philip patston _ alan clarke book project

8/13/2019 Philip Patston _ Alan Clarke Book Project

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Alan Clarke Book Project

PHILIP PATSTON

Doing comedy for the first time is like being born. The nine-month lead up begins with the idea to do

something creative with my life a conception of sorts. The gestation takes the form of unintentionally

finding a comedy course short and cheap like me; doing the course, learning comic devices and

techniques; and rehearsing for the first show. The impending reality of a new life as a comic performer

grows and grows like a developing foetus, becoming slightly more uncomfortable with every week. The

reality of my decision hits in the !thweek" #hat have $ done% &ow will my new life be% #ill the first breath

on stage, in front of an audience, hurt%

#aiting backstage, an hour before $'m due to go on, $ begin thinking $'ve really made a big mistake. $ can't

envisage surviving the ordeal that lies in store for me. $ need to endure a whole ten minutes onstage,

remembering my lines, getting the timing right, building rapport and trust with an audience that needed proof

that $ won't die on stage. Then a terrifying thought creeps into my consciousness for the first time in nine

months" &ow will $ elicit the one response $ need laughter when they have been told all their lives not to

laugh at disabled people% #hat on earth have $ been thinking% #hy have $ committed to this% $'m destined

for failure, humiliation, even ridicule. (erhaps $ could )ust lock myself in the toilet and get someone to say $

was sick and unable to perform. *urely guaranteed failure without the potential for mortification and mockery

is better than what seems now like the complete impossibility of success%

Then $ remember" $'ve dared myself to do this and $'ll only be disappointed with myself for the rest of my life

if $ don't go through with it. *o $ )ust sit there in the green room, rocking in a corner until someone interrupts

what they think is my enigmatic warm-up ritual and tells me to get onstage. $ emerge, not daring to breathe,

into the glare of the spotlight and utter my first line" +$ live in vondale.


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veryone laughs and $ breathe in we are all deeply relieved. The ne/t ten minutes might even be fun.

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(erhaps it would be more accurate to say that $ imagine being born was like doing comedy for the first time.

$ often wonder, were $ able to remember, whether $ may have thought $'d made a mistake, after enduring a

12-hour labour with my mother and twin brother. $ know there were times, during the long and arduous

birthing process, that $ may as well have been rocking in the corner of the womb. 3y the time $ emerged into

the spotlight of the delivery suite, $ was indeed sick and unable to perform. $ was christened a few hours

after birth in case $ died. $ spent my first four weeks of life in a (erspe/ bo/ and, though nobody laughed at

me, certainly $ was as e/posed to the world as $ might have been had $ stepped out in front of a crowd of

e/pectant punters. There were a few people holding their breath and hoping $ wouldn't hold mine too long

until $ was discharged from hospital.

$ like to think that my birth as (hilip #esley (atston was my essence making its own divine dare with itself. $t

wasn't 4od, fate or bad luck. $'ve always had a subconscious knowledge and, in the last decade or so, a

conscious realisation that somehow $ chose to do this life. $f $ hadn't $ would've been disappointed for

eternity.

#hat $'m still getting clear about is why.

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$t wasn't until $ was si/ months old that $ was diagnosed with cerebral palsy. 5ntil that time my parents were

chastised for daring to compare my development with that of my twin, 6eremy. $t was the late !7s and Dr

*pock's ideas, that normal development encompassed a range of factors that could not be compared

between two babies, were high in the psyche by the medical fraternity. $t wasn't until $ was four that it

dawned on me that $ had a unique way of being in the world. $ had based my notion of physical identity on


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6eremy's appearance we were, after all, a pair and, since on the inside $ felt $ was )ust like him, $ assumed

$ was )ust like him on the outside. $t was strange enough that $ started my education si/ months before him

and, $ was told, at a different school than he would attend but, when $ arrived at 8arlson *chool for 8erebral

(alsy for the first time and was confronted with !7 odd disabled kids, $ knew a mistake had been made.

+#T9% $ would have thought, e/cept that colloquialism hadn't been made up at the time. *o, something

like, +&ow on earth did $ end up here% #ould someone please get me to a school where $ belong% went

through my troubled four-and-a-half-year-old mind.

This was my first e/ternal identity reality check. :ver the ne/t few months $ slowly became aware that what

was on my inside wasn't necessarily what people saw on my outside. $n the years to follow $ struggled with

finding ways to make sure that strangers realised that what they saw of me was not necessarily what they

thought they were getting. umber one on my list was to stop people thinking $ was stupid. s $ got older $

noticed that people who didn't know me kept on insisting on treating me like an infant. +&ave you been a

good boy today% seemed to be a favourite enquiry amongst women in their si/ties and $ learnt quickly that

how $ answered made a difference. $ began varying the answer when $ was about twelve. +o, $'ve been

doing my best to be a little creep, and +That depends on what you mean by good. #ry observations or

laconic retorts seemed to snap folk out of their illusion that my mental age was half that of my chronological

age, quickly letting them know that there was something going on in that poor, palsied brain of mine. :f

course there were people who insisted that they would cling to their diminished idea of who $ was, but $ soon

figured out that that was more about the volume of activity going on between their ears, not mine.

3y the time $ was


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only disabled role model $ remember was T> character 8hief Detective ?obert $ronside, made even more

fictional by the fact that he was played by the non-disabled ?aymond 3urr. $ was also struggling with the

burgeoning awareness that $ was gay and trying to reconcile my physical reality with this strange but

enticing body-beautiful culture, in which my likeness was not only absent but rather ungraciously spurned.

$ see it as testament to my competence that $ managed my risky behaviour so that it never got me into

serious trouble. $ was never labelled +at-risk, probably because $ was still seen as a +good boy in the eyes

of well-meaning welfare workers. dded to this was the fact that $ was by now e/tremely good at dispelling

concerns about my competence by pro)ecting to the world, through humour and intelligence, a capable

image of myself. $ was taught to be calm and +unshockable when $ trained as a @outhline counsellor and

this open display of responsibility gave the impression that $ was in control of my life. 5nderneath it all,

though, $ was completely unconvinced that $ would live past thirty and, day-to-day, $ was in a constant state

of an/iety that my unreliable home-helps, dodgy flatmates and flaky boyfriends would fail to provide me with

the support $ needed. $ had few friends with whom $ felt comfortable enough to share my insecurities and $

had completely divorced myself from my family.

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Throughout my early A7s $ struggled to pro)ect a veneer of confidence, but not far below the surface $ felt

scared and alone. $ don't know when $ became aware of the adage +fake it until you make it, but certainly $

have always been adept at it. 9inancially things were tight on the invalids benefit and $ was an impulsive

spender, but $'d picked up from somewhere the belief that money would be there when $ need it. This

uncannily reinforced itself repeatedly. umerous times $ remember thinking, +?ight, this is it, $'ll never be

able to make ends meet, but then $'d secretly test the belief. $t always heeded my dare. $'d get a call asking

me to speak or run a workshop, or someone would turn up wanting to rent the spare room. $ developed a

little pact with the universe it made me feel slightly less alone that $'d trust it when it came to money, as $

certainly wasn't to be. This pact began what became a kind of customised, pragmatic spirituality a set of

beliefs that were useful, sensible and kept me grounded while still connected to some sense of greater


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being. ot a godly 3eing. ?ather $ would e/plain it as the creative synergy of being we humans e/press and

e/perience, with all other life forms on this planet, as the chaos and wonder of life.

$ haven't always been that philosophical. 3ack then, in the B7s, $ hadn't made the connection that, if one

way of thinking worked in one area of life, it could work in others. :ne evening something clicked. $ was in a

particularly glum space, alone on a *aturday night, drunk and stoned, concentrating on what $ didn't have

a partner, a )ob, a nice house, a good car. $ felt stink. $ remember this stray thought crossed my mind in the

midst of my pity-party" $ did have a house and a car and some people didn't. &aving no )ob was not all

bad $ often en)oyed my commitment-free lifestyle and speaking of commitment, being single had its

upside too.

$ noticed that $ felt better, but nothing had changed, e/cept my thoughts. $ was in e/actly the same situation,

but my whole life had changed. $n seconds $ had gained a commitment-free lifestyle and the understanding

that $ was lucky to have necessary resources that others didn't. This simple realisation was to chart the ne/t


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Ten years passed and $ didn't know if $ had made the right decision or not to have said $ had would have

implied that, had $ chosen to stay safely employed or go back on welfare, $ would have been wrong. Those

choices would have created a very different e/perience for me. $f $ had made some )udgement on my

decisions of a decade ago, $'d have described them as a genuine e/pression of my nature and, as such $'d

have fet confident $ had e/perienced an authentic result. $ am a risk-taker by nature. *imilar to the skydives $

did back in


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out, and building a deck with a second ramp for an emergency escape, should it be necessary. &ad $ denied

my need for these ad)ustments to my living and working environment, $ would never have built a case for the

alterations.

Today, $ have a living and working environment in which, apart from a few hours of support per week, $ am

totally autonomous and am effectively non-disabled.

6ust like the change in thought that changed my life so significantly in my A7s, my choice to reframe my

e/perience from one of +disability to one of +uniqueness has also changed my life. $ also believe that it

could change the world. refocus away from our fear of disability


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Postscript

$ wrote this chapter in A7


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published a kids' book about a boy who uses a wheelchair, whose friend thinks he's a superhero. #e've also

partnered with a Deaf innovation hub to create an online archive of *ign Language.

s a result of the 4oethean workshop $'ve become interested in the phenomena of growth and decay, light

and shadow, and uncertainty. Jy work around diversity is now about encouraging decay of identity,

organisational culture, agreement and the need for answers, in contrast with the growing categorisation and

representation of difference that we are currently seeing. $ was privileged to have the opportunity to speak

about this at TD/uckland in :ctober A7

philip patston _ alan clarke book project

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