reflections-dr. rukhsar vankani

8/12/2019 Reflections-Dr. Rukhsar Vankani

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Reflections

D R . R U K H S A R V


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1

I dont understand

How can the scorching sun,

Smile at people?

How does the spotted moon

Be the eternal source of Beauty?

How does a womans smile

Remove all pain and grief ?

How do people talk

To the ever static Nature?

How does the glimpse of your country

Be the most satisfying joy?

These are just fraudulent psychologies

Leading MAN to a worldWhich was never his!!

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2

There are thousand words

To prove your sincerityBut only a single word

To prove your involvement

There are a million excuses

To express your failure

But only a single expression

To show your success

There are hundred ways

To cheat someone

But only one way

To gain someones faith

Love, Money, Lust, Friendship

Are just few ways to complete life

But only one way leads to eternity

And that is BELIEF IN YOUR EXISTENCE

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3

Here,

It is that very special day

That day when I have come

To know

My true self

That day when I have been

A triumphant individual

That day when my hard work hasFinally shown

Its fruit

That very day

Which I had been awaiting

Since years

The day when I am a victor

The day when people are

Cheering for me

The day when I am no longer

A part of the crowds

The day,

Yes, the very day,

TODAY!!!

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4

I then vigiled the orb

When I came out of my yashmak

I then fathomed its wideness

coz first I thought

That nothing was gigantic then my dreams

I held on to a tree

Viewing the far spread greenswards

Was gapedAs couldnt believe my eyes

Then I came up to the populace

And talked to them

I could figure out

That they were all ahead of me

But it has to be

Me and My dreams

Which are supposed to reign the world

I have small scions

On my palm

From them shall I

Recreate an unabridged new planet

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5

The breeze was harsh

The day was too inauspicious

Clouds burst out at any

Moment passed that;

Seemed too unfavorable

To commence any new

Task hence,

But I had noOther option

Rather than to

Set out

To the Land Unknown

About which I had been preached

To be haunted

With all kinda

Struggle stuff

But,

I left preachings aside

And set out

To scan my way

I seemed to be

Weary at first

Steps few

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Found I

That

Id out better be

As it seemed

Thrilling more and

Exciting

Friends, the mansion was

Full of people successful

Boasting

Bluffing..

And gaining fame..

I thought

Better be successful

In small ways though

But,

On the path of Truth always

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6

What does a picture tell?

It is a mere perception

Or a happy nostalgia

A revealing truth;

And a mysterious future

The wonderful image

How much does it signify,Reflection of ideas,

Confluence of thoughts,

Chanced meetings,

Unusual happenings,

Broad dimensions,

Narrow horizons,

Helplessness,

Love,

Friendship,

Intimacy,

Mystery,

And an everlasting history

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7

To go ahead

Doesnt only mean to fare well

To struggle hard

Doesnt always demand a fruit

To progress

Doesnt mean that you are always a victor

To succeed

Does mean that,You have the CAPABILITY

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8

Left all alone here

In the dungeon

I am missing

The most special person in my life

Who gave life its correct worth

Who made my life a real happening story

Passions, desires, love, money,

Whatever I desired

Was at my feet

But..

His 1 mistake

Led him to death and

Me here.

Crying in his memory

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9

Surrounded in the strange medley of life

Blocked with hustles and bustles

The only person I remembered

Was you

I was wondering that, what fell on

That made us part?

Was it your way?

Or my small gestures troubled you?No definite reason is out as yet!

But sweetheart,

Cant we give each other one more chance?

I have realized

That I am insanely in love with you

Let me know,

If I can be THE SPECIAL ONE once again?

Love you loads

Waiting for a positive reply honey!

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10

Life takes me on

And I get to know

Yet another person,

Who seemed to care for me a lot

And seemed to help me

Balance problems in life

Well, friendship

Was the only thing

That had bound us together

Slowly and gradually

Love, feelings regarding each other, possessiveness

And faith took place

And we no longer were friends now

People called us loversBut,

Cant we have such feelings for a friend?

Ya, I loved him

And maybe it was the same on the other side too.

But,

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People cant see true love together

Later,

Problems and misunderstandings replaced love

And there was no other option..

But to part

With a heavy heart I said to him,

shawn, you may go,

You can be..

The reason for the smile on my face

But, you shall always be

The reason why I cry!!

And to my surprise,

This is what I heard from him

Jane, you were the love of my life,

But a few things in between

And you gave way to our relationship

Could you have been a bit more calm,

I would have definitely retained your smile

Bye. Its better we part and it would be best if you do not cry!

Couldnt ask him for a second chance

It was all my mistake

I messed with the person

Who was

And is my love

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11

There came upon a time,

After we parted

This was the time when I realized that

I have wasted a lot of my time

Thinking that someday you will come back!

But,

I was wrong as ever

I loved the wrong man

And I assumed that he will come back

Just coz he loves me more than I do!

Hell, I had been an emotional fool!

But now, no more!

I have come to my sensesI very well know

How bad people can be!

All thanks to you my love!

I wished you would have hurt me more

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Could have learnt some more shocking truth about ditchers

In this time,

I also made up my mind

To fight for my tears!

So,

I am writing this letter sweetheart

Set things right before I destroy you..

And,

Dont tell me that I didnt inform you!

As you always do

Well this is my last letter

I still love you for teaching me the truth of life

Thanx!

Be prepared to encounter tears!!

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12

Deep down in the valley of thought

An emergence of superiority of DEATH OVER LIFE

Never ever I have felt so low

Circumstances had never been so bad to be improved

If something good pops up

Bad has been constantly following

Life tries to threaten me

And always tries to steal my giftsAnd so much engrossed in the envious labyrinths of people

That I have forgotten the basic essence of being ME

All this mess

And my burdened shoulders

Over this

The pressures of maintaining my goodness

Oh lord! Please save me!

I know, intending death is a sin

But how if I pray;

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Please call me to you soon I intend to meet you soon!

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13

Though there have been times

When people said,

That there is nothing called love

And there were just tears in your way

If you fall in love!

But I loved him

And I was sure about it

Yes I loved him

And I could do anything for him

What if he was a social criminal?

And the police(my dad) was after him!!

But, I was crazy for him

I went against family to save him!I couldnt be with him..

But I am with his memories!

He left me

But I still love him

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I will go against fate

To receive his love

I am killing myself just to reach him!

So..

Dear dad dont blame his mates!!

I have killed myself just coz you killed him!!

Wish you success to encounter more criminals

And see your daughter dying with each encounter

Goodluck

Bye!

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14

People claim,

Ignorance is bliss

That,

Bliss is all a myth

And so is the abyss

But, such are whims of the ignorant

Coz the belief in this fact;

Requires testimony of heart, soul and mind

And the DIVINE BELIEF

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15

When I walked to your door;

I thought 10,000 times

Whether it would be fair or no

To betray you?

But,

Then I had my own ends to see

And as you know,

Life and love is full of ups and downs

Still I ponder till date over the fact,

That, what if destiny set us part?

And if ever we meet someday was only in Elysium!

Our family wont ever agree for the wedlock..But, life has to move on darling!

So take your decision right away

And forget me

Obviously if you can!!

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16

That day finally dawned

When I was placed in front of the fact

And I was so baffled

That I just couldnt contain my emotions

I reacted

For what I thought was right

But, I actually reviled the wrong

And got to know

That the conclusions were antagonistic

And so I better thought

To shut off my nlah-blahs with people

And just concentrate

In polishing myselfAs a hypocrite

Coz that ways,

People stay happy though

I die everyday,

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As I see my ethics crushed by myself

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17

Manuring and maneuvering faults

I reached success

Savoring and delighting people

I attained relations

Cherishing and reuniting thoughts

I revived friendship

Messing and faltering emotions

I received love

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18

Gazing at the sky

I sit on this window sill

And reminisce

That, what has happened!

That you took me wrong

Or you just wanted to consider that as an option

Was my defending,

Considered by you as a compulsion?Was my obsession,

Thought by you as my disregard?

Were my desires misinterpreted???

Or my way of dealing, wasnt liked by you??

Whatever it may be;

I dont care

But I always considered

That the way you were

And the way you have became

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The latter was never preferred!

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19

Let me tell you the story of SHADES,

Today shining, yesterday dull and maybe tomorrow LOST!

Loaded with grace, aiming towards perfection, modest in speech and unfail-

ingly appreciatedwalks someone 57, catches everybodys eye at every step

which impresses and evades the street. May it be dark or light, pale or bright, dull

or glossed, you will never fail to see the figure so damn appreciated. Casted with

green eyes, never bluing up in revenge, dealing with pink and white, trying to add

colors to dull lives though living amidst black and white only. She is the breadwin-

ner, the carrier oriented woman on the TOP

She maybe the common woman, considered to be dull, lost and knows nothing

except kitchen and kids. But let me tell you she excels in the game of colors. She

maintains red in everyones life while balancing greys, blues and pinks for every-

one she is concerned with. Forgetting her yellow and brown section which no oneeven cares to glance. She is the true shade ideal!

Though her life maybe just among brown and white, covered only with black

and blue from her superiors; she manages to be vibrant and VIBGYOR always.

Faint purples might just come her way, which is condemned by the elders. Getting

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a chance to shove her golden aspect only when pushed up and cheered for. Dumps

into lost shades if pushed to the valleys of inconfidence and depressions. She is the

female student, whose education is of no importance in the eyes of a million!

Landmarks of her genius are left no where to be discovered; her footprints have

evaded to opacity; translucency guides her way to potholes and streetlights. No

one recognizes her; but everyone knows her. She pokes her nose in everyones

brown, to fish out a close by yellow for her dear ones. She manages to resist all

thats dull and all thats bright without a sigh. She is the lady whom we see on the

streets with a trail of kids following

There are still many shades skipping our so called Broad Spectrum of Vision;

please care to appreciate the role of every shade which makes our life colorful and

saves us from entering the boring realm of transparency!

In appreciation of WOMAN-THE WORLD IDEAL

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2 0

Remorsed, I penned down few instances that relate to a friends life or about the

instances I wished never dashed her in the so called Beautiful course of life; so that

the phrase might have gimmicked its synonym.

There was a girl: confident, joyous and determinant. Efforts and more efforts

and the result was manipulated with efforts and politics to render her shame and

inconfidence in return!!

She always loved and cared, but didnt bother to show.they started thinking

that she doesnt need them any longer!! But poor she was always claiming about

things she never owed

There was a he and a weak hearted she, then he and she fell head over heels for

each other but the he was mean, mere objections and left the yearned she! The

she was dumped in dungeons of darkness to be unnoticed even in spotlight.

They sat her in the palanquin, said her goodbye, thinking she would be happy

in her new home! The new family just bought her a son, remorse and loneliness

for a lifetime

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Shattered she thought atleast the one whom she looked after would be with her

but he too left her when she required to be looked for.

Lost and pained she told me the story through her pain struck eyesI penned

it for you all to stop making more sad stories and respecting people who care and

dont show, rather than false flatterers

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21

Gradually I started departing

From those who were

Seeming my well wishers

But they were actually

Wearing my friendship

Over their envious hides!

I realized the farce

Long time after

Hurted like hell

But made me realize

That it was not my fault

The big bad world is supposed to be like that!!

Well now,

I know that my parents didnt teach me how to

Steal peoples emotions and play with them

But

I am very sure

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That

I will guide my generation

To walk cautiously

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2 2

Cant I get your smile for a day?

Cant I get the pleasure of your eyes

Just for 24 hours?

Cant I get the lasting impression of your dimples?

Cant I capture that moment for a little while longer?

Cant I have your touch just for some more time?

Cant I feel a little more protected when you are around; just for a mere hours?

Cant I get credit of

being associated with you; for a little more while?Cant you call me yours just for a day more?

Please come back just for a day

I am really missing your essence a lot since you have gone.

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2 3

With you as a friend

I loved learning

As your small taps

Completely reminded me

That I was wrong

Those pats

Were like bits of appreciation

Even for the spoilt broth

Those cuddles

Made me laugh

Without a reason

Those promises

Gave me faith

That I can rely on someone so much

Those pecks on the cheek

Made me feel loved

Small hugs and fondles

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Gave me a feeling of being cared for

The wipe of your fingers against my drizzling tears

Made me wonder

What if I had to look for another someone?

Friend please dont leave me alone

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2 4

I want you to be, maybe not the best for the world; but atleast claimable as a

part of meI dont desire you to do something really substantial so that people remember

me as your care giver or guardian, but I want you to be true in your lords eye

I dont want you to accredit me the titles os best or perfect but just that

dont reject me on the grounds of my generation

I dont claim that I have done all the possible things for you from childhood so

you should grip me in my old age: but I want you to feel my pang on separating

from you in my most handicapping condition

I guess the condition would be less incapacitating but those hands which would

lead me to the home for the aged and those words and the deed that I dont need

you anymore would leave me psychologically handicapped and never restorable

Dear, I dont want to burden you in your unmanageable life. I might not oc-

cupy even a quarter of your life but you are the reason why I believe in life

I hope I never have to depart from you on such grounds

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2 5

They are just worried about

What would be your next move?

They are just concerned about

What would you do now, when your affair is leaked out?

They are just dying to see

What do you do in the hour of trouble?

They keep on bothering

Wasting their days, nights and probably years

Just to know that your life isnt going well

Why do you care about your enemies then??

Chuck society!

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2 6

I dont guarantee to love you for the season

But I love you for a reason

Its not lust for sure

But its not claimable either

I dont know if I can love you long enough

But Im sure that for however long I love you its true

I dont want to ask you out

Nor tell you that admiration is not infatuationBut Im writing this for you

As for if you read this

Your face shall bear a smile

And I crave for that always!

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2 7

I cannot forego,

That part of my life

I had everything I desired

Beauty, money, love, success and fame

Thats what all crave for, right??

I had everything you name

Turning back to those pages of lifeMakes me smile, giggle or maybe laugh aloud..

But now,

You ask me

What makes you so dull, pained and lost..

I gotta tell you ma friend,

That there is nothing that lasts forever

Beauty..yay, its in the eyes of the beholder they say, but I guess you told me

dull!!

Well nothing stays permanent, how much would my lotions work against my ag-

ing??

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Money, I still do have it in the banks but Im almost assuming my grave and no

money order comes till heaven

Love was that chapter in my life I never want to recall, someone trapped me in

their labyrinth and left it unclaimed: Im still finding a way out

Success, I can say I have completed my life successfully, but I could not be suc-

cessful in playing all the roles of life

And yes fame, I guess thats why you are here asking about my life. People want

to hear about the lost lady now!!

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2 8

For those who fight against time for small glints of happiness

Or who claim to fight for happiness and ultimately land up as slaves of time!!

Well if I ever have to choose between time and happiness

I will choose happiness

Its okay for me to have a minute less at work

But it is never okay to see my family not smile

It is all right for me to be poor

But rich enough to value the emotions of my loved onesIts fine if you call me useless, incompetent or maybe an emotional fool

But I just want to tell all those who helped me be, helped me live a big thank

you!!

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3 0

The weather is dry and wet;

Im tired and upset

All this just for some mess

Which clogged up with my unmatched dress

And now I am thinking

That why have I been thinking

When sleeping, smiling and eating are better options!!

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31

Give me a word

That aint absurd

Give me my smile

Just for a while

Give me mischief

If not that eternal bliss

Give me some cash

To drive like a flash

Give me some fame

To not be lame

Give me some time

To dine and wine

Just give me few things that I need

After this irksome job that I did!

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3 2

It is just a faded memory in my mind

About our last meet

Though the incident has evaded

But I reminisce it

As I am deeply pining for you

I am dying

To see your stalwart statureTo get your feeling

All over me

The power with which

You control all my senses

The strength in you

Your scent

Your style..

And the basic essence of our love

I want to experience it once again

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Please come back

Just once

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3 3

I saw her waiting by the shore

Dressed in the beatitude

Of the vanilla tinted wedding gown

I came to her

And questioned her,

o fair lady

Whose beauty is divine!

Can I question you,

For whom are you awaiting?

She just spoke

I am waiting for

The one who shows little concern about me

For the one

Who would promise to be with me always

Who has a gentle word

And is the master of Handsomeness

I stood beside her

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As if lost in a labyrinth

And why not

Her beauty was so alluring

I wanted to be

Her soul mate

And her

Dream guy

But who knows

Whether I was her gentleman

After a long wait

The pristine female said-

o gentle lad

Do thy know

I was waiting since dawn

Everyone appreciated my beauty

And walked away

But you were the one

Who stood beside me

Waiting as if

We were bosom cronies

I have realized

That

You are my lad

My man

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Of valour and

A heart unblemished!

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3 4

Why did you give that wondrous snile?

If it wasnt to last forever

Why did you ask me to look into your glistening eyes?

If they were to go away so soon

Why did you talk to me?

If the melodious voice was to melt into nothingness

Why did you hold my hand?

If the feeling of your touch was mere roses and candles

Why did He do this to me?

If it was to be done

He shouldnt have made our paths cross

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3 5

In the rush of everyday pressures

We often forget to take time out

From our busy schedules to express

Our gratefulness to people who brighten

Our lives with their thoughtful acts,

No matter how big or small they may be

So, before any more time slips by

I want to tell you how much I admireAnd appreciate you for making

A wonderful difference to my life

cause its not just what you do

But the way you do it which

Touches my heart

And the fact that you are so oblivious

Of the good that youre doing

Unto others without expecting

Anything in return, no laurels or

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Words of praise

Make you all the more special

So, this comes with the heartfelt thanks

For all the times Id let the words

Go unsaid and for touching my life

In such a beautiful way

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3 6

This is my 56th letter to you grandma,

Please reply back to show that you careI know that there are no newspapers and pens in your world

But atleast reply back in my dreams

Please reply back in the flowers that bloom

Or come and soothe me when I cry in my room

No doubt there may be better people there

But some are old friends who always seem to care

You are expected to call us up out there

To play the games you do and make us jealous

Trust me not but less this time

I have the world on bet this time

I will cry, I may die

But I will never tell you a lie

Ive cried a lot since the day you left

And cried and thought of you in our days and nights

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Those happy moments were never without tears

cause all were there and I missed you

Come back to us one day

For the sake I posted my letters

Come back to us one day

For the sake I need you more

Come back to us grandma, we are in need of you

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37

Though seasons bring sunshine and rain

I will balance life with gladness and pain

Though trials in our life seems heavy to bear

I will always lend you my hand

A promise to care

I undertake to be your strength in trials

I oath to be your guiding light through our journey

I assure to give you the best alwaysWith grace from above,

I will prove our wedlock to be a wonderful paradigm!

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3 8

Damn! I am missing you!

And its coz of you

Why are you so sweet?

Why do you have to care for me so much?

Why do you always have a reason

to talk to me?

You come to know

That I am upsetOr am cool

Just by talking to me..

You understand every inch of me

And

You are closer to me

Even than my own soul!

You seriously have stolen my peace of mind!

But still,

You love me

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And remember,

That even I love you more than myself!!

Missing you loads sweetheart!

Come back na!

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3 9

Someday you will leave me and go away

But I still care for you

Wherever you may go

I will always wish good for you

I love you so much

That even if you betray me

I will wait for you to turn back to me

And if someday

When life betrays me

I will fight with death

And be there for you

Till you need me

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4 0

You hurt me with the hardest stone,

You turned my life to the saddest note,

You gave me a reason,

To hate my own self,

I just have to say that,

Love lost its worth

After I met you

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4 1

Life went on after our part,

No morrow dawned without the sorrow,

Of the lost meet

Life carried on

But I couldnt help forgetting

Past memories

Life traversed on

But with a great guiltThat, I hurt you

Sorry about it!

But,

Dont expect me to love you again..

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4 2

God,

I am lost here,

In an outlandish olio of false goodness

I cant condone a small event,

coz even in a fraction of a second

People set indomitable stratagems,

A slight mistake of words

Leads to an animusLife becomes a combat zone

Even if you try to joke with someone..

And, your overseer,

Makes you a slave

And chivvy you till you fall dead

Help me lord,

To get out this soon

And give me the courage

To beat the unsurpassable antagonist

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4 3

I am saturated

With this boring hypocrite attitude

I hate smiling back on the face of the cock feathered dame/hunk

And moreover appreciating him/her reasonlessly

If he/she is looking horrendous

You have to tell him/her that he/she is the king/queen of the universe

Inspite of the 10,000 cold wars that you share in your abode

In front of everyone you gotta claim that you are great friendsInspite of knowing the conspiracies that he/she has set for you

You have to react as if there is someone who is jealous seeing your friendship

Hah! I am fedup!

No more of this!

I cant take it!

So,

This is a clear indication to all the double faceted people whom I hate!

Sorry to say in plain words

But,

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I HATE YOU

I DONT NEED YOUR FALSE GOODNESS ANYMORE!

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4 4

Life is a big game of antonyms

Life is the biggest hypocrite Ive ever met!

Life never works as I want

Life is jealous of things that I achieve

And always tries to pull them back from me

I dont need it

And for those who need itLife shows attitude to them

And runs away from them

So my FUNDA is,

Avoid life, as it kills in the end

Better flirt with death,

As it is faithful!!

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4 5

After scanning precisely,

I have concluded though

Love is blind

But, if any one of the two is awake

Verily, the blindness gets vision in a jiffy!!

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4 6

Claiming my right

Has always made me suffer

And also

People have regarded

It as a low level of my thoughts!?!

I was confused about

My position amidst them

I kept mumI let patience have the way

So that I could save myself from their rebel

And also

As they were my close comrades

Whom I sought in pain

And still

My sincerest wish is that

I get their support

When I am in anguish

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4 7

Race against time

Antagonism against destiny

Frustration against world

And death in my part

Is all that I need

And all what I pay heed to

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4 8

My heart is not a toy

That you can keep playing your games

And try all your cheats on me

I am not your pet

That you come to me whenever I need

And when I am in dire need of you

You are always unavailable

Nor do you care to pay heed to my needs

You already have someone in your life

Who you suppose is better than me!!

So why dont you just sign that legal document

And make me free from your golden jail

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4 9

Love settled between us

And I wasnt aware too

Those small gestures

Those night calls

That mischievous talks

And those hide outs

Those long drives

Those beach memories

Our first foreign trip

That shoulder for my problems

And your voice

I am so used to all this now

That I am sure I cant manage with somebody elseSo,

Lets start our BROKEN RELATION AGAIN!

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5 0

Zones of sorrow

Shackles of happiness

Tears of worry

Moments of hope

Unsolved mysteries

Handful of facts

Demons of terror

Birds of freedomUnraveled history

Predictable future

Buckets of ailments

Drop of relief

Sighs, hues and cries

Smiles, giggles, and laughter

Are the only woes in my life

And probably yours too!?!

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51

Shanking up and down,

The shelves and books,

I found those mellifluous poems and letters of yours,

Sung in my love

It was like,

Driving me crazy to see you,

But the only thing that mattered

Was a little hurdleThat I couldnt cross,

As you left me alone over there

And since I was only dependent on you,

I had, and am still lying broken there

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5 2

Deep down in the dark dungeon

My valley of thought started carving

An image on myself

Before this gross issue

Adorning the way I were

Before I got caught in this mess

Mesmerizing those happy days

Spent with the family

Reminiscing the past

In my beloveds arm

Picturizing my comforts

And trying to forget this chaos

I was recollecting

Those unforgettable pleasant memories

And was praying to the Lord

To either free me of this

Or grant me back my past

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Then suddenly,

Someone called

you are free

I was astonished

To see my DAD with arms widespread

As I just witnessed a miracle

And I regretted the fact

Of being an AETHEIST

And remembering Him only in the time of need

But, people,

I have to tell you all,

Miracles do happen

God still loves the world!!!

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5 3

Cant actually make out faces

Bold turn out to be colder than ice

Dumb turn out to be smarter than wit

Innocence is vigilantly deceived and masking frauds of all sizes and shapes

Wickedness may sometimes cheat you as you may seem to outwit it

Darling better be careful

Rather than sorry

This is just a trailer of the film

Deceptive Looks which I witness everyday of my life!

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5 4

Grotesque is my situation

Panged is my state

Remorsed is my condition

Lost am I

Searching for someone whom my heart told mine

But left me when I was whining for him the most

Very small is the pang in your eyes

But the childhood touch,

Your pranks,

Forcefully pushing me out of the rides..

Your first kiss in the rain

When you first held my hand to avoid me from slipping

All I thought were gestures of love

But how was I supported to know that a dictionary always allowed a friend

To conveniently practice playing with emotions and excuse out

When someone proposed!

I was just a kid..

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Well anyways friend,

I love you

But I cant show as you have said a no

Yet I will be waiting for you over the course of time!

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5 5

I said a NO, the second time you asked

Coz saying YES would make me weak

Not that

I cant manage

But

I cant see my seniors panged

At my decision

And nor do I want

To be called

A REBEL

I am glad, I said a NO!!

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5 6

Pouring a cup if coffee

Sitting by the window sill

Amidst the many confusions

I ponder over the thought

Confession..

Where shall it lead me to?

Maybe after that my so called goody good image;

Will all be a faade

A farce that will shine brightly over my innocent shin

What will they think of me?

I never intended to do bad

But I had to be with time

It I were against the stride

I would have failed

And probably

They would hate me even more

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Well, forgetting the consequences

I decide to confess

As I was right by heart

And wait for their minds

To decide my fate

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57

Need a guide for life

There was a time, when we were just too little to comprehend, too little to walkand too little to report. I guess someone helped me at that time whom I called

Mother

There was a time when my small steps were like big troubles, that time a

strong, sturdy and tall man held my finger to guide me all the way through the pa-

thI named him father.

I played with him, told him my woes, cried on his shoulder and shared my

pranks with himhe in return supported my right, ridiculed my wrong, led me

from dark to bright and helped me bear a smile on my face alwaysI called him

friend.

Then I came to a place where many others like me were there waiting and

wanting to be taught. There was a plethora of things to be explored, someone

made me read, work hard and explained me the facts, incorporating them in me

and also testing me regularly, appreciating when I deserved, showing displeasurewhen I proved wrongshe played a great role in my lifeso I called her teacher.

Now, I am still waiting and wanting to learn: but my teacher has got old and is

still there teaching my friends and siblings I want her to be there with me to

teach me the lessons of life my friend needs to settle a lot of things in his life

and my mother and father consider me grown and capableI want someone who

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can help me with this phase of life tooI dont know what shall I define that some-

one but I know that person can modify me a lot if ever they come.

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5 8

Being here was not my choice ever

But staying here was a decision I made

I never faltered so that I can get out of here faster

But now I know that I have to deal with this all my life

I know I cant revert time

Or think about where I wanted to be

But I know that being here

And learning some important stuff

Might just help me

Sulk less on loosing my dream

And mint money which can never buy me happiness

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5 9

I maybe did not appreciate it coz it wasnt in my regard

I actually did not appreciate it coz it separated me from the people I loved

I claimed that I dont appreciate the logic behind it

I made fun of pesky things which were so important to them

I hated the extremely perfect artiste that everyone wanted me to be

All this just to get back to you mamma

But I forgot that you wanted me to achieve this in the best possible manner

I chided, reviled, but didnt rebukeSulking made me a gloomy recluse needing medical attention

Friends I made, did support my cause but never got up for it

All have some or the other purpose of being here

Being with them helped me sail through unpleasant times

But some events made my stay worthwhile

And to my surprise they were gifted to me by the ones whom I so didnt appreci-

ate

Probably the ones whom I blindly blamed for my being here

And the ones who made me feel more dejected by disapproving their art which

I carved

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Well, the journey is ending and somehow some taunts would be hard to forget

Some good coincidences and some bad days

All would be like bittersweet memories in the chapters of my life

I dont know whether I like it now or not,

Cant decide over it

But I guarantee that it aint that bad as I proposed it to be!!

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6 0

Its over and Im glad

Its ending and Im sad

Not for the liking

But for the uniting

Somethings were bad

But somethings were not really sad

Some smiles and cheers

Had my mind for miles and beersSome acknowledgements

Had deep insights

But some frowns

Had real let downs!

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61

Cry and win the world

Try to make it all curled

Fry up everything that you see turned

And in the end drop it on anyone who behaves how you dont want them

to(even if that behavior is genuine against your cooked up gesture)

Learnt a new definition for a comrade!

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6 2

Someday even I will have a smile thats mine

Someday even I will share a story thats divine

Someday even I will shine in the night

Someday even you will say that I wanna be like thine

Someday this story of night will turn to day

Someday my worlds gonna have a different face for sure!

Yes, some very day!!

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6 3

Time has passed

And it has not trespassed

The events, the cries, the laughs

The desires to be successful at last

God knows whats in store

What we will be like a year from now

Maybe hitting the newspapers

Or maybe unrecognizable

But whatever it may be

I know that you know me and so do I

We will be friends, colleagues and supporters

What come may, Im bearing this smile

I hope you all do too!!

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6 4

Games and dames

Manes and chains

Sometimes all of them are so much along

That I dont seem to be headlong

I have to be reeling

To get healing

From the pangs they bought

Which could be slightly soughtThey told me its stress

But I thought I dont need rest

I lived on drugs

But always in shrugs

Could I buy bliss,

For a mighty kiss?

Which could relieve me of my pang

And get me out of the shank!

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6 5

I did as I was instructed

But

What did I get in return?

A barren life

Without any returns?

I did what you said

As

That would make me idealBut my ideals about life got all tampered

I did as I liked that smile on your face

But

I never knew for that smile

I would have to risk my entire life

I did admit that nothing is above you

But

Someday I had to do what I wished out of life

So

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Today I do it!

And I am happy! Please you be happy too!

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6 6

There are a few hopes in my heart

Everyones hearts have a certain number of them

They generally coincide with others

But what I really have to say is that these hopes; ive been inculcating as a part

of me ever since childhood

And when I see them nearing me;

I get all set to receive the pleasures

One of them is coming close to me

I hope that it doesnt surpass me!

Ive really been waiting for a positive response

Not coz its my dream

But with the accomplishment of this hope

My overseers get satisfied and get all peaceful

So just for this pleasure I want that this dream becomes a reality

Please Lord accept my prayer!

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67

I am the foundation of all business

I am the source of all prosperity

I am the parent of genius

I am the salt that gives life its savor

I laid the foundation of every fortune

I must be loved before I can bestow my blessings and achieve my greatest ends

Loved, I make life, sweet, purposeful and fruitful

I am represented in the humblest sayings,All progress springs from me!!

Yes, I am WOMAN

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6 8

There is a person

Whom I look upon as my archetypal

For me she is the alpha

And the omega

She is the embarkment of my life

Her persona inspires me

To make an incessant approach

To life

And to be a victor always

To be outdistancing

In whichever phase of life

And that

Quintessential personage of my life isMy matriarch! My mom!

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6 9

It might not be right to tell you at this moment but I have to let you know that you

comprise an important part of my life which I cant forego: I dont know whether

the interpretation would be the same as I want, but I hardly bother about the so

called society now. The fear is just that after letting you know this, you shouldnt

separate from me coz I cant afford to loose you as I can let go the society for once

but not you. I cant define you as family, friend or love but I definitely know that

you are dear to me and I adore you a lot: my INSPIRATION

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7 0

Grand promises

Brand lavishes

Life diminishes

Love reminisces

Time evades

Friendship facades

All withersIntegrity lingers

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71

The rain is dripping by my window side

But I wish I had you also by my side

I know the time wasnt in my stride

But I atleast wanted somebody to take my side

I always wished I could be by my might

But a little backing wouldve made me right

I thought, that it was your wish to see me bright

But my being right

Couldnt be fathomed right!

I anyway hope to see somebody by my side

When the rain is dripping by my window side

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7 2

Sometimes it makes me wonder

What if I admitted

I could have a million smiles by my side

And that now I have not

I have to fake a million smiles

With the gesture, I AM OK

Now its late

Yet I hopeI can make it all

The way I want

But, I hope I have it from your end too!

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7 3

I wish I had some time to tell somethings that need to be shown the way they are

I wish I had some time to express the way I really feel

I wish I had some time to ridicule some wrongs and get them my way

I wish I had some time to claim somebody mine

I wish I only had that little time

I got the time

But probably now Ive overcome the need to be claimed, named and won!

Or its just a show offTo call someone yours while you actually never mean it!!?!!

And is it important even to say

I suppose if true love exists.

It understands without showing, naming and claiming

That seems the purest kind of love to me!

I am so off the material display already!!

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74

There was a little while

I called you mine


I though you mine


I trusted you like dime


I enjoyed all the time


I waited till nine


I thought I have a new rhyme


My heart told you mine


I thought my friend will never whine

But that little while was too little

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Though I am happy it was little;

I still fear losing some friend for the little

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7 5

I never really knew you..

You were just another friend

But when I gotta know you,

I let my heart unbend,

I couldnt help past memories

That would only make me cry

Ive fallen in love with you and I will never let you go

I love you more than anyone

Just had to let you know

And if you ever wonder why?

I dont know what I will say

But I will never stop loving you

Each and every day

My feelings for you will never change

Just know my feelings are true

Just remember one thing;

I LOVE YOU!

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76

Heartbreaks are so painful

They leave me all disdainful

I am so joyful

But thinking of them I become sorrowful

I wondered what if he was truthful

But very late I realized he was only painful

I gave a second chance to somebody claiming to be truthful

But they always regarded me as playful

They leave me all disdainful

Heartbreaks are so painful

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7 7

I cannot fathom some behaviors

Which give me jitters

I cannot fathom some issues

About which I have no clues

I cannot fathom some assumptions

Without proper notifications

I cannot take care of everybodys thinking

When I have problems with my own thinking

I cannot go drinking

To resolve everybodys thinking

But, I just have a saying

That please dont be lying

That you were crying

When I was dying

And you were partying!

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7 8

Im completing twenty two

Without a clue

How to get through

In whatever I do!

Yet people told me to do

All that I can and I cannot do

I somehow do

Without any clue!!

Sometimes I get through

And sometimes they help me through

Just wanna get to

All the people who helped me through

And all the people who trusted me through

And tell them ,

A BIG THANK YOU!!

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7 9

Thought of him

And filled the brim

Wet my rim

And a drop or two on my shin

Thought of him

And I could no longer be thin

Dipped in gin

Was my depressed skin

Thought of him

And I made a whim

That being in gym

Was never my hymn

Thought of him

And I decided never to be dim

Planned a sin

But, it didnt win!!

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112/140

81

Some relationships

Are so difficult to get through

Some relationships

Dont need words to get through

Some relationships

Sound like contracts

Some relationshipsAre like unbreakable bonds

Some relationships

Are just to show the concern

Some relationships

Work even without words

Some relationships

Are based on everything but love

Some relationships

Define love

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I have seen the black and the white

The dark and the bright

But I still wonder

What am I going to fall into!?!

I have seen the black and the white

The dark and the bright

But I still wonder

What am I going to fall into!?!

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8 2

We die in how and why

These are the only people to sigh

They will not even cry

And bid you goodbye

We die in how and why

With nobody to buy

The story of our how and why

Then why do we sigh

For those; who are not even going to say goodbye!?!

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8 3

Meaning to say this since long

But I have kept it hidden for long

I know its really been long

To get along

Its also wrong

Since its been so long

And you are already along

With somebody since longBut Ive been meaning to say this since long

Even if its wrong

Im gonna be strong

Not gonna take long

And say it without taking any long

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8 4

I dont know why I am in the middle of this or that!

I dont know why Ive to always select this or that!

I dont see any point of this or that!

Why cant life be simpler and not this or that?!?

Is it, this or that?

Are you, this or that?

What are you going to be, this or that?

What are you going to do, this or that?What is it like, this or that?

Do you want, this or that?

This or that?

This or that!

A little here n there

That or this!?!

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8 5

What I really want

Its not that I do not want

That what is everybodys want

I have a personal want

And that want

Accompanied with everybodys want

Is what I really want!

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8 6

I do not fear

To lose my dear

As it is clear

That he was only near

When I had no fear

But my dear

Has to bear

My fear

So please be clear

And do not come near

Till you have the fear

Of not being able to bear my fear

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87

It doesnt make sense

Typing this nonsense

And breaking the dense

Intact fence

Just to advance

The romance

Which per chance

Would be my last chanceDo I need the dance

To be in glance?

I dont need your nonsense

To make my own sense

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8 8

I dont really get it

I thought this was it

But who really thought that this would be it

I mean I always wanted this to be like it

But when I got this I dont really like it

And now everything I wanted is it

Im asking myself; is it?But, this is it!

What is it!?!

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8 9

The pretty ladies flaunting their pretty purses

Beneath a lot of make up they hide their creases

She walks like a bride

To maintain her family's pride

Her kids are making a mess

But she doesn't seem in stress

She has spent a lot over her outfit

She also knows how to flaunt itShe would buy dresses that wouldn't fit

As she wants to maintain it

She says she will take time out to hit the gym

But she knows it that it's her whim

Her husband has a lot of dollars

But, her dream is manipulating under his orders

She is always smiling

But, you don't see the hidden wailing

She loves him so much

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123/140

9 0

Throughout my whole course of life, I always wanted somebody to appreciate me

for who I am! I always had to be a little like this or a little like that for everybody,

be it parents or friends or family or anybody! I was always looking for a "some-

body very special", but, the search of it was really depressing for quite a lot of

time! I came across so many guys who always liked me for who I was not, the

times I was seeming perfect, I was appreciated, and when I said about the things I

don't know or things I wanted to always do, they would turn away and be all jerky.

I was so disappointed with the progress that I thought of totally stopping the

search. I just assumed that there was nobody who could be my "special some-

body"! I started believing that I would end up single forever.

Then, I came across this amazing guy whom I really liked but I didn't know if

he would like me for my pretension or he would like me for my small little flaws?

Was he just liking my smile or even my upset cry? Does he just love me when I'm

in the perfect attire or the love doesn't change with clothes? He gave me time, and

he also appreciated my dreams! He wanted to help me with everything I needed.

He accepted me with my flaws, rather appreciated them. He loved me so precisely,

just the way I wanted my "somebody very special" to love me! It progressed fast,

from chats, and texts, to phone calls, initially an hour then half nights, then a day

well spent, the unplanned quick meet and there are many more times to still come

with this sweetheart of mine. I'm so very scared to loose him. I just hope that it

never ever happens. I want to be with him forever, lie in his arms, feel secured, fon-

dle his really tiny hair, love him so much and be loved by him more than that!

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Sweetheart, you are my "special somebody". Thank you so much for coming

into my life and making such a beautiful difference to it!

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91

She came to me, her troubled eyes made me wonder, she tried to make me laugh

as it was my big day. But, somewhere amidst those lines on her face was grief,

somewhere in her eyes were lot of tears just waiting to flow. She didn't want to up-

set all of us with her sad story, but, we all knew what she was going through. She is

the sweetest of all the women I know, she has never done anything mean, why

God was doing this to her? She is my dearest, I wanted to be there to provide a

shoulder, but she wasn't ready to cry! She always said she was fine, but she was just

presenting with multiple physical ailments because of hiding all that she was going

through. I want her to be away from all this mess, and I know of a way. But, that

way is just socially disgraceful. So she is in that mess from so many years and will

continue being there till she is no more with us. Why does society have to be so

harsh? Why does it have to talk? Why are women subjected to disgrace, whereas

men can get away easy??

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9 2

There can be things that bother me

And to share them out loud is not me

You may blame me

For something I may not have done as me

I may share it with you to defend me

But I would never really have done what I was accused of doing; that's so not

me

If you consider me true; then you know me

If not; I still feel the same for you: that's me

I would never dislike you for blaming me

But I cannot see anybody harrowed at me

That's not me!

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9 3

It is really sad to know that you are and you always will be alone. No matter how

many people are there to care or share your time and love but, they always draw a

line to drag you to your loneliness. They always make you realise that you are an

add-on, someone they're lucky to have when they are down and want a shoulder,

but also someone who is difficult to maintain. How queer these things are, rather

these people!

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94

Like a waste paper

She feels

When she was with her loved ones

They thought she needs other loved ones to care for her when they are not

around

When she found somebody to love her differently

They made her move with that somebody she loved

Then the new somebody, tried to make things work so that she could have a liv-

able atmosphere

But amidst those tries he forgot to look for the things that knowingly or unknow-

ingly hurt her just like with her previous loved ones

He thought that the way he thinks is the best suited for her

She tried to explain him a lot of times why was it that she still wasnt happy

even with that amount of love and care

He kind of understood when she was in tears

But the very next day, the same thing would be rolling out all day long

He would promise that he wouldnt repeat

And also say that hes just human

And is prone to err

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But well he forgets

Shes no God

With limitless mercy

But, this is a womans life

Passes in pleasing the loved ones and forgiving and forgetting the errs

She is said to have had a successful life

If she has smiling faces at her home

But who in a million knows

The wound of her heart that she hides

After giving a million chances to the ones she cares about to care for her in the

way she wants

She just realizes that its a waste of time

We all are that somebody to our mothers, wives or daughters

But what they really want is to be in charge of their own selves

They are sweet little angels

Dont damage them by deciding their course of life

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9 5

I sat on this undesired journey just coz of the comfortable car which i was be-

ing offered, I hopped in the car and immediately felt home, but then peoplestarted filling in this car after certain intervals and the car would stop on its own to

pick them up, though I was the first one in the car, still the car wouldn't listen just

to me!! Anyways, these people were good by heart, and soul. But, theyweren'tsomebody I knew from long and it was so difficult to get along with them, how

much ever they tried making me comfortable. The journey was really long so I

started feeling a lot more stressed, that at first it wasn't something I wanted to take

up heartily. The reason why I took it up heartily, was not there any longer: a com-

fortable lonely car. Third, the people in the car were feeling uncomfortable coz of

my actions and so was I. But, I cant leave the car; all I can do is wait for the jour-

ney to end as it is a deserted path and lot of wild animals outside just waiting to sa-

vour me.

I am just waiting for God to enter in this car! As surely He has the power to

make this journey better for everyone!

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9 6

Every one has a story to tell and a story to hide, Charlie Chaplin laughed out loud

but had a deep sad person inside! Why do people judge on what you present then?

You might be presenting hurt and hiding joy and vice versa! All quote a million

things but they necessarily don't mean that! Why do people judge you then?!?

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97

Nowadays I don't even bother if people hurt me in someway, because I know God will

take care of the pain I felt in the entire process: someday! Sometimes some people say

things in a wrong way at a wrong time: the hurt is irreversible and the pang is untreat-

able; but, they never even think for a second the repercussions of each word they said.

I do feel the immense pain when someone hurts me, but I don't answer them back or

build up revenge. I know God is going to give me my share of justice sometime. Even

sharing my pain never gave me such a relief as putting my faith in Him gave me! I

don't want to share and be taken wrong for taking others wrongly all the time, I just

want to be myself and want Him to judge me.

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9 8 - T H O U G H T S

Jubilation is only possible when you have worked for it!

Inspiration is not void of source

But, devoid of attitude

Love has not fared as yet,

I dont understand,How successful love stories exist??

Lust is,

Body-soul

Person-individuality

Love story-love

Desire-dream

Passion-emotion

Death-pain!

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I gotta reach the zenith!

What am I doing here?

Long way to go still,

I better hurry up!

Death had no reason

To part us

Life had no reason

To join us

It was just the damn destiny

That made us meet.

I am reinventing sarcasm

What are you waiting for??

To get showered!!

Premonitions are not abstract facts

Maybe someday we come to know

That physics was just Einsteins hallucination

Fantasies, fancies and whims dont carry me anywhere

I just believe on the fact!!

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The only process which made me crazy

Was of observing your mood disorders

There came a time when I felt

Shattering is better than reuniting!!

Though, mesmerizing with your goodness;

Gave me a shock

But, I was traumatized

By the psychiatrist!

Love made its way to me

But I hurdled through the pit

My dumbness manifested in your evils?

Unaccepted apologies result in conspiracies and piracy

The mind races for hatred

While,

The heart just forgets!

Greed and envy towards me;

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Marked its way through your words

I always loved you

But you never gave me a chance;

To shove it;

Coz u always misinterpreted me!

Dont matter if sometimes you are literally understand-ed

To be understood there is some gap you need to fill

You didnt see me when I was passing through the shades of grey to green

I dont understand,

How people hurt others and dont even experience an inch of pain,

And also never regret,

And dont even try replacing them in their places and experiencing it!

Seriously, its too difficult to understand men!!

What if spring doesnt last long?

Every winter,

I keep on desiring,

The return of spring!

Pleasure without pain; is adopted!

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Love in strain,

Is like stress breaking limit for sex!

People with false attitude,

Dont please me!

It was that involvement that someone regretted,

But I reminisced

As for once I thought it was bliss..

But the society still thinks it useless, unless I have a permit

If thats the case,

I am an animal!

Volumes of my love

And masses of your lust

Spoiled the density of our relationship

I always had the love

And craved for you

You accredited it as LUST

And blamed me reasonlessly!

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My covet for you on this day-

may Jehovah eschew all disconsolateness from your life and grant you Ely-

sium of euphoria!

May God extol an unprecedented hallucinate that you vigil only the glints of

the coming year!

Countless emotions

Praiseworthy losses

Immense grudges

Damned thoughts

Gave birth to Revenge in my heart

I dont appreciate people who testify falsely

Though I may be wrong;

I have enough confidence to prove you not correct

Guilty conscious and

Faltering behavior

Is the attitude of cheats

Just thought that if you never occurred in my life as such a drastic phenomena,

my life wouldnt be much envious then. Thanks for making me desirable!

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Tantrums of your love, smiles of your cruelty, gait of your unpredictability, fall

of your esteemed status, made you a disaster to be loved ungratefully

I just wish I had a day more to express my views, my dislikes, my thoughts

about your smell, your hair and your shoes, and that your bags leather stinks; but

Im too busy with my work and I dont have time for critical appraisal. Rule out

backbiting!!

P.S-its just an anti-gossip statement

We cannot love and be limited!!

Lie, over end!

End over, lie!!

Over end, lie!!!

Kudos to camaraderie

Gross mistake for having regarded you as one,

When, you always meant none!

I wished for a day that we get back right,

But, I am happy for once that some of my wishes dont come true!!

There is a crime, a criminal, and a story: but the listeners are many; and the

presentation to each is slightly altered- what can the judgment rest on??

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I wish I could make you mine

If I knew it were to shine

Even without claiming

We could be sharing and caring

People sometimes forget when to stop hovering over other people's lives!

reflections-dr. rukhsar vankani

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