portfolio - hello poem
TRANSCRIPT
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Table of Contents
Poem 1Context (Located within the Final Version Folder) ................................................................ 1
Poem 2Day One (Located within the Final Version Folder) .............................................................. 3
Poem 3Day Two (Located within the Final Version Folder).............................................................. 5
Poem 4Day Three (Located within the Final Version Folder)............................................................ 7
Poem 5Day Four (Located within the Final Version Folder) ............................................................. 9
Poem 6 Day Five (Located within the Final Version Folder) .............................................................. 13
Poem 7Day Six (Located within the Final Version Folder).............................................................. 18
Poem 8Day Seven (Located within the Final Version Folder) ......................................................... 21
Development Document for Hello Poems ............................................................................................ 23
Proposal ............................................................................................................................................ 23
Planning Questions ........................................................................................................................... 25
Rhythm ............................................................................................................................................. 26
Mood................................................................................................................................................. 26
Structure ........................................................................................................................................... 26
Poem 1 .......................................................................................................................................... 26
Poem 2 .......................................................................................................................................... 27
Poem 3 & 4 .................................................................................................................................... 28
Poem 5 .......................................................................................................................................... 28
Poem 6 .......................................................................................................................................... 29
Interaction between Poem 5 & 6 .................................................................................................. 29
Challenging for Completion ............................................................................................................. 30
Poem Development ............................................................................................................................... 31
Poem 1 .............................................................................................................................................. 32
Poem 2 .............................................................................................................................................. 37
Poem 3 & 4 ....................................................................................................................................... 44
Poem 5 .............................................................................................................................................. 49
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Poem 6 .............................................................................................................................................. 55
Poem 7 .............................................................................................................................................. 62
Poem 8 .............................................................................................................................................. 70
Nightfall Stanza ................................................................................................................................ 70
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Poem 1Context
Virgin tarmac
leather clad cab
brace of BMWs sat
purring in silence
each one of two halves
lions perched
A landing gallery
lit crystal centrally
canvass fake Monet
at the head of the breast
accented by swirls
magnolia the rest
Success reaps five bedrooms
two master en suites
fitted kitchen diner
a prized centre piece
halls domestic highway
channel the nouveau riche
Dyson arrives each Saturday
coasters sit symmetrically
when a pin drops its a library
a museum hall more specifically
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its not a nested tree
nor a home for three
Champagne aperitif
almond digestif
Remi snow-capped evening
reaps careless revelry
passion producing patter
despair and disbelief
Exchanging child care
importing cheap au pair
exchange rates brought demise
import P forty five
exchanging cheap au pair
importing parent care
Like ninja
Frost assumes control
Makes stalagmite grass
Makes nail bed
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Poem 2Day One
Baby cries
mother lies
alarm tries
to shake awake the dead
yet instead
offers more pain
to Gail who doesnt sleep
to Harry as he weeps
mummy
he cannot say her name
Baby lies
mother cries
alarm dies
forgotten, foreboding
exposing
neglect and shame
an oath she couldnt keep
distraught in disbelief
mummy
mummy never came
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Baby cries
mother lies
daddy sighs
exiled to pay the debt
gets upset
leery of Gail
her face no perfect lie
sad smiles lament goodbye
daddy
living gets more travail
Baby cries
mother tries
shock denies
parental sympathy
but apathy
Harrys arms complain
no milk, blue bloodshot eyes
tot fat, lost waif in size
daddy
mummy is not the same
Car bonnet
Draws frozen heart
Shrinking to kidney
To pea
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Poem 3Day Two
Wall shattered plate
Venom angered state
Frustration
Blinds lapping tight
Lack social appetite
Isolation
Pure airborne pearl
Prize shot put twirl
Raging Bull
Split baked bean can
Blood stained pan
Affliction
No verdurous face
No swan like grace
Demeaning
Black eyes well deep
Slate walls that creep
Distressful
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Digital hands
Rotate slothfully
Beyond 00:00
Fatigued
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Poem 4Day Three
Mono tooth bite
Skin fed cot mite
Frustration
Discarded silk
Disparate ilk
Isolation
Yelling bantam
Lacking balsam
Raging Bull
Four finger brand
Fresh crimson hand
Affliction
Cattle clad scent
Wastefuel spent
Demeaning
Bloated red cheeks
Wine-legged tear streaks
Distressful
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Red faced sun
Tagged moon
Elbows on rope
Exhausted
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Poem 5Day Four
Fifteen Years of
company service
I get passed out in
pain with a
scarred
split
swollen cervix
a gift of
blood and
shitty nappies
Shut up
I have only just started
Im left with bags like
Billys circus
cramps
ODing on
prescription circles
but just like you they
abuse me
I cant cure it
Get off me
I said
I dont even
give a shit
I cant even
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look at it
nor do I wish to
sit and cuddle
this
Shut up shut up
I cannot think
You never asked me
how I felt
its you and you your
bloody self
again you asked me to
concede
to love you with my
breast
to feed
A Pinch
wont force apology
A Smack
wont sit you
quietly
but to harm has proved
good relief
as I flood
my grief
alone
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No Barry to count
the days the nights
your rotting bags of
baby sick and
soiled sheets
because
youre weak
when you sleep
You
foul
filthy
naughty boy
before you start
your crying hearts
my knackered dream
because you see
I wanted more than
seven pounds
of ginger boy
with skin too fair
to cope
with British
summer warmth
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I kid you not
I will start to
shake
Ill shake and shake
until you see
your life
Its affecting me
Barn bats
Bat black
Catch moth
Hang
Gail hated not
this
Harry child
but hated chance
circumstance
no time
no question
no reconciliation
mummy hated not
her
Harry child
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Poem 6 Day Five
Harry cannot
understand
mummys mood
her ranting feud
woven straps around his
wrist
hes less than one
Silent digits pluck at
hate
scratch despair from
black
finger hope from tight
knot
its all but gone
Rubbing red anger from
blue eyes
tearing frustration from
ginger locks
clawing out life in strips of
skin
Harrys consolation
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Sometimes a little
refugee
a sailor lost away at
sea
an innocent
a prisoner
chained
solitary
A questioning brow
shepherds vibration
sensing variation
virtuous
vile
hes almost one
Snail tracks slalom
on his chin
blight ridden vest
continuum
delta ceasing
merging
homogenising
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The pain of pinch
reality
Harrys tear-delta
floods towns
to sea
killing family
Gentle tap
forearm smash
ear-side clap
full face slap
theyre all
smack
are all
same
Harry tried
not
to be the same
not to cry
expressing
pain
not to
drown folks
in Delta-town
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He couldnt
help
he couldnt
stop
pressure too great
mummys
clop
fell on his back
and then
again
He shouted out to
everyone
he
shouted out
until shed
gone
until shed
reasoned
Im his mum
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Ginger Hunter
Trots to pounce
Eyeballs marble
Voracious
Gail stood
shadowing
her arms
crane before
key
she tore
straps
tenderly interrupting
Harrys cry
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Poem 7Day Six
Sun beams
spectrums of light
carry love
carry life
Charging electrons
excite plasma
explode colour
vibrate paper
Laptops provide
flight
hotel
embrace
Orbiting satellite
transporting daddy
forming family
creating chance
True lips spill truth
pain purges to a bellow
releasing
cleansing
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Grief in transit
disfigures copper
tearing
bleeding
Guilt chokes the air
straw sucks a marble
stretching
warping
Honesty a catalyst for
cataclysm
scales of depression
ease anticlockwise
Compassionate Brian
hope
help
happiness
Anxious Brian
heartache
helplessness
horror
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Hundred watt
Moon illuminates
White cliffs
Hope
Plague like
riddled
cotton sore
peeled away
before
running taps
pour water
not too hot
elbows gauged
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Poem 8Day Seven
Doorstep cream
lifts silver
rolled headlines
embed plastic
Brians mothers eyes
demist
nostril
steamed
glass
Grey purple
veined hand
shields sunlight
grey purple
veined other
calls
rrrat a tat
tat
Wise plumage
steady bough
embraces Gail
clown
less paint
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Himalayan black
fluxes
raw and painful
pure and shameful
life
Liver spotted
melanin
stained hands
pilot
half inch
red silicone
implants
Tickling Salmon
scooping
embracing
reassuring
Harry
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Development Document for Hello Poems
Proposal
Module Production & Creativity
Genre Poetry
Title Hello
The Plot Baby Harry is left to fend for himself as his Mother deals withPost Natal Depression. The [happy] family are signed off by the
health visitor leaving Harry vulnerable and unaware of
impending change.
Setting Wealthy suburbia, middle class neighbourhood, a BMW family,career driven husband and wife, Christmas and Birthdays
devoid of contribution due to a buy any time life style. Husband Barry works away on the oil rigs; 4 weeks on 4 weeks
off
Wife Gail a Finance Director of a fledgling retail businessBackground A The Overzealous Christmas spirit of 2008 gifted them Harry,
the cutest, chubbiest, curliest ginger haired and green eyed boy
you could imagine.
The overzealous Christmas spirit of 2008 gifted Gail and Barry,disappointment, dismay, fear and doubt.
Autumn 2009 for Gail and Barry was, cloudy, dark, andthunderous; with no sunshine forecast.
Autumn for Harry was, bright, new, full of colour, shapesmoved and when he touched he felt. His world was no longer a
warm pool it was a cold wide open and frightening place.
Christmas of 2009 for Gale was lonely and impossible.Ambition To raise the point that PND is a condition that affects all social
classes.
Illustrate how the condition can change lives. Create a piece of work that leaves the reader, concerned, caring,
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wanting to reach out and finally wondering.
Structure Scene setting Poem 7 poems giving a daily account of life from Harrys perspective
in what became the worst week of his life.
Yet to decide Stanza and Metre design. see elegiac couplets
Poem 1 Suburbia description
Poem 2 First day, introducing the plight of Harry, Gail and Barry.
Poem 3 Second day based on Mum Gails experiences and feelings written
in descriptors that are poignant and provoking.
Poem 4 Third day describing Baby Harrys experience, conditions and
feelings written in descriptors that are poignant and provoking.
Poem 5 Forth day focussing on paranoiac anger of the situation but raising
concern about resultant abuse that arises.
Poem 6 Fifth day where we get to understand [from Harrys perspective]
Harrys plight. I would like this to reflect how he interacts with the
situation and surroundings. This will be difficult as he cannot talk
and so a subtly different approach to poem 5 will be necessary.
Poem 7 Sixth day is for light to enter the situation and allow the family to
recognise there is a problem and reach out for help.
Poem 8 A conclusion poem that [without repeating issues] seeks to
underline the difficulty of PND but introduces help, support
networks and the happy ending that is waiting. Let this be through
the experience of the family.
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Planning Questions
How long will the reader remain engaged for due to the subject matter? How long can I engage the reader for and what do I need to get right to achieve this? How shall I manage the mood and emotional tug-of-war so as not to switch the reader off? What scansion is best to support the flow? How shall I denote the passage of time
o Do I use same per stanza? Shall I use parenting activities for aspect of a poem? Are the poems only by day or are some at night? How can I use different poems to punctuate the work? How many stanzas per poem shall I use, fixed, variable, mood dependant? Shall I include actual baby sounds into the lines, what is the challenge here? Will it work writing from Harrys perspective?
o A baby has limited vocabulary.o Good for emotional pull if done well.
Should it be written as an observer reporting back?o Full ability to construct understanding and the emotional battle
How do I form shape arft from this work and display all poems side by side? Can I write a statement that define and capture the work and where each word represents that poem, the
word itself becoming a title for the poem?
Can some of the poems work as punctuations in the defining sentence?
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Rhythm
The rhythm of this work will be derived from the mood created by the words and the structure of the stanza. It is
vital that I get these exactly right to ensure the reader engages in the work and has a desire to read to the end.
MoodThe graph below attempts to illustrate a number of credible options for the emotional mood of the work and
anticipated emotional reflection of the reader. It is important not to switch off the reader because the mood is too
dark or not reflective of the subject matter. It is not my intention to depress the reader not to make light of the
issues raised and plight of the family.
The most credible to write around is the, Captured Decline, which, if written and structured correctly, should
pull the reader into a fast emotional concern, causing them to need to find out how the family are (i.e. continue
to read more even though they may not be comfortable with the subject). Hope follows as the decline is
managed over two poems, if you like punctuating the fall, offering re-assurance to the reader until, what could,
be an unexpected turn puls the reader to a more negative emotional feeling. The work should finish on a
credible, although negative, position that is stable. I aim to leave the reader with concern but hope for the family
-5
-4
-3
-2
-1
01
2
3
4
5
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8
IndicativeEmotional
Direction
Stanza
Mood Options - Hello
Progressive Decline Captured Decline Harsh Decline Most Postive Outcome
StructureI will use varied scansion for the phases of the story to adjust pace and emphasise the words in order to control
the emotional volume of the phases of the work.
Poem 1
6 line stanza with no set rhyming pattern or set scansion
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Poem 2
I have proposed a mainly short syllable scansion to create impact and pace. With respect to pace there are
significant changes as I attempt to pull and pull the reader like the sea rolling in and out on the beach.
Line syllables scanison aim
L1
L2
L3
4 uu| uu A Short blunt and sharp introduction to engage the
reader, slapping them around the cheeks.
L4 6 Stanza 1 & 3
uu| uu| uu
Stanza 2 & 4
uU| uU
Stanza 1&3 scanison aims to trot the reader into L5
from the blunt start with the aim that despite the
context there is a lift in the mood (however, this lift
is false and only as a result of the pattern)
Stanza 2&4 do not afford the same lift as 1 & 3 but
aims to develop a more thought provoking pattern
that emphasises the message of L3 and sets a
platform for L5.
L5 4 -U Acts as punctuation itself, a comma in the follow.
Also the aim here is to create a standstill with
which to pull the reader from and into the moving,
emotional message of the remainder of the Stanza.
L6 4 U| U Another quick pace but have been flexible with
pace of the syllables accepting the challenge of
forcing unsuitable words and that long syllables
can also deliver pace.
L7
L8
6 U| U| U Hopefully I will use short syllables here to give a
fast pace that will almost contradict the message of
the line but will leave the reader boxed as the
emotional words are read.
L9 2 uu Here I am trying to create a colon with a single pair
of short syllables, this will hopefully underline and
bold the word that sets up the final message.
L10 6 -UU I have opted for a long syllable followed by 2 short
(where possible) to prolong a defining message on
the last line aiming to leave the reader
contemplating the words.
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Poem 3 & 4
These will need to be fast pace, faster than poem 1, to effectively pull the reader yet again, getting key messages
across without delay. Each should consist of a single stanza [mainly of descriptors] and have no more than ten
lines. Da da da da, da da da da, dadada could work giving a scansion;
line scanison Aim
L1 uu| uu|
L2 uu| uu|
L3 uuu Profound and prolonging the descriptor
L4 uu| uu|
L5 uu| uu|
L6 uuu
L7 uu| uu|
L8 uu| uu|
L9 uuu
Poem 5
This needs to be a tempo higher than the previous three and one with a structure that can support an argument
style of lyric,
Perhaps
Daa da da | daa da da,| (-| -U) or
da da da da da (uu uu u)
and
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daa da da da da| daa da da da (- uu uu| - uu u) or
da da da da da (uu uu u)
I will try to develop 2 stanzas that have 12 lines each
This is the emotional low of the work and will need thought provoking pattern and will finish with a 3 rd stanza
of slow, mainly long syllable words to conclude a spiralling journey.
Result
I am concerned that the work may fail itself if every poem is one thats descriptive and structured . When I came
to develop poem 5 the work was in danger of suffering from repetition, the same aspects described in different
ways.
I was also concerned about the lack of personality and how I get the reader to connect, positively or negatively,with the Mother and Baby. In attempt to keep the work alive and to create relationships I have changed my
approach to both poem 5. I shall write a fast pace ranting tirade that Gail gives, the house, the nursery and
Harry. It will hopefully leave the reader understanding her plight but with questions about the level of neglect
Harry has.
I shall not set a structure or a determined length, I will instead write freestyle as see how I can convert this to
stand not too out of place in the work. In addition to creating relationships between the reader Gail and Harry I
need to be bear in mind the ambition of the mood plot, at this stage the work is still creating a negative mood
and so the lyrics need to reflect this.
Poem 6
If the freestyle approach works for Poem 5 I might repeat this from Harrys perspective, the problem here is
how to achieve the same sense and feeling when Harry cannot speak and whos thoughts will not be conceivably
accurate.
So the challenge is to create a structure [and words] that is again fast pace as we land the mood plot at its lowest
point and I believe for this I will adopt a freestyleperhaps the biggest challenge is the lyrics and how to avoid
repetition whilst progressing the issues, the environment and Harrys wellbeing.
Interaction between Poem 5 & 6
How can I introduce interaction between poems 5 & 6? What I mean is, should there be any physical or verbal
abuse in poem 5 how can I get Harry to react to this at the same place in the Poem or stanza, (e.g. Mummy yells
in poem 5, Harry cries as a result in poem 6)?
This gets particularly tricky if writing in freestyle where the structure doesnt provide regular patterns and
breaks.
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Challenging for Completion
How will I challenge each piece?
I will check each line, couplets, stanza, entire poems and the work in its entirety for
Structure Flow Punctuation Rhyme Sense Clarity versus abstract Engagement Delivering ambitions, as individual poems and as completed work
The challenge will be done as we develop the work in the sections of the document dedicated to each poem.
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Poem Development
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Poem 1Date 30 September 2010
15 October 2010
Piece Hello Poem 1
Ambition
To build a world that is typical of a professional working couple where cash flow raises no concerns. Create an image which you would question whether children had a place, or rather the parents had no time for children. This poem will be used to pivot and pitch the perfect, against the, impossible worlds
Situation Statements
2 working professionals who find themselves expecting an unplanned child. Husband Barry works away Wife Gail was unfortunate to lose her job and thrown into being a full time mum
Work Challenge
Stanza 1.1
Virgin Tar Mac
Leather clad cab
A brace of pearlescent BMW sat
Purring in silence
Each one of two halves
Lions perched, protecting
Virgin Tar Mac
Leather clad cab
A brace of pearlescent BMW sat
Purring in silence
Each one of two halves
Lions perched
Stanza1.2
A landing gallery
Lit crystal centrally
Faking Monet
At the head of the breast
Accented by swirls
Magnolia the rest
A landing gallery
Lit crystal centrally
Canvass fake Monet
at the head of the breast
Accented by swirls
Magnolia the rest
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Stanza 1.3
Success reaps five bedrooms
Two master on suites
To the west more bathrooms
An upstairs complete
Merge 3&4
Success reaps five bedrooms
Two master on suites
Fitted kitchen diner
A prized centre piece
Hall, a domestic highway
Channels the nouveau riche
Stanza 1.4
Fitted kitchen diner
A prized centre piece
A hall, domestic motorway
Channels the nouveau riche
Stanza 1.5
The hoover arrives on Wednesday
And every other Saturday
The mower in British summertime
The roses pruned just in time
Merge 5 & 6
Pink Dyson arrives each Saturday
Coasters sit symmetrically
When a pin drops its a library,
a museum hall, but more specifically
its not a nested tree
nor a home for three.
Stanza 1.6
Coasters sit symmetrically
When a pin drops its a library
A museum hall, but its clear to see
There are no signs of family.
Conception & birth
Champagne aperitif
Almond digestive
A Remi snow-capped evening
reaps careless revelry
Passion producing patter
Despair and disbelief
Champagne aperitif
Almond digestive
A Remi snow-capped evening
reaps careless adult revelry
Passion producing patter
Despair and disbelief
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1. Need to have conception &birth
2. Need to have Gail lose her job
3.
Need to hint on the decline inGails mental health
Child care and losing job
Exchanging child care
Importing cheap au pair
Exchange in market share
Imports P45
Exchanging cheap au pair
Importing home child care.
Or
Importing cheap au pair
Exchanging child care
Exchange in market share
Imports P45
Importing home child care.
Exchanging cheap au pair
or
Exchanging child care
Importing cheap au pair
Exchange rates brought demise
Import P forty fives
Exchanging cheap au pair.
Importing parent care
Date 16 October 2010 Piece Hello Poem 1
Work Challenge
Stanza 1.1
Virgin Tar Mac
Leather clad cab
A brace of pearlescent BMW sat
Purring in silence
Each one of two halves
Lions perched
Stanza1.2
A landing gallery
Lit crystal centrally
Canvass fake Monet
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at the head of the breast
Accented by swirls
Magnolia the rest
Stanza 1.3
Success reaps five bedrooms,
two master on suites.
Fitted kitchen diner
a prized centre piece.
Hall, a domestic highway,
channels the nouveau riche.
Stanza 1.4
Dyson arrives each Saturday
Coasters sit symmetrically
When a pin drops its a library,
a museum hall, but more specifically,
its not a nested tree,
nor a home for three.
Stanza 1.5
Champagne aperitif
Almond digestive
A Remi snow-capped evening
reaps careless revelry
Passion producing patter,
despair and disbelief
Stanza 1.6
Importing parent care
Exchanging child care
Importing cheap au pair
Exchange rates brought demise
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Import P forty fives
Exchanging cheap au pair
Stanza 1.7
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Poem 2Date 01 October 2010 Piece Hello Poem 2
Ambition
Create a bounce from blue chip suburbia. Quickly set the scene that all is not well Have the reader concerned for the whole family, but particularly the baby
Situation Statements
The first time mother didnt come well called Daddy is working away Mum my is falling ~(emotionally in free fall) Mummy is not communicating well with Daddy Baby is hungry, confused, frightened
Work Challenge
Stanza 2.1
A Mother cries
A Baby lies
Alarm tries
to shake awake the dead,
yet instead-
offers more pain
to Gail who doesnt sleep,
to Harry when he weeps.
Mummy.
He cannot say his name.
Change L1 & 2 around so Baby comes first (for all stanzas.
L3 Alarm works in 2 ways, clock and personal
Change L8 when to as to give a sense of crying now and not just occasionally.
Am I happy with the punctuation in all stanzas?
Does the scansion work?
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Stanza2.2
A Mother lies
A Baby Cries
Alarm dies
forgotten, foreboding,
exposing-
neglect and shame,
an oath she couldnt keep,
distraught in disbelief.
Mummy.
Mummy, never came.
L10 will need a pause after Mummy, to keep the scansion firm.
Stanza 2.3
A Mother Lies
As Baby cries
Daddy sighs
exiled to pay the debt
gets upset-
absence he blames,
Gail accumulating tears,
Harry imposing fears.
Daddy.
He cannot see his face
L7 & L8 need to change, the rhythm is wrong and too fast to the point the meaning and
emotion is lost.
L10 not sure if the focus here should be on Daddy, too early. Refocus on Mummy.
Stanza 2.4
A baby cries
A Mother tries
Shock denies
parental sympathy
but apathy-
his eyes complain,
no milk, it seems today
no milk, my hunger stays.
Daddy.
Re-write L7&L8, it seems to cheapen the message, amaturise it.
Does it work [almost] repeating the first 2 lines?
What else can?
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My strength is now my pain
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Date 02 October 2010 Poem Hello Poem 2
Work Challenge
Stanza 2.1
A Baby cries
A Mother lies
Alarm tries
to shake; awake the dead,
yet instead
offers more pain
to Gail who doesnt sleep
to Harry as he weeps.
Mummy.
He cannot say his name.
Stanza 2.2
A Baby lies
A Mother Cries
Alarm dies
forgotten, foreboding,
exposing
neglect and shame,
an oath she couldnt keep,
distraught in disbelief.
Mummy.
Mummy, never came.
Stanza 2.3
As Baby cries
a Mother lies
Daddy sighs
exiled to pay the debt
gets upset,
absence he blames
his Gail, yielding tears
Added young to L8 for balance as spawning has less syllables
The flow from L5 to 6 would benefit from smoothing out as other stanza. (his absence to
blame), would help the pure rhyme with L10 but is an extra syllable.
Not happy
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young Harry, spawning fears.
Daddy.
Mummy is not the same.
Stanza 2.4
A baby cries
A Mother tries
Shock denies
parental sympathy
but apathy,
his eyes complain,
no milk; tear swollen eyes
tummies wizen in size.
Daddy.
evil screams drive me insane
L6 to L10 is this lumpy? Does it work?
L8 reflects both Mummy and Baby not eating.
L10 His changed to evil to represent hallucinations and mums state of mind.
Not happy
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Date 12 October 2010 Poem Hello Poem 2
Work Challenge
Stanza 2.1
A Baby cries
A Mother lies
Alarm tries
to shake; awake the dead,
yet instead
offers more pain
to Gail who doesnt sleep
to Harry as he weeps.
Mummy.
He cannot say his name.
A Baby cries
A Mother lies
Alarm tries
To shake; awake the dead,
yet instead
offers more pain
to Gail who doesnt sleep,
to Harry as he weeps.
Mummy.
He cannot say her name.
Stanza 2.2
A Baby lies
A Mother Cries
Alarm dies
forgotten, foreboding,
exposing
neglect and shame,
an oath she couldnt keep,
distraught in disbelief.
Mummy.
Mummy, never came.
A Baby lies
A Mother Cries
Alarm dies
Forgotten, foreboding,
exposing
neglect and shame,
an oath she couldnt keep,
distraught in disbelief.
Mummy.
Mummy, never came.
Stanza 2.3
As Baby cries
a Mother lies
Daddy sighs
exiled to pay the debt
gets upset,
absence he blames
his Gail, yielding tears
New
As baby cries
A Mother lies
Daddy sighs.
Exiled to pay the debt
Gets upset
Leery of Gail
her face, no perfect lie
As baby cries
A Mother lies
Daddy sighs
Exiled to pay the debt,
gets upset,
leery of Gail,
her face no perfect lie
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young Harry, spawning fears.
Daddy.
Mummy is not the same.
Sad smiles lament goodbye
Daddy.
Life gets more travail (living)
Sad smiles lament goodbye
Daddy.
Living gets more travail
Stanza 2.4
A baby cries
A Mother tries
Shock denies
parental sympathy
but apathy,
his eyes complain,
no milk; tear swollen eyes
tummies wizen in size.
Daddy.
evil screams drive me insane
A baby cries
A Mother tries
Shock denies
parental sympathy
but apathy
Harrys eyes complain
No milk, blue blood shot eyes
Tot wrap, lost waif in size.
Daddy.
Mummy is not the same.
A baby cries
A Mother tries
Shock denies
parental sympathy
but apathy
Harrys arms complain
No milk, blue blood shot eyes
Tot fat, lost waif in size.
Daddy.
Mummy is not the same.
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Poem 3 & 4Date 04 October 2010 Poem Hello Poem 3 & 4
Ambition
To pull the reader into deeper emotional turmoil To portray a very sick Mother and a baby in need and at risk To do this quickly, with flashes of images
Situation Statements
Day 2 of our week Mother is not sleeping, is becoming a danger to herself The baby isnt being cared for and is neglected
Work Challenge
Poem 3
Too little sleep.
The black, the deep.
Owls hoot.
An airborne pearl.
A shot put whirl.
Raging bull.
A baked been can.
A blooded pan.
Perishable.
Lines 1 and 2 do not work at the level I
need, too obvious as a rhyme, too obvious
yet abstract on line 2.Owls hoot doesnt
work
Perishable is 4 syllables, not uu| uu| uu
not too concerned as I like the context and
inference.
Black eyes, well deep.
Slate walls that creep.
Nocturnal.
Pure airborne pearl.
Prize shot put twirl.
Raging bull.
Split baked bean can.
Poppy stained pan.
Perishable.
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Poem 3
Happier with this
Open question on Line 3is this right it
should be paranoia ?
Is the coincidental rhyme appropriate L3,6,9?
Are these all too abstract?
Black eyes, well deep.
Slate walls that creep.
Paranoia.
Pure airborne pearl.
Prize shot put twirl.
Raging bull.
Split baked bean can.
Poppy stained pan.
Perishable.
Why dont I mirror the experiences of
Mummy and Baby
Frustration
Isolation
Anger
Harm
Condition
Stressful
Poem 4
Discarded silk
Disparate ilk
Loneliness.
Desperate plea
Empathy he
Invisible
Bloated red cheeks
Wine legs delta streaks
Heart aching
Line 5 is enjambed with 6 and I am not sure
I want the roll on as its read, this is about
short sharp and blunt, although it works in
its own right.
Discarded silk
Disparate ilk
Loneliness.
Cattle clad scent.
Sooty; fuel spent.
Misfortune.
Bloated red cheeks
Wine-legged streaks
Heart aching
Poem 4
Will this work better with in a different order,
say L1-3 becoming L4-6?
How is the scansion supporting the lyrics?
L8 changed to help flow, better sense of
cheeks affected. Removed delta from delta-
streaks
Discarded silk
Disparate ilk
Loneliness.
Cattle clad scent.
Sooty; fuel spent.
Misfortune.
Why dont I mirror the experiences of
Mummy and Baby
Frustration
Isolation
Anger
Harm
Condition
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Are these all too abstract? Bloated red cheeks
Wine-legged streaks
Heart aching
Stressful
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Date 15 October 2010 Poem Hello Poem 3 & 4
Work Challenge
Poem 3
Wall shattered plate
Venom angered state
Frustration
Blinds lapping tight
Lack social appetite
Isolation
Pure airborne Pearl
Prize shot put twirl
Raging Bull
Split baked bean can.
Poppy stained pan.
affliction
No verdurous face
No swan like grace
demeaning
Black eyes, well deep.
Slate walls that creep.
Distressful
Split baked bean can.
Blood stained pan.
Iniquity
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Poem 4
Mono tooth bite
Skin fed cot mite
Frustration
Discarded Silk
Disparate Ilk
Isolation
Yelling Bantam
Lacking Balsam
Raging Bull
Four finger brand
Fresh crimson hand
affliction
Cattle clad scent.
Sooty; fuel spent.
Demeaning
Bloated red cheeks
Wine-legged tear streaks
Distressful
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Poem 5Date 04 October 2010 Poem Hello Poem 5
Ambition
Gail is yelling at Harry, at Absent Barry and the worldthe reader should know this The reader wants to calm her down, give her advice The reader suspects Harry is being physically hurt
Situation Statements
Gail is yelling at Harry, at Absent Barry and the world Harry can only sit and get dragged through the tirade
Work Challenge
Poem 5
15yrs of company service I get passed off in
pain with a scarred and split and swollen
Cervix. A gift of blood and shitty nappies.
Just shut up.
I have only just started.
I am left with bags like Billys Circus, with
cramps ODing on prescriptive circles given to
cure me, but just like you, they abuse me. I
cannot seem to cure it,
go away
I said
I just dont give a shit, I cannot even look at
you, nor do I wish to sit and cuddle you.
out not off
Prescription. Remove me
Double cure ?
Leave me not go away
I do not even not I just dont.
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shut up, shut up,
I cannot think, youve never asked me how I
felt, its you and you, your bloody self, again
you asked me to concede, to love you with my
breast to feed.
A
pinch,
wont force an apology, just as
A
smack
wont sit you quietly but to harm has proved a
good relief as I flood my grief alone withoutBarry to count the days and nights and rotting
bags of baby sick and soiled sheets because
your weak when you sleep.
You
fowl and
filthy
naughty boy.
Your petty plea your screaming dance before
you start that broken heart and shattered dream
is mine not yours because you see, I wanted
more that 7lbs of ginger boy with skin too fair
to cope with British summer warmth.
I kid you not I will start to shake,
it not you (start line). This not you (end line)
Remove an
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Ill shake and shake
Until you see that your life is now affecting
me
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Date 04 October 2010 Poem Hello Poem 5
Work Challenge
Poem 5
15yrs of company service I get passed
out in pain with a scarred and split and
swollen Cervix. A gift of blood and
shitty nappies.
Just shut up.
I have only just started.
I am left with bags like Billys Circus,
with cramps ODing on prescription
circles given to cure, but just like you,
they abuse me. I cannot seem to cure it,
Leave me
I said
I do not even give a shit, I cannot even
look at it, nor do I wish to sit and
cuddle this.
shut up, shut up,
I cannot think, youve never asked me
how I felt, its you and you, your
bloody self, again you asked me toconcede, to love you with my breast to
feed.
A
pinch,
15yrs of company service
I get passed out in pain
with a scarred and split
and swollen Cervix.
A gift of blood and shitty nappies.
Just shut up.
I have only just started.
I am left with bags like Billys
Circus,
with cramps ODing on prescription
circles
given to boost,
but just like you, they abuse me.
I cannot seem to cure it,
Leave me
I said
I do not even give a shit,
I cannot even look at it,
nor do I wish to sit and cuddle this.
shut up, shut up,
I cannot think,
youve never asked me how I felt,
its you and you, your bloody self,
again you asked me to concede,
How do I make this more poetry than narrative prose?
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wont force apology, just as
A
smack
wont sit you quietly but to harm has
proved a good relief as I flood my grief
alone without Barry to count the days
and nights and rotting bags of baby
sick and soiled sheets because your
weak when you sleep.
You
fowl and
filthy
naughtyboy.
Your petty plea your screaming dance
before you start that broken heart andshattered dream is mine not yours
because you see, I wanted more than
7lbs of ginger boy with skin too fair to
cope with British summer warmth.
I kid you not I will start to shake,
Ill shake and shake
Until you see that your life is now
affecting me
to love you with my breast to feed.
A
pinch
wont force apology, just as a
smack
wont sit you quietly
but to harm has proved a good relief
as I flood my grief alone
without Barry to count
the days and nights
and rotting bags of baby sick
and soiled sheets because your
weak-
when you sleep.
You
fowl and
filthy
naughty boy.
Your petty plea your screaming
dance
before you start that broken heart
and shattered dream
is mine
not yours
because you see,
I wanted more than 7lbs
of ginger boy with skin too fair to
cope
with British summer warmth.
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I kid you not I will start to shake,
Ill shake and shake
Until you see that your life is now
affecting me
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Poem 6Date 08 October 2010 Poem Hello Poem 6
Ambition
Harrys plea is the focus He tries to get his point across through any means he can Reader is willing him to succeed To get interaction with poem 5 as Gail gets physicalSituation Statements
Harry is strapped in his cot Harry tries to reconcile and remove the ties Harry looks neglected In a moment of sense Gail realises what Baby Harry looks like and the seriousness of the situation
Work Challenge
Poem 6
Harry cannot understand his
Mummys mood and
ranting feud.
Hes less than one
Its always been tough
But not like this with
Woven straps around his wrist
His time is spent with silent
digits plucking at hate from
within it,
scratching despair from its
black,
fingering hope out from the
knot.
Harry cannot understand his
Mummys mood and ranting feud.
Hes less than one.
Its always been tough but not like
this with woven straps around his
wrist
Silent digits plucking at hate
scratching despair from its black,
fingering hope from the knot.
He rubs away anger from his eyes
Tearing frustration from ginger
locks
Clawing out life in strips of skin
It feels ok.
How do I make this more poetry than narrative prose?
Are these all too abstract?
Harry cannot understand his
Mummys mood and ranting feud.
woven straps around his wrist
Hes less than one.
Silent digits plucking at hate
scratching despair from its black,
fingering hope from the knot.
Its all but gone
He rubs at anger in blue eyes
Tears frustration from ginger locks
Clawing out life in strips of skin
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He rubs away anger from his
eye
Tearing frustration from the
Locks
Clawing out life in strips of
Skin
It feels ok.
Sometimes a little refugee
A sailor lost, away at sea
His hand appearing through thebars
And a foot as if to defy
Or challenge metaphysically.
His brow seeks to question why
Whilst Sheparding vibration
Good or evil?
He can tell hes almost one.
Snail tracks slalom on his chin
and
His blight ridden vest
Their continuum
Their delta
Ceasing, merging
Homogenising
The pain of pinch
Reality
A delta floods and families lost
Pets ballooned, a slurred town
Consolatory
Sometimes a little refugee
a sailor lost, away at sea
A hand and a foot out past the bars
In defiance.
His brow seeks to question why and
Shepard vibration, Good or evil?
He knows the difference
Hes almost one.
Snail tracks slalom on his chin
his blight ridden vest continuum
their delta ceasing, merging
Homogenising.
The pain of pinch, reality.
A delta floods, dead families.
Pets ballooned, a slurred town
Consolatory.
A gentle tap, a forearm smash
An ear-side clap, a full face slap
Theyre all a smack
Are all the same.
Harry tried not to be the same
Not to cry, expressing pain
Not to drown
the folks down town.
But he couldnt help he couldnt
stop
Harrys consolation.
Sometimes a little refugee
a sailor lost, away at sea
A hand and a foot out past the bars
In defiance.
His brow seeks to question why
Sheparding vibration,
Virtuous or vile
Sensing variation, hes almost one.
Snail tracks slalom on his chin
his blight ridden vest their continuum
the delta ceasing, merging
Homogenising.
The pain of pinch, reality.
Tear delta floods;
dead families and a slurried town
Consolatory.
A gentle tap, a forearm smash
An ear-side clap, a full face slap
Theyre all a smack
Are all the same.
Harry tried not to be the same
Not to cry, expressing pain
Not to drown
the folks in delta town.
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A gentle tap, a forearm smash
An ear-side clap, a full face slap
Are all the same, are all a smack
And Harry tried not to be the
same
Not to cry, expressing pain
To drown the folks down in the
town
But he couldnt help
He couldnt stop
The pressure to great as
Mummies hand
Fell on his back and then again
He shouted out to everyone
He shouted out until shed gone.
Again she came her delta bent
He arms a crane before a key
She tore the strap and
Tenderly put punctuation to
Harrys cry,
Delta and his chin were dry
The plague like riddled cotton
sore
Peeled away before
A running tap poured in the water
too hot, too hot
An elbow gaged
A hand changed to turn of the tap
The pressure to great as Mummies
clop fell on his back
and then again.
He shouted out
to everyone.
He shouted out
until shed gone.
Again she came, her delta bent
He arms a crane before a key
She tore the strap and tenderly
punctuated Harrys cry.
The plague like riddled cotton sore
Peeled away before a running tap
poured in the water not too hot,
An elbow gaged
But he couldnt help he couldnt stop
The pressure to great as Mummies
clop fell on his back
and then again.
He shouted out
to everyone.
He shouted out
until shed gone.
Again she came, her delta bent
He arms a crane before a key
She tore the strap and tenderly
interrupted Harrys cry.
The plague like riddled cotton sore
Peeled away before a running tap
poured the water
not too hot, an elbow gaged
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Date 16 October 2010 Poem Hello Poem 6
Work Challenge
Harry cannot understand his
Mummys mood and ranting feud,
the woven straps around his wrist
Hes less than one.
Silent digits pluck at hate
scratch despair from its black,
finger hope from tight knot.
Its all but gone
He rubs red anger from blue eyes.
Tears frustration from ginger locks.
Claws out life in strips of skin.
Harrys consolation.
Sometimes a little refugee,
a sailor lost away at sea
an innocent, a prisoner
chained in solitary.
Questioning brow Shepherds
vibration
Virtuous and Vile
Sensing variation
hes almost one.
Snail tracks slalom on his chin,
his blight ridden vest their continuum,
the delta ceasing, merging,
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Homogenising.
The pain of pinch; reality.
Harrys tear delta floods
turning towns to sea;
killing families.
A gentle tap, a forearm smash,
an ear-side clap, a full face slap.
Theyre all a smack.
Are all the same.
Harry tried not to be the same,
not to cry, expressing pain,
not to drown the folks
in delta town.
But he couldnt help he couldnt stop,
the pressure to great as Mummies
clop fell on his back;
and then again.
He shouted out to everyone;
He shouted out until shed gone.
Until she had reasoned-
I am his mum
Gail hated not this Harry child,
but hated chance and circumstance,
no time to question why; to reconcile.
Mummy hated not her Harry child.
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Gail stood, shadowing.
Her arms a crane before a key.
She tore the straps and tenderly
interrupted Harrys cry.
The plague like riddled cotton sore
peeled away before a running tap
poured water - not too hot
An elbow gauged
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Poem 7Date 10 October 2010 Poem Hello Poem 7
Ambition
To build onto the positive finish of poem 6 by allowing the reader to see how Gail has at last asked for help To create relief and a feeling of, about time too. To have the reader genuinely pleased for Harry
Situation Statements
Poem 6 saw Gail halting the decline and offering Harry comfort Gail discusses with Barry via the internet Barry calls his Mother for help
Work Challenge
Poem 7 Stanza 1
The sun put on his Balaklava
Frost, ninja like assumed control
Stalignite grass made nail bed
Car bonnet drew frozen kidney
A stainless grill muzzled smoke
from a spent dragon
Are these all too
abstract?
Remove and use
for night transition
piece rather thanrepeat the same
Balaklavad sun
beams paradoxically,
protecting.
Spectrums of light girdles boundaries
two seasons, two time zones
Light carries love
carries life
Poem 7 Stanza 2
Digital hands gymnast beyond 88:88
A red ginger hunter trots to pounce
The wisest plumage calls home
A one hundred Watt moon
kisses white cliffs
Remove and use
for night transition
piece rather than
repeat the same
Electrons charge
exciting plasma
exploding colour,
vibrating paper.
Laptops provide a flight, hotel, an embrace
Satellite returning Daddy, forming family;
creating chance
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Poem 7 Stanza 3
Balaklavad sun beams paradoxically,
protects
Spectrum of light,
hooping boundaries of two seasons
Two time zones
Light carries love carries life
True lips spill truth
Pain purges to a bellow,
Releasing, cleansing.
Greif in transit disfigures copper
Guilt chokes the air as a straw sucks a marble
Bleeding, tearing.
Stretching, warping.
Poem 7 Stanza 4
Electrons charge
exciting plasma
Exploding colour,
vibrating paper
Laptops provide a flight, hotel, an embrace
Satilite returning Daddy, forming family,
creating chance
Honesty a catalyst for cataclysm
Scales of depression ease anticlockwise
Brian immediate, compassionate,
a divided man
Hope sat with help sat with happiness
Seesawing
Heartache sat with helplessness sat with horror
Poem 7 Stanza 5
True lips spill truth
Pain purges to a bellow,
releasing, cleansing.
Greif scarred copper in transit,
silk blanketing shards
guilt stretches air
straw sucking marble
Communication waited for next t ime, next day
a purple veined grey hand shielded sunlight.
Eyes piercing through
nostril steamed glass.
a purple veined grey pair
Rrrat a tat tat
Poem 7 Stanza 6
Honesty a catalyst halting a cataclasm
Scales of depression ease anticlockwise
Brian immediate, compassionate, a divided
man
Hope sat with help sat with happiness
Seesaw
Heartache sat with helplessness sat with
horror
Cataclasm
violent break.
Wrong syntax
It was 09:00
a wise plumage a steady bough.
Brians mother embraced Gail
A clown without paint
Himalayan black fluxed the raw and painful
Fluxed the pure and shameful
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Poem 7 Stanza 7
Communication waited for next time,
next day
A purple veined grey hand shielded sunlight
Eye piercing through,
nostril steamed glass
Its pair rat a tat tat
Liver spotted,
melanin stained hand
Followed half inch red silicone implants
Tickling Salmon as they scoop Harry
To embrace.
To reassure
Everyone
Poem 7 Stanza 8
It was 09:00 a wise plumage a steady bough
Brians mother embraced Gail
A clown without paint
Himalayan black fluxed the raw and painful
Fluxed the pure and shameful
Poem 7 Stanza 9
Liver spotted, melanin stained hand
Followed half inch red silicone implants
Tickling Salmon as they scoop Harry
To embrace, to reassure
But who?
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Date 17 October 2010 Poem Hello Poem 7
Work Challenge
Balaklavad sun
beams paradoxically,
protecting.
Spectrums of light girdles boundaries
two seasons, two time zones
Light carries love
carries life
Rain driven sun beams
Spectrums of light
Carries love
Carries life
Electrons charge
exciting plasma
exploding colour,
vibrating paper.
Laptops provide a flight, hotel, an embrace
Satellite returning Daddy, forming family;
creating chance
Charging electrons
Excite plasma
Explode colour
Vibrate paper
Laptops provide
A flight
A hotel
An embrace
Orbiting Satellite
Transporting Daddy
Forming Family
Creating Chance
True lips spill truth
Pain purges to a bellow,
Releasing, cleansing.
Greif in transit disfigures copper
Guilt chokes the air as a straw sucks a marble
Bleeding, tearing.
Stretching, warping.
True lips spill truth
Pain purges to a bellow
Releasing
Cleansing
Grief in transit
Disfigures copper
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Tearing
Bleeding
Guilt chokes the air as
Straw would suck a marble
Stretching
Warping
Honesty a catalyst for cataclysm
Scales of depression ease anticlockwise
Brian immediate, compassionate,
a divided man
Hope sat with help sat with happiness
Seesawing
Heartache sat with helplessness sat with
horror
Honesty a catalyst for
Cataclysm
Scales of depression ease
Anticlockwise
Brian was compassionate:
Hope sat with
Help sat with
Happiness sat with
Heartache sat with
Helplessness sat with
Horror.
Brian was divided.
Communication waited for next time, next
day
a purple veined grey hand shielded sunlight.
Eyes piercing through
nostril steamed glass.
a purple veined grey pair
Rrrat a tat tat
Poem 8
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It was 09:00
a wise plumage a steady bough.
Brians mother embraced Gail
A clown without paint
Himalayan black fluxed the raw and painful
Fluxed the pure and shameful
Liver spotted,
melanin stained hand
Followed half inch red silicone implants
Tickling Salmon as they scoop Harry
To embrace.
To reassure
Everyone
Date 17 October 2010 Poem Hello Poem 8
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Work Challenge
Communication waited for next time, next
day
a purple veined grey hand shielded sunlight.
Eyes piercing through
nostril steamed glass.
a purple veined grey pair
Rrrat a tat tat
Doorstep cream lifts silver
Rolled headlines embed plastic
Brains Mothers eyes demist
nostril steamed glass
Grey purple veined hand
Shielding sunlight
Grey purple veined other calls
Rrat a tat tat
It was 09:00
a wise plumage a steady bough.
Brians mother embraced Gail
A clown without paint
Himalayan black fluxed the raw and painful
Fluxed the pure and shameful
A wise plumage
A Steady bough
Embraces Gail -
Clown less paint
Himalayan black fluxes
Raw and painful fluxes
Pure and shameful fluxes
Life
Liver spotted,
melanin stained hand
Followed half inch red silicone implants
Tickling Salmon as they scoop Harry
To embrace.
To reassure
Everyone
Liver spotted
Melanin stained hand
Steers half inch red
Silicone implants
Tickling Salmon
Scooping Harry
To embrace
To reassure
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Poem 8
Nightfall Stanza
Date 05 October 2010 Poem Hello Nightfall stanza
Ambition
To establish the struggle around the clock
To be minimalistic
Situation Statements
Work Challenge
Red face, embarrassed
The sun tagged the moon
Elbows on rope
exhausted
Red face
The sun tagged the moon
Elbows on rope
Exhausted
The sun put on his Balaklava
Frost, ninja like assumed control
Stalagmite grass made nail bed
Car bonnet drew frozen kidney
A stainless grill muzzled smoke
from a spent dragon
Frost, like ninja
assumes control
makes stalagmite grass
makes nail bed
moon lit
stainless grill
muzzles smoke of a dragon
spent
Car bonnet
draws a frozen heart
shrinking to kidney
Car bonnet
draws a frozen heart
shrinking to kidney
then to pea.
Digital hands
rotate slothfully
beyond 00:00
Fatigued.
Red faced
the sun tagged the moon
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and then to pea.
Digital hands
elbows on rope
Exhausted.
Barn Bats
Bat black
Catch moth
Hang.
Digital hands gymnast beyond 88:88
A red ginger hunter trots to pounce
The wisest plumage calls home
A one hundred Watt moon
kisses white cliffs
Rotate slothfully
beyond 00:00
fatigued
Ginger red
Hunter trots to pounce
Eyeballs marble
Voracious
one hundred watt
moon
illuminates
white cliffs
The wisest plumage
calls home
Barn Bats
Bat black
Catch moth
Ginger red
Hunter trots to pounce
Eyeballs marble
Voracious.
One hundred watt
moon illuminates
white cliffs.
Hope.
Like ninja frost,
assumes control
makes stalagmite grass
makes nail bed.