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Slide 2 RELATIONSHIPS: Coercion & Manipulation Slide 3 WE'RE CAUGHT IN A TRAP I CAN'T WALK OUT BECAUSE I LOVE YOU TOO MUCH BABY WHY CAN'T YOU SEE WHAT YOU'RE DOING TO ME WHEN YOU DON'T BELIEVE A WORD I SAY? WE CAN'T GO ON TOGETHER WITH SUSPICIOUS MINDS AND WE CAN'T BUILD OUR DREAMS ON SUSPICIOUS MINDS SUSPICIOUS MINDS ELVIS PRESLEY Slide 4 SO, IF AN OLD FRIEND I KNOW STOPS BY TO SAY HELLO WOULD I STILL SEE SUSPICION IN YOUR EYES? HERE WE GO AGAIN ASKING WHERE I'VE BEEN YOU CAN'T SEE THESE TEARS ARE REAL I'M CRYING (YES I'M CRYING) WE CAN'T GO ON TOGETHER WITH SUSPICIOUS MINDS AND WE CAN'T BUILD OUR DREAMS ON SUSPICIOUS MINDS SUSPICIOUS MINDS ELVIS PRESLEY Slide 5 OH LET OUR LOVE SURVIVE OH DRY THE TEARS FROM YOUR EYES LET'S DON'T LET A GOOD THING DIE WHEN HONEY, YOU KNOW I'VE NEVER LIED TO YOU WE'RE CAUGHT IN A TRAP I CAN'T WALK OUT BECAUSE I LOVE YOU TOO MUCH BABY WHY CAN'T YOU SEE WHAT YOU'RE DOING TO ME WHEN YOU DON'T BELIEVE A WORD I SAY? DON'T YOU KNOW I'M CAUGHT IN A TRAP I CAN'T WALK OUT BECAUSE I LOVE YOU TOO MUCH BABY SUSPICIOUS MINDS ELVIS PRESLEY Slide 6 We all experience two core problems: 1.We dont get what we want 2.We cant make other people do what we want This is the direct opposite of Jesus two points of Matt 22:39. DISCUSS How do these two traits affect our relationships? What do they lead us to do? Slide 7 LOVE vs FEAR POWER vs FORCE ONGOING CHANGE vs TEMP SUBMISSION INTERNAL vs EXTERNAL COMMITMENT vs COMPLIANCE Slide 8 Slide 9 Being powerful is like being a lady; if you have to tell people you are, you arent - Margaret Thatcher. Slide 10 Emotional Self-Defence Slide 11 FLIP THE ICEBERG Slide 12 WORDS FEELINGS Slide 13 People that use aggressive style: Dont usually intend to cause harm, usually intend to motivate. Often dont know how to use other, more effective techniques Often shocked when they learn how others perceive them. CREATING CHANGE 1.Make them see 2.Make them care 3.Change the environment 4.Leave (Luke 10) Managing Aggressive/Coercive People Slide 14 You can lead a horse to water but you cant make it drink This may be true, but: You can make it see the water You can work it until its thirsty Slide 15 "Only time can heal your broken heart Just as only time can heal his broken arms & legs. - MISS PIGGY Slide 16 Rise up shepherd, rise up. Your flock has roamed far from the hills. - Bruce Springsteen, Rocky Ground Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is. ROMANS 12:2 Slide 17 Dark times call for dark deeds Youre wrong. They call for light. -Hammer of the Gods (coming movie) Slide 18 Why are you so unhappy? Because ninety-nine percent of what you think, And everything you do, Is for your self, And there isnt one. WU WEI WU CHINESE SAGE Slide 19 People need to act on their own choices. Acts of compliance do not serve those around us. Dominance also fails. We also do a disservice to others when we make decisions for them. Even if we are right. We diminish others when we define purpose and meaning for them, even if they ask us to do so. STEWARDSHIP PETER BLOCK Slide 20 CHOICE COMPLIANCE DOMINANCE (DIMINISHED SELF) (DIMINISHED OTHERS) STEWARDSHIP EMPOWERMENT RESPONSIBILITY OWNERSHIP ACCOUNTABLE Slide 21 1.What pattern does scripture suggest about how God relates to us? 2.What does God model in terms of preserving vs overriding choice? 3.What does Jesus do how does he interact with choice? 4.For both God & Jesus, what exceptions are there? 5.Are there any patterns to those exceptions? DISCUSS Slide 22 Slide 23 CHOICE COMPLIANCE DOMINANCE DARKNESS Learning to influence and persuade transparently and with integrity is the way of the kingdom. God expects us to influence peoples choices. Transparently, humbly, creatively and skillfully. (ACTS 26:28-29; MATT 10:!6) When we use tools that take choice off people, we are usually using the tools of the wrong kingdom. (ROM 12:2) DARKNESS LIGHT Slide 24 ...he who wins souls is wise. (PROV 11:30)