playing with hearts - · pdf fileplaying with hearts© - nicholas ryan ... so i’d...

PLAYING WITH HEARTS

Nicholas Ryan

2

Playing with Hearts© - Nicholas Ryan

Foreword

The rages of depression left my body wracked. I needed to feel something again, anything.

I’d been lost for so long. Locked away in my room, shunning everyone. This book isn’t

about therapy, I didn’t write to feel better. I wrote because I needed to feel again. Every

emotion I’d shied away from I wanted to dive in. I wanted to see how much I could hurt

and how much joy I could feel. There wasn’t any area on the spectrum of emotions and

feelings I didn’t want to visit. I wanted to be human again. Please, read, and know that in

every painful prose it’s okay to feel that way. Please, read, and know that for every joyous

account you see, you will feel as well. None of this is good or bad, it’s simply living. We

were meant to feel this way.

Playing with hearts, a year of ups and downs

Copyright Nicholas Ryan 2017

3


Lights

Sometimes a waning light is so divine

A heart and hope can intertwine

I want to freeze the moment of that late night window shine

To bottle up perfect sunset like fine wine

But must that last glowing light die?

Lately, I’ve been asking myself why

A utopia stomped on, the grand finale a sigh

My purest fantasy has become a great lie

A campfire crackle, a stargazing debacle

Hopeless romance has become my worst shackle

4


I never realized that being an open book meant that other people could also write on me

5


California Snow

I’m afraid we’re a California snow. One in a million, but not meant to last. A perfect

memory that not even pain can extinguish. My heart still beats thinking about that

moment when time stood still just for us, yet it passed too quickly. I want to hate, to make

it easier, but somethings are too beautiful to hate. When the impossible happens, I can’t

help but think: will it ever happen again? The longing heart, hoping for eternal rest.

6


But why give flowers? Why give an inevitable death and call it beauty? Because the

temporary is beautiful. There’s nothing human about permanency, death is as exciting as

birth. Causing more wonder than the status quo ever could.

7


Honestly just cry sometimes

It feels right

8


Frozen

I met someone who was an icy lake

Their warm summer sealed by winter’s sake

Sometimes when we were together a crack would appear

And I would get a snapshot of all she holds dear

But the whole picture would escape me

So I’d drill into parts like fishing the ice sea

There was too much to funnel out it all became clogged

Her resistance began to make me feel bogged

No matter how many dinners we’d share over rigatoni

Each glimpse I got would soon be covered up by her Zamboni

I prayed for the summer that never came

Now winter’s whistle whispers her name

I hear it in the breeze and the rustling leaves

The first sign of snowfall she silently grieves

9


It shattered me to learn that my favourite star was slowly drifting away from me

10


A late summer night in August, warm and sticky

My mother raised me to be honest and picky

The lazy sun highlights your eyes

I’ve let you undress my entire disguise

A feeling becomes a moment, which turns into a memory

I’ve never held a set of hands so tenderly

My mind is at ease only focused on you

I pray there will never be someone else new

11


The sky has been orange for far too long

I finally feel what the singers sing in their song

Spilling sour grapes I finally belong

If feeling this way is supposed to be wrong

I don’t think I can be strong

12


I’m so - old, yet I’m so young I can’t remember half the lessons I’ve learned, but the sum

doesn’t come close to what there is to know. I’ve seen enough faces to recognize beauty

and charisma, but will I ever find the measuring stick? I can talk to anyone in the world, nor

can I talk to anyone in the world. I can break a thousand hearts, but how many can mine

endure? I’ll die in a blink, yet it’ll be the longest blink I know.

13


Why does it hurt to no longer be hurt by you?

14


Heart sighs

From nostalgia, from exhaustion, from romanticizing, from wanting something desperately

to happen

You sigh when you become at ease, when you’re content, after a long day

The word for that feeling you get but never know what to call it, a longing

15


We laughed holding each other’s hand

We ran to the edge without abandon

The rest didn’t matter

It was just us

The fall was more thrilling than a thousand roller coasters

But when the water hit me

You weren’t there

I’d gone through all of that for you

And I sank as you watched me from up on your cliff

16


Ma told me I’d break a lot of hearts

Never told me how the tears sting

Pa told me ‘bout success

Never told me the right places to look

Bro told me his own path

Never told me he was scared

Girl told me the worst words I’d ever heard

Never told me enough

Teach told me about giving up

Never told me about failing

I told myself I’d die to live

Never told myself how

17


2pm, just sorted out all my mistakes from last night

I feel like I’m still drunk

Stumbling through a day that’ll never reach potential

I dread each time my phone vibrates

Can I get a “Sorry, we’re closed” sign?

I swear I’d wear it around like your favourite sweatshirt

I have a lot of regrets so I know I’m living

I don’t want to slow down because I’m already going too slow

When the sun sets I’m energized again is this a sick joke?

I want to fall asleep till the smell of roses wakes me up

18


I dream so often because it’s the only time we speak

19


She asked if I was healthy

No, no I’m not

Well are you sick?

No, I’m not that either

Well what’s wrong with you?

Wrong?

Like I’m broken or damaged?

Like I’m a car that needs to be taken in and fixed?

Neither, neither

I’m just not well

She couldn’t grasp it

So she asked again

Then you’ve been hurt?

Not as the football player who breaks their arm

More like the tack board

Does anyone know

How many times

A bulletin board has been pierced?

You can’t see the marks when the pins leave

But I know

Her eyes lit up

Then that’s it!

Someone has hurt you?

No, no

I’m just not well

20


Will you stay up with me tonight?

Nothing’s troubling me, I’m just tired

Let’s bathe in the beauty of moonlight

A night, where nothing is required

Listen to the melodies of rain on our window pane

Bask in the warmth of the waning fire

Come closer, sharing a blanket with you keeps me sane

Listening to you is lovelier than any choir

21


20

Leaves may fall, and summer never lasts

Just like a sailboat, without full masts

Somethings are fleeting, deceiving, the opposite of redeeming

But that doesn’t stop us from longing and dreaming

The evergreen stands proud throughout the year

A traditional symbol of so much cheer

Staying in one place the summer becomes cold

But with travel you’ll find the sun never grows old

But what about the sailboat?

A hurricane gusts but won’t keep it afloat

It needs a certain pleasure, a very rare measure

To sail away, and become a true treasure

22


Remember that time you called me beautiful? I’d never heard that before

23


By her tenderness she began to plant seeds in me. My soil isn’t fertile, and it’s been a long

time since anything grew. Yet her patience and care nurtured me. Without my knowledge,

I became a gardener too. How could I not protect such a beautiful soul? Unconditional

love was our greenhouse, and kept bad weather from causing harm. I’d never allowed

someone in before, and now I was opening like a newborn tulip. I moved towards her as a

sunflower does to what it needs most. The seeds she planted sprouted, and I was

completely blossoming in the company of someone special. No longer could she just be

my sun, but my moon and stars, my entire world. The honeymoon ends just like winter kills

colour, so we traded our bouquet and planted an evergreen forest.

24


It’s okay to not to know the ending

25


How come the demons seem worst at night?

Desperate for sleep so I can see light

Time’s the slowest when you want it fast

Darkness awakens memories past

Imperfections loom over my shoulder

It gets harder as I grow older

This feeling is not foreign

May my tears be melatonin

26


I thought dating was so special when I was younger

I could be with someone who didn’t know who they were

And together we’d discover what it means to be us

We’d never admit it, but we shaped each other the most

Innocence and naïve hearts, it wouldn’t get better than this

So heartbreak was the appropriate response

When an author in my life chose to go away

Tears stained my blanket at night

Until I met someone who wasn’t a picture book

Everything I thought I knew about women

Was challenged when I ran head into a novel

For some reason, I thought the years had only affected me

Love was growing new meanings

I was becoming lost in the depths of another

I’d only waded in love before

27


I met you and our spirits danced

28


Otter Lake

Moonlit nights to wander

Endless sights to wonder

The dreamy haze of the sauntering soul

Free falling through Alice’s hole

Barefoot journeys of discovery

What’s the most amazing thing you’ve ever seen?

What the most euphoria you’ve ever felt?

My best moments are unscripted

Losing myself made me uplifted

29


Let my love be as abundant as these daisies

No more turning friends away with maybes

I’m not hurt, I’m not hurt, I’m not hurt

Trusting again no red alert

The scariness of being open

Overshadowed by the joy of hopin’

Free at last no more cast

Lost fragments of Cupid’s blast

30


Cognac

But don’t forget the beauty of the denouement. The thrill of the height isn’t as powerful as

the fall. Why do you cry? We all deserve a special ending.

31


I don’t know what’s more tragic

When a loved one dies

Or when a loved one only dies to you

32


Why

You still come to me in my dreams?

You’re not welcome

But every night you haunt me

Can’t you leave me in peace?

Wasn’t it enough you left me in pieces?

You caused these early creases

Maybe I enjoy the pain

Missing the profane

Slowly growing sane

She’s a lifetime to forget

But a second to remember

The mind fantasizes about everything that’s wrong for it

33


I don’t ask for a lot

I lived on my own without just fine

And if I never experience romance

I’ll go on existing just the same

But if you remind me of being alone

I wonder why we even are

34


I never knew winter until that Christmas in Alaska, but I knew the cold, it felt just like you

35


Why are a flower’s petals prettier than the whole?

Is it because we fall in love with parts of someone but not the entire thing?

That one part of someone absolutely captivates us to disregard the rest?

So once it dies and the petals pool on the floor

We still reminisce about what we once had

Even though the flower stank and we’re better off that it’s gone

36


I don’t have commitment issues... I have problems with committing to nothing at all. I’ll

commit to something, that doesn’t exist. I’ll give my all without reciprocation. But this isn’t

a problem. I lied to you. You think because you’ve been hurt it’s okay not to trust. You

detach yourself from your feelings entirely. But don’t you see? That will hurt you more than

feelings ever could. You forget the reason, the feelings you felt, to allow yourself to get

hurt in the first place.

37


Imma drink a cigarette tonight

Create some regrets I can cry about when I see the light

38


I love the wind

Gosh I love the abuse

The howling, the shrieking

It matches everything going on inside

As the storm rages I revel in the moment my surroundings match me

The chaos feels like home, and I’ve been struggling to find one for so long

39


We’d lay awake for hours

And I’d tell you all my dreams

But your superpowers were to make it seem like somethings are too extreme

40


I can’t stand flying

So I wrote to you instead

I wanted to find a new way to say I love you

So I learned to rhyme some words

Four hours I sat, with nothing but you on my brain

And taught myself a whole other art form just to make you smile

I sent it to you the moment I landed

What I had antagonized over till it was perfect

Yet you were indifferent

You hardly responded

Didn’t care what I wrote you

Never saw that the words were just another way to kiss you

No, you could never appreciate

The very first poem, I ever wrote

41


I went for a walk in the rain

Just to remind myself I’m human

How you don’t need a reason to do anything

Some people walked their dogs, that was cool

But what stood out to me was how many older people there were

Sure, they may have more time for this

But I’m young

I made time for this

So it’s not an age thing

No, but I think they’d figured something out

There are less constraints in this world than we think

And there’s enough constraints as there are

That we don’t need to impose new ones on ourselves

Walking in the sun would have been more comfortable

But I don’t think it would have been as enjoyable

Numb fingers and wet toes

Aren’t something we get inside

But that’s in a world we created for ourselves

Not in the world created for us

Sometimes I need to be a part of something

Because it’s too easy to think I can do it by myself

42


I’d cross an ocean for nothing; If I drown I’ll swim again

43


Salt

Anxiety is crushing, and I know you’re scared

Your heart is in your throat, and you’re hoping to be spared

So stay at home, close your blinds, never go outside

Meeting others is the perfect time to hide

Tell the thrilling tale of the time you got a good night’s sleep

Boast to old schoolmates that you’re your boss’ favourite sheep

Remember that promise you made to that little kid at five

That you would grow up and never feel alive

Butterflies are for the sick

To pursue them you’d be thick

Making yourself uncomfortable is a disservice

So I hope, you’ll never be nervous

44


I don’t usually write at the beach

I leave that for the waves

The sun writes stories on my skin

And the salt in my hair adds spice

As I float I contemplate throwing my paddle away

Let the ocean take me where it wants

Will I be thrown back to shore?

Or will the water pull me in; greedily snatching me back for its own pleasure

45


She asked what I hadn’t written about

My eyes went wide

“Everything”

How could I be with someone who thinks they’ve seen the world, but has only marvelled at

a drop?

46


I don’t know if depression goes away

I just know it always comes back

47


I’m so small

All around me

People do things bigger

My voice is just a trickle

I see the world move in tsunamis

I touch a person

And others rescue thousands

I can’t even help myself

Trying to be the impact

Yet I’m the one impacted

48


Wigilia

A place at the table

Feelings I can’t label

Porte & fish with paprika

I don’t mean this na zdrowie

Breaking bread because it’s tradition

No speaking because it’s tradition

Confused because I care

A lost childhood isn’t fair

Lessons learned at a later date

What an ironic twist of fate

Never complaining is no advice

Knowing you were pacified won’t suffice

Anger doesn’t help now that you’re gone

You didn’t fight for such a spawn

49


But will I see love as an old friend? Or will it come to me as a stranger I’ve never met

before?

50


A blank page is so beautiful. To be anything at all, what a thought. That magical point in

time where results don’t have to meet potential quite yet. No dent, not a single impression

has been made. A chance for a dream to be realized again.

51


Why do I gaze out my window? Only on the darkest nights? I suppose those stars

symbolize everything I’ve ever wanted. A mysterious magic, unattainable by all. No, not the

supernatural, but a first kiss or Christmas morning. Those feelings that will make all pens

run dry, and still fall short of understanding.

52


Girl, don’t confuse that we’re each other’s muse

We are just temporary, we thirst for the contemporary

53


Romance can’t be constrained to the spectrum of only between lovers. There’s romance in

a landscape laying under an unblemished layer of snow. When a singer reaches a note no

one else can, the atmosphere is filled with romance. You can’t deny the person lost in their

craft when their work and themselves become one. The sugar of a pristine pastry is

romantic on your tongue. There doesn’t need to be a relationship; romance is not sexual.

How else would you describe lying in a bed of daisies, with the coldest bottle of wine?

54


The sunrise or the sunset

For me

The sunrise

But

Only if I’ve experienced the darkness

I need to have creeped through the night

And danced in the moonlight

To truly capture the emotion I get

When the first golden streak pierces the black

55


I read the most beautiful thing the other day and was so saddened when I realized I had

no one to share it with

56


It’s cold tonight

The air is so wet our skin becomes damp

Or maybe it’s because of the anticipation

We’re not allowed to be

What’s forbidden, is about to be free

I hear voices

We must hide

And I press you against a tree

Moonlight highlights the blue in your eyes

If we get even closer

Maybe we’ll just blend in with the oaken silhouettes

No, we still don’t look like one

So my lips close in on yours

There’s yelling in the background

We’ll kiss till we only hear harmony

57


If there is anything more tragic than a broken dream

It’s a dream that never had the chance to be chased

58


Hope & Daisys (not a typo)

My heart sighed the other day

What made it so it’s tough to say

If I could pinpoint the reason

That caused my great liaison

It would be clear as a season

And I’d call it a treason

But love isn’t clear

It’s awfully austere

To leave me vulnerable and sheer



I entered the fray

When my world was grey

Others shaped me like clay

If heartbreak and my name become synonymous

I’d rather stay magnanimous

If in the end I find bliss



I wouldn’t change the past

Even if it went too fast

Because it gave me a feeling

That I couldn’t achieve without unveiling

My open heart for deceiving

One day I hope, my cracks will align

With another’s, who I can call mine


59


Some dreams are locked up for us

Kept for safekeeping

Others are granted to us

We receive without asking

And then there are dreams we knew nothing about

These are the dreams we live for

You can’t miss something you don’t know

But it is the one thing all your failures lead to

We don’t really know what’s best for us

Reaching for the things that we shouldn’t

Until one day when we close our eyes

And see that all the other pursuits were lies

60


The night has lost its power

When you always feel darkness

Starlit streets can’t scare me

I barely noticed the crossover from day to night

I’ve become so familiar with the lonely AM

Some visit it

But I vacation there

No, that’s the wrong word

Because I didn’t choose this

However, it’s not imprisonment either

Far worse, it’s a complete indifference

There’s nothing human about creeping around the moon

Yet I feel as I always do

I desperately need to clutch onto something

But the desire has all but left

I used to crave sleep to put the day behind me

Anything for a fresh start

But now I avoid my bed - because I don’t want a new one to start

61


Dear anxiety

What are you good for?

I’ve never had a friend give me such bad advice

And you are my friend, because we’re far too close to possibly be enemies

I just don’t see your point

Like a group of friends that do the same thing every week

Isn’t that just work?

But our friendship isn’t work

We live together like the finest couple

Really, we’re best friends

62


I’m starting to relate to Jenny

When I was younger I thought she was the worst

Now I understand

She was capable of love

But it didn’t suit her

There was something else she offered the world

Doesn’t everyone grow their hair out at least once?

Well she was the moment you cut it off

That flash of empowerment

Addictive and euphoric but impossible to sustain

What everyone needs

But only temporarily

63


The problem was

To me

You were everything I never had

And to you

I was nothing you couldn’t get again

64


She never understood why I couldn’t keep both feet on the ground

Maybe it wasn’t because I couldn’t be tied down

Maybe I just wanted someone who was also willing to be vulnerable

65


It’s so funny all those nights I thought my life was over

That you were the bookend

When really you were just a book that had too many pages

66


I’d like to thank my ex

Because I have a lot of problems

And you helped point them all out

It made me realize I needed this time alone

I had to work on myself

It wouldn’t have been healthy to be with anyone else

And it’s not like I’m going to fix myself and start dating

Because there is no perfection

And fix isn’t the right word

But to think I used to believe I was close

I needed the sudden shatter to my reality

To start living the life I do now

67


Mirror mirror on the wall

Who’s the one I’m staring at?

When did the lines under his eyes get so deep?

Are those wrinkles permanent now?

His resting face

I don’t understand it

So much has changed that I recognize the features like déjà vu

Has he given up?

Are the dreams still as colourful in his head?

68


And I fight

So I can use the emotion

One day

Instead of it using me

69


I let a girl mess me up

I’m still pulling together

So I play a few songs

I hope that you hear them

I grew out my hair

Would you still recognize me?

Cuz I’d hear you if I was deaf

Memorized all the ways I adore you

And I see how you walk in other girls

Seen your smile, and the way that you laugh

But no one can put it together, nobodies’ eyes, are as blue as your own

I can’t eat lasagna anymore

It’s like I’m cheating on you with your favourite

I deleted your number but I could still call you

It’s not easy to forget

What’s a song with no chorus?

I’m certain it’s lost

And you were my perfect refrain

70


You hear the saying, “nothing good happens after 10pm,” but also everything happens

after 10pm. So many pivotal moments in life happen during the dying end of the day, or

everything happens at the beginning and nothing after.

71


I miss the giggles

72


We forget the compliments and emphasize the negatives

Why?

Let the smallest flower marvel in their own brilliance

73


Depths

The wind disturbs the lake

I stare at the pure blue pool

My reflection is perfect

I’m distraught as the breeze ruins the mirror

Ripples, hazing the image in my eye

Waves roll creating the 3rd dimension

I want to go deeper

Gusts swirl the perimeter

Whitecaps propel the painting in the water

I want more

Myself, so distorted and flawed

A tsunami couldn’t pacify me

Each trough I lose my identity

My repression

Reaches an inferno

I dive in

Depths of myself

Cold and dusty

Water chokes me

Drowning while I learn

My portrait wasn’t perfect

The storm took my shallow layers away

74


I’ll weave these words into a blanket, but not for me

For you there’s never any fee

I can’t sing and honestly I’ve got no rhythm

But enough art to never fit a logarithm

Don’t let the sad songs confuse you, I’m a happy soul

It’s just past relationships have taken their toll

Thirsty but not tired I’ll keep soldiering on

Strong even though the girl is long gone

75


Kalona

A lonely road, so lost that its curves search for meaning

Tucked away neatly so its presence is seen but not heard

A mantle top piece, for quiet consideration in the evening

Unjustly concealed by its ascribed status

Stalled of its growth like a backyard clematis

Merely a necessity, yet none can question its beauty

Sadly too few wonder if it can do more than just duty

76


Sometimes I wonder if you think the same thing I do

One of us would have to pick up the phone

But I don’t know if either of our hearts could handle that

77


I’m not sure if sad songs actually help when you’re depressed, but who can blame a

person desperate for comfort?

78


But didn’t I save you with this poem?

Are those pills the only cure you know?

79


The Thickest Wallpaper

The finest dressed man sat in the corner of the coffee shop

He is wallpaper, so he picked the most interesting design

What is life if ascribed to an empty room?

His passive existence, chained to the life of a spectator

Briefly hoping the intricacies of his appearance would act as a lighthouse, guiding more

souls into his life

Living for the fleeting moments where the words he hears pass the line of the superficial

The introvert’s greatest curse: lacking flint

80


Don’t belittle someone’s problem. It may not seem like a big issue to you, but to them it is.

There was once a time when you probably stressed over the same thing, so who are you

to make someone feel worse? Build people, don’t judge them.

81


Am I living in the present? Or am I just getting by, pushing through to another moment in

the future I’ve determined more pleasant? Enjoy the joy of everyday

82


It would probably be easier if I stopped writing about you

But I dream about the day when my words slowly morph to someone else

And all you are is a couple throwaway verses I keep as a reminder

83


The bird soars through the sky, seeing vantages we can only dream of. The sights from

above are remarkable, but can a bird comprehend beauty? Is its flight so routine it

becomes blind? I’ve longed to fly, to feel the wind in my hair as I view the masterpiece

below me. But please, clip my wings. Don’t let me fly. May I dream and yearn and never

allow art to just be a tint on my glasses.

84


An old friend visited me today, I should have expected him. He always comes

unannounced, you know someone who always has bad timing? We were enemies for the

longest time, but the battle wore me down. I broke. I lost myself and kept digging. More

content to be in pain than to lose my pride. I lay in a hole with a ladder. At my lowest I had

to reach for him to help. It was weird, all my life I had shunned him, but he didn’t hesitate

to pull me out. I thought his hands would be covered in dirt, but I was shocked to see that

was only true for my own. His ugliness isn’t endearing, but we can function now at least.

The day I became friends with sadness, I conquered my largest beast.

85


I can’t date a rose

I’ll always need to improve

While your scent draws me close the thorns pierce

Dooming me to never grow

Instead, let me meet fertilizer

Together we’ll become a garden

86


I never knew the time when we were together

I only knew it was never enough

87


I have no idea if I am progressing, that’s the hardest part. For all this time I should have

something to show for it, yet now it seems like I’ve barely crossed the starting line. I

changed, but I don’t know if it was a good change. My doubts still scream at me. The

checkered flag is so far away I don’t even know if there is one. There may be no end, and

I’m not sure which reality I prefer.

88


You never really hurt

You left that all up to me

89


I know I’m ready to give from my heart once again

I just don’t know if I can do it more than once

90


“Are you sure that’s how you feel?” As if I didn’t wish I felt like anything except this. Ask me

this when I’m healing, please knock me down a step. Then tell me to just “be happy” and

coat the stairs I’m trying to climb back up with grease and tacks.

91


My demons visited last night...

And by visiting I mean that they set fire to all the progress I had made since my breaking

92


You expect me to grow yet you never water me

93


Lately, the worlds been in monochrome

I can’t escape this metronome

Trees look like skeletons now

Telephone rings irritate somehow

I don’t shake at the scary reels

There’s no capacity for goosebumps feels

Never eating it all tastes like orange juice and toothpaste

Wanting the reaper to make haste

I’m a stock photo that never got developed

Just another cog that’s been enveloped

Sometimes I fantasize about breaking the fourth wall

Till I realize I’d be as awful as Saul

Rather I let the hoarfrost gather on my features

When spring comes there’ll be no one in the bleachers

94


I can’t fall for someone who’s a pack of cigarettes

The high is so brief but I ache when it’s gone

95


I’ve given up

I’m always going to love you

I can’t say I don’t care when I do

I’m going to keep loving

And that’s okay

I know one day someone else will eclipse this feeling

96


I don’t want to admit that I’m lonely, when I’m trying to be so strong. It’s natural to miss

the comfort of a body lying beside your own. Am I good enough to be by myself? I don’t

think that’s a question. None of us really are, we just manage to get by.

97


But do you remember that week we lived at the beach?

The memories are too precious to ever throw away

But when I think about you that’s what hurts the most

I’m thankful there was a moment we loved each other so much

That no matter the pain I’ll never forget how special you are

98


“Why did you drink so much?”

Because I woke up without the one I was dreaming about

99


I’m never more alive than when I’m surrounded by art

That’s why I choose to be with you

100


Will you be my mulligan?

I want it to go right

But I’m not sure I can

Because the others have always left

So let me try again

Just don’t get your hopes up

101


I dreamt about you last night

I know that’s nothing new

But it was the first time

I wanted to wake up

102


Don’t feel guilty we’re both lonely

I can tell because you cry when you hold me

Who do I remind you of?

How can love mark such a beautiful dove?

Right now you’re broken, filled with despair

What I’d give to be the one to do the repair

Like a gorgeous painting with an awful smear

I’ll add my colours till you become clear

103


Those tiny movements

I feel those the most

Because when it all whirls by

I feel like I haven’t felt at all

104


It’s not fair, a flower refused its sun

And it’s not fair to let you have hope in something that can never be reciprocated

And it’s not fair to ignore the elephant

And it’s not fair I made you feel this way

And it’s just not fair but I’m going to hurt you one more time

And it’s not fair but perhaps I can make my name into a fog

So one day it’s so hazy you can never recall it back

105


Love is better without a lifejacket.

I know you’re scared, and frankly, I’m a terrible swimmer, but there’s nothing for us in the

kiddie pool.

Will you jump off the deep end with me?

106


A curious spark lights the introvert

When another comes close enough to touch him

She’s shocked at first how her hand falls right through

He simply whispers, follow me

Vulnerability only exists in intimacy

He lays on the table

And hands her the tattoo gun

She puts the ink in so deep it’s like she never left a mark

But he’ll always know

Even though no one can see

Some feelings, which have been permanently etched, inside

107


My world shook

When you said you loved me

Because I hate myself

And to meet a polar made my world turn upside down

108


It’s not a drunk text

It wouldn’t have been different if I was sober

It just wouldn’t have been sent

109


3rd Degree Burns

I don’t want to kiss your lips, can our souls touch instead? Rather than jumping under the

covers, how about I dive into your mind? Let me swim inside your thoughts, immerse in all

your dreams. Explore my body, but please go deeper. This heart has scars only you can

heal. I can hold your hand or I can hold you up. If we hug will we become one for a

moment? Your body is beautiful, but all I want is to look into your eyes. A galaxy is waiting

there to be marvelled, a world that can’t be mapped. Each day together forms our own

language. Nobody else can speak, nobody else can see.

110


Those rare days of happiness remind you of why it’s worth fighting for

111


Did you know I waited all my life to write you these poems?

I was committed to you before I even knew your soul

112


The worst part about the first heartbreak is that for some reason we believe we only get

one chance at love. Like true love only exists in one person. No, love isn’t an eclipse you

get one chance to see, love is as plentiful as the openness of your heart

113


End of Part 1

114


playing with hearts - · pdf fileplaying with hearts© - nicholas ryan ... so i’d...

Documents