Leighah Beadle -Darcy Dip Coun; Dip Dance Therapy; BA(Hons), MA;

MBACP

January 2015

“Our Journey In Life Makes Us Who We Are Today”

Poems and Quotes

“Leighah’s role with SEED Eating Disorder Support Services is that of a facili-

tator, a therapist and an Advisor and Consultant. She does a tremendous job

for SEED and without her many people would not benefit from her dedicat-

ed approach to Eating Disorders. We support Leighah’s Poem Booklet and

hope that you enjoy reading them too.”.

Introduction

This collection of poetry is taken from the poems I wrote when I went through Anorexia as a ballet dancer in my late teens and early 20s. These particular poems were written during the height of the Anorexia and the coming out of it at the age of 20-21. I was fortunate that I never reached a stage of hospitalisation, but decided to recover before there was the possibility of reaching this stage.

I was a healthy young woman and dancer, until one day a ballet teacher said I was 'too big' for classi-cal ballet. I was confused and told her that I am 5 feet 4 and a half, which is within the required height for ballet, so that is not too big. She explained to me that it was not that sort of 'too big', but to do with my weight, and explained I would make a good modern ballet dancer though as they don't have to be a tiny and thin. I was not overweight, and was lean, athletic and svelte, but was not the body size she was telling me about for classical ballet. I was devastated and in a dilemma. I wanted to dance classical ballet most of all and had put in so much work in my ballet classes. What was I to do? Keep as I was and give up the dream? Or change my body size and lose some weight to live the dream? I decided to go on a diet...but not an unhealthy one. I lost some weight, but then decided to lose a bit more 'just in case', and then I moved the goal post further. I wanted the 'ideal ballet body', I wanted to be 'the perfect ballet dancer', technically, artistically and physically. I have perfectionistic traits and these can be used adaptively or maladaptive. After a while, I began to abuse laxatives and be sick, as a person cannot keep up restricting food without entering the opposite and bingeing at times. It is a natural reaction to restricting food, but I panicked about the binges, and so would take laxatives, be sick or over exercise to 'compensate'. What was a simple diet to lose a bit of weight for the ballet dream had turned into a distressing eating disorder. My dancing was affected at times by the eating disorder. The dream was going wrong. I decided to recover.

Part of my way through was writing, as writing and poetry is natural to me and I have written poetry since childhood. I was able to express my feelings, my struggles and also try and make sense of what was going on. Out of this came this collection. The poems are honest accounts of some of my strug-gles. The perfection issues, control, and drive to be the perfect dancer, the wanting to be the ideal dancer, the conflict of my Eating Disordered behaviours and my healthy logic.

The poem 'Spilling Over' is written by a client of mine, Sabah (who has given me permission to use her poem and her name), who suffers from an Eating Disorder. The poem will resonate with many people I am sure. I wanted to include it as I saw the potential in it to help people identify with Sabah's experi-ence. I thank her for allowing me to include her poem.

I still dance and I am also a dance therapist, psychotherapist/counsellor, researcher and writer. My weight is healthy, and I am free from issues around food and weight. Occasionally I have a thought about how much or not I possess the 'ideal dancer body' and how being a dancer is a significant part of my identity and history. However, I do not feel the need to take the measures I did all those years ago. The dance world and society still have a long way to go in modelling a more healthy way. Part of my vocation is to help to do that through my work and what I can give.

‘SPILLING OVER’

Vacant eyes and

wandering minds

causes skipped heart

beats. Trailing voices

Trial to silence and

A nothingness that

Scream in quiet whispers

Of spilling over.

Spilling over designated lines

Hitting a maximum word count

Time up, shush, quieten down

Your lines, your lines

Become too long and

You spill over

Spill over

Live like this

Hold self tight

Must sit within

This cage of lines

Yet nothing you do

is ever quite enough

Vacant eyes

Will not leave you alone

You, my dear,

Are a paradox

Of lines uncrossed

Yet spilling over

Fear grips you

A reality sinks

Too much yet not enough

Whatever you do

It will spill over

Sabah Yasin October 2014

Spilling Over This opening poem is by a client of mine, who has given me permission to use her name and identity along with the poem. She wrote the poem during a workshop of Creativity that I was facilitating at SEED. I was moved by her poem and amazed at her talent. 'Spilling Over' speaks of feeling 'too much and not enough', which can be translated in many ways of being. Thank you to Sabah for allowing me to share this poem.

I wonder………

I wonder

I wonder who I would be,

were I not what I am now?

I wonder who I would be

or whether I would know

who I am at all?

I wonder if I would be

what I fear most?

I wonder if I would be

what I hope for most?

Not set back in my track,

but moving forward.

Life takes its course

and we steer the wheel .

But we cannot control the en-gine-

that is in higher hands.

How did I get to where I am now? - Leighah Darcy 1994/5

'I Wonder' came about from me contemplating who or what I might be had I not embarked upon the journey of Anorexia...a lot of this thought was around what my body would look like, what my 'natural' size would be, and also how I might be as a person, and what else I might be doing. During parts of the Anorexic journey, I often had this parallel desire to find my natural dancing body size, and whether this would be the same as what it was before I became Anorexic. What I feared most at this time was what if my 'natural body' was not suita-ble for the high level ballet at all, and then what could I do about my 'dancing dream'?

‘THE JOURNEY AHEAD’

A Journey lies ahead of me,

I can travel it, step back, or remain;

I must do half the toiling,

I must embark upon some pain.

But there's pleasure from that journey,

For light shines on the path -

A hope, a future, happiness,

Reason to smile and laugh.

The choice is mine to make it,

Only I can make that move;

Help is there to guide me,

Counsel, advise and soothe.

Yet the path is hard to conquer,

The journey a struggle and fight;

Yet I know that at the outcome

I encounter happiness and 'light'.

If I remain I will go backwards,

For there is no standing still,

For sliding down i all that happens

If you don't push up a muddy hill.

The decision I can't quite make yet,

I must consider how I might cope;

I need assurance, courage, honesty

before I am take the steps and live my hope! Leighah Darcy—1994/95

The Road to Recovery is hard work and

takes commitment.

‘The Journey Ahead' tells peaks something

of the decision I made to recover from

Anorexia and what this might entail.

‘Trapped’

I feel so alone.

And trapped.

Liked a caged animal;

knowing that when free,

I can run;

I can run free;

roam free and be with the others.

Yet as it is,

the bars hold me in;

Limiting my space and movement.

Some pass by:

'How beautiful!' they exclaim.

Others reckon I am better off held in,

yet they complain at my raging

behind the bars.

Lioness behind bars;

yet I don't bite.

I'm simply trapped

and alone.

Longing to be free.

Leighah Darcy

1994/5

'Trapped' tells of feelings of being 'caged in' by the eating disorder, when the control I thought I had be-gan to take control of me and I felt alone, as many begin to feel in the throes of an eating disorder, de-spite support or those that love them. I began to long to be free again.

Sinking…………………...

I hate the very thought of fat,

but only on myself.

On others, weight can suit them,

be part of them,

and I love them.

But I hate it on myself.

This causes me to

Sink low;

I was already down,

but now I sink lower down.

The trap of the sinking sand, drawing me deeper.

Until all I survive on is hope. Even my dream fade away.

I feel so alone.

And trapped. Liked a caged animal; knowing that when free, I can run; I can run free; roam free and be with the others.

Yet as it is,

the bars hold me in;

Limiting my space and movement.

Some pass by: 'How beautiful!' they exclaim. Others reckon I am better off held in, yet they complain at my raging behind the bars.

Lioness behind bars; yet I don't bite. I'm simply trapped and alone.

Longing to be free.

Leighah Darcy 1993/4

'Sinking' tells of how I would sink into

feeling more low when I examined my

body and body size in my desire for the

'perfect ballet body', to a point where I

feared my dream of being a ballet danc-

er fading away in the light of how I saw

my body in relation to how the 'ballet

body'. The dream seemed to be fading,

but I tried to create some hope.

Fat or Thin Does It Matter? …... Fat or thin - Does it matter? Of course it must. Which do I want? Neither. I don't despise fat and thin people, so why do I despise myself? 'Perfect' I want to be perfect. Yet human; yet superhuman; supermodel. Yet not. Yet when my figure I described as 'perfect', I get annoyed and worried and upset. “The perfect figure' - That means not thin doesn't it? But I don't want to be thin. Or actually do I? 'Slim' - does slim mean perfect? Slim is not thin, therefore I must be fat. Yet I know I am not. 'Perfect' or 'Ideal', any more would be 'excess', Fat. Yet what is wrong with fat? I don't despise people who are fat, I don't despise people who are thin, yet why do I despise my own body? Leighah Darcy 1994/5

'Diamond and Crystal' Am I less worthy than everyone else?

Crystal instead of diamond?

Shiny and pretty;

sufficient for some things;

but next to diamond,

less brilliant.

Or forgotten.

Even if I set myself in gold,

it is obvious I am still crystal.

Crystal cannot turn to diamond.

So why hope?

I wish there were someone

who preferred Chrystal to diamond.

Chrystal can be beautiful;

Chrystal clear.

Diamond is checked for flaws;

Chrystal is not.

So why am I?

I want to be precious,

but am only semi-precious.

I shall polish myself;

And even though not as worthy,

I will outshine the diamonds.

Until I am preferred.

Or at least admired as much.

Leighah Darcy 1994/95

'Diamond and Crystal' speaks of the percep-

tion I held of myself of knowing I had some

beauty and talent, but felt a 'deficiency' in

comparison to selected others. I decided to

'polish' my talents, my physique, my looks

further to reach a 'higher standard'. Of

course, I was giving in to my perfectionism in

an unhealthy way.

Fat or Thin Does It Matter I began to question how much it really matters about weight, regardless of the ballet issue. 'Fat or Thin: Does it Matter?' came from my musings about this and about how I wanted my body to be and some of the paradoxes.

'Ideal Self vs Authentic Self' Just wanting to be me, yet wanting to be others. Searching for myself - Sometimes a long, tedious journey; Yet sometimes an eye-opening revela-tion. Trying to create a character - Observing and loving the traits of others, and planning their likeness. Careful self-monitoring. Wanting to be like them; Yet journeying simply to be myself.—Leighah Darcy 1994/5

'Conflict'

I know, I understand. I know, yet I do not understand. Words without action. Action without control. Without control over that which I control. Scared. Confused. Alone. What next? What I want is not what I want. I want half, but not the other half. I cannot go on, yet I must. Struggle, Struggle as I might, I must go on. Yet why don't I go in the healthy direction? Because I know, but I cannot control. I understand, yet I am trapped. I know, yet I reject the knowledge. Why? Because I must. Leighah Darcy—1994/5

‘Authenticity’ of who I am has long been important to me. And

yet I have often had an 'ideal self'. Sometimes parts of this might

have matched who I authentically am, and sometimes not. In the

following poem, a lot of my thought was around my physical

body and what was 'authentic' to me and what was 'ideal' as in my

desire for the 'ideal ballet body'. It extended beyond the physical,

of course, and the paradox and conflict was despite my 'ideal, I

had a drive towards simply desiring to be my authentic self. I

now realise the highest 'ideal' is my 'authentic' self, whether in-

cluding the 'ideal ballet body' or not! If this means I am not per-

mitted into a desired dance company, then I would have choices

to consider, and decision to make.

The 'Conflict'. Knowing what I the healthy way forward, understanding the is-sue, and yet feeling 'driven' towards keeping the control and keeping the Anorexia. Understanding the conflict, wanting to be free from the Anorexia, and yet feeling compelled to keep on with it. This was what was going on behind the writing of this poem.

'Surviving the Deep , Dark Waters'

From deep dark waters flow tears of pain.

Inexpressible anguish hiding behind smiles.

Yet somehow not succeeding.

Drop by Drop the tears are released,

until the film can hold them no more.

Gushing forth

with a power that causes pain;

drowning all happiness,

which somewhere must be buried.

Such weakness, fatigue, sighing.

The fountain of happiness which once bathed the child,

is now a torrent of acid water;

stinging the child,

overwhelming her.

Yet she cannot swim.

She closes her eyes

and flusters

around;

searching for a hand.

The torrent becomes

a whirlpool, sucking her in.

She keeps on reaching and searching.

A hand takes hers;

she must hold tight too.

She's scared;

if one lets go,

she drowns.

The current gets stronger

the sky overhead gets darker;

her body gets heavier

her mind gets weaker;

her eyes get tired

One is only left to wonder

whether she will survive.

Leighah Darcy 1994/5

‘Surviving Deep Dark Waters’ The following poem speaks of the deep, dark and painful waters of my journey back then, the hiding behind smiles, yet knowing I was not succeeding to appear OK. I was deeply aware of my inner life, and this poem is an honest expression of what was going on for me at the time of writing.

'Perfection'

Sad.

Depressed.

Or am I being extreme?

Low.

Lacking self-worth.

Guilty.

I know I could do more.

What stops me?

Perfection

Perfection

Perfection.

Scared of trying too hard

as that eliminates excuses.

Self-control.

That's a desire;

I live in hope of it.

But the flesh is weak.

I understand that more now.

But it's difficult to accept.

I long for the day when

I am in control

Totally.

Is it possible?

Will that day ever come?

I live in hope.

But if I knew it would not

I would rather die.

But I hate

running away.

I want to be strong.

Strong and in control.

That is success,

along with the rest.

I think when we

strip all bare,

there is a hope,

a desire,

even a need.

for perfection.

Leighah 1994/5

Perfection speaks for itself about the desire for perfection and the

control I wanted to keep to reach this so-called 'perfection' of the

'ideal ballet body' and the exquisite ballet technique ability I want-

ed to have...along with other things.

10 Ways To Love Yourself

1. Breathe deeply and tell yourself you are alive for a purpose : as long as you are breathing you are meant to be in this life, physis is in you

2. Take a walk in nature and experience what it is to be part of and connect to the Uni-verse, to the earth

3. Eat a balanced diet, sleep well, rest when necessary and play without inhibition

4. In as much as possible, find work ...(paid, employed, voluntary, creative) that you enjoy and which nourishes you

5. Take time to read works from authentic people on Love, Creativity and Self Develop-ment

6. Learn to nurture both the child and the adult within you...seek assistance on this if necessary

7. Express yourself creatively (whatever that means for you) - you have a right to be heard

8. Learn to say 'No' when you need to

9. Learn to recognise (and silence) your inner critic

10. Take a risk (within wisdom) to receive Love

Leighah Beadle-Darcy February 2014

I wrote '10 Ways to Love Yourself' last year, and my aim I to encourage myself and others with it. It may be that you cannot always do all or even many of them, but even one is a start and may make a big difference to your life. Your life is precious, make the most of it.