resistance to advice with family business clients

The “Yes, but” Syndrome:

Presented by:

Dr. Wm. (Chip) Valutis

Resistance to Advice:The Psychology behind why

Business-Owners may (or may not) follow your council.

Real Life LearningBefore we begin, take a minute to apply

this to your client base:1. Think of a business owner who

you’ve had difficulty moving to action

2. Pick three things you believe contributed to the resistance

3. What have you done to break through this resistance?

Revisit these answers after the presentation.

Owners of Closely-Held Businesses are Different. Why?

1. They live in multiple systems (family & business). As such:

2. they juggle different agendas & visions3. There is not one common problem-

solving criteria to use.4. Secrecy, doubt and skepticism is

common.5. Things aren’t always what they appear

to be

Understanding a Systemic Perspective

Everything is connected Each system has a set of roles,

responsibilities, expectations, rules, boundaries and history

Systems can be closed or open

Family Needs

Business Needs

Owner Needs

Can you Empathize?

How are you different? Similar? How is conflict handled (different/similar)? How are decisions made and problems solved

(different/similar)? How are accountability and consequences

delivered? What roles or boundaries are adhered to? What are the dynamics in each?If you are like most, the dynamics, behaviors and roles

are very different in your “work” life than they are in your “home” life. Imagine blending them together!

Think of yourself at work and at home...

Common Areas of Conflicting Agendas & Visions

Inter-generational differencesIntra-generational differencesNeeds versus wantsNeeds of the business versus

needs of the family

No Common Decision-Making Criteria

Because members have different goals in mind, the means by which they get there are often quite different

Tend to be more self-serving Not an agreeable style or approach Roles/authority are rarely equal

Historical Perspective

The Forever Young syndrome Long-term memories If it worked yesterday, it is a

proven technique Can’t predict the future, so play to

the past

Secrecy Never sure you have the whole story Can protect each other at the expense

of the business Closed systems do not allow outsiders “Magic bullets” and “pixie dust” —

expect to be fixed without risk or vulnerability

Things Are Rarely What They Appear To Be

Control/authority Compensation Ownership Hiring/promotion Retirement

What you see/hear is often not what is really occurring:

Issues of:

“Hidden” Resistance

Address the symptoms and not the problem

Keeps you busy but not productive Frequent changes in priorities or

agenda You’re working harder than they are

1. Failure to Identify the Real Issue


Advisors are quick to “solve” a problem with expert advice

Many needs (fear, security, self-worth, love) can’t be addressed in an estate plan

If we control the contingencies, then we think we can control the concerns (e.g., locks on your door)

We don’t have expertise in emotional problems, so we avoid them

2. Solving Emotional Problems with Logical Solutions


Trying to please different Masters Conflicts of interest When, where and to whom do you

report/communicate Lack of clear criteria for decision making “Don’t forget who’s paying your invoice!” “You’re Dad’s advisor, not mine!”

3. Failure to Identify “Who Is the Client?”


Having your hands tied Lots of talk but no communication All the wrong people are hearing

what is said Enabling

4. Triangles & Confidences


Owners will often fail to disclose all of the information you need to do your job

Unspeakables, undiscussables and skeletons in the closet

Potential for serious problems Warning sign is when you begin to feel

crazy

5. Unspoken Rules, Norms & Dynamics


We listen for “just enough” information We fail to hear what is not said We miss early warning signs (verbal &

nonverbal) We listen for data, not dynamics

6. Poor Listening


Danger of not meeting real needs Pleasing one while displeasing another Making sure client knows and accepts

their role in the process

7. Failure to Define & Clarify Expectations


Map out rules of engagement and acceptable vs. unacceptable behavior

Let client know what you can/can’t and will/won’t do

Set milestones for touch base and review progress

8. Failure to Define & Clarify Expectations

Keys to Success (Overview) Help to pick a common philosophy

from which to operate Clarify roles and boundaries with

the owner/family/business Deliver the Bad News (don’t join

the system)

Keys to Success (Overview)

Facilitate understanding instead of agreements

Challenge your clients Encourage multi-discipline

interaction

Actions Toward Success

How to balance the needs of the business with the needs of the owner?

What criteria should be used in decision making and problem solving?

Is there a common goal toward which they can work?

1. Help Pick a Common Philosophy

Actions toward Success

Identify the different roles Define expectations for each Keep appropriate roles in the

interactions; monitor Remember your roles and

boundaries as well

2. Clarify Roles & Boundaries


Candor builds respect Be a reality test - call it the

way you see it Talk about what no one else

will talk about Don’t be “yes men” advisors

3. Deliver Bad News (when needed)


Provide candid feedback Offer constructive criticism Don’t be overprotective of

your business Treat young and old equally

4. Challenge Them


Know your limits Build a network of trusted

advisors to help with clients Communicate with the other

professionals involved Ensure no one is working at cross

purposes

5. Encourage Multi-Discipline Interactions

resistance to advice with family business clients

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