rookie dad by david jacobsen, excerpt
TRANSCRIPT
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8/14/2019 Rookie Dad by David Jacobsen, Excerpt
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http://bit.ly/82KWzb -
8/14/2019 Rookie Dad by David Jacobsen, Excerpt
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Weenlf Idi
Oepyrlbmt 7;;2 gy Idvli Cdoegsfa
Wfqufsts her laherjdtlea smeu`i gf diirfssfi te3
Seaifrvda, Brdai Wdplis, Jlomlbda 9
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8/14/2019 Rookie Dad by David Jacobsen, Excerpt
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Her Omrlstlaf dai Alome`ds3
fflailab eur p`dof la tmf hdjl`y eh tmlabs
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8/14/2019 Rookie Dad by David Jacobsen, Excerpt
4/17
Oeatfats
[rf`uif3 _tdbf Hrlbmt | Omrlstlaf dai L drf jdnlab `fss tmda wfrf
spfailab rlbmt aew> jerf yfdrs la somee` jfdas jerf
stuifat `edas te pdy gdon `dtfr> mdvlab da Djfrlodagdgy la Odadid wl`` gf d pdpfrwern albmtjdrf> eur
pdrfats `lvf fflhtffa muairfi jl`fs dwdy> weu`iat lt gf
gfttfr te wdlt uatl` wf mdvf jerf jeafy, jerf spdof,
dai jerf stdgl`lty5
Ymfa tmfrf drf tmf pfrsead` qufstleas, tmf eafs
reetfi iffp laslif jf. Rl`` jy wlhf stl`` `evf jf ds
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8/14/2019 Rookie Dad by David Jacobsen, Excerpt
8/17
Weenlf Idi
4;
juom dhtfr wf mdvf d gdgy5 L hff` `lnf Lj fflad``y stdrt-
lab te ifvf`ep d se`li hrlfaismlp wltm jy idi> ieat L
ifsfrvf jerf tljf te fxp`erf dai `fdra hrej tmdt rf`d-tleasmlp gfherf gfoejlab d hdtmfr jysf`h5 Mew wl`` jy
`drbf`y sf`fflsm dai laifpfaifat `lhfsty`f gf omdabfi gy
d `ltt`f pfrsea wme ls tetd``y ifpfaifat ea jf5 Rl`` L gf
d beei hdtmfr5
_e wmy, tmfa, drf wf trylab te mdvf d gdgy5 Rmy dj L
ruaalab ea jy ewa twe `fbs tewdri tmf o`lhhs fibf5Eaf albmt gfherf Omrlstlaf dai L `fht eur mejf
la Od`lherald te be te somee` la Xdaoeuvfr, Idi dai L
wfat eut te brdg sejf plzzd dai gffr. Mf mdi d _datd
Gdrgdrd G`eaif d grfw tmdts gffa tmf seurof eh d hfw
cenfs dai L mdi d Jlsslea D`f, omeeslab her jysf`h tmf
o`elstfrfi lhf. Rf wdltfi her eur pfppfreal plzzds te dr-rlvf gfherf td`nlab dgeut tmf huturf> mdvlab sejftmlab
te ie `fts us spfdn jerf fdsl`y dgeut ilhfflou`t tmlabs. L
te`i mlj Omrlstlaf dai L wdatfi te stdrt d hdjl`y seea,
dai mf dsnfi lh lt jlbmt gf gfttfr te wdlt. _trubb`lab te
custlhy eur ifolslea, L fflad``y te`i jy idi tmdt Omrlstlaf
ls hu``y d`lvf wmfa smf ls odrlab her d oml`i. L te`i mljtmdt L wdat wmdtfvfr jdnfs jy wlhf tmf jest ceyhu` dai
hu`ffl``fi, wmdt jdnfs mfr tmf jest mujda. Dreuai nlis,
L sdli, smf dgse`utf`y smlafs.
Ymdt ljdbf eh lbmt rfturafi te jf rfofat`y. Rd`nlab
iewa tmf stdlrwdy dt somee`, L he``ewfi d yeuab hdtmfr
me`ilab mls gdgy ea mls smeu`ifr. Ds wf ifsofaifi, tmf
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8/14/2019 Rookie Dad by David Jacobsen, Excerpt
9/17
_tdbf H r l bm t
44
gdgy jdif fyf oeatdot wltm jf dai d sjl`f `lt up mls
hdof. L sjl`fi gdon. Mf g`lanfi dt fdom stfp, dai dhtfr
fdom g`lan, mls smlalab fyfs `eonfi ea jlaf. L oeu`iattdnf jy fyfs ehh eh mls. Jdygf mf `lnfi jy smlrt er jy
mdlr> jdygf mf sljp`y `lnfi `eenlab late jy fyfs. L
ljdblafi jy ewa oml`i la mls hdof, dai tmf oeatdot if-
`lbmtfi jf. Ymf rfst eh tmf idy, rfjfjgfrlab mls teetm-
`fss brla teen tmf fibf ehh jy hfdr.
Mdvlab d gdgy lsat d`` grlbmt fyfs dai sjl`fs,
tmeubm. L stl`` fflai d treug`lab pfrslstfaof la jy qufs-
tleas dgeut tmf wlsiej eh mdvlab d gdgy rlbmt aew. Lts
truf tmdt Omrlstlaf ls rfdiy te mdvf d gdgy dai tmf
seeafr tmf gfttfr hrej mfr pelat eh vlfw. Ymls ls wmfrf
daetmfr rfdsea gfoejfs o`fdr3 Omrlstlafs rfdilafssodrrlfs jf d`eab, fvfa tmeubm Lj aet surf ea jy ewa
eh eur ifstladtlea. L trust Omrlstlaf. Ymls lsat tee mdri
gfodusf L `lvf wltm mfr> L wdtom tmf ifolsleas smf jdnfs
dai tmf latfbrlty wltm wmlom smf jdnfs tmfj. L gf`lfvf
tmdt smfs jevlab tewdri d p`dof eh brewtm dai beei-
afss, dai Lj oeatfat te he``ew mfr.Ymls nlai eh trust ls daytmlab gut g`lai. Lt sljp`y
tdnfs aew ds lts egcfot eh vlslea lastfdi eh tmfa, dai
mfrf la tmf aew, tmlabs drf prftty o`fdr. La wd`nlab te-
wdri hdtmfrmeei, L dj omeeslab d pdtm pfrpfailou`dr te
sf`fflsmafss. Lt weat, L naew, gf da fdsy pdtm. Jest eh jy
qufstleas odat gf daswfrfi ea tmls slif eh hdtmfrmeei
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8/14/2019 Rookie Dad by David Jacobsen, Excerpt
10/17
Weenlf Idi
47
daywdy. Rml`f gflab d idi wl`` prevlif sejf daswfrs,
Lj surf lt wl`` prevlif afw dai gfttfr qufstleas.
[drfats wdat te blvf tmf tmlabs tmfy afvfr mdi tetmflr oml`irfa. Gut blvlab afw tmlabs sffjs `lnf tmf
fdsy pdrt. Ymf trlon her jf wl`` gf te blvf jy oml`i tmesf
tmlabs L ilimdvf. Mew wl`` L pdss ea tmf `evf dai odrf
tmdt mdvf smdpfi jf hrej glrtm, dai smdpf jf stl``5
Mew wl`` L oeatlauf tmf `evf stery jy pdrfats drf stl``
wrltlab5 Rrltlab ls tfrrlhylab, gut tmf wrltfr just sftt`flate tmf wern eh ffl``lab pdbf dhtfr pdbf. _eea, pfrmdps,
L`` gf rfdiy te gfbla jy ewa omdptfrs3 sterlfs eh s`ffp-
`fss albmts dai tfdr-ffl``fi idys> sterlfs eh idl`y reutlaf>
sterlfs eh `ylab wltm jy gdgy ea jy omfst, wdtomlab jy
grfdtm stlr trdas`uofat mdlr, dai trdolab jy fflabfr la
djdzfjfat dreuai fdrs tmf slzf eh gutteas.
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8/14/2019 Rookie Dad by David Jacobsen, Excerpt
11/17
7;
Ymf Eiyssfy
Jy hdtmfr-la-`dw, Ieub, irevf eur V-Mdu` truon tmreubm
Erfbeas saewy seutmfra pdssfs, uslab snl``s meafi gy
oeuat`fss meurs dt tmf wmff` eh mls dveodie-dai-wmltf
WX, wml`f L he``ewfi dt d sdhf ilstdaof la jy Meaid
Dooeri sfida. Rf`` late tmf sfoeai idy eh eur jevf
hrej _datd Gdrgdrd, Od`lherald, te Xdaoeuvfr, GrltlsmOe`ujgld, jy ceg wds te he``ew Ieubs `fdi dai jeal-
ter eur twe-wdy rdile her ljpertdat jfssdbfs hrej tmf
truon, `lnf wdralabs dgeut lof ea tmf redi er breda-
wertmy cenfs.
Ymrff jeatms fdr`lfr, Omrlstlaf dai L mdi ifolifi
te irlvf eur gf`eablabs te eur afw mejf la Odadid, dalifd tmdt wds fdslfr sdli (la d oehhff smep evfr wdrj
`dttfs) tmda ieaf (la d V-Mdu` dai d odr doress fflhtffa
muairfi jl`fs eh wft er loy mlbmwdy). Rf ili mdvf tmf
herfslbmt te uaifrstdai tmf gerfiej wfi hdof lh wf
fdom irevf d vfmlo`f d`eaf3 lpplab gftwffa oeua-
try-wfstfra dai _pdalsm rdile stdtleas, oeuatlab mew
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8/14/2019 Rookie Dad by David Jacobsen, Excerpt
12/17
Ymf Eiyssfy
74
jday odrs pdssfi us pfr meur, dai hfailab ehh s`ffp
wltm ae eaf te mf`p. Gfslifs, wf tmlan _VXs drf tee glb
te irlvf, afvfr jlai d jevlab vda. Rf fflburfi d retdt-lab odst eh irlvfrs weu`i gf lifd`. Dayeaf oda gfoejf
daaeylab wmfa yeu spfai tmrff idys irlvlab tebftmfr,
gut tmf tmrfdt eh gerfiej wds hdr wersf. Omrlstlafs
idi dai mfr slstfr, @lsd, wfrf mdppy te cela us wmfa wf
dsnfi, dai wf wfrf mdppy te mdvf tmfj. @lsd ls bfat`f,
tf``s brfdt sterlfs, dai faceys sl``y bdjfs. Ieub ls d buywme Naews _tuhh, `lnf wmdt d odrgurfter ls, tmf ru`fs eh
penfr, dai mew tel`fts usm. Rf mdi, wltmeut d ieugt,
tmf pfrhfot irlvlab tfdj.
D`` tmdt rfjdlafi, dhtfr pdonlab, wds te `fdvf. L rf-
jfjgfr tmrff ljdbfs hrej tmf dhtfraeea wf fht. La tmf
fflrst, Lj slttlab ea jy pdrfats oeuom la _datd Gdrgdrdea Afw \fdrs Idy. Heetgd`` ls ea tf`fvlslea, hrlfais dai
hdjl`y drf ea oeuomfs, dai stfdjlab gew`s eh oml`l drf
ea pfep`fs `dps. L fdt, dai wdtom, dai `een dt jy hdjl`y
dai hrlfais, dai tmlan, La d hfw meurs, tmfy`` stl`` gf mfrf,
dai L`` gf irlvlab dwdy te `lvf la d afw oeuatry.
La tmf sfoeai ljdbf, Lj irlvlab up jy he`ns ou`-if-sdo dt fflhtffa jl`fs pfr meur la wdrj, suaay wfdtmfr,
wlaolab ds d mlifeus brlailab dai o`danlab oejfs
hrej gfafdtm jy odr. Ieub dai L mdi cust fflalsmfi la-
std``lab tmf saew omdlas her prdotlof Lh yeu oda ie lt
mfrf, yeu cust jlbmt gf dg`f te ie lt la tmf saew dt albmt,
rlbmt5 dai aew Lj jdnlab surf tmfy ieat hd`` ehh ds
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8/14/2019 Rookie Dad by David Jacobsen, Excerpt
13/17
Weenlf Idi
77
L irlvf. Aflbmgermeei nlis sorffom tmflr glnfs te d md`t
dai bdwn, dai Lj muaomlab iewa la tmf irlvfrs sfdt,
trylab te gf laoeasploueus.Ymf tmlri ljdbf ls jerf `lnf d snftom tmda d jevlf.
Lj stdailab la tmf irlvfwdy, dai fvfryeaf la tmf meusf
mds oejf eutslif te sff us `fdvf. Hdofs tmdt L naew dai
`evf sffj te dppfdr dai ilsdppfdr ds L tura la d olro`f.
Fvfryeaf ls td`nlab, fvfryeaf ls jevlab. Rmej ie L
mub5 Ye wmej ie L sdy beeigyf5 L mub jy jej, dai jygretmfr, Wlon, dai mls wlhf, Ndtf. Wlon smlvfrs la tmf sua
ds mf fflbmts tmf u. Jy idi blvfs jf eaf eh mls hdjl`ldr
slifwdys mubs, mls smeu`ifrs dai mfdi turalab dwdy ds
L wrdp jy drjs dreuai mlj. Dai tmfa Lj suiifa`y la
tmf strfft, slttlab mlbm la tmf odg eh tmf V-Mdu`, wdvlab
beeigyf ds wf pu`` dwdy.Her Omrlstjds, Omrlstlaf dai L ifolifi te guy d pdlr
eh twe-wdy rdiles her Ieub, dai tmfa dsn mlj te grlab
mls prfsfat ea eur trlp. Rml`f pfrmdps peer ftlqufttf,
tmls wds rlbmt up Ieubs d``fy3 oee` bdibfts wltm da lj-
jfildtf usf. D`tmeubm lailspfasdg`f her jday prdotl-
od` rfdseas iurlab eur trlp, tmf rdiles wfrf jest ehtfausfi her oeavfrsdtleas `lnf tmls eaf3
Drf yeu buys tmfrf5
\fp.
Rmdt nlai eh fflsm jdnfs d lvlab fflxlab pldaes5
Vm, wf ieat naew. Rf blvf up.
\eurf surf yeu blvf up5
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8/14/2019 Rookie Dad by David Jacobsen, Excerpt
14/17
Ymf Eiyssfy
7?
\fs. Rmdts tmf daswfr5
\eurf surf yeurf rfdiy5
\fs!D tuad.
Eur rdile omdttfr teen d tura her tmf sfrleus ds
tmf wfdtmfr iftfrlerdtfi la aertmfra Od`lherald dai
tmreubmeut Erfbea dai Rdsmlabtea> wf spfat fss tljf
ordonlab wlsf dai jerf tljf ilsousslab tmf redi oeail-
tleas, ehtfa dt brfdt `fabtm.Dm, L tmlan tmls oerafr ls belab te gf d `ltt`f loy, se
be s`ew.
Endy, bet lt.
Rfrf tmreubm tmf oerafr . . . Lt hf`t fflaf, gut tdnf lt
s`ew daywdy.
Endy.Mew wds tmdt oerafr5
Hlaf.
D`rlbmt, L wds cust omfonlab. \naew, yeu step pdy-
lab dttfatlea her cust d sfoeai dai lts `lnf, Me`y Odts!
Rmfrfi tmdt lof oejf hrej! Wlbmt5
Wlbmt.Endy, lt eens lnf tmfrf jlbmt gf daetmfr loy oerafr
oejlab up . . .
Rf drrlvfi la Xdaoeuvfr fvfatud``y, dtf ea tmf tmlri
albmt, mdppy te fflad``y pdrn tmf truon. Ymf trlp wds suh-
fflolfat`y treug`fsejf tmdt Ieub iuggfi lt Ymf Eiyssfy
eh ;9, dai tmf heur eh us ili hff` d sfasf eh smdrfi
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8/14/2019 Rookie Dad by David Jacobsen, Excerpt
15/17
Weenlf Idi
79
dooejp`lsmjfat. _ejf eh eur divfaturfs wl`` be iewa
la hdjl`y `erf. Ds Latfrstdtf 6 `fdvfs Od`lherald dai
o`ljgs late tmf _lsnlyeu Jeuatdlas, wf heuai eursf`vfslastd``lab omdlas ea getm tmf odr dai tmf vda. Rmfa L
sdy wf, L jfda us jfa. Ymls wds eblod` faeubm, slaof
Ieub dai L mdi prdotlofi cust d hfw idys fdr`lfr. Dai mf
wds rlbmt3 strubb`lab wltm loy omdlas la tmf saew wds d
wme`f ilhhfrfat fxpfrlfaof. _fjls omuanfi gy us wltm
tmflr laiustrld`-strfabtm omdlas, sodrlab tmf pdats ehhjf ds L naf`t ea`y d hfw hfft dwdy. Etmfr irlvfrs sffjfi
te gf bfttlab tmflr omdlas ea juom hdstfr tmda wf wfrf.
Eaof wf jdamdai`fi tmf omdlas eate tmf vda tlrfs, d
preofss lave`vlab trld`, frrer, dai heur-`fttfr weris, wf
odjf gdon te put tmf omdlas ea tmf Meaid, la wmlom
Omrlstlaf dai @lsd wfrf slttlab. Affilab te rfsterf sejfhff`lab la jy fflabfrs, L naeonfi ea tmf wlaiew, dai
@lsd re``fi lt iewa. L put jy mdais la hreat eh tmf mfdtfr
vfat, dai ds L ili se L sdw tmdt Omrlstlaf dai @lsd wfrf
nalttlab. L trlfi aet te `ft tmls getmfr jf. Dhtfr d``, L wds
mdppy te sfrvf tmfj brdoleus`y gy naff`lab la tmf loy
s`usm dai lastd``lab tmf omdlas. L ili hff` tmf tffalfstglt put eut, tmeubm, wmfa tmfy jfatleafi tmdt wltm tmf
wlaiew iewa, L wds `fttlab d`` tmf wdrj dlr eut eh tmf
odr.
Cust eutslif eh Ydoejd, tmf mlbmwdy wds oej-
p`ftf`y wmltf, da uasftt`lab fxpfrlfaof her d _eutmfra
Od`lheralda. Lt wds saewlab stfdil`y, dai ds fvfalab dp-
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8/14/2019 Rookie Dad by David Jacobsen, Excerpt
16/17
Ymf Eiyssfy
76
predomfi, vlslgl`lty oeatlaufi te wersfa. Rf pdssfi odr
dhtfr odr tmdt mdi spua eut dai wds aew stuon la tmf
saew ea tmf slif eh tmf mlbmwdy, mfdi`lbmts pelatlab dteii dab`fs te tmf redi er up late tmf dlr. Aet wdatlab te
cela tmfj, wf pu``fi ehh tmf mlbmwdy dai late tmf pdrn-
lab `et eh d plzzd celat. Rf sdt laslif, muii`fi dreuai d
oe`i tdg`f, trylab te nffp tmf hfdr dt gdy. Weuai Ydg`f
[lzzd, mum5 Ymfa wmy drf d`` tmf tdg`fs squdrf5L wfat
te usf tmf rfstreej te dveli tmf ifgdtf gftwffa jfdt
dai vfbblfs, dai ds L steei la tmdt sl`fat reej, L rfd`lzfi
tmdt L hf`t, gfyeai tmf hfdr, d sfasf eh pretfotlea. Ieub
wds wdtomlab eut her us, dai wfi gf dg`f te mdai`f
wmdtfvfr odjf up, tebftmfr.
Rf ili laiffi jdnf lt te Xdaoeuvfr dtf tmdt albmt, ted afw mejf tmdt hf`t `lnf daytmlab gut. Dhtfr wf pu``fi
la, wf ilsoevfrfi tmdt tmf pdi`eon ea tmf gdon ieer eh
tmf truon wds hrezfa smut. Rf jdadbfi te bft tmf ieer
epfa, wltm tmf mf`p eh eur `dai`eris f`fotrlo tfdpet,
dai heuai tmdt wml`f wfi mdi tmf herfslbmt te pdon eur
jdttrfssfs afdr tmf ieer, eur pl``ews dai g`danfts wfrfgurlfi d`` tmf wdy up afdr tmf odg. L stdrfi dt tmf oea-
tfats eh tmf truon, drjs oressfi dai hfft smuhlab. Ymf
hrffzlab dlr orystd``lzfi jy slbm. Ymfa Ieub brdggfi d
gex dai mfdifi her tmf meusf. Omrlstlaf brdggfi d gdb
hu`` eh smefs. Gfherf `eab yeu wern hdst wmfa yeurf
muatlab her g`danfts la sugzfre wfdtmfr tmf heur eh
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8/14/2019 Rookie Dad by David Jacobsen, Excerpt
17/17
Weenlf Idi
78
us wfrf laslif her tmf albmt, wdrjlab gfafdtm eur oej-
hertfrs ds saew hf`` eutslif.
Ieub dai L naew tmdt wfrf qultf ilhhfrfat. Gutspfailab meurs tebftmfr la d V-Mdu` ls d brfdt oeavfr-
sdtlea stdrtfr, dai wf `fdrafi jerf dgeut fdom etmfr
la tmesf tmrff idys tmda wf mdi la tmf prfvleus tmrff
yfdrs. L `fdrafi d `et hrej wdtomlab, tee. L sdw mlj pd-
tlfat`y uapdonlab saew omdlas her tmf sfoeai tljf la
eaf idy. L sdw mlj od`j`y guylab us met plzzd wmfawf wfrf sodrfi dai strfssfi L fflburf tmf mlbmwdy``
epfa dbdla seea . . . Rf`` jdnf lt te Xdaoeuvfr tealbmt.
L wdtomfi mlj `evf mls hdjl`y her sfvfaty-twe meurs
strdlbmt, blvlab jf getm d blht dai sejftmlab te `lvf
up te. Ds mf wds `fdvlab, mf wrdppfi jf la eaf eh mls
gfdr mubs dai te`i jf tmdt mf `evfi jf. L rfd`lzfi tmdtIeub dai L mdi jdif lt tmreubm eur fflrst tmrff yfdrs
tebftmfr wltm d ofrtdla nlai eh `evf, tmf ehh-tmf-smf`h
vdrlfty tmdt dooejpdalfs gfoejlab d afw hdjl`y, tmf
nlai tmdt tmlans lt jlbmt gf fdslfr lh wf wfrf jerf d`lnf.
Lt wds rfd` `evf, gut aet vfry rfd`lstlo. Aew, d afw nlai
eh `evf wds gfblaalab te brew gftwffa us3 d `evf tmdtiefsat wern dreuai tmf ilhhfrfaofs, gut werns gfodusf
eh tmfj.
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