pimped by parasites? parthenia onassis …€¦ · web viewgiving, forgiving and gratitude: tools...

CHAPTER 7

GIVING, FORGIVING AND GRATITUDE:TOOLS FOR TRANSCENDING THE EGO

Forgiveness is a correction for a hostile thought. All of our problems can be solved by changing our minds about them. There is only one problem: guilt, separation or grievances and only one solution: the miracle of forgiveness [which ends separation through joining with others]. Forgiveness is the final illusion that ends all illusions by teaching us that there are no illusions. Forgiveness is this world’s equivalent of heaven’s love. It is the home of miracles. Each lily of forgiveness offers the world the silent miracle of love. We forgive ourselves through forgiving others. The more forgiven we feel, the easier it is for us to forgive others. – A Course in Miracles

Humiliation ranks among the most difficult personal injuries to forgive [because it] robs us of our primal power of self-protection … [W]e feel we have failed to protect ourselves from one of the most painful of all personal traumas. To forgive an action of humiliation … makes no sense to the reasoning mind that views matters through the lens of innocence and retribution … a desire to hurt others as much as we have been hurt … The ego remains locked into the history of the wound … [Thus], forgiveness is a mystical directive, not a rational one … - Caroline Myss, PhD. – author of Defy Gravity

The power of forgiveness and gratitude often go unappreciated because few are taught and even fewer understand that “forgiveness is a transcendent force that releases you from far more than the individual with whom you have a painful history. Forgiveness releases you from an ego state of consciousness that clings to a need for justice built around the fear of being humiliated, based on prior experiences of humiliation” (Myss 13). According to A Course in Miracles, what complicates the forgiveness process is the “immense amount of unconscious fear we have of love along with our fear of God. The Ego would teach that if you really let go of all this fear, God will destroy you.” After all, the Bible teaches that God threw the first couple out of Paradise and punished all of their descendants for their sin. A workbook lesson in “A Course In Miracles’ says: ‘I will be still an instant and go home,’ which seems to suggest that we could correct all of this in the snap of a finger [or in the twinkling of an eye], but for our fear” (Wapnick).

A Course in Miracles also stresses that “trials are but lessons you failed to learn presented once again, so that where you made a faulty choice before, you can now make a better one” (Wapnik). Greg Braden reveals in his book, Fractal Time, that the earth and its inhabitants all repeat cycles which tend to grow bigger and more traumatic with each re-occurrence. Thus, childhoods filled with fear, distrust, insecurity, abandonment, or lovelessness, tend to evolve into adulthoods that attract cycles of situations similar to the archetypes imprinted from childhood. Moreover, when agonizing memories of childhood go unforgiven, they come up for healing in the form of painful relationships that worsen each time the cycle is repeated. The fact that divorce rates are at 60% is a clear indicator of the challenges couples face in sustaining intimate relationships. The relationship challenge is further exacerbated by the fact that

PIMPED BY PARASITES? PARTHENIA ONASSIS GRANT,PH.D 2010

adults who do not forgive or who fail to consciously reconcile the pain of childhood, tend to move into adult relationships that:

are co-dependent; feed off of fear, pain and misery; are devoid of open, honest and authentic communication; have an undercurrent of resentment and anger festering open wounds; or attract individuals with no internal locus of control, which creates instability and chaos.

WHY BOTHER WITH FORGIVENESS?

A Course in Miracles teaches that forgiveness opens the doors to love, miracles, and ultimate reunion with the Divine. Dr. Caroline Myss, in her book Why People Don’t Heal and How they Can, says that “Divine Energy will not flow into those unwilling to forgive.” Kabbalah espouses “restricting” the egotistical desire to “receive for the self alone” by sharing and giving ruthlessly, particularly to those who have committed trespasses. Kabbalah also stresses that when one is selfish, (i.e., withholding forgiveness, compassion, or goods) one is shutting oneself off from the Light, which is the source of all good things.

As verified by The HeartMath Institute’s research, forgiving others is a gift you give yourself to prevent the heart from producing cortisol, which attacks the immune system. Moreover, everyone is doing the best they can from their own level of awareness and consciousness; and we tend to innately operate from a sense of self preservation, which can unconsciously exclude others.

FAMILY OFFERS THE GREATEST OPPORTUNITY TO PRACTICE FORGIVENESS

In reality, relationships are everything. There is little that does not involve relating to somebody or something (even if it’s yourself, a computer, or a pet). And it all beings with parental relationships which set the tone for how well one communicates with others, or not, and builds the foundation for the types of relationships one will attract over and over again in life. The stage for either disaster and desperation or fulfillment and joy is set early on by the dynamics created within parent/child relationships and those between siblings.

Regardless of how poor a job you may feel your parents performed or how abusive or neglectful those parents were, the fact is, those same parents or parental figures could have quite easily aborted you as a child, left you to die, given you up for adoption, or made you disappear when you were a helpless infant or toddler and claimed it was an accident, but they did not. In fact, they took care of you when you were helpless and could not take care of yourself. And that process took years, because, of all mammals, humans are the most helpless offspring for the longest period of time. Thus, if you are reading this, that means you are still alive and your parents had a hand in that somewhere down the line. And, make no mistake about it, being alive is a precious thing, regardless of how your Ego has convinced you that life sucks. In fact, only those misled by their egos will argue that life is not precious.

In reality, no parent is given mandatory parenting classes, and none have to pass a test or get a license to become parents; thus, the average parent parents through ignorance and/or poor modeling passed down by their parents who didn’t know any better either. The hard truth is that every parent does the best they can under the circumstances; thus, forgiveness is called for in that they could NOT have done everything wrong, otherwise you would not still be here reading this page.


Children who grow into adults while harboring conscious or unconscious resentment toward parents are at a loss to find lasting happiness, peace of mind, or satisfaction in relationships with others until they find a way to appreciate their parents/caretakers and find gratitude and appreciation for the lessons learned from them and the gifts they were given by them. Every relationship has a lesson or a gift in it and sometimes the lesson is the gift.

Admittedly, before adolescence, most children do not have the critical thinking skills nor the emotional intelligence to make sound, responsible decisions, which is where parents or adult role models come in. Granted, there are those children who are born at high levels of consciousness (i.e., “old souls”); they are innately able to use the light within to protect them from harm. This ability appears to have been earned from previous lifetimes or from good karma. For most, however, adversity, obstacles or challenges appear as signposts for teaching lessons, be that lesson: how to set boundaries; the importance of respecting the self and others; the incredible value of self reliance; or the amazing sense of competence that comes from speaking up for the self.

BEGIN WITH FORGIVING YOUR MOTHER

A Course in Miracles stresses that forgiving others is the best way to forgive yourself, since we are all one. Quantum physics also teaches the principle of unity, which equates to oneness. In that our grudges tend to begin early on with parental figures, it would be wise to start with forgiving them first. Parents create the paradigm through which children view all relationships (intimate or otherwise). Thus, a broken, shaky or nonexistent relationship with parents will be reflected in every other relationship, which is why it is important to set parental relationships right first.

The Ego always wants to know what’s in it for him/her. So, it is important to point out that, resentment and lack of gratitude toward a mother figure, regardless of what the mother failed to give or the harm she may have intentionally or unintentionally caused, attracts needless or unexpected obstacles that can prevent individuals from fully reaping the benefits of their labor. It also creates perpetual struggle in life, which is why one should rush to forgive the mother figure for every wrong one thinks she may have committed. On a deeper level, mothers model love by teaching a child how to receive and give love. For instance, a man holding on to resentment or non-forgiveness towards his mother will be unable to give or to accept love from a woman. It will also be highly unlikely that such a man can enjoy a truly intimate, fulfilling or loving relationship with a woman until he learns to forgive his mother. By the same token, a man who has not individuated or separated from his mother cannot have a truly fulfilling relationship with a woman because his mother will always come first, which creates unnecessary friction between the wife and/or girlfriend. Moreover, a woman who has issues with her mother will have problematic relationships with other women.

FATHERS AND FINANCIAL SECURITY In that the role of the male is to protect and provide, any unhealed father figure relationship can create emotional insecurity, financial instability, debt, and/or unstable work histories, which translates into cash disappearing soon after the check is deposited, inability to keep a job, or to successfully manage business ventures, which applies to both men and women who have daddy issues. A primary role of the father figure is to teach children how to “feel the fear and do it anyway” as Dr. Susan Jeffers would say. Fear prevents one from taking financial risks. And any successful business person will attest to the fact that to become financially successful entails learning how to taking calculated risks. Dr. Michael


Beckwith of Agape International Spiritual Center points out that being in debt indicates an attitude of non forgiveness or a belief that one is owed something by someone. After letting go of past hurts, losses and resentments toward father figures, one creates the space for abundance to move in and close the gap that was filled by resentment and non-forgiveness.

Resentment towards a father figure also creates adversarial relationships with God for both men and women since patriarchy created God in the image of man. Specifically, women who have issues with their father, in general, will have problematic relationships with men.

CHALLENGES TO FORGIVING

Granted, asking adults, who have been emotionally and/or physically abused or financially abandoned by a parental figure, to forgive such parents, let alone be grateful to them, appears to be asking a lot, especially from minds mired in the mud of the Ego, which associates forgiveness with self betrayal. Further, pain of betrayal by someone who has returned love and loyalty with unkindness or ingratitude feels like a slap in the face. When the offender tries to make amends, the cycle of pain and payback continues if the offender is rebuffed or rejected. Reasons for holding on to resentments and rejecting amends may be because the offended person:

feels that the offender does not deserve to be forgiven; believes the offender will repeat the same offense; suspects the offer may be insincere or a trap; may feel that the offender has not repented sufficiently; fears that accepting the gesture might obligate the offended is afraid the offender will deny wrongdoing, play the victim, or project blame.

The foregoing are all judgments. The truth is no one can get inside another’s mind to evaluate when the other has suffered sufficiently. In reality, the Ego would have others suffer unto eternity. The point is that forgiveness is the quickest path to grace and oneness with the Divine. Moreover, atonement balances the scales on both ends by restoring the self worth of each party that gets automatically damaged by every act that is out of alignment or integrity.

GAMES THE EGO PLAYS

Even when egotistical people are wrong as two left feet, their egos compel them to be right at all costs. The truth is irrelevant. The fact is that the Ego is the father of the lie, is offended by the truth and is incapable of being peaceful in the present moment.

Instead, the ego prefers to distract humanity from achieving the peace and love it deserves by getting them caught up in playing the following childish games that perpetuate craziness, chaos and drama:

(1) dominating others; (2) avoiding being dominated by others; (3) being right; (4) making others wrong; (5) covering up for mistakes made; (6) not taking responsibility by blaming others for their mistakes


Becoming aware of the games the ego plays makes it easier not to get pulled into its drama and to choose not to take any of the Ego’s nonsense personally. The Catch 22 is that Ego identified individuals feed off of provoking anger and negativity in others so that it can feed off of their pain which distracts them from their own pain body.

THE PAY OFF FOR BEING A VICTIM

The Ego loves to play the victim by complaining about how badly it has been treated because it knows it can easily elicit empathy, pity or compassion by wearing its pain or victimhood as a badge of courage. “Misery” does, indeed, “love company.”

When one operates from the ego, there is a disconnect between emotions, objectivity and logic that result in a failure to use common sense or to listen to intuition, which is right 99.9% of the time. In effect, the Ego prefers commiserating with other Ego driven individuals who are also disconnected, thereby explaining why millions end up living “lives of quiet desperation,” chaos, or perpetual drama. The problem with common sense concepts is that common sense is not so very common among that 78% vibrating below the level of courage who excuse foolish or self defeating behavior in themselves and others.

OBSTACLES TO FORGIVENESS

It is true, and Caroline Myss, PhD, cogently points out that people who have been horribly abused as a child DO need to have their injuries “witnessed by someone worthy, because witnessing with respect grants dignity to a person’s wounds, and that is essential to the healing process. But remaining in the psyche of the wound, no matter how deep, is like setting up house in a cemetery for the rest of your life.” That is where evolved therapists, teachers, shamans, and ministers play valuable, transformative roles. Even as bleak as the foregoing quote may sound,

Every part of your mind and emotions will battle with a directive to forgive because the ego needs to have its day in court … Reason will partner with pride to produce grand arguments for why you are entitled to maintain your wounds, however you acquired them.

Forgiveness is essential to healing because it requires you to surrender your ego’s need to have life fall into place around your personal version of justice … Forgiveness … is the act of accepting that there is a greater map of life … Forgiveness is your release from the hell of wanting to know what cannot be known and from wanting to see others suffer because they have hurt you (Myss 30).

Forgiveness represents a struggle not only between yourself and the person who harmed you, but between yourself and God … You begin to comprehend that individual justice, as such, can never really exist in its idyllic form within any society. The capacity to forgive is nothing less than the acceptance of a higher principle of divine justice, rather than earthly justice … when understood through this lens … events and relationships take on an impersonal quality. People’s actions are driven by forces that have nothing to do with you even though you might get harmed when you stand in the way (Myss 13).


Nelson Mandela shared the fact that for those who hate (which is separation from others), it is like drinking poison and expecting it to kill the person who caused the pain. In reality, the poison flows from ego identification, which creates stress that ages individuals, makes them sick and causes premature death.

THE PRICE OF NON-FORGIVENESS

Non forgiveness resonates at the same level as Anger (150) which breeds resentment and/or a need for revenge. Dr. Fred Luskin in Forgive to Love says that the “blessing of love is the most remarkable experience of your life.” That being the case, one should cherish it and “take a moment to silently give thanks” that someone picked you “out of the six billion people on earth” to love (Luskin 131).

Anger should be used as a springboard to get upset just enough to move out of a stressful or undesirable situation. That’s it! The challenge is that letting go of anger and resentment is the first step toward forgiveness. It is difficult, however, for most to find something to appreciate about the unforgiven individual. Again, it becomes easier by simply understanding that no one is all bad. Moreover, no one is perfect.

Why not do the selfish thing and forgive to get to love since love is what everyone is after anyway? More importantly, love is the realm of magic and miracles. When one finally figures that out, it becomes easier to move up the ladder past the six levels of separation between anger and love.

THE PROCESS OF FORGIVENESS

The forging begs the question: “how do I forgive parents for real or perceived wrongs, particularly parents who were abusive, neglectful or prone to abandonment.” Start by looking for one little thing this person did right by you, then focus on being grateful for that. This step holds true for forgiving anyone. Every time a painful memory comes up, ask yourself:

1. What fear is hiding behind this memory? 2. Is this fear valid in the present moment? 3. Was this fear real even back then or did I add a spin to it? 4. What part did my pride play in the problem?5. What could I have done differently to create a win/win vs. win/lose?

Then try:

living in the present by letting go of the past; looking for the gift hidden in the pain that keeps popping up; looking for something to be grateful for about that person or situation; focusing on the beauty, awe and wonder of simply being alive in the moment; or choosing thoughts that uplift and inspire versus thoughts that depress or stress the spirit.

To avoid getting pulled into personality disordered drama, practice not reacting to ploys designed to push your buttons or to pull you into egotistical games; it does, after all, “take two to Tango.” When you choose not to attack back; not to react negatively; to walk away peacefully; or to say no, an Ego driven individual will quickly find someone else to pull into his/her dance of anger.


Considering the fact that forgiveness is one of the most difficult challenges to master, due to the Ego’s need to be right or to exact vengeance, humanity requires Divine inspiration and/or assistance to win against the Ego’s stubborn “desire to receive for the self alone.”

The word “inspiration” is a derivative of “in spirit,” which sheds light on the admonition in A Course in Miracles to call on the Holy Spirit to inspire forgiveness. The Course offers the following three tier process for mastering forgiveness which moves one into the realm of the miraculous:

1. Always ask the Holy Spirit [i.e. your higher self] for help first before taking action on a problem. But before asking what to do, ask for help in removing your Ego investments in the outcome that would interfere with you hearing the answer.

2. It should become a habit to turn within quickly and ask for help to shift your perception of a person or situation that makes you upset or angry. The Course suggests that you call upon the Holy Spirit, then state that you are not at peace with the situation and ask for help in being at peace. The Course encourages one to choose the “peace of God” daily. (Wapnick).

3. Simply sit still, be quiet and monitor your thoughts that are not still. After asking for help, get yourself out of the way. It is not necessary to DO anything.

From a psychological perspective, it is helpful to identify the old wound or source event that keeps coming up to be healed.

Go within, during prayer or meditation, and ask to identify the source event surrounding the issue triggering a new cycle of pain.

Avoid staying stuck on the details of the painful situation or person.

Focus on identifying the underlying issue that keeps coming up for healing.

For instance, issues in both of my marriages that recycled themselves included: my need to feel safe with men who were not physically abusive because I had been abused as a child; and, sacrificing my dreams or putting them on hold to help my partner achieve his goals, stemming from not meeting my own my needs as a child as a result of having to take care of a sick mother and four younger siblings.

Early on, upon regularly witnessing men beat women and children in my family, I made a conscious decision to avoid relationships with men who have volatile tempers or violent behavior. Thus, I attracted androgynous men with broken wings who were non-threatening yet needy. Their neediness took the form of me as a trophy to look good in the eyes of others or them needing my expertise and talent to reach their goals. This situation created co-dependency and resentment on both sides. Naturally, when I left them, they felt angry and abandoned while I felt disillusioned for choosing men with high IQ’s yet low emotional IQ’s along with high levels of narcissism that rendered them incapable of meeting their own emotional needs let alone anyone else’s.

In the process, I learned that personal evolution and growth involves a willingness to master the lesson, to move beyond the injury, and never to look toward others to meet my own needs; everything I need to feel whole, perfect and complete is already inside of me. This insight now prevents me from going into new relationships as a beggar. Instead, I walk in as an Empress with no need of a begging bowl.


Challenges often create choices that can lead to new and better outcomes or situations. The good news is that the undesirable situation goes away once one lets go of resistance and the need to change anything other than one’s reaction.

It is essential to be honest with oneself and ask: “Do I want to be right (i.e. placate my Ego) or do I want to be at peace (move toward the Higher Self?). If the latter is the case, then it is important to focus one’s thoughts and energy on the outcome that is truly desired because it is truly a waste of time to focus on what one does not want in that such focus only ends up attracting disaster, the very thing one claims not to want. It is much more productive to spent time focusing on what one does want. A simple change in attitude can push one out of pain and bitterness and into peace and love.

SITTING WITH PAIN TO GAIN THE LESSON

Healing begins with a willingness to sit with one’s pain or the pain of others to hear its story and learn from it. Of course, this is quite the challenge for those below the level of courage (200) where the ego lives in denial, avoids truth at all costs and runs from the ring of fire or the center of their pain. Who can blame them, really? Pain is not for the weak or faint of heart and is certainly no picnic in the park. Unfortunately, refusing to face, work through, or learn from pain contributes to perpetuating ongoing cycles of pain coming up to be healed; diminished self esteem; incapacity to love; inability to trust again; a tendency to jump to conclusions without gathering all of the facts or evidence; making assumptions based on one side of the story only, usually the ego’s side, which has little or nothing to do with facts or reality; or holding grudges against someone who has not knowingly wronged the other; the wrong exists only in the ego’s mind or imagination. As mentioned in the previous chapter, Don Miguel Ruiz’s book The Four Agreements is a practical tool for raising consciousness.

In that the ego is hell bent on keeping individuals separate from each other, their God-selves, and the cosmos, while wreaking havoc on others and the very earth that sustains it, it is time to accept that we are at a point in the evolution of human consciousness where it is imperative to gain mastery over the ego and end its hold on humanity if the human race is to create the new Golden Age, which the Aquarian Age offers.

LETTING GO OF GRUDGES

The irony of holding a grudge is that the person that one is holding resentment against is usually not losing any sleep. The reasons are tri fold:

most people act out of self interest and do what they do primarily because they consider it in their best interest;

believe it or not, many actually think that they are acting in the best interest of those they hurt; everyone does the best they can, given their level of consciousness, education, information,

knowledge, skills or lack thereof; and most are unconscious and unaware of what they are doing.

Thus, it is pointless to hold individuals who are at low levels of consciousness, over infested with parasites, and who have arrested emotional development, to the standard of behavior one would those operating from higher levels of consciousness and emotional maturity. That realization alone can free


one from so much unnecessary upset over the callous behavior of others and from being constantly disappointed by those who are not even in conscious control over their behavior.

DETACHING FROM DESTRUCTIVE RELATIONSHIPS

Forgiveness does not necessarily mean remaining in a close relationship with parents or those who are unrepentant, still abusive, unloving and/or unduly harsh. It is perfectly okay to forgive difficult or abusive individuals (including family) from a distance and to keep them at a distance if they have yet to learn how to treat everyone in a kind, loving or considerate manner. Finding a way to forgive them, no matter what, is what is important.

Crucial to my own healing was separating myself from personality disorders who lacked consideration, appreciation or kindness. Clearly, I ought to know the toxic effects of personality disorders since I wrote one of the first books for the layman on that topic: I Thought I Was The Crazy One – 201 Ways to Identify and Deal With Toxic People, under my adopted name “Ruthie” Grant. That book was also a part of my dissertation. “Parthenia” is my birth name: Ruthie is my adopted name.

Even though I do not believe in burning bridges, there are some situations and relationships that need to be put completely behind; thus, my understanding of the meaning of Christ commanding, “get thee behind me, Satan.” Truly some people are in our lives to teach us a lesson and once you get the lesson, it is best to quickly move on.

I had to go all the way to India to Oneness University to truly learn and integrate most of the following insights I that I learned from my ex-husband and now practice:

(1) To follow my first mind, especially in affairs of the heart where one often fails to listen to the voice of intuition. In fact, the first time I met Pierre-Martin, I avoided him because my instincts told me: “He wants something from you.” Boy, was I right. I had to work long and hard on forgiving myself for not following my instincts;

(2) Initially, whenever a negative thought or bad memory came up, I would say a prayer of forgiveness then focus on something more pleasant. Eventually, I learned to center on staying in a place of good will and grace towards everything and everybody.

(4) To avoid trying to fix broken winged men or other individuals looking for someone to prop them up;

(5) To honor my innately nurturing side by using it to serve those with an attitude of gratitude and appreciation vs. insatiable and ungrateful, ego driven individuals;

(6) That pain is the ultimate motivator. For example: the divorce led me to look for natural solutions to the debilitating symptoms of lupus triggered by stress, which led me to live, plant based nutrition, to write this book, and to experience a complete renewal of mind, body and spirit.

(7) To never enter another courtroom looking for justice when I can avoid the problem altogether by setting my ego aside and taking the path of peace. This can be accomplished by giving individuals who have a poverty consciousness all that I possibly can because I know how to tap directly into the source of all supply, which is endless.


(8) That the time invested in learning my lessons was not time lost at all because I ran into my higher self along the way and was ultimately united with my disowned and abandoned selves. Now we throw exclusive, “private, parties” with only ourselves in attendance doing what India Arie advises in her song, “celebrating the woman I’ve become.”

(9) That within each devastating loss is a big, beautiful blessing in disguise; one just has to find the wherewithal to receive it with gratitude without looking back with regret over what was lost in the process, especially when one learns that there is so much more waiting in an abundant universe of unlimited wealth, power and potential. All I have to remember is that I am a Divine emanation of the Creator of all that is, as is everyone else; some are simply slower than others in recognizing the divinity that is in themselves and in everyone else.

GRATITUDE AND HUMILITY

Gratitude not only invalidates the ego, it helps to heal the ancient wound of separation from others and from Source Energy. We are each a part of the human heart and anything we do to others we are, in effect, doing to ourselves, good or bad. So it makes sense to give out as much good as one can since it comes back to the self anyway. This includes having the courage to tell others the truth and not allowing them to take advantage or violate one’s boundaries.

Another powerful death blow to the ego is acknowledging that one does not truly know another. In fact, one does not even know oneself, nor does one fully understand the underlying reasons why one does what one does. So how can one expect to truly know another? On top of that, it is impossible to change others so why not expend that energy on improving oneself, which is a full time job.

Further, in that one often lies to oneself, what makes one think that others won't lie as well? When one takes into consideration that most people suffer from low self esteem, it is easy to acknowledge that much of what many people tell others about themselves has been fabricated to make them look good or to gain acceptance. Further, one has no way of getting inside of other people’s experiences or pain that is compelling them to act from a limited paradigm or world view. One tends to judge others based on how one would have behaved in a given situation, which is a logical fallacy in that even siblings who are raised in the same household do not behave the same under similar conditions.

FORGIVING WITH ZERO LIMITS

Every day I consciously work on healing the faulty program inside of me that attracts anything negative or conflicting in my life. Even though I was already innately practicing the “Zero Limits” process whenever things got overwhelming in my life, after reading Zero Limits by Joe Vitale and Dr. I. Hew Len, I came to appreciate the importance of practicing it EVERY DAY, to prevent mole hills of stress or negativity from turning into mountains and to maintain an ongoing state of inner peace.

Dr. Ihaleakala Hew Len, co-author of Zero Limits reminds us that “the purpose of life is to be restored back to Love, moment to moment. To fulfill this purpose, the individual must acknowledge that he is 100 percent responsible for creating his life the way it is. He must come to see that it is his thoughts that create his life; the problems are not people, places, and situations but rather the thoughts of them.” One must be “willing to see that … they don’t need healing; you do … You are the source of all the experiences.” One begins by “cleaning the erroneous thoughts within that have actualized” as a problem within others. (Vitale 47, 5-7)


Dr. Len is the famous psychologist who cured an entire mental ward for the criminally insane, without ever seeing the patients. He read their files, identified with their pain, and then took responsibility for fixing the pattern within himself that manifested itself without. He used the following four step prayer/process of “I’m sorry;” “Forgive me:” “Thank you;” and “I love you.”

I AM SORRY acknowledges error in thinking and tells the “Divine that you want [help and] forgiveness inside yourself for whatever has gotten into your mind/body system” to cause the problem.

FORGIVE ME means you are “asking the Divine to help you forgive yourself... Asking for forgiveness clears the path for healing to manifest.” What blocks well being is “lack of love.” Forgiveness opens the door to allow it back in.

THANK YOU is “expressing gratitude” and “showing faith that the issue will be resolved for the highest good of all concerned.”

I LOVE YOU “transmutes the energy from stuck to flowing,” which means that you are now able to receive energy into the Zero void because you’ve cleared out the negative beliefs and memories that were keeping you stuck. “I love you” allows “Divinity to come in and fill the void with light.” I love you can be repeated over and over again and can be used even when not conscious of the problem and can be applied before engaging in an activity (Vitale 220, 205, 45).

When the soul experiences memories replaying as problems, say to them mentally or verbally: “I love you, memories; I am grateful for the opportunity to free all of you and me. A memory “is in the collective unconscious of mankind ... Our challenge is to clear all the programs so we are back at zero state, where inspiration can come in” (Vitale 48).

Why would one want to be at zero? Because “when you are zero, everything is available.” Being created in the image of the Divine means that “you were created void and infinite on one side of the coin. As soon as you are willing to let go of the trash and empty it … immediately what happens is inspiration fills your being.” The conscious mind has a choice: It can initiate incessant cleansing or it can allow memories to replay problems incessantly (Vitale 73, 219).

If the problem is with another person, ask: “What’s going on in me that’s causing this person to bug me?” then say “I’m sorry for whatever is going on. Please forgive me.” The individual “petitions love to rectify errors within” by saying “I am sorry. Please forgive me for whatever is going on inside of me that manifests as the problem. Love’s responsibility then is to transmute the errors within [oneself] that manifest as the problem” (Vitale 46, 47)

Dr. I. Hew Len says that “you cannot be denied anything that is perfect, whole, complete and right for you when you are your Self first … Allowing your toxic thoughts to be first, you automatically experience imperfection in the way of disease, confusion, resentment, depression, judgment and poverty.” To open the way for the inflow of Divine wealth requires first canceling memories. As long as memories (blocks/limitations) are present in the Subconscious, they block Divinity from giving us daily bread. As one cleans, new ideas are given. And some of them could make you very, very wealthy (Vitale 117, 119). To find out more about Zero Limits, go to www.hooponopono.org.

http://www.hooponopono.org/


TEMPERING THE EGOS OF CHILDREN

We all know that children who are overly indulged grow into self indulgent adolescents with no internal locus of control, resulting in a sense of entitlement that compels young adults to make unreasonable demands much like a terrible two year old. They tend to be a burden to the household by not contributing to the family and refusing or failing to perform their share of household chores or to pay their share of household expenses once they are old enough to do so. Later, they become a burden to society by not following rules of acceptable behavior or by not respecting the rights and property of others. This often ends up getting them sent to correctional institutions for truly ridiculous reasons, like failure to pay for moving traffic violations, especially in California, where traffic violations tend to be an easy avenue for LAPD to catch criminals. This is easy money for the city because most Egotistical adults are irresponsible, have contempt for laws, feel above the law, or do not have the discipline or presence of mind to take care of their bills. On the other hand, there are those highly intelligent, sophisticated criminals who make it a point to take care of details predicated on their Egotistical need to outsmart authorities by NOT getting caught; they take pride in beating the system.

When both parents use precept and example to model discipline and the importance of honoring boundaries, mutual respect, cooperation and consideration, children feel safe from the unmitigated reign of terror from the ego when it takes over residency during “the terrible two’s.” It is a definite hit and miss proposition when only one parent in the household sets the example. Moreover, the consequences tend to be much more serious when the father is the poor example of virtue because children look to the father for discipline and direction and to the mother for love. Single moms, who have to take over the father’s role along with her own, risk raising children who confuse discipline with love, or children who resent the mother for taking on the role of disciplinarian. Single moms would be better served enlisting a male member of the family or a male friend, such as a godfather, who is a good role model, to assume the role of disciplinarian so that she can be completely available to model love to the child.

CAUSE AND CONSEQUENCE FOR BAD BEHAVIOR IN CHILDREN

Parents who do not get a pre-school child’s ego under control before kindergarten are in for one hell of a ride for the rest of that child’s life since the child’s personality and paradigm are pretty much set by that age. Parents who do not prevent a child’s ego from running amuck will find it difficult to reframe a child’s view of the world after the age of five. That is why it is important to establish clear rules and boundaries at the onset of egotistical behavior and to establish clear consequences for violating them. Cause and consequence are more effective than beating the child and far more loving. My point is not to break the child’s spirit, or to domesticate the child, but to help the child grow into an understanding and appreciation for respect, empathy, compassion, consideration for others.

M. Scott Peck, aptly states in The Road Less Traveled that Americans suffer from a “disorder of discipline and a disorder of responsibility.” This is clearly apparent in a large portion of today’s youth. Parents often do not discipline their children because they fear the child’s disapproval or fear being reported to children’s protective services and having the child taken away. Thus, they may choose not to make their children responsible for something as simple as picking up their toys when they are young. Even toddlers can learn this task and will do it willingly when praised for the effort. Parents also overlook requiring that toddler’s treat others with consideration or respect during the “terrible two’s,” because they think the child is too young, or that the child cannot understand consideration, compassion, and respect and that when they violate these basic tenants of behavior, there are consequences, like no


television, treats or something they enjoy taken away or denied for a specific period of time. Alternatively, they can get “time out” in a corner where they must sit quietly for a specific time.

Since small children live in the moment, and do not easily grasp the concept of linear time, a few minutes of “time out” or having something they want or love taken away, is like eternity and can works wonders in teaching consequences. Conversely, the promise of a future reward of something the child loves (hopefully, his/her favorite “raw” dessert or “raw” chocolate bar) is incentive enough to entice favorable behavior. A tired, frustrated parent, especially one suffering from any of the many symptoms of Candida is working with foggy thinking and finds it difficult to implement consistent consequences for bad behavior.

WHAT YOU RESIST, PERSISTS AND WHAT YOU FOCUS ON EXPANDS

After writing I Thought I Was The Crazy One, I finally realized that the reason I had been a magnet for personality disorders all my life was so that I could (1) write a book on personality disorders for the layman [art acts as a form of catharsis for exorcising one’s inner demons] and (2) find the wherewithal to transcend my attraction to personality disorders. I was not aware, at the time, that it was my focus on and attention toward personality disorders that attracted them to me. It took a few years after the book was published, a second divorce, and a fellowship to Oneness University in India to practice, fully embrace and live what I had already learned.

Much of the time, my journey toward joy was painful due to my resistance and desire to control or change the bad behavior of others. I did not get that all I had to do was focus my attention on the things that I wanted, instead of fighting against the things I did not want, in order to manifest what I did want. Instead, I was creating and calling forth what I did not want by focusing too much of my thoughts and energy on that. For instance, I used to waste a lot of time, energy and money trying to remedy situations, crisis and conflicts created by others, when all I had to do was avoid engaging my energy in such situations or spending time with individuals who thrive off of negativity. The logical fallacy was that pushing against what I did not want would make it go away, when all I had to do was turn my back on it, walk way and focus my time and energy on feeling good and being attentive to what I wanted instead of what I did not want. Wow! Every penny I spent in the process and every agony I endured turned out to be worth the reward of learning that simple lesson. And I am grateful for every rascal who came into my life just to teach me that, including my ex-husbands, Horace and Pierre.

THE GIFT OF DISCERNMENT AND DETACHMENT

“At this point in my life, I want to live as if love is the only thing that matters.”-Tracy Chapman

I can truly say that the peace I now experience in my life is so worth the pain I had to go through to gain the wherewithal and the courage to reprogram the faulty program in me that was attracting toxic people or keeping them in my life. Now, I no longer allow needy, fraudulent souls who, at one time, used to win my affection while depleting my bank accounts. The gifts of discernment, gratitude and forgiveness have granted me a blessed life with only a select few in my inner circle, even though being a professor, public speaker and author require that I interact with many people. After divorcing, Pierre, who was, without a doubt, the smoothest, most narcissistic sociopath I have ever been privileged to encounter, it took a fellowship to Oneness University in India for me to find gratitude in my heart


toward him in order to free myself from the toxic effects of resentment. For instance, in India, I was asked to find something I was grateful to Pierre for. Initially, the only thing I could come up with that I was grateful to my ex for was unmasking his dark side sooner rather than later. Otherwise, I would have lost a lot more than two years of my life and a lot of energy and money to get him out of my life permanently.

My new found energy and peace of mind have permitted me to focus on unconditionally loving myself, others and everything around me. Love of self dictates letting go of any idea, belief or person who does not serve the self or who does not contribute to the overall personal growth and well-being of everyone concerned. Self respect also dictates enforcing healthy boundaries while automatically respecting the right and necessity for others to make their own mistakes and learn their own lessons in their own time. We are not here to control or to change others. We are here to learn how to control our own thoughts, which are our greatest enemy. That is why the original Aramaic translates “Satan” as “crazy thoughts.” Negative, limiting thoughts are the mighty demons, controlled primarily by the parasitic ego, need to be cast out by fasting, internal cleansing and prayer (See Chapter 4).

Free-will means giving others the freedom to choose and to learn their own lessons. Yes, often, those we love do hurt themselves. Unfortunately, pain and suffering is frequently the only way the hard headed or slow learners can get their lessons. Certainly, pain is a powerful motivator; moreover, most will not change without painful or pleasurable impetus. That is the purpose of the Dark Night of the Soul: the alchemy of self transformation. Breakdown is the direct path to a beautiful breakthrough waiting on the other side of midnight.

One can draw comfort from the fact that good and evil both emanate from the same source: divine love. Those who currently choose evil will eventually return to their source, the light. The difficult part is accepting that slow learners not only hurt themselves, but those who love them, over and over, until they figure out that anything they do to harm others also harms them since we are all connected to the same divine source (Carey 29-31). Fear compels slow learners to choose poor substitutes for love: power, materialism, manipulation, and control (all of which calibrate below 200 on Dr. Hawkins’ scale). Life is all about learning to love the self that one might become fully open to and capable of truly loving another unconditionally (calibrated at 500 on Hawkins scale) versus getting trapped in desire or infatuation which only calibrates at 125.

Ultimately, until the “children of darkness” and the “people of the lie” as M. Scott Peck terms them, learn to value and respect truth, honesty and integrity, they will continue to create craziness, divisiveness and chaos everywhere they go because they do not know how to give or receive love. Nor do they know that love is what they are looking for. Their low emotional IQs, low frontal lobe brain activity, and the high level of heavy metals, toxins and parasites in their bodies seriously impair relationships and exacerbate separation issues that end up alienating them from those who love them. The following suggestions are helpful in dealing with the toxic people:

Be compassionate and forgiving by knowing that the high levels of toxicity in the bodies and minds of egotistical individuals preclude them from behaving any better. In fact, just take a whiff of their breath or glance at their bloated bellies (do not stare; it is impolite), then you will get a clear picture of the incredible buildup of parasites and toxins adversely affecting their minds, behavior and how they feel. At that point, it will then become a bit easier to:

Avoid arguing with egotistical people; they won’t get your point anyway because all they focus on is winning the argument at all cost and being right even when they are wrong;


Become forgiving and detached from a need to have them be different; in their state of toxicity, and ego identification, they cannot;

Set personal boundaries; Educate, inform or guide those who ask for help; Choose not to stay in destructive, violent or painful relationships; Focus your energy only on what you want in a relationship and not waste energy expanding

what you do not want by thinking about what you don’t want: focus only on what you want; Seek authentic relationships based on mutual respect, honesty, integrity and love, not desire,

lust, co-dependency, dysfunction, or infatuation; Embrace the wisdom of Ralph Waldo Emerson in “Self Reliance” who says “Live no longer to the

expectation of these deceived and deceiving people with whom we converse. Say to them … I have lived with you after appearances. Henceforward I am the truth’s … I will not hide my tastes or aversions … I cannot sell my liberty and my power, to save their sensibility.”

Here’s the good news for those dealing with personality disorders, which I discovered during clinical research and later revealed in my book I Thought I was The Crazy One, long before “narcissism” became a household word, and in spite of the fact that the Diagnostic Statistical Manual for Psychologists claims that there is no “known cause or cure for personality disorders:” that diet, detox, and dietary supplements significantly alter the dysfunctional behavior of personality disorders. Later, my research was backed by Dr. Daniel Amen’s clinical research in his book Change Your Brain, Change Your Life wherein he lists the foods and supplements that boost brain function and reverse dysfunctional behavior. See the Alphabetical Index to Health in this book.

ATONEMENT

It is helpful to keep in mind that the duality of human nature means that no one is all good or all bad. Thus, there is profound truth in the old adage: “There is so much good in the worst of us and so much bad in the best of us that it ill behooves any of us to find fault with the rest of us.” Honoring the good in another generates a desire for the other to show more of the good versus the bad.

It is also important to bear in mind that any gesture, meager or grandiose, by the offender, toward making amends, is actually a mighty move in the direction of reconciliation. It becomes easier to operate from a place of gratitude and forgiveness once one embraces that NO ONE HAS TO DO ANYTHING FOR ANOTHER PERSON; THAT INCLUDES PARENTS. AND NO ONE OWES ANYONE ANYTHING. It is merely the Ego’s sense of entitlement that leads one to believe otherwise. Those who find it difficult to be grateful for small favors also tend to find it equally difficult to be grateful for the opportunities inherent in adversity, which can become one’s greatest teacher. Thus, rejection of an offer to make amends through atonement (correction) by the offender, more often than not, will elicit anger, retaliation, hopelessness, or despair, thereby perpetuating the problem and increasing the gap of separation.

The challenge is to cease having expectations at all (I know, that’s a tall order) and to graciously accept and show appreciation for all gifts given, which includes compliments or someone loving you enough to tell you the truth about yourself, even though the truth is anathema to the Ego. Remember, a bad day for the Ego, is a very good day for the Higher Self. In reality: “it’s all good.” Yes, everything is a blessing, even experiences one tends to label bad. The truth is trials, tribulations, obstacles and difficult people are put into one’s path to learn specific lessons that need to be mastered.

MOVING INTO GRACE


Realistically, it is a challenge for almost everyone to find forgiveness or gratitude toward anyone who has abused, betrayed or injured them in any way because, from the viewpoint of the Ego, it smacks of self betrayal. In reality, however, gratitude and forgiveness are prerequisites that open the portals to grace which is bestowed freely for the asking; there is no necessity to earn it. The power of grace lies in the fact that it can fill the heart with the satisfaction and peace of mind most are seeking through addictions such as over eating, over working, drug and alcohol abuse, sex, drama, craziness, chaos, loneliness, alienation, or estrangement, etc.

The ego is masterful at deluding the masses into thinking that addictions will magically make the hurts, pains and betrayals of the past disappear. The allure of addictions is so powerful that few stop to consider the high price it exacts for an extremely short term thrill. The Ego is quite clever. It understands humanity’s innate tendency to recoil from the pain of abstinence or withdrawal and to move toward gratification and indulgence. In lieu of the foregoing, a paradigm shift (the way you view the world) is required to unstick a mind mired in pain or weighted down with non forgiveness and ingratitude.

It is appropriate to close out this chapter on gratitude and forgiveness with the following poem I wrote for my youngest brother a couple of weeks after he died.

Angel WingsParthenia Grant, PhD

“Angel Wings” is dedicated to my youngest brother whom I became estranged from and wrote off as irredeemable after he stole a lot of money from me, which caused me to lose face with my now ex-husband and in-laws. I did not immediately pardon him, protect him and bless him like the priest in Les Miserables did the thief who stole from him after the priest had welcomed him into his home.

You reconnected my heart to the soul of the worlduntil every living being, good and bad, became me

I became them and we became each otherwoven by the golden thread of oneness

that was there from the beginninguntil we lost our way in the darkness

forgetting that Source created the night and the light.

You showed me how to embrace the other side of midnightby viewing evil backwards until I saw clearly that evil is

only a failure to “live” life fully present,with gratitude, forgiveness and joy.

All the misery in the world is createdby ungrateful, unaware and unhappy people

who lose sight of the fact that the purpose of lifeis to experience bliss.

Watching your transmutation of suffering into acceptancethrough faith in the benevolence of the divine,


I learned that some things must be experiencedto internalize the lesson,

and sometimes those we love must diethat we might live and learn how to lovefree of fear, attachments and addictions.

I watched in awe and humility as you died with dignity,warmed by the light of your love,

amazed and moved by yournon-attachment to outcomes,

awed by your fearlessness facing the unknowninspired by your ability to

“go gently into that good night,”astonished you did not do as Dylan Thomas

advised: “rage, rage against the dying of the light”for you had become the light.

Because you “could not stop for death”while ministering to the living,

death “kindly stopped” for you,yet even on your death bed

you commanded death “be not proud”by the way you lived each moment fully present

until the very last moment of your life,teaching us repentance, forgiveness and transcendence

for those who loved you notsaying your good-byes with graciousness,

gratitude and a bravery that made most of themen I have known in my life not men at all;

but emotionally retarded little boys

While we clung to the familiar, holding on to the known,you stood tall, without tottering,

on the ledge between heaven and earth,stretching eyes and arms upward,

while I sat earthbound, mesmerizedby my baby brother

who had now become the wise onestanding in front of the eldest one

who once was your surrogate mother,now sitting humble and child like

with hands stretched out in the asking,while you filled my cup with simple words of wisdom

“Sis, it’s time to live life on your terms …do the things that bring you joy

allow the slow learnersto transcend the suffering they bring on themselves

let love heal what hurts you …


As you lay dying, I sat alone in silence, prayer and meditationlooking for the big picture, searching for respite from the pain of separation,

seeking reunion with the source of all things …when suddenly and ever so softly,

I felt the flutter of angel wings brush my battered heartmending the torn parts

sending healing waters to fill the empty partswith blessedness, grace

and spiritual pride for having witnessedthe passing of a distinguished mandisguised as the thief on the cross

whom Christ promisedwould be with him in heaven.

As you stretched your angel wings,bringing loved ones back together again,

your reach extended far beyond your intentionexposing petty grudges, jealousies,resentments, and egotistical urges

for what they actually are: the insignificant illusions of disillusioned minds.

Thank you for showing me how to bethe person I’ve been trying to become Φ

NOTE: When we fail to view those who betray us; take advantage of us; or who use and discard us, through the eyes of the old adage, "but for the grace of God, there goes I," we harm ourselves on both a spiritual and physical level in that we are all part of the human heart. No one is better than or worse than; we are all works in progress and have not achieved complete transcendence ... yet. I’m still working on becoming better than I was yesterday; striving to continually forgive; to understand; to accept what is; to always say “yes” to the universe; to apply the power of love in all areas of my life; and, to maintain an open heart toward everyone, including those even a mother would find difficult to love.

READER RESPONSES TO “ANGEL WINGS”

The entire poem “Angel Wings” is beautiful and touching, but the following verse is huge and expansive:

You showed me how to embrace the other side of midnight by viewing evil backwards until I saw clearly that evil is only a failure to “live” life fully present, with gratitude, forgiveness and joy. Blessings and much success to you. Arnetta Lowe, Advertising Consultant

Your poem restored some balance into my mindset on good and evil. I was having this conversation once on who is evil and where it comes from, but like you said, it's not about condemnation, but seeing the bigger picture, recognizing the different levels of consciousness


everyone is on and removing deluded realities along with ego driven addictions. I loved it!!! I am profoundly different for having known you and taken your classes. Thank you. - Liza Jardiolin

Your words are not only amazing, but also inspiring. Thank you for being such a wonderful light to the world – Connie Alas

WOW!! I have no doubt that this poem has the ability to heal and will provide healing for all those who read it or hear it read. With such a connection to spirit, it can do nothing less. It is a great testament to the power of forgiveness and how the transition from this world to the next can be a profound time of spiritual growth. I hope you will post the poem on your site. –Vicki Romero-Chavez

I loved the poem. It brings light to my heart. As you seek to protect our souls and lives from destruction, may the Good Shepherd always keep you in his care. Once again, thank you ever so much for your kindness. I appreciate you dearly. -Patrick Chukwuemeka This poem is extremely touching. It made a great impact on me at a time when I needed it the most. Thank you ever so much for sharing it. – Aisha

I just want to thank you for opening up your heart and allowing us to experience your pain and joy with your words! The poem is beautiful! Thank you! - Ivan Carrillo

You expressed your feelings so well in the poem and made me see what you were trying to say. You have a great heart despite what you’ve gone through. It takes courage to forgive. I have a deep and abiding respect for you. – Ericka

Parthenia, this is a beautiful piece, one of your best works. l found a sense of peace while reading it. It inspired me as I am sure it will inspire others. - Jeanie Morgan Christopher


POINTS TO PONDER

Nelson Mandela pointed out that when we hate someone or refuse to forgive those who trespass against us, we are drinking poison and expecting it to kill the person who caused our pain. In reality, the poison of non forgiveness stems from ego identification which creates stress that ages us, makes us sick and contributes to premature death.

Forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves. The Heart Math Institute discovered that when we are in a state of hatred or resentment, our body produces a substance that attacks our hearts. Thus, the irony is that we are harming ourselves by refusing to take the steps necessary to move beyond pain, resentment and non-forgiveness. Success, living well, and learning the lesson from the pain is always the best revenge.

If the problem is with another person, ask “What’s going on in me that’s causing this person to bug me” then say “I’m sorry for whatever is going on. Please forgive me.” One must be “willing to see that … they don’t need healing; you do … You are the source of all the experiences … [then] petition Love to rectify errors within [by saying] I am sorry ... Please forgive me for whatever is going on inside of me that manifests as the problem. Love’s responsibility then is to transmute the errors within [oneself] that manifest as the problem” (Vitale 46, 47).

The purpose of life is to be restored back to Love, moment to moment. To fulfill this purpose, the individual must acknowledge that he/she is 100 percent responsible for creating his life the way it is …that his thoughts create his life moment to moment. The problems are not people, places, and situations but rather the thoughts of them … there is no such thing as “out there” – Dr. Ihaleakala Hew Len

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