REFUSAL SKILLS

How to Say “No” and Keep a Good Relationship

Review of Last Class• Is abstinence the most common choice among people your age?• Yes!• What are some medical advantages of abstinence?• Prevents pregnancy, reduces risk of STDs and cervical cancer.• What are some personal or psychological reasons that abstinence

is an advantage?• Follows your religious or personal moral beliefs, shows emotional

maturity and integrity, demonstrates that you’re stronger than peer pressure.

• How does abstinence help your relationship?• Gives you time to develop a deeper friendship, can be a test of

love, may help people be better lovers.

Talk to Your Parents

• Part A: Answer these questions about your ideas about sex and protection.

• Part A: Predict what you think your parents believe about these questions.

• Part B: Interview your parents and talk about their answers to these questions.

• Part B: Difficult though this may be, don’t just give your parents the sheet to fill out!

• Talk about any differences between what you predicted they would say and what they actually said.

• Part C: This is the form that you turn in.

Verbal Refusals

• Why is it sometime hard to say no, especially to someone you care about, and stick to that decision?

• The ability or skill to say no effectively gives us a lot of power over our lives.

• The purpose of doing role plays is to learn and practice ways to say no when you don’t want to have sex.

Refusal Skills Model

• 1. Say “NO!”• Action: Use the word NO. • Example: “No, I don’t want to do that.”• Action: Don’t laugh, look away, make excuses,

or explain.• Example: Look straight at the other person

with a serious look on your face.

2. Use Body Language That Says NO

• A. Voice Tone• Strong, firm, and business-like voice• B. Expression• Serious, your best “I mean it” face• C. Posture• Sit up or stand up with an upright, tall posture. Walk away if you

need to.• D. Gestures• Hands off, “get off me” gesture or limit setting gestures• E. Fight Back• Sometimes, if everything else fails, you might have to use your

strength to push your partner away to protect yourself.

3. Repeat the RefusalAction: Use the repetition technique by repeating the original no-statement until the other

person stops pressuring. Example: No, I don’t want to do that. No, I don’t want to do that. No, I don’t want to do that.”Action:Restate no, increasing intensity by including statements about how the situation

makes you feel. Example: “No, and when you pressure me, I feel angry.”Action: Add consequences if the situation doesn’t change.Example:No, and if you keep pressuring me, I’m going to leave.”

4. Suggest an Alternative• Action• Suggest another activity that is realistic and appealing.• Example• “Let’s go to a movie, for a walk, to a friend’s, …• Action• Suggest another activity that gets you out of the situation. (Same

example as above,)• Action• Move toward acting on the alternative.• Example• Get the paper or go online to see what is at the movies, get up to

start walking, call friends to see if they’re home.

5. Build the Relationship (if appropriate).

• Action• Strong, honest communication• Example• “I want you to stop that.”• Action• Use “I” Messages or Statements.• Example• “I get really mad when you push me to do things

I’m not ready for.”

5. Relationship Building continued

• Action• Accept and acknowledge other’s needs and wants.• Example• “I want to be with you too.”• Action• Talk and act in a way that says you want to keep the

relationship going.• Example• “I don’t want to have sex with you, but I do want to

keep seeing you and being close.”

Your Friend’s Ex-Partner

• What did the “refusing” person do or not do that led to ineffectiveness?

• Never said “No”.• Never repeated the first objection• Was trying not to upset the ex-partner and

didn’t use clear communication.• Expressed doubt and left the person thinking

it might work out.

Your Friend’s Ex-Partner Version 2

• What worked well in this role play?

Trying to Slow Down

• What did the refusing person miss doing that led to an ineffective refusal?

• Never said no• Never restated the first objection• Asked questions (“Do you love me?”) rather than stating

her or his view. This set him/her up for more pressure.• Expressed doubt.• Failed to offer any alternative actions.• Failed to use hands off or other body language.• Gave up

Trying to Slow Down Part 2

• What were the elements of Person 2’s effective refusal?