· photo by murray pellowe w hen laura, age 4, would start to get out of con-trol, her father...

C A N A D A’ S L E A D I N G PA R E N T E D U C AT I O N S E R V I C E • D E C E M B E R 2 0 0 3

Me, Myself and I (How Children Build their Sense of Self) The Disastrous Christmas Shopping Trip • Role Reversal • Solving Children’s Squabbles

Helping Your Teen Succeed In High School • Mad, Sad, Feeling Bad

PARENTINGPARENTINGB A R B A R A B U R R O W S

M A G A Z I N EM A G A Z I N Ew w w . b a r b a r a b u r r o w s . c o m

Mum’s theword

B A R B A R A B U R R O W S P A R E N T I N G M A G A Z I N E • C A N A D A ’ S L E A D I N G P A R E N T E D U C A T I O N S E R V I C E • D E C E M B E R 2 0 0 3

D E C E M B E R 2 0 0 3

2

WHAT’S UP . . . . . . . . . . . . . .2Mum’s the word

DEAR BARBARA . . . . . . . . . . .3Ungrateful 9-year-oldhates new life

TIP FOR BABIES . . . . . . . . . .7Being close; being separate

TIPS FOR TOTS . . . . . . . . . . .7Standing by to admire

TIPS FOR KIDS . . . . . . . . . . . .9Put me down, I’ll get my book!

GOOD BOOKS –MORE THAN A REVIEW . . . . .4Me, Myself and IHow children Build TheirSence of SelfKyle D. Pruett, M.D.

THE GRANDMOTHERS . . . . . .8Introducing children to cultureby Gann Roberts

WHAT’S HAPPENING IN CLASS . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .10 & 11

The Disastrous ChristmasShopping Trip

Role Reversal

The Oedipal Struggle

Talking Saves the Day

FEATURES

Dear Santa:by Lenka Hlavenka . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .5

Helping your teen succeedin high schoolby Dorte Deans . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .7

Solving children’s squabblesby Barbara Burrows . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .9

Mad, sad, feeling badby Judith Deustch . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .12

What’sinside?

Y ears ago when my old-est dyed her hair a won-derful shade of burnt

purple (she told me it wasdark red and it’s only becauseI am colour blind –that I didn’t like it),I nearly hit theroof.Take one headof the most beauti-ful, shiny, healthy,brown hair andwithin minutes itlooked the samedull waxy finish aswhen she use tomix every colourof Crayola crayontogether.

Thankfully she(and her hair) grewout of it. This pastweekend, heryounger sisterreturned homefrom a wake-over(what use to beknown as a sleepover butwho are we kidding - theynever sleep!) and was in herroom when I arrived homelater that morning.Apparentlyher father hadn’t seen her - hewas busy painting.

I started to help paintwhen the phone rang. It washer older sister who is awayat University. “Seen her yet?”she asks.

“Why?” I respond.Her: “No reason, just ask-

ing”Me: “What do you know?”Her: “Nothing. Just won-

dered if you knew”Me:“I know but why don’t

you tell me what you know?”I lied, my curiosity peaked.

Her: “No, it’s ok. She saysshe likes it and I was justwondering if you did”

Me: “No comment”

Something is up. I’vepicked up the clues with mymother-knows-all radar. Iassume it’s her hair – either

that or a belly-button ring.Please Lord, let it be the hair.I call to the little beautyqueen to come downstairs.She arrives with her head hid-

den by her sweat-shirt hoodie. Dad’sstill painting, stillclueless.

Me:“So let’s seeyour hair”

Her: “How didyou know?”

Me: “Mothersknow everything”

Her: “No seri-ously, how did youknow?”

Me: “We moth-ers have a website– mothernet-work.com – andwe report on whatour kids are doing.One mother saidyou dyed yourhair.”

Her: “NO WAY! Whichmother told you?”

I’m not sure if she checkedonline for the website but Ido know for sure that she hasno idea how I found out. I’llnever reveal my source. Infact, my “source”doesn’t evenknow she tipped me off.Mothers just know when andhow to read between thelines, website or no website!

I may sound a little smug,but I’ll have to admit, its waymore fun being “in the know”than worrying about notknowing – which of courseI’ve also done frequently! Iforgot to mention the haircolour - a red/black combo –she loves it, guess I am stillcolour blind.

ANGELA GREENWAYManaging Editor

What’sUp?

PublisherBarbara Burrows

Barbara Burrows ParentingMagazine is published 6 timesper year in conjunction withthe Newspaper partnersacross Ontario in February,April, June,August, October,and December.

Founder and DirectorBarbara Burrows

Executive EditorBarbara Burrows

Managing EditorAngela Greenway

Creative/ProductionMichelle Sharp

Barbara Burrows Parenting1328 Janina Blvd.Burlington, ON L7P 1K3Phone (905) 335-8803Fax (905) 332-4611E-mail:[email protected]

Readers are encouraged tosubmit parenting questions, theirown stories or experiences to“Our Readers Share”and ofcourse comment on anything inLetters to the Editor.

No part of this publication maybe reproduced withoutpermission.The opinionsexpressed herein are notnecessarily those of BarbaraBurrows Parenting Magazine, andBarbara Burrows ParentingMagazine will not be held liablefor any damages or loses,however sustained, as a result ofthe reliance on or use by a readeror any person on any of the infor-mation, opinions, or productsexpressed or otherwisecontained herein.Whereappropriate, professional adviceshould be sought.

Copyright Barbara BurrowsParenting MagazineDecember 2003

For information on bringingBarbara Burrows ParentingMagazine to your community,call (905) 335-8803.

PARENTINGB A R B A R A B U R R O W S

M A G A Z I N E

(formerly Parent to Parent Magazine)Canada’s leading parent education service

w w w . b a r b a r a b u r r o w s . c o m

Dear Parent:

A nyone who loses somethingneeds to mourn. Your daugh-ter has lost her home, her sub-

stitute mother and father, her peergroup,and her school. You and yourfiancée are gaining newand wonderful things —a new home, each otherand a new life together.Your daughter’s losesmay seem even greaterto her in light of yourgains.

She is likely worriedabout her new familyrelationships, new neigh-bourhood and school.Your fiancée is relativelynew in her life. It willtake a long, long time todevelop a close feeling –for him and for her. A child who isnot certain that she belongs in thefamily will be doubtful aboutwhether she will be liked at school.

Rather than trying to convinceyour daughter how lucky she is,encourage her to air her frustrationsand worries. Keep telling her how

much you both want her with you,in spite of the inevitable problemsin adjusting.

Try not to shift your daughterbetween the two homes (for exam-

ple, using grandparentsfor weekend babysit-ters). Arrange for her tovisit whenever she asks.Responding to her needto see grandparents sup-ports her transition andis different from sendingher back to them foryour convenience.During this difficult peri-od of transition, don’tleave her with babysit-ters if possible. Stay withher, or take her with youuntil she feels safe in hernew home and her new

family.Your parents have also experi-

enced a loss. Invite them often toyour home, so they can ease fromparent figures to grandparentsagain. This also supports yourdaughter’s transition.

B A R B A R A B U R R O W S P A R E N T I N G M A G A Z I N E • C A N A D A ’ S L E A D I N G P A R E N T E D U C A T I O N S E R V I C E • D E C E M B E R 2 0 0 3 3

BARBARA BURROWSDirector,

Barbara BurrowsParenting

Photo by Murray Pellowe

W hen Laura, age 4, would start to get out of con-trol, her father would gather her in his arms(with Laura pushing,and fighting) and her father

would say, “What do you need to do to get your goodfeelings back.”

When her father first used this technique, Laurawould fuss and squirm and push and pull, yelling “putme down!”but her Dad just kept patiently asking her thesame question. As herDad would use thisapproach often, Lauragot much better atnoticing when she wasgetting upset andknowing what shecould do to calm her-self. Eventually shewould say,“OK, OK, I’llget my book” as herfather came towardsher to pick her up, even before her father reached her.

By setting limits in this way, Laura’s father helped herthink more deeply about her feelings, which in turn,helped Laura find ways to get her upset feelings undercontrol. Her father effectively stopped Laura’s poorbehaviour without punishing or rejecting her in anyway.

Tip for Kids –Put me down, I’ll get my book!

D E A R B A R B A R A

Ungrateful 9-year-old hates new lifeDear Barbara:

Six years ago, I suddenly found myself on my own witha 2 year old. I had no marketable skills, an incompleteeducation and no one to support my daughter and myself.My parents were wonderful, and helped with the care ofmy daughter so I could start to make a life for both of us.

My daughter gradually became more and more a partof my parents’ lives and their neighbourhood as she wouldstay overnight when I was out late etc. She started schoolwith the kids in my parents’ area. She was happier withGrandma and Grandpa than she was coming back to myapartment that offered nothing for small children, so Iwent back “home” to my parents to visit her there.

Now I have completed my education, have a good joband am going to be married. My fiancée is eager to be afather to my daughter, who is now 9 years old.

We have purchased a home in a good neighbourhood,and thought we had everything worked out. We have oneterrible problem. Since we have brought my daughterhome to live with us, she is dreadfully unhappy. She criesfrequently, and wants to go back to grandma and grand-pas. She says she hates school here.

My soon-to-be husband is hurt and baffled. He thinksher grandparents must have spoiled her. I am angry thatshe doesn’t appreciate how hard I have worked to be ableto bring her to such a nice house and neighbourhood. Weare both getting tired of her moodiness and sullen behav-iour. She is unpleasant to have around.

How can we make her understand how lucky she is?

As her Dad would use thisapproach often, Laura gotmuch better at noticing

when she was getting upsetand knowing what she could

do to calm herself.


Me, Myself and I(How Children Build their Sense of Self)

Kyle D. Pruett M.D.Goddard Parenting Guides

ISBN 0-9666397-4-XCost: US $19.95

M e, Myself and I is a definitive guide totoddlerhood – the extraordinary peri-od when parents have the greatest

influence in setting their child on a healthyand happy course for life. Internationallyknown author Kyle P. Pruett M.D. draws onthe latest research and his decades of experi-ence as a developmentalist and child andfamily psychiatrist. The result is clear, practi-cal help for parents to enhance their child’sgrowth on all fronts, from language, andsocial skills to cognitive and emotional devel-opment.

There are many books available for par-ents of toddlers, but few written by a manwith as much knowledge as Dr. Pruett onhealthy psychological, cognitive, social andemotional development in youngsters.

He deals with differing temperaments,talking about children’s innate capacities andthe intricate interaction between the per-sonalities of the parents and the way thechild is. In the sometimes humorous andalways warm style that permeates the book,Pruett asks “Can a librarian raise a sky diverand vice versa?” He says a child’s behaviouris his temperament filtered through the wayhe is nurtured. Understanding the complextemperament differences between parentsand child can help with the attachmentprocess, and Pruett explains how.

The book goes on to explore the roots ofautonomy, self-reliance, self-regard and the“oh-so-trying” but “not-so-terrible twos” – thepassion, thrill, and chills of exploration andthe beginnings of body mastery. In this chap-ter, and others too, there are many examplesthat show how learning words and conceptscan help children greatly with masteringtheir difficulties.

Pruett describes Tamara, the under 2 year-old daughter of 23 year old parents, whosplit their work day into two separate shiftsto make ends meet.Tamara is struggling with

comings and goings, and the feelings associ-ated with one or the other of her parentsleaving and coming back frequently. Herusual calm and predictable temperament canchange to “meltdown” if not well preparedfor her parents’ schedules each day.

When aunts or uncles and cousins are get-ting ready to leave after a visit, she will antic-ipate their departure with a soft,but insistent“bye bye?” with an inquiring tone at the endof the phrase. It is as though she is asking,“Do you have to go?”

Dr. Pruett explains that Tamara’s uncannyaccuracy in figuring out what people aredoing and watching carefully to figure outthese comings and goings may help her feelthat she can have some control over theworry it causes her. Once she understandswhen these events will occur, she may feelshe is the boss over her “coming and going”feelings and then these events will not hurtor confuse her so much. Her words, “byebye” have great power to comfort her. (P 59)

Use of words by parents can help greatlyas well. “Talking and Feeling” is a subtitle inthe chapter on communication. Pruettexplains how a parent’s ability to put thechild’s hurt, fear, frustration or hurt intowords is “magic in its ability to solve prob-lems”.

He gives the example of Matthew, who at19 months was fascinated by the kitten sit-ting in his cousin’s lap. His eyes were wideopen and he was so still you couldn’t see himbreathing. He wouldn’t reach out or touch orsay anything, despite his mother’s attempt tohelp him engage. After 20 minutes it wastime to go,his cousin got out of the chair, andMatthew dissolved in tears. What the heckwas the matter?

Finally his dad guessed it – Matthew didwant to touch the cat after all. When Dadasked,Matthew said “dutch”(touch?). He did,and smiled warmly. A helpful word hadturned chaotic uncertainty for the adults intoorderly behaviour for Matthew. (P102)

Not only is this book filled with sound,helpful information (not advice!) it is attrac-tively laid out. The type is not crowded,widemargins, and coloured headings make read-ing very easy. Pruett’s exceptionally clearway of illustrating the developmental con-cepts he discusses makes this book an easyread, and remarkably useful.

Me, Myself and IHow Children Build Their Sence of Self

GOOD BOOKS - MORE THAN A REVIEW

Pruett’s exceptionallyclear way of illustrating

the developmental concepts hediscusses makes this book

an easy read,and remarkably useful.


By Lenka Hlavenka

Dear Santa:

S oon you’ll be back in town once againand, just like every year, you willencounter countless young children

eager to tell you about their wishes. I hopeto catch you before that happens, because,although I’m not a child any more but amother of one, I’d like to make a wish as well.But, first I want to tell you a story (a truestory, in fact) because without that my wishmight seem outlandish and ludicrous to you.And so, here it is:

Once upon a time, in a small (but grow-ing) town there was a Kindergarten class thatwas getting ready to pay a visit to Santa Clausin his temporary residence – the town’snewly renovated Train Station.

All the children were very much excitedand couldn’t wait to meet their favoriteChristmas character. One little boy found itparticularly hard to hold back and so, as soonas Santa appeared at the door, he jumped onhis feet and started running. It seemed as ifhe landed on Santa’s lap before the jolly oldfellow even had a chance to sit down him-self.

All of the adults present found this quiteamusing and Santa struck a pleasant conver-sation with the boy while the other childrenwatched and waited their turn. After a whileSanta remembered that he was there onsome very important business and sent theboy back to his seat.

Child after child took their place onSanta’s knee and none was given as muchattention as the one who couldn’t wait. Ofcourse, we all know that life isn’t always fair- but try telling this to your kids at Christmastime!

And there is more to this story:After eachchild received a small present and SantaClaus was getting ready to leave, another lit-tle boy (my son) approached him. I couldn’thear what he was asking Santa – later he toldme that he wanted to know if that was allthey were getting? You see, because the boywho couldn’t wait got two turns on Santa’sknee my son (quite logically) assumed thathe also got two presents and that just wasn’tfair! What happened next was, to say theleast, unexpected: Santa Claus turned hisback to the child and completely ignoredhim.

Now, in all fairness, this could have hap-pened unintentionally – maybe Santa didn’thear the boy (I would certainly hope that thiswas the case). But my son didn’t think so. Hecried bitterly all the way back to school. Andthe fact that the “boy who couldn’t wait”wasmy son’s tormentor didn’t help much either.

After this, with “Christmas Spirit” in seri-ous jeopardy, I remembered that old saying

“The Truth shall set you free”. That day afterschool I sat down with my son. I said,“Do youremember last Christmas, when you werereally worried that Santa won’t be able tocome because we don’t have a chimney any-more?” (We have moved that year into ahouse without a fireplace.) “And do youremember,” I continued,“what I told you lastyear?” Yes, you guessed it: I told him TheTruth. Santa is make believe; he is onlypretend. And, although hedid not believe me whenhe was 4,he did believe mewhen he was 5.

What a relief! This was agood time to remind himthat nobody is perfect – noteven the guy who dresses as aSanta Claus. And, of course,we were also talking aboutother things that makeChristmas special – about howmuch fun it is to “believe” inSanta – to pretend that is. Yes,this story does have a happy end-ing: The truth did not ruin myson’s Christmas – it saved it forhim!

And so,herein comes my wish: Iwish that all the parents out therewho are steadfastly holding on tothe myth that Santa is real for fear ofspoiling their children’s Christmascould pause and think for a moment- about this seemingly harmless talltale. If the kids really believe thatsome big-bellied guy with a huge sackcan squeeze through the chimney, thendoesn’t it make sense for them tobelieve that there is a monster under-neath the bed? And how about the chil-dren whose parents cannot afford atruckload of toys for Christmas? How doyou explain to them why their cousinsand friends received all those presents –were they more “good”? Or did Santamake a mistake?

I believe that children deserve to havetheir questions answered – not sidestepped.After all, we want them to be truthful withus, don’t we? Do we think about how diffi-cult the truth must be for the ones who havebeen kept in the state of blissful ignorancethe longest? (Or, could it be possible that thekids already know and pretend to believe,because they don’t want to spoil the fun forthe adults?)

There is no doubt in my mind, however,that Santa would continue to be a big part ofChristmas, even if children knew that heexists only in a fantasy. I really don’t believethat the world would become a dark anddreary place devoid of love, poetry, and beau-ty the moment we stop pretending he is real.After all, Santa represents a wish and a dreamof every human being on this planet regard-

less of their beliefs; a wish for a kinder, gen-tler world, full of selfless generosity.

And, as for all those “Santa’s Helpers” outthere: I wish that every single one of themcould realize how much responsibility comeswith their position of authority.

In fact,may I suggest a “Wanted”ad for thatposition?

DearSanta:F E A T U R E

SANTAWANTED

We are a leading manufacturer

of Make Believe currently expanding

our Christmas department.

You are an exceptional individual

with warm and Approachable

personality and

A deep sense of fairness.

You are equipped with

superb hearing

Since you will be required

to hear even the tiniest voice

of the shyest child.

And you have to be fair.

You posses excellent organizational

and time management skills

Since you will be forbidden to

run out of time

(You will be required to ensure

that children who waited the longest

will get rewarded)

And you have to be fair!

Only qualified applicants

need to apply.

Preference will be given to

candidates with degree in child

psychology or an ECE diploma.

Rather than money,

the admiration and love of children

from far and wide

Will be your reward

IF you are fair.

Lenka Hlavenka

Caledonia


By Dorte Deans

Dorte Deans is a retired vice principal of aHamilton high school.

O ur children’s teenage years are in manyways the most trying and challenging yearsof all. We have survived toddlerhood with

only a few scratches, we have coped with theunending sports tournaments,and dance recitals.We have taught our kids to ride a bike, say“please” and “thank you”, and tie their shoes.Now we are ready to hand over some responsi-bility to our children, and relax a bit. Suddenlywe are confronted by Attitude, Moods, and Anger.It’s the Terrible Twos all over again, but this timethey are too big to pick up and send to theirroom.

What happened? Well, puberty for one thing.Biologically, teens are programmed to beginpulling away from their parents at this age, sothey can get ready to stand on their own two feetand become adults. To the adults, this seemsscary because our teens are standing on the edgeof the nest like a baby bird ready to spread itswings and fly. But fly where we wonder? Whowill help them?

Our teens are confused too, of course,although few would admit it to us. Hormonalchanges, new responsibilities, peer pressure,harder classes at school, changing expectations,the need to be Cool and Beautiful at all times –how do they deal with it all?

As a vice-Principal in a High School for 10years, I have often seen parents who were verydedicated to their children, but did not knowhow to help them at school. The school wasnew, and perhaps large enough to be intimidat-ing, the friends were new and perhaps a bitintimidating too. On top of that, their teens werechanging from cute, friendly little tykes wholiked to cuddle with a story, to big people whoput holes in their bodies in impossible places,wear clothes that are too tight, too baggy, tooshort, or dragging on the ground. Their hair is amess, their music is dreadful. How do parentscope?

The ideas I am going to suggest are fromstudy, research, and mostly, close observation. Iam not a child psychologist, but have seen stu-dents turn their lives around after one or moreadults have taken an interest, and taken the timeto guide and help them. Here are some generalguidelines for parents who are trying to helptheir teens navigate the crazy waters of highschool success:

• Listen to their needs and stories. When theystart to tell you something that is importantto them, truly stop to listen and remember

the details of what they say. This will helpopen lines of communication and let themknow you are on their side.

• Negotiate and compromise but keep thestrong foundation of your values and beliefs.When you say no, explain your decision butrefuse to get sucked into an argument. If it isimportant to you, stick to your guns, but bekind and understanding. If there is anychance of a compromise, take it. For exam-ple, if your daughter wants to date but youthink she is too young, find out if other girlsthat age are dating, and if you still feel strong-ly, suggest that he can meet her1 at the parkwhere your family is watching your son playsoccer. They can spend time together, andthen she can come home with you. Suggestthey go to a movie at the same theatre youare going to with a friend. They can see a dif-ferent movie, and then come home with you.

• Communicate openly. This refers also topoint one, but is very important. If you havea history of communicating with your teen

by getting into a yelling match, learn to stopthat. Keep your temper, listen to their ideasand concerns, and speak quietly, kindly, butfirmly. If you get angry, ask for a time-out, gofor a walk and then return to carry on as afirm but kind parent. When you both yell,your teen is just doing what you have taughtthem – yell. You need to teach them thatopen, honest communication is the way toresolve issues, because it leaves each personfeel better about the result and more likely tofollow the decision.

• Validate your feeling and theirs. Say,“I knowyou feel you should be able to ride in a carwith Jerry, who just got his license. But he isolder than you and I really worry about youdoing that. Let’s give him a little longer to getexperience driving, and let me think about itsome more. Maybe if I met him that wouldmake me feel better about it. Why don’t youinvite him over to watch TV with you oneafternoon?”

• Expect the best from them. Scientific studiesshow that children learn what others expectof them, and tend to live up to that expecta-tion. If you expect them to hang out withtroubled teens, you will let them know bysaying things like “Oh, yeah, Susan – I hearshe’s really trouble – trust you to pick her asyour best friend. You never hang out withthe good kids!” If you expect the best fromthem, you will let them know by sayingthings like “Oh,Susan. I hear she is a nice girl.I think she sometimes skips school, though.Maybe you can be a good influence on herand get her to stay in school. But please, bereally careful that she does not get you toskip with her. You need to say no if she asksyou.”

The key,of course is balance. It would be easyto overdo these suggestions,and be a parent whoeither validates their teen so much they have norules at all, or stands on their principles so muchthat their teens have no leeway to make theirown decisions.

As difficult as the teenage years can be, theycan also be hugely rewarding. The day your soncomes home with a test that is much better thanhis others, the day your daughter makes the soc-cer team, the evening your family goes to seeyour son in his first band recital, the night of yourdaughter’s first prom. That is when your heartwill overflow with pride and you will see it wasall worth it. Besides, they become adults eventu-ally and then start to look at life like you do. Thenyou have an ally. The best advice of all is: DON’TEVER GIVE UP.”

F E A T U R E

Helping your teen succeedin HIGH SCHOOL

The best adviceof all is:

DON’T EVER GIVE UP.”

O ne of the tasks of mothers and infants is to form strong, lovingattachments to one another and then each develops the capac-ity to feel like a separate person within that relationship over

the next many months and even years. Many sleeping and eating dif-ficulties with infants can be solved by understanding more aboutthese complex psychological tasks.

A case example in “Through the Night” by Dilys Daws shows how6-month old Luke’s settled well when both mother and son becamemore separate from the other. Luke’s mother was reluctantly return-ing to work in 2 months, and was in a panic, as Luke was feeding con-stantly, day and night. She was very worried about weaning him andsought a consultation with Daws. Because of her anxiety about thecoming separation, she was unable to discriminate when Luke need-ed her and her breast and when he needed to be apart from her.

As she talked with Daws in the consultation, she revealed that shehad many worries that her milk was not “good” for Luke, as he fedoften and was frequently sick. This worry in her was interfering inher ability to see what Luke did and did not need.

In the consulting room,Luke played by bringing toys to his mouth,blowing bubbles and making little “talking” sounds. Daws pointedout the developing pleasure Luke was getting from using his mouthin different ways and that he was using his mouth to communicatefrom a distance from her, which was different from the way he com-municated at the breast. This new form of communication could notoccur as frequently or as well when his attentions were directedtowards the breast where he was frequently clamped on.

At the next appointment, a week later, the mother reported Lukehad slept though the night for the first time. When asked if she haddone anything differently, as first she didn’t think so. Then sherecalled she had not breast fed him during the day. She had kept himout in the buggy most of the day,breast-feeding him only in the morn-ing and at night. Daws explained that sensual pleasure increasesexcitement, and that the pleasurable stimulation of the mouth innursing arouses feelings in a baby in a particular way. Daws speculat-ed that reducing the number of nursings allowed Luke to settle downfrom his previous state of excited arousal, and perhaps this allowedhim to sleep well through the night.

Another factor contributing to Luke’s more settled behaviourcould be related to his mother’s worries being articulated.This moth-er was able to speak to an empathetic person about having to returnto work and that her milk may not be nourishing for her infant.Talking this through may have given her the mental space she need-ed to think about her own distresses more clearly. When her worriesare separated in her mind from her baby and his needs, this strength-ens her position as a person separate from the baby. This separate-ness may have given the baby more space to be the baby and there-fore he is no longer an extension of his mother’s worries.The moth-er’s increasing ability to contain her own anguish could also havehelped things settle down.

This vignette shows how psychological separateness in bothmother and baby very likely helped Luke settle down much better atnight. He also showed positive movement forward in his develop-ment as he began to “talk” with his mother about things he foundinteresting in the outside world.

For a more thorough discussion of this case, see “Through theNight” by Dilys Daws P 156. Daws book may not be readilyavailable, but information on how to get it is included in thereview at www.barbaraburrows.com magazine Oct 2003.

Tip for Babies –Being close; being separate


Barbara Burrows Parenting Magazine in Oct 2003 dis-cussed “doing with” as a way to help toddlers and mothersmove from the stage where mothers do most self care tasksfor children to helping toddlers develop and interest in look-ing after some of these tasks themselves. An example of“Standing by to Admire”at the 4 year old stage is discussed in“Tip for Kids” June 2002. (See www.barbaraburrows.commagazine link)

T he “doing with” stage, once embarked on, is often a verysatisfying stage for both toddler and mother, but it canreach a plateau. Some children have great difficulty giving

up having their mothers wipe their bums, for example.Mothersare willing to continue this practice to help children “get reallyclean” and children continue to experience the passive stimu-lation which is pleasurable. There can be reluctance on the partof mother and toddler to move to the next stage – “standing byto admire”. For the mother, this means truly surrendering herdirect involvement with the child’s body, without withdrawingfrom him. It is an exceptionally difficult stage for mothers,whooften feel unneeded. When the child can “do for himself” it iseasy for mothers to turn to their own work, and turn attentionaway from the child.

Yet the child still needs his mother so much to stand by andadmire his achievement – his hard work. Without the interestof the mother, the child’s new skill cannot be internalized in alasting, satisfying way.

Ellen and her mother had come easily to the “doing with”stage. But Ellen’s mother had trouble not taking over Ellen’saccomplishments and appearance. Ellen’s mother did things“with” Ellen to improve her daughter’s achievement andappearance. She adjusted her clothes, added hair barrettes, andalso added things to Ellen’s activities, by putting a piece in thepuzzle or adding things to her pictures. Ellen was ready tomove beyond the “doing with” stage but her mother didn’tunderstand.Mother continued to do things with Ellen.Mother’spride in the final result was matched by Ellen’s dissatisfactionand often led to Ellen actually destroying her work, because ithad become her mother’s rather than her own.

Ellen’s skills had become joyless and unstable when theylacked her mother’s loving investment. Ellen no longer neededher mother to “do with” but now needed her mother to “standby and admire”. She needed her mother’s loving interest andinvestment while she did these things herself.

This example is outlined in Toddlers and their Mothers byErna Furman P.122. Next issue, watch for “Doing for oneself”.

Tip for Tots –Standing by to admire


“The Grandmothers” are Early ChildhoodConsultants, and an energetic, experi-enced group of professionals linked withThe Hanna Perkins Center in Cleveland,Ohio. Collectively, they have decades ofexperience and have helped several thou-sand children lead happier lives. “TheGrandmothers” are Maria Kaiser M. Ed.;Lyn Kirst B.S.; Georgianna Roberts M. Ed.;Nancy Sabath, M. Ed., Kathleen Smith,M.Ed., Virginia Steininger M. Ed. “TheGrandmothers” are coordinated byBarbara Streeter M.S. (Bank Street)L.P.C.C. Child Psychoanalyst, AssociateDirector, Hanna Perkins Center, ExtensionDivision

By Gann Roberts

O ne of the pleasures of being a grand-parent is sharing our love for plays,concerts, museums with the children.

When we took our granddaughters to a per-formance,eight-year-old Lily saw a delightfulpuppet show of Peter and the Wolf. Threeyear old Faith saw Peter and the…Fortunately, we had told her the storybeforehand, so she made it very clear thatshe did not want to see any wolf – no mat-ter that it was a four-inch-high puppet. Sowe sat on the aisle and as soon as we heardthat wolf music, out we went to the brightlights of the lobby. Then, back again, oncethe wolf was safely dispatched by thehunters. Nobody called Faith a baby; no oneurged her to stay and watch, saying “it’s onlya puppet, don’t be afraid.” There was simplya matter of fact acceptance of her wishes.How reassuring for a child to know that theadults will respect her feelings and accom-modate them.

We want our children to enjoy culturalevents and are often a little too eager toexpose them before they are ready andwithout giving the whole experience somethought. Like the notion that whenever

there is more than one child, there need tobe two adults: one to exit with the childwho is scare (or has to go to the bathroom)and one to stay with the enthusiastic audi-ence member.

Choose your events carefully. If it’s ashow in a huge theater, based on a TV pro-gram, it’s a pretty good guess there will beloud noises, flashing glaring lights, and con-fusing special effects, all of which can bevery upsetting to children, even those inearly elementary grades. Plan your escaperoute if you’re in one of these situations.Better yet, avoid them altogether.

We all know how important it is to pre-pare children for new experiences and cer-tainly you will tell the children what theshow is about. But think, also, of all thethings that are new and overwhelming: thehuge space, the numbers of people, thepitch dark before the show starts. And whatabout those enticing souvenirs for sale? Bevery clear, right from the beginning,whether you will buy anything – and thendon’t waiver. You can acknowledge that atee shirt or a sword that lights up is won-derful and would be fun to have, but we’re

just looking. Going to the event is treatenough—case closed.

The most wonderful theater experienceour grandchildren have had was a perform-ance, in a tiny theater by the Signstagetroupe of deaf and hearing actors,of Winniethe Pooh narrated from backstage while theactors signed the dialogue. It was fun andgentle with no overwhelming effects. Thechildren understood it all. And, to top it off,the actors stood in the lobby to shake handswith everyone after the show. Oh, the thrillof seeing Tigger up close!

Don’t forget that you have many years totake the children to cultural events. Don’trush it.You may think this is the only chancefor your five year old to see The Nutcracker– not so. It’s too long, it’s confusing; save itfor the second grade child because age eightis when children begin to really differentiatebetween fantasy and reality. Likewise anyorchestra concerts. Yes,hearing Mozart doescontribute to brain development (and doeswonders for Mom’s nerves) but not foryoung children in the concert hall. Put on atape when you’re driving to the store, playthe classical music station at home. And ifyour local orchestra has special half-hourprograms for children, as the ClevelandOrchestra does, be guided by their age rec-ommendations and let your children beexposed, gradually, to the concert-goingexperience.

Finally, take a minute to think back towhat you remember from these kinds ofexperiences in your childhood. I’ll bet thebest memories are of the shared pleasure ofthe family time together. So be sure to stopfor an ice cream treat or have a picnic in thepark after the show or visit to the museum.Your main objective in all of these activitiesis to help your children become as enthusi-astic about these cultural events as you are.Make sure to leave a pleasant memory intheir minds to that they are eager to returnagain and again.

We want our childrento enjoy cultural events

and are often a little too eagerto expose them

before they are readyand without giving the whole

experience some thought.

T H E G R A N D M O T H E R S

Introducing children to


By Barbara Burrows

T odd and Ted’s family got a new comput-er last Christmas. Todd and Tim are 12and 10. The computer has been the

source of many squabbles!

“It’s MY turn on the computer. You’vehad it over and hour! I should have myturn at 7:30 PM!” announces Todd.No response from Ted.”Come on! Are you going to let me havemy turn?”“No – I got here first and I’m doingsomething important.”“You are not – you’re only talking toyour friends. I need to talk to Jakeabout homework – I told him I’d be onICQ by 7:30. So I’m having my turnthen.”No response from Ted. “If you don’t letme, I’m telling Mom.”No response.The older brother Todd runs upstairsyelling…“Mom, Ted won’t give me a turnon the computer. “Todd returns shortly to the computerroom saying,“Mom says I get my turn at 7:30!”Ted now speaks for the first time, “Ohsure, you never even went upstairs,” “I did too, and Mom says if she has tocome down, neither of us gets the com-puter.” (feelings are escalating in bothboys now). “I’m counting down – it is 1minute til 7:30. 59, 58, 57 …”“Get the hell out of here!”“Mom, Ted swore.”“If you don’t get the hell out of here,you’re going to be sorry.”“15, 14, 13, 12, 11, 10”“I mean it – get lost”.“3, 2, 1 – my turn” Todd grabs Ted’s armand starts pulling him away from thecomputer and they start hitting each otherand yelling.

By the time their mother rushes in, thingsare escalating out of control. She stops thefight, but both boys are furious and so is she.What is the answer to this and all other shar-ing issues brothers and sisters must face dayin and day out? Whose turn is it? Who shoulddecide? What is fair?

Sometimes, parents will take charge andset up schedules, but that doesn’t take intoconsideration the specific individual needs –

in this case, an appointment Todd had to talk(via computer) with a school friend abouthomework. In the long run, we want to instilin our children a flexible willingness to con-sider the needs of others as well as theirown.One thing that can help is for parents tosupport children in working issues throughby not making the final decision about whatis fair. For example, the mother might havecome to the computer and said,“We have aproblem – you both want to use the comput-er at the same time. What should we do?” Ofcourse, each boy says he should have it.Themother points out this isn’t possible, unlessthey both want to chat to the same people.They don’t want to.

“So”, she says,“we still have a problem. IfI give it to Ted,Todd will be angry and feel Ifavoured Ted. If I give it Todd, Ted is upset.How can I know what will feel most fair toeach of you? You really need to decide andyou need to decide in a way that both of youfeel OK about it.”

Almost always, when a parent showsempathy for the problem and doesn’t chooseone child over the other, children begin tocalm down. Often, deep down, the fight hasto do with more than just wanting the com-puter. It expresses an unconscious (or some-times conscious) wish to establish oneself assuperior or best loved in the family.The onewho gets the most privileges appears to bemost loved. The boys are fighting for domi-nance and parental love, as well as the com-puter.When parents choose one child’s posi-

tion over the other, even if their choice isclearly the most logical, one child can feelslighted – and usually does.When their moth-er refuses to give one boy a privilege over theother, she diffuses the underlying struggle ofeach trying to get the extra support of havingthe parent “on his side”.

The boys will likely have trouble workingit out and each will demand he take the nextturn. If their mother can patiently turn theproblem back to them, and remind them thatone or the other is still going to be upset ifshe decides, the boys are left with the task offocusing on their problem and the workingthrough process will continue.

This mother doesn’t really know what sheis diffusing. It is difficult to know what theundercurrents are in sibling relationships.Sometimes siblings get along very well –other times there are tensions that lead tosquabbles.The tensions remain unconscious– children cannot explain them. The wholefamily can feel it when fights are close toerupting, though.

It is amazing how helpful the parent’spresence can be, and how the children’s ten-sions can ease if s/he refuses to take sidesand insists the children keep thinking untilthey find a solution that leaves them feelingOK.

To my surprise, parents have told me ofsuccessfully working through conflicts withchildren as young as 18 months. In one case,an 18-month-old and 2-year-old playmatewere fighting over a toy. The mother justkept repeating that she didn’t want to makeeither of them unhappy by giving the toy tothe other, and together, they needed to figureit out.

The mother said she was feeling veryuncertain, she wondered whether the littleones even understood. Just when shethought her approach was useless, the 2-year-old said,“Your turn” and gave the toy up.Thechildren ran off to the playroom quite happyto continue their play.

Helping children problem solve in thisway can start at a very young age, and con-tinue into adulthood. The more parents usethis method of offering support by standingby to support– but turning the decision mak-ing over to the children, the better childrenget at working things through in a way thatbuilds strong relationships. Although timeconsuming for parents in the short run, in thelong run, the squabbles diminish and chil-dren learn to work most issues through with-out fighting.

Almost always,when a parent shows empathy

for the problemand doesn’t choose

one child over the other,children begin to

calm down.

F E A T U R E

Solving children’ssquabbles


The DisastrousChristmas

Shopping TripSingle Father of Three

Brampton ON

I came to Barbara Burrows out of a des-perate need to find a better way tobecome more successful at parenting.

Being a single father with the fulltimeresponsibility of raisingthree children, a daughterof 14, two son’s ages 9 and4 1/2 years, and a verydemanding fulltime salescareer to manage, parent-ing becomes a “real” chal-lenge. However my biggestchallenge was raising myyoungest child who isbright, independent andvery strong willed.

Simple things...like atrip to the mall atChristmastime with my 4 1/2 year old,was an absolute disaster practically everytime. My original plans would be totallyderailed, with his own plans to visit allthe toy stores in the mall.

When he found that he could not havehis own way, he would have an uncon-trollable temper tantrum. Eventually wewould all end up leaving the mall totallyembarrassed and frustrated with nothingaccomplished.

At times I felt manipulated,guilty, total-ly frustrated and overwhelmed as a par-ent. I tried different approaches to disci-pline and found nothing was really work-ing.

After talking with the FamilyPaediatrician and hearing BarbaraBurrows on a local talk show, I decided tocall her. Barbara gave me a very insightfulexample of how I could take a differentapproach to the mall trip problem, by let-ting my son know beforehand the pur-pose of the trip, and that there was goingto be something in it for him as well...atreat! Something small, but something hecould look forward to.

It worked!,This made all the differencein the world, and it ended up being amore pleasurable experience for every-one.

Further Discussion byBarbara Burrows

Have you ever offered your child “atreat” and not been lucky enough toexperience such dramatic results? Inthis case, it may not have been “thetreat” as it seemed to this father, butrather the insight he gained as he con-sidered his son’s position and his son’sfrustration from this draining ongoingexperience of “going shopping withDad”.

Once this dad found a way to recog-nize what his child wasexperiencing, it becameeasier for him to addresshis child’s needs, as wellas his own. The child’sbehaviour likelyimproved because hisfather had a deeperunderstanding of hischild and was trying totake his needs into con-sideration. This is likelywhat encouraged moreresponsible behaviour on

his child’s part. Another factor for thechild’s demanding behaviour not dis-cussed was that he could be missing hismother. When his father took specialtime to think about what the boy maylike, the child may have felt more nur-tured, and thus managed better withfrustrations.

Role ReversalMother 13 year old son and

17 year old daughterBurlington ON

A s the mother of a teenage daughterI often felt like pulling my hair out,wondering what had happened to

my sweet little girl. All of a sudden, itseemed, I was challenged at every turn.The slightest thing, like curfews home-work, sleepovers without parents, par-ties, appropriate clothing, messy room,driving,you name it - it instigated a battle.More than once I wondered if my parent-ing skills were adequate. Would I everhave my sweet little girl back?

After a summer of her working awayfrom home most of the week as a campcounselor she came home to prepare forher first year of university. Although shedid have many opportunities to clean outher room, clean out her desk, sortthrough clothes and organize herself foruniversity, nothing had been done.Naturally as her mother, I wondered if shewas mature enough to leave.

Everyday we argued about her pro-crastinating, disorganization and her pri-orities. What was more important afterall, packing or partying? With only twodays to go I was in her room,uptight, frus-trated and losing patience. My voice wasrising with each sentence. She stoodthere, gently held me by the shouldersand said “Mom, I know you’re stressedabout me leaving and really worriedabout me. I’m worried too! I’m going tomiss you and the family as much as youwill miss me,maybe more. I don’t want tofight. I’m afraid to leave. I wonder if I willsucceed. I really want to try though. I stillneed your love and support to help methrough. I think I will be fine, I hope youthink so too.At that point I broke downand cried. My tears were partly of sad-ness,but mostly they were tears of joy.Mylittle girl was mature enough to recognizemy anxiety about her moving not onlyaway, but moving forward with her life.She was trying to console and comfortme. She reassured me that I would alwayshave a job as her mother.

In that moment I knew she was readyto go. I may have lost my sweet little girlbut I found a wonderful, thoughtful,maturing daughter. The struggles werewell worth the reward.

W H A T ’ S H A P P E N I N G

IN CLASS?Accounts here are written by parents who have attended BarbaraBurrows Parenting programs. The stories are submitted anonymouslyto protect the confidentiality of the children.Thank you to the parentswho have taken the time to share their experiences.

The child’s behaviourlikely improved

because his father hada deeper understanding

of his childand was trying to take hisneeds into consideration.


The OedipalStruggleBy Mother of 2 sons

Hamilton ON

A concept that sometimes comes upour class with Barbara is “Oedipalcomplex”. For the past year or so,

my older son has been in the thralls of aclassic “Oedipal complex”. I was familiarwith this concept from my universitydays, but had never heard any friends talkabout it, and frankly, until we experi-enced it in our family, I wasn’t certain itwas something that reallyhappened. There is nomistaking it now, and Iwould like to share oneway I think we were ableto help our son with this“no win” oedipal situation.

Here is how heexpressed his oedipalwishes.We would be in thekitchen, cooking and chat-ting and out of the blueJames would ask if wecould get married someday. Initially I thought he was kiddingwith me,but as time went on and he con-tinued to ask I realized there was more toit. There were other comments as wellthat confirmed he was serious. When hewould get angry with his father,he wouldrefer to him as my “ex-husband”. I real-ized that James was thinking that if hewas to marry me then his dad couldn’t bemy husband. James wasn’t just playing.He was earnest in his fantasizing aboutthe future.

This was a “no win” situation. I knewmy husband felt hurt to be rejected soopenly by our son. Clearly it wouldn’thelp to encourage my son’s fantasy that Icould be his wife. Concerned for bothmy son and husband’s hurt feelings Iapproached Joe with the idea that wesomehow gently help James to see thatthis wish can’t be fulfilled.

My husband was the creative one! Thenext time the subject came up, Joeresponded by painting a little scene forJames. He said “Can you imagine if yourfavourite teacher came to your weddingand looked around for your mom to sitwith and then saw her up at the alter?

What would she think?”James started to laugh andwe all had a giggle over it.

It seemed this humor-ous scenario, that Jamesclearly enjoyed, helpedhim see how it couldn’tbe. And because Joe wasable to present it in a light-hearted spirit, it eased the

disappointment. I’m not sure if this is theend of this phase,but I haven’t had a mar-riage proposal in weeks.

Talking Savesthe Day

By Mother of 9 year old sonand 7 year old daughter

Hamilton ON

I t never ceases to amaze me how quick-ly a tense situation can be diffusedwhen we try to acknowledge how the

other person might be feeling under thecircumstances. I have found this empa-thetic approach particularly helpfulwhen ambivalence is causing the child tofeel over-whelmed with confusion.

An example of what I mean occurredduring a recent camping trip. We aroseearly on a lovely fall morning at our lake-side campsite, quickly made breakfastand headed out onto a hiking trail. At thehalf way point on the loop, (i.e. the fur-thest point from our campsite) we real-ized that we had taken longer thanexpected and had no snack! The won-ders of nature lost their attraction for ourdaughter as she became tired and hungry.One of her “hungry fall aparts” seemedabout to happen. I wasn’t sure how toget her back to the campsite, without herupsetting, angry bad mood ruining herown and everyone else’s pleasant time. Idecided to address the ambivalence Ithought that she was feeling. She knewthat she was too big to be carried back, at7 years. As a smaller girl, she would havemanaged well if her dad were to carry

her. Being hungry andtired, she didn’t want towalk back either. “Youwant to be back at thecampsite where our foodis, but you don’t knowhow you’ll find that littlepocket of energy you needto get back there.”Imagine my relief whenthe full fury of “fall apart”failed to materialize, oncewe talked about how diffi-cult it is when you aretired and hungry. After a

half hour more of quick marching, acheerful girl arrived back to the campsiteand very happily welcomed the prospectof lunch!

It seemed thishumorous scenario,

that James clearly enjoyed,helped him see

how it couldn’t be.

Imagine my reliefwhen the full fury of

“fall apart”failed to materialize

W H A T ’ S H A P P E N I N G

IN CLASS?


By Judith Deustch

Judith Deutsch received her M.S.W. fromthe University of California at Berkeleyand received child and adult clinicaltraining at Mount Zion HospitalPsychiatric Clinic California. She iscurrently a psychotherapist in privatepractice in Toronto. She can be reachedat (416) 929-8180

F ine children’s literature can show usspecial things about children – andabout ourselves too. In A Birthday for

Frances, author Russell Hoban and illustra-tor Lillian Hoban, are able to convey thecomplexity of the inner life of a child, in away that rings true.They draw us into theworld of childhood, allowing us to remem-ber and even to delight in feelings that canso often bring forth shame.

The story is about Frances, a badger. It isher younger sister Gloria’s birthday andFrances struggles with her own enviousfeelings.At first she refuses to participate inthe party preparations, draws nasty placecards, and talks resentfully about the timewhen Gloria took away some of her specialtoys. However, she comes to feel that shewould like to give her sister a gift anddecides to buy Gloria gum balls and achocolate “chompo” bar. She is very tempt-ed to eat the candy herself, and in fact doeseat some of it, but at the end of the storyshe is able to finally give most of the pres-ent to her sister.

Conflicting wishesFrances gives us a glimpse of how chil-

dren, just as adults, can feel torn inside bytheir emotional dilemmas. One part of herwants to give to herself, so that when shebuys candy for Gloria, Frances herself eatssome of it. But there is another part ofFrances – who truly feels disappointed inherself when at first she notices that shedoes not have a gift for Gloria. She has herown wishes to give and her own lovingfeelings for her sister too. Even young chil-dren have two-way feelings and feel dis-tress about opposing kinds ofwishes…they can feel partly rivalrous andpartly loving.

What makes a child’s rivalrous feelingsso strong at times? These feelings are com-plex, and are partly related to a child’s per-ception of time and their understanding ofthe difference between fantasy and reality.

Children’s Sense of TimeWe as adults have both a logical and

illogical sense of time.On the one hand,wehave a logical sense of minutes, hours,years, but emotional experiences can make“time stand still” or seem “endless” and soon. It takes experience to have a logicalsense of time – for example, the youngerthe child, the more “not now” seems tomean “forever.” As children become olderand more self-observant, we can often hearthem talk about how special good days likebirthdays seem to pass by so quickly,or thatminutes in boring classes are so long. Foryoung children especially, good and badfeelings easily take away their sense of realtime.

For Frances,who is trying to manage herdifficult feelings, it is as if birthdays are “all-or-nothing”– if it is her sister’s birthday, herperception is it will never again be hers.Atthe beginning of the story,“Frances was inthe broom closet, singing:

“Happy Thursday to you,

Happy Thursday to you,

Happy Thursday, dear Alice,

Happy Thursday to you.”

‘Who is Alice?’ asked Mother.

‘Alice is somebody that nobody can see,’said Frances.‘And that is why she does nothave a birthday…’”

Frances’ mother is able to help Francesunderstand her mistaken sense of time bysaying that “even if nobody can see her,Alice has one birthday every year,and so doyou.”

Since Frances is not a real child, we cannot really explore with her why she feltthat “not now” means “never.”There are somany possible reasons for a child to feelthat good things will just never happen.Helping children with a more realisticsense of time, and wondering with themwhy they feel so “now or never”when theyhave these kinds of beliefs and worries, canbe reassuring and helpful and even openthe door to more communication – as itdoes in the Frances story.

F E A T U R E

Mad, Sad,


Fantasy versus realityIt is Francis’parents who gently help her

keep track of reality — who help her sortout the difference between her imaginedfears and a more realistic sense of the waythings really are. When her mother hearsFrances talking about how her invisiblefriend does not have a birthday, her motherreassures her that everyone has one birth-day a year – perhaps not as many as Franceswould wish for – but at least one. In effect,her mother clarifies that this is an imaginedfear – not a reality.As she feels less afraid ofbeing left out forever, Frances no longerneeds to see herself as being so big andpowerful and comes in touch with some ofher kinder feelings.

Parental supportIn the next part of the story, we see

Frances struggling with her opposite wish-es of wanting to be kind to Gloria, and herwish to keep the present for herself, andwe see her father gently supporting a morerealistic picture and helping her bear thefrustration of not eating the deliciousChompo Bar. Frances’ wish to keep thecandy for herself is a conflicted wish – nfact, she puts two of the bubble gum ballgifts in her own mouth “without noticingit” – she does not want to be fully con-scious of taking the candy because a strongpart of her wants to really give the gift toGloria and not keep it for herself.

As she walks home from the candy storewith her father, she wishfully says that shethinks eating so much candy would makeGloria feel sick, and her father remindsFrances of the reality— “I do not think itwould be good for Gloria to eat ChompoBars everyday. But tomorrow is her birth-day, and I think it will be all right for her toeat one.” Frances then wishfully says thatshe thinks little Gloria could really only eathalf a Chompo Bar, and again her fatherreminds her of the reality, and supports herkind wish by saying “Gloria loves sweetsand I am sure that she can eat the wholeChompo Bar.That is why it is such a goodpresent for her, and you were very nice tothink of it.”

At the end of the story, Frances’ mothertalks about birthday wishes that can actual-ly come true, like the sisters’ wishes to bekinder to each other. She talks of the “spe-cial kind of good wish that can make itselfcome true.” Learning to give up imaginarywishes for a more realistic view of what isactually possible and desirable is one of thebig tasks of growing up.

The value of kindnessFrom early on, children can have a wish

to be good and kind, both to themselvesand to others. In the story of Frances, wecan come to appreciate some of the touch-ing inner struggles that come with learningto be kind. Frances lets us know how veryhard it is for her to give up her wish to eatthe Chompo Bar: while the other childrensang “Happy Birthday to you,”Frances,“verysofty, so that nobody could hear her, sang:

“Happy Chompo to me

Is how it ought to be-

Happy Chompo to Frances,

Happy Chompo to me.”

When Gloria shows Frances specialkindness by apologizing for an earlier dis-agreement and wishing that Frances wouldno longer be mad at her, Frances is emo-tionally ready to give the candy to Gloria.She sings the real “happy birthday” song,and after each line she rests and lovinglysqueezes the Chompo bar…then finally shesqueezed the Chompo Bar one last timeand gave it to Gloria. “You can eat it all,because you are the birthday girl,” saidFrances.

With much support from her parents,and with the help of her lively and richimagination, Frances was able to feel goodabout herself for being kind in giving thepresent to Gloria.

Feeling Bad


Advisors to BarbaraBurrows are professionalswith extensive experience inboth clinical work andresearch in childdevelopment.They arecommitted to helpingfamilies resolve theunderlying difficulties thatlead to psychologicalsymptoms in children,without the use ofmedication whereverpossible.

The members of theadvisory board contributearticles to the magazine ona regular basis, and overseethe professional integrity ofarticles published in themagazine.

This advisory boardinsures that material printedin Barbara Burrows’publication reflects the bodyof knowledge developed bychild psychoanalysts,together withdevelopmentalists(attachment theory,developmental neurobiologyand infant research).

Thomas F. Barrett Ph.D.Clinical Psychologist,Child/AdolescentPsychoanalyst, Director andFaculty Member, ClevelandCenter for Research in ChildDevelopment and HannaPerkins School.

Sylvia Brody Ph.D. Post graduate work at TheMenninger Foundation,Authorof five books, numerouspapers and seven films onmaternalbehaviour on infant and childdevelopment, Extensive clini-cal research in infant andchilddevelopment.

Judith Deutsch M.S.WClinical Social Worker,Graduate of University ofCalifornia at Berkeley, Post-Graduate Studies at MountZion Hospital PsychiatricClinic, California.

James W. DeutschM.D. Ph.D. F.R.C.P. (C)Graduate of Yale University(M.D.) and California Instituteof Technology (Ph.D.),Director of YouthdalePsychiatric Crisis Service,Youthdale Treatment Centre,Toronto.

Margaret-AnnFitzpatrick-Hanly Ph.D.Psychoanalyst,AdjunctProfessor of Psychiatry, U. ofToronto. Faculty - TorontoInstitute of Psychoanalysis,Editor of a book onmasochism, author of severalpapers on psychoanalysis &literature.

Norman Rosenblood Ph.D.Training and SupervisingPsychoanalyst,Professor Emeritus ofHumanitiesMcMaster UniversityMember of Faculty - TorontoInstitute of Psychoanalysis.

Barbara Burrows Parenting International Advisory BoardBarbara Burrows Parenting Magazineexpresses deepest gratitude for the supportof Dr. and Mrs. Furman and Dr. OttoWeininger during their illustrious careers.

Otto Weininger Ph. D, C. Psych.1929 - 2003Clinical Psychologist - Psychoanalyst,Member of Faculty - Toronto Institute ofContemporary Psychoanalysis,Professor Emeritus O.I.S.E.,U of T - Toronto,Author of 12 books andnumerous papers.

Erna Furman1926 - 2002Faculty Member Department of Psychiatry,Case Western Reserve School of Medicine,Cleveland Psychoanalytic Society;Author ofseven books and over 180 articles on childdevelopment, many of which have beentranslated into German, Dutch, Finnish,Spanish, Italian, & Polish and have been thetopics of some 450 presentations to scientif-ic and lay audiences.

Robert A. Furman M.D.1924 - 2002Pediatrician, Psychoanalyst,Training &Supervising Child,Adolescent & AdultPsychoanalyst,Author of numerous paperson childhood development, published inboth North America and Europe.

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