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Peacemakingand
ConflictResolution2.0
P.O.Box739•Forest,VA24551•1-800-526-8673•www.AACC.net
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PeacemakingandConflictResolution2.0
LightUniversity2
Welcome to Light University and the “Peacemaking and Conflict Resolution 2.0” program ofstudy.Our prayer is that you will be blessed by your studies and increase your effectiveness inreaching out to others. We believe you will find this program to be academically sound,clinicallyexcellentandbiblically-based.Our faculty represents some of the best in their field – including professors, counselors andministers who provide students with current, practical instruction relevant to the needs oftoday’sgenerations.We have alsoworked hard to provide youwith a program that is convenient and flexible –givingyoutheadvantageof“classroominstruction”onlineandallowingyoutocompleteyourtrainingonyourowntimeandscheduleinthecomfortofyourhomeoroffice.Thetestmaterialcanbefoundatwww.lightuniversity.comandmaybetakenopenbook.Onceyouhavesuccessfullycompletedthetest,whichcoverstheunitswithinthiscourse,youwillbeawardedacertificateofcompletionsignifyingyouhavecompletedthisprogramofstudy.Thank you for your interest in this program of study. Our prayer is that you will grow inknowledge,discernment,andpeople-skillsthroughoutthiscourseofstudy.Sincerely,
RonHawkinsDean,LightUniversity
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TheAmericanAssociationofChristianCounselors
• Represents the largestorganizedmembership (nearly50,000)ofChristian counselorsandcaregiversintheworld,havingjustcelebratedits25thanniversaryin2011.
• Known for its top-tier publications (Christian Counseling Today, the Christian CounselingConnectionandChristianCoachingToday),professionalcredentialingopportunitiesofferedthroughtheInternationalBoardofChristianCare(IBCC),excellenceinChristiancounselingeducation, an arrayof broad-based conferences and live training events, radioprograms,regulatoryandadvocacyeffortsonbehalfofChristianprofessionals,apeer-reviewedEthicsCode, and collaborative partnerships such as Compassion International, the NationalHispanic Christian Leadership Conference and Care Net (to name a few), the AACC hasbecomethefaceofChristiancounselingtoday.
• With the needed vision and practical support necessary, the AACC helped launch the
International Christian Coaching Association (ICCA) in 2011, which now represents thelargest Christian life coaching organization in the world with over 2,000 members andgrowing.
OurMission
The AACC is committed to assisting Christian counselors, the entire “community of care,”licensedprofessionals,pastors,and laychurchmemberswith littleorno formal training. It isourintentiontoequipclinical,pastoral,andlaycaregiverswithbiblicaltruthandpsychosocialinsights that minister to hurting persons and helps them move to personal wholeness,interpersonalcompetence,mentalstability,andspiritualmaturity.
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OurVision
TheAACC’svisionhastwocriticaldimensions:First,wedesiretoservetheworldwideChristianChurch by helping foster maturity in Christ. Secondly, we aim to serve, educate, and equip1,000,000 professional clinicians, pastoral counselors, and lay helpers throughout the nextdecade.WearecommittedtohelpingtheChurchequipGod’speopletoloveandcareforoneanother.We recognize Christian counseling as a unique form of Christian discipleship, assisting thechurch in its call to bring believers to maturity in the lifelong process of sanctification—ofgrowingtomaturityinChristandexperiencingabundantlife.Werecognizesomearegiftedtodosointhecontextofaclinical,professionaland/orpastoralmanner.Wealsobelieveselected laypeoplearecalledtocareforothersandthattheyneedtheappropriatetrainingandmentoringtodoso.WebelievetheroleofthehelpingministryintheChurchmustbesupportedbythreestrongcords:thepastor,thelayhelper,andtheclinicalprofessional.ItistothesethreerolesthattheAACCisdedicatedtoserve(Ephesians4:11-13).
OurCoreValues
InthenameofChrist,theAmericanAssociationofChristianCounselorsabidesbythefollowingvalues:
VALUE1:OURSOURCEWearecommittedtohonorJesusChristandglorifyGod,remainingflexibleandresponsivetotheHolySpiritinallthatHehascalledustobeanddo.VALUE2:OURSTRENGTHWearecommittedtobiblicaltruths,andtoclinicalexcellenceandunityinthedeliveryofallourresources,services,trainingandbenefits.VALUE3:OURSERVICEWeare committed toeffectivelyandcompetently serve the communityof careworldwide—bothourmembership and the churchat large—withexcellenceand timeliness, andbyover-deliveryonourpromises.VALUE4:OURSTAFFWearecommittedtovalueandinvestinourpeopleaspartnersinourmissiontohelpotherseffectivelyprovideChrist-centeredcounselingandsoulcareforhurtingpeople.VALUE5:OURSTEWARDSHIPWe are committed to profitably steward the resourcesGod gives to us in order to continueservingtheneedsofhurtingpeople.
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LightUniversity• Establishedin1999undertheleadershipofDr.TimClinton—hasnowseennearly200,000
students from around the world (including lay caregivers, pastors and chaplains, crisisresponders,lifecoaches,andlicensedmentalhealthpractitioners)enrollincoursesthataredelivered via multiple formats (live conference and webinar presentations, video-basedcertificationtraining,andastate-of-theartonlinedistanceteachingplatform).
• Thesepresentations,courses,andcertificateanddiplomaprograms,offeroneofthemostcomprehensive orientations to Christian counseling anywhere. The strength of LightUniversity is partially determined by its world-class faculty—over 150 of the leadingChristianeducators,authors,mentalhealthcliniciansandlifecoachingexpertsintheUnitedStates. This core groupof facultymembers represents a literal “Who’sWho” inChristiancounseling. No other university in the world has pulled together such a diverse andcomprehensivegroupofprofessionals.
• Educational and training materials cover over 40 relevant core areas in Christian—
counseling, lifecoaching,mediation,andcrisis response—equippingcompetentcaregiversand ministry leaders who are making a difference in their churches, communities, andorganizations.
OurMissionStatement
TotrainonemillionBiblicalCounselors,ChristianLifeCoaches,andChristianCrisisRespondersbyeducating,equipping,andservingtoday’sChristianleaders.
AcademicallySound•ClinicallyExcellent•DistinctivelyChristian
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Video-basedCurriculum
• UtilizesDVDpresentations that incorporateover 150 of the leading Christian educators,authors,mentalhealthclinicians,andlifecoachingexpertsintheUnitedStates.
• Eachpresentationisapproximately50-60minutesinlengthandmostareaccompaniedbyacorrespondingtext(inoutlineformat)anda10-questionexaminationtomeasurelearningoutcomes.Therearenearly1,000uniquepresentationsthatareavailableandorganizedinvariouscourseofferings.
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! TheRegularDiploma isawardedbytakingCaringForPeopleGod’sWay,BreakingFreeandoneadditionalElectiveamongtheavailableCoreCourses.
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• Credentialing is a separateprocess from certificate or diploma completion.However, theIBCC accepts Light University and Light University Online programs as meeting theacademic requirements for credentialing purposes. Graduates are eligible to apply forcredentialinginmostcases.
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! CredentialrenewalsincludeContinuingEducationrequirements,re-attestation,andoccureitherannuallyorbienniallydependingonthespecificBoard.
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OnlineTesting
TheURLfortakingallquizzesforthiscourseis:http://www.lightuniversity.com/my-account/.
• TOLOGINTOYOURACCOUNT
! You should have received an email upon checkout that included your username,password,andalinktologintoyouraccountonline.
• MYDASHBOARDPAGE
! Once registered, youwill see theMyDVD Course Dashboard link by placing yourmousepointerovertheMyAccountmenuinthetopbarofthewebsite.Thispagewill includestudentPROFILE informationand theREGISTEREDCOURSES forwhichyouareregistered.TheLOG-OUTandMYDASHBOARDtabswillbeinthetoprightofeachscreen.Clickingonthe>nexttothecoursewilltakeyoutothecoursepagecontainingthequizzes.
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Afterallquizzesaresuccessfullycompleted,a“PrintYourCertificate”buttonwillappearnearthetopofthecoursepage.YouwillnowbeabletoprintoutaCertificateofCompletion.Yournameandthecourseinformationarepre-populated.ContinuingEducationThe AACC is approved by the American Psychological Association (APA) to offer continuingeducationforpsychologists.TheAACCisaco-sponsorofthistrainingcurriculumandaNationalBoard of Certified Counselors (NBCC)ApprovedContinuing Education Provider (ACEPTM). TheAACC may award NBCC approved clock hours for events or programs that meet NBCCrequirements.TheAACCmaintainsresponsibilityforthecontentofthistrainingcurriculum.TheAACCalsoofferscontinuingeducationcreditforplaytherapiststhroughtheAssociationforPlayTherapy (APT Approved Provider #14-373), so long as the training element is specificallyapplicabletothepracticeofplaytherapy.It remains the responsibility of each individual to be aware of his/her state licensure andContinuing Education requirements. A letter certifying participation will be mailed to thoseindividuals who submit a Continuing Education request and have successfully completed allcourserequirements.
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Presentersfor
Peacemakingand
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PresenterBiographiesGaryChapman,Ph.D.,seekstofulfillhiscalltotheministryasapastor,speaker,andauthor.Hespeaksextensively throughout theUnitedStatesand internationallyonmarriage, family, andrelationships.ThegovernmentofSingaporeinvitedhimtopresenthismarriageseminarthereandtheChaplain’sOfficeofNATOissuedaspecial invitationforDr.ChapmantospeaktotheNATOforcesinGermany.OtherengagementshavetakenhimtoEngland,Africa,SaudiArabia,Turkey,Mexico andHongKong. Sales exceeding fivemillion copies earnedhim thePlatinumBookAwardfromtheEvangelicalPublishersAssociationforTheFiveLoveLanguages,whichhasbeentranslatedintooverthirty-sixlanguages.Twenty-sevenotherbooksandfivevideoseriesarealsoamonghispublications.Onthehomefront,Dr.ChapmanisSeniorAssociatePastorofCalvaryBaptistChurch inWinston-Salem,NorthCarolina.Heandhiswife,Karolyn,have twoadultchildrenandtwograndchildren.Everett Worthington, Jr., Ph.D., is a Clinical Psychologist and Professor and Chair of theDepartment of Psychology at Virginia Commonwealth University, where he has been on thefacultysince1978.Hehaspublished17booksandover150articlesandscholarlychaptersonforgiveness,marriage,andfamilytopics.Hedirects“ACampaignforForgivenessResearch”andisthefoundingeditorofMarriageandFamily:AChristianJournal.HehasspokeninternationallyatconferencesanduniversitiesinBrazil,SouthAfrica,thePhilippines,Malaysia,Singapore,andCanada.EricScalise,Ph.D.,LPC,LMFT,istheformerVicePresidentforProfessionalDevelopmentwiththe American Association of Christian Counselors, as well as a current consultant and theirSenior Editor. He is also the President of LIV Enterprises & Consulting, LLC, and a LicensedProfessionalCounselorandLicensedMarriage&FamilyTherapistwithmorethan35yearsofclinical and professional experience in the mental health field. Specialty areas includeprofessional/pastoralstressandburnout,combattraumaandPTSD,marriageandfamilyissues,leadershipdevelopment,addictions,andlaycounselortraining.Heisanauthor,anationalandinternational conference speaker, and frequently consults with organizations, clinicians,ministryleaders,andchurchesonavarietyofissues.
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PeacemakingandConflictResolution2.0
TableofContents:PCR101:TheFiveLanguagesofApology:Regret,Responsibility,Restitution,RepentanceandRequesting...........................................................................................................................11GaryChapman,Ph.D.PCR102:ForgivenessandPeacemaking:WhatitIsandIsn’t.................................................20EverettWorthington,Jr.,Ph.D.PCR103:CommunicationSkillsforDomesticConflictandConflictTransformationHowTo’s......................................................................................................................................32EricScalise,Ph.D.
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PCR101:
TheFiveLanguagesofApology:
Regret,Responsibility,Restitution
RepentanceandRequesting
GaryChapman,Ph.D.
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AbstractImportant in building positive, healthy relationships, is the ability to apologize and forgive
another’s faults. Apologizing is an important biblical concept, but many times, people are
learninghowto(orhownotto)apologizefromparentalmodeling.Dr.Chapmanintroduces5
languages of apology: expressing regret, accepting responsibility, making restitution,
repentance,andrequestingforgiveness.Everyindividualacceptsapologiesandgivesapologies
withintheirapologylanguage.Whensomeonehascommittedwrongagainstusandapologizes,
weacceptanapologybasedonourjudgmentoftheirsincerity.One’sjudgmentofsincerityis
reflectedintheirlanguageofapology.Onecanlearnaperson’sprimarylanguageofapologyby
asking simple questions. Learning the languages of apology enables one to be able to
understand and accept apologies from others even when they are not in their primary
language,butitalsohelpsonetoknowhowtobetterapologizetoothers.
LearningObjectives
1. Participantswillbeabletoidentifythefivelanguagesofapology.
2. ParticipantswillexploretheimportanceofapologyasnotedinScripture.
3. Participants will study the influences of apologizing and how to effectively identify
someoneelse’sprimarylanguageofapology.
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I. EssentialstoPositive,HealthyRelationships
A. Characteristics
1. Individualsintherelationshipfeellovedandappreciated.
2. Individualshavetodealeffectivelywiththeirfailures.
B. TheReality
1. Nooneisperfect.
2. Ifpeopledonotdealwiththefailures,resultinginanemotionalbarrierofhurt.
• Apologizing
• Forgiving
II. Apologizing
A. TheBibleisVeryPositiveRegardingtheIssueofApologizing
“Hewhoconcealshistransgressionswillnotprosper,buthewhoconfessesandforsakes
themwillfindcompassion.”—Proverbs28:13
“Butyour iniquitieshavemadeaseparationbetweenyouandyourGod,andyoursins
havehiddenHisfacefromyousothatHedoesnothear.”—Isaiah59:2
“Thereforeifyouarepresentingyourofferingatthealtar,andthererememberthatyour
brotherhas somethingagainst you, leave youroffering therebefore thealtarandgo;
firstbereconciledtoyourbrother,andthencomeandpresentyouroffering.”
—Matthew5:23-24
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B. LearningtoApologize
1. Typically,we learn toapologize fromourparents (or someonewhoservedasour
parents).
2. Peoplelearndifferentstylesofapology/non-apologyfromparents.
• Researchshowsthatabout10%of thepopulationalmostneverapologizes,
mostofthesearemenandtheylearnedthisfromtheirfathers.
III. FiveLanguagesofApology
A. ExpressingRegret
1. Expressingregretisoftenwiththewords,“I’msorry.”
• Emotionalapology
• Biblicalexample:TheProdigalSon(Luke15:21)
• Communicatesthatyoufeelbadlyaboutyourbehavior
2. Never use the words “I’m sorry” alone. Always tell the person that you are
apologizingtowhyyouaresorry.
B. AcceptingResponsibility
1. Acceptingresponsibilityissayingthatyouwerewrongandnotblaminganyoneelse.
2. Biblicalexample:TheProdigalSon(Luke15:21).
“AgainstYou,Youonly,IhavesinnedanddonewhatisevilinYoursight,sothatYou
arejustifiedwhenYouspeakandblamelesswhenYoujudge.”—Psalm51:4
“It we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to
cleanseusfromallunrighteousness.”—1John1:9
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3. Somepeoplehavedifficultyadmitting that theyarewrong.Particularly thosewho
are from a homewhere the parents always told themwhat they didwrong, and
seldom what they did right, and they grew up with the belief that if they ever
becomeanadult,theywouldneverbewrongagain.
C. MakingRestitution
1. Makingrestitutionisaddressingwhatcanbedonetomakeitright.
2. Biblicalexample:Zaccheaus(Luke19:8).
3. There is a correlation between one’s love language and language of apology. For
thosewhoselanguageofapologyismakingrestitution,theiranswerto,“Whatcan
bedonetomakethisright?”willlikelybeinkeepingwiththeirlovelanguage.
4. How a language of apology speaks to a person depends on the nature of the
offense.
• Forsmalloffenses,asimple,“I’msorry”usuallyworks.
• Forhugeoffenses,morethanonelanguageofapologywillbenecessary.
D. GenuinelyRepenting
1. Genuinelyrepentingisexpressingthedesiretochangeyourbehavior.
“FromthattimeJesusbegantopreachandsay,‘Repent,forthekingdomofheaven
isathand.’”—Matthew4:17
“Petersaidtothem,‘Repent,andeachofyoubebaptizedinthenameofJesusChrist
for the forgivenessof your sins;andyouwill receive thegiftof theHolySpirit.’”—
Acts2:38
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2. Biblicalexample:theNewTestament,inparticulartheBookofActs.
3. AsChristians,wearecalledtorepentofsin.
4. Repentmeanstoturnaround.
E. RequestingForgiveness
1. Requestingforgivenessisrequestingthatthepersonforgivesyou.
2. Forsomepeople,ifyouhavenotrequestedforgiveness,youhavenotapologized.
3. Biblicalexample:David(Psalm51).
• Blotoutmytransgressions
• Washawayallmyiniquity
• Cleansemefrommysin
IV. Sincerity
A. WhattoLookFor
1. Whensomeonehaswrongedus,andhe/sheapologizes,wewanttoknowifhe/she
issincere.
2. Aretheysincereoraretheytryingtowhitewashthis?
B. SincerityandtheApologyLanguage
1. Thejudgmentofsincerityisbasedonwhetherornotthepersonisapologizinginour
apologylanguage.
2. IfthepersonisnotusingourLanguage,wejudgetheirapologyasinsincere.
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V. PrimaryApologyLanguage
A. TwoWaystheApologyLanguageHelps
1. Eachofushasaprimaryapologylanguage,whichwillhelpusintwoways.
2. Thefirstwayiscloserelationships.
• Knowing the Languages of Apology helps us to apologize in ways that are
meaningfultoourspouse,parents,friends,etc.
• Even if a person is apologizing in a Language that is not our own,we can
acknowledge that they are using at least one of the Languages of Apology
and can then give them credit for it by accepting their apology, and thus
forgivingthemmorereadily.
3. Thesecondwayisintheworkplaceandmedicalfield.
B. SomeDoNotSpeakaLanguageofApology
1. Therearepeoplewhodonotspeakanyofthefivelanguagesofapology.
2. Simplysaying,“Ioweyouanapology,”isnotapologizing.
3. The reality is, you either choose to forgive people or you choose to hold their
wrongsagainstthem.
4. Youcannotforcesomeonetoforgiveyou.
• Forgivenessisagift
5. Youwillnothavelong-term,positiverelationshipsifyoudonotchoosetoapologize
andifyoudonotchoosetoforgive.
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VI. LearningaPerson’sPrimaryApologyLanguage
A. AskQuestions
1. “Whenyouapologize,whatdoyoutypicallysayordo?”
2. “Whensomeoneapologizestoyou,whatdoyouwanttohearthemsayordo?”
3. “Whathurtsyoumostaboutthissituation?”
• Helpfulifpersonhasbeenoffended
• Helpfulifanapologyhasbeenmade,butitdidnotseemsincere
• If a person can tell youwhat hurts themmost about a situation, they are
tellingyouwhattheirprimaryapologylanguageis.
B. HealingthroughApology
1. Manyrelationshipsthathavebeenfracturedforyearscouldberestoredifsomeone
wouldtaketheinitiativetoapologize.
2. Thepowerofanapologytohealbrokenrelationshipscannotbeunderestimated.
3. It’sessentialthatwelearntoapologizeandforgive.
4. Forgiveness does not erase the consequences, but it opens the opportunity of a
betterrelationshipinthefuture.
5. Thememoriesofthewrongdoingwillcomeback.TakethesememoriestoGodand
askforHishelpindealingwiththem.
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VII. Resource
Gary D. Chapman and Jennifer M. Thomas, The Five Languages of Apology: How toExperienceHealingInAllYourRelationships(Chicago,IL:NorthfieldPublishing,2008).
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PCR102:
ForgivenessandPeacemaking:
WhatitIsandIsn’t
EverettWorthington,Jr.,Ph.D.
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AbstractIn this course,Dr.Worthingtonaddresses the issueof forgiveness. Forgiveness is a scriptural
mandate.However,sometimes intheheatofconflictanddisagreement,whenmediationhas
notyetbeenbroached,forgivenessisnotevenconsidered.Problemsinforgivingarisebecause
peopledonotunderstandwhatforgivenessis,howtodifferentiateitfromreconciliation,how
to forgive, and how to reconcile. Further, forgiveness can have serious consequences
concerning one’s physical,mental, relational, and spiritualwellbeing. This videowill propose
certainstepsonhowtoforgiveself,others,andachievereconciliation.
LearningObjectives
1. Participantswillbeabletodefinethetwotypesofforgiveness.
2. Participantswillstudytheconsequencesofunforgiveness.
3. Participantswillexplorethedifferentstepsofforgivenessandreconciliation.
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I. WhatisMediation?
A. Definition
1. Inmediation,athirdpartyisinvolvedwithtwoconflictedparties,ineitheranofficial
oranunofficialcapacity,tohelpthemafairsettlementoftheirconflicts.
2. Mediationoccursinmanysettings.
B. Settings
1. Societal:
• Beforeviolenceeruptsinasociety
• Duringviolence
• Afterviolence
2. Mediationmightbeabroker.
• TrackIDiplomacy:thingsthataredoneofficiallytotrytoendconflicts
• TrackIIDiplomacy:gettingpeoplefromoppositesidestogetherandhelping
themunderstandeachother
• TrackIIIDiplomacy:leaderhelpspeopleforgiveanddevelopattitudesthat
makethemwanttoreconcile
3. Social:
• Legalmediationinbusinessnegotiationsinwhichsomepartyfeelswronged
• Informalmediationbetweenconflictedparties(friends,churchdisputes,
etc.)
C. MediationCanBeFormalorInformal
1. Formalmediation:
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• ThepartiesagreeonwhotheMediatorwillbe
• Thepartiesagreeonthesetting
• Thepartiesagreeontheobjectives
• ThepartiesmaybeboundtothedecisionthattheMediatorhelpsthem
arriveatorhastodecideforthem
2. Informalmediation:
• Thepartiesmaynotcommittothesolution
• Thepartiesmaynotcontinuetobeinvolvedinmediation
• Trustisessentialininformalmediation
II. WhataretheRolesofForgivenessinMediation?
A. NotaboutForgiveness
1. Mediationisnotaboutforgiveness;itisaboutjusticeandnegotiatingjust
agreementsbetweenpeople.
• Justsettlementsprevail
• Fairprocessesareused
2. Goodrelations—oratleastgoodworkingrelations—arere-established,andpositive
futuresaremadepossible
B. HelpingMediation
1. Forgivenesscanhelpinnegotiation.
2. Forgivenessmaybeadesireoftheparties.
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3. ForgivenessmaybeadesireoftheMediator.
III. Injustice
A. Mediation
1. Mediationusuallybeginsbecauseatleastonepartythinksaseriousinjusticeor
manyinjusticeshavehappened.
2. Injustice:Aneventthathappensthatsuggestssomethingisnotfair.
B. InjusticeGap
1. Immediately,onepersonmightstartcalculatingan“injusticegap.”
2. Aninjusticegapisthedifferencebetweenthewayonewouldliketoseeanissue
resolvedandthewaythathe/shecurrentlyseesit.
• Iftheinjusticehappensagain,thegapwidens.
• Ifsomeoneapologizes,showsrestitution,orregretthegapnarrows.
3. Thesizeofaninjusticegapisproportionaltothedifficultyitistoforgivethe
injustice.
C. ScripturalWaystoDealwithInjustice
1. Getjusticeorseejusticedone
2. Forbearance:
• Notshowinganyreaction,disapproval,anger,ornegativeemotionsforthe
goodofthegroup.
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3. TurnthematterovertoGod
• Divinevindicationappealingtojustice
• LettingitbeGod’sissue
4. Accept
5. Forgive
IV. Forgiveness
A. TwoTypesofForgiveness
1. DecisionalForgiveness:makingadecisionabouthowyouintendtobehavetoward
thepersonthathurtyouinthefuture
• Behavioralintentionstatement
• Notamotivation
• Decisionalforgivenessisnotabehavior.Itisanintention.
2. EmotionalForgiveness:theemotionalreplacementofnegativeunforgiving
emotionswithpositiveother-orientedemotions.Emotionalforgivenessinvolves
neutralizingnegativityinone’sfeelings.
B. DecisionalForgivenessisrequiredbyGod
“Andforgiveusourdebts,aswealsohaveforgivenourdebtors.”—Matthew6:12
“Forifyouforgiveothersfortheirtransgressions,yourheavenlyFatherwillalsoforgive
you.”—Matthew6:14
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1. Goddoesnotrequirethatwechangeouremotions.Goddesiresthatwe
emotionallyforgiveandhavepeace,butthisisnotalwayspossible.
2. Forgivenesshappensindividually,itdoesnothappenbetweenpeople.
• Forgivenessisadecisionoranemotionalchange.
• Justtellingsomeoneyouforgivethemisnotforgiveness.
V. TheBenefitsofForgiveness
A. PhysicalHealth
1. Physicalhealthrisksareminimizedifweforgive.
2. Holdingontounforgivenessaffectsthecardiovascularsystem.Thisleadsto
increasedrisksfor:
• Stroke
• Hypertension
• Cardiacproblems
• Heartattacks
3. Holdingontounforgivenessderegulatesourimmunesystem.
• Cellularlevel(whitebloodcells)
• Macrolevel
4. Unforgivenesscancausetheoverproductionofcortisolhormone.Longtermchronic
stresswithincreasedlevelsofcortisol:
• Shrinksthebrain
• Disruptssexualfunctioning
• Causesdigestionproblems
• Causessleepproblems
• Causescardiovascularproblems
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B. MentalHealth
1. Mentalhealthrisksarereducedthroughthereductionofrumination.
2. Ruminationiswhenwereplaysomethingagainandagaininthemind(usually
negativethoughts).Ruminationisrelatedto:
• Depression
• Angerdisorders
• Anxietydisorders
• Obsessivecompulsivedisorders
• Post-traumaticstressdisorders
• Psychosomaticdisorders
C. Relationships
1. Relationshipsaremadebetterthroughforgiveness.
2. Decisionstoforgive,whichchangetheintenttobehavepoorlytowardtheperson,
permitmorecompromiseandmoreabilitytoseetheotherperson’svantagepoint.
3. Emotionalforgivenessreduceshealthrisksandemotionalarousal,thusreducing
rumination.
D. Spiritual
1. Spiritualrelationshipsareenhancedbecauseofforgiveness.
2. Scripturedirectsforgiveness.Jesuscommandsustoforgive(Matthew6:12,14-15).
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3. Wecanblesssomeonewhohashurtus.Byforgiving,wealsohavetheabilityto
loosesomeonefromthechainsofcondemnationthatbindthem.
“TrulyIsaytoyou,whateveryoubindonearthshallhavebeenboundinheaven;and
whateveryoulooseonearthshallbeloosedinheaven.”—Matthew18:18
VI. Self-Condemnation
A. DoingSomethingWrong
B. NotLivingUptoExpectations
VII. HowtoForgive
A. ForgivingOthers
1. Makeadecision.
• Makethedecisiontoforgive
• Makethedecisiontochangeyourbehavior
• Makethedecisiontonottakerevenge
• Makethedecisiontotreattheotherpersonasvaluable
• Adecisioncanbemadequickly
2. EmotionallyREACHForgiveness:
• Recallthehurt
• Emotionallyreplacenegativitywithpositiveother-orientedfeelings(may
involveempathy,sympathy,compassion,orlove)
• Altruisticgiftofforgiveness
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• Committotheforgivenessyouexperience
• Holdontoforgivenesswhenyoudoubtyouhaveforgiven
B. ForgivingOneself
1. ReceiveGod’sForgiveness.
• Thisdoesnotmakethingsperfectrightaway.
• Example:David(Psalm51)
2. Repentandrepairrelationships
3. Recognizeandreplaceunrealisticexpectations.
4. Reducerumination.
5. REACHemotionalself-forgiveness.
6. Realizeself-acceptanceasonewhoisflawedbutprecious.
7. Resolvetolivevirtuouslywithroomtofail.
VIII. Reconciliation
A. Components
1. Reconciliationisaboutrestoringtrustinarelationshipwhenithasbeendamaged.
2. Reconciliationrequiresthatpeoplebetrustworthy.
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B. StepstoReconcile
1. Step1:thedecisiontoreconcile.
• ThismaybeaidedbyaMediator
2. Step2:discussthetransgression.
• Discussthisisastraightforwardway.
• Thismayinvolveconfessionandapology.
3. Step3:detoxification.
• Anattitudeoflatitude
• Givingthebenefitofdoubt
• Anattitudeofgratitude
4. Step4:builddevotionbackintotherelationship.
IX. Conclusion
A. ThereareDifferentTypesofForgiveness
1. ForgivenessisDecisional.
2. ForgivenessisEmotional.
B. UnforgivenessHasConsequences
1. Theconsequencesofunforgivenessare:
• Physical
• Mental
• Relational
• Spiritual
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2. Decisionalandemotionalforgivenessalsohaveconsequences.
C. ThereareFiveStepstoREACHForgiveness
1. Recallthehurt.
2. Emotionallyreplacenegativitywithpositiveother-orientedfeelings(mayinvolve
empathy,sympathy,compassion,orlove).
3. Giveanaltruisticgiftofforgiveness.
4. Committotheforgivenessyouexperience.
5. Holdontoforgivenesswhenyoudoubtyou’veforgiven.
D. YouCanForgiveYourself
E. WeCanReconcilewithOthersThroughTrustworthyBehaviors
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PCR103:
CommunicationSkillsfor
DomesticConflictandConflict
TransformationHowTo’s
EricScalise,Ph.D.
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AbstractConflictisinevitable.FortheMediator,itisessentialtolearnhowtoapproachconflictwell.In
this session, Dr. Scalise discusses the core principles of conflict resolution and teaches
Mediators how to most effectively handle conflict with clients and in their personal lives.
Through addressing issues of assumptions, expectations, and defensiveness, he also teaches
participantstonavigatethedifficultiesthatariseinconflict.
LearningObjectives
1. Participantswill explore ten core principles for conflict resolution andwill be able to
applythemtothemediationprocesses.
2. Participantswillstudyhowtocommunicateeffectivelyinrelationshipwithothers.
3. Participants will be able to identify the difference between expectations and
assumptionsandhowtheseareevidentinthepartiestheyworkwith.
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I. Introduction
A. Mediation
1. Totalavoidanceofallconflictisnotnecessarilythegoal.
2. Theissueandthegoalaretogothroughtheconflictinsuchawaythatbothparties
feelthattheyhaveawinoutofthemediation.
B. Mediators
1. Mediatorscannotmakethedecisionsforthosetheyareworkingwith.
2. Pre-rule: It helps if, beforemediation starts, theparties agree to follow the same
rules.
3. Mediatorsshouldconsiderhavingonesessionforwhichtodiscussgroundruleswith
thecouple.
II. TenCorePrinciplesofConflictResolution
A. Rule#1
1. I will communicate my expectations and not take it for granted that the other
personautomaticallyunderstandswhatIwantorneed.
• Anexpectationisawayofsayingwhatapersonwantsorneeds.
! Often,expectationscomeacrossasdemands.
! Whenthisisthecase,theimplicationisthatthereisnonegotiation.
“The tongue of thewisemakes knowledge acceptable, but themouth of fools
spoutsfolly.”—Proverbs15:2
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• Itisnotenoughtohavetherightanswer.
• The focusshouldnotbeonhowtheprocess isgoing.The focus should be
theissues.
• Youcannotextinguishanyproblemuntilyoucanfirstdistinguishit.
B. Rule#2
1. I will verify my assumptions to make sure that I have accurate information and
feedback.
• Anassumptionisoftenaperson’sinterpretationofwhatisgoingon.
• Assumptionsmaynotalwaysbeaccurate.
• Communicationiscomplex.
! Verbalcommunicationisabout7%ofallthatisbeingcommunicated.
! Nonverbal communication is about 55% of all that is being
communicated.
! Toneofvoiceaccountsfor38%ofallthatisbeingcommunicated.
C. Rule#3
1. I will strive toward understanding the other person’s thoughts and feelings on a
matter,withoutcriticism,beforeattemptingtonegotiateormakeacompromise.
• Themoreaccuratetheinformation,themorebalancedthedecisions.
• Don’tforcetheotherpartyintobecomingamind-reader.
• Understandingisnotagreement.
• Often,twopositionsoverlapsome.
! Thejobofmediationistofindthisoverlapandagreetoliveinit.
• Theissueiswhetherornotprinciplesorpreferencesarebeingaddressed.
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D. Rule#4
1. Iwillfocusonresolvingtheissuesandnotattempttomaketheotherpartyorour
relationshiptheproblem.
• Defensiveness isagreat indicator thatsomeone is feelingblamedandthat
theprocesshasgottenofftrack.
E. Rule#5
1. I will give myself and the other party permission to take a timeout from the
discussionwhenitisrequestedaslongasIgiveaspecifictimeframeinwhichwewill
resumemediationandproblemsolving.
• Whoevercallsthetimeoutmustcallthetime-in.
F. Rule#6
1. Iwillacceptaneutralplace,time,andenvironmenttodiscusstheseissuesthatare
mutuallysatisfactoryanddonotgiveonepersonanadvantageovertheother.
• Theprocessshouldfeelsafe,fair,andbalanced.
• Thepartiesshouldavoidtriangulation.
! Triangulation:whenonepartybeginstopull inotherpartiestosupport
his/herposition.
G. Rule#7
1. I will take ownership of and be completely responsible for my own feelings,
thoughts, attitudes, and behaviors without playing detective or blaming the
otherperson.
• Ifyoucangeteachpartytotakeownership,theywilltendtotakebettercare
ofthatwhichbelongstothem.
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• “Accountability is the breakfast of champions. Unfortunately, too many
peopleskipthemostimportantmealoftheday.”
H. Rule#8
1. Iwillberesponsiveandnot reactivewhendiscussing issuesor receiving feedback
aboutmybehaviorordecisions.
• Areactionisexplosiveandemotional.
• Aresponseismoremeasuredandthoughtout.
• Thereisaneedforself-awareness.
! Allrelationshipshavesomeinherentrisks.
I. Rule#9
1. I will not attempt to control the other partywith undue criticism, sarcasm, rage,
threats,manipulation,shame,jealousy,orsilence.
• Controlisoftenasurvivaltoolthatpeoplepickup.
• Often,thewaypeopletrytomaintaincontrolisnotveryhealthy.
J. Rule#10
1. Iwill actively seek forgiveness from theotherpartywhen I amawareofmyown
wrongdoingandIwillextendforgivenesswhenitisaskedfor.
• Reconciliationandforgivenessaretwodifferentprocesses.
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