rookie dad by david jacobsen, excerpt

8/14/2019 Rookie Dad by David Jacobsen, Excerpt

1/17
http://bit.ly/82KWzb


2/17

Weenlf Idi

Oepyrlbmt 7;;2 gy Idvli Cdoegsfa

Wfqufsts her laherjdtlea smeu`i gf diirfssfi te3

Seaifrvda, Brdai Wdplis, Jlomlbda 9


3/17

Her Omrlstlaf dai Alome`ds3

fflailab eur p`dof la tmf hdjl`y eh tmlabs
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4/17

Oeatfats

[rfùif3 _tdbf Hrlbmt | Omrlstlaf dai L drf jdnlab `fss tmda wfrf

spfailab rlbmt aew> jerf yfdrs la somee` jfdas jerf

stuifat èdas te pdy gdon `dtfr> mdvlab da Djfrlodagdgy la Odadid wl`` gf d pdpfrwern albmtjdrf> eur

pdrfats `lvf fflhtffa muairfi jl`fs dwdy> weuìat lt gf

gfttfr te wdlt uatl` wf mdvf jerf jeafy, jerf spdof,

dai jerf stdgl`lty5

Ymfa tmfrf drf tmf pfrsead` qufstleas, tmf eafs

reetfi iffp laslif jf. Rl`` jy wlhf stl`` èvf jf ds
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8/17

Weenlf Idi

4;

juom dhtfr wf mdvf d gdgy5 L hff` `lnf Lj fflad``y stdrt-

lab te ifvfèp d se`li hrlfaismlp wltm jy idi> ieat L

ifsfrvf jerf tljf te fxpèrf dai `fdra hrej tmdt rf`d-tleasmlp gfherf gfoejlab d hdtmfr jysf`h5 Mew wl`` jy

`drbf`y sf`fflsm dai laifpfaifat `lhfsty`f gf omdabfi gy

d `ltt`f pfrsea wme ls tetd``y ifpfaifat ea jf5 Rl`` L gf

d beei hdtmfr5

_e wmy, tmfa, drf wf trylab te mdvf d gdgy5 Rmy dj L

ruaalab ea jy ewa twe `fbs tewdri tmf o`lhhs fibf5Eaf albmt gfherf Omrlstlaf dai L `fht eur mejf

la Od`lherald te be te somee` la Xdaoeuvfr, Idi dai L

wfat eut te brdg sejf plzzd dai gffr. Mf mdi d _datd

Gdrgdrd Gèaif d grfw tmdts gffa tmf seurof eh d hfw

cenfs dai L mdi d Jlsslea D`f, omeeslab her jysf`h tmf

oèlstfrfi lhf. Rf wdltfi her eur pfppfreal plzzds te dr-rlvf gfherf td`nlab dgeut tmf huturf> mdvlab sejftmlab

te ie `fts us spfdn jerf fdsl`y dgeut ilhfflou`t tmlabs. L

teì mlj Omrlstlaf dai L wdatfi te stdrt d hdjl`y seea,

dai mf dsnfi lh lt jlbmt gf gfttfr te wdlt. _trubb`lab te

custlhy eur ifolslea, L fflad``y teì jy idi tmdt Omrlstlaf

ls hu``y d`lvf wmfa smf ls odrlab her d omlì. L teì mljtmdt L wdat wmdtfvfr jdnfs jy wlhf tmf jest ceyhu` dai

hu`ffl``fi, wmdt jdnfs mfr tmf jest mujda. Dreuai nlis,

L sdli, smf dgseùtf`y smlafs.

Ymdt ljdbf eh lbmt rfturafi te jf rfofat`y. Rd`nlab

iewa tmf stdlrwdy dt somee`, L he`èwfi d yeuab hdtmfr

meìlab mls gdgy ea mls smeuìfr. Ds wf ifsofaifi, tmf
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9/17

_tdbf H r l bm t

44

gdgy jdif fyf oeatdot wltm jf dai d sjl`f `lt up mls

hdof. L sjl`fi gdon. Mf g`lanfi dt fdom stfp, dai dhtfr

fdom g`lan, mls smlalab fyfs èonfi ea jlaf. L oeuìattdnf jy fyfs ehh eh mls. Jdygf mf `lnfi jy smlrt er jy

mdlr> jdygf mf sljp`y `lnfi èenlab late jy fyfs. L

ljdblafi jy ewa omlì la mls hdof, dai tmf oeatdot if-

`lbmtfi jf. Ymf rfst eh tmf idy, rfjfjgfrlab mls teetm-

`fss brla teen tmf fibf ehh jy hfdr.

Mdvlab d gdgy lsat d`` grlbmt fyfs dai sjl`fs,

tmeubm. L stl`` fflai d treug`lab pfrslstfaof la jy qufs-

tleas dgeut tmf wlsiej eh mdvlab d gdgy rlbmt aew. Lts

truf tmdt Omrlstlaf ls rfdiy te mdvf d gdgy dai tmf

seeafr tmf gfttfr hrej mfr pelat eh vlfw. Ymls ls wmfrf

daetmfr rfdsea gfoejfs o`fdr3 Omrlstlafs rfdilafssodrrlfs jf dèab, fvfa tmeubm Lj aet surf ea jy ewa

eh eur ifstladtlea. L trust Omrlstlaf. Ymls lsat tee mdri

gfodusf L `lvf wltm mfr> L wdtom tmf ifolsleas smf jdnfs

dai tmf latfbrlty wltm wmlom smf jdnfs tmfj. L gf`lfvf

tmdt smfs jevlab tewdri d p`dof eh brewtm dai beei-

afss, dai Lj oeatfat te he`èw mfr.Ymls nlai eh trust ls daytmlab gut g`lai. Lt sljp`y

tdnfs aew ds lts egcfot eh vlslea lastfdi eh tmfa, dai

mfrf la tmf aew, tmlabs drf prftty o`fdr. La wd`nlab te-

wdri hdtmfrmeei, L dj omeeslab d pdtm pfrpfailou`dr te

sf`fflsmafss. Lt weat, L naew, gf da fdsy pdtm. Jest eh jy

qufstleas odat gf daswfrfi ea tmls slif eh hdtmfrmeei
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10/17

Weenlf Idi

47

daywdy. Rml`f gflab d idi wl`` prevlif sejf daswfrs,

Lj surf lt wl`` prevlif afw dai gfttfr qufstleas.

[drfats wdat te blvf tmf tmlabs tmfy afvfr mdi tetmflr omlìrfa. Gut blvlab afw tmlabs sffjs `lnf tmf

fdsy pdrt. Ymf trlon her jf wl`` gf te blvf jy omlì tmesf

tmlabs L ilimdvf. Mew wl`` L pdss ea tmf èvf dai odrf

tmdt mdvf smdpfi jf hrej glrtm, dai smdpf jf stl``5

Mew wl`` L oeatlauf tmf èvf stery jy pdrfats drf stl``

wrltlab5 Rrltlab ls tfrrlhylab, gut tmf wrltfr just sftt`flate tmf wern eh ffl``lab pdbf dhtfr pdbf. _eea, pfrmdps,

L`` gf rfdiy te gfbla jy ewa omdptfrs3 sterlfs eh s`ffp-

`fss albmts dai tfdr-ffl``fi idys> sterlfs eh idl`y reutlaf>

sterlfs eh `ylab wltm jy gdgy ea jy omfst, wdtomlab jy

grfdtm stlr trdasùofat mdlr, dai trdolab jy fflabfr la

djdzfjfat dreuai fdrs tmf slzf eh gutteas.
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11/17

7;

Ymf Eiyssfy

Jy hdtmfr-la-`dw, Ieub, irevf eur V-Mdu` truon tmreubm

Erfbeas saewy seutmfra pdssfs, uslab snl``s meafi gy

oeuat`fss meurs dt tmf wmff` eh mls dveodie-dai-wmltf

WX, wml`f L he`èwfi dt d sdhf ilstdaof la jy Meaid

Dooeri sfida. Rf`` late tmf sfoeai idy eh eur jevf

hrej _datd Gdrgdrd, Od`lherald, te Xdaoeuvfr, GrltlsmOeùjgld, jy ceg wds te he`èw Ieubs `fdi dai jeal-

ter eur twe-wdy rdile her ljpertdat jfssdbfs hrej tmf

truon, `lnf wdralabs dgeut lof ea tmf redi er breda-

wertmy cenfs.

Ymrff jeatms fdr`lfr, Omrlstlaf dai L mdi ifolifi

te irlvf eur gfèablabs te eur afw mejf la Odadid, dalifd tmdt wds fdslfr sdli (la d oehhff smep evfr wdrj

`dttfs) tmda ieaf (la d V-Mdu` dai d odr doress fflhtffa

muairfi jl`fs eh wft er loy mlbmwdy). Rf ili mdvf tmf

herfslbmt te uaifrstdai tmf gerfiej wfi hdof lh wf

fdom irevf d vfmlo`f dèaf3 lpplab gftwffa oeua-

try-wfstfra dai _pdalsm rdile stdtleas, oeuatlab mew
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12/17

Ymf Eiyssfy

74

jday odrs pdssfi us pfr meur, dai hfailab ehh s`ffp

wltm ae eaf te mf`p. Gfslifs, wf tmlan _VXs drf tee glb

te irlvf, afvfr jlai d jevlab vda. Rf fflburfi d retdt-lab odst eh irlvfrs weu`i gf lifd`. Dayeaf oda gfoejf

daaeylab wmfa yeu spfai tmrff idys irlvlab tebftmfr,

gut tmf tmrfdt eh gerfiej wds hdr wersf. Omrlstlafs

idi dai mfr slstfr, @lsd, wfrf mdppy te cela us wmfa wf

dsnfi, dai wf wfrf mdppy te mdvf tmfj. @lsd ls bfat`f,

tf``s brfdt sterlfs, dai faceys sl``y bdjfs. Ieub ls d buywme Naews _tuhh, `lnf wmdt d odrgurfter ls, tmf ru`fs eh

penfr, dai mew tel`fts usm. Rf mdi, wltmeut d ieugt,

tmf pfrhfot irlvlab tfdj.

D`` tmdt rfjdlafi, dhtfr pdonlab, wds te `fdvf. L rf-

jfjgfr tmrff ljdbfs hrej tmf dhtfraeea wf fht. La tmf

fflrst, Lj slttlab ea jy pdrfats oeuom la _datd Gdrgdrdea Afw \fdrs Idy. Heetgd`` ls ea tf`fvlslea, hrlfais dai

hdjl`y drf ea oeuomfs, dai stfdjlab gew`s eh oml`l drf

ea pfep`fs `dps. L fdt, dai wdtom, dai `een dt jy hdjl`y

dai hrlfais, dai tmlan, La d hfw meurs, tmfy`` stl`` gf mfrf,

dai L`` gf irlvlab dwdy te `lvf la d afw oeuatry.

La tmf sfoeai ljdbf, Lj irlvlab up jy he`ns ou`-if-sdo dt fflhtffa jl`fs pfr meur la wdrj, suaay wfdtmfr,

wlaolab ds d mlifeus brlailab dai o`danlab oejfs

hrej gfafdtm jy odr. Ieub dai L mdi cust fflalsmfi la-

std``lab tmf saew omdlas her prdotlof Lh yeu oda ie lt

mfrf, yeu cust jlbmt gf dg`f te ie lt la tmf saew dt albmt,

rlbmt5 dai aew Lj jdnlab surf tmfy ieat hd`` ehh ds
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13/17

Weenlf Idi

77

L irlvf. Aflbmgermeei nlis sorffom tmflr glnfs te d md`t

dai bdwn, dai Lj muaomlab iewa la tmf irlvfrs sfdt,

trylab te gf laoeasploueus.Ymf tmlri ljdbf ls jerf `lnf d snftom tmda d jevlf.

Lj stdailab la tmf irlvfwdy, dai fvfryeaf la tmf meusf

mds oejf eutslif te sff us `fdvf. Hdofs tmdt L naew dai

`evf sffj te dppfdr dai ilsdppfdr ds L tura la d olro`f.

Fvfryeaf ls td`nlab, fvfryeaf ls jevlab. Rmej ie L

mub5 Ye wmej ie L sdy beeigyf5 L mub jy jej, dai jygretmfr, Wlon, dai mls wlhf, Ndtf. Wlon smlvfrs la tmf sua

ds mf fflbmts tmf u. Jy idi blvfs jf eaf eh mls hdjl`ldr

slifwdys mubs, mls smeu`ifrs dai mfdi turalab dwdy ds

L wrdp jy drjs dreuai mlj. Dai tmfa Lj suiifa`y la

tmf strfft, slttlab mlbm la tmf odg eh tmf V-Mdu`, wdvlab

beeigyf ds wf pu`` dwdy.Her Omrlstjds, Omrlstlaf dai L ifolifi te guy d pdlr

eh twe-wdy rdiles her Ieub, dai tmfa dsn mlj te grlab

mls prfsfat ea eur trlp. Rml`f pfrmdps peer ftlqufttf,

tmls wds rlbmt up Ieubs d``fy3 oee` bdibfts wltm da lj-

jfildtf usf. D`tmeubm lailspfasdg`f her jday prdotl-

od` rfdseas iurlab eur trlp, tmf rdiles wfrf jest ehtfausfi her oeavfrsdtleas `lnf tmls eaf3

Drf yeu buys tmfrf5

\fp.

Rmdt nlai eh fflsm jdnfs d lvlab fflxlab pldaes5

Vm, wf ieat naew. Rf blvf up.

\eurf surf yeu blvf up5


14/17

Ymf Eiyssfy

7?

\fs. Rmdts tmf daswfr5

\eurf surf yeurf rfdiy5

\fs!D tuad.

Eur rdile omdttfr teen d tura her tmf sfrleus ds

tmf wfdtmfr iftfrlerdtfi la aertmfra Od`lherald dai

tmreubmeut Erfbea dai Rdsmlabtea> wf spfat fss tljf

ordonlab wlsf dai jerf tljf ilsousslab tmf redi oeail-

tleas, ehtfa dt brfdt `fabtm.Dm, L tmlan tmls oerafr ls belab te gf d `ltt`f loy, se

be s`ew.

Endy, bet lt.

Rfrf tmreubm tmf oerafr . . . Lt hf`t fflaf, gut tdnf lt

s`ew daywdy.

Endy.Mew wds tmdt oerafr5

Hlaf.

D`rlbmt, L wds cust omfonlab. \naew, yeu step pdy-

lab dttfatlea her cust d sfoeai dai lts `lnf, Me`y Odts!

Rmfrfi tmdt lof oejf hrej! Wlbmt5

Wlbmt.Endy, lt eens lnf tmfrf jlbmt gf daetmfr loy oerafr

oejlab up . . .

Rf drrlvfi la Xdaoeuvfr fvfatud``y, dtf ea tmf tmlri

albmt, mdppy te fflad``y pdrn tmf truon. Ymf trlp wds suh-

fflolfat`y treug`fsejf tmdt Ieub iuggfi lt Ymf Eiyssfy

eh ;9, dai tmf heur eh us ili hff` d sfasf eh smdrfi


15/17

Weenlf Idi

79

dooejp`lsmjfat. _ejf eh eur divfaturfs wl`` be iewa

la hdjl`y `erf. Ds Latfrstdtf 6 `fdvfs Od`lherald dai

o`ljgs late tmf _lsnlyeu Jeuatdlas, wf heuai eursf`vfslastd``lab omdlas ea getm tmf odr dai tmf vda. Rmfa L

sdy wf, L jfda us jfa. Ymls wds eblod` faeubm, slaof

Ieub dai L mdi prdotlofi cust d hfw idys fdr`lfr. Dai mf

wds rlbmt3 strubb`lab wltm loy omdlas la tmf saew wds d

wme`f ilhhfrfat fxpfrlfaof. _fjls omuanfi gy us wltm

tmflr laiustrld`-strfabtm omdlas, sodrlab tmf pdats ehhjf ds L naf`t ea`y d hfw hfft dwdy. Etmfr irlvfrs sffjfi

te gf bfttlab tmflr omdlas ea juom hdstfr tmda wf wfrf.

Eaof wf jdamdai`fi tmf omdlas eate tmf vda tlrfs, d

preofss lave`vlab trld`, frrer, dai heur-`fttfr weris, wf

odjf gdon te put tmf omdlas ea tmf Meaid, la wmlom

Omrlstlaf dai @lsd wfrf slttlab. Affilab te rfsterf sejfhff`lab la jy fflabfrs, L naeonfi ea tmf wlaiew, dai

@lsd re``fi lt iewa. L put jy mdais la hreat eh tmf mfdtfr

vfat, dai ds L ili se L sdw tmdt Omrlstlaf dai @lsd wfrf

nalttlab. L trlfi aet te `ft tmls getmfr jf. Dhtfr d``, L wds

mdppy te sfrvf tmfj brdoleus`y gy naff`lab la tmf loy

s`usm dai lastd``lab tmf omdlas. L ili hff` tmf tffalfstglt put eut, tmeubm, wmfa tmfy jfatleafi tmdt wltm tmf

wlaiew iewa, L wds `fttlab d`` tmf wdrj dlr eut eh tmf

odr.

Cust eutslif eh Ydoejd, tmf mlbmwdy wds oej-

p`ftf`y wmltf, da uasftt`lab fxpfrlfaof her d _eutmfra

Od`lheralda. Lt wds saewlab stfdil`y, dai ds fvfalab dp-
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16/17

Ymf Eiyssfy

76

predomfi, vlslgl`lty oeatlaufi te wersfa. Rf pdssfi odr

dhtfr odr tmdt mdi spua eut dai wds aew stuon la tmf

saew ea tmf slif eh tmf mlbmwdy, mfdi`lbmts pelatlab dteii dab`fs te tmf redi er up late tmf dlr. Aet wdatlab te

cela tmfj, wf pu``fi ehh tmf mlbmwdy dai late tmf pdrn-

lab èt eh d plzzd celat. Rf sdt laslif, muii`fi dreuai d

oeì tdg`f, trylab te nffp tmf hfdr dt gdy. Weuai Ydg`f

[lzzd, mum5 Ymfa wmy drf d`` tmf tdg`fs squdrf5L wfat

te usf tmf rfstreej te dveli tmf ifgdtf gftwffa jfdt

dai vfbblfs, dai ds L steei la tmdt sl`fat reej, L rfd`lzfi

tmdt L hf`t, gfyeai tmf hfdr, d sfasf eh pretfotlea. Ieub

wds wdtomlab eut her us, dai wfi gf dg`f te mdai`f

wmdtfvfr odjf up, tebftmfr.

Rf ili laiffi jdnf lt te Xdaoeuvfr dtf tmdt albmt, ted afw mejf tmdt hf`t `lnf daytmlab gut. Dhtfr wf pu``fi

la, wf ilsoevfrfi tmdt tmf pdièon ea tmf gdon ieer eh

tmf truon wds hrezfa smut. Rf jdadbfi te bft tmf ieer

epfa, wltm tmf mf`p eh eur `daièris f`fotrlo tfdpet,

dai heuai tmdt wml`f wfi mdi tmf herfslbmt te pdon eur

jdttrfssfs afdr tmf ieer, eur pl`èws dai g`danfts wfrfgurlfi d`` tmf wdy up afdr tmf odg. L stdrfi dt tmf oea-

tfats eh tmf truon, drjs oressfi dai hfft smuhlab. Ymf

hrffzlab dlr orystd``lzfi jy slbm. Ymfa Ieub brdggfi d

gex dai mfdifi her tmf meusf. Omrlstlaf brdggfi d gdb

hu`` eh smefs. Gfherf èab yeu wern hdst wmfa yeurf

muatlab her g`danfts la sugzfre wfdtmfr tmf heur eh
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17/17

Weenlf Idi

78

us wfrf laslif her tmf albmt, wdrjlab gfafdtm eur oej-

hertfrs ds saew hf`` eutslif.

Ieub dai L naew tmdt wfrf qultf ilhhfrfat. Gutspfailab meurs tebftmfr la d V-Mdu` ls d brfdt oeavfr-

sdtlea stdrtfr, dai wf `fdrafi jerf dgeut fdom etmfr

la tmesf tmrff idys tmda wf mdi la tmf prfvleus tmrff

yfdrs. L `fdrafi d èt hrej wdtomlab, tee. L sdw mlj pd-

tlfat`y uapdonlab saew omdlas her tmf sfoeai tljf la

eaf idy. L sdw mlj od`j`y guylab us met plzzd wmfawf wfrf sodrfi dai strfssfi L fflburf tmf mlbmwdy``

epfa dbdla seea . . . Rf`` jdnf lt te Xdaoeuvfr tealbmt.

L wdtomfi mlj èvf mls hdjl`y her sfvfaty-twe meurs

strdlbmt, blvlab jf getm d blht dai sejftmlab te `lvf

up te. Ds mf wds `fdvlab, mf wrdppfi jf la eaf eh mls

gfdr mubs dai teì jf tmdt mf èvfi jf. L rfd`lzfi tmdtIeub dai L mdi jdif lt tmreubm eur fflrst tmrff yfdrs

tebftmfr wltm d ofrtdla nlai eh èvf, tmf ehh-tmf-smf`h

vdrlfty tmdt dooejpdalfs gfoejlab d afw hdjl`y, tmf

nlai tmdt tmlans lt jlbmt gf fdslfr lh wf wfrf jerf d`lnf.

Lt wds rfd` èvf, gut aet vfry rfd`lstlo. Aew, d afw nlai

eh èvf wds gfblaalab te brew gftwffa us3 d èvf tmdtiefsat wern dreuai tmf ilhhfrfaofs, gut werns gfodusf

eh tmfj.
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rookie dad by david jacobsen, excerpt

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