PERSONAL TRANSFORMATION

6From the Publisher

Personal transformation is our dream.

9From the Editor

Transformation is anevolutionary process.

10Reflections

Letters from our readerson resurgence of writing,

projections, and more.

14Conscious NotesLaws that Change Lives–

Faith, Honesty, and Action.DAN MILLMAN

22The Love Prescription

TransformationsCLIFF TOWNER

29A Core of Love

TransformationsPAT DUFFY

82Society for the

Universal HumanAn organization prepares humans tosurvive into the next millennium as

loving citizens.MARY NURRIESTEARNS

83Calendar of Up-

coming Workshops,Seminars, and Events

98Walk Mindfully

on the EarthWe have an interdependentrelationship with the earth.

THICH NHAT HANH

DepartmentsS P R I N G 1 9 9 6

Before we can make friends with anyone else,we must first make friends with ourselves.

—Eleanor Roosevelt

JOH

NM

CA

NU

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Y

COVER: TONY STONE/RIC ERGENBRIGHT

FEATURE PAGE: TONY STONE/RANDY WALLS

BACK INSIDE PAGE (P.98) TONY STONE/DARRELL GULIN

We have a dream, a dream of making adifference in our society by publishing apowerful resource and catalyst for personaltransformation. We dream of promoting thedeepest kind of personal and spiritualtransformation, changing the world one

person at a time, beginning with ourselves.Whatever your spiritual path, we believe that a solid

foundation based in love, compassion, and mindfulness is aperquisite for profound and lasting transformation. We alsobelieve that by integrating our deepest spiritual nature withour outer personality we can realize true freedom.

Freed from our own internal resistances, and from theconfines of our self-imposed constraints, we are able to makeradical shifts in the way we live. By aligning our body, heart,and mind with our deeper spiritual nature we are trulyreleased, set free. With this freedom to be our highest self,essence, soul or “god self” we can change our world.

With this issue, we initiate PERSONAL TRANSFORMATION asthe name of our publication since the title more clearlyreflects our mission. We originally chose the name LOTUS

because of its sacred symbology. The lotus plant symbolizesmankind’s development into spiritual beings. Aftercontemplating a name change for some time we took actionthis year when we received over twelve hundred phone callsone month for Lotus software (a computer software companyof the same name).

Over the next couple of issues we will be adding newcolumns and departments to further our evolution.

We appreciate your commitment to personaltransformation.

Rick NurrieStearnsPublisher


LotusPersonal Transformation

PRESIDENT & PUBLISHER

Rick NurrieStearns

EDITOR

Mary NurrieStearns

ADVERTISING & MARKETING MANAGER

Jacki Brooks-Christie

MARKETING CONSULTANT

Tracy Beckes

MARKETING ASSISTANT

Mary Ann Vavalette

CIRCULATION MANAGER

Patricia McClure

LAYOUT & PRODUCTION

Rick NurrieStearns

ASSOCIATE EDITOR

Tina Rasmussen

COPY EDITOR

Kathryn Burke

Lotus, The Journal for Personal Transformation,(ISSN 1056-3954) is published five times a year (Octo-ber, December, February, May, July) by Lotus Publish-ing, Inc., 4032 South Lamar Blvd. #500-137, AustinTexas 78704. (918)683-4560. Copyright 1996 by LotusPublishing, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of this pub-lication may be reproduced or transmitted in any formor by any means, electronic or mechanical, includingphotocopying, recording, or by any information storageretrieval systems without written permission of LotusPublishing Inc. Lotus Publishing assumes no liabilityfor any material published herein. All statements arethe responsibility of the authors. Annual SubscriptionRates are: U.S. $19.95; Canada and Mexico $24.95.;Other countries $29.95. Single copies $4.95; Canada$6.00. Business office, Lotus Publishing, Muskogee, Ok.Application to mail at second-class postage rates ispending at Muskogee Ok. and at additional mailing of-fices. Postmaster: Send address changes and subscrip-tion requests to Lotus Publishing, Inc., 4032 SouthLamar Blvd. #500-137, Austin Texas 78704.

PRINTED IN THE USA.

ADVERTISING INFORMATION

800-775-6887 • 918-683-4560Fax 918-683-2466

SUBSCRIPTION INFORMATION

For address changes, questions,and adjustments, contact:Lotus Customer Service

4032 South Lamar Blvd. #500-137Austin, Texas 78704. Or call

800-775-6887

LIST RENTAL INFORMATION

Contact: Pacific List,100 Tamal Plaza Suite 50Corte Madera, CA 94925

415-945-9450 • Fax 415-945-9451

RETAIL INFORMATION

To learn how you can order risk-freecopies to sell in your location call

800-775-6887

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From thePublisher

9PERSONAL TRANSFORMATION • SPRING 1996

Evolution is a process through whichlatent possibilities are revealed. Per-sonal transformation is evolutionaryin that it frees us from past personalwounds and restrictive enculturationand moves us into loving relation-ships, creative living, and stewardship

with nature. In fact, not to evolve isto stagnate and repeat our personalhistory. Personal transformationcontributes to the evolution of ourspecies. Our present evolutionary cryis for individuals to join together inpreserving mother earth and creat-ing societies based on love, respect,and equality. This forward move-ment depends upon our unfoldingour essential natures, realizing ouroneness with all life forms, and bind-ing our creative power to loving-kindness.

Richard Moss, (p. 70) in our fea-tured interview, urges us not to becynical about our possibility to change. He stressesthat we must not compromise our sense of what ispossible in our growth and in our souls. We areeach here to discover what life wants of us and tobecome a servant to the possibility of what canawaken through us. He reminds us that life evolvedus so that we could bear witness to the miracle ofexistence. Life did not evolve us so that we couldlearn to destroy everything. With our incredibleintellects we have developed the ability to manipu-late the external world. Now we must master ourinternal worlds so that we may consciously and lov-ingly co-create with the universe, beauty, joy anddiversity within ourselves and around us.

John Welwood (p. 35) helps us appreciate ourintrinsic goodness. In relationships, when we regardthe other as the source of our happiness we abdicateresponsibility for our own experience. Becomingresponsible for own experience starts with caringabout and inquiring into what we are goingthrough, instead of judging or pushing it away.Thus we cultivate loving-kindness towards our-

selves, reuniting our hearts with our minds, and un-veiling our fundamental goodness.

Our evolution requires that we connect authen-tically with others as well as with ourselves. SueThoele (p. 40) describes deep listening as a gift anda blessing. She adds that we are dying in spirit for alack of deep listening. We feel compelled to talk,

and in our need to be heard we failto hear the hearts of those we love.The result is profound and poignantloneliness. She offers wonderful andsimple suggestions to help usbecome better listeners.

Personal transformation allows usto live as full human beings. Alexan-der Lowen (p. 33) reminds us thatthis includes the ability to cry freelyand deeply. Our tears and our sobswash us clean, renewing our spirit sothat we may rejoice again. Our es-sential nature is also creative. EricMaisel (p. 64) helps us to utilize ourcreativity. When we have the im-

pulse to create something challenging, we moveforward because we want the experience so badlythat we accept beforehand all the difficulties andanxieties we are likely to encounter.

LOTUS is also evolving. With this issue we beginthe transition into our new name, PERSONAL

TRANSFORMATION. We chose the name Lotus orig-inally because of its beautiful and rich spiritual sym-bology. However, PERSONAL TRANSFORMATION

more clearly reflects our mission to contribute topersonal and societal healing and evolution.

May this issue sustain your transformationaljourney and give you MORE… more self-acceptance,more connection to your deepest core, more selfknowledge, and more capacity to be loving.

Welcome to PERSONAL TRANSFORMATION.

Mary NurrieStearnsEditor

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From the Editor...evo•lu•tion (ev´ loo´ sh n) unfolding, opening out, or working out; a process of development; or agradual, progressive change.

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R E S U R G E N C E O F W R I T I N G

Being a recent subscriber to LOTUS Magazine, I am gratified to find thateach of the three issues I have received so far contains topics that seemed tospeak to things I am currently dealing with in my own life process.

The issue on creativity and references to the Artist’s Way was particu-larly timely for me, for I was at that time experiencing a resurgence of in-terest in writing, which has been dormant for some time now.

In the “Transformations” section of the Anniversary 1995 issue, I couldespecially relate to Jacqueline Kramer’s story, having been a victim of theChronic Fatigue Syndrome myself; I have also experienced a life-alteringaccident, although not as severe as Linda Clark (Winter 1995 issue).

As I continue in my process of personal transformation, I eagerly awaitthe forth-coming issues and the topics they will cover. Thank you for agreat magazine!—Judy Hayes, Monterey, Maryland.

P R O J E C T I O N S

Several years ago, in your Winter 1992 issue to be exact, my twin sisterwrote to you, and revealed in Letters to the Editor, some personal thoughtsshe had on the “Shadow.” At the time she implied that I, as a shadow ofherself, had not used my body wisely.

No, I did not do drugs or drink too much. I just had not become thephysical fitness maniac that she had. I have been nursing these wounds fora few years and now three years later LOTUS has brought me revengethrough the article in your most recent issue on “projections.”

Now that my sister has read this article, she knows that, “When youlook around your world and see something that angers or revolts you, it isbecause the same thing (or quality or trait) lives unconsciously within your-self.” She knows that it is not important for me to be Ms. Middle-Aged-Muscle-Woman. But why is she projecting such an image onto me?

Incidentally, one thing my sister and I have always agreed on is that weboth enjoy reading LOTUS. Keep the ammunition coming. the defenders ofthe shadow and those who would project love it.—Venitia Eubanks, Gore,Oklahoma.

M O R E P R O J E C T I O N S

Thank you for the article on projections (Winter 1995). This is themost comprehensive material on projections that I have ever come across.

Reflections

From Our Readers

P L E A S E T U R N T O P A G E 1 2

SPRING 1996 • PERSONAL TRANSFORMATION

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Since reading the material I havebeen faced with one of the biggestchallenges of my adult life, that offacing up to the person (andmyself) when I catch myself pro-jecting on them.

I am amazed at what lengths myego mind will go in trying to justifymy position so I can be right. I feellike a little boy who’s been caughtlying.—Lon McGraft, St. Louis,Missouri.

G U I D I N G L I G H TH A S D I E D

A guiding light of the New Agehas died. Ken Keyes, author ofHandbook to Higher Conscious-ness and The Hundredth Monkeyamong other influential bookspassed away on December 12th.People all over North America andthe world feel a special bond toKen, mainly through his books, butalso through his many workshopsand seminars on Love and WorldPeace over the past twenty-fiveyears.

I’d like your readers to knowthat anyone interested in helpingto continue his efforts to heal theplanet can contact Key to Life. Keyto Life is a new company foundedby Ken’s co-workers to carry on hislatest (and greatest) creation.

Inquiries can be sent to: Key toLife, 1620 Thompson Road, CoosBay, OR 97420; (800)545-7810 or(541)267-6412—Lee McFadden,Coos Bay, Oregon.

N E W C O M E R

I am a recent newcomer toLOTUS, and was immediately takenby your ability to present spiritualand transformation in a grounded,intelligent, and accessible manner.Your magazine is a standout amongthe blur of publications now

Reflections

RICHARD MOSS

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THE LAW OF FAITHSome of us believe we trust our-

selves but on closer examination,we discover that we actually trustmental knowledge, theories, andbeliefs that came from someoneelse–a book, a teacher, a guide.Those of us who have issues withself-trust tend to rely on scientists,“experts,” psychics, oracles, gurus,or others to advise us and to vali-date our views; we may searcheverywhere but within to find our-selves. Just as some people giveaway their power, we may discardour inner wisdom and then look forit elsewhere, becoming “seekers oftruth,” spiritual vagabonds, or sem-inar addicts, traveling from oneteacher or workshop to the next,looking for new information thatmay satisfy or fulfill us. But we willnever find fulfillment until we dis-cover it within ourselves–not as alarge storehouse of information butas a direct channel to the infinitewisdom available to us all.

Expert guidance certainly has itsvalue, especially from the trulywise. No need for example to learn

tennis by ourselves when a goodcoach can save some time. But weneed to develop more trust in ourown deepest intuition and wisdomas the final arbiter and source ofour decisions.

The Law of Faith reminds us totrust the Spirit within ourselves, totake a leap of faith into the possi-bility that we may know far morethan we now recognize. This lawentails more than raising our self-concept, however; trust cuts acrossevery domain until we see Spiritoperating at every level, not onlywithin ourselves but within othersand in the world.

Trusting Spirit does not requirea belief in an external God. Ratherit involves trusting in the inherentwisdom and laws of the universeand in the mysterious process ofour l i fe with al l i ts ups anddowns–knowing that wherever westep, the path appears beneath ourfeet.

When we say, “I trust myselfcompletely,” we are most often re-ferring to our conscious self–ourmind or ego. This kind of self-trustwon’t take us far because the egocan only access limited data. Whenwe come to consider the possibilitythat a mysterious energy of infinitewisdom, patience, and compassionis operating in, as, and throughourselves and everyone else, weopen doors to a new experience oflife. When we realize this level oftrust, our life changes forever.

I use the term Spirit to refer tothis higher energy, but whatevername we use, when we truly cometo trust this higher energy or Spirit

working behind the scenes accord-ing to its own laws, then we canalso trust that part of Spirit we call“ourselves” and “others.”

We can always feel this connec-tion and this trust in our heart. Butfirst we have to get out of our head.This means coming to trust ourbody’s instinctive wisdom abouthow to move, what to eat, when tohave sex, and how to heal our-selves–letting the body do the job itis here to do, without the mind’sinterference with theories andphilosophies. For self-trust to reachits most profound degree, it mustoccur on all levels of ourbeing–physical, mental, emotional,and spiritual.

A corollary to the Law of Faithcan be stated thus: Self-trust comesthrough direct experience, which re-minds us to pay attention first toour own experience, not to advicefrom a book or teacher. Improvisa-tional dancing, martial arts andother sports, and playing a musicalinstrument are all good ways to de-velop a trust in our body’s innateability to move without thinking,following its own wisdom. Wecome to trust our body’s ability totake care of itself without philoso-phies; we discover what our bodyknows and can do what is needed assoon as we listen and let it show us.

Challenge courses, such as thePeaceful Warrior Intensive or the“high ropes course,” can demon-strate in dramatic ways that bytrusting our body we can do morethan we might have believed, lead-ing to higher levels of self-trust.But even in everyday life we meet

Laws ThatChange Lives

D A N M I L L M A N

CONSCIOUS NOTES


challenges that test us, and we facesimilar kinds of opportunities totest and develop our connection todeeper levels of trust.

The Law of Faith also teachesus to trust our mind, not in thesense of its ability to store informa-tion, but in its ability to accesshigher wisdom. We realize that ourbrain doesn’t just operate as a filingcabinet or computer but also as aradio that can tune in to any sta-tion. In other words, informationdoesn’t come from our brain; itcomes through our brain.

Trusting ourselves meanssweeping our beliefs out of the wayand trusting our deepest intuitions.Our feeling sense conveys messagesfrom the subconscious, which canhelp us make faster, more compre-hensive decisions than the con-scious mind with its insufficientdata. Beyond that, what we call in-tuition can draw upon the sameuniversal intelligence that mani-fests as spiritual laws.

Those of us who trust Spirit,work with it directly. The more wetrust ourselves, the more we feel ahigher order of wisdom and love atwork in every aspect of our lives.Self-trust involves a willingness tomake “mistakes” and learn fromthem for our highest good.

We are all tested by Spirit inorder to learn. In every situation,every challenge or difficulty, theuniversal teacher operates throughour life experience to let us see ourpresent levels of trust, faith, andalignment with spiritual law.

Alan Watts said, “Beware ofteachers who pick your pocket andthen sell you your own wallet.”Ironically, that’s all any teacher cando, even the best-intentioned one,because the treasure is alreadyinside each of us; no one can giveus anything we don’t already have.

All any teacher can do is to providesome keys to help unlock our owndoor. Teachers may save us sometime but they can only point theway; the beginning and end of thejourney is inside of ourselves.

Those of us with issues aroundself-trust need to remember thatultimately we are the experts onour own life. By trusting the Spiritwithin ourselves, we come to trustthe same Spirit in others and beginto feel safe in the world.

Ultimately, the Law of Faith re-minds us of the transcendentwisdom of the universe reflected in

the old religious adage, “Godworks in mysterious ways.” Suchfaith is not merely believing orhoping that all circumstances serveus or that divine justice is operatingwhen we skin our knee. Faith is adirect recognition based on higherwisdom; it entails the courage totrust that whatever happens canserve our highest good.

THE LAW OFEXPECTATIONS

Do we form beliefs based on ourexperience or do we create experi-ences based on our beliefs? Experi-ences and expectations do of courseinfluence one another, but whilemost of us may credit the logicaland psychological idea that our be-liefs are primarily shaped by ourexperience, the Law of Expecta-tions states it the other way around.What we believe or expect, over timeat the deepest or subconscious levels,tends to shape our external reality.

Everything is a form of energy;our mind shapes that energy intomanifest form and color the filtersthrough which we see the world.Almost since infancy, we havestored programmed sensitivitiesand expectations into our subcon-scious. Those of us who expect that“people can’t be trusted” find evi-dence that supports this belief

The key to applying the Law ofExpectations is to create new ex-pectations, based not on blind faithbut on clear intention. This lawhelps to take us beyond our previ-ously assumed limits, themselvesgenerated by earlier beliefs and ex-pectations that may have beenformed within the first months oflife.

What we expect tends to appearin our life because we set in motionsubtle psycho-physical forces; likeattracts like. We achieve only to

The Law ofFaith isfounded uponthe recognitionthat we knowmore than wehave read,heard, orstudied; weknow morebecause we aremore; we havea direct linkto universalwisdom; weonly have tolook, listen,and trust.


our expected or assumed limits. Inpsychology, this commonly recog-nized phenomenon is called the self-fulfilling prophecy. In one example,three very popular boys in a highschool agreed to take part in a psy-chology experiment. For severalweeks, they started acting very at-tentive and friendly to a girl whowas perceived as very nice but ex-tremely shy, plain looking, and un-popular. They treated her as if shewere very attractive and popular.As a result, she showed marked,even dramatic changes in the wayshe dressed and acted.

She had previously expected tobe rejected and ignored, and shewas. This experience changed herexpectations, which in turn createda new experience of life. Theseboys initially changed her experi-ence by breaking the old expecta-tions that held her friends at bay.She formed new beliefs about herappeal which shifted her behaviorso that even when the study ended,her life had changed.

An extensive study conducted byDr. Kenneth Pelletier on the fac-tors contributing to longevity re-vealed a list of factors associatedwith long-lived people, such asfewer illnesses, youthful appear-ance, a sense of humor, and enjoy-able work, along with lifestyle fac-tors, such as diet and exercise. Thestudy concluded however that theprimary factor in longevity waspeople’s expectations. The peoplewho had truly expected to live along time did; those who didn’texpect to live as long didn’t–despiteany other factors. This study servesas testimony to the power of expec-tations.

This doesn’t necessarily meanthat if we worry about gettingcancer or having an automobile ac-cident or losing a loved one that

these thoughts are somehow goingto make such things occur. Suchideas are only more superstitiousworry, and our concerns need to beaddressed, shared openly withsomeone and cleared so that ourmind can focus on other things.Nor does this law imply that if wemake affirmative statements a hun-dred times a day about attractingwealth or people or personal powerthat we will suddenly change ourlife.

The subconscious provides the keyto creating experience. On a con-scious level, some people mayworry a lot about getting cancerbut their subconscious may nothave the slightest concern or ex-

pectation of such an illness. Peoplewho go around repeating positivesayings to themselves all day mayform an idea or intent but if theirsubconscious expects to remain justwhere they are, that’s where they’llstay.

One way to see what we subcon-sciously expect is to look at our livesright now–at the pleasant and theunpleasant. Our current problemsreveal our negative expectationsand our current blessings revealour positive-expectations. Once weappreciate the influence of our ex-pectations on our present life, wecan take steps to change the expec-tations that no longer serve us. Wecan set new expectations or as-sumptions in motion right now; wedon’t have to wait for experiencesto confirm them–we can createthese experiences inside.

Researchers have created sub-liminal tapes that play positivemessages below the level of con-scious recognition, with the ideathat these suggestions reach oursubconscious to change our life.While this is a sound theory, nei-ther affirmations nor subliminaltapes have much impact unless ac-companied by two key factors.First, we need to create vivid visualimages that include sound and sen-sation–and use as many senses aspossible–of ourselves with morefriends, more money, or more ofanything we desire. Such images,over time, can and do create im-pressions within our subconscious,which doesn’t differentiate stronglybetween the experiences we have inthe world and those we create orvisualize inside.

Second, we need to notice anycontradictory messages that come upwhen we state what we want orhave, then state these contradictorymessages, as negative as they may

Energy followsthought; wemove towardbut not beyondwhat we canimagine. Whatwe assume,expect, orbelieve colorsand creates ourexperience. Bychanging ourexpectations,we change ourexperience ofevery aspectof life.

CONSCIOUS NOTES

17

seem, aloud in an exaggerated fash-ion. For example, if we state or vi-sualize that we have financial inde-pendence but notice a feeling orthought that tells us, “This is silly;you’re nearly broke,” say it aloud.Say it ten times if necessary. WearGroucho Marx glasses or say it asMae West or Jack Nicholsonmight say it. This helps to clear thecontradictory messages that get inthe way of forming clear, consis-tent, positive expectations.

Once we change our expecta-tions about ourselves, other people,and the world–not just pretend tochange them but actually changethem– we can change the shape ofour life.

THE LAW OF HONESTYWithin the context of our life

purpose, as we explore the biggerpicture and meaning of our lives,the Law of Honesty points to higherlaws and inner consequences that areinstant, inevitable, and inescapable. Itincludes, but does not focus on, ex-ternal codes of behavior.

The Law of Honesty centersaround honesty with ourselves–ourinternal integrity. This law is usefulfor any of us but especially so forthose of us who tend to deceivethemselves with rationalizations–those of us who have issues aroundhonest expression or action. Seeingthe truth and inevitable conse-quences of this law can help us turnour life around.

This law speaks to a largerdrama being played out–one inwhich we cannot truly deceiveanyone but ourselves. If we everallow impulses of envy, greed, ormanipulation to determine our ac-tions or influence our expression,the consequences of these actionsare already built into the mechanics

Mystic Fire

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SPRING 1996 • PERSONAL TRANSFORMATION18

PersonalTransformation

It is our dream to contribute to the creation of a loving, respectfulsociety by being a powerful resource and catalyst for personaltransformation through disseminating the most transformative materialavailable. We are devoted to promoting the deepest kind of personal andspiritual transformation, thereby hoping to heal the world one person ata time.

We respect your commitment to personal and spiritual growth andknow that you desire, and are making, profound changes in your life.That is why PERSONAL TRANSFORMATION goes beyond popularpsychology and self-help material and focuses directly on material thatwill transform your life.

Our aspiration is to be a worldwide source for sound psychologicaland spiritual information that supports personal transformation. We aimto remind you of your vast potential and to provide you withinspiration, issue after issue. We hope your relationship with PERSONAL

TRANSFORMATION will sustain you on your evolutionary path, challengeyour natural urge to know yourself deeply, and inspire you to followyour highest aspirations.

For customer service:Call 800-775-6887 • Fax 918-683-2466Or write to:Personal Transformation4032 South Lamar Blvd #500-137Austin Texas 78704-7900

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Occasionally you may receive arenewal or payment reminderafter you have already mailed usyour reply to the previous notice.Should this happen, it probablymeans our correspondence hassimply crossed in the mail. If youreceive a second notice after youhave sent in your payment orrenewal instruction, pleasecontact us. There might be aproblem.

MISSING OR DAMAGED MAILWe will act promptly to

correct any problems in service.Contact us and we will replacethe missing issue (inventorypermitting) or gladly add anissue to your subscription.MAILING LISTS

Occasionally we make oursubscribers’ names available tocompanies whose products andservices we feel might be ofinterest. If you would like yourname excluded from thesemailings, simply send yourrequest to: PersonalTransformation, 4032 SouthLamar Blvd. #500-137, AustinTexas, 78704-7900.

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TRANSFORMATION with people youcare about and we get the magazineexposed to potential subscribers.Our biggest challenge has beenfinding and communicating withpotential readers. Each year we mailhundreds of thousands ofadvertisements; unfortunately 98%of them end up in the trash orrecycling bin. We see this as atremendous waste. Please help uscreate a more loving, respectfulsociety.

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of the universe and of our ownpsyche.

Those of us working with issuesof integrity on our life path maytend at times to ignore or bendhigher laws in the sense of notliving up to our inner light. Attimes we can be like the child whofurtively takes a candy bar andpockets it, thinking and hoping itwill turn out okay, while the child’smother watches from the end ofthe aisle.

We don’t need to be punishedfor breaking spiritual law or higherlaws; the act itself is the “punishment”and sets into motion subtle forceswhose natural consequences wecannot escape any more than wecan escape the force of gravity.

Those of us who slip into lowerlevels of integrity often don’t real-ize we’re doing it. We must lie toourselves before we can lie toothers. When we speak with“forked tongues” or mixed motives,we are not yet integrated. We haveto achieve such integration in orderto speak with integrity; we can’thave a part of ourselves meaningone thing and another part mean-ing another. The first step in hon-esty entails reconciling our ownconflicting parts so we can say whatwe mean and mean what we say,

When our internal parts worktogether, when we stop lying toourselves or deceiving others, whenwe know deep down that we’reacting with integrity despite im-pulses to do otherwise, we feelgates of higher energy and inspira-tion open inside of ourselves.

When we speak or act dishon-estly, these gates shut. This is not apunishment, but simply the wayour psyche works. The saying,“Cheaters never prosper” alwaysapplies in the long run becausecheaters’ own psyches will not letthem have inner peace, no matter

how rewarding their external cir-cumstances may appear to be. Self-sabotage, down the line, is builtinto every dishonest act–even if weonly deceive ourselves.

Some of us imagine that we aregetting away with little schemes,maneuvers, and frauds for yearswhile justifying and rationalizingour actions, and then we wonder

why our lives aren’t working outthe way we had hoped. We mayimagine that we are getting awaywith something because we don’tget caught but we are caught everytime, by ourselves. As the JohnLennon song goes, “Instantkarma’s gonna get you.”

To use an extreme example,when we read the newspapers andsee millionaire drug pushers livinga life of opulence, we may imaginethat they are escaping punishment,but we have only to glance insidetheir psyches to see the internalconsequences and causes of theirbehavior. “Bad” people don’t go tohell; they are already in hell. That’swhy they act so badly.

When we are dishonest in anyway, with ourselves or with othersintentionally or not, our internalparts fight one another and ourinner sense of spirit or inspirationfades. We feel cut off and alone,and we attract whatever lessons weneed to learn. Concepts of moralitymay change but consequences areabsolute.

Dishonesty tends to take on dif-ferent forms, such as lying to our-selves and others or seeking moneyor power for their own sakes, at theinevitable cost of our self-respect.Some of us are used to makingrules rather than following them.We forget or ignore our culture’sstandards of honesty and integrity,bending rules to suit our own de-sires, turning our backs on the lightwithin ourselves. Whenever we cutcorners for expediency or when-ever the ends seem to justifymeans, we may not always reap ob-vious external consequences but wecreate inner turbulence that wecannot escape, no matter where wego.

Others of us who tend towardtunnel vision may put on blindersof self-deception by insisting that

No matterwhat we feel orknow, nomatter whatour potentialgifts or talents,only actionbrings them tolife. Those ofus who onlythink weunderstandconcepts,such ascommitment,courage, andlove, one daydiscover thatwe only knowwhen we act;doing becomesunderstanding.


“it will work out this time” withoutour doing anything different. Thiskind of dishonesty also forfeits asense of energy and spirit.

For some of us with expressionissues who tend to hint, connive,sigh, whine, or wait for others toread our mind, the Law of Honestypoints out that such indirect, mis-leading, manipulative, or deceitfulcommunication results when we letfear stop us from expressing our truefeelings and needs. Whether our ac-tions are deliberate or simplychronic habits, if we manipulatepeople with an angry face, a sadlook, or a sigh (expecting others to“know how we feel” without actu-ally stating it directly), if we tellpeople what we think they want tohear (even with the “best” inten-tions) or if we use words strategi-cally, hooking into guilt or pushingvulnerable spots to control othersor get what we want, we may getwhat we want for the time beingbut forfeit the inner light that wemost need in the long run

Once we find the courage andwisdom simply to state our feelingsand say what we want or need, thishonesty can bring new life to staleor painful relationships.

Acting with the highest integrityand expressing our authentic needsand feelings can change our per-sonal and professional relationshipsfor the better. Such integrity, hon-esty, and truthfulness–or the lackof it–form the trail we leave behindus, our personal mark in history. Ifwe apply this law, our life changesin simple but profound ways wemight not have believed possible,and the very goals we onceschemed to achieve begin to mani-fest in ways we would not havedreamed possible.

THE LAW OF ACTIONAction is not easy in this world;

forces of doubt and inertia areeverywhere, even within our ownmind and body. Still, we must act.

Words may be cheap, conceptsand philosophies may be elegant,ideas may abound, and good inten-tions may sound impressive. Turn-ing all the words, concepts, andideas into action requires energy; it

requires sacrifice. To stay thecourse, we must overcome insecu-rity and hurdle past self-doubt,lethargy, apathy, excuses, and ahundred good reasons not to rockthe boat. But we keep getting thesame message from life: It’s betterto do what we need to do than not do itand have a good reason. This states,as well as anything, the Law ofAction.

Thousands of motivationalspeakers thunder out passionateand eloquent ideas such as this justto inspire us to get off the couchand make a new life, to put outsome effort, some will, some disci-pline. Still, most of us take actiononly when the emotional, mental,or physical pain gets so bad that wehave to.

Let’s change this. Let’s ac-knowledge that action and changerequire initial discomfort, effort,and energy. Let’s even say we’rereally ready to take some neededaction in our life. But how? It boilsdown to one of the most powerfulthree-word phrases in the Englishlanguage: Just do it.

Most of us wait for permissionfrom our insides to do anything.We wait to “feel motivated.” Wewait until fear is looking the otherway, until self-doubt and insecuritystep aside and give us permissionto act. But action is stronger thansubjectivity. There are times whenwe have to act with strength andcourage no matter how we’re feel-ing or what we’re thinking.

The peaceful warriors of thisworld don’t wait for permission;they know and sense what action totake, and they choose the way ofcourage and integrity. If theirhearts confirm it, they act, despitefeelings of fear, self-doubt, or inse-curity that may arise. They act andlet their subjective l ife–their

Recognizing,accepting, andexpressing ourauthenticinterior realitylies at the heartof honesty; onlywhen we arehonest withourselves can wespeak or acthonestly withanyone else.In the sense ofintegrity,honesty entailsacting in linewith higher lawsin favorof negativeimpulses tothe contrary.

CONSCIOUS NOTES

21

thoughts and feelings–run to catchup. “Wait, you can’t do this!You’re not up to it!” our mindwhispers, echoing voices from thepast. “You’ll make a fool of your-self! You’ll only get hurt! You’llfail!” All of these voices may passthrough our mind but we actanyway. Soon, these voices or feel-ings, once so loud and compelling,stop coming around so often.

When I was six years old, Ifound myself standing on a second-story rooftop of a house under con-struction. Twenty feet below mewas a big sand pile. My olderfriends had already jumped but Iwas only six, and I was afraid. Theytried to coax me, tease me, encour-age me, and reassure me for aboutforty-five minutes, when one of theboys finally yelled, “Stop thinking!Just stop thinking and jump!” Itstruck me in that moment that nomatter how frightened I felt, Iknew how to bend my knees, Iknew how to learn forward, and Iknew how to push off. So I stoppedthinking, leaned forward, and wassuddenly airborne–a wonderful feel-ing–and a valuable lesson I neverforgot.

I once coached a gymnast I’llcall Jill. She had worked hard on anew dismount from the unevenbars. She had done it many times inthe spotting belt, then with anassist from me. Now the time hadcome for her to do it alone. Shewas well prepared and ready; sheknew it and I knew it. She got upon the bar and was about to per-form the dismount when shestopped. “I can’t do it, Coach; I’mafraid.”

“Oh, I see,” I responded. “Yes, Ithink I’d be feeling a lot of fear,too; after all, it’s the first timeyou’re doing it by yourself. Wheredo you feel the fear?”

OMEGA

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Mount Madonna pickup from

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22

The biopsy’s back… it’s malignant. DoctorGreen sat back in his swivel chair, looked atme, and waited.

I looked back at the young doctor as the words sankin and the thoughts began to race through my mind.

“Malignant,” I thought, “malignancy equals Cancer.Cancer. ‘The Big C.’ Cancer equals pain, suffering,death, transition, termination.”

The thoughts brought no fear or apprehension, onlysurprise and wonder.

Cancer had been the farthest thing from my mindback in June, 1992. About four weeks earlier I hadpassed clots of blood in my urine and since it was aweekend and my regular doctor was unavailable, I hadgone to the emergency room of the local hospital. Thesenior intern on duty ordered a contrast X-ray of mystomach and bladder.

His diagnosis was either a kidney infection or ablockage, possibly a kidney stone in the right ureter,the tube leading from the kidney to the bladder. Heurged me to see a urologist as soon as possible.

That event had led me to Dr. Green, still sittingacross from me waiting for a response.

Finally realizing I was not going to give a response,he continued.

“The biopsy confirms what the CAT-scan has al-ready told us. There is a very large tumor in your rightureter and it is cancerous. I would expect it to be atransitional cell carcinoma which will have to be re-moved immediately.”

I nodded my understanding and signed the consentform after hearing the doctor’s voice in the distance,explaining the dangers and possible complications ofthe surgical procedure.

While hearing and understanding his words, mymind was not on myself, but rather on Barbara whowas waiting patiently in the waiting room. I was afraidof what the shock of this news might do to her and tothe most wonderful relationship I had ever experi-enced.

Barb and I had met ten years before, shortly aftershe had lost both her parents to cancer. She was sepa-rated from her husband and I had been divorced for tenyears. Although from entirely different backgrounds,we were immediately attracted to each other, and to

The LovePrescription

Transformations

C L I F F T O W N E R


23

Pathwayspickup from

page 21 Winter

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Each issue, we present storiesfrom people who have transformedtheir lives.

Do you experience inner peaceand joy? Is your life fulfilled withloving relationships? Are youdirected by your wisdom and aspi-rations? We want to present yourinspiring story. We want to tell ourreaders how you changed your life.

You may have overcome somemajor trauma or handicap, made asuccessful major career shift, devel-oped your creative potential, orfilled your relationships with loveand understanding.

Please send a recent picture ofyourself and a 1,000 word story,typewritten and double-spaced,describing your transformation,

why you did it, how you felt duringthe process, and how your familyand friends reacted. Your story isimportant. If you are not a skilledwriter, our editorial staff can assist.In your story please include:• Events or experiences thatlaunched your transformationprocess.• Decisions that greatlyimpacted your growth.• Coping skills during the timeof change and disruption.

• Resources that helped you.

Send your story and picturealong with this completed releaseform. If your story is used, you willreceive a two-year subscription plustwo gift subscriptions for friends.

I understand that I give rightsfor usage of the material I submit toPERSONAL TRANSFORMATION andthat it shall constitute a grant forthe use of my name, likeness, andstory. The editors may edit andcondense my story as necessary.

Tell about Your Transformation

Release Form TYPE OR PRINT CLEARLY

Name __________________________________________________Address_________________________________________________City ______________________________State ______Zip _______Phone _________________________________________________Signature _______________________________________________

4032 S. LamarBlvd, #500-137,Austin, TX78704-7900.

Talk Power

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Mail to: Personal Transformation

24

this day I know that I, for one, fellin love with her from the momentwe met.

Barb had been through a trau-matic childhood, culminating in anervous breakdown, a minorstroke, a miscarriage, an abusivemarriage, and two children, a boyand a girl. Two or three years afterwe met, Barb lost her oldest child,her son, in a tragic automobile ac-cident. A year or two after losingher son, her estranged husband wasdiagnosed with cancer and shemoved back with him to take careof him in his final days until hedied a painful death from the dis-ease.

All of these thoughts racedthrough my head as I left Dr.Green’s office that sunny day inJune, 1992. Just months beforewhen she finally admitted that shehad loved me from the start buthad been afraid to admit it to her-self, she stated that she was afraidof involvement with anyone “be-cause everyone I ever loved alwayswinds up dying.”

Would this news I was about tospring on her cause her to go “overthe edge” again? Would she getscared because of her past experi-ences with cancer victims and runaway from me? How would her re-action affect my own life? Whatwould I do if she did leave?

For myself, I harbored no fearsof a possibly fatal illness. I had liveda long and exciting life. Thirty-fiveyears as an investigative crime re-porter on newspapers up and downthe East Coast and sundry otherjobs over the years in order to feeda wife and three kids.

Besides, as a long-time studentof comparative religions and amember of the Rosicrucian Order,I had, and have, a deep and abidingbelief and faith in the Cosmic andmy own position in the Cosmic

Transformations

WATER

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scheme. I know that so-called“death” is, like everything else inthe Universe, merely another tran-sitory change from one plane of ex-istence to another and so is incon-sequential, at least to me.

Consequently, that morning inJune, any thoughts I had about therecent diagnosis were centeredabout the one I loved. The samewoman who, just three years pre-viously, had came back into my lifeand dragged me from the deepestpits of agoraphobic depression.

I had shattered my right hip in afall and a hip replacement left mebedridden for a month. AfterwardsI found I could not force myself toleave my dark, dingy basementapartment. For an entire year Inever left the “security” of thatapartment but relied on others todo my shopping or other chores.

I existed on Supplemental Secu-rity Income (SSI) as a disabled indi-vidual. Because of the chronic ago-raphobia, it was virtuallyimpossible for me to hold downany kind of a job, much less a job asa professional newsman.

But with the return of Barb intomy life, all that changed. Onceagain I had a glimmer of hope…hope that now that she was awidow, there might be a chance formarriage and the opportunity I hadbeen dreaming about since first wemet.

Having been born, raised, andlived in the sub-culture of povertyall her life, I wanted the opportu-nity to show her a different style oflife, one that she had never experi-enced. I wanted to take her placesshe had never been and do thingsshe had never been able to do. I re-alized I had to work to fulfill thosehopes and dreams. And “working”meant leaving the house. It was theworse struggle of my life but I fi-

Atlanticpickup from

page 17 Winter

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COMMUNASSANCE“Where Communication Becomes Communion”

An exciting bimonthly 4-page (no more!)periodical on the cutting edge of consciousness.

For a free introductory subscription:

Send Name & address to: CommunassancePO Box 463 Amagansett, NY 11930 Or Call 516/267-6564

Transformations

PERSONAL TRANSFORMATION • SPRING 1996

nally made it to the bus stop (afterseveral unsuccessful attempts) andwent for an interview, which wassuccessful, and I began a part-timejob as a reporter and columnist on amonthly newspaper.

But now, as I entered the wait-ing room and approached Barb, re-alizing what lie ahead, I knew it wasthe end of making my dreams a re-ality.

When I told her the doctor’s di-agnosis, her face paled for an in-stant and I saw a brief glimmer offear in her eyes. But she quickly re-gained her composure, smiled,hugged me, and said, “Don’t worry,the doctor will get it all out.”

That night as we held each otherclose in bed, she told me how gladshe was that she had admitted toherself and to me that she loved mebefore we found I had the “Big C.”I knew then that Barbara really did,and does, love me and would neverleave me, no matter how bad thefuture might be.

The night before the scheduledoperation, when I made my nightlysupplication to the Cosmic to givethanks for the events of the day,good or bad, and to give equalthanks for whatever the morrowmight bring, I added a change atthe end.

For the first time in my life I re-quested or petitioned the Cosmicfor help. I requested the Cosmic forhealing, not for my sake, but forBarbara. A petition for time, at leastfive or ten years in order to takeBarb to Florida and, if she liked it,to move there permanently andeventually to buy her the home shenever had.

“However,” I concluded, “if thisdisrupts the Cosmic Plan for mySoul and it is time for my Transi-tion, then I am ready. I then fell

INNOVATIVE

2 color/prefer blue

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Transformations

asleep with my arms around mybeloved Barb.

The following day Barb and myyoungest daughter, Connie, walkedbeside the gurney to the doors ofthe OR. Connie kissed me withtears in her eyes, and Barb kissedme and whispered, “I love you Cliffand I’ll be here waiting.”

When I came out of the recov-ery room several hours later, theywere both waiting. Dr. Green hadtold them that I had been verylucky. The tumor in the ureter hadgrown so huge that within a day ortwo it probably would’ve burst,scattering the malignancy through-out my body.

Unfortunately, that was not theend of my old friend, the transi-tional cell carcinoma. The originaltumor left numerous malignantoffspring in the ureter, kidney, andbladder. There have been seventrips to the OR since that fatefulJune day in 1992. My right kidney,ureter, and bladder cap have beenremoved. I have had ten weeks ofbladder washes with the chemicalMitomycin-C and a section of thebladder removed.

It has been six months since thelast examination and everything ap-pears clean. I realize a recurrenceis possible at any time, but I am notworried because I know the Cosmichas granted my petition.

We came to Florida betweenoperations for two weeks in 1994and were able to move to Florida inMay, 1995.

After the first operation I begana process of Visualization.

Each night after expressing myappreciation to the Cosmic Con-sciousness for the happenings ofthe day and especially for the loveBarb has shown me, both beforeand after the original diagnosis, I

Paragon

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28

Transformations



Ican’t stand this. I Just want to die.” My motherspoke the words during the New York winter ofseventeen snowstorms. Snow swirled outside the

window of her room at the Bronx hospital for advancedcancer patients. My mother would spend the last tendays of her life there.

The hospital counselor had been sent to talk to meduring one of my bouts of uncontrollable crying. I’dbeen staying at the hospital from early morning to lateat night, afraid to go to work, afraid to leave, afraid mymother would die, afraid she would die alone.

He entered the hospital Family Room. “Oh, no, nota priest,” I thought when I saw him. “I don’t want totalk to a priest.”

But his words held me. “I’ve worked with dying pa-tients for many years and I can tell you that when theend comes, the person chooses the moment. Somewant to die with their loved ones in the room. Somewait until they leave. If your mother dies when you’renot here, it’s because that’s the way she wanted it. Themain thing is that your mother be at peace about dying.She needs you to tell her it’s all right for her to go. Youcan’t save your mother anymore, but you can help herto have a good death.”

That night I left the hospital and went back home,and the next day I went back to work. During the daysthat followed, I taught my classes, then took the ex-press bus to see Mom. I would rush to her room andbreathe a sigh of relief when I saw that she was stillthere waiting for me, still in the world.

It was a great effort for Mom to speak. She was soweak she could barely move. She weighed sixty fivepounds. But she would force the words that matteredto her, “Don’t stay too late. It’s cold. It’s snowing.”Her hospital room was warm. Personal items were en-couraged. A bulletin board held photos of her grand-children. A shelf held a small statue of a Buddha from acollection that had belonged to my brother, Jackie,who’d been a lover of Indian art. Next to Jackie’sBuddha were lots of cards and snowflake cut-outs fromthe kids at the local elementary school where Mom hadbeen a school teacher for over thirty years. She’d beena great favorite with kids, parents, and school staff.She’d been strong, energetic, warm, funny, andhealthy. Always healthy. “I haven’t been to a doctorsince the day she was born,” she’d tell her friends,pointing to me.

But then Jackie died of colon cancer, discovered at

P A T D U F F Y

Transformations

A Coreof Love


an advanced stage. Jackie was 44.“It’s not fair,” Mom would say,“It’s not fair.” Now two and a halfyears later, Mom was at the specialhospital for cancer patients, dyingof colon cancer discovered at anadvanced stage.

“Try to drink some apple juice,Mrs. Duffy,” the nurse was sayingsoftly to Mom. But the juice randown the sides of her mouth. Momcould barely swallow. Each day herbody was smaller, more consumedby disease. I broke down in tears.“Cry,” my mother said to me, “It’sgood to cry. I could never cryenough.”

One Thursday evening towardthe end of visiting hours, Mom andI actually laughed. A surreal sightappeared: a white coated staff at-tendant was wheeling a mini-barthrough the hospital hallways. Themini-bar was filled with a greatrange of wines and liquors. “Like adrink? Like a drink?” the white-coated attendant asked as shewheeled along.

“Mom, I can’t believe it .They’re serving drinks!” The mini-bar attendant stopped by the doorof my mother’s room. “Like adrink?” the attendant asked. “Nothanks,” I said, looking at the mini-bar in amazement, “Are you reallyserving drinks here?”

Every Thursday night for anyvisitors who want them or patientsallowed them,” the attendantsmiled. Then she wheeled on.

In better days, Mom and I hadoften chosen Thursday for our get-together nights. After work, I’dtake the subway from Manhattanto Queens, and Mom would pickme up at the station. Dependingon the ups and downs of our re-spective days, we’d greet eachother with smiles or with snaps.But always by the time we arrived

ELEKTRA

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Transformations

Avatarpickup from

page 82 Winter

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at our favorite restaurant, each ofus settled with a dinner and a drink,all was well between us.

“Mom!” I laughed. “They servedrinks here on the hospital wardevery Thursday night!”

“Have one,” Mom said.“Ok, next Thursday we’ll have a

drink together just before I go. Ok,Mom?”

“Ok,” she said, “A last drink.”On the tenth day of my

mother’s stay at the hospital, I ar-rived in from the snow and thecold.

“If you l ike, you can stayovernight in your mother’s room,”the nurses said. After they left us,Mom gathered all her strength andsaid, “I can’t stand this. I want todie.”

“I understand, Mom,” I said,words and tears rushing together.“I understand how you feel. This isvery hard for me Mom. But I un-derstand how you feel.”

We held hands.“I love you so much, Mom. I

love you.”“I know you do,” she said. “I

love you, too.”We continued to say, “I love

you, ‘I love you too.’” That was allthat was left: a core of love. Thecore of love that had always beenthere, beneath everything, at thecenter of everything, holding us to-gether despite all the inevitableangers, disappointments, misun-derstandings that pass between amother and daughter. Now thatthe things of this world were disap-pearing, the core of love was in fullview, almost palpable, fully re-vealed.

A silver-gray light entered theroom from the snow filled sky out-side. “One more day,” Mom said.“Another day. I don’t want to letyou go.”

HJ KRAMER

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Transformations

32

“I don’t want to let you goeither, Mom. Remember, we’llhave our drink together tomorrownight. Tomorrow is Thursday.”

“Another day,” Mom said.I saw the sores in my mother’s

mouth that of late had caused herso much pain. The terrible sorescaused by thrush. The cancer hadleft her immune system drained,making her vulnerable to a host ofpainful afflictions. Treatmentswere useless. My mother, her bodyunimaginably weak and sensitive,now experienced all treatments astorments.

Mom became restless. Shewanted the covers over her.

But as soon as I pulled thecovers up, she wanted them down.Then up, then down. She began toheave and breathe, heave andbreathe, wanted the covers up anddown.

She fell asleep. I stayed next to

her bed, holding her hand.Thoughts swirled inside my headuncontrollably. What should I dotomorrow morning? Should I go towork? Should I stay? Should I go,should I stay? Yes, I would go towork as usual, as planned. I wouldcome to the hospital after work tosee Mom. She would be there wait-ing for me. It would be Thursdaynight and we would have our drinktogether just l ike we’d said,wouldn’t we? The whirl ingthoughts in my mind were echoedby the swirling snows outside thehospital window.

I slept fitfully, waking, sleeping,waking, sleeping until the twostates blended together. Outsidethe window, I saw the swirlingsnows turn to paper snowflake cut-outs that took the form of an enor-mous angel gliding by my mother’shospital room. Next, the papersnowflakes took the form of an

COLLEGE OF1/12 page

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HARMONY TOURS1/12 pg

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Alexander Lowen practices psychiatry inNew York and Connecticut and is the exec-utive director of the Institute of Bioener-getic Analysis. He and his wife live in NewCanaan, Connecticut. His books include“Depression and the Body,” “Bioenerget-ics, Pleasure and Love,” “Sex and YourHeart.” The following is from “Joy.”Copyright 1995 by Alexander Lowen.Printed by arrangement with Viking Pen-guin, a division of Penguin Books USA.

The chronic mus-cular tensionsthat st if le andimprison thespirit develop inchildhood out ofthe necessity to

control the expression of strongemotions: fear, sadness, anger, andsexual passion. Of course thesecontrols are not always effectivesince feeling is the life of the bodyand at times that life will assertitself despite the individual’s at-tempts at control. The neurotic in-dividual’s control can break downin an hysterical outburst of cryingand screaming, in a wild rage or insexual acting-out. Such actions arenot ego-syntonic and do nothing toresolve the conflict between theneed to express one’s feelings andthe fear of expression. Until that

conflict is resolved, the person isnot free to be himself.

Originally the fear of expressionwas related to a fear of the conse-quences that might follow such ex-pression, but while it is true thatthe fear still persists in the adult, itis now an irrational fear. For exam-ple, expressing anger in a therapysession about one’s treatment as achild will certainly not result in anypunishment or other serious con-sequence. The fear is of the feel-ings themselves. They are seen asthreatening and dangerous. Manypeople have a murderous anger be-cause their spirit was broken as achild and they are unconsciouslyafraid that if they lose control, theymight kill someone. In the forty-eight years that I have worked withpeople, encouraging them to feeland express their anger, not onehas ever gone out of control towhere they turned on me or brokeanything in my office. They beatthe bed with their fists or with atennis racquet as hard as theycould, but they knew what theywere doing and were in consciouscontrol of their actions. The fact isthat few of my patients could getangry enough to where their eyesblazed with their fury. It is notenough to know that one is angry;one has to feel it. The same thing istrue for fear, sadness, love, orsexual passion.

One can’t feel an emotion unless

one can express it in a gesture, alook, in the tone of one’s voice orthrough some bodily movement.This is because the feeling is theperception of the movement or im-pulse. I draw a distinction betweenan emotional expression and anhysterical outburst. In the latter,the ego (which is the organ of per-ception) is not connected to theaction, with the result that theaction is not perceived as an emo-tion. It is not uncommon to seesomeone go into a rage and denythat he is angry. I regularly see pa-tients whose bodies show all thesigns of fear–wide-open eyes, raisedshoulders, restricted breathing–butwho deny feeling any fear. Thebodies of these individuals manifestfear but expression, which is anactive and conscious process, isabsent. This disconnection is espe-cially common with sadness.

I believe that people are moreafraid of their sadness than anyother emotion. That may seemstrange since sadness doesn’t strikeone as a threatening feeling, butthe fear is connected to the depthof the sadness. In most people, ittouches despair and we are afraid,consciously or unconsciously, thatif we let go of our efforts to holdourselves up we will sink into thedepths of despair without any hopeof coming out. But if we don’tallow ourselves to feel our despair,we will spend our lives struggling


Crying: TheReleasing Emotion

A L E X A N D E R L O W E N

to stay up without any sense of se-curity and certainly without anygood feeling.

By going into the despair onecan find that it stems from thechildhood situation and is not rele-vant to the life of the adult. Adultsituations can trigger feelings ofdespair because they are connectedto similar situations in early child-hood which gave rise to feelings ofdespair. An adult can replace a lostlove defect but a child cannotthrough its own effort replace aparent. Of course if one uses all hisenergy to hold one’s self up or topresent a positive facade of denial,one will never find the security,peace, and joy that life offers. Thefact is that some patients cannotcry and most cannot cry deeply,which prevents them from feelingtheir sorrow and blocks them fromever finding joy.

Crying is an acceptance of thereality of both the present and thepast. When we cry we feel or senseour sadness and we realize howmuch we hurt and how badly wehave been hurt. If a person says tome, “I have nothing to cry about,”as some have done, I can onlyanswer, “Then why are you here?”Every patient has something to cryabout, as do most people in ourculture. Certainly the lack of joy inour lives is something to cry about.Some patients have said, “I’ve crieda lot but it does no good.” That isnot true. Crying will not changethe outside world. It will not bringlove nor acclaim. But it will changethe inner world. It will release thetension and the pain. That can beunderstood if one observes whathappens to a baby when it starts tocry.

A baby cries when it is in dis-tress. Its crying is a call for themother to remove the cause of the

distress. Distress causes the baby’sbody to contract and stiffen, whichis the body’s natural reaction topain and discomfort. A baby’s bodyreacts more intensely because it ismore alive, more sensitive, andsofter. It also lacks the ego capacityto tolerate pain. Unable to supportthe tension, it begins to quiver. Itsjaw puckers up. A moment later itsbody convulses with deep sobbing.The sobs are convulsions that runthrough the body in an attempt torelease the tension caused by thedistress. A baby will continue to cryas long as the distress continues oruntil it is exhausted. When itsenergy is depleted and it can nolonger cry, it will fall asleep to pro-tect its life. Crying has a similareffect on children who are over-tired and cannot quiet down. Thisstate of tension makes them rest-less and fretful. Often this willresult in the mother becomingangry and perhaps even hitting thechild, which will cause it to crydeeply. The crying has two effects:it releases the tension, relaxing thechild’s body, and it allows thebreathing to become deeper andfuller. Generally, the child willthen fall asleep. I don’t recommendhitting a child because that is a hos-tile act. One could use a sharpcommand to shock the child out ofits hysterical state if that is neces-sary. I simply want to point outthat crying serves to release an in-dividual from a state of tension.

There is a common belief that agood cry can make one feel better.A “good cry” is one that is deepand continuous enough to releasea significant part of the tension re-sulting from some emotional dis-tress. Such crying takes the form ofsobbing, which is accompanied byrhythmic waves that flow throughthe body. This is the only kind of

crying that will release the pain, thehurt feelings and the muscular ten-sion of an emotional crisis ortrauma. The crying of tears is also atension-releasing mechanism forthe eyes and, to some extent, forthe body since it softens with thefeeling of sadness. Eyes becomefrozen with fear, contracted bypain, and dulled by sorrow. Theflow of tears is a melting and soft-ening process like the thawing ofice in the spring. Eyes that do notcry become hard, brittle, and dry,which can impair their visual func-tion. Tearing is a very humanaction. No other animal actuallycries with tears. Such crying inhumans reflects their ability to seethe sadness, pain, or distress in an-other person or creature. That iswhy most people cry when seeing asad movie, but very rarely does asad movie make us sob. I believetherefore that the ability to shedtears, to cry, is the basis of the abil-ity to feel compassion, whereaswhen we sob, we express our owndeep sorrow and pain.

Sobbing is not the only form ofvocal expression stemming fromfeelings of sadness, sorrow, or dis-tress. If the pain of the distress isintense and seemingly unending,the crying may take the form ofwailing. Wailing is a more high-pitched, continuous sound. It ex-presses a very deep hurt, one that isfelt in the heart. Such a hurt wouldresult from the death of a lovedperson; this is why wailing is a typ-ical reaction of women who havelost a loved one. Men’s voices donot naturally make the highpitched wail ing sound thatwomen’s voices can. Anothersound that belongs to the categoryof crying is moaning. The moan, incontrast to the wail, is a low-pitched sound. One moans from a

34


35

The Sacred Path ofIntimate Relationship

J O H N W E L W O O D

In the mirror of intimate relationship, we all want our partner to see our intrinsic beauty and

value. However, most of us don’t recognize or appreciate our basic goodness. Instead, we see ourselves

in terms of a false self-image and then try to get others to affirm or admire this facade, imagining

that this will make us feel good about ourselves. Yet even if we do win this approval, it doesn’t truly

satisfy us because it is not what we most deeply desire. What we really need is to know the intrin-

sic goodness of our nature, beyond anyone’s conditional notions of good or bad.

TO

NY

STO

NE/D

AV

IDST

EW

AR

T


John Welwood is a clinical psychologist and psychotherapist inprivate practice. His books include “Awakening the Heart,”“Challenge of the Heart,” and “Journey of the Heart.” Helives in San Francisco, California.

Becoming intimate with anotherperson means being seen as we are,which inevitably brings to light anyfeeling we have tried to avoid orsuppress. If we secretly believe thatwe are bad for having such feelings,then when this evidence of our “bad

self” comes to light, we will react defensively. Yet inreacting to our partner as a threat, we externalizewhat is essentially an inner battle. We are treatingsome aspect of our experience that we regard as bador unacceptable as an enemy we must defend our-selves against.

Tom was a man I worked with whose relation-ships suffered from his deep-seated belief that vul-nerable feelings were something to avoid at anycost. As a single child growing up with two over-

controlling parents, he had developed a strongaversion to feeling helpless–which he associatedwith being a loser.

Since Tom regarded feelings of helplessness asan enemy, he tried to guard against them by fabri-cating a conscious identity as someone who wasalways in control, a winner. He regarded this iden-tity as “self”–who he really was. And he treatedwhatever threatened this image as Other and asenemy.

Tom’s efforts to prove that he was a winner werefutile since the “good self” he was trying to estab-lish was only an image in his mind, based on his ef-forts to vanquish the equally illusory notion that hewas bad for sometimes feeling helpless. How couldhe ever prove, once and for all, that he was a winnerwhen he secretly feared he was a loser? Both identi-ties–winner and loser, good self and bad self–werepart of a trance, fantasies in his mind that preventedhim from experiencing a more basic, unconditionalsense of value.

As long as Susan went along with Tom’s good-self facade, he was friendly and at ease. But when-ever his feelings of helplesness came up in their re-lationship, threatening to expose the bad-self loser,he would turn against her. Susan was at a loss to un-derstand why he would suddenly grow cold andcritical, for no apparent reason. She did not realizethat at such times he was cut off from his own ex-perience and that this inevitably cut him off fromher as well. Tom’s aggression toward Susan was anouter enactment of his own inner aggression–treat-ing his more vulnerable feelings as a hated enemy.

In attacking himself when he felt helpless, Tomwas doing to himself what he most feared fromothers. And his aggression toward himself main-tained and reinforced a sense of himself as someonewho was continually subject to attack. Most of usperpetuate a bad-self identity in a similar way. Forexample, we might deny our needs because weimagine they could never be met. But this onlymaintains an inner sense of deprivation, whichmakes our needs more exaggerated and insistentand reinforces an underlying view of ourselves as aneedy person.

Unable to see how we create this kind of pain for

J O H N W E L W O O D

ourselves, we imagine that other people are makingus suffer. Thus, Tom continually imagined thatOther–his partner, his work, or the world atlarge–was out to control him. This mechanism ofprojection–looking for the source of our bad feel-ings outside ourselves, focusing our partners’ ac-tions as a way to divert attentionfrom what goes on inside our-selves–is the most common de-fense strategy in relationships. Itpresents a tremendous barrier toseeing, hearing, or understand-ing genuinely another person.

Often when a bad-self iden-tity becomes activated insideourselves, we project an imageof the bad Other onto our part-ner, and move into a position offight or flight, attack or with-drawal. The bad Other is a gen-eralized image of what we findmost threatening in otherpeople, based on old pain fromthe past. So when Tom startedto feel helpless, he would seeSusan as his oppressor, someonewho was trying to manipulatehim and make him feel bad, ashis parents had.

Tom was blind to his behav-ior until Susan finally threatenedto leave him. Then with myhelp, he gradually came to seethis tendency to create anenemy in his life and how itarose from his aversion to feel-ing helpless. As he learned to let himself have thefeeling, instead of hating himself for it, he foundthat it was not as horrible as he imagined.

This led to an important discovery: that help-lessness was only a feeling. It did not mean anythingabout who he was–in particular that he was a loser. Aslong as he did not create an identity out of the feel-ing or attach a story to it–such as, “It’s not manly tofeel like this” or “I could be crushed”–he found thatit was tolerable. In sum, Tom realized that, “This

feeling is not who I am; it is not intrinsically bad orwrong; in fact, when I let myself experience it, thecontraction around my heart melts and I becomemore fully present in my body, in my relationship,and in my life; and that actually makes me feel goodabout myself.”

In this way, Tom discoveredwhat it was like to “find hisseat”–to discover a sense ofcomposure and confidence thatcame from being more presentwith his experience. He de-scribed this as feeling like amountain which remains un-shakable even when attacked byhowling storms. The more heexperienced himself in this fullerway, the more his bad-self iden-tity began to lose its hold,thereby freeing him to be moreopen in his relationship and hislife as a whole. This gave him anew sense of empowerment. Hewas overcoming a need to createan enemy in his life.

TAKING RESPONSIBILITYFOR OUR EXPERIENCE

Whenever we encountersome threatening or intolerablefeeling, we have a choice. Wecan see it as part of what we aregoing through and learn torelate to it, or we can reactagainst it and look for someoneto blame. When we blame our

partner–“Why are you making me feel thisway?”–we are, in effect, saying, “I hate my experi-ence right now; it’s all wrong; and it’s your fault.”Then we might try to make our partner different sothat we don’t have to feel this way.

In the case of one couple I worked with, thewoman felt chronic dissatisfaction with her life butinstead of owning that as her experience, she wouldangrily criticize her partner for not being there forher. When I asked her what she would feel if hewere more available, she said, “Joy.” Her partner in

Whenever wehate someone,we are hatingsome partof ourselvesthat we see inthat person.We don’tget workedup aboutanything thatis not inourselves.—Herman Hesse



turn blamed her for being so critical. When I askedhim what he would feel if she were more accepting,he said, “Peace and self-assurance.” In effect thewoman was saying, “I can only feel joy if he is morepresent,” while the man was saying, “I can only feelat peace with myself if she accepts me.” As a result,they remained stuck in a vicious circle: she attack-ing when he withdrew, seeing him as the cause ofher unhappiness; he withdrawing when she at-tacked, seeing her as the cause of his distress.

Nothing could change until they were each will-ing to take responsibility for their own experience,she for her chronic dissatisfaction, he for his inse-curity. When she became willing to look withinherself for the source of joy, she no longer neededto attack him for depriving her of happiness; andwhen he became willing to look within himself forthe source of peace and self-assurance, he no longerhad to distance himself because she failed to pro-vide that for him.

To regard our partner as the source of our hap-piness or misery is to abdicate responsibility for ourown experience. Responsible means “able to re-spond.” Becoming responsible for our experiencemeans being able to respond to it, as it is. Respondingto our experience starts with caring about what weare going through and inquiring into it, instead ofjudging it or pushing it away. In responding to ourexperience in this way, we also cultivate loving-kindness toward ourselves and greater self-aware-ness.

CULTIVATING AWARENESSAND LOVING-KINDNESS

Loving-kindness is a term often used in the Bud-dhist tradition to indicate a state of unconditionalfriendliness, benevolence, and goodwill. It is akin tothe Christian term charity, a word that comes fromthe Latin caritas, the root of our word caring. Sub-stituting loving-kindness for charity in the “KingJames” version of St. Paul’s famous letter to theCorinthians helps us see how crucial this quality is.

Though I speak with the tongues of menand of angels, and have not loving-kind-ness, I am become as sounding brass, or atinkling cymbal.

And though I have the gift of prophecy,and understand all mysteries, and allknowledge; and though I have all faith, sothat I could remove mountains, and havenot loving-kindness, I am nothing.Loving-kindness suffereth long… enviethnot… thinketh no evil… but rejoiceth inthe truth.Loving-kindness never faileth; but wherethere be prophecies, they shall fail; wherethere be tongues, they shall cease; wherethere be knowledge, it shall vanish away.For we know in part, and we prophecy inpart.But when that which is perfect is come,then that which is in part shall be doneaway.

Loving-kindness contains an inner perfection, asPaul suggests, because it is an expression of our truenature. Without it, no real happiness is possible.

Loving-kindness starts at home by caring forourselves when we are having a hard time. Oncewe can extend this kind of compassion toward our-selves, we can more readily feel this way towardothers. This counteracts our tendency to regardOther as a potential enemy.

So if we are to overcome the need for anenemy–both within and without–we need to startby developing unconditional friendliness towardour own experience. Ever since childhood, most ofus have tried to live up to external standards forhow we should be. In learning to see ourselves aswe imagine Other sees us, at the expense of ourown immediate sense of who we are, we have losttouch with the capacity to rest in our own natureand trust that we could simply be ourselves, as weare. The antidote to this alienation from ourselvesis to cultivate unconditional self-acceptance.

Accepting ourselves unconditionally doesn’tmean mindlessly indulging in emotions or inappro-priate behavior. Nor does it mean having to showerourselves with affirmations or to like everythingabout ourselves. In fact, liking ourselves for somereason–because we approve of our behavior or mea-sure up to some standard–is conditional self-accep-tance. Unconditional self-acceptance is of a totally

different order than this; it means letting ourselveshave our experience, whatever it may be.

Loving-kindness and greater awareness are theelements most essential for unconditional self-ac-ceptance, as well as for any real growth or healing.How can we cultivate these qualities? Through awillingness to inquire into, acknowledge, allow, andfully open to our experience.

First, we need to be willing to inquire into whatis going on inside ourselves, instead of just assum-ing that we know what our experience signifies andreacting automatically. Often we think we knowwhat we’re experiencing–“I’m angry, that’s all” or“This is just an old hangup from childhood”–with-out understanding what is really happening. If wereflect more deeply, we discover that there’s moreto any experience than we can know at first glance.So we need to be willing to ask ourselves, “What’sgoing on here?” and really look with an open mind,instead of assuming that we already know.

Second, we can acknowledge what is happening.“Yes, this is what I’m experiencing right now. I’mfeeling threatened… hurt… angry… defensive.”Acknowledging involves recognizing and namingwhat is going on, as well as inviting it into aware-ness. We should never underestimate the power ofbare acknowledgment. Simply recognizing what ishappening, instead of automatically reacting to it,allows us to shift from a passive to an active stance,which already gives us greater freedom.

Third, we can learn to allow our experience to bethere, as it is. Allowing ourselves to have our expe-rience does not mean wallowing in feelings oracting them out. Instead, it involves giving our-selves space to have our experience–gently holdingour feelings in awareness and softening aroundthem, rather than hardening against them or im-posing judgments on them. Often we have a hardtime with this because we subconsciously identifywith our feelings (“this anger is me”) or else rejectthem (“this anger is not me”). So it may requiresome time and concentration to relate our experi-ence in this way.

If a feeling is particularly intense, it often helpsto breathe deeply and give it plenty of space, lettingit expand as far as it wants to. This releases anysense of inner pressure, that may result from resist-

ing the feeling or contracting against it. If we feeltoo threatened by our experience to give it space,there is usually an indication that some story–back-ground judgment or belief–has become activated inour mind. Stories that interfere the most often takethe form of, “If I feel this, something bad willhappen,” or “This feeling means something badabout me… or about my life… or about the otherperson.” Acknowledging and naming these storieshelps us put them aside and bring our attentionback to our bodily felt experience.

Fourth, we can let ourselves open more fully towhat we are experiencing, thus becoming morefully present. Instead of trying to judge, explain, ormanipulate our feeling, we can simply maintain anopen presence in the face of it. What is most impor-tant here is not what we are feeling, but the processof opening to it.

Feelings in themselves don’t necessarily lead togreater wisdom but the process of opening to themcan. When our focus shifts from the feeling itself–asan object of pleasure or pain–to our state of pres-ence with it, we move from the realm of personalityinto the larger space of being. Only in this largerpresence can we find the resources we need to dealwith our situation. And when we are present with afeeling, instead of reacting to it as good or bad, theinner war–between self and Other, between “me”and “my experience”–starts to wind down. Thenour awareness can operate more unobstructedly, al-lowing us to perceive more clearly what is actuallygoing on and what needs to be done.

It is often striking how a decision as simple asletting ourselves have our experience can immedi-ately affect the way we relate to the situation athand. For example, when my stepson first camehome from college for the summer, I found myselftense and somewhat shut down. I had been enjoy-ing having my wife all to myself and felt reluctant togive that up. At first I judged myself for being self-ish, but this only made me more tense. Clearlythere was something more going on that neededmy attention.

When I looked more closely at my reaction, Idiscovered a fear which closing down had been away of avoiding. As I acknowledged and allowedthis fear, I could see that an old, exaggerated story



40

Sacred CommunicationS U E P A T T O N T H O E L E

Communication is the heart of love, the sacred vessel from which we pour the wine of our souls.

When we communicate, we are “communing” with the soul of another. Communing is talking to-

gether intimately, sharing our thoughts and feelings, disclosing the very fabric of our being. Artful

communication connects us to each other, bonds us together through strands of energy, actions, and

words. We need to ask ourselves if these strands are made up of kind and gentle pearls or prickly,

thoughtless barbs? Do they bond rather than bind, heal rather than wound, connect rather than

divide, and attune rather than alienate?

JOH

NM

CA

NU

LT

Y


Sue Patton Thoele is the author of “The Woman’s Book ofCourage,” “The Woman’s Book of Confidence,” and “TheCourage to Be Yourself.” She has been a practicing psychother-apist for 22 years and has led workshops throughout the coun-try. She lives in Boulder, Colorado, with her husband Gene.

Mastering the craft of commu-nication is our single mostimportant quest as we engagein the art of relationship. Inthe following passage, KahlilGibran reminds us to keepspirit and soul at the center

of our communication. “When you meet yourfriend on the roadside or in the marketplace, letthe spirit in you move your lips and direct yourtongue. Let the voice within yourvoice speak to the ear of his ear. Forhis soul will keep the truth of yourheart as the taste of the wine is re-membered when the color is for-gotten and the vessel is no more.”

CONSCIOUS COMMUNING

We are constantly, intuitively,and innately communicating. Butdo we consciously communicate? Tocommunicate from our hearts andsouls, we need to commit ourselvesto being aware of how and why, andeven when, we communicate.Learning consciously to communi-cate will help us understand whatour intention is during any particular encounter,especially during times of intense emotion and vul-nerability. If our intention is to win or to be right,we’d better pause until we can change that to adesire for better understanding and more connec-tion. Needing to win and be right doesn’t comefrom our hearts and souls and only evokes shameand defensiveness in others. A no-win situation.

Consciously communicating means that we wantto know if what we’re saying enhances feelings of

affinity, safety, and sacredness in our relationships.If the answer is consistently “yes,” you are a valu-able teacher and model for sacred partnership, and Iam thankful for you and all others like you!

Most of us communicate consciously sometimesbut because we and our partners are emotionallyfragile, we need to learn to be conscious of theintent of, and attitude in, our communication most,if not all, of the time.

SWEETNESS OF A RESPONSIVE SOUL

Conscious communication comes from the heartof the sacred feminine, the part of us that aboundsin responsive, accepting, nurturing, compassionate,and inclusive energy. For our intimate relationshipsto be laced with deep understanding and groundedin soul-safety, our communication must emanatefrom the sweet feminine aspects within ourselves,both men and women.

All that we do and say communi-cates what we feel and believe. Andinterestingly enough, how we com-municate deeply influences how wefeel. Our state of mind, as well asour immune system, is affectedwhen we are subjected to negative,argumentative communication. Psy-chiatry professor Janice Klecolt-Glaser and her husband, immunolo-gist Ronald Glaser at the Ohio StateUniversity Medical Center, moni-tored for twenty-four hours thehearts and blood pressure of ninetyhappy, newly married couples. Thecouples were interviewed aboutareas of conflict and asked to spend

thirty minutes together trying to solve them. Theresults showed that, although both sexes had ele-vated blood pressure and weakened immune re-sponses when negative communication (such as sar-casm, excuses, put downs, and interruptions) wasexperienced, the women showed greater immuno-logical changes. Preliminary research on ten cou-ples married more than forty-two years shows sim-ilar results.

In order to have optimum mental and physicalhealth, it appears that our communication needs to

SUE PATTON THOELE AND HER

HUSBAND GENE


be good, kind, and gentle, ema-nating from the sweetness of aresponsive soul. When our com-mitment is to communicate fromthe center of our hearts, we canbecome an agent for healing andin the process, deepen our unionwith our beloved.

THE MIRACLE OFLISTENING

To the Sacred Femininevoice, listening is a sacred art.Deep listening is miraculous forboth listener and speaker. Whensomeone receives us with open-hearted, non-judging, intenselyinterested listening, our spiritsexpand. New thoughts, unex-pected wisdom and witticismsbegin to bubble from the “littlecreative fountain” within us, aswriter Brenda Ueland calls it.Deep listening inspires us tounveil the miracle of our Self, tolive from the center of our au-thentic creativity rather thancircle the periphery. Deep listen-ing is a gift and a blessing. Thecompany who named their hear-ing aid “The Miracle Ear” knew what they weretalking about!

As a plant shrivels without sun and water, we aredying in spirit for lack of deep listening. So many ofus only listen long enough to form our counter ar-gument. We feel compelled to get our “two centsworth” into the conversation. In our need to beheard, we fail to hear the heart of those we love.We talk at each other rather than to and with eachother. The result of not hearing one another in ameaningful way is a profound and poignant loneli-ness.

OPEN HEART, ACCEPTING EARS

One of the best ways to help ourselves becomeartful listeners is to give up any expectations aboutwhat is required of us as we listen. We are all pro-

grammed to be “fixers.” Intenton our task of fixing, we’re toobusy rummaging in our mindsfor solutions to be able to hearthe soul in what another personis saying. We don’t need to fixsomeone through our listening,we simply need to open ourhearts and be there with accept-ing ears. Nothing else is re-quired.

Although listening with ac-cepting ears seems too simple tobe effective, it is powerful med-icine. The energy emanatingfrom a listening heart is won-derfully healing and empower-ing to both speaker and listener.So, while listening may appearto be doing very little, it is infact one of the most powerfullyhealing things we can do.

John Gray, author of “Menare from Mars, Women arefrom Venus,” tells husbands,“Listening to her helps awoman remember what a greatguy you are.” Expanding that, Iwould say that, “Listening to

each other with open hearts and accepting earsallows us to remember what great people we areand what a great team we make.”

LEVELS OF LISTENING

In deep heart-centered listening, we’re beinggifted by a person’s willingness to show us severallevels of him or herself. These levels are:

• Words: what is actually said. • Feeling/emotion: what feelings or emo-tions is he or she attempting to express?• Soul/spiritual: what is the essence andhigher meaning of this communication?

Often the feeling and soul levels are not con-sciously known to either the speaker or the listener.Being open to all levels of a person through open-

Deep listeningis miraculousfor bothlistener andspeaker. Whensomeonereceives uswith open-hearted,non-judging,intenselyinterestedlistening, ourspirits expand.


hearted listening, we create a climate in which he orshe can become more aware of himself or herselfand therefore access more of his or her unique ex-cellence.

A wonderful way to become better at listening toall levels is to simply and sincerely say, “Tell memore.” Most of us, when encouraged to tell more,will be thrilled to do so. Our souls are thirsty forthe balm of a listening heart in whose presence wecan flower.

WHO’S LISTENING?If we find we’re not able to open our ears to be

fully present when trying to listen to another, wemight ask, “Who’s trying to listen? Who in myinner cast is having a difficult time really beinghere?” The answer may surprise us, and is sure tobe illuminating.

When I caught myself one day not being able tolisten to a young woman in crisis, it was my innerRescuer who was terrified that this darling youngperson would kill herself. Fear took over and it ren-dered me deaf for several minutes. I got caught inmy own expectation that I should be able to fix herpain.

During emotionally charged exchanges, we mayfind a frightened inner child when we ask, “Who’slistening?” It’s okay to tell our partner that we can’tlisten right now because one of our sub-personali-ties is having a anxiety attack and needs to be com-forted. We can take a break. Or we can share who’strying to listen and ask for what they need. What-ever feels the most open-hearted is the thing to dowhen we discover a sub-personality who is having ahard time being a good listener.

For Julia, a fifty-two-year-old divorcee who isjust starting a new relationship, quietly continuingto listen was the most gentle way to care for herselfin a recent encounter. While listening to her friendtalk about his business ventures, she began to beextremely uncomfortable. In answer to the ques-tion, “Who’s listening?” she realized she had begunto feel old feelings of inadequacy that had plaguedher ten years ago during her divorce. Her fear waswhispering, “You don’t know how to talk to a man.He will think you’re dull. You don’t understand this

business stuff, and you’ll bore him.” Because therelationship is so new, it was wise for Julia to com-fort her sub-personality herself and then call awoman friend for backup reassurance and a listen-ing ear.

Another internal character whom I encounterfrequently, especially if I’m on a deadline–is myCompulsive Impatient Person (CIP). She can’tlisten worth a toot because she has Very ImportantBusiness to attend to. So, when I realize that I’mlistening from the very-harried personage of CIP, Ieither need to honor her feeling of time pressureand make a date to listen at a different time or decideto listen now and choose to do so. Not always aneasy choice.

WHO’S TALKING?An equally important question is, “Who’s talk-

ing?” If your beloved is upset or confused and con-sequently so are you, it’s a good idea calmlyto–either silently or aloud–ask, “Who in you is talk-ing right now?” It’s always better to have agreed touse that technique with each other before youspring it on someone who is upset in the moment.If our partner isn’t interested in, or is unable to,ferret out inner voices intuitively, we may need tomake an educated guess about who inside is speak-ing. With that awareness, we can listen from a moreopen heart.

Sometimes just realizing what voice we’re speak-ing from helps illuminate patches of darknesswithin ourselves and gives us a handle on what weneed to do or say to move into the light.

PAUSE AND PONDER

To become adept at the art of conscious com-munication, we must not only learn how to listenbut in the words of Don Quixote to, “Think beforethou speakest.” We need to adopt the maturity andwisdom to pause and ponder. Doing so gives us thetime and emotional space to be able to move to ourhearts in order to discern what is the most lovingand compassionate thing to say. If we pause consis-tently, we will never again say that which we wishwe could retrieve. If we simply can’t pause andponder, we can–and should–remove ourselves fromthe situation for a while, to take time to cool off.


44

Business andThe Mystic

G A Y H E N D R I C K S A N D K A T E L U D E M A N

Most business failures are failures of vision. By contrast, a clear vision often is the first step on the

road to success. Many of the successful people we have encountered began their journey to success

with an act of vision. Sometimes it was a simple act, like asking themselves that radical question,

“What do I really want?” For others, it was a more formal procedure of mocking up a desired

future in their imagination.

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Gay Hendricks is the author of more than twenty books abouttransformation. After receiving his Ph.D. from Stanford in1974, he became a professor at the University of Colorado. Helives in Santa Barbara, California. Kate Ludeman is an engi-neer with a doctorate in psychology and author of “The WorthEthic” and “Earn What You’re Worth.” She lives in Austin,Texas. The following is from “The Corporate Mystic,” by GayHendricks and Kate Ludeman. Copyright 1996 by Gay Hen-dricks. Printed with permission from Bantam Books, a divisionof Bantam Doubleday Dell Publishing Group Inc. All rightsreserved.

Visionaries often have difficul-ties in corporations unlessthey are at the very top (andsometimes even then). Someof the most visionary peoplewe encountered were oftenfrustrated because they had

to deal with two or three layers of non-creative,non-visionary managers. Managers often do a thor-ough job of squelching ideas but not such a goodjob of nurturing creative input from visionaries. Vi-sionaries must bear some of the responsibility here,too. We have met many visionaries who were toothin-skinned to keep their visions flourishing whenthey encountered resistance.

There are several good reasons to develop vi-sioning skills. Without vision, you have no proac-tive direction in which to organize the resources atyour command. Vision allows you to create reality,not merely to react to it. Another major advantage

of conscious visioning concerns your perception ofsetbacks. If you have a clear vision of your goalsand purposes, you will experience the inevitable set-backs as barriers on the path to something grand. Ifyour vision is big enough, you’ll view barriers aschallenges, rather than obstacles, to be studied withcare as you navigate. Some people fall apart whensetbacks are encountered. That’s because theirvision is not grand enough.

Intention is a powerful force. Coming from aLatin word that means “to stretch toward,” inten-tion is the initial bending of your mind toward atarget. It is the force that permeates the journeyand the goal. A story from the medieval Christiantradition illustrates intention. A traveler came to awork site and saw two men carrying stones. Oneman was working listlessly, with a sullen expressionon his face, while the other man was cheerfullysinging as he busily carried stone after stone. “Whatare you doing?” asked the traveler of the sullenworker. “Laying stone,” was his reply. “What areyou doing?” the industrious worker was asked.“Building a cathedral,” was his reply. This is inten-tion at work.

Intention precedes and inspires vision. Intentionlives in the zone between potential and action, or-ganizing the diffuse energy of potential and bring-ing it toward reality. Intention is also the ability tohold a visionary context in which all of your specificvisions are organized. Inspired leadership is theability to work from the zone of intention, so thatyour very being brings forth visionary thinking inyour colleagues. This is important because greatleaders do not want to have followers; they want tospawn more leaders. The old are clearly out of date.Ideally, everyone should have the ability to add hisor her own unique visionary capabilities to the jobat hand. But many of us, even the best and bright-est, are handicapped by a lack of training in theskills of intention and visioning. You will need tobootstrap yourself and your colleagues up to a func-tional level of skill.

Think of intention as your overall way of gettingto a place, not your map of the details. It is a vastgoal that is at once measurable yet so large that itinspires people to become themselves visionaries

GAY HENDRICKS KATE LUDEMAN


within it. An intention is the wayyou want the game to come out,both in content and process. Itsets magic in motion. If you willmake the decision, the sayinggoes, your subconscious willmake the provision.

If your intention is clear, youcreate an electric field of possi-bility that actually pulls creativ-ity out of yourself and thosearound you. This is the realpower of intention. It inspiresyou in ways you could not pre-dict. When Komatsu developedtheir intention–Encircle Cater-pillar–they did not know exactlyhow they were going to do it.Far from it, in fact. One of thehallmarks of a good intention isthat it should be bigger thanyour current abilities. As theirclarity with this intention grew,they found themselves devisingtechnology and marketingstrategies commensurate withthe size of their intention.

If you know exactly how toget to your goal, you need abigger intention. Growth andexcitement in individuals and companies come fromstretching to achieve things that may not haveseemed possible, even a week earlier.

The secret of life is to have a task, something–youdevote your entire life to... and the most importantthing is–it must be something you cannot possiblydo!—Henry Moore

BEWARE OF COVERT INTENTIONS

Most of us have values that are sacred to us,values like passionate commitment, complete in-tegrity, and warm regard for others. Yet we do notalways act in accordance with these high intentions.The road to hell, the old saying goes, is paved withgood intentions. Why is that?

It is because we have covert intentions, hidden

from the light, that trip us upwhen we move in our chosendirections. The only way toclear ourselves of these covertintentions is to bring them outinto the light and openly ac-knowledge that we carry them.

A Corporate Mystic we in-terviewed shared this story.“Throughout the developmentof [a new technological device] Imissed one deadline after an-other. The CEO kept callingme on the carpet and I keptsaying ‘This isn’t like me’ and‘I’ve never missed deadlinesbefore.’ Finally one eveningafter one of our consulting ses-sions, I let go of being defensiveand acknowledged the negativeintention. I said ‘Okay, I’mcommitted to missing deadlines.That’s what the results say. Ihave an intention to miss dead-lines.’ Now why would I havethat intention? About two sec-onds after I asked myself thatquestion, the light bulb came onin my head. This was thebiggest project of my career and

I wanted desperately to succeed in the eyes of theCEO who was a father figure to me. But at thesame time, I was putting the face of my father’s crit-icalness on him, too. It was as if I was trying to set itup so I failed in his eyes. I realized I was carrying aconscious intention to succeed and an unconsciousintention to fail. Because I had failed so often inthe eyes of my father, I had embodied an intentionto fail that was getting in my way.”

One of our clients was a peace activist of nationalreputation who had founded a political organiza-tion. His conscious intention was nonviolence andworld harmony, yet his organization was in troublebecause of his violent explosions of anger. His wifehad also left him because he hit her on several oc-casions. It was obvious from his actions that he car-

If yourintention isclear, youcreate anelectric field ofpossibility thatactually pullscreativity outof yourselfand thosearound you.This is thereal power ofintention…


ried a covert intention to harm others that was sab-otaging his stated intention to promote peace.

He was very comfortable expressing his inten-tion to promote world harmony–he could makethat speech at the drop of a hat–yet he becameangry at us when we asked him to acknowledge hisintention toward violence. He could easily say, “I’mcommitted to world peace,” but he had trouble ad-mitting, “I’m committed to getting my own wayeven through violence.” Yet this intention was theone that was ruining his life.

There is only one way to find out what your un-conscious intentions are. Look at any negative re-sults you produce. Every Corporate Mystic needs toknow this principle in his or her bones. In the caseof our peace activist client, the results said, “I’mcommitted to expressing violence.” After severalsweaty days of consultation, he was courageousenough to acknowledge both his violent and hispeaceful aspects. He confronted the roots of his vi-olence in his tortured relationship with an alcoholicand abusive father. He also discovered that he had

become a peace activist partly in reaction to hisfather, an “I’ll show you!” intention.

Only when he acknowledged all this did the vio-lent outbursts cease. His organizational and maritalproblems smoothed out once he cleared his covertintentions.

The first peace, which is the most important, isthat which comes within the souls of people whenthey realize their relationship, their oneness, withthe universe and all its powers and when they re-alize at the center of the universe dwells the GreatSpirit, and that this center is really everywhere. Itis within each of us. —Black Elk

THE INTENTION OF WHOLENESS

If you would operate in the mystic realm, youmust operate from a clear intention of wholenessand connection. In words, the intention might beexpressed like this, “I consciously intend to have[this project or enterprise] benefit the wholeness ofourselves and the environment around us.” If youbuild in a metavision of wholeness at the beginning,T

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projects will work more smoothly. If you pretendyou are not connected to the whole, that doesn’tstop you from being connected. It just stops youfrom feeling connected. Mystics have a nearly re-flexive ability to ask questions such as, “How am Inot participating in the whole? Who else is not op-erating from an appreciation of the whole? Whereis connection being broken or impeded?”

THE INTENTION OF BALANCE

Balance is the Corporate Mystic’s second key in-tention. As we proceed toward our chosen visions,we need to keep ourselves and our enterprises in astate of balance. The notion of balance pervadesthe mystic world view. For Taoists, yin and yangare in eternal balance throughout nature itself, andit is our task as humans to harmonize ourselves withthis balance. A pinnacle concept of Navajo meta-physics, hozho, says that we must walk in harmonywith ourselves and the earth, lest we do damage toboth.

BUSINESS PEOPLE GO OUT OF BALANCEIN SEVERAL COMMON AREAS

Logic and emotion. Nature has given us logic,which resides in the neocortex, and it has also givenus emotion, which lives beneath the cortex in thelimbic system. Logic is indispensable for success inbusiness but business people get into trouble whenthey leave behind their feelings. Feelings were herelong before logic evolved, so extra attention mustbe given to staying in communication with them.Emotions like fear, anger, and sadness flicker acrossthe screen of our consciousness all day long. Youdon’t have to report each one of them to the world,but you do know what you’re feeling when you’refeeling it.

Home and work. No matter what rung of the cor-porate ladder you’re on, constant vigilance is re-quired lest the demands of the workplace eat upyour home life. The higher you climb, the moreimperative it becomes to walk in and out of yourfront door each day with a clear mind and an openheart. In our consulting work, we find that imbal-ance between home and work is often the mostcommon subject of conversation among executives.Single or married, living in a mansion or a studio

apartment, we all need a life outside work. It is easyto get out of balance, given the demands of the con-temporary corporate environment.

Striving versus enjoying. The tightened jaw andthe furrowed brow are signs not of zeal but of im-balance. Are you so focused on outcome that youare not enjoying the process? If so, find out howyou can lighten up and have a better time. Youmight even discover, as many have, that they getmore done when they ease up a little. As consul-tants, one of the quickest ways we diagnose thehealth of an organization is by the amount of funpeople appear to be having. They are getting thejob done, and they are having a good time doing it.There is a feeling we call the “fun-buzz” that suc-cessful organizations have. The fun-buzz is madeup of relaxed busyness, pleasant interactions, laugh-ter, and engagement.

THE INTENTION OF GRATITUDE

Your visions will become real more smoothly ifthey emerge from a context of gratitude. Manypeople have gratitude backwards. They are willingto express it only after something good happens tothem. Corporate Mystics know a secret. Expressgratitude first–lead with gratitude–and you will getgratitude back in double measure. Each new steptoward the future is taken in gratitude for the waythings are now. And what if the way things are noware not to your liking? All the more reason to ap-preciate them, for the beginnings of change live in adeep acceptance of the present reality. The Corpo-rate Mystic thinks, “Things are the way they are;now let’s go about changing them.” The ordinaryperson thinks, “Things can’t possibly be the waythey are! or Whose fault is it that things are theway they are?” Denial and blame have no place inthe mystic tool bag. A clear-eyed look at the presentand a vision of the future: these are the tools themystic uses to steer through an ever-changing uni-verse.

A good question to ask is, “What could I do inmy life and in my organization to foster a pervasivetone of gratitude? If you were going to honor thepeople you work closely with in a singular way thatmoved them, how would you do it?”•

49

How the Happy-Ending Fantasy Is Born

D A V I D G R U D E R M E Y E R ,R E B E C C A G R U D E R M E Y E R ,

A N D L E R I S S A P A T R I C K

Psychologist Robert W. Firestone developed extensive theories on psycho-dynamics in family re-

lationships. He says that infants arrive with a strong need to bond with something, preferably with

a living, consistently loving, flesh-and-blood member of their own species. However, Firestone says

in the absence of an ideal parent, an infant bonds with whatever is available and pretends it is

everything he needs.

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David Grudermeyer, Ph.D., and Rebecca Grudermeyer,Psy.D., are the proprietors of Willingness Works. They givepresentations, conduct workshops, and consult about the stagesof personal healing, spiritual and emotional growth, and rela-tionships. They live and practice in Del Mar, California.Lerissa Patrick holds a B.S. in journalism from the Universityof Colorado. Also she is an instructional designer consultingwith speakers on a variety of topics. She lives in San Diego,California.

Firestone illustrates his theory with theinfant’s increasingly sophisticated abil-ity to comfort himself when hungry. Ababy starts out responding to its ownhunger by crying; he stops when hetastes milk. Gradually he learns thatMom’s arrival means food is coming,

and he quiets down when he sees her. He has asso-ciated her presence with the comfort of being fed.Gradually his associations become more and morespecific. He begins to associate her voice withhunger relief; at this point, she can call to him fromanother room when he cries in hunger, and he willsettle down and wait for a little while. The babylearns to comfort himself with memories of hismother feeding him. He creates a fantasy to tidehim over until the reality arrives.

This ability to comfort himself while waiting forhis needs to be met is crucial to a baby’s growinginto emotional maturity. When Mom and food areconsistently, predictably available, the baby uses thefantasy of comfort to ward off the pain of his sepa-ration from Mom. However, his main bond is withMom.

But if Mom and food are unavailable or incon-sistent, the baby spends more and more time in hismental images of comfort. As a result, he bondswith his comforting fantasy of his mother, insteadof with Mom herself.

When a child bonds with his fantasy of comfortinstead of the provider of the comfort, Firestonesays, he becomes locked into a self-defeating cycle.He can’t break the bond he has formed with hisfantasy because that would mean feeling the over-powering pain of disconnection. But to maintainthe fantasy bond, he must continue to perceiveMom (and other caregivers as he forms relation-ships with them) as more loving, more available–orless damaged–than she really is. This inaccurateperception creates its own burden because, accord-ing to a basic principle of psychology, we pay for ouridealized versions of others with our perception of ourown lack of value. So maintaining a bond with a per-fect fantasy of his caregivers sets the child up forlow self-esteem.

No parent is capable of being available one hun-dred percent of the time. Therefore, according toFirestone, to some extent all infants bond with afantasy of their caregivers.

Firestone’s groundbreaking and profound workon the fantasy bond provided a springboard for ourown thoughts about the way people seek love andcomfort in life. We believe that as a child growsup, she creates a more sophisticated, complex ver-sion of her original fantasy bond. We call this the“happy-ending fantasy.”

Happy-ending fantasy–An imaginary rela-tionship you create with a goal or a personto give you hope that you’ll be okay some-day.

Like the fantasy bond, the happy-ending fantasyprovides comfort and helps shield us from pain. But

DAVID AND REBECCA GRUDERMEYER


the happy-ending fantasy goes afew steps further than theinfant’s rudimentary fantasybond, as we’ll see.

FALSE HOPE AND THEHAPPY-ENDING FANTASY

The original happy-endingfantasy that you formed as achild went something like this:These people–my caregivers–arenormal, whole, healthy people whocan love me. I just haven’t foundthe way to unlock their love. But Iwill.

The hope that you could dosomething to make people loveyou the way you needed to beloved was based on your inaccu-rate conclusion that your painwas your fault. You believed thatthe disconnection between your-self and your caregivers hadsomething to do with you. Thatgave you a cause for optimism.After all, if the problem wereyou, there was every reason tobelieve that you could solve theproblem and create the love andcomfort you needed. This hopeis as close as you could get tofeeling powerful.

This hope of course was false. There was nomagic formula that, when found and applied, wouldmake the significant people in your life love you.You could not get what you needed by trying tochange yourself or your caregivers. In fact if therehad been a magic formula, you would not haveneeded a fantasy to sustain you. When your care-givers connected with you, it was because they wereable to do so. When they did not, it was because oftheir own unhealed wounds.

Even so, your false hope contained an element oftruth–just enough truth so that it made some sense.For example, if you grew up getting lots of atten-tion when you told jokes, you may have experiencedthis attention as love and approval. If you connected

most successfully in your familywhen you were unhappy and lesssuccessfully when you werecarefree, you may have con-cluded that people will careabout you only if you have prob-lems to discuss with them. If youconnected most successfully inyour family when you were acaretaker or extra-good or extra-mature or extra-quiet or extra-responsible, you may have con-cluded that people would careabout you only if you werecodependent with them.

So, over the course of yourchildhood, you developed thesense that the love you receiveddepended to some degree onsomething you did. You mayhave believed it was necessary toaccomplish certain tasks in cer-tain ways or behave in certainways. Regardless of the form,your false hope became tangledup with those conditions. Evenif your caregivers were relativelyunwounded themselves andwere consistently open andloving, you may have done whatchildren frequently do–drawn

inaccurate conclusions about their availability andyour power to elicit it.

For example, Allen nearly always feels resentfuland angry when someone he is talking with appearsto take comfort from a hot cup of coffee or a frostybeer. He was able to piece together the reason re-cently after a conversation with his father. Allen’sdad confided that he thought he and Allen’s motherdrank too much during some trying times whenAllen was a boy. Allen thinks his parents were prob-ably not alcoholics–“drinking too much,” in hisdad’s dictionary, meant a couple of cocktails eachevening–but he remembers knowing that his par-ents were not available to him while they drank.

Allen’s conclusion was, “A person cannot take com-

When a childbonds with hisfantasy ofcomfort insteadof the provider ofthe comfort hebecomes lockedinto a self-defeating cycle.He can’t breakthe bond he hasformed with hisfantasy, becausethat would meanfeeling theoverpoweringpain ofdisconnection.


fort or pleasure from a beverage and maintain a connec-tion with me at the same time.” Thirty years later,the sight of his wife cupping her hands around amug of hot coffee can leave him feeling like aneight-year-old competing with glass full of liquidfor his parents’ attention. In the past, Allen naggedhis wife about her “caffeine addiction.” Now he re-alizes that he felt the pain of that childhood aban-donment whenever he saw Carolyn “involved” witha cup of coffee. (“I would think, ‘Now I have to com-pete with that.’”) He responded by trying to get heraway from her magical beverage since, accordingto his eight-year-old self, that was what created thedisconnection. (Incidentally, this is a classic exampleof an old, unhealed wound being triggered by a pre-sent event which in turn activates an aspect of thesurvival plan. Allen’s fears of abandonment hadnothing to do with current events. Carolyn washappy and committed to their marriage.)

GOOD OBSERVERS, BAD INTERPRETERS

Like all children, Allen was great at noticingwhat was happening around him. However, all chil-

dren are handicapped by a number of factors intheir ability to draw accurate conclusions. Thesefactors are:• They don’t know the details. In Allen’s case, thatmeans he didn’t know what was in the glasses. Alsohe could not have any idea of the emotional forcesthat drove his parents to use the alcohol in the firstplace or that part of what made his parents unavail-able was the numbing effects of the alcohol.• They are egocentric. Whatever happens, happensto or because of them.• They think in black-and-white terms. Being ableto perceive the shades of gray comes with physicaland emotional maturity. In the meantime, theircaregivers are either loving and supportive or coldlyabandoning. There are no shades of gray.

As a result children, although they are excellentobservers, are poor interpreters. Keenly sensitiveto broken connections, a child will tend mistakenlyto conclude that such a break means something badabout his intrinsic value. (This is, incidentally, howshame is born.)

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THE STAYING POWER OF FALSE HOPE

False hope is tenacious. Even when forced (byoutright physical abandonment, for example) toface the fact that their caregivers cannot give themwhat they need, children often will simply switchthe object of their happy-ending fantasy to some-one they invent: imaginary friends or “real” par-ents who will return someday to take them home.In that case, their happy-ending fantasy might looksomething like this. These people–my caregivers–can’t/won’t/don’t love me. But that’s not so important,because my real family will be back to get me as soon asthey can, and they love me the way I need.

Some children, faced with the hopelessness ofgetting the love they need, transfer their hope toreal people–friends, romantic interests, other rela-tives, teachers, gangs–and revise their happy endingfantasy to: These people–my caregivers–can’t/won’t/don’t love me the way I need. But that’s not so im-portant because my boyfriend knows me better thananyone, loves me the way no one else does, and willalways be there for me.

It is important to note that false hope focused ona person has nothing to do with whether thatperson is actually capable of loving you. The aim ofthe false hope–whether with a person, behavior, orsubstance is to bring about the sense of connectionand safety that feels like love to a child. Many peoplemay be capable of loving you as an adult, but noone in the present can provide the sense of well-being that you needed and didn’t get as a child.Often people living under the terms of their sur-vival plan give up relationships with truly lovingpeople because they are still looking for the “per-fect” love of childhood.

Children who give up on people may transfertheir hope to material goals, work, philosophies,hobbies, television, computers, chemicals, food,music–anything that seems to fill the hole for alittle while. Their false hope may be, Thesepeople–my caregivers–can’t/won’t/don’t love me. Butthat’s okay, because making the honor role does it forme.

FALSE HOPELESSNESS AND THEHAPPY-ENDING FANTASY

Some children are disappointed so many timesin trying to fulfill their false hope that they switch

to false hopelessness. They come to believe that theysimply can’t get the love and connection they need.For them, hope lies not in achieving love but inavoiding pain. The best happy ending they darehope for is safety, invisibility, and making itthrough the day.

If false hope is a pair of rose-colored glasses,false hopelessness is a pair of dark glasses, tinted bydespair, that make every day cloudy. Children wearthe glasses of hopelessness so they won’t suffer thepain of one more crushing disappointment. Life isno fun this way, since the hopelessness glasses blockout the glow of love, affection, and sincere appreci-ation, but at least you can feel safe from the hurt ofunrealistic expectations. If you assume that thepeople you care about most won’t love you back,you can dull the ache of that loss.

Cathie is a good example of the way childrencome to false hopelessness. Her dad, embittered bya career-derailing layoff when he was forty-three,told her repeatedly, “Cath, the world is full of bas-tards.” She grew up believing that she had to pro-tect herself from people by being clever, quiet orgood enough, by deciphering the rules and follow-ing them to the letter, or by tricking people intogiving her what she wanted. It wasn’t an optimisticway of looking at life but it made Cathie feel thatshe had a method of avoiding the terror of beingcontrolled by people who didn’t care what hap-pened to her.

One of the seductive aspects of false hopeless-ness is that, like false hope, it contains an element oftruth. There are people in the world like the oneswho laid off Cathie’s dad. Wayne’s dad was aworkaholic, and it was true that there was no wayfor Wayne to get his attention. Toni’s s divorcedmom was happier when she was alone than whenshe had a boyfriend, since all her boyfriends wereabusive.

So if the hopelessness is based in reality, whatmakes it false? It becomes false when children,being what they are, generalize. Wayne constructedan emotional syllogism something like this, There isno way to get through to my father; My father is a man.Therefore, there is no way to get through to any man.

Wayne was right about his dad, but inaccuratewhen he lumped one hundred percent of the rest of


the male population of the world in the same cate-gory. This false conclusion however was essential tohis survival. It allowed him to believe what all chil-dren must believe, that his father was as whole andloving as he could expect any man to be. It pro-tected Wayne from the devastating knowledge that,in fact his father was unreachable because of hiswounds. Toni’s false hopelessness (all relationshipsare painful and abusive for women) protected herfrom knowing that her mother was too woundedto choose loving boyfriends. Because of her falsehopelessness (the world is full of bastards), Cathiecould blame her father’s misfortune and his subse-quent bitterness on a cruel, uncaring world. Shedidn’t have to face the fact that her father was toowounded to overcome the rage and pain he feltwhen he lost his job.

False hopelessness creates a negative, self-de-feating lifestyle. It acts like a pair of psychic blind-ers, shutting out all evidence of hope, love, orchange for the better. In our therapy groups, wehave watched people attached to false hopelessnessfail to hear positive comments and feedback fromothers. These folks don’t just ignore positive re-marks or brush them off with, “Yeah, but…” Ifasked, they will faithfully repeat, word for word,everything except the positive content. They actu-ally don’t seem to hear or remember the wordsbeing spoken. That’s how powerful false hopeless-ness can be.

YOUR HAPPY-ENDING FANTASY TODAY

Today, your happy-ending fantasy may take anynumber of forms. Usually, it can be expressed as an“if… then” statement:

If I eat just one more piece of chocolate cake withrocky road ice cream on top, then my bad feelingswill go away and I won’t feel so alone.If you would just express yourself more fully, then our relationship would be better for both of us.If I have children, then I will be content.If you would quit drinking, then we could be ahappy family.If I act as if know what I’m doing, then people willtreat me as if I belong here.If I can just find the right relationship, then I willbe happy.If I learn to play the piano, then I will be fulfilled.

If God really loved me, then I wouldn’t be so lonelyand scared.If I get that promotion, then I’ll have it made.

However, this if… then form does not define ahappy-ending fantasy. Many if… then statementsare true and helpful. If I manage my time more effi-ciently and work more diligently, I will have more clientsand therefore more money is a good example of a busi-ness goal founded in reality and focused on anarrow, tangible, and achievable result.

What does define the happy-ending fantasy isthe second element of the if… then form. The“then” portion of a fantasy carries the promise ofliving happily ever after–a broad sense that “life itselfwill be okay” if the condition is met. The goal of ahappy-ending fantasy is both intangible andworthy: feeling approved-of, safe, powerful, sexy,happy, or worthwhile. But it is based on the as-sumption that the source of our pain is external andtherefore can be remedied by changing external cir-cumstances. As a result, happy-ending fantasiesplace responsibility for your happiness on someoneor something else or require you to make an unre-alistic assessment of your own responsibility or ca-pabilities. When a goal is part of a happy-endingfantasy, it is also a substitute for what you’re reallylooking for: love and connection.

For example, the business goal described abovebecomes a fantasy if it ends with something like“…and then my relationship with my spouse will beokay.” While it may be true that your spouse willgripe less about the bills if there is more moneyaround, it is unlikely that working more and havingmore money will solve problems in your relation-ship that make you feel inadequate, lost, and alone.

Happy-ending fantasies wear all kinds of re-spectable disguises. You may want to have children,and having children may bring you great joy andsatisfaction. But having children is not the HolyGrail. It will not give you endless fulfillment, eter-nal happiness, and peace of mind if your real prob-lem is unhealed wounds. Neither will finding theright job, getting your spouse to quit drinking,losing thirty pounds, getting married, getting di-vorced, or finding the perfect type of therapy. Out-side solutions never fix inside problems.

Unless the actions described in the “if” portion


require you to drop your walls and be authenticwith yourself or others and the effects described inthe “then” portion are realistic, attainable, and ob-servable, you are dealing with a fantasy. Even if yousucceed in fulfilling the “if” condition, the effects ofyour success will be fleeting; you will need to repeatthem or rewrite them, usually in larger and largerforms, to feel their effects. Furthermore they sup-port your false hope that someone will love you inprecisely the way you needed to be loved as a child,and so the conditions become self-perpetuating.

SYMPTOMS OF AN ACTIVEHAPPY-ENDING FANTASY

1. Anesthesia use2. A vocal inner critic3. A tendency toward gullibility4. Chronic overachieving (that is pursuing goals

in a driven way, achieving them, then finding thatyou don’t feel better for more than a little while)

5. Chronic underachieving (that is aspiringtoward appealing goals but never achieving them)

6. A pattern of regular “closeness-shutdowncycles,” in which you seek closeness but uncon-sciously withdraw as soon as you achieve it (for ex-ample, by picking a fight, becoming very busy withwork, or finding something to criticize)

7. A tendency toward compulsivity8. A tendency to rescue others, engage in “care-

taking,” turn people into improvement projects orbecome involved with people who have greathidden potential that somehow never manifests

9. Often believing in someone or something,then feeling hopeless, victimized, and betrayedwhen your hopes in that someone or something aredashed

10. A tendency to practice “image management,”wherein you present to others a carefully coachedand edited version of yourself in the hope that youwill gain their approval–or at least that they won’tsee you as negatively as you see yourself

11. A tendency to insist on being right, evenwhen it means sacrificing your happiness, peace ofmind, or ability to love

HAPPY-ENDING FANTASIESFOR THE FALSELY HOPELESS

If your happy-ending fantasy is founded on falsehopelessness instead of false hope, your if… then

statements may look more like one of the following:

If people could really be trusted, then I wouldn’t beso lonely (but they can’t be trusted, so I’m doomedto loneliness, but at least I won‘t make the mistakeof getting close to one of them and really gettinghurt).If relationships were anything other than painful,then I would have one (but they’re not, so I’mgoing to stay safe by not taking a chance on any re-lationship).If people were really considerate, then I would bemore loving (but they aren’t considerate, so I’mnot going to waste my energy learning to lovethem, and that way I can be safe from their hurt-ful ways).

If false hope encourages a “happily ever after”point of view, false hopelessness prepares you for an“unhappily ever after” sort of world. The best happyending you can hope for under these circumstancesis usually simply to avoid getting hurt. So hopeless-ness adherents strive for safety. “Love and connectionare impossible for me, so I won’t even think about it. Iwill adjust to the idea that it isn’t available.”

Such a conclusion is likely to leave you feelingangry and resentful. False hopelessness is danger-ously close to the line between survival and emo-tional or physical death. People on the false hope-lessness end of the scale often are chronicallydepressed or are underachievers, or both. Somestep over the line into suicide. Hopeless peopletend to turn their anger into blame; they blamethemselves for being too defective to create the lovethey need, or they blame others for being too de-fective to provide it. People who build their happy-ending fantasies on false hope tend to find it easierto open up to healing, since they are usually morewilling to maintain relationships with others. Rela-tionships provide the raw material we need to healour wounds.•

From “Sensible Self-Help,” by David Grudermeyer, RebeccaGrudermeyer and Lerissa Patrick. “Sensible Self-Help,” canbe ordered through Resources on page 80, from your localbook store, or from the Willingness Works Press, 1155Camino Del Mar #516, Del Mar, CA 92014.

56

S W A M I C H E T A N A N A N D A

Will I Be theHero of My Life?

Everybody walks around with grace in their life. There is no person in whose life it is not present.

Indeed, our very existence is an expression of grace. The problem is that we don’t recognize what it

is; we don’t know how to connect to it and even after we have connected to it, we usually don’t have

the skill to sustain the connection.


American-Born Swami Chetanananda brings a rich contem-porary Western perspective to his articulation of the practice ofmeditation, spiritual work, and the Eastern philosophy ofKashmir Shaivism. Chetanananda founded the NityanandaInstitute now headquartered in Portland, Oregon.Chetanananda is the author of many works, including “TheOpen Moment,” “The Breath of God,” “The Logic of Love,”and “Dynamic Stillness Volumes 1 and 2.”

Loosely speaking, the vital force ofLife Itself has two states: crystalliza-tion and flow. Yet it is still one thing,in two different conditions. Grace iswhat we call that condition whensuddenly something appears to comeout of nothing. What really happens

though is that because we surrender–because weconsciously or even inadver-tently release some tension andopen ourselves to the situation,suddenly energy resourcesappear and patterns are trans-formed. A sudden surge of vital-ity becomes available to us. Welook around from that change inour own inner state and dis-cover that our view of our hori-zons is now quite different.

From our biological perspec-tive, we have little real choice inour lives beyond the activitiesrelated to eating and reproduc-ing. This is what makes thewhole question of effort andnon-effort in relation to grow-ing such an interesting one.What in fact does take usbeyond the dictates of that bio-logical program? To use slightlydifferent language, there aregaps in the programming, and itis those gaps that we take advan-

tage of. By recognizing the fundamental electronicsat the core of the program, we develop the potentialboth to dissolve the programming and to recognizethat the disk itself is part of a system much largerthan we had imagined.

After a lot of hard work to master the variousstrategies of a spiritual practice, we arrive at a stagewhere we recognize that, in a real way, we have nohope of doing anything further to bring about anawakening within ourselves. Working harder issimply impossible. We even enter a kind of darkperiod as we realize that there is nothing we cando–and that it has been that way all along. There isonly surrendering ourselves into stillness–and thatis where we meet up with grace.

Talking about surrendering ourselves into still-ness raises an interesting question. Is it that we haveremembered stillness and thus entered into it orhas stillness remembered us and tapped us on the

shoulder to say, “Here I am”...?My own feeling in this matter

is that ultimately it is stillnessthat comes for us, asserting itspresence, compelling our atten-tion and recognition. I find thisperspective the most likely be-cause of the degree to which ourbiological imperatives ordinarilycloud our take on things. This iswhy many people go throughlife with little if any consciouscontact with stillness.

So, here is where we come tothe question of grace. Why is itthat stillness taps you on theshoulder and not somebodyelse? Or more to the point, ifstillness is tapping everyone onthe shoulder all the time, what isit that moves you to listen andsomeone else to ignore it?

What role does effort play inthe whole event? I would saythat while effort tills the soil,what makes the real difference is

Because wesurrender,because weconsciouslyor eveninadvertentlyrelease sometension andopen ourselvesto the situation,suddenly energyresources appearand patterns aretransformed.


our capacity for surrender. Inother words, love and devotionare the key. Beyond this, there islittle to say about grace.

Looking back on my own ex-perience, I can only concludethat there is some force at workthat I haven’t the words to de-scribe. There is somethingwithin ourselves that is movingus. Given the choices, I don’tthink that many of us have thesense to pick ourselves up out ofthe soup in which we live andmove toward something finerand deeper on our own. Indeed,I think that this is probably thelast choice that most people grabhold of. So, there is some force,something that stirs within us,independent of our will, thatonly becomes an active presencein our lives when we will our-selves to surrender.

Interestingly, this somethingcontinues to stir no matter howmany times we stomp on it, nomatter how many ways we bend, twist, and shred it.It continues to compel us to want to know and un-derstand it. It is not exactly that we do this, butrather that this thing within us moves us to know it.

It is one’s passion for living and growing. It isnot a passion that we choose. Rather, it is simplythere, its depth and breadth to discover on a dailybasis. Can we say that we choose any of this? Onlyin the sense that we make the choice to keep turn-ing back toward it–to keep exploring and cultivatingthat vital force–instead of turning our backs on it.

Any discovery process is largely a matter of will,work, a lot of grace, and no small amount of sur-render. We all have any number of illusions aboutwho we are, what we can do, and where we aregoing. Moving along through the world, mostly wediscover that we are not what we thought we were,they are not who we thought they were, and it isnot what we thought it was.

What does that do to us? Iteither makes us deeply dis-turbed–or deeply happy andfree. Some people become cyni-cal and unhappy because theirillusions are gone, and theylament, “Oh, what has my lifedone to me?” But others look atthat same situation and say,“Okay, I was wrong. So where isthe truth?”

That is where grace comesin. What is it that causes us torecognize when we have beendoing something that is notquite right and to start lookingfor the shift? Many people con-tinue to do the disharmoniousthing until they self-destruct.Others don’t. So, what subtleinspiration makes the differ-ence? This is difficult to say. Inspiritual practice, one worksdeeply and one works a lot. Andgrace enters.

The reason we think “spon-taneous” when referring to

grace or to any kind of deep. intuitive perception isbecause they exist beyond the realm of time andspace. They are always spontaneous because theyoccur in infinity.

If we enter any situation mentally, philosophi-cally, or emotionally inflexible, this inflexibility be-comes a point of weakness that ultimately denies usaccess to the highest reality. Likewise, people whohave no capacity to serve deny themselves access tothat reality by this rigidity.

In this context, what is grace? Grace is service. Itis both serving God and being served by God. Tosay this is nothing other than to describe the self-liberating, self-actualizing creative energy of LifeItself.•

From “Will I Be the Hero of My Own Life?” by SwamiChetanananda. Copyright 1995 by Swami Chetanananda.Printed with permission from Rudra Press.

It is one’spassion forliving andgrowing.Wemake thechoice to keepturning backtoward it–tokeep exploringand cultivatingthat vitalforce–insteadof turning ourbacks on it.

59

Redefining MasculinityA N D R E W K I M B R E L L

Men are now at a critical crossroad in understanding and dealing with their gender. Many men

are courageously struggling to lessen the suffering and heal the wounds that society and its mascu-

line mystique have inflicted on so many boys and men. Their important work constitutes a new

manifesto for the men’s movement and masculinism. However it is not only men who need healing

and rehabilitating but also masculinity itself. As men are being buffeted by a whirlwind of painful

new employment realities, gender-role reversals, family breakdowns, and demeaning public and

media perceptions about maleness, they remain confused about the very nature of masculinity

itself. The result is mass male vertigo–no one, it seems, knows what it means to be a “man” today.TO

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Andrew Kimbrell is an attorney, writer,and activist. He is the author of “TheHuman Body Shop” and “101 Ways toSave the Earth.” He is the director of theInternational Center for Technology As-sessment in Washington, D.C. The fol-lowing is from “The Masculine Mys-tique” by Andrew Kimbrell. Copyright1993 by Andrew Kimbrell. Printed bypermission of Ballantine Books, a Divi-sion of Random House Inc.

In the midst of this confu-sion several divergentpaths are being suggestedto men as a solution tothe crisis in the definitionof masculinity. Manycommentators are sug-

gesting that one way for men toreclaim masculine identity is astaunch resistance to change.Men are urged to stay in the har-ness and continue to follow, byintent or inertia, the dictates ofthe masculine mystique. Thismeans the continued glorificationof productivity, competition, theprofit motive, and technologicalpower. It means the embracing of the hidden crisisas an inevitable cost of being a modern man, ac-cepting the destruction of boys and men as the nec-essary transaction costs of doing business in our so-ciety. It means that men will continue to projecttheir “masculinity” into machines, leaving preciouslittle for themselves. It means that they will likelylive lives of servility, in constant fear of losing em-ployment and thereby being stripped of the onlyremaining badge of masculinity in our culture. Itmeans that they will experience daring, adventure,power, sexuality, and the wilderness primarily asvoyeurs sitting before flickering screens in thehours not consumed by work in the industrial andpost-industrial workplace.

Those advocating the reaf-firmation of the masculinemystique see men working tochange society’s concept of themasculine as a collection of“crybabies” and “wussies,”reminiscent of the same type ofridicule tendered to the earlyenvironmentalists (tree-hug-gers) and feminists (bra-burn-ers). Even veterans and non-custodial fathers who fight fortheir rights or complain oftheir treatment are viewed, inthe best tradition of SocialDarwinism, as a bunch of“losers,” men who should stop“whining” and “suck it up” or“move on.”

Some men argue for a verydifferent way of dealing withthe current crisis. They rejectthe masculine mystique byjoining the rising chorus ofthose who view masculinity asessential ly dysfunctional.These men advocate an im-plicit or explicit “misandry”[hatred of men] They share thesexist assumption that malegenes, hormones, physiology,and psychology are responsible

for war, environmental devastation, rape, physicalabuse, and on and on. They advocate the mistakennotion that the masculine mystique is the way menhave always been and always will be. They view theoppressive and destructive elements of our currentsocial system, not as antithetical to real masculinitybut rather as the final collective expression of male-ness and “patriarchy.” The destruction of father-hood and the oppression of the vast majority ofmen under this system are generally ignored. Eventhe societal abuses that women take partin–whether in the realms of politics, business,spousal or child abuse, consumerism, or destruc-tion of nature–are laid at the feet of masculinity. In

If technologyis not to playa whollydestructive partin the futureof WesternCivilization wemust now askourselves, forthe first time,what kind ofsociety andwhat kind ofman arewe seeking toproduce?—Lewis Mumford


fact for many misandrists, maleness itself is viewedas an “ontological evil.”

Since the 1970’s many men especially in acade-mia have purveyed misandry. Men who follow themisandrist path are caught in a debilitating bind.They view themselves as oppressors, yet like mostmen experience victimization on the personal andsocial level. Moreover to the men who live underthis ideological regime, their very masculinity isseen as an intrinsic negative, a physical and spiritual“minus sign” that must be expiated and purged.Paradoxically for them, being a man requires thedestruction of masculinity. The chilling extremeconclusion of this approach is that men need to besubjected to mass behavior or genetic modificationfor the good of society.

Some men reject both the masculine mystiqueand the misandrist paths by taking up the cudgels

for what can be termed equal opportunity mas-culinism. This wing of masculinism is founded onthe idea that “traditional” male-female roles havebecome dysfunctional in the last few decades due tomodern economics and technology. The more en-lightened thinkers in this camp see both men andwomen involved in a “gender transition” away fromtheir biological mandates and into a new gender re-ality free of sexism, one that provides equal oppor-tunity for all regardless of gender. These men gen-erally applaud the feminist movement for freeingwomen to become effective participants in the eco-nomic system. However, they now claim that thependulum has swung too far in the feminist direc-tion. They see men still stuck in their traditional“chivalric” roles in regards to women. This resultsin equal opportunity for women but also in a con-tinuation of the reality that men still do the dan-T

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gerous jobs, bear the primary burden in bread win-ning, die earlier of stress diseases, commit moresuicide, and are killed in battle. These activists lookfor equal participation by men and women in thearmed forces, in the workplace, in the home, and inthe marketplace. They urge men to eschew out-moded “chivalry” and to change laws and practicesso that the genders are on a truly equal playingfield.

While often eloquent in their attack on inequal-ity in awarding custody to fathers and in their de-fense of men’s health, these masculinists have fewstructural criticisms of our current economicsystem and offer men no real vision of what itmeans to be a man. Rather they seem to be advo-cating that both genders become a new breed ofandrogynous competitors in the technological state.Further, while these equal-opportunity masculin-ists often fight valiantly against injustice to men,their view can quickly degrade into a simple siblingrivalry between equal-opportunity masculinists andequal-opportunity feminists over who is getting theworse deal from the system.

As men search for direction, it is increasingly ap-parent that none of the paths outlined above offersa sustainable future for masculinity. Neither sur-rendering to the masculine mystique nor obeyingthe siren call of misandry will suffice to quell thecurrent crisis in defining masculinity. Nor will callsfor equal-opportunity masculinism.

There is, however, yet another path, one thatmight be termed deep (or transformative) mas-culinism. Transformative masculinism calls for agender revolution based on the rediscovery of mas-culinity as a primal generative and creative force. Itinvolves an historic analysis of the masculine mys-tique and its decimation of older traditions of mas-culinity. It does not romanticize past cultures butdoes attempt to preserve from them traditions thatmight contribute to a sustainable masculinity in thetwenty-first century. It seeks to provide a variety ofmasculine ethics that both protect the masculineand enable men and society to find real-life solu-tions to the profound structural problems that havecreated the hidden crisis for men.

The significant contribution of the myth making

wing of the men’s movement to this deep masculineperspective is its understanding that every revolu-tion has to be in part a revival, that the men’s move-ment must face the current crisis of their genderwith a call to reawaken lost images and ethics ofmasculinity. A men’s movement cannot by defini-tion be involved in the annihilation of the essenceof masculinity that has been distilled over countlessgenerations of men. It cannot fall into the view thatall past cultural traditions of masculinity have beenmade obsolete by modernity and ignore the hungeramong men for a recovery of masculine meaning intheir lives and work.

A rediscovery of traditional concepts of mas-culinity and the discovery of a new, relevant mas-culinity for our times must begin by rejecting themachine, competition, profit, and power-menmyths of the masculine mystique. Transformativemasculinity advocates empathy over the masculinemystique’s idolization of efficiency, cooperationand community over the competition obsession,generativity and generosity over the profit motive,stewardship of life over technological exploitation,and replacing destructive power with “nutrient”power.

As part of the recovery of masculinity, RobertBly and others have also called for a recognitionand reaffirmation of the “Wild Man”–a call formodern men to come to terms with their sexualityand power and reject the cerebral, desiccated worldof the efficient managers of modernity. Sam Keenhas expounded the virtues of wonder, moral out-rage, a “heartful mind,” and communion. Yet thereis one ethic that stands out above all others as thekey to the transformation of masculinity. It goesfarther than other masculine traditions in repairingthe Procrustean amputation of the masculine thattook place during the industrial age. It is also anantidote to the infantilism and sibling bickeringthat have become more frequent in current genderconfrontations. Moreover, it also retains the bestof the hard-won masculinity of prior ages and yetcreates the basis for a masculinist political platformfor the next century. It stands as a central conceptleading to the reconnection of men to each other,


to family, community, and the earth. It is the ethicof husbandry.

HUSBANDRY

The word husbandry is derived from a combina-tion of the Old English husbonda (“bonded tohome”) and the Old Norse word bua (“to dwell”).The “husband” was a term originally used to dis-tinguish the household dweller from the nomad.Husbandry later came to be synonymous with thecraft of farming. For the husbandman, the mascu-line was seen in terms of a deep relationship to wife,children, community, and soil. Jungian psychologistand author Robert Mannis has been among themost eloquent proponents of a reawakening of hus-bandry.

The essence of husbandry is a sense ofmasculine obligation–generating and main-taining stable relationships to one’s immedi-ate family and to the earth itself. At its heart,husbandry reflects a bonding to both familyand nature through a clear appreciation of theresponsibility inherent in the role of provider,caretaker, and steward. As men have increas-ingly been wrenched from their families andthe earth upon which they worked, they havelost their appreciation for what it meant tolive the role of the steward of the land andcaretaker of our resources. Over the genera-tions there has been a considerable erosion inthe sustaining identity of the role of husband.

The gross reduction in the meaning of the word“husband” over the last several centuries–from aterm signifying a rich group of masculine relation-ships to family, community, earth, and animals to apale term for one part of the diminished nuclearfamily–parallels the pauperization of the meaningof masculinity in the lives of modern men. Ofcourse it would be impracticable, if not impossible,for most of us to return literally to the role of hus-bandmen to animals and the soil. However thespirit of this relationship can be applied to men incontemporary life. In its renewed sense, drawnfrom its historical ancestry, husbandry implies thecaring for others, one’s family, and community aswell as the larger biotic community with whom we

share the natural world. Moreover husbandry alsosuggests a sense of pride for men, a pride gained inthe purposeful care of their own health and that oftheir families and friends, and in the stewardshipof the earth’s land and its limited resources. Hus-bandry reflects the ultimate expression of masculinegenerativity and power and thus is an ethic aroundwhich a community of men can grow. It brings arenewed sense of purpose, relationship, and mean-ing that is lost to many men of today. As Sam Keenwrites,

I know of no single honorific that defines aman so much as the verb “to husband”… Ahusbandman may or may not plow and sowcrops, but he certainly must take care of theplace with which he has been entrusted. Tohusband is to practice the art of stewardship,to oversee, to make judicious use of things,and to conserve for the future. The image isas central to gay men, bachelors, and widow-ers living in high rise apartments as it is tomarried or landed householders. Psychologi-cally, the husbandman is a man who has madea decision to be in place, to make commit-ments, to forge bonds, to put down roots, totranslate the feeling of empathy and compas-sion into an action of caring.

To husband actively, without domination or ex-ploitation, can reawaken the male spirit from defeatand isolation. A renaissance and revolution of hus-bandry will help heal the woundedness of body andspirit men now suffer. A masculinist revolution, onebased in husbandry, will need to be in part a quietone as men listen to one another and to theirbodies, and study the meaning of masculinity inother cultures and times. But it must also be a noisyone. For such a social movement will require anear-constant confrontation with current economicand social structures. It will oppose the defectiveview of masculinity espoused by the masculine mys-tique and will fight the growing trend towardmisandry. It will struggle to recover fatherhood,real work, male community, and stewardship.•

64

Nurturing theWish to Create

E R I C M A I S E L

You are wishing to create. This wish is an exhortation, a command from deep within yourself. It

cries out to be realized; it demands that you serve your own purposes. Maybe you call it by another

name: desire, dream, passion, need, want, urge, itch, obsession. Maybe it exists only in a diluted

form but still you feel it. You may even fear it but still you feel it. The wish to create.

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Eric Maisel, Ph.D., is the author of five novels and “A Life inthe Arts.” He is a psychotherapist specializing in the problemsparticular to artists. He lectures and teaches workshopsthroughout California and lives in the San Francisco Bay area.

Iam certain that you possess it. But do younurture and honor it? Not so many peopledo. It is altogether likely that this wish tocraft your thoughts and feelings into art, awish that is your birthright but that re-quires stubborn nurturance to survive intactis dimmer and more distant now than

when, as a child, you drew or sang. This dimmingand distancing of the wish to create is as sad an ex-perience as any we can name.

What caused the wish to grow dim? The factthat in most of us more anxiety is generated by cre-ating, or by contemplating creating, than is gener-ated by not creating. In the working artist the scalesare tipped in favor of creating, even though creatingmakes her anxious; in the blocked or would-beartist the scales are tipped in favor of not creating,even though she experiences that state asnerve-wracking in its own right. In each case theperson is making a calculation, out of consciousawareness, about where less anxiety resides.

Like a Lawrence Olivier who experiences severestage fright but still acted, like a Maria Callas whoexperienced severe stage fright but still sang, it isour job to exclaim, “Both creating and not creatingmake me anxious, and I choose the anxiety of creating.”The task is to replace paralyzing anxieties withhungry-mind anxiety, with the anxiety of wanting sobadly to create that the walls of Jericho will not standup to our trumpeting. This is perhaps a strangeidea, that our goal is not to grow calmer but to sub-stitute one anxiety for another. But in fact everychallenge in life is met exactly that way.

You choose to do something challenging not be-cause you expect a worry-free experience, but be-cause you want the experience so badly that youaccept beforehand the new anxieties you are about toencounter. Typically you make this calculation out

of conscious awareness, and indeed if the calcula-tion enters awareness, the likelihood is great thatyou’re leaning toward avoiding the challenge. If yousay, “Yes, I’m unhappy not writing my novel butwriting it would be really difficult,” you’re heavilyleaning toward not writing it or any novel.

Calculations in favor of accepting the anxiety ofcreating are made, in the lucky predisposed creator,out of conscious awareness. If you have to makethat calculation consciously, you have a harder jobof it than does the artist who knew at eight that shewould paint or write. But that is exactly the job youhave, hard as it is: to nurture the wish to create, toaccept that you will be made anxious by creating, toaffirm your own hungriness.

How will you do that? How will you becomethis hungry person, this person who must create atall costs? The answer is by becoming that person; thatis, by transforming yourself into a person who man-ifests the qualities of a productive artist.

SUBLIMATION AND SELF-ACTUALIZATION

Thousands of writers have had something to sayabout this wish to create, about creativity and itssources. As a rule, each has settled on one or theother of two governing metaphors to explain it: cre-ativity as sublimation or creativity as actualization.

As sublimation, art-making is seen as a substitutefor living, a way of fulfilling one’s secret, illicitwishes, an instinctual process that helps defuse dan-gerous impulses and helps channel drives in sociallyacceptable ways. As self-actualization, art-makingis seen as the embodiment of one’s noblest aspira-tions, one of the higher things that human beingsare capable of doing, a perfectly natural and healthything, a spiritual or heroic journey. Hermann Hessemarried these two ideas in the following way:

All our art is merely compensation, apainstaking compensation far too dearlybought, for lost life, lost animality, lost love.And yet again this is not so. To regard spiri-tual life as a mere substitute for a deficientlife of the senses is to overestimate the senses.The life of the senses is not worth a jot morethan the life of the spirit, or conversely.

No doubt you too have your reasons, some pos-

itive, some negative, for wanting to create. You want glory.You can’t help yourself. You have ideas. You love color.You have to pass the time somehow. Books feel likesemi-sacred objects. You want fame. You have a destiny.Each story you write heals you. You don’t want to be adoctor or a lawyer. There is a vast tradition behind you.You have your reasons.

It is in your blood. But how diluted a thing it is in thebloodstream of so many! How faint a trace, like the faintesttrace of some radioactive material, some little glow thatserves only as a constant reminder, irritant, or reproach butnot as a real nutrient. This wish desperately needs nurtur-ing. It needs nurturing in working artists and in the millionsof souls who feel it but are not transformed by it into activecreators. The first step in its nurturance is the followingone: learning to quiet the mind, learning to “hush.”

HUSHING

Hushing is what we do when we go into a museum andsit in front of one painting for fifteen minutes. Hushing iswhat we do when we drink in a book or a movie. Hushing iswhat we do when we quiet our mind so as to catch thesnatch of melody or lyric that is wanting to arrive. Hushingis a quieting and an opening.

There is no creative life without this ability to hush. Ifyou hush only infrequently, if you hush when you en-counter someone else’s work but not in support of yourown work, you must learn to hush more. This dreaminess,this trance state, this place of reverie is the bedrock uponwhich art is built. If your mind is full of noise, you mustquiet it. If your mind is easily distracted, you must disciplineit. If you cannot hush, you cannot create.

One client, a songwriter, likened her thought processesto the autoscan function of a radio tuner. Her mind in-evitably raced on in an abrupt, jarring, unproductive way.Could she write the songs she wanted to write in so harsh amental environment? Of course she could not. Our worktogether necessarily focused on nurturing her ability tohush.

To create you must quiet your mind. You need a quietmind so that ideas will have the chance of connecting. Youare hushing your mind so that you can use your mind. Butmuch too often our mind is on autoscan, darting from onethought, usually a negative one, to another. On autoscanour mind operates something like this.

That letter she wrote to me–I thought she was myfriend–The hell with it–I’ve got to move from this place–If

66

EXERCISE HUSHING

You must stop your mind from op-erating on autoscan. Maintaining anautoscan mind is not way to live andno way to think.

Find a quiet place. If there is notquiet place in your environment, that’syour first task, to make a haven inwhich silence is available. Enter thatquiet place affirmatively by whispering,“I am hushing.” Continue saying“hush” or “s-s-s-sh.” Gently hush yourthoughts, just as if you were comfort-ing a baby.

Work to grow quiet inside.Thoughts will come but hush themaway. Work to hush your thoughtsuntil you have not thoughts, until youare just empty and breathing. This willtake some time. Don’t despair if youcan’t do it easily, quickly, or even atall. Just try. Hush and hush again.

When you’re as quiet as you feelyou can be, murmur to yourself,“Deeper.” Hush and wait. Feel yourbreathing deepen. Feel yourself de-scending. You will want to close youreyes. Go silently into the darkness.

You are entrancing yourself. Whatdo you see? Ideas will come to you,melodies, lyrics, images. The verydarkness will acquire a tone, the verysilence a music.

Something that passes by in thathushed stillness may seem especiallyimportant. That is an idea with vivac-ity. Hush again and hold it. Give it achance to grow more distinct. Hold itand nurture it until you can capture it.Then write it down, draw it, play it onthe piano.


TO

NY

STO

NE/P

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LG

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only I had some–Maybe I could as–Damn it–Was Isupposed to be somewhere–What–I can’t remem-ber–I’m losing my mind–I used to be able to paint,in school–What happened?–I hated that stuff at thegallery–How did he get that show?–Maybe–Where’s the cat?–Was that something?–Anidea–God, are my parents coming?–God!–I can’tstand it… I’ll kill myself before I put them up for aweek–Why can’t they–They can stay at amotel–Why did she write me that letter?–I’ll nevermake it–The weeds–

Where in that noise is there room for creating?Nowhere. That is a hopeless mental environ-

ment, one that must be transformed before ideaswill come.

Instead of pursuing the idea you may have justreceived, repeat this exercise. Right now you arepracticing hushing for its own sake. Feel secure thatyour vivacious idea is saved. Repeat this exerciseand hush again. See where your mind now takesyou. It may be obsessed with the previous idea,wanting to explore it and create from it. Explore itthen, but remain hushed!

Explore it in the quietest of all ways, in the si-lence of a working trance, with an absolutelyhushed mind. If your idea is vivacious and yourmind hushed, you will discover that you are notwishing to create, but creating.

Whether you’ve been creating for decades or arejust now starting, this is an exercise to return toagain and again. This is the most important singlething you can do to support your wish to create.Hush your busy mind. Go quiet. Depth will follow.

HOLDING

Out of this hushing will come ideas. Out of thiswild, quiet state will come visions. Out of thistrance come all the world’s symphonies, songs,paintings. This is the state of productive concentra-tion in which creative work happens.

But then the work must be “held.” “Holding” isshorthand for the following idea: once you nurtureyour wish to create, once you hush and go intothese periodic trances in which ideas gestate, youwill begin to possess emergent ideas which, in orderto grow in vivacity, must themselves be nurtured.

You “hold” precious both the feeling of workingand these nascent ideas. Suddenly the world be-

comes a more interesting place. The outer worldfeeds your inner world and you’re sent in one di-rection or another, to the library to look somethingup, to Bora Bora to learn about blue. Work is hap-pening underneath, in this place of inner quiet(which is also a wild place), but work is not happen-ing independent of you. You are holding it, giving itspace, giving it a container, offering it life.

Holding is the equivalent of working. The wishto create, vital in its own right, is transformed intosomething visceral as you hold. It is replaced byideas and you find yourself saying, “Yes, I mustwrite this book” or “Where are my paints?”

Or as you hold, you encounter something in theworld–a snatch of conversation, the look of aperson, a smell, a sound–which, because you areholding, rushes into the container you’ve formed.These snapshots have a place to go, a home, andwhen you begin on the movie or the poem, youhave it and a thousand other snapshots ready andwaiting to connect.

But only if you are holding. Otherwise thatsnatch of conversation is nothing, meaningless, apassing datum, a piece of nostalgia, something dis-turbing or interesting but without longevity. It isgone because it has no place to go. It is only if andwhen you are holding that ideas will arrive.

WILDNESS

You are learning to hush, hold, and unstall. Youmust also learn to be wild, to manifest the wildnessof an artist.

This wildness has many faces. It is an amalgamof passion, vitality, rebelliousness, nonconformity,freedom from inhibitions. Think of this wildnessas “working naked.” Sue Lowe, biographer ofGeorgia O’Keefe’s husband, the photographerAlfred Stieglitz, recounted the following anecdote,told by Stieglitz’s niece.

A tribe of us four little squaws dared theultimate hazardous mission into forbiddenterritory: scouting Georgia’s Shanty. Peeringthrough the window, we were dumbfoundedto find her naked at her easel. Georgia’s mo-mentary shock turned to immediate rage.Shrieking–and still naked–-she flew out, bran-dishing a paintbrush, to chase us away.

When friends come to call onMarc Chagall at his Paris Studio,they had to wait for him to pullon a pair of pants. He paintednaked. When Victor Hugo grewdistracted, he had his servantcome and take away his clothes.Writing naked freed him, fo-cused him, unblocked him.

This wildness is valuablebeyond all measure. It is alive-ness made manifest. A wildperson with a calm mind canmake anything. A hushed, wildperson is a god, a marvelousactor, a marvelous cellist, a mar-velous writer, a marvelous sculp-tor. Creators are hushed wildpeople.

NURTURING WILDNESS

How can you nurture thiswildness? Let’s look for a secondat the research literature on cre-ativity.

In one study that comparedchildren from homes with strictparents versus homes with per-missive parents, the children ofpermissive parents demonstratedmore initiative and indepen-dence and greater spontaneityand originality. In other studies,researchers concluded that au-thoritarianism and a demand forconformity crucially limited cre-ativity.

In a study of young art students, researchersfound that their subjects disagreed with society’smoral standards and did not hold as goals monetarysuccess or high social status. In a study of creativehigh school students, other researchers found that“creative high school students are more likely to beindependent, expressive, asocial, consciously origi-nal, and have high aspirations for their futureachievement, whereas academic achievers tend tobe persevering and sociable.”

Josephine Arasteh, in an exhaustive interpretive

and annotated bibliography ofthe psychological literature oncreativity called “Creativity inHuman Development” wrote,

In terms of personalitytraits, creative childrenare characterized as beinghighly sensitive to theirenvironment and at thesame time independentand nonconforming inthought and behavior.Weisberg and Springerconcluded that creativechildren significantlydemonstrated a strongerself-image and a liveliersense of humor than didchildren of comparableage and IQ. Creative chil-dren have also been de-scribed as more “open-minded,” responsive tostimuli , autonomous,honest in terms of livingtruthfully, and playful asrelated to spontaneity,joy, and humor than otherchildren.

If we take all these studiestogether we arrive at a wish listfor nurturing our own wildness.1. Be asocial by holding society andits norms at arm’s length. Let allof them gather over there. I

don’t care. I’m over here.2. Think about big questions. What is the very mostthat can be done with blue? How can I do it?3. Have high aspirations for yourself. I will tell thetruth and have a best-seller.4. Accept your own idiosyncratic goals. Today I willcompose naked and get two or three songs written.5. Feel autonomous. I am a creator. I am the god ofmy world.6. Do not conform. I must decide what is ethical andright.7. Be sensitive to human affairs. What would it feel


ACT“Holding” is a metaphor

which you must flesh out inorder for it to have personalmeaning. As a first step infleshing it out, carry your workaround with you for the nexthalf hour.

If you’re a sculptor, carry arock. Just carry it, feel it, thinkabout what it represents. Driftwith it to the Rockies, to thefirst time you ever encounteredbasalt. Feel it, heft it, carry it,hold it.

If you’re a composer, carryblank score paper. Or just carrya pen and paper for jottingdown musical ideas. Get up andcarry the pen and paper aroundwith you, walk from room toroom, take notice of the pencil,of its lightness, its heaviness.Honor it and hold it.

If you’re a writer, carry yourpad but as if it were a gift, nottucked away under your armbut in your outstretched hands.Carry it to the bathroom, tothe window. Offer your pad aview out the window. Hold it.


70

A N I N T E R V I E W W I T H R I C H A R D M O S S

B Y M A R Y N U R R I E S T E A R N S

Richard Moss received his Doctorate of Medicine in 1972. After a short general practice, he experienced life-changing realizationsthat led him to his true calling: the exploration of spiritual awakening and its integration into daily life. His books include “The IThat Is We,” “Surgery, Self-Healing Spirit,” “The Black Butterfly,” and his newest book, “The Second Miracle.” They have beentranslated into five languages and speak with exceptional clarity and insight into the obligations of and grace available to humanbeings at this time in our evolution. For twenty years Dr. Moss has worked intimately with groups, helping people throughout theworld to touch their deeper essence and transform their lives. He lives with his wife and has three step-children.

The Miracle ofSpiritual Evolution


PE R S O N A L TR A N S F O R M A T I O N: I am delighted toshare your new book, “The Second Miracle” with ourreaders. It is wise, inspiring, and filled with guidance forour spiritual journeys. To begin our interview, pleasedescribe the first miracle.

RI C H A R D: The first miracle is a way of expressing theamazing emergence in human beings of complex self aware-ness. We each have a sense of I or me, a sense of a worldoutside ourselves, a world of things and others. This splitbetween self and others is basic human consciousness. Itshallmark is the use of language and intricate symbology todescribe and relate to our world.

This kind of consciousness gives us great power. All ourtechnological achievements stem from it. But what we don’tunderstand, because we’re inside of it like a fish in theocean, is that intellect comes with a tremendous price.Whatever we think about, we are separate from. For exam-ple, ordinary intellect doesn’t perceive trees, minerals, orfish as inseparable parts of the dynamic wholeness of life onearth. They have become natural resources which are un-consciously exploited. This thinking extends to how wetreat each other and ourselves. We see people as objectsthrough labels such as attractive or unattractive, friend orfoe, and don’t see each other’s essence.

We become alienated from ourselves. Our bodiesbecome mechanisms to be shrunk with diets or fixed withchemicals instead of temples in which we celebrate the mir-acle of life. As long as our identity rests in concepts aboutourselves, we constantly feel threatened, like something ismissing. Underlying the first miracle is this deep sense ofdiscomfort and insecurity. Too many of us try to fill thisemptiness with material things or fantasies about ways wecan be happy and we never really connect to ourselves, toeach other, or to our world. I believe that this is the root ofthe soul sickness that has us on a collision course with sur-vival.

What is the emptiness that comes with this separation?

The Garden of Eden is a description of that evolutionarymoment when we stepped outside of ourselves and becameobservers of our world and of ourselves. As observers, wemake judgments–good or bad, right or wrong, yes or no.God becomes some higher authority that looks at us ratherthan at our own immediate relationship to things. The basisof the emptiness is a feeling that we are not connected. Wedon’t have security deep within our bodies because this con-

It is crucial that wenot be cynicalabout ourpossibility tochange. Weshouldn’t fora minutecompromise oursense of what ispossible in oursouls and ourgrowth. Wheneverfear seduces us, weneed to realize thatit isn’t a question ofmy life or personaltransformation asan end in itself.Personaltransformation ispart of evolution.The futuredepends upon thecapacities in each ofus, one by one, toopen our hearts tomystery.

sciousness is split off. It’s inevitable, not a mistake;it’s not as if we’ve done something wrong or arebeing punished. We are “that aspect of nature be-coming conscious of itself,” as Thomas Berry says.The price we pay for being that aspect of nature be-coming conscious of itself is that we become ob-servers of nature. Therein lies a loneliness, an exis-tential loneliness that is at the root of all our senseof malaise, of something being wrong. Most peopleare unconscious of this and project their unhappi-ness onto something their spouse has done or thejob they didn’t get. At a deep level, we have to en-counter that feeling of loneliness and see its realroots in our basic consciousness. Creatures whodon’t have first miracle consciousness don’t sufferfrom the feeling of being separate.

You say that with the capacity to perceiveseparation of self and others, the potential forcruelty, deceit, greed, jealousy, honor, compassion,and love comes into existence. Why is that so?

Look at instinct in animals. I used to herd cattleat a friend’s ranch and assisted in weaning and sep-arating the calves from the cows. The calves andcows bawled and suffered, but only for a few days.They then settled down and a couple of monthslater they didn’t know each other. To the degreethat we develop self-awareness and complex indi-viduality, we become attached and connected topeople and things. We can never forget the suffer-ing caused by separating human beings as the Nazisdid, separating parents from children and husbandsfrom wives, and herding them into cattle cars. Theconsequence of our consciousness is that the thingswe identify with positively (that support our egos)we treat well. Things that we don’t identify withpositively, or that are not supportive of our particu-lar conditioning, we treat as alien or other. We callone human being a friend and sacrifice for thatperson, and we call another an enemy and objectifythem in such a way that we can murder them andtake away their land, property, and freedom. Untilrecently there was a notion that some people haddivine rights and others did not, so some were freeand some were slaves. That thinking grew out ofour consciousness. We still look at the earth as

something separate. The belief that we can treatrain forests and the planet as enemies is rooted intoour consciousness. Once we perceive it differentlyand realize we are kindred with the earth, we beginto treat it as a desired and loved object, and care forand nurture it.

In your book you say, “Ego is the gift ofevolution. With this intelligence we dominaterather than worship the magnificent world. Wecan no longer allow ourselves to be devoured and todevour our world. Each of us must receive thewound of consciousness and then assume theresponsibility of consciousness.” Would you expandon this?

Yes, this is the wound the ego cannot heal. Theego cannot transform itself because it does notreally believe that it is part of something larger thanitself. We have to realize that our basic conscious-ness becomes destructive because it is rooted in sep-aration. The best place to see it is in our intimaterelationships. We start with a partner whom welove and see as a very special person. That objectifi-cation changes gradually as the complex parts ofour personalities get involved. We project other as-pects onto the person and pretty soon that personbecomes a less desired, neutral, or negative object.We begin to kill love. We poison our hearts andnot because of who the other person is. Our firstmiracle consciousness turns him or her into anobject whom we measure, judge, and interpret. Aslong as we use our intelligence this way, we in-evitably poison our experience of life. Yet we don’tknow how to get out of it. To me, that’s the essen-tial and deep meaning for the crucifixion. It is thecrucifiction of the ego that cannot heal itself,cannot fundamentally transform itself.

In the opening line of the “Gnostic Gospel Ac-cording to Thomas,” Jesus said, “Seek and nevercease seeking until you find, and when you find,you will be troubled. After you have been troubled,you’ll come to marvel and then you’ll reign overall.” You realize that this wounded ego cannot healitself. You can’t fix it by saving money, dumpingyour wife, or acquiring more property. You realizethe spiritual bankruptcy in the human soul at the



level of the first miracle and thatyou can’t escape it. And then thewound brings you to your knees.It’s almost as if you are awaken-ing from a dream and you can’tmake things feel alive anymore.It’s the dark night of the soul inits first stages. Everything in thedream that was precious andvaluable doesn’t satisfy any morebecause it is rooted in the oldconsciousness.

We have to live this processdeeply. We have to see the limi-tation of our intelligence every-where, even in the United Na-tions and the government. Wehave to stop throwing labels ateach other and realize that it isour consciousness at its presentlevel that is killing marriages,creating racism, exploiting theplanet, and poisoning things.The first miracle wound comesand you finally realize you can’tfix it by using positive thinking,affirmations, or reason. Finallyyou enter into a sacred relation-ship with mystery, become en-gaged with faith, and submit to adeeper intelligence. If you livelife deeply enough, you will dis-cover through this intelligencethat life evolves its enormouscomplexity without any helpfrom us, and that l i fe hasevolved us. Life didn’t evolve usso that we could learn to destroy everything; itevolved us so that we could learn to bear witness tothe miracle of existence.

Look at the difference between old and youngmidwives. An old midwife comforts and works withwomen in their labor. Experienced midwives havefewer complications than young midwives who domore intrusion. The same is true with medicine.Highly intrusive doctors have more problems than

doctors who intrude less. Whenwe look at our world as a prob-lem to be fixed, there are moreproblems to fix. It’s paradoxicalthat our consciousness, which isso creative and inquisitive, is in-trusive because it separates. Youcan only intrude on somethingyou’re separate from. You can’tintrude on something that’sinside of yourself, that you’reinside of. It’s the wounding ofthe ego that restores this be-longing and this is happeningnaturally whether we want it ornot. This transformative hap-pening is the second miracle.

What is the second miracle?

It’s the root of all great spiri-tual teachings. It’s an evolution-ary shift in our consciousnesswherein our relationship to ourlives, ourselves, and otherpeople is more immediate ordirect. It’s a quality of attentionthat gives us a sense of connec-tion and belonging. We getglimpses of this consciousness inmoments when we stop tryingto control, figure out, or fightlife. It makes us feel vulnerableat first. We begin to questionourselves and our motives as weprepare to live with fewer an-swers. We can’t be so dogmaticand automatic. There is less

conformity because we ask deeper questions andhave original perceptions and ideas. We see a largerpicture. We no longer unconsciously react out ofour past conditioning and we stop being victims ofour past. It is a consciousness in which the roots ofour being are living in the present moment and weare no longer victims of fear. The second miracle isa natural evolution that comes when the bankruptcyof our ordinary consciousness burns itself into our

If yourattention isconstantlyseduced bypopular media,you loseconnection tosomethinggenuine andreal and youare weakened.Your energy isliterally sappedaway and yourability to berelational,intimate, andloving isdiminished.

74

Second miracleconsciousness

opens us to theOne that is infinitemovement, infinite

potentiality andheightened energy.

In doing so it canendanger our ego ifthe ego structure is

not fully maturedor has been

compromised byearlier trauma. Butwhen these two, in

their archetypalessences as finite

self-existence andinfinite Oneness,

co-exist in a matureintegration we havediscovered our true

authenticity andtake our positions

in evolution asGod-man andGod-woman.


hearts. It’s not something we have to do; it’s something thatlife does. It is already happening; we just have to have faith.

With the second miracle, is there a fundamentaltransformation in the roots of our identity?

Yes. When I was thirty, nearly twenty years ago, I had aclassic experience of unitive consciousness where the senseof “I” and “other” collapsed and became a singular experi-ence of being. That experience changed the underlyingfoundation of my sense of self, so that it was no longer builton what I did, who I lived with, or my way of thinking. Inany given moment, I might be acting as a teacher, father, orhusband but if I say, “Who am I,” there is no answer, justspace. That’s what I mean by a fundamental shift. If aperson says I am a Muslim, Christian, or American and be-lieves these ideas are anything more than a functional iden-tity in this moment, that’s delusion, that’s the ego. Under-neath it, what we are is unnameable. When a person knowsthat, absolutely knows that, there is nothing to defend.Nothing can be taken away; nothing can threaten you inany deep way, and nothing is truly “other.” There is no“other.” That change happened to me and that is what I callthe “second miracle.” I believe that change is evolutionaryand it is coming upon more people. I have seen it. I knowit’s happening.

Please discuss intuition and its relationship to secondmiracle consciousness.

We usually think of intuition as a form of knowing thatcomes whole in itself. It doesn’t come through analysis, de-duction, or rational thinking. We don’t have good languageto describe the way consciousness operates in the secondmiracle evolutionary state. Intuition is a consciousness thatis rooted in the thinking, feeling, physical self, and beyondthe limits of the physical body in non-local reality. Intuitionis a harmony or flow with life as opposed to a process ofcognitive choices. There is always choice making in life,but there is choice making that comes from being separateand trying to judge or evaluate, and choice making thatcomes from being in a flow with what is–which is intuition.If you are disconnected from your body and live in yourhead, you have little intuition but you could be a great ac-countant. If you are deeply rooted in your body and in yourfeeling nature, intuition flows readily. Although you maynot be able to find words or concepts to explain it, you canmove with it and be right on with it.


You say that the second miracle doesn’t kill thefirst miracle ego. Ego remains and self-reflectiveconsciousness remains. The first miracle rests inthe second miracle. Please elaborate.

As little children we are merged with reality.Jesus said, “Save you be as little children you shallnot enter the kingdom.” We journey from undif-ferentiated consciousness to differentiation of theego where we have a sense of self. I can say that Iam Richard, you can say you are Mary, and soforth. With the second miracle, we go back to thecondition of a little child, where inner and outerare one, however we still have self awareness andcan use language. We still see trees. They are out-side and inside. We are connected, yet we also per-ceive them as separate. If we destroy ego, we goback into unconsciousness. We regress psychologi-cally into an earlier stage of development. There isanother kind of regression that makes us availableto this new consciousness. Philosopher MichaelWashburn calls it “regression in the service of tran-scendence.” Many people go through experienceswhere they feel like they are losing their memory,their lives are not working, they are out of control,or they don’t feel secure about who they are. Theyare often in the midst of regression in the service oftranscendence. People who tend to live in theirheads are overcome by feelings. Other people whoare dominated by feelings enter into a loss of feel-ing they distrust and confuse with numbness, butgradually this becomes silence. In healthy regres-sion the unlived, unused, or weaker functions ofconsciousness come to the fore to balance and makeus more whole.

You describe spiritual work primarily aslearning to love the Lord thy God with all thyheart and soul. How do we love what we can’tgrasp with thought?

I can’t tell you how. The commandment to lovethe Lord thy God with all thy heart, soul, mind,and strength and to love thy neighbor as thyself isthe prime directive. I’m an old Star Trek fan andthe prime directive for Star Trek was not to inter-fere with the development of younger, less maturespecies or planets. The prime directive for a person

living in first miracle consciousness is to take self-awareness, the thinking observing self, and turn ittoward what it can’t conceive of. There is no how to.There are methods for positioning attention. Med-itation is deep contemplation of the essence ofmind. Prayer in its deepest sense creates a relation-ship to mystery. We use the word God to expressthat mystery if we’re a Westerner. Spiritual impulseis not so much a parental figure or savior but some-thing that causes ordinary ego consciousness toshort circuit the constant process of objectification.

Prayer, and meditation, is the method if there isa method. Great teachers have always said there isno method. You reach a point where you use yourawareness to contemplate something inconceivable.People reading our words can stop for a moment tolook for who is it that is reading now and turn theirattention toward that. That place has no name ordimension. It is a space, a place of being. The veryact of giving attention to it changes our energy andour vibration.

Practicing the First Commandment developsradical intuition, the part of ourselves that foreverlistens to the unseen and the unseeable. Pleasediscuss radical intuition.

Radical intuition is a kind of attention that isn’tdirected toward a concept but is a global attention,an uninterrupted receptivity. I use the term listen-ing, but I don’t mean with our ear. A deer feedingin the forest has an alertness. It is alert because it isworried about a predator. We can be alert withoutanxiety. Radical intuition is an exquisite kind of at-tentiveness to the immediacy of now–with no fearor goal, no desire to get anywhere, and no outcome.

In your book you say, “All spiritual orconsciousness work is attention. Attention is themost precious commodity and it can be cultivated.”Please expand on these ideas.

If you look at a house needing to be remodeledand see only problems, you try to figure out if youhave enough money to make the changes. If youlisten to something deeper, over time you do whatis needed in the environment to reflect your essen-tial sense of aesthetic.


If the root of your attention is resting in a deepsense of emptiness, which really is fullness (the lifecurrent I was talking about), your attention changesthe quality of everything you perceive. If your at-tention is absorbed by all that life presents, you endup living in the distractions of television, radio, andmagazines. Research has shown that if men lookthrough pictures of young sexy models, they ex-press less love of their wives. If your attention isconstantly seduced by popular media, you lose con-nection to something genuine and real and you areweakened. Your energy is literally sapped away andyour ability to be relational, intimate, and loving isdiminished.

This attention or listening has to be rooted inthe body. You can look at your body as an objectand train, do yoga, run distances, and dance, but itis still an object. You still look as an ego from out-side at yourself and think you are a runner or adancer and should train your body. That’s a state ofpoverty, the state of bankruptcy of attention, be-cause you listen to an idea and try to turn yourselfinto the idea. I’m not saying don’t do yoga, run, orswim. I love many things that are physical. I’msaying do them in a context in which you listen tothe organism, as opposed to using the organism,and move from consciousness of the body to con-sciousness as the body. When we root attentiondeep inside this listening place of the body organ-ism, we awaken to energy, not as a concept, but as afelt experience. The whole experience of the bodybecomes like an atomic reactor with feeling,moving, vibrating parts.

Deep listening becomes the basis of the rooted-ness for radical intuition. Breathing becomes cru-cial. I don’t mean hyperventilation to blow yourselfinto an altered state of consciousness, which can behelpful a few times to soften the armoring of yourbody and the way you live in it. I’m talking aboutbreathing in the ordinary sense. There is a listeningin the body that is the fruit of all body disciplines.In martial arts you do not train the body to kick orpunch, you train the body to listen, respond, andmove with the energy of the other. T’ai Chi is lis-tening with the body to the movements of the body

and to the space within and around the body. Actu-ally, it is meaningless to talk of it as a body. Bodybecomes organism, a living expression of creationwhich extends beyond the skin. I don’t know whereit stops.

You say that the key to self healing is a changein our relationship to our own bodies. Discuss thatplease.

There is a certain amount of power that comesfrom seeing ourselves as objects. You go to thedoctor and the doctor says you have diabetes,cancer, or some other disease. That’s true at onelevel, but not at the level in which we live. Theactual experience we have is quite different. Ourexperience is of a space. When we close our eyesand listen to that space we don’t know where itbegins or ends. Unless there is the tension of pain,we are usually not aware of the space. We can enterinto relationship with the space and it begins tocome alive. We free energy up. A doctor can diag-nose a tumor. You can swallow pills to take awaythe tumor or go deeply into your experience ofbeing.

The chapter “Infinity and Healing” talks about awoman who was terminally ill with pancreaticcancer. Listening to her intuition she decided to bealone, and listening to that intuition she stayedalone for over seven months. Within one month allof her pain was gone. Within six months she real-ized she had completely regenerated and washealed. When she thought about going through thetests again with her doctor she felt anxiety, sostayed another month alone with this listening inherself until she realized that no matter what any-body else’s reality was, her experience of being wasnow deeply rooted and wouldn’t be threatened.This occurred nearly ten years ago and she is stillquite healthy. She had pancreatic cancer and shouldhave been dead within weeks but she changed theenergy by changing the relationship to herself.

There are as many ways to do this as there arecreative impulses in people. Norman Cousinshealed himself of a terminal disease by taking intra-venous vitamin C and laughing at old Marx Broth-


ers’ movies. It is the spontaneouscreativity from within ourselvesthat we listen to and follow withreal authority which gives us thepower to heal from within. It isnot necessarily laughter thatheals. It might be tears. It mightbe seclusion for one person andvolunteering at the hospital foranother. You can’t have anyprior assumption about the roadto healing for yourself. Gooddiet helps, but lately we are get-ting into nutritional orthodoxy.There are definitely ways ofeating that are better for us, andthere is an even deeper listeningwhere you can’t be sure what therules are.

If you truly listen, perhaps formonths you won’t touch meatand one day you have it, know-ing it is right for you. If youreally listen, if you generally donot drink alcohol, perhaps oneevening it may be important tohave a glass of wine. In self heal-ing, it is crucial to listen andflow and trust what you sense.That takes courage. It is muchsafer to take the statistical routeor the popular route that thedoctors offer us or all the self-help manuals propose. I’m notadvising you to disregard this in-formation, but am saying thatthe power which comes from studying the body asan object is only half the power you can access. Theother power, which is just as great and in manycases greater, comes from entering into deep rela-tionship to one’s own being. You become the disci-ple of yourself which actually leads you into deeperintimacy with everyone.

You say that at the heart of second miracle life isthe capacity to feel and this requires a fundamental

shift in our relationship tosuffering. As our capacity tosuffer increases, our capacity forconsciousness and relationshipincreases. Would you say moreabout this?

This is crucial. Life asks howmuch reality can we bear. It asksmoment by moment. Pain isdisorganized energy. Hate isdisorganized love. When wecome upon an energy that wedon’t know how to integrate ororganize, it threatens our struc-ture and we suffer–at a physicallevel through sensations wedon’t know how to get awayfrom or at a psychological levelthrough thoughts and feelingsthat are deeply disturbing. En-lightenment doesn’t free usfrom having pain, it creates adifferent relationship to pain.We are not afraid to be afraid,not in the absolute sense that weare never again afraid, but weare no longer the victims of fear.We are larger than whatever weexperience.

This larger experience ofconsciousness of being is in re-lationship to suffering. Deep inthe organism of someone sexu-ally abused as a child is amemory of an uncomfortableand disturbing place. As an

adult, when you begin to regress or open, as yougrow in consciousness, you discover you can’t lovevery much because as soon as love takes you towardreal intimacy, you are blocked by those memoriesliving in your organism. The real trauma is the ego,the first miracle separation. You have to go back tothe feelings.

There is a big blame game going on. We blamethe past for how we feel. It is healthy to realize that

Enlightenmentdoesn’t free usfrom havingpain, it createsa differentrelationship topain. We arenot afraid to beafraid, not inthe absolutesense that weare never againafraid, but weare no longerthe victims offear. We arelarger thanwhatever weexperience.


if the past did not create good circumstances for usto mature in, we should treat the present better sothe future will hold better circumstances for us andthose we care about. It doesn’t heal a person toblame the past. What we have in the present is feel-ing, and the feeling is difficult and uncomfortable.If we engage that feeling without rejection, withouttrying to change it, psychologically explain or labelit, we can come to true acceptance.

When someone moves into a new house, every-thing that is strange becomes familiar after awhile.When it is strange, there are all kinds of reactionsto it, positive or negative. When a feeling is finallyaccepted it doesn’t capture our attention any moreand is not repressed. We become present with thefeeling, no longer reacting, trying to change, or getaway from it; and all the energy inside the feelingbecomes life force. We literally become more lumi-nous when we have healed that suffering. There isno end to it.

Saints reclaim in their psyches’ archetypalwounds, not just of their personal lives, but of theirwhole culture. An enlightened person, in a certainsense, takes on the craziness of first miracle con-sciousness and bears it. That is the cross that Jesuscarried. The cross any awakening person carries inmodern time is the pain of seeing the potentialhuman consciousness has for incredible beauty andworship of life, and at the same time the capacityfor terrible destructiveness to the world. We can’tforce anyone to wake up. We each carry that un-consciousness as suffering in ourselves. We submit,stop resisting life, and become a servant of thatenergy as it takes hold inside and incarnates withinus. And this makes it easier for others to take thisstep, to become less afraid.

Please discuss the inner teacher.

We are talking about relationships to ourselvesand each other. Relationships between students andteachers and between communities and people canbe psychologically empowering. The inner teacheris that part awakening in us as we recognize moremystery in the world around us. I don’t want to be aguru and set up great distance between myself andothers because I recognize that I am a student, a

disciple of life. When I study with someone orsomeone studies with me, we are in service to awak-ening inner intelligence in each of us. It is not as ifthe intelligence is intact and we uncover it; the in-telligence is revealed by how we live. That is what Imean by the inner teacher. I wrote my book and domy work to speak to the inner teacher in people, tospeak to that part of the listener or reader who is onthe same journey as I, which is to discover what lifewants of us and to become a servant to the possibil-ity of what can awaken through us. There is a newrelationship emerging that ties many to the many asopposed to one to the many. It is not that I am anenlightened person and teach you; it is that I un-derstand that the quality of our relationship canmake us more or less enlightened by inviting rela-tionship that reveals our own intelligence and theintelligence of life. The inner teacher isn’t a thing,just as the inner child isn’t a thing. The innerteacher is a place of recognition that I am a discipleof life. That is why I am alive. I am a disciple of thismiracle of living.

Is there anything you want to add?

It is crucial that we not be cynical about our pos-sibility to change. We shouldn’t for a minute com-promise our sense of what is possible in our soulsand our growth. Whenever we start to be seducedby fear, we need to step back and realize that it isn’ta question of my life or personal transformation asan end in itself. Personal transformation is part ofevolution and the greatest gift we can give eachother is the quality of our attention. The future de-pends upon the capacities in each of us, one by one,to open our hearts to mystery. My prayer is thatwhen people read this, they will sense that they arealready on their journey, and the place where it ishappening is where they are listening inside them-selves. The movement is from the inside out andthe outside in at the same time. My prayer is alsothat our grandchildren’s grandchildren will be lessafraid to love. •

For information on seminars, talks, audio cassettes and othermaterials in the U.S. contact: Richard Moss Seminars(800)647-0755.

This is the dawning of a new humanity.In order for us to survive into the nextmillennium we must respond to theevolutionary cry to join together in pre-serving mother earth and creating soci-eties based on love, respect, and equal-

ity. This evolutionary movement requires that werealize our oneness with all life forms and bind our cre-ative genius to our divinity. Now is the time, for thereis a quickening, a pulse, a readiness emerging for hu-manity to evolve from homo sapiens to universalhumans. By definition, universal humans are aware ofthemselves and others as spiritual beings. They aligntheir personalities with their souls and feel a powerfulallegiance to life. They are not bound by nation, cul-ture, religion, or political structure. Universal humansare joyful citizens of a living, wise, and compassionateuniverse, and they bring that perspective into activity.

This quickening has lead to the creation of the So-ciety for the Universal Human. The Society wasbirthed in February, 1996 when two hundred and fortypeople convened for a ten day experiential conference.The faculty, pictured above, eight of the world’s mostcommitted leaders in science, psychology, and spiritu-ality, developed the multi-disciplinary curriculum inJanuary, 1995, when they gathered for a retreat to dis-cuss Mary Manin Morrissey’s (spiritual leader of theLiving Enrichment Center, Wilsonville, Oregon)vision of developing an accelerated learning school toempower people to be completely alive in all dimen-

sions of life and literally to evolve into universalhumans.

At the recent conference the participants–all yearn-ing, evolving seekers–submersed themselves in the pro-gram, which consisted of lectures, small group experi-ences, dance and sacred theater, meditation andcelebration. Participants were inspired to find theircentral life purpose and challenged to delve into thedeepest parts of themselves to become more creative,more loving, and more fully involved in a planetary so-ciety. Optimal human potential for all was the underly-ing goal.

The curriculum synthesized some of the greatestteachings in science, medicine, psychology, recovery,philosophy, relationship, and futurism. Participantsprepared to apply their learning in their professions(including education, business, medicine, science, thecreative and healing arts, government and religion) bymeeting in thematic groups to discuss application oftheir emerging wisdom and talents within their respec-tive fields. The event stretched people beyond theirpersonal limits and challenged them to become uni-versal humans.

If this strikes a resonant chord in your soul, you toocan participate. The Society will be continuing in manyforms and will reconvene in October, 1996. For infor-mation, contact the Society for the Universal Human,29500 SW Grahams Ferry Road, Wilsonville, OR97070-9516. Phone 1-800-893-1000•


Society for the Universal HumanM A R Y N U R R I E S T E A R N S

CORE FACULTY FROM THE LEFT, JOAN BORYSENKO, LEO BOOTH, JEAN HOUSTON, MARY MANIN MORRISSEY, BARBARA MAX HUBBARD, KATHLYN & GAY HENDRICKS, AND GARY ZUKAV.

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M A R C H

9-16 STAR, STONE AND BONE

This time together among thestone temples of the Dawn Star onthe exquisite Quintanaroo coast ofMexico is a journey to the beautyand wisdom within as well asaround ourselves. Angeles Arrienand Brooke Medicine Eagle joy-fully assist you in recovering yourcenter as you visit centers of lightin the Yucatan, bathe in theturquoise water and share deeplywith one another. For more infor-mation contact The FeatheredPipe Foundation at (406)442-8196.

9-16 NATURAL HEALTH,NATURAL HEALING WITH

ANDREW WEIL

Held at the beautiful RidingRock Inn on San Salvador Island inthe Bahamas. The best, most prac-

tical alternatives to high-tech, dis-ease-oriented medicine: nutrition,exercise, stress-reduction, herbs, vi-tamins, breathing, and the processof connecting with nature, commu-nity, and the higher self. ContactThe Feathered Pipe Foundation at(406)442-8196.

15-16 EXPLORING THE SIX

REALMS OF BUDDHISM THROUGH

IMPROVISATION. This workshop uses improvisa-

tional theater, music, and poetry toexplore the six realms of existenceaccording to traditional Buddhistteachings. The workshop is opento all regardless of spiritual pathand will lead to an experiential un-derstanding of how we may gainfreedom from fixed, habitual pat-terns. To register or for more in-formation call the Oasis Center,Chicago, IL. (312)274-6777.

15-17 MEDITATION RETREAT

Learn to live a natural, God-centered life with emphasis onpractices and routines that facilitateawakened spiritual consciousness.Mediation is taught and practiceddaily. For more information con-tact The Center for SpiritualAwareness, Ashland, OR.(706)782-4723.

16-17 AWAKEN TO HERBS

WEEKEND WORKSHOP

This introductory course ex-plores the natural plants you mayuse to establish your own kitchenpharmacies. Instructor: Rev. SusanHamilton. For registration or moreinformation contact Sancta SophiaSeminary, Sparrow Hawk Village,11 Summit Ridge Drive, Tahle-quah, OK, 74464 or call (800)386-7161 or (918)456-3421.

22-24 KINDRED SPIRITS ON THE

EDGE

Explore what it means to befully human–body, mind, and soulat the 26th Midwest Conference ofthe Association for HumanisticPsychology. The conference offersa celebratory, nurturing, and intel-lectually stimulating environmentin which participants may experi-ence personal and professionalgrowth, explore new ideas andforge connections with kindredspirits. For more information con-tact Jude foster at The Associationof Humanistic Psychology (AHP),Indianapolis, IN (317)297-5733.

29-30 SHAMAN EARTH WALK

Chamalu is on a six monthEarth Walk, a pilgrimage around

Calendar of Up-ComingWorkshops, Seminars, and Events

THE SOCIETY FOR UNIVERSAL HUMAN WAS HELD AT THE LIVING ENRICHMENT CENTER, ASPIRITUAL CENTER WITH A 97,000-SQUARE-FOOT FACILITY ON 95 ACRES JUST SOUTH OF

PORTLAND OREGON.


the world teaching, performinghealing ceremonies and visitingsacred places. He will guide a fullday workshop of meditation, livingin the moment, healing the Earth,and joyfulness on Friday. In theevening he will lead a ritual re-membering that all is one and weall come with a mission. Saturday,all may meditate and interact withhim personally. For more informa-tion please call (503)854-5032.

29-31 WOMEN, ADDICTIONS, AND

SPIRITUALITY

Explore the Healing Process.Christina Grof, Charlotte DavisKasl, Pia Mellody, Jacquelyn Smalland others participate in this gath-ering for women in the heart ofColonial Williamsburg. ProjectTaproot, College of William andMary, PO Box 8795, Williams-burg, VA, 23187 (804)221-4813.

31-APRIL 6 IYENGAR YOGA

INTENSIVE

This workshop features MaryDunn and Dean Lerner who areknown for their devoted study ofthe art and science of yoga and fortheir deep connection with theirstudents. They are experts in train-ing teachers as well as jump-start-ing beginners. By dividing thegroup into two sections based onexperience they’ll make sure youwork at your best level. For moreinformation contact The FeatheredPipe Foundation. (406)442-8196.

A P R I L

5-7 SACRED FOOLS DANCE

RETREAT

Rebirth inside yourself theSacred Fool, The Creative Childwho knows the innocent joy ofdancing, song, and laughter, at theplayful retreat celebrating bothApril Fool’s Day and Spring

Equinox (Eoster). For informationand registration call (541)344-2282.

6-13 POWER YOGA

Power yoga is a flowing, dy-namic system that developsstrength, endurance, flexibility, andmindfulness through a carefully se-quenced series of postures joined inan uninterrupted flow. Come toTulum to study intensively withtwo of the world’s few qualifiedAshtanga yoga teachers. ContactThe Feathered Pipe Foundationfor more information. (406)442-8196.

11-14 1996 INTERNATIONAL

CONFERENCE ON ATTITUDINAL

HEALING

A spiritual exhilarating andhighly enjoyable experience in thecontext of unconditional lovewithin an international communityfocused on transformation andhealing the separations whichimpact our lives at every level–indi-vidual, family, community andglobal. For more information callThe Network for Attitudinal Heal-ing International in Austin, Texas(512)327-4568.

12-14 ANCIENT ECHO OF TRIBAL

BELLY DANCE

Honor yourself and dance withus at our third annual women’s cel-ebration. Women’s steps trace an-cient rituals of birth, life, and deaththrough many cultures. Integratespiritual, emotional, and physicalaspects of the oldest tribal dance,the belly dance, through move-ments, mythology, and meditation.Breitenbush. Held in Portland,OR. For more information or reg-istration call (503)235-6035.

13-14 TRIOM (BIO-MAGNETIC

HEALING)Learn this simple method of

DANCING BEAR

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using a light touch applied to spe-cific points on the body to begin ahealing process. Instructors: Revs.Katie Ann and Jim Hillelson. CallSancta Sophia Seminary, Tahle-quah, OK (800)386-7161 or(918)458-5501.

14-18 HEALING INTO

WHOLENESS

Deep inner work done in a safeand sacred setting amidst a caringcommunity is the focus of Eupsy-chia’s 14-day healing retreat. Ourprogram of Psycho-Spiritual Inte-gration views our dysfunctionalpatterns as the natural symptoms ofbirthing a new consciousness. Heldin Dahlonega, GA by Eupsychia.For more information call(512)327-2795.

14-19 CONSCIOUS RELATIONSHIP

TRANSFORMATION TRAINING,PHASE I

Relationship Transformation isa comprehensive method of rela-tionship therapy that is open toprofessionals, couples and those in-terested in a radically different ap-proach to close relationships. Na-maste retreat Center, Portland,OR. Call Alex Merris for more in-formation and logistics at(503)228-7784.

18-28 UTAH CANYONLANDS:QUESTING FOR A VISION

The Vision Quest is a multi-daywilderness rite of passage, empow-ering and celebrating your transi-tion from one phase or stage ofhuman life to the next. It is a “rite”in that its format and content areceremonial–an integrated round ofgroup and individual ceremoniesthat enables you to renew yourplace in the world, transformingyour relationship to self, others,Earth, and Spirit. Contact theOmega Institute, Rhinebeck, NY

Calendar

Center For Spiritual Awareness

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for more information. (800)944-1001.

19-21 INTENSIVE JOURNAL

WORKSHOP

Intensive Journal Workshop forJournal Writing–Spend a weekendat a beautiful Retreat Center in theSan Francisco area. Gain insights,access your inner process, and workwith your dreams and symbolicimages. Other workshops held an-nually nationwide. Contact Dia-logue House Associates for moreinformation at (800)221-5844.

20-21 SHAMANISM AND

SYMPTOMS: LIVING THE

SPIRIT OF THE BODY

With Dawn Menken, Ph.D.Body symptoms and unusual phys-ical experiences are calls into theunknown, the world of dreamingand shamanism. During this week-end we hope to travel beyond ourusual methods of coping withsymptoms and explore the mysteri-ous world of the symptom itself.This seminar is intended foranyone interested in working withsymptoms and illnesses and learn-ing more about themselves, in ad-dition to those interested in learn-ing more about process work.Contact the Oasis Center for moreinformation. (312)274-6777.

26-28 RITUAL HEALING AND

COMMUNITY

In the absence of ritual, societysuffers from fragmentation and in-dividuals experience insurmount-able relationship barriers withthemselves and with each other.The goal of the weekend is to pro-vide participants with a traditionaland tribal (African) way of relatingto each other through spirit. Formore information call the OasisCenter, Chicago, IL (312)274-6777.

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26-28 TRANSFORMING THROUGH

SOCIAL ARTISTRY

A seminar with Dr. Jean Hous-ton. Living mythically is a pro-found demonstration of the “possi-ble” in all its infinite varieties. Mytharises from the depths of our col-lective unconscious mind and con-tains the wisdom of humanitycoded in dynamic images whosepower can awaken us to new levelsof self-knowledge. By connectingwith our own great story, we un-leash the incredibly powerful trans-formative energies which can imbueour everyday life with a deepenedsense of purpose, skill, grace, in-creased wisdom, lively energy, andso much more. Open U Inc. 706North 1st Street, Minneapolis, MN55401 (800)779-3635 or (612)349-9273.

29-MAY 4 BODY-CENTERED

TRANSFORMATION TRAINING,PHASE I

Includes radiance Breathwork,Movement Therapy, The Person-ality Theory, Conscious VisioningGoals Work, The Five Flags, Read-ing the Subtle Language of theBody, Integrating Verbal and Body-Centered Techniques, The NineStrategies of Body-Centered Trans-formation, and How to Teach theConscious Breathing Program.Bear Mountain State Park, BearMountain, NY. Call Rod or SandyWells for logistics (914)534-7668.

M A Y

2-5 WORDS FOR LIFE

The 16th Annual Conference ofthe National Association for PoetryTherapy. If you have been touchedby the power of poetry, literature,or journals in your personal, artistic,or professional lives, come to thisstimulating conference in Colum-bia, MD. Keynote speakers Lucille

Sancta Sophia1/12 pg

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Dreamwalker1/12 pg

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Find yourHeartpeaceMagnificent North Carolinacountry setting. Five acres

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Call or write for details toplan your next meeting,

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Phone 800-681-2621

GLADEMOUNTAINRETREAT CENTER631 Willow Creek Rd.Leicester, NC 28748

Calendar

Clifton and Dr. Jack Coulehan.Contact Arzi McKeown (301)498-8748.

3-5 MEDITATION RETREAT

WEEKEND

Held in a beautiful, secludedmountain setting in Lakemont,Georgia. Mediation is taught andpracticed daily. The theme is livinga natural and God-centered life

with emphasis on practices androutines to facilitate awakened spir-itual consciousness. Contact TheCenter for Spiritual Awareness at(706)782-4723.

10-12 WOMEN’S RENEWAL

WEEKEND

Rest and renew with yoga, med-itation, and laughter. Enjoy aweekend of self-renewal in com-munion with other women. Sampletechniques that promote relaxation,personal, spiritual awareness andstress reduction. Limited to 20women, this weekend is for newand experienced yoga and medita-tion students. Breitenbush. Call(541)461-8044 for information andregistration.

17-19 “A GATHERING” OF THE

PEOPLE OF THE FOUR

DIRECTIONS

Now in its eighth year this ex-traordinary event draws togetherteachers and elders of various cul-tures to share visions, prophesies,and understanding of the mysteryof life. Wander 315 acres of naturalbeauty. Explore, via workshops andexperiential programs, the NativeAmerican, African, Chinese, andancient Inca traditions. A Gather-ing, Mainesville, OH. For more in-formation call 513-466-2393.

17-19 THE POSSIBLE HUMAN

A seminar by Dr. Jean Houston.Living mythically is a profounddemonstration of the “possible” inall its infinite varieties. Myth arisesfrom the depths of our collectiveunconscious mind and contains thewisdom of humanity coded in dy-namic images whose power canawaken us to new levels of self-knowledge. By connecting with ourown great story, we unleash the in-credibly powerful transformativeenergies which can imbue oureveryday life with a deepened sense

of purpose, skill, grace, increasedwisdom, lively energy, and so muchmore. Unity Church of OverlandPark, PO Box 12207, OverlandPark, KS 66282 Nancy Jerome(913)649-1750.

31-JUNE 2 WORKSHOP FOR

INTENSIVE JOURNAL WRITING

The Workshop for IntensiveJournal writing is held at one of theleading Personal Growth Centersin the New York area. A nation-ally-recognized, practical, and ef-fective method to develop themany facets of life. Contact Dia-logue House Associates for moreinformation on this and otherworkshops held annually across thecountry. (800)221-5844.

J U L Y

2-7 JOURNAL THERAPY RETREAT

Replenish yourself in a pristinepine forest in Black Forest, Col-orado while writing your life sto-ries using the journal methods ofKathleen Adams and Ira Progoff.Yoga, Reiki, Rocky Mountainhiking, delicious veggie meals, con-templative retreat community.With Kathleen Adams and ClaireBrooke Willis. Presented by TheCenter for Journal Therapy,(303)421-2298.

18-21 SPIRIT IN HEALING

CONFERENCE

Held at the beautiful BocaRaton Resort and Club, BocaRaton, Florida. Come nurture yourmind and body in an exquisite,award winning beach setting withhot speakers, cool company, andplenty of opportunities to rest andrelax. For further information callSpirit in Healing Conference, TheConference Works (317)329-8445.•


SNOW LIONpickup from

page 86 Autumn

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from my past was distorting myperception. I was afraid that myneeds would not be met, that Iwould be shunted aside. As long asI tried to stuff away my fear, I re-mained in a state of tension, be-cause I was actually shunting asidemy own experience. But as soon asI gave up struggling with the fearand could see it for what it was, Istarted to relax, and regained myseat.

Making friends with ourselvesinvolves all these elements–inquir-ing, acknowledging, allowing, un-derstanding, opening, and then, asa result, finding our seat and be-coming more fully present, at onewith ourselves. This kind of uncon-ditional friendliness, born of theunion of awareness and loving-kindness, is what we most wantedfrom our parents; it is what we seekfrom teachers, therapists, friends,and lovers; and ultimately it is whatwe need from ourselves. When westart to relate to our experience inthis way, we usually find that ourpartner feels more responsive andconnected with us as well.

BEYOND THE ENEMY

Overcoming the need for anenemy provides access to a deepersource of energy and power in ourlives. The Tibetans have a word forthis larger energy–drala–which lit-erally means “beyond the enemy.”Chögyam Trungpa describes dralaas “the magical quality of exis-tence” that arises out of “connect-ing the wisdom of your own beingwith the power of things as theyare.” We can perceive the powerinherent in things as they are–theradiance of fire, the solidity ofearth, the expansiveness of joy, thetenderness of sorrow–only whenwe drop the struggle with ourselvesand our experience.

Whenever I focus on what mypartner is “doing to me,” I losetouch with love’s drala, love’smagic. My energy goes into draw-ing battle lines and defendingmyself against the bad Other. Butwhen I take responsibility for myexperience, I become more presentbecause I am connecting withmyself–which can only bring uscloser. This provides a generalguideline for relationships. Whenwe focus on another as the cause ofour difficulties, or the solution tothem, we contract and tense up butwhen we acknowledge the cause orsolution inside ourselves, and relateto that, we start to open, expand,and settle down.

Intimate relationships and ourworld as a whole have so littlepeace because we continually exter-nalize the battle between self andOther. Just as the mentality thatbuilds missile systems and spendsbillions on armaments has impov-erished our world, so it impover-ishes our soul when most of ourenergy in a relationship goes intodefense.

Conscious relationship is a pathof peacemaking and inner reconcil-iation. To live at peace with an-other human being, we need tostop rejecting our experience andmake peace with whatever we havemade “Other” inside ourselves.•

From “Love and Awakening” by JohnWelwood. Copyright 1996 by JohnWelwood. Printed by arrangement withHarper Collins Publishers Inc.

RelationshipContinued from page 39


like to be ruled by colonial police?What would it feel like to be an-other race or religion?8. Be inquisitive. Is the world shakenwhen you put a hole through astone? Or is a new passage openedbetween two universes?

9. Be honest. I admit that I frankly hatemy enemies. I admit it!10. Be intelligent. Save me from theo-ries! I know better.11. Be joyful. Kids, let’s sing! Who’llplay the piano?12. Demand originality from yourself. Ican use more than a quarter of mybrain without my brain exploding. Ican find exactly the music for ourtime, exactly the imagery, exactly thestory!13. Be spontaneous. Here I am, takingoff my clothes again!14. Rebel. This is a bad war and I muststop it!15. Cultivate a strong self-image. I amthe greatest. I am terribly individual-istic. I am very excellent. I can writebooks. I can sing songs. I am thegreatest.16. Take risks. I’ll walk into a museumgift shop with my art pottery and getit consigned on the spot. I will!17. Be instinctive. This is a bad silence.I’d better get out of here right now.18. Be passionate. Stop it! Don’t hurtthat child.19. Be stubborn. I’ll paint or die!20. Be free. I am my own person. Be-lieve it!

Memorize this list and then burnit. Never refer to it again. It must beinside you, not locked away on somepage. What good is it here? Hold itlike you would secret military instruc-tions. Repeat them to yourself in themiddle of the night. I am stubborn. Iam passionate. I am smart. I amhonest. Call these qualities by what-ever names you like. They will makeyou wild.•

From “Fearless Creating” by Eric Maisel.Copyright 1995 by Eric Maisel. Printed byarrangement with Jeremy P Tarcher Inc., amember of the Putnam Berkley PublishingGroup Inc.

CreateContinued from page 69

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picture in my mind waves of sooth-ing, healing beams of light enter-ing my body through the top of myhead and flowing gently throughevery organ and bone of my body,soothing each with a subdued light.In addition, I visualize what I callthe “Cosmic Pac Men” who, like inthe game, cruise through mybloodstream and the surface of mybladder gobbling up the free radi-cals and any “bad” cells while at thesame time enclosing the good cellswith a wall of protection.

I also thank the Cosmic severaltimes a day, both for Barb’s contin-uing love and for the fact thatthroughout all the operations andthe times in between, I have neversuffered any severe pain. In fact, myarthritis gives me more pain thancancer ever did.

The Rosicrucianshave a saying, which Ihave hanging in thebedroom: “Cosmic LawFulfills.”

And I know, in mySoul, that the Cosmic isfulfilling my petition. Iguess that is why peoplestare at me wheneverthe subject of cancercomes up and I seriouslyrefer to it a “just anotherminor inconvenience.”

I firmly believe, withall my heart, that Iwould have gonethrough Transition in1992 except for theanswer of the Cosmic tomy petition and the veryreal, unself ish loveshared between Barband myself.•


1” MICA’sLeave this border for ad

ATTITUDINAL1/4 page

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Love TransformationContinued from page 28

Give the Gift thatlast a life time give

PERSONAL

TRANSFORMATION


“Well, in my stomach and in mymuscles; they feel kind of weak”

“So you feel afraid.”“Yes.”“Now that we’ve cleared that

up, let’s see you do it.”At first, she looked confused.

“But, Coach, I told you, I can’t–I’mafraid!”

“Whatever gave you the ideathat fear was some kind of reasonnot to do something?”

“Well, I…”“The only time you have a

chance to show courage is whenyou’re afraid, Jill.” Then I added,“It’s fine to feel afraid; it can be ahealthy sign that you’re not readyfor something. But in this case, youare. Fear is a wonderful servant buta terrible master. Feel it as muchas you want, Jill; experience it com-pletely. Then do the dismount.”

Jill hesitated for a moment.Then with a look of determinationmixed with just a bit of terror, sheswung around the bar, let go, anddid a beautiful dismount. She hadunderstood and applied the Law ofAction.

Every day we all get opportuni-ties to face fear or inertia and actanyway–not by leaping off rooftopsinto sand piles or doing gymnasticstunts but in even more importantways, such as taking the risk to ex-press how we feel, to conquer oldhabits, or in other ways to experi-ence the power and magic of theLaw of Action.•

Dan Millman has served on the facultiesat Oberlin, U.C. Berkeley, and StanfordUniversity. For the past decade, Dan hastrained people from all walks of life in thefield of spiritual growth. Currently, hewrites, lectures, and enjoys life with hisfamily in northern California. From thebook “The Life You Were Born to Live,”copyright 1993 by Dan Millman. Printedby permission of HJ Kramer, POB 1082,Tiburon, CA. All rights reserved.

Stars Edge

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FaithContinued from page 21


enormous dove that glided afterthe angel in graceful procession.

I woke up. It was 4:00 a.m.Mom was breathing but her eyeswere half-closed. I held her hand.For the next hour or two, Iwatched her breathing get slowerand slower until it stopped. We sattogether, just the two of us, hold-ing hands.

Perhaps it was 6:30 when anurse came in. She got anothernurse and a doctor who felt Mom’spulse. The doctor, worried and sad,looked at me. “She’s gone,” he said.

“I know,” I answered. I put myhead on my mother’s hand andcried and cried.

A minister came into the roomand stood quietly beside me, em-barrassed, not wanting to intrude.He asked if I wanted to talk. I said Iwanted to be alone with mymother. He left and I stayed withMom, looking at her face, heropened eyes, holding her hand. Iput my forehead on Mom’s hand asI held it. I wanted to remembereverything we’d said the nightbefore, the core of love, the silverylight.

The minister returned. “Wouldyou like me to say some prayers?”he asked.

“Yes,” I said. He said prayersand I listened. When he finished, Ithanked him. It was time to go, Iknew. I put my hand on Mom’sshoulder and pressed it. I saidgood-bye to the minister. Then Igathered our things together,Mom’s and mine, walked down thehall, out the door, and through thesnowy streets to the bus backhome.

EPILOGUE

I’d often wondered at the factthat Mom and I had not had ourlast drink together. Then in the

summer after her death, I had adream. I’d been out with a friend.It was very late on a warm, summernight. I said to my friend, “I knowit’s late and it’s out of the way, butlet’s stop by the Buddha Bar for alast drink.”

As we approached the BuddhaBar, we saw Jackie’s Buddha statuepeeking through the window.Then we entered to f ind mymother behind the bar, servingdrinks. “Mom,” I said. “You’rehere.”

“Yes,” she said, smiling. Shelooked happy and very peaceful. Isat on a bar stool and we chatted.“Like a drink?” Mom asked. “Let’shave a drink.” She poured one foreach of us.

“Mom,” I said, “Now that Iknow you’re here, I can visit youagain.”

“Yes,” Mom said, “Come afterwork.”

Then I woke up. It was Thurs-day.•

pain that seems unremitting andone that is of long standing. Thereis an element of resignation in themoan which is absent from the wailor the sob. These sounds are asso-ciated with pain, distress, hurt, andloss. They are sounds of sadnessand sorrow, not of joy. Joy has itsown range of vocal expression. Thelaugh, for example, is very muchlike a sob except that it has a posi-tive note, an upbeat ending. Thereare screams of delight, just as thereare screams of torment. Thus onecan sing the happiest tunes as wellas the saddest.

To live life as a full human beingrequires the ability to cry freely anddeeply. If one can cry freely anddeeply, there is neither confusion

emerging in this genre!—RachelSnyder, Boulder, Colorado.

M A N F O R A L LS E A S O N S

Thich Nhat Hanh, how Christ-ian you sound. We know he isBuddhist, yet he seems so universalin his theology. For instance, in theAutumn 1995 LOTUS, he quotesextensively from Jesus, remindingus to forgive and try to understand.

Then again in the Winter jour-nal, he speaks of anger and makesus once more aware that, “Whenwe are joyful, we are the joy. Whenwe are angry, we are the anger.”Truly he echoes the Christianprayer, “You are worthy at all timesto be praised by happy voices, OSon of God, O Giver of Life.”

Thanks for including ThichNhat Hanh in your great jour-nal.—C.J. Botsworth, Portland,Oregon.

E D I T O R ’ S N O T E

In our last issue on page 4 wecited a quote from Nelson Man-dela. The quote actually came fromMarianne Williamson’s book AReturn to Love.

Nelson Mandela apparentlyused the Williamson quote in hisinaugural speech.•

TransformationContinued from page 32 nor despair nor torment in it. Our

tears and our sobs wash us clean,renewing our spirit so that we mayrejoice again. William James writes,“The stone wall inside of him hasfallen, the hardness of his heart hasbroken down… Especially if weweep! For it then is as if our tearsbroke through an inveteratedam–leaving us washed and soft ofheart and open to every noblerleading.’’•

ReflectionsContinued from page 12

CryingContinued from page 34

DO NO HARM

Following directly on the heelsof saying that no one has theanswer, I’ll leap right on one of thefew soap boxes where I resolutelyand stubbornly stand, unwilling tobudge one tiny little iota. I believethat there is never an excuse con-sciously to say or do anything harm-ful to another living soul! Now,that doesn’t mean that others won’tsometimes be hurt by what we sayor do because they will interpretour statements through the lens oftheir own vulnerabilities. We can’tcontrol others’ responses. But aspersons old enough–and we hopewise enough–to have agreed to theresponsibilities and blessings ofmarriage, we can consciously do noharm.

The words we speak are indeli-ble, tattoos on the psyche andspirit. Permanent, forever, non-erasable. Oh, sure, we may forgiveand forget actual words, but theenergy lingers on. A popular quotefrom “The Little Prince” reads,“Where you tend a rose, my lad, athistle cannot grow.” Also true isthis statement, “Where a thistlepricks, my lad, a scar may alsogrow.” We do not want to scaranyone with whom we communi-cate, not even ourselves. In ordernot to tattoo ourselves and ourbeloved with verbal scars, ourvessel of communication needs tobe a constructive container.

Of course, we’re not going tocommunicate perfectly and lov-ingly all the time, but we can stopspeaking and acting in hurtful waysright now. It’s a matter of decidingto stop, committing to do so, andthen doing it.•

From “Heart Centered Marriage” by SuePatton Thoele. Copyright 1996 by SuePatton Thoele. Printed with permissionfrom Conari Press.


Builderspickup from

page 18 Winter

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INSTITUTE FOR1/2 pg

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THE COMPLETE HOME STUDY

PROGRAM ON DEVELOPING

YOUR PSYCHIC ABILITIES.Automatic Writing. Super Con-

sciousness. Personal Powers. Psy-chometry. Reincarnation. Laws ofKarma. The Astral Body. The Per-sonal Guide. The Master Teach-ers… and much more.

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CommunicationContinued from page 43

Walking mindfully onthe Earth, we are

nourished by the trees,the bushes, the

flowers, and thesunshine. Touching the

Earth is a very deeppractice that can

restore our peace andour joy. We are childrenof the Earth. We rely onthe Earth, and the Earth

relies on us. Whetherthe Earth is beautiful,

fresh, and green, orarid and parched,

depends on our way ofwalking. Please touch

the Earth inmindfulness, with joy

and concentration.From “Touching Peace,” copyright 1992, byThich Nhat Hanh. Printed with permission

from Parallax Press.

s pring features - personaltransformation.com · s pring 1996 features volume 5 • number 3 33...

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