FIRST READING Frankie: Holy, Canoli! We're back on earth --- again! Smudge: And we're in Cissna Park -- again! Jinx: Why did we come back -- again? Frankie: I wasn't told. Were you? (to Smudge) Smudge: Nuh unh. You? (to Jinx) Sparky: Nuh unh. You? (to Sparky) Jinx: Nun unh. You? (to audience) (He lets out a gasp) Hey you guys, I see live people. Smudge: I recognize some of them. Jinx: Me too. Sparky: They look, somehow, different. Frankie: Kinder? Sparky: No Smudge: Smarter? Jinx: No Frankie: Older? ALL: Ooh, yeah, that's it. Sparky: Excuse me, 'scuse me, what year is it right now? (after person responds) 2008 Jinx: We must look older too? Sparky: Not me, I used a post-mortal moisturizer. Smudge: I thought so. Sparky: It gets rid of all the dead skin. Frankie: Guys. I'm scared that we're in way over our auras. We wouldn't have been sent back if we

didn't have some mission of grave import. Why are we here? Smudge: Are there any clues? Sparky: Microphones Frankie: An audience Jinx: A stage Frankie: All signs point to doing a show Smudge: Not another show. But we already did a show.

We got our dream. We got everything we ever wanted. Frankie: Maybe it's not about us. Maybe it's about something

more important than our petty desires, fears and ambitions. ALL: Oh............................Nah. Sparky: Everybody take a deep breath. Now, let's do a show Franke: My asthma's coming back..... Jinx: I getting a nosebleed again..... Smudge: My ulcer's acting up again.... Sparky: I'm nervous.... Jinx: I'm panicked..... Smudge: I'm rolling over in my grave right now. I'm leaving! Frankie: Smudge come back here! Sparky: C'mon, C'mon, guys. We could make the biggest comeback since Capri pants!

STOP HERE

SECOND READING

Frankie: Ladies and Gentlemen, please forgive us. Our auras must be receiving static. We'll get back to the show in a moment, in the meantime.....uhhh, Smudge, cover for us....

Smudge: Why me? Frankie: Because I can't breathe, Jinx needs time to coagulate, and Sparky turns everything into a joke. Smudge: What'll I say? Frankie: You just have to talk to them. Tell them about anything to take everyone's mind off the holidays. Smudge: (Pause - look around hesitantly) Uh....while Jinx is clotting, I'll forge ahead. You know that saying

"you can't take it with you?" Well, you can, you're allowed one suitcase. So we took our props and the

bass charts. I know I'm not supposed to talk about the holidays but that's all I can think about now. I guess it's what we miss the most out of being alive. We figured out that the way to make people have that cozy feeling was by us having our own TV Christmas Special. You see my parents were separated. And the only time we were together was at Christmas. And the only time we were together and not yelling was when we were watching TV. Every year, while we were watching Perry Como, Dean Martin, or Milton Berle's Christmas show, Mom or Dad would get decked up in a Santa suit. And when Perry or Dean or Uncle Miltie would get to the annual Santa Claus Sketch, Mom or Dad would act it out live for us---just to the side of the Zenith. They'd pretend to give us presents as they passed out empty gift boxes. Then, when the show was over, Dad or Mom would go home to their other families. We, the Plaids, all had stories of the soothing effects of Holiday Television programming. So, we decided on the same dream. We made a model of what the TV studio set would be like for our own Christmas Special.

and here is the snow.... (he sprinkles snow on the set).... Whenever we'd get low or scared about our lives, we'd gather in my basement and sing Christmas carols -- even in August! We'd dream of doing our own TV Christmas Special. We stare at the set real hard and sing to lock in our dreams. STOP HERE

THIRD READING

Smudge: (to Frankie) You stay here and keep the show going. Frankie: What'll I do? This is not what we had planned. Jinx: You can do Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer, only as a solo, a cappella. Frankie: No, not Rudolph!!!! Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sorry. I really am. This song has

always been upsetting to me. Oh, gosh.... (Frankie has trouble breathing but goes on without his inhaler)...I could never make it through without getting the sweats. It has something to do with Rudolph's eagerness to fit in. Despite his efforts, he was ostracized by his peers. They use to laugh and call him names. They never let "poor" Rudolph join in any reindeer games. Why didn't Rudolph say to those narrow-minded bucks, "Fine, I don't want to be in your reindeer-games, fine!"

What are reindeer-games anyway? But he couldn't confront them. He wanted so much to be accepted. So he turned his anger inward. He beat himsefl up. He was mad at himself for being "special". He thought it was all his fault. He felt worthless and low. Sooo very low. "Then one foggy Christmas eve", when they were desperate for light, Rudolph was their only recourse. They only included him for his nose. They would've removed it if they could've but ---tough--all of Rudolph came with it. He became their living fog lights. Then - "Then all the reindeer loved him and they shouted out with glee".

Well, I say "too little, too late!" (Realizes he is a little carried away with his own feelings,

he notices audience and calms down...... Oh, sorry. You see, I always admired Rudolph. He was an inspiration. He let go of his hurt and need for revenge. He stayed focused on the bigger picture. I could never do what Rudolph did. He was so selfless. And he was accepted by the majority. But there's a bittersweetness to his final acceptance. After that night, he was a beacon, a star. But he was still alone. He stuck out when no one like him and he stuck out when he was a hero. Rudolph, if you're listening, you would have made a great Plaid.

Now, what about that Frosty the Snowman? Does anyone realize the sheer terror that song evokes?

STOP HERE

Fourth Reading

Jinx: Although most of our shows were of a more intimate nature, we did manage to appear in the public eye on more than one occasion. (Pulls out cut out newspaper article)

The scranton Chronicle, April 19th, 1959: "Bobby Darin sells out at the Safari Room of the Sheraton. Don't worry, there are plenty of seats across the street at the Swingland Aleey, where the Ladies Championship Bowling League will be crooned to by local singing group, Forever Plaid. This group's sound is to contemporary music as Formica is to marble."

Frankie interrupts: -- We decided to take that as a compliment. Jinx: Jinx continues:

The Bethlehem New Dispatch, December 15, 1961. "Auto collision leaves star of Kraft Music Hall, Perry Como, stranded in town."

Sparky: This is the story of the Christmas Cardigan. One blizzardy, December day, we, the Plaids, received a panicky, emergency call to sub for the Hep-Tones at the opening of the annual Fondue Festival, which was being held at the Knights of Columbus meeting hall in Bethlehem, PA. We knew that Perry Como was coming to Bethlehem to do his NBC Christmas Special. We were just numb with excitement at the chance to actually see a glimpse of Perry or even his car or even his chauffeur or even....his treadmarks. It It was almost show time. There we were backstage at the Knights of Columbus cafegymnatorium when outside the service entrance, we heard a crash. Perry Como's Fleetwood limo had skidded into out Cherry Red, 54 Mercury Convertible. This was great. Now we'd have to see him. At least in court. But wait, it gets even better. Since he had to wait inside for alternate transportation, he was forced to watch our show. And if that wasn't enough, his back up singers were stranded over two hundred miles away.

"Mr. Como" I said. "we realize that you don't have your back up singers for your Christmas Special tomorrow. And we know that nothing should silence the true voice of Christmas. So, we are available to be of service to you in any position you like."

A steely, stunned silence pervaded the nippy air. The audience looked at us with the expressions of dogs, when you give them a command they haven't learned yet. Then, Mr. Como stood up and, in his voice of resonant, yet understated compassion, said he'd be honored if we'd sing with him. We thought we'd died and gone to heaven....But that came much later. STOP HERE