Romeo and JulietACT 1 SCENE 1

Song / dance Sing/ Ed Sheeran:

PROLOGUEThe Moon: Daniel Fidler

Greetings Lords and Princesses of the vale of Millhouses…Welcome also to your slaves and your extensions and your en-suites and anybody that sails on you… (pauses)…

I am de Moon… (pauses) And I am here to inform thee of thy thous and thy therefores… Doth thou have a phone that is mobile? …Raise your dainty hands if you do…

(Goes up to lady)

Thomas The Moon

I am also de moon... Why madam… You have a woman’s hand… I’ll wager that hand has never fought off five hundred sea devils from Grimsby called Mavis… I’ll wager you have never had to use your raw strength to fight off the attentions of barmy bearded Bob from Barnsley as he belatedly bothers you by backbiting and bestowing bandages on your bulbous bottom!

(Goes up to lady)

Daniel The Moon

Why sir… You have a woman’s hand… But I’ll stop. Right. There…

So these mobiles… Pray that they are silent or you will be cast asunder… So hush with your jibber jabbering, your he said she said gossiping … Indeed you can taketh your apples and your blackberries, your dinging dongles and your babies and set them on mute…

Tom Moon

Oh madam you do seem rather ‘special’ don’t you… (are you in your special place… You know the one your nurse told you about…) Now sit back and relax, let your mind float and think of Shakespeare…

Lady Montague: Two households, both alike in dignity, In fair Verona, where we lay our scene, From ancient grudge break to new mutiny, Where civil blood makes civil hands unclean.

Lady Manchester: From forth the fatal loins of these two foes A pair of star-cross'd lovers take their life; Whose misadventured piteous overthrows

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Do with their death bury their parents' strife.

Lady Montague – The fearful passage of their death- mark'd love, And the continuance of their parents' rage, Which, but their children's end, nought could remove, Is now the two hours' traffic of our stage;

Lady Manchester: From The which if you with patient ears attend,What here shall miss, our toil shall strive to mend.

ACT 1 SCENE 1

(Enter Mercutio and Benvolio and Gregory. Mercutio and Benvolio are laughing and chatting, but Gregory is wandering about looking on edge)

GREGORY: Draw your swords! Here enters two from the house of the Capulets! Those men are dogs and they will be made to squirm like the wretched mongrels they so resemble.

MERCUTIO: If they want a fight, let them start it. Let them bring the rumble to the jungle… Let the hokey see the cokey! Let the monkey see the nuts…

GREGORY: Doth thou think thy audience is soley here for Take me Out… Why I will grant thee that many look quite special but this is Shakespeare.

Now pray silence… For I am going to give them some evil looks, see how they like that! My hard stares are so full of malice they can melt the hearts of psychoes.

(Enter ABRAHAM and TYBALT. Tybalt stands looking moody by the side of the stage, he hasn’t seen the Montagues, but ABRAHAM sees Gregory giving him funny looks.)

ABRAHAM: What’s your problem? I doth not like the way thy stands like a princess on the dancefloor.

GREGORY : Stop making the eyes at me and I’ll stop making my eyes at you…

ABRAHAM : What surprises me is that I don’t really want you to… Without a sound yeah you’re calling me and don’t think its very fair…

Song / dance Bet you look Good on the dancefloor / Arctic Monkeys:

GREGORY: Are you starting something? You don’t want to be starting something…

ABRAHAM : Starting something? ME? You twist and turn like a twisty turny thing. I wouldn’t waste my time on you! Put your handbag down Billy Jean, you so aren’t worth it…

GREGORY : I would gladly put down my handbag but I fear you would dance around it.. so

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tell me little minnon? Why do you serve a fool? My master's kinsmen are full of virtue and yours stacked full of vile…

ABRAHAM : You have scorned me once too often! I will rip you apart and laugh as you split your sides and all that bile and ego seeps to the floor .. And be warned the only laughter then will be mine…

GREGORY: Well come on then! Lets have a look at you! My My.. You sir, are the size of Tyson Fury after bingeing in Barnsley and yet your fists are faint and fairyesque… So pray tell you can talk the talk but can you walk the walk?

(They move to fight moving with swords)

BENVOLIO Part, fools! Put down your swords; you know not what you do.

(Beats down their swordsTYBALT comes over)

TYBALT : Ha! Benvolio? Why is it that I’m not surprised to see you toying with your sword prodding them at these silly children. Come on then, if you call yourself a hero let’s have a real fight!

BENVOLIO: Either depart from this place or lend your hand in help …

TYBALT: But what a warrior we have before us! So you have your sword out and flapping violently but you’re not fighting? A lot of thrusting and banging but for nothing… I have seen sheep threatening more menace! I detest all Montagues as vile godless creatures , but you… especially you, what a coward of magnificent malevolent proportions ! Come on then!

(They fight)

(Enter, Lady Montague, Lord and Lady Capulet, Princess and the nurses.)

LORD CAPULET : Question! How did you not share the knowledge that these accursed fools had entered amongst us … Montagues! I spit on their house! (pretends to spit) I spit on their souls (pretends to spit) and I spit on their donkeys (pretends to spit) and I spit on them to their last vestiges (pretends to spit again)… Let me at them!! Let me spit again

LADY CAPULET Me think the gentleman doth spit too much… Calm down my dear husband.. You promised fortitude and a visit to B.H.S. at Meadowhall before the capitalist wretches doth close its doors for one last time.

Lord CAPULET : Get out of the way. For I am done with shopping and a man must do what a

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man gotta do… and that my wife is not hanging with those with mammoth posteriors at Meadowhall as they stuff copious amounts of Nandos to extend their already vast posteriors…

But look… There is Lady Montague and her friend Lady Manchester! My gosh how ugly they seem.. Why even that lady on the first row has more going for her… (turns to woman in audience)… Why madam were you to be cast as one of the witches from Macbeth before the director cast you asunder for being like way. Too. Scary..

(turns back) But enough of thy strange form.. I must focus… They are armed with swords! They may be women but if they bring a quarrel they will surely die too!

LADY MONTAGUE That villain Capulet! Don’t hold me back as I go chop suey on him and all his parts until he does verily resemble a deformed sausage roll from Greggs..

Lady meadowhall: And me too my cousin.. I know I have the body of a weak, feeble woman; but I have the heart and stomach of a vicious ninja princess. I myself will take up arms, I myself will be your general, judge, and executer in the field.

LADY MONTAGUE So my Capulets get ready to meet your evil maker because we is going to like… verily.. take… you out…

Lady meadowhall: Golly you are ugly with your badly assigned mother features!

BENVOLIO : Not a chance! Don’t get involved! Ladies… Your beauty is not worth scarring in front of these wretched beasts. We will take this fight to them and uttely mash them up!Enter Princess with Attendants

Jamanah:Stop! Rebellious subjects, enemies to peace,Profaners of this neighbour-stained steel,--Will they not hear? You men, you beasts,That quench the fire of your pernicious rage

TATIANA: On pain of torture, from those bloody handsThrow your mis tempered weapons to the ground,And hear the sentence of your moved princess.

Sarah: And made Verona's ancient citizensCast by their grave beseeming ornaments,To wield old partisans, in hands as old,Canker'd with peace, to part your canker'd hate:This tired argument has got to stop.

Aine: There will be no more fighting, there will be no squabbles On pain of death or worse than that a visit to Mr Scott’s palatial office!Where only the wretches, the desperate and the Co-ordinator reside.

Tatiana: I mean it! I will show no mercy to the next personSarah: Now depart from this place, all of you!

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Open all the doors and let you out into the world… You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here.

(Exit all but LADY MONTAGUE, and BENVOLIO)

LADY MONTAGUE : Nephew, what went on here?

Lady meadowhall: Who started the old quarrel again ?

BENVOLIO A couple of the young servants were having a scrap,But then fiery Tybalt arrived and made it all ten times worse! He entered the fray to urge on the fighting!Like a Millwall fan who had consumed too many smarties He was a frenzied fool bent on revenge

Lady montague: But where is Romeo amongst all this scrapping? Did he not partake or is off elsewhere besotted with his latest future princess of the moment…

Lady Manchester: Hmm.. Benvolio… Have you seen him today? His mood is so sad and secretive but I think it is best he was not involved in your scrap.

Hannah Montague: He is a lover and not a fighter and so best away from these things.

BENVOLIO: Tis true that I saw him earlier but he looked more depressed than Morrissey sentenced to spend eternity with Mr Crabtree armed with a red pen… Besides my friends he upped and legged it when he saw me coming. I fear a depression of the most moodiness.. I fear angst that no human can resolve…

LADY MONTAGUE It is so sad for when love hits it casts the most hideoulsly cruel spells…

Lady Manchester Harriet: A fair point and so well illustrated by our audience here…

Lady meadowhall: Why some of them have been subjected to a journey in love but end up here thinking they – instead – have been through life as in a joint journey of Barnsleys bleakest parts..

BENVOLIO: Go now my friends and I will sort out his troubles.. Or at least make a brave attempt.

(They go/ Enter ROMEO)

Romeo: Ohhhhh! Ohhhhh! Ohhhhh! Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. !

BENVOLIO: Cousin Romeo! You seem troubled.. I will regret saying this but tell me ,tell me!

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ROMEOI was happy in the haze of a drunken hour, but heaven knows I’m miserable now!

BENVOLIO So are you in love with drink or a human? Or Both? I know sometimes.. for some these things come in pairs…

ROMEO Ohhhh! Ohhhhh! I just don’t know why the good Lord does not make me happy. Two lovers entwined pass me by.. And heaven knows I’m miserable now.

BENVOLIO So lets cut to the chase sir… She just doesn’t fancy you.. Your latest thing… But there are other fish creatures out in the sea of love… Just look around you in the audience (pauses then pulls a face)… Eucchhh actually don’t look at the maidens there for I would wager - they have been hit by the ugly stick more times than is truly possible.

ROMEONot for me. I am done with love… I shall join a nunnery and spend my time weaving baskets with over-priced wool from Nether Edge and filling in books about mindfulness with colouring felt tips from Tescos… I shall listen to sad songs by Celine Dion sung in sad notes and a rather hysterical whine… Benvolio,she was the one.

BENVOLIO But there were three others last week… Sir, either you are weak with mastery and maths because you always love more than one.

ROMEO: Not for me because sir she was the one… She had the beauty of than Lucy Varesney and the wit and warmth of a warm witty thing… I am in love with she who loves me not…

BENVOLIOOh dear.. How sad.. Never mind… She doesn’t fancy you now get over yourself… Go and seek out other maids. At Capulet’s tonight there is a ball where the beauties of Verona will be on show

ROMEO: But none fairer than my Rosaline, I swear… Her brown eyes shimmered like industrial sewage passing through the heart of Doncaster canal… And yet I told her of these things and she was little impressed…

BENVOLIOYou sir need to work on your lines.. But fear not we shall practice tonight.. By giving liberty unto thine eyes; Examine other beauties.

Mercutio enters

Mercutio

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Woof! Well hello my friends Mercutio’s my name and hooking up with the ladies is my game… So take away those sad and puzzled faces and let us begone to the party… I have lines a plenty with which the princesses will be bashful, then blushing and then simply bartering to be with us… So put on your coats boys ‘cos you’ve pulled… Well at least you will do in a couple of hours.

ROMEO: I think I should resist temptation and stay in, Pluck sadness from my heart while listening to Radiohead or some such.

Mercutio Nay, gentle Romeo, we must have you dance.. Put on your masks, let’s not delay, the night draws on, and gentlemen, we Must away.

(ROMEO exits. BENVOLIO follows shaking his head.)

ACT 1 SCENE 2

(Enter LORD CAPULET, Rome and PARIS)

PARIS : Lord Capulet.. ‘Ello Ello! your Lord. I was wondering if you had thoughts about anyone… and that anyone being me wanting to marry your daughter?

ROME: Basta! Mamma mia! Can you not see Lord Capulet I would parade around the coliseum in my Clavin of Klien’s clutched to my parts by a lioness just to be close to your daughter… I would sing aria’s of joy as we Puccini the night away…

PARIS : Do not listen to this fool… Can you not see that he is a shadowy scandalous sinuous nincompoop and he has nothing but evil desire and a clapped out Fiat 500 to offer as a bribe?

ROME: Porca vacca! Maradonna! Shtta your mouth! Sir this little French man is good for running away in straight lines under shady trees and shrugging his shoulders but as a husband? I forbid it! She needs a lovely Latin fellow …. We are so faithful and trustworthy, My Uncle Silvia, my Aunty Berlusconi, they will write to say so in a Bunga bunga testament! I forbid you from listening to this fellow!

LORD CAPULET : Gentlemen, gentleman… My daughter is still young and full of virtue. Let’s try and keep her that way… I’m not sure she is ready to be rushed to the alter, before at least to have the pleasure of meeting you..Listen fellows, I’m having a fancy dress party tonight,why don’t you come?You can spend some time with Juliet, and see how you get on?

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ROME: Bellisimo! Ciao.. I will dressa to impressa! Dolche and Gabbana for me and Coco Channel for Coco the Clown over there.

(PARIS nods and they walk off. Enter BENVOLIO and ROMEO)

BENVOLIO: So the party is on! And I have a cunninig plan so cunning it must surely been dreamt up Freddie and Foxy Foxton just before they fortutuiosly dropped furniture and formed a fabulous future house family…

Romeo: So tell me.. What is this cunning plan?

BENVOLIO: We’ll wear clothes….

Romeo: (sarcastically) Oh really and I was just going to turn up in a ruff and sonnet?

BENVOLIO: No my friend.. We will be dressed… In disguise with a mask… I wager there will be loads of gorgeously ravishing girls who faint in ecstasy at my deft and silky dance moves on the disco dancing floor

ROMEO: Benvolio… You are an idiot, the magnitude of which woman kind has fortunately not discovered. But okay I will go along with your cunning plan, despite it being instrisically doomed to end in consummate disaster..

(ROMEO AND BENVOLIO exit)

ACT 1 SCENE 3

(Enter LADY CAPULET and Nurses)

LADY CAPULET: Nurses, where's my daughter?

Nurse 1 : Well! I did call her!

Nurse 2 : Well I say that could be the entire problem…

Nurse 3 : Yes indeedy.. That could be the problem… I’ve been called a lot of things in my life and I might tell you none of them were particularly nice…

Nurse 4 : But on reflection a lot of them were pretty accurate…

Nurse 3 : Why how dare you… At least I don’t resemble the back end of a Grimsby PowerStation and let out a quite similar smell at indiscreet times…

Nurse 1 : Please! Remember we are ladies… Please - pay us the heed and respect we need..

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Nurse 2 : And show a bit of decorum…

Nurse 3: And remember we are ladies. And because I am a lady, I like to do ladies things, like attend the operettas and les ballets

Nurse 4: I am a lady because I press flowers and stroke kittens and swim in rivers … wearing dresses and hats.

Nurse 1 : But now we must call Juliette in a lady like way

(all yell.. Oi.. Juliet get tha’ sen over here cos tha mum wants thee dawn nahhhh!)

(Enter JULIET)

JULIET Such poetic voices serenade … Like angels calling from far away… Pray angels who wants me ?!

Nurse 2 Your mother

JULIET Well, Madam mama, I am here, What is your will

LADY CAPULET : Well…how old are you Juliet?

Nurse 2 Ooooh! She is sixteen! I can tell you how old she is to the hour!!

Nurse 3 But to think she has grown to this vision before us from a pug like baby…

Nurse 4 Ooooh! Tis true she had more wrinkles than The Rolling Stones mixing it with the House of Lords.

LADY CAPULET: Oh will you please be quiet!!

Nurse 1 Ooooh and those smells… Before she could go Juliet go ploppy their were smells unleashed like weapons of mass destruction…

Nurse 2 And then there was the curious incident of young Juliet got her head stuck in a donkey’s …

JULIET: Oh nurse! Please be quiet!!

Nurse 3Alright, alright! But don’t you want to know… The donkey didn’t feel to good about it… Oh… Perhaps we had better be quiet..

LADY CAPULET : Tell me Juliet, What does thou feel about getting married?

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JULIET : I was told that a man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then soon after he's finished.

LADY CAPULET Well, think now. There are other young girls your age happily married, And there are these ripe young nobleman, Paris and Rome clamouring for your hand. (passes photpographs)

Nurse 1: PHWOOAH!!

Nurse 2: PHWOOAH!! They can have my hand!

Nurse 3: They can my hand and are welcome to other aspects of my physical state.. but only the virtuous bits! For we are ladies after all…

Nurse 3: You may speak for yourself.. As long as these beauticious hunks of man hood are involved my virtue is at danger as sinking like that of Mrs Clack on a weekend of debauchery in Skegness.

Nurse 4: Well ding dong! Hello sweet sirs… I’ve never been to Rome or Paris but if your’re interested I’ve got a caravan in Wolverhampton…

LADY CAPULET Katie This night at our feast you can look on these gentle species of perfection and gaze upon them as future partners?

JULIET: Well, I may look now but will hold out until this eve until I make judgement…

LADY CAPULET Katie Do as you see fit but your Your father and I think this would be a good marriage. So make sure you try your best to like him?

What sweet sound yonder calls us? I said what yonder sound calls us? (eventual ding dong noise)

Ooh that’s must be the door bell, Nurses depart from this place and make it beauticious with Prosecco aplenty – and at £6.50 on offer from Sainsbury’s is a total bargain for any princesses Nurse three pics up photographs…

Nurse three: You’re coming with me hot stuff!

(Exit LADY CAPULET, JULIET and NURSE)

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ACT 1 SCENE 4

(Enter ROMEO, MERCUTIO and BENVOLIO)

MERCUTIO Dear sirs, I am going to fight for my right for a party! Hey there Romeo! Is thou gonna join me in some of the disco dancing? See if we can’t get you moving and a grooving to the latest beat combos? Mrs Connolly and Miss Kidd have been learning their children about a sensational four piece called the Beatles… They are like so cutting edge.

ROMEO Not for me my friend, I am more depressed and abandoned than a healthy vegetable in Hillsborough Morrisons store… I shall sit and watch… And perhaps occasionally pout

MERCUTIO Oh come off it! Cheer up and BOOGIE!!

(MERCUTIO dances around.)

ROMEO My friend this Capulet party is perhaps not such a good idea. I have a bad feeling about this.

BENVOLIO: (arrives in outrageous disco gear) Pardon me for my late entrance but I was waiting for the right moment to totally rock this look on the ladies… It’s a mash up of Mr Crabtree’s shoes, Mr Brelsford’s eighties shell suits and the latest Mr Scott range at Aldi… I call it derelict.. Worship my friends at the feet of my immaculate fashion piece…

MERCUTIO Never have seen such an offensive thing sir! Would not even David Blunkett be offended by such a vision of hell..

Music plays. Vogue by Madonna. Juliet dances

ROMEO: Stop the press. What vision is that who glides across the room… Like an immaculate jewel that radiates in my sight? Did my heart love til now? For now I know my heart was dead until I saw such beauty! I must tell her she is destined to be with me forever…

BENVOLIO: Oh gosh.. Here we go… two minutes ago he was off to join a hippy colony of depressives in Nether Edge and now this…

TYBALT Wait! I know that voice … That sounds like a Montague! Now by the stock and honour of my kin, to strike him dead I hold is not a sin LORD CAPULET Young Romeo is it?

TYBALT

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Uncle, this is a Montague, our sworn enemy! Let me strike down the wretch with extreme prejudice…

LORD CAPULET No let him be. I would not for the wealth of all this town… Here in my house do him a grievous harm

TYBALT I will bide my time… But as the Lord be my judge when we meet again I will not show such fortitude

(Exit TYBALT)

ROMEO Forgive the roughness of my hand on yours.. But my lips are here to smooth it with a kiss

BENVOLIO: Oh ‘ello .. Here we go… Brian Ferry is about to hit her with one of his discarded love clichés he found on the floor of Card Factory… Good people in the audience. A bucket I pray for I feel ill and may be mighty sick from such icky puppy dog speak.

JULIET Noble sir there is nothing to forgive! Should we not dance together then perhaps a kiss..

NURSE 1 JULIET! Well if she ain’t getting friskey with the whiskey she’s trying on with young Romeo

NURSE 2 Oi darling! Put him down…

NURSE 3 Tush and nonsense with all this preening.. Like she says.. Put him down.. You don’t know where he’s been…

NURSE 4 We are ladies and Ladies are never so brazen to ask for a kiss because kissing leads to more kissing and more kissing leads to marriage and marriage leads to misery. Now speak to your mother urgently before you get all in a bundle of trouble

(JULIET leaves)

ROMEO: and who is her mother?

NURSE 1: Her mother is the lady of the house,NURSE 2: And a good lady, and a wise and virtuous lady...NURSE 3: Well, well! Her mother is Lady Capulet.

ROMEO: She is a Capulet? Oh be cursed then as our foes…

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BENVOLIO: Let us get the fadoodle out of here.

LADY Cordination phoebe: My my doth thou depart already.. Still I suppose it is quite lateWell off then to bed!

(Exeunt all but JULIET and Nurse)

JULIET: Come nurses and come quick! Who was that beautiful and beguiling creature!

NURSE 4: We know nothing! JULIET: Go then and ask his name…

NURSE 2: His name is Romeo, and a Montague; The only son of your most revered enemy.

JULIET: My only love sprung from my only hate! And love it is to me,That I must love a loathed enemy.

NURSE 2: What! Oh say you havn’t for the pretty boy. .

JULIET : Oh forget I spoke. Promise to say nothing of this… A rhyme I learn'd even now Of one I danced he is now my beloved.. But now to bed....

ACT 2 SCENE 1

The Moon 1 Jack C:

Hello there… I am de moon and now for you I will speak With tender Juliet match'd, is now not fair.Now Romeo is beloved and loves again,Alike betwitched by the charm of looks,

The Moon 2 Thomas :

But to his foe supposed he must complain,And she steal love's sweet bait from fearful hooks:Being held a foe, he may not have access

Daniel de moon: And for you of those that are quite thick.This ain’t no limerickBut be sure although it seems to go quite well…I am sure it won’t end up quite so swell

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(Enter ROMEO)

ROMEO : What sweet pain… How can I go home without seeing her again? I have never set eyes on such radiant beauty Why I would dare to say she is even hotter that Mr Scott after a vindaloo chicken jalfrezi in his Tesco waistcoat…

(JULIET appears above at a window)

ROMEOOh! Look! There is Juliet! She is more radiant than the sun.She is a golden reflection in the mirrorShe is yet more right than the Daily Mail Even more righteous than the Guardian And her figure is more splendid than anything in The Financial Times

Her eyes are like magnificent stars.Should I speak to her?Dare I!

JULIET: Oh dear.

ROMEO: Two words.. But at least she does speak O, speak again, bright angel!

JULIET : O Romeo, Romeo! Why doth thou you have to be a Montague?Depart your family and unburden thee from your name,But ‘tis only your name that is my enemyIf your name was Crabtree or MarshallYet hideous creatures these are. Thou would’t still be that same wonderful, handsome RomeoSo please, change your name and be mine forever.

ROMEO : I so believe what you say is true, Just let me be your love And my treacherous name will vanish into the night…

JULIET I have only heard you speak few words before. But I know your voice! Oh Romeo! How did you get in here? For if my family find you will be certainly dead.

ROMEO: I climbed the walls, but Nothing could keep me away from you!

ROMEO: Juliet, I swear my love

JULIET: My head is spinning! But I must go. When we see each other again we will know if this is real. Good night sweet knight!I hear some noise within; dear love!

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NURSE 1: Juliet!!

NURSE 2 (SH): Oh. My .Word.. As a lady I feel quite faint!

NURSE (SH) 2: Oh I say.. Is she is putting it about with that young Romeo?

NURSE 3: Oh I say.. I hope she hasn’t kissed him yet for they are not even married…

NURSE 4: Unmarried and kissing! Oh the scandal… I wager the ladies of our fair audience of Millhouses have never done such…

NURSE 1: Except her!

NURSE 2 (SH): Ohhh and definitely her!

NURSE 3: Oh and that row over there… They all look a bit down at heal and live a few rows down the 97 bus if you know what I mean…

Nurses go off looking disapproving

JULIET: Romeo Wait.. I am back!

ROMEO: Is this a dream? Can this perfection be true!

JULIET: Romeo, if you mean what you say… marry me tomorrow. I will send a messenger at 10 pm to gather your answer. Until then parting is such sweet sorrow.

She goes.

ROMEO: But ten o clock feels like twenty years until then. And yet I go half delirious…

ROMEO: I must seek Friar Laurence , burden him with this and seek his blessing to marry!

ACT 2 SCENE 3 break end of first half

Joseph: Welcome ladies and gentlemen type things! Hot news in Verona as there has been developments… yes .. Turn left look serious… These developments are bigger news then Jeremy Corbyn and Teresa May getting on that special loving feeling .. raise eye brow… These develpments include a transformation of tremendous property…

(Enter FRIAR LAURENCE)

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FRIAR LAURENCE : (yawn) My Gosh it is sooooo early! Only the beastly, the undead and those from Nether Edge roam the streets at this time… Where is Dylan the Deacon with my morning constitutional? If he does not hurry I will go all Old Testament and mash up his holy orders.

Dylan the Deacon : Oh by the blessings of St Trinian’s what doth the old man want now. Why does he wail and whine like a whiny whale thing! Yes my good sir! I am gladdened that our good Lord doth bless you and bring you into the universe for another day. Oh whoop..

FRIAR LAURENCE : (yawn) Come and attend me… For you must not dilly and dally or I will send you to Sister Phillis Perpetual for a lashing of tongues and other less holy parts…

Dylan the Deacon : Oh please not that! But wait I hear a knocking at our door! (nothing) I said I hear a knocking at our door! (knocking).. Why ‘tis young Romeo, that gallant and chaste young man..

(Enter ROMEO)

ROMEO: Good morning, father. Forgive me for I have sinned… And to be honest good sir I am quite enjoying it.

Friar Dylan: And thus speaks many here too… (gestures to audience) For I would wager they have been up to similar shenanigans… I saw a couple earlier oohhh missus…

ROMEO: I have not been to bed Father.

Dylan the deacon: Oh for the love of the Lord, the archangels and the holy person of Grimethorpe…

FRIAR LAURENCE: Where hast thou been yet… Tell me you have not wondererd over to that gutter of desperate doom at Dobcroft… Thou must be tainted like the plop of one thousand pigeons.

ROMEO Not so sir: I have been at the Capulet’s house, and met an angel…

Dylan the Deacon: Ohhhh… I fear young Romeo is so off on one. He doth fall in love more than the ladies having chanced upon Mr Scott doing Rod Stewart karaoke for one remarkable night at Barnsley ladies working mens club!

FRIAR LAURENCE : Who are you in love with now? I might suggest it is not the same girl as last week, The one with the eyes that did verily point in many directions except your – the one that wasn’t interested...

ROMEO No, not her, she is an ugly crow...Compared to the one I love now.Her name is Juliet, and I am kind We want you to marry us today.

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FRIAR LAURENCE: Holy Saint Wilfrid of the Holy overachiever! Holy All Saints and holy holy holy jumpers and all mercy to St Sammy Sanctious of all holy socks.

Dylan the Deacon: You only just met! You are a serial lover of perpetuality of some other girl or other for every week..

ROMEO : Don’t say that... Well ‘tis true I may fancy every brunette of slender disposition in the 20 to thirtyish category but now I am settled... Juliet loves me and I love her! So will you marry us? FRIAR LAURENCE: Well, I think it is very quick,

Dylan the Deacon: Quick! Why I fear my Lord it is quicker than Halle Berry exiting the building when sitting opposite Mr Conway at a speed dating competition.

FRIAR LAURENCE: But if you two get married it might halt the vile evil spreading amongst your families. We will help you. Let’s go.

(Exit)

ACT 2 SCENE 4

(Enter BENVOLIO and MERCUTIO)

MERCUTIO Wherefore thou art Romeo? (Did you like it.. I’ve been practicing ) Did he come home last night?

BENVOLIO He did not. And there is more. That vile snake Tybalt has sent challenge to Romeo to fight

MERCUTIO: But will our lazy Lover fight or perhaps forget to turn up?

BENVOLIO: He will reign supreme but only If he can seize dreamingover this mystery girl...

(Enter ROMEO)

MERCUTIO: Where hast thou been? Benvolio and I have scoured the heartlands of Verona.. And yet nothing..

ROMEO: Morning boys! Ain’t life just a thing of dandyness.

MERCUTIO: Since when did thou become a hippy!

Benvolio: Me thinks this latest mystery girl has softened his mind beyond repair.

MERCUTIO: Have you not heard Tybalt wants to cut you in half...

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ROMEO: Not before I cut that lowest common denominator into more segments than he can count...

MERCUTIO: Let us go off and practice our manly fighting and putting our chest out and er... stuff

Macho posing and preening

ROMEO: Indeed I shall practice my manly verses now... I’ve wrestled with alligators,I’ve tussled with a whale.I done handcuffed lightningAnd throw thunder in jail.You know I’m bad.just last week, I murdered a rock,Injured a stone, Hospitalized a brick.I’m so mean, I make medicine sick

BENVOLIO: Come Mercutio, now that we have practiced our manly preening let us go before the Capulets engulf us...

MERCUTIO: Bring on them as I fear nothing... Let the onion see the bhaji let the rubber see the duck. Let the chimney see the sweep. Let the hanky see the panky.

BENVOLIO: Oh Great, the hanky has seen the panky. The Capulet’s are here.

(Enter TYBALT and others)

TYBALT: Alright lads? I want a word with you. MERCUTIO: Just a word? Has the lady not the strength to make it a word and a punch? TYBALT: I will gladly rip you princesses to the heavens if you push me...

MERCUTIO: OOOOOHH! SCARY!!

(He pushes Tybalt)

BENVOLIO: Cease now! The Princess will kill anyone fighting in the streets!

TYBALT: I want Romeo , not you. But heaven strike me down if you push me... Romeo, you are a villain.

ROMEO: Your thoughts of villainy are misguided and I would love to wipe that smile.. But today I will turn the cheek and I suggest we part as best of enemies... But at peace for now… So goodbye.

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MERCUTIO: What is this !? Are you going to let him get away with that? Tybalt, I will fight you!

TYBALT: What? Speak again fool and it will be your last!

MERCUTIO: So misguided Capulet let’s do it... Let’s get it on in the fighting department...

Song / dance Sing/ Two tribes/ Frankie Goes to Hollywood:

(TYBALT under ROMEO's arm stabs MERCUTIO, and runs off with his followers)

MERCUTIO: I fear I am wounded mortally, fetch a doctor!

ROMEO: Oh dear friend say this is not true! Say this wretched blood before me will flow no more and your former self renews to its utter best.

MERCUTIO: Oh no it’s just a scratch but it is enough. I am done for.Why? Why? Did you not hold me back from the madness of these squabbles? A curse on both your houses!

Esther: Greetings we are a pair of hardworking junior doctors who have just happened to have been passing having returned hence from out 245 hour shifts...

Áine P: Usually at this point I would say tell me everything you have told the nurse five minutes ago but I fear there is no time for that...

Scarlett K: (examines Mercutio) The patient here tearful and crying constantly… (pauses) She also appears to be depressed… Do you think she has been listening to Mr Marshall bangin’ on about politics?

Esther: I fear at this time we should call for backup...

Áine P: Indeed Doctor Evans, what an excellent prognosis. I shall use my 1956 state of the art NHS phone to call for assistance...

Scarlett K: What a jolly good idea… Golly you are so mind lovingly clever and glamorous…

Esther: I will spend my time furrowing my brow, making goo goo eyes at the nurses and secretly wishing I was a dentist for they do not have to suffer the ravishes of the one that is Jeremy of Hunt.

Áine P: Send me an ambulance to 346 Providence in Verona central... Oh and could you prep me a latte decaf extra skinny, and a couple of skinny nurses to seek my assistance, and boost my ego upon arrival...

Esther: Gosh you are good...

Sacarlett K: And more dashing than a dashing thing in Doncaster …

Ambulance Driver: Yes sir! Reporting for poorly duty Sir! Wherefore art the sicki?

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Áine P: Have a good look around... over here… No red stuff… and standing... oh and this one too.

Esther: Oh but this one seems to be lying down and twitching... Perhaps then this is the clue…

Ambulance Driver: I’m so on it like a bonnet... I shall whisk you in my machine and storm with great haste and no time I shall waste...You may be travelling with the NHSAnd right now be feeling some distress But do not worry or have heavy heart Because from this sad place we now depart...

They go

ROMEO: This devastation is all my fault. I sought not to seek retribution but it has found us anyway...

BENVOLIO: O Romeo! Do not take sole blame for these events are a cursed reflection of this war that has come between us... But loo! Now comes the Princess with thy wretch Tybalt...

ROMEOTybalt! Brave Mercutio lies dead because of you, but his soul is waiting above our heads. And now I have brought the princess to show your devastating transgression... Why Princess what now for our young lover?

LORD CAPULET: Tybalt, my cousin! Princess, I demand revenge! PRINCESS: Benvolio, who began this fight?

LADY CAPULET: He is a Montague! You know they can’t be trusted.

LADY CAPULET: He is a Montague! Romeo killed Tybalt! He must die! A painful death for a hateful crime...

PRINCESS Jamanah: Romeo it was your malign presence that set this tragedy in place. For Romeo’s crime he will be exiled. Never again to set foot in Verona…

Princess: Aine H: And should this fighting persist a more savage penalty will follow.. Now to peace and away with you all...

PRINCESS Tatiana: But for Romeo I’m afraid it may well prove a sad last exit.

(Exit)

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Hank: Good evening. I’m Hank Williams reporting for QWID news. Stern look… Remain righteous but also slightly self important. Shocking events on the streets today as another brawl has disturbed the peace. Young and dashing Romeo Montague quick flick of hair and pout has been banished for the attempted murder of Tybalt. Another stern look at camera… Raise eyebrow slightly to left…

Donald: Good evening. I’m Donald Dodo... Verona on a knife edge. As rumours sweep by that Juliet from the House of Capulet is to be married to Paris or Rome within days. Preparations are under way. Now, back to Hank... Hank is that you.

Hank: Yes, Donald I’m standing next to you but thanks for noticing. Hot preparations are under way despite the interventions of traitors. Witnesses with Juliet earlier today commented on how she appeared to look absolutely distressed and not like the happy bride-to-be at all. Now over to our studio.

Donald: Good evening, thank you and now back to the studio. That was Hank Williams and Donald Dodo reporting another exclusive for QWID news.. We’ll be right back after this work from our sponsor Freddie’s Whopper Burgers... The Burgers cows were born to die for...

Joseph: I’m Dirk Disaster back here at Verona and when I’m not busy shuffling papers in a very self important way (shuffles papers) I’m going to be returning you to the heart of the action here as our hero faces the tragic news of his ill fated romance with Juliet… What pitfalls will befall him…? How will this statistically stack up... will Doctor Disaster take charge or will sweet sister sublimeness save the day.

BREAK

Scene 7

Juliet’s Bedroom

Juliet enters and lies down. Nannies are sits beside her.

Juliet: Oh what shock and awe this life is... What woe and depression. What dark nights where devious devestation dampens my desperate desire. My cousin Tybalt brings his bitter revenge and sweet Romeo has been swept away.

There is a knocking by the balcony. Nanny goes to investigate. She returns to Juliet.

Nurse 1 : Is that knocking I hear amongst disturbing our sweet meloncoly...

Nurse 3: Oi... She said is that knocking...

Nurse 4: Oi... Nahhhhh then... If tha don’t get knocking I is gonna knock tha out.

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(knocking)

Nurse 3: Oh... A gentle knock.. Anything louder would have sent us into a fainting state... Because that’s what ladies do… We must remember we are ladies after all.

Nurse 2 CL: (to Romeo) Well ding dong! ... hello sailor! I thought your had cast your anchor in more distant waters…

Nurse 2 CL: (to Juliet) There’s someone to see you. And he’s a right hotti…

Juliet: and now blighted by the desperate and the dim. Paris and Rome.. Nurse I don’t want to see anyone. And certainly not those jokers…

Romeo enters.

Romeo: I’m not a joker Juliet… Not anymore..

Juliet: Hey its Romeo, You nearly gave me a heart attack.

Romeo : You and me girl! How about it.

Juliet: Ha Ha! You shouldn’t come around here singing up at people like that.

Romeo: Truth be said the dice was loaded from the start, but then you exploded in my heart.. And I forget.. I forget all else.. All these places have their moments.. But there are no moments in life worth living without you…

Juliet: Romeo. Romeo Your sweet name alone resurrects me!

Romeo: I must leave. But know this… We will be together again. (He kisses her hand and exits).

Juliet: Oh Romeo (She sobs). You break my heart here and away..

He disappears

Nurse 1: Oh Juliet.. I have just had a cunning idea.

Nurse 2 CL: How cunning? Give it me in cunning terms…

Nurse 1: It is as cunning as Cunning Mc Cunning the famous Glasgow courtourist who invented the rotating kilt…

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Nurse 3: So hit us with thing of cunning…

Nurse 4: We beg the Friar to pardon Romeo and absolve him of this horrific banishment.

Lord and Lady Capulet and Lady Manchester enter, overhearing the end of Nurse’s line

Lord Capulet: Oh nursey, have you spread word to fair Juliet about the wedding already?

Juliet: Wedding, what wedding do you speak of?

Lady Capulet: Oh my dear girl. Prince Rome has asked your father for your hand in marriage.

Lady Manchester: Oh my dear girl. Sadly Prince Paris has been whisked off with his pal…

Lady Meadowhall: Mr Crabtree on a speed dating tour of Europe. So he’s no long elibable…

Lady Capulet: Which leaves the running free…

Rome walks on from other side

Rome: Heil-a Mussolini! Heil a Julietta.. So I was a thinking and a plotting.. And then a thoughta that I finda attractive… I loooveee sweet Julietta. I love her tiny handies and her tiny heart.. I lova her lungs and very many major internal organs… But mosta all I love your wonga so why let ‘er marry me and I’ll get you 10 percenter off dinners at the as longa as you don’t visita The Dissapointing Dog opposite…

Lord Capulet: And of course I said yes.

Lady Capulet: We thought the news might cheer you up.

Lady Manchester Harriet: I guess there jus’ ain’t pleasing some people.. Are there sistas’ and bros in the hood… Listen when you live in the ghettho of Millhouses

Lady Meadowhall: like the brothers and sisatas you don’t get to choose.. You jus’ got to get your hussle on and make bad plans …

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Lady Manchester Harriet: You ain’t keeping it real.. Like we are so outa’ here! And when we get back you better make sure your little ‘touche is firmly running to the alter… mmm er…!

Juliet just sobs against Nanny’s shoulder. Lord and Lady C look at each other confused then exit.

Juliet: Oh what will I do sweet nurse? I can’t marry Rome. I’m already married in my heart to Romeo.

Nurse 2 : Go and seek the Friar, he may be our last vestige of help.

Moon Connor: I am de Moon… I pop out from time to time to clarify things for the simple people..

Moon Jack C: I am also de Moon… There seems to an awful lot of simple people hear this evening..

Moon Tom: Look at that one there.. She is so ugly, Hello Kitty said goodbye to you. Now let us tell the audience what to watch for… Apart from the nearest exits…

Moon Daniel: Hello pushy mum who has run to the front trampling all that dare cross you.. I would ask how old you are, but I know you can't count that high. Let us now tell you where we are. Juliet is destined to see the Friar and together hatched a cunning plan.

During the above Nanny and Juliet exit.

Scene 8The Friar’s Lodgings

Friar enters. Juliet re-enters.

Deacon Dylan: Friar Sean! Friar Sean! I urge you to put down your xbox one and place call of duty on pause! For there is a beautiful girl at the door and she is crying…

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Friar Sean: A beautiful girl crying at the door. Rush to her aid and send her in lest Bishop Buffon sees her and we are all destined to spend our final mortal days preaching to the lost souls of Dobcroft…

Deacon Dylan: (shouts) Friar Sean will see thou now

Do not dilly or thou dally

Or we will both be in Death Valley

Tell him your problem – and speak of it quick

Tell him of thou quandary – and thou doth not feel sick

For Friar Sean is the reverend if you need the man

To interpret an outcome in six stages

To come to a solution that really completely amazes

He will fortell you of a solution and make greener of the grass

So you came to seek and enter – just rest upon your sweet… posterior.

Juliet: But how might I rest with the news that Prince Rome is to lock me into infinite servitude… I despise him and his Fiat Punto!

Friar Sean: Be calm and take this potion, it will cast you into a unbreakable sleep for 42 hours. Your family will see you as dead. One of the departed.

Juliet: But what about sweet Romeo?

Friar Sean: I will send a message to him telling him about our plan. Now go.. leave the rest to the Friar that all the ladies do aspire… Deacon Dylan a word in your ear if you might…

Deacon Dylan: What ails thee sire?

Friar Sean: We need something to knock her out… Take one of Mr Conway’s shoes, mix it up with a packet of prawn crisps and

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the dregs of a bubonic turnip from Bolsover and let it simmer.. We’ll have her out no worries. Oh and fetch me my quill… I feel a letter coming on to young Romeo…

Friar exits to write a letter to Romeo.

Scene 9Juliet’s Bedroom

Romeo: A potion to depart What's here? a cup, closed for my taking.. I will return to my love's hand.. To help me after? I will kiss thy drink but awake again to see my love..

Juliet lays down, takes a sip of potion and lies back. A cockerel crows to show it is morning and Nanny hurries in.

Nurse One : Oh fair Lady, wakey wakey.

Nurse Two : She moves not…. This must be some deep sleep…

Nurse three : Come on bride. Lady! Lady? (She begins to think that Juliet is dead.) Help! My lady’s dead! Help.

Nurse four: But what is this dark sleep from which she does not shift!

Nurse One: Sweet child of mine… My child, my only life,Revive, look up, or I will die with thee!Help, help! Call help.

Lord and Lady C rush in and kneel by the bed.

Lady Capulet : There is no wedding.. This is but a funeral instead.

Scene 10The Church

The Capulets walk past and place flowers beside Juliet. Nurses present

Music to

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Narrator from side who is Osheni: While Juliet there still lay, the Friar’s letter went astray.

Luke: And pity poor Romeo who had been led astray

Narrator from the side who is phoebe: So that Romeo was assured she’d died the previous day.

Lord Capulet: Ha! let me see her: out, alas! she's cold:Her blood is settled, and her joints are stiff;Life and these lips have long been separated:Death lies on her like an untimely frostUpon the sweetest flower of all the field.

(Romeo enters tomb seeing Juliet ‘dead’’ with poison by her side)

Romeo: My Juliet is dead and Well, Juliet, I will lie with thee to-night.Let's see for means: O mischief, thou art swiftTo enter in the thoughts of desperate men!And what is thing I see before me In tattered bottle , she left without me,

And now the drink I do consume

What bitter blow it doth bring to me

To take me away from all eternity.

And so my sweet here I shall pass too..

Friar Enters with Deacon Dylan

Friar Sean: Romeo, Romeo did you not read my letter? Romeo? Romeo? Did thou not open thy e-mail… Or did you attend to wipe it from its existence and live in the ignorant bliss of Hilary Clinton.. Wake them and do it now…

Dylan da Deacon: (Shakes them) But good Friar they do not stir! It has gone 42 hours and yet she lies… still as night.. I fear a fear and loathing that the potion is too strong…

Friar Sean: Say it is not so… Say I did not turn up the volume too much with that vile mixture.. Oh please say it is not so… Say they are not dead…

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Dylan da Deacon: I am so sorry Friar but I fear they are dead.

Friar Sean:

What savagery is this! Say it is not so…

Esther: Well… Greetings we are a pair of hardworking junior doctors who have just happened to have been passing having returned hence from out 245 hour shifts...

Áine P: Usually at this point I would ask you to take a copy of Tory Farmer’s weekly while you wait outside to the insipid sounds of Adele but there’s no time for that!

Friar Sean: But I fear they are mortal no more...

Esther: Don’t be so certain my holy friends… It’s not over until fat lady sings

Áine P: And since we have no time for Adele we will have to do this ourselves… Good Doctor put them in the Doctor’s recovery position

Esther: But as Junior Doctor’s the recovery position is usually in The Forum showing hotties my stetascope with a couple of Peronis. I fear this would not be appropriate for this pair…

Scarlett H: It is highly irregular... Highly irregular… More irregular than the internal organs of Samantha Cameron at the thought of a date with Mr Crabtree.

Áine P: Negative my friend.. I was referring to the medical recovery position…

Esther: Indeed that was a young doctors joke… and now I will proceed

Áine P: One hundred, two hundred, three hundred, Strike! Strike! A curse on you Jeremy of Hunt now arise young youth of Verona

Juliet: Oh Romeo!

Romeo: Oh Juliet!

Esther: Oh Lord it would seem these two are better except they are so deeply in love only a wedding can break their desire…

Áine P: Yes I prescribe a marriage… It is usually the best way of calming desire.. and so here our work is done.. Let us depart this place… Friar take me to the nunnery for I hear that Sister Woodhead has been entrapped in a depraved hut and only has her rosary beads to protect her from the wild beasts that roam..

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Scarlett H: Yes let us away from this place. Let us verily scurry and mince around with our doctors coats a flappin’ and heaving… A brushing and a rushing.. a moving and a grooving.. Like the natural NHS funky hipsters we are.

Juliet: Oh Romeo. I can’t live without you.

Romeo: Oh ditto! Now let us talk with Friar Sean and get it on in with the marriage vows…

Lord Montague: See what our silly feud has done.

Lord Capulet: We must forget our arguments. These grievances are dead. I will raise a Golden statue to your son.

Lord M: And I will raise a golden statue to honour Juliet.

Lady Meadowhall: And I will raise a conceptualist piece of Modern art fashioned from Pug hair and place it in Nether Edge Sainsbury’s car Park! “Look..

Lady Manchester : What splendour!” the hippies and Mr McGregor of Nether Edge will say as they dance round it in a frenzy - feeding it vegan sacrifices.

They shake hands. Lady C and Lady M embrace

Tragedy by Bee Gees/ Song Dance

Tom Moon: I am de Moon… And On behalf of us we’d like to sayIt’s been quite a pleasure that you did visit today

Daniel Moon: But now our time here at the Montgomery is at an endSo upon your faith and love we do depend So as we set off unto the night

Jack Moon: Put together your hands and show delight A glooming peace this morning with it brings;The sun, for sorrow, will now show his head:Go hence, to have more talk of these sad things instead;

Connor Moon: Some shall be pardon'd, and some punished:For never was a story with more flowThan this of Juliet and her Romeo.

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