Welcome back to The Order of the Llama, or, The Performer and Her Pianist! In Act I, we found out that Glen Cameron was the victim of identity theft, as a result of which he had to get married right away before notorious gangster Ernie the Spoon killed him. Glen turned to his friend Leila, but she had a plane to catch and offered to set him up with someone else. “Someone else” turned out to be her twin sister Lisa, but neither Lisa nor Glen knows this because they were married in disguise, for Lisa’s safety. Lisa’s cousin Jo learned of Glen’s predicament and (having a huge crush on him herself) offered to say he was her brother Cecil and get him into the Order, as a way to hide out. Not wanting to die, Glen agreed. Jo manipulated her suitor Phoenix into sponsoring Glen; no sooner was he admitted to the order than Ernie the Spoon showed up and asked for him. Upon hearing that Glen was missing, Lisa collapsed and was caught by Glen -- much to the distress of Lisa’s pianist Jay, who is in love with her himself.

I think that covers it. If you need a refresher, feel free to re-read Act I.

DORMIE #1: I can’t believe that Ernie the Spoon is still here!

DORMIE #2: Yeah, it’s scary having him here. They’re never going to find that guy.

DORMIE #1: Why do they let him stay on campus? He’s not even a student!

DORMIE #3: (scoffs) Would you want to be the one to tell him he has to leave?

DORMIE #1: Good point…

JAY: It’s ridiculous! Every time I see him, it’s “Hey, give us a joke, funny man!” Can’t he see I’m having a bad day?

PHOENIX: He don’t care. He’s not gonna leave til someone gives him an answer. He asks me all the time where Glen is. At least he likes you. Nobody ever thinks I’m funny. (sighs) Glen is probably on Twikki Island right now, having a margarita. And because he’s still in the picture, Jo won’t look at me.

JAY: Yeah, and Lisa won’t look at me.

(Both sigh)

JAY: Hey, I’ve got it! I know how we can get him out of the picture! All you have to do is tell Ernie the Spoon that Glen died.

PHOENIX (slowly): You want me to lie?

JAY: Through your teeth. I’ll back you up. Look, Glen is probably on Twikki Island, right? And he’s never coming back? So if we just say we saw him die, all our problems go away.

PHOENIX: I don’t know…

JAY: Plus, if you lie, I’ll teach you how to be funny.

PHOENIX: You got a deal! (they shake) Now, what are we going to say?

GLEN: (sighs) If I’d known I was going to be able to hide out so well, I wouldn’t have been so quick to get married. And now I’ve met Lisa, and I can’t say anything!

GLEN: (looking at the mail) Me. Jo. Mrs. Lisa Shankel Cameron. Sadie Bear.

GLEN: Mrs. Lisa Shankel Cameron! Shankel, just like Leila! And Cameron -- ! I bet Lisa is the woman I married! Oho! I couldn’t have done better if I tried!

Now, Anastasia hasn’t been wasting any time with satisfying her Romance Wants. Diamondback, the local dive bar, is always a good place to pick up a guy out for a fun time.

Unfortunately, Anastasia isn’t always careful about screening her playmates.

KENDRA PERRY, THE DORMIE: Hey! You were with Mangus Love last night, weren’t you?ANASTASIA: So what if I was?KENDRA: If you don’t stay away from my man, I’ll make you stay away -- permanently!ANASTASIA: Oh yeah? You and what army?

Really, there’s only one thing that can distract people from a good girl fight.

And that’s people who are suicidally stupid enough to draw Ernie the Spoon’s attention to themselves.

PHOENIX: Mr. the Spoon! Mr. the Spoon!

ERNIE THE SPOON: What?

PHOENIX: That guy you’re looking for -- Glen Cameron!

ERNIE THE SPOON: What about him?

PHOENIX: We saw him! At the shore! It was raining --

JAY: It was pouring.

PHOENIX: Raining, yeah --

JAY (with far more thoughtfulness than is strictly called for): No, I would definitely call that pouring.

PHOENIX: And I thought it was him, so I went and grabbed for him, but he jumped into a boat and took off.

JAY (enthusiastically): Fwoosh! Like that.

PHOENIX: I would have gone after him, but I can’t swim. And anyway, the boat hit a rock and sank like a -- uh, a stone.

JAY: A lump of lead.

PHOENIX (to Jay): A stone, I said.

JAY (happily): A heavy lump of lead.

PHOENIX: Well, anyway, like a stone or like lead, he went down. So he’s dead.

JAY: Drowned.

PHOENIX: Definitely dead. Yup.

ERNIE THE SPOON: Huh.

ERNIE THE SPOON: I’ll have to send out some divers, then. (leaves, presumably in search of some divers)

PHOENIX (to Jay): What’s the matter with you? Are you drunk or something?

JAY: I may be a little happy, yeah.

Anastasia remained unphased by either occurrence and promptly moved on. Is that admirable or not?

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned it before or not, but Jay has an unerring sense of timing. Right in the middle of a discussion of whether J. K. Rowling or Diana Wynne Jones is the better author,* he decided to change the subject.

*Diana Wynne Jones is better. No contest.

JAY: So, Lisa, now that your husband is dead, I think it’s time to talk about getting married.

LISA: I beg your pardon?

JAY: Getting married. (as Lisa stares blankly at him) Us. You and me. (as the blank stare continues) I’ve got all my own teeth…

GLEN: Oh, come on. Is that really how you pick up girls?

JAY (frostily): I am not “picking up” anybody.

GLEN: Obviously.

JAY (through his teeth): This is a private conversation.

GLEN (cheerily): Well, you shouldn’t have it in public, then. Do you want me to demonstrate?

JAY (sarcastically): Oh, please. Be my guest.

GLEN: If you want to make a pretty girl like you, you really should have started practicing when you were very young. The important thing is to find something new to say to every girl. They can tell when you have a standard line. (to Lisa) I’ve always thought that you radiated the poise and glamour of the golden days of Hollywood, but you look especially elegant this afternoon.

LISA: There’s touch, too. A casual, light touch, somewhere non-threatening on the upper body can be very powerful.

GLEN: Yes, so use with caution. (to Lisa) Oops, you’ve got an eyelash. May I?

(Lisa nods)

JO (butting in): Yes, and a soulful gaze can -- (attempts to demonstrate with Glen) can --

GLEN (ignoring her): But the capper is the way you phrase your proposal. Let me show you.

GLEN: Lisa, there is a man here who loves you deeply -- wildly -- passionately! Although his face may be hidden and his hair dyed --

JAY: I'm a natural blonde.

GLEN: -- his heart is clear and his love unaltered. And though he is a lousy pianist --

JAY: I play very well!

GLEN: -- he can think of no greater happiness than to accompany you for the rest of his life!

JAY: I'd've worked in "accompanist" somehow if I were you.

GLEN: Dearest Lisa, will you make that man the happiest man in the world?

LISA (near tears): Oh, Cecil! Of course I will! (throws herself in his arms)

JO: Oh, how romantic! (then, as she realizes the implications) Hey! Wait a minute!

JAY: Hey! You were supposed to be showing me what to do!

GLEN: I was. I did. And see? It works. (turning back to Lisa) Go find your own girl to practice on.

JO: Well, that sucks. Wanna go get a drink?

JAY: No. I have to go cry in the bathroom now.

PHOENIX: Why so glum, chum? (as Jo shoots him a look of death) What? My granddaddy used to say that.

JO: Well, it's a stupid saying. But what does it matter? The man I love went and got himself engaged to somebody else, and there's no point anymore.

PHOENIX: But I haven't gotten engaged to anybody! I'm a one-woman man, Jo, you know that.

JO: Not you, idiot! Cecil! (clamps her hand over her mouth) Oh, snap…

PHOENIX: Cecil... your brother? Who showed up oh-so-conveniently right when Glen disappeared and who always hides his face? (realizing) He's not your brother at all, is he? He's Glen, and you made me lie to Ernie the Spoon!JO: No! No, look, he can't be Glen, right? Because you saw Glen die. So if you saw him die, then there's nothing for me to be unhappy about. And anyway he's engaged to my cousin, so (deep breath) there's no reason we can't be married, right? And nobody else needs to know, right?PHOENIX (joyfully): You love me?!JO: Esme, no! I'm just going to marry you.PHOENIX: Same thing.JO (pointedly): Is it.

CECIL: Ey shrouda, Jo. Did you hear? Captain Hero just captured Ernie the Spoon, and he's going to be locked up for a long, long time. I guess that means your friend doesn't have to worry anymore, huh?

JO: (throws herself on Cecil and hugs him) Eeeeeee! That's wonderful news!

PHOENIX: Hey! Who do you think you're hugging?

JO: This is my brother, Cecil.

PHOENIX: Another brother! (resignedly) Okay, bring 'em all out at once. I may as well know the worst.

JO: You idiot! This is my real brother!

PHOENIX: Oh. Well. Glad to meet my brother-in-law-to-be, then.

CECIL (confused): Jo?

JO: Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll talk about that later. Right now, those mojitos are not sitting well at urp.

Other people are not as ambivalent about what they want.

PONG: Me? Really? You want to marry me?

REBECCA: Uh-huh.

PONG: Really? I mean, you’re so pretty and cool -- you could have anybody. You want me?

REBECCA: I sure do.

PONG: Then you’ve got me.

REBECCA: Forever?

PONG: You bet.

And speaking of engagements…

LISA: Leila! Hi! How was Veronaville?

LEILA: Lousy. What’s going on here?

LISA: It's my engagement party! I'm engaged to Cecil!

LEILA: Cousin Cecil?

LISA: No, the other Cecil -- Jo's cousin.

LEILA: I thought Uncle Albert was an only child. So you got divorced that fast? What about Ernie the Spoon?

LISA: Captain Hero captured him. But what do you mean, "divorced"? My husband's dead. He drowned. It was an accident.

LEILA: No he didn't. I just saw him outside.

LISA (going very pale): What?

LEILA: I just saw him outside. (turns) Oh, there he is. (waves) Hey, Glen! Come on over and meet your wife!

LISA: Oh, Mr. Cameron, I am so so sorry. You see, I love someone else. I want to marry him. I don't want to be married to you anymore. Could we... could we get a divorce?

GLEN: Mmmm... Nope. I think I'd rather stay married to you.

LISA: Oh, but -- (looks up)

LISA: (launching herself at him) CECIL!

GLEN: It's Glen Cameron, actually. Still want to marry me?

LISA: Oh yes, yes, yes!

JAY: Lisa?

JAY: Lisa, I... I... (gropes for words, then sings) I want to be loved by you, just you, and nobody else but you...

LISA (sings back, tenderly): I want to be loved by him alone. ...I'm sorry, Jay.

…And that would be where Gilbert rang the curtain down. But this is not a theatrical production, and life goes on. Here, then, what happened after Lisa and Glen celebrated their engagement.

Marriage.

Whatever.

I suppose Lisa made too many friends, because she ended up with a nifty llama jacket too.

LISA: But it’s my gnome, officer! I’m not really going to steal it. You can’t steal something that you already own!

I don’t know where she found the time, really. If she wasn’t at class, she was working on the Official requirements: at the robot bench until her Comfort meter turned a lovely shade of orange…

…then to the computer to work on a novel until her Comfort meter recovered…

…and back to the robot bench again.

Glen took his turn at the robot bench when Lisa didn’t need it, and ended his college career with a Bronze badge in Robotics.

He became, and remained, friends with Jo. You’d think that there might be some lingering awkwardness, what with Jo having a huge crush on Glen, and with him pretending to be her brother, and being engaged to her cousin, and all.

Married.

Whatever.

However, Jo found out that what Phoenix lacked in looks, he made up for in other ways, and she became much more reconciled to the idea of marrying him.

INDIGNANT DORMIE: Hey! Don’t you have rooms to go to?

Lisa had a similar revelation with regards to Glen, which may have had something to do with her Junior year switch to Romance.

LISA: Oh, Glen! Couldn’t you stay? Maybe you could get a Master’s! GLEN: No, I’m done. Why would I want another degree? LISA: But with you gone, I don’t know if I can… trust myself. Could you trust me?GLEN: Of course I trust you, darling! But, uh, you have my phone number if you… need anything, right?LISA: I do. And you’ll come if I call?GLEN: As fast as possible. Faster!

Leila also rerolled her aspiration at Junior year, as per the rules. She ended up as Family. However, I have Plans for her that also have rules, and those rules state that she can’t be Family. So I rerolled the reroll.

Leila ended up as Fortune again. I could have saved myself the bother.

Of course, after her disappointment in Veronaville, Leila couldn’t maintain her hero-worship of Titania Summerdream, but neither did she want to give up on her dream of becoming a fairy. However, as you can see, her next attempt at becoming more fairy-like was a little… eclectic.*

Lisa still loves her and supports her, but most other people think that she’s gone more than a little strange.

*The outfit is indeed Eaxis-made -- it’s from one of the store collections. The Art Nouveau one, I think. The hair is also from the store, but I have no idea which collection it’s from.

Now that he was back, Cecil had more chance of observing Anastasia’s recent antics, and after one encounter too many, he decided he was through with women.

After that one disastrous and ill-advised date with Blake Louie, he decided he was through with men, too.

And all of a sudden, it was time for graduation. In keeping with the current tradition, Hobbes* has given me extremely unsatisfying transition outfits for everyone, particularly the person associated with the Officially Wacky Boolprop Challenge household. (You can’t tell, but Cecil got a blue-and-white kimono.)

Glen’s outfit is out of character, perhaps, but it’s certainly not Wacky. I wanted Wacky, dammit!

*Hobbes is the name of my current computer. The previous computer was named Iolanthe, and the one before that was named Esme.

…What, you don’t name your computers? Then how can you cuss at them?

All that time on the computer ended up paying off for Lisa. Not only did she max out Creativity, but her play Woohoo was selected as one of the year’s best student plays in the whole country and published by Thalia Melepomene Books.

It sold fairly well, too, although that may or may not have had to do with the title.

And at the beginning of Senior year, Leila got a ray of hope that her dream might be achievable after all.

JIM THE DORMIE: Hey, I hope you don’t mind me asking… Are you wearing that face paint for religious reasons?

LEILA: No. (defiantly) I’m going to be a fairy someday.

JIN THE DORMIE: Oh, you mean with the wings and all? That’s pretty expensive, isn’t it?

LEILA: Wait -- you mean you really can become a fairy?

JIM THE DORMIE: Well, I know you can get wings surgically implanted. They tie them into your spinal cord or something? Anyway, they flap, sorta, and I’ve heard that some people get an added metabolic treatment where they live off moonbeams and dew after. It costs an absolute bomb, though, is what I’ve heard.

LEILA: How do you know all this?

JIM THE DORMIE: Dunno. I just pick stuff up.

LEILA: Well, where can I find out how to have it done?

JIM THE DORMIE: …The internet?

To the Internet it is, then. Leila found lots of information about people who had used body modification to transform themselves into all sorts of things: different varieties of large cat, mostly, but also lizards, rotting corpses, and non-specific creatures with horns or zebra-like stripes.*

The cost of body modification is quite high; particularly the getting-wings-implanted part -- even if you don’t want any tattoos.

*“Body modification,” Wikipedia article. Available from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Body_modification; accessed 26 February 2012. Not authoritative enough to cite in an academic paper, but fascinating.

So Leila applied for a job that paid very well.

INTERVIEWER: Hmmm… I’m really not sure, Ms. Shankel. You have no experience in this field.

LEILA (earnestly): No, but I can learn. I’m a very fast learner.

INTERVIEWER: I really don’t know. You see, you look a little bit too much like our… clientele.

LEILA: (steeling herself with a deep breath) The paint washes right off. And I’ll wear whatever uniform you require.

INTERVIEWER: Hmmm. Well, I have to admit that we don’t have many applicants for this position, and most of the people we hire don’t stay very long.LEILA: I’ll stick around. Really I will! I’m very dedicated. Very focused.INTERVIEWER: And you actually are interested in the post?LEILA: Absolutely! (under her breath) And the salary attached to it.INTERVIEWER: What was that?LEILA: I’m very interested, sir!INTERVIEWER: Hmmm. Well, we’ll get back to you.LEILA: Thank you, sir!

Alas, I will not be able to report the results of Leila’s interview, since very shortly thereafter the clock ran out and both girls had to graduate with honors.

As you can see, the Curse of the Non-Wacky Clothing continues.

This, then, is where I will leave you. I hope you enjoyed this extra-Plotty two-part college chapter!

Notes, disclaimers, and other trivia

This special crossover sotry is based on The Yeomen of the Guard, or, The Merryman and His Maid. That story was set in Elizabethan England and more specifically within the Tower of London. For obvious reasons, I changed all that. Not all scenes in this story correspond to scenes in the original opera. Just like last time, I could provide a one-to-one correspondence, but I suggest that you go watch a filmed or live production instead -- it will be much more enjoyable for you. I rearranged a couple scenes for better flow within a Uni setting. I have also deleted a couple scenes that couldn’t translate (as when one character sings a song about the Tower) and rearranged a few characters, as seen in the cast list.

Sir Richard Cholmondeley (Lieutenant of the Tower): Split between Leila Shankel and Ernie the SpoonColonel Fairfax (under sentence of death): Glen CameronSergeant Meryll (of the Yeomen of the Guard) and Phoebe Meryll (his daughter): Combined into Josephine ShankelLeonard Meryll (Phoebe’s brother): Cecil ShankelJack Point (a Strolling Jester): Jay CormierWilfred Shadbolt (Head Jailer and Assistant Tormenter): Phoenix WrenElsie Maynard (a Strolling Singer): Lisa Shankel

All other solo parts, most notably that of Dame Carruthers (Housekeeper to the Tower) were eliminated.

The song Lisa and Jay sing in Act I and reprise in Act II is “I Wanna Be Loved By You.” The original was recorded in the late 1920s or early 1930s by Helen Kane and was covered by Marilyn Monroe in the 1960s; Lisa is using Ms. Monroe’s lyrics. If the “boo boo be doo” part sounds familiar, it’s because Helen Kane was the model for Betty Boop, who appropriated Ms. Kane’s signature phrase “boop boop a doop.” I would guess that the phrase was copyrighted by the time Ms. Monroe recorded her version.

Gilbert & Sullivan used a different song the same way in the original opera: as a crowd pleaser in Act 1 and a source of pathos in Act II. I chose something more modern mostly because this is set in more modern times. Also, the original is really long.

Marilyn Monroe never wrote any books or plays, as far as I know, but Mae West started out as a playwright. Her play titled, basically, Woohoo, led to her arrest on obscenity charges, and two movies written by and starring her were so racy that they led to the creation of the rules about what you can and cannot do and say in movies, at least in America.*

Thalia Melepomene Books is not a real publisher. Thalia was the Muse of comedy and Melepomene was the Muse of tragedy, and I thought the name sounded good.

*Source: Mini-boigraphy found on IMDb: http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0922213/bio; accessed 21 February 2012.

I could not have shot this chapter without decorgal21572’s Custom Modeling Poses Hack V2 w/Face Overlays, which can be found at Mod The Sims (MTS). I try to use custom content very sparingly, now that I do use it, but without decorgal21572’s hack, several people in this story would have been inappropriately cheerful when they were supposed to be heartbroken or nasty.

Additional custom content in this story:

Screaming Mustard’s “Swan” posebox (from MTS), used for Leila’s introductory pictureLeila’s workout outfit in that picture was made by yours trulyAlso in that picture were hed’s “Ballet Barre” (MTS) and the clock from the jgwhite’s “Modern Office” set (MTS)Leesester’s “Move Over Dahlen” bookshelf (MTS) is behind Glen in the student lounge and also in his bedroomKiaraRawks’s “Long Drapes” (MTS) are in Jo’s bedroom, and so is Simgaroop’s “Maxis Match Stick ’Em Up Bulletin Board” (MTS)Glen wears Novemberlove’s “‘Mokey Hokey’” glasses recolors (MTS)

I apologize for the use of custom content, and will do my best to not use it in the future.

The fate of Jack Point is left ambiguous in the original: he “falls insensible”* at the feet of the happy couple. Some directors have interpreted this as dying, some as a simple faint, some just send him offstage, and I have heard of one production where he commits suicide offstage.

While Jay is not dead, he is certainly not in the best frame of mind. He will definitely need a safe place to stay while he heals. Somewhere that provides asylum, if you will. Stay tuned!

Until next time, Happy Simming!

* W. S. Gilbert, The Yeomen of The Guard, act 2, scene 10. Available from http://math.boisestate.edu/GaS/yeomen/web_opera/yeomen_22.html; accessed 9 January 2012.